bdsm

Commentary On Old Guard vs. New Guard

September 16, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

bdsm leather submissive collar — via stock.adobe.com

Recently I posted a short article in eight differing kink groups online regarding an old meme I noticed several years ago. The meme was effectively a reminder list for dominants, a cheat sheet if you will, of things to do and remember.

For simplicity, I am including what I wrote here:

“There is Always Something to Be Learned: Even from Things We Don’t Agree With

I saw a post a while back about a ‘Dominant’s Cheat Sheet.’ Basically, ten reminders for Dominants to themselves. Although the list itself was unremarkable, the comments following really struck me. Specifically, the amount of negativity toward it. Referring to much of the list as abusive or for fakes.

It seemed as if most, didn’t get past #1 on the list, ‘In general, submissive only speaks when spoken to.’

Now I agree that this is an overgeneralization. However, since this is a thinking persons page….lets think about why and when that might actually be useful or helpful in certain situations.

– When a submissive is having a hard time listening and needs to learn not to interrupt.

– When a submissive might be prone to angry outbursts or over reactions.

– When a submissive tends to speak before they think and needs to learn the process is the other way around.

While none of these would be permanent, neither is any particular list. We change and grow over time. We do so by keeping an open mind and taking time to reflect on what we are seeing/reading and deciding not just if something is useful or not, but if it could be useful and when.

I said that I think not many people read past item number one on the list because there are several items on it, which can be very useful to a Dominant.

For example, #5, ‘A Submissive needs to feel the tug of your proverbial leash. Find ways that work for you.’ Would a submissive want to be with you if they weren’t drawn to the potential of your control? Isn’t this speaking to the foundation of a power exchange?

Or #6, ‘Acknowledge daily to your submissive their role beneath you by telling them in some way they are doing things you want.’ Providing acknowledgement of what the submissive has done, is recognizing their efforts. Showing the Dominant has noticed and is paying attention. I am not sure I see how this is a negative in a dynamic. Reinforcing positive behaviors, ie accomplishing tasks, is a foundational principle.

Or how about #10, ‘Being strict is welcomed.’ Of course, this is not everyone’s idea of utopia, but is a Dominant really dominant if they are not consistent in their actions and enforcement of the rules agreed upon? What kind of Dominant would they really be if not consistent? Wishy washy inconsistency often leads to problems, confusing expectations, and eventually dashed hopes.

Even though these examples can easily be applied in a positive light, there are many comments on the thread stating that, in effect, any Dominant who subscribed to this list, is no real Dominant.

Not everyone is the same, obviously, so we are not going to read things the same way. However, there are often gems hiding in places we least expect them, if we only take the time to look for them.”

⁃ The Reactions

After posting that article I figured I would get many of the same detractors from the original cheat sheet who got hung up on item #1.

But that didn’t happen. If fact the opposite happened, those older and who have been in kink for quite some time came out of the woodwork. Many of them opining about the lack of understanding and acceptance of what they considered deeper dominance and submission.

Even though their backgrounds in kink varied from M/s to Leather to self-professed kinky tops and bottoms, the theme of their reactions were similar. Here are a couple of examples.

Priest Zen wrote:
“The online community, in most parts, are full of crap. They are demanding the water down romantic version of BDSM is the only true BDSM. Any high protocol, high etiquette BDSM style they call abusive and fake Doms. They have taken the idea that a submissive has all to power to create a dynamic when the s/type completely tops from the bottom. The dom (small d intentional) is serving the Sub (cap S intentional) for Her (cap H intentional) fantasies. And, then the dom is blamed for when those fantasies aren’t met.” Reprinted with permission from Priest Zen.

And intellectualdady replied:
“Well said…what I’ve noticed increasingly over the last 5 years since I’ve been back in the lifestyle is most who participate in groups such as this or on fetlife see bdsm and the lifestyle as purely kinky sex. Not a lifestyle. Not power exchange outside of the bedroom. That a submissive is someone into the more tame aspects of playing. A slave is one who is into the more extreme aspects. A Dominant is one who is more of a middle ground and a Master is someone who is someone into bossing others around as well as into the more extreme forms of playing.

There’s a HUGE divide between what’s traditionally been taught and what is now taught. Same with what’s accepted and what isn’t.

With all of this in context there’s no wonder why there was so much negativity on that post.

Everyone has their own definition for everything as well as their own way of doing things so like Master arcane and a number of other leaders have consistently talked about ‘until more experienced members of the community start stepping up, taking the lead, guiding, correcting, and teaching along with creating websites as well as content then things will continue moving in this direction. The older generation of 40-70+ have dropped the ball in a way and it’s time they picked it up.’

