bdsm

This week in kink: August 3, 2020

August 3, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

The COVID-19 pandemic has affected everyone – especially the ways we connect, date, plan things, and meet new folks.

If you’re poly/in an open relationship I am sure you have felt a big impact since Covid-19 arrived.

This article in the South Seattle Emerald spotlights several people in non-monogamous relationships, and how their multiple relationship have been impacted amid the pandemic.

Navigating Consensual Non-Monogamy During COVID-19

This article in The Observer of Uganda speculates about the presence of BDSM in Africa. And, based on the content, is little more than an uninformed rant about BDSM by someone clueless about what BDSM actually is.

“I am tempted to ‘diagnose’ a couple in my neighbourhood as BDSM enthusiasts, because the surrounding community knows when they have sex. It always starts with a huge fight in the dead of night, which has the village dogs barking in agitation”
This quote from The Observer of Uganda tells us a lot about how woefully off-the-mark and dangerous it can be when those who know nothing of actual BDSM attempt to shape public opinion about it.

I have no doubt that domestic violence is a problem in Uganda, as it is in many other countries. But let’s please stop trying to link that to consensual BDSM, which is the polar opposite of abuse.

Check it out if you want to have a head shake, a sad laugh, or just to remember that outside the bubble of sex-positive people, there are still many out there that do not understand that there is a clear difference between abuse and BDSM.

UK sex party company Killing Kittens has received investment from the UK government through the Future Fund – a program to help companies that have been affected by Coronavirus.

The company apparently plans to use the funds towards expanding its online offerings, including a BDSM and sex-oriented social network. Watch out Fetlife?

Check out the article on CNN business.

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

The Male Chastity Conundrum

July 26, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

male chastity cock cage — Male chastity cock cage

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

There’s this thing about male chastity cages: By their nature, they work when you DON’T do anything. The whole idea of chastity cages is that you put them on your subject and, until you decide to take them off, they do not get to have sexual pleasure. It seems simple: You just have to lock it on. However, it turns out, in practice, there’s a quite a bit more to it than that.

The issue is, when he’s in that cage, his attention is on that cage at all times. Obviously, you expect him to have feelings of enduring something, suffering for you (in theory at least), and of sacrificing a very basic freedom. However, the device impacts him in many other ways besides limiting orgasms and erections. The device has weight and compression on his penis. It forces him to sit to urinate, changes the look of his clothing, often chafes a little, changes his gait, makes it different for him to clean, makes him self-conscious and aware of what’s visible to the outside world, makes it difficult for him to sit comfortably for long periods of time, and changes his sleeping habits. In short, he is physically aware of it – all day and all night.

For the dominant, you close the lock and start the rest of your day. Nothing is making you aware that he’s suffering. Nothing is changing your daily routine. You have no constant reminders. For you, nothing changes – except for the few times in the week when sex is on the table (or in the bed!).

And that’s part of the allure of the chastity fantasy: The slave suffers while the keyholder blithely goes about their day. All the freedom belongs to the keyholder; all the suffering/frustration to the locked. However, that’s just the fantasy. The reality is usually quite different.

In reality, subs want to know that they’re not alone in their dynamic. They need to feel the dominant’s intent; to feel that what is being done to them, is being done TO them – and that the dominant is the one DOING it. They don’t just want to be limited; they want to know that the dominant is deliberately limiting them.

The problem is, the sub constantly feels the “burden” of the device and is actively thinking about it at all times, but the dominant isn’t. This creates a disconnect – the threat to the sub is very real; that their submission is all in their head – and that the dominant is unaware of the extent of what the sub is going through. The sub wants the dominant to recognize the power the device has and to OPENLY LEVERAGE the helplessness that the sub feels. They want this – all the time, because they are reminded of it – all the time, and they’re thinking about it – ALL THE TIME. Since the dominant isn’t physically reminded, and isn’t being interrupted all day long, they may seem unaware of the extent of the sub’s predicament.

