Don’t miss Morgan Thorne going over how to keep kink alive during the pandemic!
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Keeping it Kinky in Quarantine BDSM during the Corona Virus Epidemic
Keeping it Kinky in Quarantine BDSM during the Corona Virus Epidemic
bdsm
An Analysis Of BDSM’s Old Guard
The More Things Change, They Stay the Same
“I have problems with the way in which the distinction between ‘Old Guard’ and ‘New Guard’ is sometimes deployed. While there are many differences between leather/SM as it was practiced in the 1950’s and as it is practiced today, the shorthand terms can exaggerate and oversimplify our past and present.
Most of the alleged differences popularly thought to differentiate ‘Old Guard’ and ‘New Guard’ – formality versus informality, strict etiquette versus a more casual style of social interaction, deliberate training versus less organized acquisition of skill and knowledge – are more a matter of degree than absolute distinctions.” (Old Guard, New Guard; Cuir Underground; Gayle Rubin; 1998)
Even though this was published 23 years ago, it is as true today as it was then. Just change the terminology from “Old Guard” and “New Guard” to “New Guard” and “The New Generation.” Nothing which is being done today, is new. It has come full circle back to the beginning of Leather and kink in the 50’s and 60’s. Not quite back to the free for all and burgeoning organization(s); more of an organized chaos where there is less emphasis on exclusive organization and more on the individual and the sharing of information. Leather, both organized and unorganized, was near the beginning of a more overt kink culture in the United States. Their ideas, culture, and some of their traditions are still defining our journeys today, whether we want to admit it or not.
The Spirit of Kink Preserved
“All through this Handbook I will be at great pains to point out that much of what I have to say is opinion….. Your reaction may be entirely different, and your desires may exceed or fall short of the action I describe. This is exactly as it should be. No one – Larry Townsend or anyone else – can even begin to set the standards for your sexual needs and/or behavior.” (The Original Leatherman’s Handbook; Larry Townsend; 1972) This was the spirit of kink from the beginning which still pervades today. That there was not and will not be one way, one true way, or one way to be/conform to. Kink has been and still is a rare bastion of freedom in a world where everything we do from the wearing of socks to what shop we buy our coffee from becomes scripted.
If you are interested in, or are part of, a clan/house/family in BDSM you most likely have agreed to a structure and set of rules to be part of that organization. All well and good. However, all of that is dependent on being in the organization. Not kink, not Leather, not BDSM. It is their way, and possibly yours. I am not arguing against organizations, only saying that the structure and rules, are not kink dependent, they are organizationally dependent. Kink is its own animal; wild, untamed, and free. How it is expressed by the multitudes is up to each individual which can include a thousand rules, or none at all.
There Are No Magical Answers – Only History
There is still a lot of debate regarding what, if anything, the “Old Guard” was. I hear some people talk today about how they are like the “Old Guard.” How, if three generations back they were confused as to what it really was? Guy Baldwin, in a speech he gave in Tacoma, WA (September 20, 2014) referred to the subject by characterizing it as the, “….single most troublesome, misunderstood, divisive, and distracting issue to bedevil our leather world, and for succeeding generations: of course, I refer to The Old Guard.” (Full text of the speech available here Old Gods Die Hard | by Leatherati | Leatherati Online)
Even Jack Rinella stated he was a relative latecomer to Leather (circa late 70’s). Having done research into this subject himself he freely opined he had a hard time pinning down what the, “Old Guard,” was and he was much closer to the source than we are today.
They did not refer to themselves as, “Old Guard,” and by admission (through available essays and writing) many who were around in that era freely stated it was chaotic, a jumble of expectations getting loosely defined by organizations which began to form over time. Feeling their way through life, just as we are now. Figuring it out as we go along. There was no roadmap to help them preordain the way it would turn out as many historians would like us to believe.
Yet, there are many aspects of that era which survive today and things which we have added along the way. This forms an ever-evolving way of looking at and practicing kink. Where there was once S/M now there is BDSM which was not coined until decades later. Where safety and accountability were certainly mentioned in points of S/M history; Safe, Sane, and Consensual became a watch phrase born in the early 80’s. Early on there were not even Tops or bottoms let alone Dominants/Masters and submissves/slaves. All of this evolved through time. Much of which during can be considered in the, “New Guard,” era. If there is such a thing.