Thank you for posting this and adding the thoughtful introspection questions with each number. Hopefully this helps others think and learn more.” Reprinted with permission from intellectualdady

⁃ They Got Me Thinking

I replied to most of them and in that repetitive process it got me thinking more deeply about the subject. All those opposed to the cheat sheet vs. all those replies to my article.

Yes there is a lack of understanding by a great many in the younger generations. A lack of appreciation that speaks to a road untraveled. But why have not more of the newer generations set off on that deeper path?

I think that many, have no idea. That there is a notion of a BDSM lite ascribed to out of both naivety and for others, fear.

With that being said, most of those are simply kinksters, tops and bottoms (if that), who dabble at the edge of D/s. Fine, whatever floats their boat.

The detractors within those ranks are the ones who will never fully understand dominance and submission because they, IMO, are not really open to it. Therefore, rebel against it even as they in the same breath call themselves, “lifestyler.” This is what I think rankles many long-time kinky people who have lived it not just as something fun to do, but as a core part of their being.

For many newer to kink, within the last fifteen years, I think it scares the hell out of them. The notion of actually having complete control over another… or giving up complete control, once they understand what that really means. Taking or giving a great amount of control requires a significant amount of self-confidence. The ability to set doubt aside. To set blame aside in seeking a simple truth. “What can I become?”

Circling back I think this is why BDSM lite has become prevalent. Many of the newer generations are trying to fit themselves, square pegs into a lifestyle many of the older generation know differently, a round hole. Obviously not working for them. So instead of walking away with an understanding, “I don’t fit,” the newer have created a space where the square pegs belong.

To compound the issue, I am not sure any amount of teaching or access to information would change that for them. The transformational aspect of kink is in the hands on. Seeing a master at work with their slave; being present during a scene where partners lose each other in each other; watching a healthy D/s over time headed by a mentor so the intimate details which cannot be taught are experienced; not to mention actually performing under the guidance of a mentor and being critiqued for it. How could the square pegs begin to know without that?

There simply is not enough access to mentors for the newer generations to accomplish a widespread hands on approach.

⁃ Is this New Iteration a Bad Thing?

I don’t think so.

Wait! Before you pull out your pitchforks!!! I am not ascribing to a bunch of that weak ass noise or platitudes which normally accompany a statement like this. Stick with me, you’ve read this far.

I do not think the new iteration is a bad thing because they have the numbers us old farts never did and never will. Public policy is a numbers game. So far on that front we have been losing badly. Yet, there could be hope.

If we, the older generations, quit fighting against a group who is not like us and likely most never will be, embrace them and learn to work with them….. maybe, just maybe we can create a bridge to the vanilla world which can help shift public policy more in our favor.

Granted this is not something that will get done in the next 10 years, but 15 to 20 could be a real possibility. The older generation learns to work more closely with the newer now. In turn as they newer age they talk to more brand-new people, their vanilla friends, and others. Over time kink may become more acceptable in the public eye.

⁃ Moving Forward

Yeah but! What about core values, ethics, safety and all those other good and awesome things? We preserve as much as we can moving forward. Likely, that will be more successful if we are all pulling the same direction. Willingly mentoring, publishing, posting in groups, and elsewise shepherding as many as we can in whatever the newer folks are willing to learn.

It hurts my heart knowing certain traditions will fade with time. It really does. It also pains me seeing our counterculture become more mainstream. Yet, unless it does, we will not win the public policy fight.

We cannot have it both ways.

With freedom comes risk. We either risk our individual freedom by practicing the taboo, or we risk our community and traditions by freely bridging the gap.

Whichever we choose, we must choose, and soon. Otherwise, the world will decide for us.

That, is no freedom at all.

On Being A Man In The Kink Scene

September 16, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

handcuffs, sex on the bed — via stock.adobe.com

My sister died recently and one of my children said in response…”she lived well”…which I found an odd reaction considering that she had spent many years in seclusion fighting depression, had not been able to maintain employment, and had otherwise swindled people out of money to survive. I found his remark, well, odd.

Even so, his note that “she lived will” had me look at my own life from the point of view “lived well” and to make an assessment of what that expression implies for my experience of being alive.

As a boy, I was not particularly aware of myself. I fantasized a lot about life because I spent a lot of time reading books, many more adult than probably made sense for a kid to read. So, I spent a lot of my youth in fantasy. I masturbated furiously. I grew up without TV, skin magazines like Playboy and Penthouse, were banned, and so much of my fantasy reflected the adult books I read.

As a teenager, I became aware of my athletic prowess, and excelled at all sports. I played soccer, rugby, cricket, tennis, squash, field hockey, and did track and field. I also swam and dived. I had great balance, and body control and good hand-eye and foot-eye coordination and I had a high IQ for sports. I was just not a very big fella, so I ended up growing into a competitive gymnast that competed at the very highest level thorough high school, and I played soccer at a high level too. In class, I was the “funny guy”. I drove teachers crazy. I became aware that girls found me sexually attractive. When I was 16, I spent time in Berlin and hung out in sex shops. I brought home a very kinky German kink magazine that had scenes in it with bondage, discipline, incest, anal, piss play, and more. My masturbation fantasies changed almost immediately.