Many men respond to this by “sharing” how they feel, especially when not asked. They feel the need to emphasize and highlight their frustration – both verbally and physically. They overtly show the desperation that they’re feeling – and sometimes act in “over-the-top slavish fashion”, in an attempt to demonstrate the “benefits” to the dominant of keeping them in chastity. They attempt to encourage the dominant to show recognition of their plight by acting on that advantage, and to do things like tease the sub to “make the frustration worse”. They need the dominant to demonstrate how much they enjoy his suffering and captivity.

Sometimes (and unfortunately, often), they will even act up in an attempt to have the dominant react by punishing them, usually hoping that the dominant will use the device to increase their frustration (e.g., a punishment of another week in chastity!) Worse, if the dominant doesn’t react, subs often gets angry or melancholy, and in particularly bad situations, openly challenge the dominant’s abilities.

The end result of all of this demand, is pressure on the dominant: Pressure to play the game; to give the sub what he perceives he should be receiving; to try to think about what the submissive is feeling as often as he is thinking about it. As I explained above, there is no natural driver for the keyholder to be as aware of the device as the wearer, so trying to be equally focused is simply not a realistic expectation. Trying to keep the sub’s condition in the front of your mind is a tall-order for someone who is supposedly the object of the submission and a lot of burden for the partner who is supposedly being served. Worse, when that pressure builds up on a dominant, no matter how confident they are, it’s too easy to interpret it as a lapse of their own abilities. All of which serves to undermine the integrity of the dynamic.

I find that it helps to be aware of the disconnect and the way it presents. I find that knowing about the dichotomy of focus that chastity brings to the partnership, helps dominants to readily recognize the pressure their submissive is putting on them – so that they can deal with it in a more confident manner.

Once you’ve recognized the pressure for what it is, you can decide how you want to react to it. When it happens to me (and it does for things, not only chastity related), the first thing I do is a little introspection to try to determine if the sub is just being needy, or if I actually have been a little distracted.

If he’s being needy or just over-focused on the device, I generally tell him so, and tell him to get it under control. There is no “…or else” clause in this statement, because punishing him in response to neediness will reward manipulative behavior. Rather, I just insist on his adjustment. If he fails to do so, I’ll likely take him out of the device indefinitely. I’m not going to play the game if he’s not going to provide the self-discipline I demand. He will usually respond well, as he also understands the disconnect and knows by the other things I do (see CERAF in my books), that I am active and committed to our dynamic.

On the other hand, if I feel that I may have been depriving him a bit of recognition, or have been neglecting him a bit, then perhaps a few “simple gifts” (read “Uniquely Rika” and “Uniquely Us” for a deeper discussion of simple gifts!) are in order, just to let him know I’m actively involved in the dynamic – and that I have put him in chastity for my own reasons.

While controlling a sub’s orgasm is a common desire of dominants, the use of a device to do so is more often the sub’s desire. For many of the reasons above, using physical devices to force a sub to be chaste – is a fantasy more enjoyed by the wearer – and may be more of a burden for the keyholder. In many dynamics, including mine, putting a submissive into a chastity device is either a treat of sorts, or a shared symbolic gesture. It doesn’t define submission – or create it – but rather, is one of many ways to formalize a concept. I make my opinion well known to my subs: When the symbol becomes more important to the sub than the submission, it’s time to do away with the symbol! I’m willing to be aware of the disconnect, but I’m not willing to give up MY freedom for it.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

This week in kink: July 26, 2020

July 26, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Indie porn director Erika Lust has released a new erotic mini-series called “Safe Word”, which is free to watch on her web site. Ms Lust is known for championing ethical & feminist-friendly production processes in the content she creates. “Safe Word” explores the many misconceptions of BDSM and portrays it in a more realistic and consent-grounded (but still hot) manner. Starring Mona Wales and Mickey Mod, the series follows Mona’s character as she stumbles upon BDSM by accident, and is then progressively deeper into exploring her kinky desires. Tap the image to check it out at Lust Cinema (did we mention its free?).