Even through evolution, the best ideas and values seem to survive.
Honesty and Integrity: “Real Leatherman keep their word: they do not borrow or lend money; they conduct their affairs with honor and integrity – they don’t lie.”
Recognition of experience: “Experience in the Scene determines social seniority (Top or bottom), not age, not size, not amount of leather worn, and not offices held in organizations, awards received or titles won.”
Courtesy: “….all are expected to observe rules of social courtesy – bad manners are inexcusable and can lower one’s status in the Scene….”
(The Old Guard History, Origins and Traditions; Drummer Magazine; Late 80’s; Guy Baldwin)
These are just a few examples of values set early on in the kink scene, which survive today. A quasi roadmap which did not exist in the 50’s. At least today, we have these bits and parts to lean on as a tacit guide. We may not be standing on the shoulders of giants, but path was certainly forged for us (and still is being forged) by some rather brave individuals.
Without their contributions to kink and the Scene, we may not have some of the generally accepted values today. Those values and contributions, in my opinion, are what lead people today to have a certain reverence for the past, keep us guessing about what it was really like, and if we are doing it “right” today.
Does it really matter?
Yes….. and no. It matters if you are like me; who understanding where we came from, can help inform us why we are the way we are today. If you are one who just likes to forge ahead without putting a whole like of pondering into it, maybe not. But those basic values and concepts which run through our community such as respect, courtesy, honesty, integrity, safety, etc inform our lives and the way we practice kink. Even for those who may not realize (or care about) how it all began.
Lessons hopefully passed on and learned; some traditions preserved and better ways of doing things being thought of every year and incorporated; and a spirit of freedom are at the heart of what it is that we do. An oral (sometimes written) history. Knowledge passed from the older generation to the younger in hopes they will carry the torch and keep improving on it. Some of the changes over the years have chapped my ass. But that is the nature of change and, “The New Generation,” certainly has the right to live kink in a way that makes the most sense for them.
We have a more conscious way for kink which fits with this era. One which is much more inclusive, much more safety conscious, and dare I say, much more, “out.” I cannot say the last decade has been entirely comfortable for me since the release of Fifty Shades of Grey (2011) popularized kink, but it has been certainly exciting, as well as exhausting. I look forward to the developments coming in the next ten years.
Note: For more information on the authors referenced in this article, please visit the links included below (in order of reference):
Gayle Rubin – Gayle Rubin – Wikipedia
Larry Townsend – Larry Townsend – Wikipedia
Guy Baldwin – Guy Baldwin – Wikipedia , Guy Baldwin – Leather Hall of Fame
Jack Rinella — Jack Rinella’s Home Page (leatherviews.com)
Sunday Morning
Eyelashes fluttering, she snapped to consciousness with a hand stroking down her body. Legs parting automatically, as was the rule, it took a moment of focus to realize why the hand which dipped between her legs to find moisture felt not quite right.
That’s right, she remembered suddenly. She’d gone to sleep last night with a woman curled between them, warm and sated, all three falling deeply into the kind of sleep that only aerobics followed by orgasm could bring. She turned her head to get lost in hair that swirled around the both of them, to see the curve of feminine lips above her. Passion took hold and she reached out in turn, burying fingers in the other woman’s hair as she begged their Master for permission to ride the wave of pleasure, the poured over the edge as if the waterfall had taken her.
Her front was suddenly hit by cooler air and she opened her eyes to see their Master pull their partner to the edge of the bed, using firm grips on her hair and her own positioning as leverage. He tipped their girl’s head over the edge of bed, sliding his cock between her eager lips. His gaze fell on her and she scrambled to place herself between their girl’s spread thighs. Placing her thumbs on their girl’s outer labia, she pushed to reveal the erect clitoris beneath. She wiggled closer on her stomach and buried her face between their girl’s thighs, taking a moment to enjoy the musky scent of all three of them blended together from last night before closing her eyes again and delicately lapping at the engorged flesh. As she pleasured their girl with mouth and hands, Master stroked in and out of her mouth, pausing when she struggled to breathe, gagging at times. Their girl wrapped her arms around His thighs, pulling him to her more enthusiastically as she began to approach her climax.