I dated girls from about age 13, although it was all very innocent until I was about 17 or 16, when Pam, this voluptuous sexy vixen, the high school prom queen, took me into a room at a party one night and said “I have been waiting to get you alone” and then she pushed me onto a bed and to my delight, she sucked my cock.

The girls came fast and furious after that. I fucked as if I was the last man on earth. And I was not at all aware of my manhood. If she was willing, I fucked her.

When I met, dated and then married my wife between 5 and 8 years later, I was mostly aware of the expectations of family and society. Get married, hold down a job, have children etc., and I can now say with certainty, that I was completely unaware of myself as a man. Sex was largely fetish free. She was the preacher’s kid after all.

I first became aware of my sexual masculinity about 10 years later, at age 38, This occurred in part because while raising children, my wife simply refused me her body. Once she stopped nursing, she persisted in her refusal. There I was, providing for her and my children and she simply turned off our sexual connection along with the associated loss of intimacy and relatedness. the next few years were hard. Sex is my love language.

I had not signed up for this, so I asked for a divorce. We set about starting that process and realized that it would be quite complicated. We agreed not to pursue it, and to have a slightly open relationship…a don’t ask don’t tell policy. It was not workable. I was miserable. I called a lawyer.

My first real moment of clarity occurred when about 6 years into our estrangement, even as I was still working on terms of a divorce, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and begged me to “stay and to make it go away”. I remember, I was speaking to my attorney on the phone, and she called on the other line and asked to speak to me urgently. I hung up to take her call. She was hysterical and said, tearfully, “you can’t leave now”. She asked for me help. I agreed. I set to one side my differences with her while we set about managing and treating her illness.

During the next 8 to 10 years or so, I learned more about my masculinity as I encountered women who made themselves sexually available to me and who enjoyed my fetishes. On a gradient I learned more about the full spectrum of my kink. I also discovered that when submissive women are self-expressed,

they are more connected to their primal selves and more authentic than I was able to deal with at first. I needed time to understand the sexual power I seemed to naturally exude.

When I finally got divorced, I was lucky to meet several self-expressed submissive women who pushed me to explore the darkest parts of my nature and who gave me access to the full spectrum of kink, and a glimpse into the true power of a D/s dynamic. It was a bit of a surprise to find so many women eager to submit. I had no idea. In many ways I was living a sheltered life till then. I learned a lot about my desires by taking on different Dom personas. I found myself a solid disciplinarian, a sadist who enjoyed wielding the cane and the flogger. I found chains appealing. I found I enjoyed acts of humiliation including water sports. I discovered I liked the excitement of kink. Tying up and fucking women was more appealing than I realized. I also came to recognize newly that for me, sex is indeed my love language, and I was determined to find a woman who was both horny and an obedient submissive masochist. Even with access to the full spectrum of kink, I was still empty inside. I wanted, in fact needed the intimacy of a loving relationship in addition to the kink. In addition to a through the roof sex drive to match my own she needed be comfortable in her body, and also searching for more than kink and sex. I craved kinky sex for sure, but mostly I craved the intimacy that leads to a meaningful loving relationship, and I was convinced that I needed to partner with a likeminded submissive.

I began to truly discover my masculinity and unlock the power that the D/s dynamic allows as possible. The deeply naturally dominant male inside me longed for and needed the power of a loving and willing slut with whom I could accomplished the impossible. I intended to experience my own masculinity more acutely while she herself realized her own femininity as a corollary. I wanted a partner who would jump into the rabbit hole with me, hand in hand. It occurred to me that as much as I needed to be a sadistic Dom, I needed a submissive slut who herself needed to explore her own masochistic tendencies. We cannot exist at all without each other, and I set out to find her. That much was clear. As I searched for her, luckily, I found her searching for me. Our good fortune is that we are completely aligned. It’s perfect. We are deeply connected and aligned in every aspect of our kink and more. We have been exploring our 24/7 TPE D/s dynamic, stretching each other and growing ourselves. It’s been amazing.

It’s only now, 3 years in, as the Dominant partner in a Total Power Exchange with Lady Petra that I truly have access to the deeply dominant masculine nature of my authentic self. What I thought was dominance has changed completely inside that exchange. I am responsible for her sexuality and her wellbeing and the impact of that has caused me to use her often and hard every single day, while at the same time, ensuring that she is deeply fulfilled in her own sexual self-expression. Or as she puts it, I “use her up”. There is more intimacy than I thought possible. I have learned how to be vulnerable. I have learned how to meter my power, and how to enroll her in her submission. There is much that has come out of our dynamic, including collaring her that itself has led to such amazing blistering hot sex that I am filled with desire for her on a daily basis. She is my muse. She is the loving object of my poetry. With her I am fulfilled as a man like never before. I am also deeply in touch with my primal sexuality. This is new for me and has only been true for me when I am with her and in the throes of our mutual ecstasy that we find each other most appealing, and the sex so satisfying.