Safe Word, starring Mona Wales & Mickey Mod

A German court has ruled that Berlin BDSM clubs may reopen, reversing the local ban on sex-oriented businesses resulting from Coronavirus. The court held that the clubs may resume operation, as long as they follow government guidelines to mitigate spread of the virus, including that everyone inside must wear masks. Given the out-of-control spread in the US, it will no doubt be some time before it will be safe for such events to resume in most parts of America. More details here at NY Daily News:

A Tory (Conservative party) member of parliament in the UK, Laura Farris, has triggered a huge online backlash after claiming that choking during sex is “degrading and misogynistic”. While there are certainly significant safety issues involved in this type of play, Farris is seemingly unaware that many people (of all genders) enjoy, consent to and actively request choking from their partner. People are unlikely to stop doing it altogether, so the type of article that she decried (which seeks to teach readers about how to do it as safely as possible) is all the more essential. More about it on Indy100 here:

Erotica: Hanar’s New Life

July 26, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

two beautiful slave girls lying in bed awaiting their master — via stock.adobe.com

“Hanar! What are you doing so far from court? They’re up at QaN’Del, aren’t they?”

“His Majesty sends me to Murabet that I might serve Queen Reah and King Preece. I’m to travel with you. I have my own supplies for the baby and a purse to pay for whatever else I need. And two soldiers in plain dress,” she nodded to them.

“Well of course you should travel with us. Kayla will help you all she can and we’ll both enjoy the company. I certainly won’t be needing much with all my projects boxed up and out of reach. Do you come with us to Murabet?” he asked one of the soldiers.

“I’m only to see her onto the boat in Baan Harbor and the boat cast off,” he said. “We’ll sleep on the porch in the front and not be in the way. We have our own food.”

Over the course of the evening, Kayla warmed to the idea of another woman and a baby on the trip, and started to play a finger game she knew from her homeland. The boy loved it and tried to move his fingers the same way to imitate her. She held his hands and walked him the length of the room and he took his first steps alone from Kayla to Hanar to nurse.

To better hide his identity, Hanar called him Shane, shortened from Dushane, his middle name. No one would question who he belonged to when she was the one nursing him and his hair was as dark as hers.

Beds made on the floor, because the bedframe had already gone, Kayla insisted Hanar and the baby join them to keep warm. Some jostling in the night and then a sudden “Taol, no. There’s another woman and her baby in the bed!”

“So,” he chuckled. “You’re my wife and I want you.”

“Well I can’t. Not like this. Go find a whore.”

Hanar turned her head. “We could switch places.”

Stillness and silence.

“You’d do that?” Kayla asked.

“Well, yes. That’s what I’m for. I eat slave bread. I have a supply. And we have before. But only if it wouldn’t upset you, Kayla.”

“You have before?” Kayla questioned.

“I have several times been a guest at Preece’s private dinner parties,” Casir said. “Hanar has graced my cock more than once.”

“This is me switching places. You can fuck her all you want and not bother me,” Kayla grumped, lifting up so Hanar could scoot backwards. “Just be quiet so I can sleep.”

Hanar shimmied out of her nightdress to be naked, and reached behind to stroke his hardness. Angling her buttocks backward toward him to offer herself, she was at once invaded. Casir wasted no time filling her, but was not rough in his use. When she reached climax, she contained herself in a shiver with breath held.

“Come with me,” he said when Kayla snored, and took Hanar by the hand.

Through the back door to the porch, to the cot always there for sleeping on hot nights. Pulled away from the wall for more room, he sat on it.

“Suck me for a while. Kayla hates doing it so I don’t make her often.”

“Hates it? Is a Midan slave allowed to hate a sexual act?” she joked, lowering gracefully to her knees in the moonlight to begin a long and slow mouth service.

“She is from Unada and has had a very different life from you, dear. She does things because it’s her duty as wife and slave, not because she enjoys them or enjoys pleasing me. She didn’t learn sex that way and I can’t fix it. She’ll tell you herself on our voyage, I’m sure. If you like, I’ll ask Preece if you can be my second slave, to relieve Kayla of the burden except when she wants to. Or maybe she’ll like your oral pleasures and participate more. Then you’ll have a home and not need to be concerned with where you’ll be or what you’ll do. And you can be the mouth that lives under my work table to service me through my day. I have always enjoyed your mouth. And if I recall, you like how I spank. I can’t do that with Kayla. She cannot be struck in any way, even for pleasure. You can be my sex slave and she my wife.”