As He stroked and she licked, their girl imagined she was a flame burning between them, existing as nothing but an object for pleasure, and she screamed around the cock buried in her throat as she came, pulling Him closer and over that same waterfall with her, passion releasing down her throat. Disengaging, He stroked her her and the hair of his other partner as she crawled towards them. Rearranging themselves, they piled back onto the bed to lazily doze in the half-light of the morning, drifting back to sleep.
‘Easy like Sunday morning,’ was the last coherent mutter between them, their morning a happily haphazard tangle of bare limbs, blankets and stuffies. Breakfast could wait when there was love to be shared.
This week in kink: April 5, 2020
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Sex worker and writer Mistress Matisse reviews Hulu’s new OnlyFans doc, and reflects on the media’s prejudicial obsession with the adult industry
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When some men feel challenged or inadequate, they feel the need to express themselves sexually – and often the target of that aggression is a woman.
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For The Lust Of Lotti
She was quite a sight to behold. She slid her bottom around on the satin sheet like she was trying to get comfortable. The four-point restraints had given her very little wiggle room. Somewhere in the background, there was music playing. It was a mixtape. I’m not sure how much thought went into the music selection. Voluptuous breasts, untamed curls, a peach of a pussy, a fantasy to be consumed. How much more could a group of sexual deviants ask for. Even thinking the word deviants made me giggle. I had never been more respected, revered, or appreciated than by these people. Their passion for freedom and non-judgment made evenings like this a thrill and joy.
If we had all gotten dressed and gone home right now, it would have been a successful evening. But as I watched the various members of our sweet little club pack up things or get undressed, act as though they didn’t see a restrained naked woman in the middle of the room. I had to contain my giggle of elation. They were respecting the fact that she said no toys rule. To her, everybody was quiet. The master and slave combos and a couple of Doms whispered and pointed, deciding the part they wanted. They were being strategic and wanted to make the most of what was on offer. Voices were non-descript, and nobody moved. Every person there understood the power of making somebody wait. This was the mind game of play.
The fantasy of an orgy was just that, even for many of these players. Lottie was there to surrender to her wildest fantasy. All involved knew this wasn’t a session. It was play. It was about heightening her emotions and the pleasures of the flesh. Deprivation of touch and anticipation would mean her body would feel every touch and taste all the better. As the group planned, our host placed a candle warming bowl with oil on the table. Without a sound, he motioned to the bowl and took a step back. Two of the Doms were stripped down to underwear. Kenny still had on his socks.
They each generously lathered their hands with oil and went to either side of the bed. They made eye contact and approached the bed like two synchronized swimmers walking to the pool and stopping at the edge. With broad, silly smiles, each placed a hand on her thighs and oiled the length of her leg down to the ankle, adjusting their hands so as they slid up, they open her legs and exposed her sex. One after the other, a single slap and oiling of their side of her pussy. Their hands journeyed across her luscious curves, encompassed her breasts and tweaked her nipples. I never would have thought these two could bring such humour and lightness to the room. They were delighted with the smiles and giggle from everyone. They broke the tension, and others found their courage.
The host tapped his finger on her wrist indicating time, and flashed 10 fingers. Or make her wait 10 minutes. With that, Beanpole was on his knees, and a cock was in his mouth. Tears rolled down his face as he gagged while being face fucked. His humiliation continued as his arms were cuffed behind him. He was not afforded the dignity of a blindfold; his tormentor was the first slave auctioned this evening, and his master directed the humiliation with verbal jabs and taunts. Beanpole was fully erect, and his cock danced wildly. One of the taunters had found a strap rhythmically torturing beanpoles cock. Cries of pain were cut off with the gagging. Without warning, he was manhandled into standing up.
When his eyes were wiped, he was to take the one who had just taken him, a volley of spit hit his cock, lubing him up to enter the ass of his playmate. Several sets of hands massaged the faceless slave’s ass as we waited. Across the room, Tink was enjoying being treated to a thorough pussy eating by the female Dom. Tink’s legs wrapped around and convulsing with pleasure. I envisioned Tink’s head tipped back as I queened her. The body heat was increasing, and faces seemed to blur and fade as the frenzy of pleasure was raised with the foreplay. I found my bottle of water and finished it. I enjoyed my job as safety tonight, but my tits ached to be caressed and squeezed, my pussy pulsated, and my panties were soaked.