She has given me the very best gift a man can have. My manhood. My masculinity. I am deeply grateful to have enjoyed this chapter of my life so far. I can say now, finally, that “I have lived well” too.

**Note, this is a personal exploration and not meant to be a commentary on masculinity in general (the author).

Video: Why Have BDSM/Kink In Your Bedroom?

September 16, 2021 By Kinky Assignments 2 Comments

In this week’s video, Sam shares the benefits one can experience by adding kink to their sex life!

More Intimacy In Your Relationship By Adding Kink and BDSM

Watch this video on YouTube

This week in kink: September 20, 2021

September 16, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

Learn about a leather event put on by a Berlin church!

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Learn about a Pro Domme’s experience with financial domination and humiliation from the District Chronicles!

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I’m a financial dominatrix – men get aroused from losing control of their finances and I get to make more than $100K

Discover the best Craig’s List dating and hook up alternatives from HeraldNet!

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Best Craigslist Personals Alternatives: 18 New Craigslist Personals Alternatives for Dating, Free Hookups, and Much More in 2021

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Timing Within BDSM Relationships

September 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

sexy tatted vixen with collar — via stock.adobe.com

Over the years, we here at kink weekly have covered collars extensively. Our two part series, “The Collar” ( https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-one/ and https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-two/ ) examine both the history and the current state of collaring. It is safe to say that collaring has changed over the years. But the following question reflects more than just change; it asks about a whole new way of collaring. The question, please:

Reader: I know my Dom for a month and he wants to collar me. But, he wants it to be permanent and have it welded closed. Is it too soon for such a commitment? As a female, I am always wary about being rushed into things. Is this a red flag or am I just being overly cautious?

I like the idea of a collar that is welded shut. (Of course, this takes expertise and should be done by a professional skilled in the welding art. If your Dom wants to do it himself, and his hands shake, run!) My own view – and this is my personal opinion only – is that there are too many ‘Velcro’ collars given out hastily, with little regard to their meaning. This brings us to the main part of your question – the significance of the collar to both of you and the timing of giving such a collar.

Before I begin to opine on your question, let me offer a disclaimer. “In the rare case a permanent collar causes a four-hour erection, see your doctor.” Oops, wrong disclaimer! (Or, maybe not. It just might be that a welded collar gives your Dom a four-hour erection. After all, collars are hot and, in his eyes, a welded collar might be super hot!) The real disclaimer involves the inconsistency of timing and/or values between people.

One month might appear quick to one person, while to another it might look like an eternity. One person might think of the significance of a collar one way, another views it in a totally different way. With regard to timing and significance, there is both good news and bad news in the answer to your question.The good news is that both of you are on the same page with respect to the meaning of the collar. He looks at it in a “until the welder do us part” way. And, you do too. Otherwise, you would not be willing to consider such a collar.

I believe that both the “collar-er” and the “collar-ee” should have similar views on its significance to make a D/s relationship work. A Velcro Dom should collar a Velcro sub. A Dominant who looks at the collar like a marriage should collar a submissive with similar views. In your case, the collar is equally meaningful both of you. Great!

Now, the bad news — although, not so bad. It is in the timing of this collar where you have a disconnect. Your Dom thinks one month is enough time to permanently collar you; you are not as sure. If BDSM traditions and common sense can be used as guideline, I agree with you. With rare exceptions, thirty days would appear to be too fast for such an all-encompassing commitment.

M/s and D/s requires a lot from both partners. Thus, many in the lifestyle, including me, believe a “courtship” period is necessary. Vanilla, shmanilla. This has worked in every lifestyle for hundreds of years. And, we have the perfect system for doing this – the “collar of consideration.” What an engagement ring is to marriage, the “collar of consideration” is to Master/slave. And, three to six months is the perfect range for this type of collar. If it works out, bring on the welder! You should respectfully ask your Dom what he thinks of a “collar of consideration.”

Find out his views. Let him know you look forward to a welded collar, but you want to get it right. He might be more understanding than you would assume. Never assume, ask. After all, he doesn’t want this collar to come off. And, the best way to assure this result is to not only weld it shut, but to also communicate effectively. Unless there is some unexplained circumstance, I don’t see the rush to collar you. If you assume your relationship will last years – which is the kind of permanence a welded collar implies – then what is the difference in waiting a few more months? After all, you really don’t want to call the welder twice!