Hanar forgot her horrible mission for a moment. As of the moment Axlar had given her his orders, she technically belonged to Preece. But there was nothing bad about contingency plans. That he thought it up rather than she would go a long way when they talked to Preece. Master wanting slave was far less like a slave plotting and manipulating to get what she wanted.

Cheek resting on his thigh, she smiled up at him.

“I think I would like that, Master Casir.”

“Show me how much you would like that and we’ll live with the assumption that he will let me keep you.”

A more vigorous mouth and after he spent, he took her inside to the empty bedroom for a good hard spanking behind a closed door. One she desperately needed, and let the pain of his hard hand take her over the edge into a purge of tears.

“What’s wrong?” Casir asked when he first noticed she was crying.

“It’s okay, Master,” she sniffed, turning her head on her arms. “I don’t want it to end. Truly. I’ve not had good days this week. I just need to cry.”

He gave her something to cry about, spanking as hard and fast as he wanted through her tears until she finally stopped crying and lay still and silent across his thighs and the hard wood floor.

“Turn over onto the floor,” he said, and waited for her to move and lie with her arms overhead and wrists crossed.

Her feet planted on the surface, knees bent and up and parting wide to offer herself from eyes to puss. Her breasts were much larger than usual, full with milk.

“Do you need lubrication for your ass?” he asked.

“Not really, Master.”

“Good. It’s packed in our travel bag and I cannot fuck Kayla’s ass anyway.”

Hanar smiled up to him.

“Please fuck my ass, Master. Nothing would give me greater pleasure.”

He groaned with the sudden swelling hardness of his cock.

“Keep talking.”

“If it please you, Master, to hear me say how good it would feel for you to ream my ass deep and hard until you fill it with your cum.”

Deep and hard she got, and continued to encourage him with “More, Master, please” and “I can take you harder if it would satisfy you, Master.”

Harder he did, thrilled to his balls to indulge himself in ways he couldn’t bring himself to do to Kayla.

Read the rest of Peeper Gloriana
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00PCFX58C

—-

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Neediness is not a good trait in a submissive

July 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

mistress dominating male slave on leash — via stock.adobe.com

Neediness breeds sub-centric behavior – Why neediness is a poor motivation strategy

A needy person, by definition, is someone who is driven by a quest to satisfy their own internal desire. A straight dictionary definition of “needy” deals primarily with money – but the Urban dictionary defines needy in a way that better fits the way we’re using it:

“Requiring attention beyond what is normative.”

A sub who is “needy” – who demands attention to their plight – doesn’t make a very good submissive, because the motivation for their actions is self-serving. They are trying to quench their own desires. And, once satiated (if that’s even possible), and they are no longer needing fulfillment, their motivation disappears. This is what I’ve been terming sub-centric behavior. The focus of the sub is not on pleasing the dominant, it’s on satisfying their own need by whatever means necessary.

I would argue that, anything which increases the amount of neediness in a sub, increases the amount of sub-centric intent that person has. This might even be considered “by definition”, if you really think about it.

So, if that’s true, motivating a sub by creating neediness is counter-productive – if your aim is to create a dominant-centric dynamic. You’re driving that sub to more and more sub-centricity – focusing him more and more on the end-goal of satisfying HIMSELF. No matter how immediately effective it is in the short term, I think it’s a bad technique for the long term.

The short-term effects of neediness, if not addressed, often wear off, unless the dominant chooses to reinforce that neediness – to maintain it. The concern for the dominant is to make sure that the sub does not get complacent or comfortable – which would reduce the desire and therefore the motivation for compliance. So, they find themselves being forced to track and monitor the sub’s level of desire – perhaps manipulate it to keep it piqued. That’s a lot of work, if you ask me.

So regardless of whether it “works” or not, the tactic of increasing neediness as a means of motivation is not something I would want in my dynamics (or FLRs) because it is not something that builds the kind of consistent self-discipline a sub requires to dedicate himself to his submission for the long term – something he will require if he is to remain submissive, independent of his level of need (which varies over time).