Tink was wearing a high cut, lace bodysuit, and a pair of 4-inch heels. The sides reached all the way to the top of her hip so that her legs looked quite long. She was at the bed head on the right-side, twirling a long ostrich feather between her thumb and index finger. My guess is it barely made a breath of wind, yet somehow Lottie knew someone was nearby. Instead, she started to speak; instead, she wet her lips and literally held her tongue between her teeth for just a moment.
Her breath was a bit ragged but still controlled. As Tink barely brushed Lottie’s arm, Beanpole had covered his hands in oil and began to massage one of her feet. She was tense, you could tell, because she was pressing her hips into the bed. Hands wandered over her body. She struggled as one of the men put his hand on her stomach. He read her mind, leaned forwards and whispered what she needed in her ear. His nails drew a figure- 8 across her pelvis, hesitating at her treasure trail but never dipped a finger neat her pussy. He continued to whisper and stroke her body. The tension lessened and she released her hips. He didn’t kiss her. I don’t even know if he was still talking to her. She was in her body, not in her head. She leaned into some touches and flinched from others. He drew his hands back and kissed her navel before letting the others finish what she started.
Someone else joined in. Three sets of hands massaged and saturated her with attention. A male head of blond hair covered her face. His kissing seems to light something in Lottie. Lotti’s body rose and fell at a steady rhythm. She was so ripe and ready. He moved down her neck and was distracted by the woman suckling Lotti’s breast. He massaged and twisted it while kissing the other woman. She put her hand in his shorts and worked his cock. He rubbed and flicked Lotti’s tit in time to the hand job he was getting.
In my mind, I knew what she was feeling. She held her breath, and warmth rushed over her. She exhaled slowly to try and control the fireworks being set off in her nervous system. She figured she needs to control her responses. She didn’t know what letting would feel like. She was afraid. The one thing she needed was to let go. I knew how alive her body was. It felt electric. The room smelled of sex. this was to be her clit was swollen, and a butterfly kiss would make her cum. Her vagina pined to be filed. I placed a hand on her cheek so she would know I was there.
I asked so others could hear me, “red?”
“No,” came clear and fast.
“Yellow?”She hesitated. I looked at the others and raised my eyebrows. It was only a few seconds, just long enough for the others to withdraw themselves.
“I’m good,” was all she said. The group descended and continued. A naked man lid between her legs and kissed her sex. His tongue slipped between her lips and started to eat. Lapping up her wetness, his arms were under her thighs and held her to his face moving with the undulations of her hips.
My head was close to hers. I traced the edge of her ear and down her neck. I whispered encouragement and compliments. I told her to let her mind go to be in her body. Accept the worship, feel the adoration in every nip, scratch and touch. She nodded, and I stepped back. I walked over to Beanpole with my back to the room.
“You were a really good boy tonight. Go to the bathroom and clean yourself up, be quick!”
I collected napkins and emptied bottles from around the room while the gang banged on. It was a little after three. The players moved around her. They pleasured each other and metered attention onto Lotti. Our host tapped playmates, and they slowly moved away. The dark circle of wet was proof of Lotti’s pleasure. There had been no penetration, no final bang? What the hell? Really! They were going to leave her hanging? I was pissed for her. Our host put a finger to his lips as the players began to mumble.
“Lovely Lotti, we thank you for being a dessert buffet of delights. You have a room of people who want this to be your fantasy fulfilled. Are you still green, or are we done?” he smiled slyly as he spoke the last sentence.
“Get the condoms on and make ‘em all green,” She laughed and pushed her breast up. Out host laughed and said, “let the ravishing begin.” Everyone was in for a piece of the pleasure. Hands were caressing and squeezing. Kisses, nips and sucking filled the space. Those waiting their turn masturbated to the show in front of them. Asses were smacked or fingered; vaginas were pleasured. Lotti let go. She found her perfect cock. The frenzy did its job, with the third cock, not the longest, but definitely the thickest. He moved slowly and held deep for a moment. As he increased his pace, she struggled against the restraints to raise her hips to him. Without stopping, he motioned to her quick releases and left the cuffs attached. She drew up her knees and pressed into her hips.