Nevertheless, I find the idea of the welded collar extremely hot.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Case Of Trevor Bauer

September 9, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

In our world, a lot can go wrong if we are not very careful. Trevor Bauer, professional baseball player, is currently finding this out. Pending the outcome of a restraining order hearing in LA Superior Court and potential criminal charges, the outlook does not get much worse. All over a series of potential kink encounters gone wrong.

Before I go any further, this is not about his potential innocence or guilt. Or the voracity of the claims of his accuser. It is looking at the overall circumstances which potentially led to this point from the lens of kink. I was not there and do not know all the facts. Likely the real truth will never see the light of day. Bystanders like us are left to speculate what may have happened. Which I am not doing either.

What this article will examine some of the potential failure points as IF this was a kink encounter gone bad and what might have been done to prevent things going as they did.

Just the Facts Ma’am

There is no one news story, article, or piece of court document which gives us a very good picture of what transpired. But after reading over fifty differing accounts of the court testimony and other sources a pattern begins to emerge where their stories match up. These are what I am hanging my hat on.

There were only two encounters between the two of them both at Bauer’s residence.
The two of them texted extensively and that during these exchanges “rough sex” was discussed at length to which they both indicated they were into.
At some point in time a discussion on limits was had. Unknown what time or by what means the discussion took place. During these discussions his accuser did indicate some activities she was not comfortable with. We do not know what those are.
The first encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, fingers being shoved down her throat, impact by hand without bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The latter possibly by force while she was unconscious.
That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
In between encounters she stated via text that she had never been more turned on than after their first encounter. This included her admission she liked “rough sex” and his statement that she probably did not like it as rough as he did. To which she replied, “Bring on the pain.”
They agreed to meet a second time.
The second encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, impact by hand which included bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The later possibly forced during the period of unconsciousness.
That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
That she incurred significant bruising as a result of the second encounter. She also experienced petechial hemorrhaging around the eyes and darkened gums potentially as a result of being choked.
That they communicated via text after the second encounter during which she relayed images of the marks, bruising and hemorrhaging and he relayed his concern and offered support.
That a day or so after the second encounter she sought medical assistance at an emergency room. During which the ER nurse administered a SART Examination (evidentiary examination for sexual assault) and notified law enforcement.
Law enforcement did interview her. Law enforcement has not filed since charges or made an arrest on Bauer.
Approximately a month later she filed for a protection order through the LA Superior Courts, Civil Division.

These lead me to believe they were engaged in kink; that they were both probably not very experienced; and the level of play did not match to the level of relationship or trust.

If so, where did it all go wrong and what are the failure points? What could they have done differently?

In the Beginning Consent – Potential Criminal Liability (leaving the protective order issue aside)

Like most kink cases we have seen in the past Bauer is trying to argue these were consensual encounters and very possibly, given what we know, they were. But that does not matter one bit. As I have written in the past, consent as a legal defense regarding kink is a very iffy bet at best. Both regional and federal courts have ruled against consent as a defense in kink consistently.

Why?

Because it does not matter if the person receiving gave their consent as they cannot legally consent to a criminal act. In this case significant physical injury and forced penetration while unconscious. California has a specific law on the latter.

Even Before Consent to the Act

What happened to not playing hard with people we barely know? Especially not Edge Play like choking. This more than anything else leads me to believe they are inexperienced players.

What is on display here is a wanton disregard or being completely naïve of practices we know help protect us from both severe physical harm and legal issues. I can see some lower-level negotiation before very light play and have no problem with it. Yet here, they went all in without any known trust bond or relationship.

That is not only reckless from a legal standpoint, but from a personal safety standpoint also.

What we do in kink is risky, so risk seeking is hard coded in the DNA for many of us. Yet this drive to find the next physical and emotional high through play needs to be tempered with some restraint and good judgement. More often than not, we see newer players lacking in these areas, because they are new, lacking that experience, and get caught up in a current sweeping them along.

We need to take a significant amount of time to vet and get to know a person fairly well if we are going to play heavy. There is not any substitute for it and the potential consequences of ignoring this step are national headlines today.

The Marks of Passion

Whether we like it or not, they are evidence of a potential battery. As kinky people we do not view them this way, but the law does. Any time we leave a mark on someone, we have to be at peace with the potential consequences. If not, I would seriously advise against leaving any.

Bauer not only left marks but choked the accuser to the point where there was petechial hemorrhaging. Approximately 30 seconds of sustained pressure causes the blood vessels in the face to burst. This amount of force and time for the petechiae to develop puts the bottom in imminent risk of permanent physical harm. Law enforcement knows this and may charge Bauer accordingly as it could be viewed as attempted homicide or at the least a felony battery. The next 10 to 40 years of his life could be forfeit.