Some will argue that “a sexually satisfied sub is a lazy sub” and theories like this that suggest a sub male who is allowed to orgasm on a regular basis becomes lazy and inattentive to his dominant’s desires and needs. They then conclude that one of the things that a dominant must do is to increase his need by not allowing him to orgasm regularly through T&D, chastity, etc.

This is only true if you allow it to be true. If you allow this presumption to have merit, it will. Submission is an outward expression of dedication to another person, not an inward reflection of one’s own desperation. I enjoy T&D, but it does not build submission.

Reward vs. Internal Benefit

Others argue that, “No human being ever does anything without the prospect of a reward”. This is quite a skeptical statement, just from a societal standpoint, but the real argument is in the use of the word “Reward”.

I use the word “reward” differently the words “personal benefit”. To me, a reward is something you get for something from the person for whom you did the task. It is often something promised in advance and used to entice a person to complete a task. It is a form of payment. In this context, I don’t agree that people need a reward to do something. On the other hand, I do agree that people are motivated by the benefits for themselves. A sub who enjoys to serve benefits from the dynamic as much as the person being served. But that benefit comes from within themselves.

It’s not just semantics. A sub who serves because he loves the feeling of making the dominant happy receives his benefit from within. The dominant doesn’t give him happiness, he experiences it himself because submission works for him. Does he benefit? Of course! But is the dominant obligated to provide something to him in exchange for his service? No. A reward would be something given to the submissive IN EXCHANGE, OR REMEDIATION, FOR their submission. The phrase “Submission is its own reward” is a little misleading, in my opinion. That type of “reward” is a self-appropriated benefit. It’s not the same thing as if the dominant rewarded the sub for their service.

I think that’s the same differentiation for the use of the word “Needy”. A sub who is needy is one who is demanding that the dominant fulfill that need. Whether they come out and demand it, or just act up to get attention, or whose service suffers because of their selfish desires. Needing to submit is something that the sub can fulfill for themselves through their own actions. It’s not something that they are demanding that the dominant provide.

The one who is obligated, matters

I frequently encounter couples where the dominant feels “obliged” to think up things for the submissive to do…to keep the submissive busy and fulfilled in their submission. The submissives in these situations are completing their tasks as quickly as they can, and then immediately searching for more.

Wanting more tasks to do and pestering a dominant to think up more tasks are two very different things. How the submissive materializes his need determines how much attention he requires. A submissive who completes his task and then hounds his dominant with “What’s Next” questions isn’t serving the dominant. However, if he completes a task he can continue to serve by following the wishes and preferences of his dominant – if she likes proactive service, he can seek out new tasks and things to do by himself without forcing her to focus on him. If she doesn’t like proactive service, then he can serve by simply being quiet and patiently awaiting her next order – making himself ready and willing without requiring attention.

Many will argue that, when we are in a relationship, we are “responsible” for fulfilling the needs of our partners – D/s or otherwise. That it is the job of one partner to fulfill the others’ needs.

The way I see it, we are responsible for our own happiness. I view obligation in a relationship slightly differently. When we’re in a relationship, we care about our partners. We consider their needs. We recognize that mutual satisfaction of needs is something that is required for a relationship to last – When needs are not met in a relationship, the relationship is in jeopardy. We want our partners to be fulfilled. This doesn’t change because you have a power dynamic. The difference between helping a partner feel fulfilled and being responsible for their happiness.

Believing that you have an obligation to fulfill your partner’s desires is a kind of old-fashioned thought. I look at it as a much more natural extension of caring. I don’t feel OBLIGATED, but I feel joy in knowing I can make him happy and fulfill his desires. That’s part of what creates the bond between two partners. I don’t do things for my husband because it’s my obligation to do them – I do them because I love him and want to see him happy. It’s natural and non-burdening.

Just as in a non-power-based relationship, I find joy in seeing my submissive happy. I do things for him, just because he enjoys them, because I care for him and love to see him happy. However, we have a power dynamic and therefore, the things he does for me, he does because he is my submissive and has committed to serve me. He granted me, by virtue of his commitment to serve me, the entitlement to EXPECT and DEMAND that he fulfills my every wish; need or want. Just being in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to demand. It gives you the right to walk away from the relationship if you don’t get what you need – but it does not entitle you to demand fulfillment of your wants. The D/s power commitment obligates the submissive and entitles the dominant.

Erotica: The Hunted

July 19, 2020 By eve 2 Comments

dominant man and beautiful submissive in car — via stock.adobe.com

I had plans with the girls, my girls. Dinner and some dancing. I know you wanted me to stay and play, but these plans were made ages ago. Begrudgingly, you accepted that I wouldn’t drink at the club and you can pick me up. Myself and my four work friends always have a fantastic time. They are my freedom. We talk and support each other about the important stuff and dance our problems away a couple of times a year. I’m just one of the girls.

You once said I was a lot of woman. I’m pretty much an Amazonian. In the day to day, I’m a fixer, I coordinate and manage my corner of the universe. My work makes a difference. I’m five-foot-nine, red hair and hazel eyes and I like shoes. Moreover, I love high heel shoes. I feel sexy and powerful in them. It is the only public intersection of my kink and the vanilla world.

It’s just after 11 when I notice you at the bar. You’re kinda’ hard to miss, your six- four muscle defined frame with swarthy features is rather imposing. Your position at the end of the bar gives you a view of the entire dance floor. Like a puppy seeing her owner I make my way over and come to you. My hair is pulled into a ponytail, my sheer black blouse is fantastic for dancing, I don’t get too warm. It helps that my boobs look amazing and if I am dancing, boobs are bouncing. You do not look impressed. I suck in my bottom lip instinctually as I read your expression. I’m trying to suppress my smile and giggle of satisfaction. I like you this way. It makes our play more intense.

“Thanks for coming to get me. I want to stay a little longer, ok?” Your right hand is at my waist. I reach up and kiss your cheek. Dramatically, I bat my eyelashes and pout a little. I know it annoys you, but I’m feeling brave.

“Really?” you reply flatly.

I am effervescent and bubbly. You’re less than amused. My response brings out the brat in me, I kiss you on the cheek and return to the dance floor. The girls are where I left them, we have a yelling conversation about your arrival, I point you out and they all wave. You are stoic and tip your head towards us. When will I have pushed your patience to the limit? You are used to weekends being all yours. I hug the girls farewell and join you. I’m still giddy, playful, and fearless. You put your hand in the small of my back and maneuver through the crowd. This softens me; there is a shift in the dynamic between us. As we get to the car, I start to take my hair down. I know you like to down and free flowing.

“No! leave it, I like it.” Your growl is low but undeniable.

This gives me pause. This is new.

As I get in the car, my thin leather collar is waiting on the seat. I retrieve it and slip it on as I sit. The side and back windows are tinted, so very little can be seen by the world around us. As I turn to put on my seat belt you take my ponytail and wrap in around your hand. The yank catches me off guard and breaks my composure.

“Ahgh, What the fuck?” I have no choice but to go where you pull.

You pull me to you and growl as you squeeze my breast, it hurts, I grit my teeth and flinch, refusing to give you the squeal you want. The buttons of my blouse strain against my breasts as you cup and squeeze my breast, holding my eyes, watching and waiting for a sign of surrender. The thought of never getting the wrinkles out flicks through my mind. I am not as present as you would like. I taste blood. I am biting under my bottom lip to deprive you of what you want. You slowly pinch my nipple, tears fill my eyes, the pain is excruciatingly sweet. I can’t fight it. I know there will be a set of bruises tomorrow as you release me. You start the car, I put on my seat belt, you drive me back to the cabin where we will continue, you the hunter, me the prey.

This week in kink – July 20, 2020

July 19, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

“For me, the art of shibari lies in emotion. The ropes become a medium of communication.” In this article in Time Out, Hong Kong shibari artist Subay shares her perspective on rope, sexuality and emotions.

If you’ve checked out the new BBC TV series “Normal People”, you likely noticed it includes some sprinklings of kinky sex. This article on Redbrick argues that the show inaccurately portrays BDSM as “cruel, passive, and undesirable”.

https://www.redbrick.me/bdsm-is-it-for-normal-people/

A professor at a university in New Zealand has resigned following claims of “long-running conversations with colleagues on his intimate life and practising of Shibari”. Umm, ok. I get that nobody should be subject to sexual harassment at the workplace, but is this a case of kink discrimination? Would he have been made to resign if his colleagues had been discussing vanilla dating habits with him?