Not being able to hammer this point enough….. if you are going to play this hard, you better be able to trust your partner. Both ways. Not the, “I’ve known them for a few months,” kind of trust. The I would trust them with my life and raising my kids if I died kind.

If they are both inexperienced players as I suspect, Bauer and his accuser probably had no idea what they were getting into or they likely would not be where they are with this issue today.

Have a plan for seeking medical attention if needed. Seek out kink friendly professionals in your area who understand the marks they see, may not be abusive. Take the time to learn first aid, wound care, and more advanced medical aid appropriate to the type of play you are engaging in. If both of them were experienced, had a plan, and taken the time to train in how to deal with kink injuries….. perhaps this could have been avoided.

It’s the Unseen Things Which Can Bite Us the Worst

If Bauer knew her medical history, it is currently unknown if he did. Perhaps he did not know enough to even ask. Here that history may have played a significant role. During the court hearing the nurse who administered the SART examination openly testified in court the accuser’s use of ibuprofen prior to the second encounter could have exacerbated the bruising. The accuser was also taking the prescription medications Lexapro and Gabapentin. These in combination are a serious cocktail and may have also contributed to the excessive bruising.

Lexapro is an antidepressant and anxiety medication. Not digging on anyone who needs it or uses it. But as a top I would want to dig a little bit on this to make sure the person I was playing with is ok enough to do so.

Gabapentin is used with other medications to prevent and control seizures. It is also used to relieve nerve pain in adults and is known as an anticonvulsant or antiepileptic drug. Knowing this I would be very hesitant to engage in heavy impact or choking/breath play. Regardless of why the accuser was taking the medication, they may be less likely to have a healthy pain response and unable to tell me the difference between the good pain (of impact play) and bad pain, to prevent seriously damaging them. Further, a restriction of oxygen could trigger a seizure.

Whether we like it or not, as tops we do have a responsibility to say no to play if we believe someone is not ready for the activities we want to engage in. Physically or mentally. Talking about medical history and medications is the only way to gain the needed information so we can make an informed decision. People involved in kink need to get past the embarrassment or secrecy they may hold regarding their personal information in this regard. It is for our own personal and collective safety.

Where It All Ends Up

There is no way to tell at this point what the outcome of the protection order hearing will be let alone potential criminal charges for Bauer. When this article is published, at least one of those may have been decided. Hopefully, with the release of additional information we can learn more about the circumstances and use it to better protect ourselves.

In the meantime, please take this article for what it is, partly fact, and partly speculation. Both used to highlight potential legal and physical risks of play. I am not suggesting you should stop everything and go through your medicine cabinet or quit playing all together. Only that some of what we do has to be approached with real planning and thought; a bit of caution aided with a modicum of knowledge; and whole heap of covering your own ass before the fact.

Vetting; developing trust; understanding the kinks you are exercising and the risks; having an understanding of each others’ medical concerns, history, and medications; as well as having a plan for if play goes wrong are all key points we need to be aware of and practice.

If we do not, we are rolling a loaded pair of dice and the odds are against us.

Bauer rolled snake eyes.

News Stories and Relevant Links (unfortunately case transcripts are not available in full at this time)

Drug Interaction Checker – Find Interactions Between Medications (webmd.com)

9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 1) (kinkoutloud.com)

9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 2) (kinkoutloud.com)

Petechial Hemorrhage | Encyclopedia.com

Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) – Sex-Positive Support for Kink and Nonmonogamy (kapprofessionals.org)

Trevor Bauer Court Documents: Sexual Assault Accusation Details | Heavy.com

Trevor Bauer: California woman shares her brutal fear during restraining order hearing – Sports Illustrated

Trevor Bauer’s accuser cross-examined by Dodgers pitcher’s attorney on 2nd day of restraining order hearing – ABC7 Los Angeles

Trevor Bauer accuser details why she asked for restraining order – The Washington Post

What we learned from Day 2 of the Bauer Hearing – Beyond the Box Score

Trevor Bauer accuser becomes flustered by cross-examination – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

Bauer accuser grilled about past relationships with Padres players, deleted messages – Daily News

Trevor Bauer’s attorneys question his accuser (nypost.com)

Trevor Bauer (トレバー・バウアー) (@BauerOutage) / Twitter

Trevor Bauer’s hearing begins with testimony from accuser – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

Trevor Bauer accuser testifies against Dodgers pitcher in restraining order hearing – ABC7 Los Angeles

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to and helps admin several online kink, polyamory, and swing culture groups on Facebook such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; Virtual Munch; and Pittsburgh Lifestyle. His writing includes information on self-improvement, kink education, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics, healthy and healing relationships, power exchange, safety and much more. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for over three decades. He can be contacted and view much of his other writing on FetLife @ TAC_1.