A Dominatrix went viral on Twitter for flogging her sub while making him say “Black women are superior”. Oh my…

One guy being the proverbial whipping boy for both white privilege and the patriarchy. Oh wait, make that the literal whipping boy 🤣 https://t.co/7K6AB93eee
— Kink Weekly (@KinkWeekly) July 17, 2020

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Video: All about sub-space

July 19, 2020 By Bound To Talk 2 Comments

BDSM Clips: Subspace

Watch this video on YouTube

“Their eyelids get droopy, and they turn to jello”.

Is subspace all about bondage? What role does pain, pleasure and domination have in getting to the much talked about – and sometimes elusive – state of mind.

In this video from BoundToTalk, Mistress Italia dives deep into Subspace. What is it, why do people love to be in it (or bring their partners there), and how can one get there?

The touch that triggers panic

July 12, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

choke neck squeeze of submissive woman by dom — via stock.adobe.com

I have a trigger. I hate using that word, since it brings to mind the watered-down version of today’s culture, which seems to mean I got uncomfortable or had my feelings hurt.

No.

I mean the word as it meant to be used. A series of specific physical stimuli can create a panic response in me, to the point of a legitimate panic attack. We discovered it by accident, as one often does with this sort of thing.

I’ve had an issue with having my neck touched for a very long time. In fact, it is solidly on my hard limit list. It was from a bad experience 10+ years ago. Not long after that, I had a partner come up behind me and loop an arm around my neck and he found himself dangling across my back, the only thing keeping him from a judo throw and a potential back injury was that my blind response no longer had hold of me once the pressure on my neck was gone. Not so when combined with other sensations. Better to just not provoke my body’s fight response.

Early on with my current partner, I informed him of my issue. We made the decision together to attempt to soften the aversion I held for that touch.

I want to be really clear for a moment. None of what we attempted or accomplished was with the assistance of a counselor or therapist, and other than a basic idea of the concept of immersion therapy, and have little to no actual educational basis for our actions. We were lucky to find some modicum of success. Not everyone who attempts to overcome their own stuff will have the same result. Hell, perhaps no one else will. I cannot speak for anyone else.

We began slowly. Over an extended period of time – days, not hours, he touched my collarbone non-threateningly for just a moment. The next time it was a moment longer. Once I gained some comfort with that action, we moved his hand slightly and repeated the process. After concerted effort, we succeeded in him being able to rest his hand upon my neck fully. After additional time had passed we were able to explore some mild breath play.

The trouble came when it combined with other sensations which could potentially be interpreted as negative. The first time it happened I was not in a position to communicate effectively regarding my distress. Having no idea I had a hidden landmine, we tripped it and I discovered what a panic attack was.

Well. After a little distance and some self-analysis, I decided it was a combination of sensations which pushed me over the edge. Having newly recognized and super fun trauma to overcome in the context of our D/s dynamic meant there were times we were going to work on it when it killed any sexual enjoyment I had been experiencing. It was like a light switch, and where once the light shone warmly, the moment effectively flipped the switch to anxiety and a desire to flee.

But we continued. We set up an emergency signal to indicate emotional anxiety during times when I couldn’t speak the words. We added those individual elements back into our sexual repertoire, albeit individually and in small increments. As we worked on those things separately, over time, we we able to get to the point of recombining them. It took possibly a year or so by my estimation, clearly not a quick process or one without risk of explosion.

I celebrated mightily the day we were able to do those things again. I don’t remember how – perhaps I sang some Queen and took a lap. It wasn’t so much that I enjoyed the experience as it was the triumph of regaining the ability to do them without falling apart. Most of my enjoyment came from that victory rather than from the ability to take pleasure in the act itself. I hoped in time that would change and I would have my freedom from those chains.

Of course it did, just not as I hoped. It was one thing to say the words that this would always be with me, a completely different thing to actually understand the magnitude of them. We went through a period of time when the things which had comprised that emotional land mine were less present for us. We avoided touching my throat because I got sick and it was swollen. It just fell away a bit. Somewhere along the way I backslid. I lost some of the progress I’d made, and things we’d been able to do six months ago bring anxiety and the first rushes of panic again. It was a hard realization that this really will be with me forever, in some sense.