This week in kink: September 13, 2021

September 9, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

Don’t miss the inside scoop on this awesome kink/swinger’s resort from Mirror!

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Learn all about the best virtual reality porn games with Mashable!

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Discover how the self-publishing of Fifty Shades Of Grey has influenced the literary world!

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‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ 10 years later: Self-publishing wasn’t novel then, but now it’s easier to reach a niche audience

Video: Roles In The Lifestyle

September 9, 2021 By Depraved Eros 2 Comments

Learn helpful role descriptions and honorifics with Depraves Eros!

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Bdsm Roles in the Lifestyle And Whats It All About!

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The Risk Of Violating Underlying Relationship Requirements

September 2, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I’d like to address a question posed to me by a submissive. He was asking if I thought that cuckoldry had to be accepted by a submissive, if his dominant desired it. Most of us reading this know the answer is “No” – but the reason behind that “no” might have a different source for me than it does for others.

Other dominants he spoke to (and some submissives) discussed “Limits” and “Negotiation” and used those terms to provide a rationale for not having to allow oneself to be cuckolded. The idea was, if he didn’t consent to cuckoldry, the dominant had no right to do so.

I’m not going to argue that point at this time…suffice it to say that, for scene-based dynamics with people who may not know each other very well, limits and negotiations are critical practices and need to be respected. For long-termed, committed relationships on which power dynamics are layered, there are more natural protections between partners, because caring for each other’s wellbeing (both physically and mentally), a desire to protect each other, and mutual respect for each other and their needs will come into play before abuse sets in. So for me, in my relationships – and for this particular sub, who was married for 25 years before establishing a power dynamic, the latter was more appropriate and limits have less practical value.

For me, the reason my answer to his question was “no”, was more about cuckolding itself. Cuckoldry is a practice that violates the basic requirements of the type of relationship that mandates fidelity. In other words, cuckolding violates a core requirement of the underlying relationship of their marriage and really has little to do with dominance / submission.

Whether or not someone can handle their partner with another will depend on their tolerance for infidelity / openness within their relationship, not their level of obedience. Some people will be able to tolerate an open relationship, others will not. Some relationship types have “fidelity” as a requirement – others do not. For example, it would be hard to cuckold a client — or even a friend with no exclusivity — but unless the agreement is an open relationship, a marriage would form the foundation for cuckolding.

What I’m saying is that, for some relationship types, fidelity falls in the same category as other underling relationship attributes, such as: Trust, caring, honesty, respect, mutual fulfillment of need, open communications, etc. Relationships require these attributes to be healthy, with or without a power dynamic. In some relationships, exclusivity may be considered to be a requirement.

Yes, you could deprive a submissive any of these things as part of your power dynamic. But violate these enough, and the relationship itself may fail as a result of it. It’s not a factor of “how good a submissive they are” or “how obedient they are”, it’s a factor of their NEED when in a relationship and whether they can tolerate maintaining a relationship without these things (with or without a power dynamic). That’s going to be an individual measure and a measure independent of the power dynamic.

In the case of forcing a sub to accept cuckolding, the outcome will be determined by the sub’s tolerance for cuckolding. It won’t be about whether he’s a dedicated submissive. He might try to accept it and make the dominant happy – with the intent of serving her – but ultimately, he will face his capacity for accepting this from the perspective of the underlying relationship. Not the power dynamic. Another way to view this, if a partner doesn’t have an issue with their spouse being with other people, it’s awfully hard to cuckold them! Cuckold, in many ways, implies a lack of consent / knowledge.

For dominants, you need to be aware of the potential risks of violating underlying relationship requirements. When using a power dynamic to stress these underlying requirements – you need to understand that the sub’s outward reaction isn’t always what’s really going on. Sometimes, a sub’s desire to be misused or maltreated will motivate them to accept a violation of their underlying requirements, even though it wounds them. Their desire to be “out of control” may encourage them to hide that wound – or accept it as a consequence of their submission. That can work for a while, but over time, this wound can deepen and eventually undermine the entire relationship – and by the time you see it, it may be too late to recover. There is a threshold that is created and when you cross that threshold, the titillation of playfully-abusive practice is recognized as actual abuse. At that point, the relationship is in jeopardy.

To avoid this, the dominant needs to be aware when they’re playing with relationship requirements – and that the potential for wounding their submissive is strong. We need to be extra vigilant and observant – and give the submissive repeated opportunity to “check in” and speak freely. We need to anticipate and seek out negative consequences. We must consider to choose to avoid those practices for the good of the relationship.