I celebrate that I made progress in this battle, and I will overcome again. I don’t have to think about it the way it stole my thoughts before, since it only rears up on occasion anymore. I hope some day it will lie dormant, an emotional cancer finally eliminated by radiation.

Whether I get there or not, I will continue to fight for myself and my mental well-being, and I will continue to encourage others to find the paths they need in order to face their own landmines with courage. In solidarity, we can all become better versions of ourselves, one day at a time, whatever the method of achievement may be.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

No play parties in our quarantine

July 12, 2020 By PirateStan 4 Comments

So, life has been interesting since we entered the world of quarantine in late March 2020. From a broader perspective, we have indeed “flattened the curve” and life is beginning to open up again. But even as we prepare to move forward into a confusing future, observations on what we went through continue to fill my brain.

Because it’s been even more interesting for us kinksters.

For my own part, my girl and I have been “trapped” at home together, both of us telecommuting for our jobs. So it’s been a win-win for us; lots of time together with the person we love to spend time with as we save money not driving to the office and buying lunch, etc. even as we continue to receive our full paychecks.

But it’s also been sad, as we haven’t seen any of our kinky friends literally for months. We’d inevitably hit at least one event a month, either a munch of party, often both, but all of those have been suspended. Sure there’ve been some virtual events, but they lack the je ne sais quoi of a real, in person meetup.

We’ve “quaranteamed” with some few very, very close friends, and that’s certainly kept us from going entirely crazy. But we also very much enjoy and appreciate the energy one gets from meeting and interacting with people in a public space. Meeting new, like-minded people can be fun. And we first met our very, very close friends in just such an environment; it’s not as if they can be dismissed entirely.

Meanwhile, I know plenty of people who aren’t in long-term, monogamous relationships, who didn’t even have regular play partners, who “played the field” as it were. And that’s totally cool. Except that, under the “shutdown” reality, life seriously sucked.

The places and events where they used to hook up were suddenly gone. And the people they might regularly casually play with were suddenly, understandably, unavailable. Responsible adults who might otherwise be engaging in mutually enjoyable intimate activities found themselves out in the cold, at home and alone.

Certainly, I have several single friends who’ve managed to successfully “quaranteam” with a very select household. And I’ve been pleased to see that their irregular get-togethers have been both safe and satisfying. One friend in particular has purchased a rather elaborate motorcycle, and her household engages in regular rides in local, isolated environs (I’m actually rather jealous… she seems to be having a great deal of fun).

But then there are the friends (extremely peripherial ones) who’re engaging in out-and-out inappropriate activity.

They’re had play parties, open to what they consider a “select” group, but which are essentially open (we were invited and chose not to attend). Others have announced, through less-than-public channels, out-and-out orgies.

None of these activities seem anywhere near responsible given the current pandemic crisis. Indeed, they would appear to be quite the opposite.

A great many of these individuals are young, under 35, so they’re part of a typically low risk community. Hell, unless you’re immunocompromised for some reason, or over 70, you’re probably low risk regardless. By some estimates, 95% of people who catch COVID 19 will get a mild form of the illness.

But if you’re in that 5%, well, best have your advanced directive in order. This is a lottery you don’t want to play.

As things are opening back up, none of the groups I’m familiar with locally have any events planned. Of course, the underground groups are rejoicing, feeling vindicated. Not that I’ve heard of anyone in particular getting sick. Not that I necessarily would have.

Meanwhile, my girl and I are electing to continue to stay home. We’re happy together and don’t see any reason to take unnecessary risks.

What has your experience been during the recent pandemic crisis?

About the Author

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Will Hunt on 24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer CakeThank you :) I shall enjoy reading. W
John Clevis on 24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer CakeYes Will, it's Uniquely Dominant by, Ms. Rika. If you use Amazon, all of her books are there and there's...
Will Hunt on 24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer CakeThat is great to hear. I think people have so many preconceptions about what D/s is that it can be...

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