You don’t know your limits until you exceed them – the trick is to do so in a safe way that allows you to come back across the line intact. Having a power dynamic is no excuse to abuse underlying relationship requirements. Keep them in mind, respect them, and be open about them.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Coming Back To The Scene

September 2, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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For many of us, the past year or so has been a veritable desert in our kink worlds. Those who had children at home or who live in apartments may have attempted quiet play, if we were in the mood for it, of course, since anxiety isn’t the best aphrodisiac. Unfortuanately, with many of our kink spaces closing down or choosing to carefuly curate guests lists, there are a lot of people who are finally starting to resume their bdsm play. I’ve heard a common refrain among them.

Most of the stories are of scenes going poorly, both people expecting to be able to resume their journeys exactly where they left off, only to discover that the top runs low on endurance while the bottom has a much lower tolerance for pain. Overall, those factors make for an unsatisfactory scene, along with many thoughts and feelings of not being good enough or tough enough to satisfy their partner. This seems to mostly be the case among more experienced or frequent heavier players that I have spoken to. Newer or more casual players seem to have had less of an issue in this area.

For those who haven’t experienced this, either count your blessings or consider this a warning in advance.

We build up tolerance over time, or perhaps a desire to experience that endorphin rush pushes us to greater heights, since our bodies become accustomed to anything we do with any regularity, whether it be working out, getting up early, or even receiving pain. It makes total sense that the amount of impact or other intense play that someone can take at the beginning of their journey changes over time. That was certainly the case for me. We had a regular schedule and were meeting it consistently.

Of course, that all changed last March. Without access to our regular dungeon space, we felt less comfortable pushing some of those boundaries. Additionally, neither of us was really in the mood for BDSM. In fact, we were rarely in the mood for sexual intimacy, let alone any sort of pain play. We were stuck in a house with family members stacked on top of one another, with no real safe place to go, plus dealing with anxiety. Those are hardly the stuff dreams are made of.

My story isn’t unique. Many of the friends I have in my local community have expressed similar sentiments. Their kink play went into hibernation for quite a while during 2020. Once our local dungeon started opening for private reservations we began attending again, but unless we specifically planned to go in advance and paid for the rental, we would often find reasons to delay.

In many ways I am quite lucky. As someone who has done impact education, my partner happens to be well versed in play with newer bottoms. Our first session back was one without any assumptions. It had been at least five months since we’d done any serious impact, and he didn’t rush into anything. He tried out lots of new impact tools we’d been collecting from a Maker friend of ours, including a PuckYou (I’m not a fan, it’s super stingy) and a Jawbreaker (opposite end of the spectrum and almost painfully thuddy). We had a positive experience, because he was testing my responses to some of the newer gear, rather than expecting me to take impact that he’d been able to give me before. We were even finally able to really get to try the whips he’d gotten as gifts that were definitely too long for the bedroom. Across the room, members of our germ pod made their beautiful scene sounds and for a moment, the world was a happy place again.

Santa’s method is pretty handy. When he is working with someone who is an unknown bottom to him, or who has not had a scene with him in quite some time, he uses a numerical scale to determine where everyone is. For example, he will swing a flogger at the lowest speed he can swing it without the falls being out of control, and he calls that his “one.” He will ask the bottom on a scale of one to ten, how did that impact register to them. If they also feel it is one, he can continue, while checking in with them as he increases his force. If their response is “six” to his “one,” odd are good that implement needs to be set aside for the time being, as they may not have a positive response to it.

Others I have spoken with have not been as lucky. They jumped back into their play after an extended break, some with the brevity of mine (five months), and others who did not play for a year or more. They expected to splash right back into the deep end of the pool, only to realize too late that someone moved the diving board while they were away. Frustrated and feeling insecure, I heard many stories of them trying to push through only to end in rather unsatisfactory scenes for all involved.

We forget, sometimes, when those born biologically female are dealing with their cycle of hormones, those things can change how they handle different types of pain. So add those hormonal changes into anxiety added into an extended period of time without play, and what we get is bodies with a very different tolerance on the other side of this pandemic.

So the first thing I would say to those experiencing this: you are not alone. There are a lot of people out there who are readjusting to their new normal and realizing their journeys are much different than they were. The second thing I would say is give yourselves grace. We’ve all been going through, and are still going through, an unprescedented event which makes for a very traumatized populace. Be kind to yourselves and realize that we all need more forgiveness for what we see as our own inadequecies.

The final thing I would say is the same thing I have told myself when looking at others and envying their ability to take pain. Walk your own path, and don’t look back at your old self as better or more resiliant. Your old self hadn’t been through a year and a half of a traumatizing pandemic. YOU are every bit as strong and tough as you need to be. Figure out what your tolerance is now and work from there rather than trying to play like you used to. Hell, your top may even appreciate not having to work so hard for a while.

Above all, talk to your partners. Make sure they understand that your body has changed and how to work with you to meet you where you are.

All any of us can do is be who we are, right this minute. I send my happiest and most positive thoughts to all of you.

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