He growled, “Yes” He increased his speed, and the playgroup began a retreat. Then he drew her down, so he had one leg on the floor and a knee on the bed. And I swear to god, I have never seen this before; he was dancing with her cunt. He would go deep, do a pelvic thrust and pull back with his hips in the forward position. As he pulled back, he pressed her right hip down and rotated her hips. He fucking salsaed her cunt. Instantly, I could feel him in me, my whole body throbbing to take all of him in. Lotti’s breath was fast and a little rough. Moans from deep inside filled the room as the two gyrated couplings were all over the basement. The main ring was inspiring.
Lotti pulled up around the perfect cock as he brought her to climax. Bucking against him until she froze in time. Her nails dug in, and she flicked her hips a half dozen times very slowly, and a mouse’s squeal was buried in his chest. He held her inside for a moment, kissed her hard and walked away. He tossed the condom in the trash. He saluted the room as he collected his pants and shorts. He left the basement, singing goodbye. I clapped a hand over my mouth to contain the giggle. My body was tired. My arms and legs ached, everything was funnier, I was done. As I curled up on the couch, I watched the others talk and reassure each other. Lotti’s mask was removed, she was offered a blank and a plate of fruit. What a night.
Kink Safety: Zoom & Telegram Precautions
Even as some states are lifting lockdown restrictions, there are some digital aspects of the pandemic I hope stick around. Telegram has been an awesome way to connect my local community, and this time has spawned a web of chat rooms with a variety of subject focuses, as well as chats for various local groups to just talk about their day or discuss random kink topics. Additionally, while there is no substitute for trying things in person, I have attended some truly excellent kink educational events via Zoom over the past year. For classes ranging from consent and negotiations to first aid for BDSM, all the way to a class on face needles, the Zoom camera gave me access to a much better view of some of the up-close details I wasn’t often able to see when attending class in a dungeon. Additionally, it has meant I could attend classes held in other communities with the click of a button, despite being hundreds of miles away.
Unfortunately, these new accounts and technological connections also give additional opportunities for kinksters to slip up and disclose more personal information than intended. My goal is to help walk y’all through some small privacy precautions that will hopefully keep you from flashing full names to the kink world at large.
I often see newcomers join Telegram making a couple of key mistakes. The first is using their name rather than choosing a screen name. The “name” option is your display name, not the @tag people will use to search you. If you plan to use it for vanilla purposes, you can choose something innocuous. If not, I suggest disabling search functions so contacts in your phone who are already users of Telegram or who join later won’t run across your kinky self chatting up a storm.
So here’s how. Under settings, go to the “privacy and security” tab. Under phone number, check “Nobody” can see you and only people you add to Telegram as contacts can search you that way. Under the main tab, turn off the function to sync contacts from your phone, as well as the one to suggest frequent contacts. I also advise selecting the option to delete already synced contacts if it has done this without you realizing it. For phones, you can edit your display name by clicking the three dots on an Android phone. Choose a display name that isn’t your vanilla first and last name. As an additional suggestion, consider listing your preferred pronouns.
For Zoom, prior to joining a meeting, make sure any identifying information you don’t want to share is edited first. To change your display name from your full legal name, go to the “My Account” tab. Click on “edit” and change your name. IMPORTANT: Don’t forget to change it back. My family knows what I do for a living and wouldn’t blink an eye if I joined a chat as Christmas bunny, but if my fet name were 69slutpuddle69, I suspect my family might have something to say. My employer might have even more to say.
Alternatively, have a separate kink email address and Zoom account that you log into for kink events. Again, don’t forget to log out, or just make sure not to click the check box asking if you want to stay logged in. It requires thought and consideration to protect yourself digitally. While mistakes can happen, it is important to be deliberate and careful if you want to avoid accidentally outing yourself.
When I host Zoom events for kinksters, I always watch the waiting room tab so that if someone forgets, I can edit their name for them to an innocuous first initial. You can usually edit your own name during a Zoom meeting my clicking on the three options dots on the right hand corner of your own video screen, or through the participants window when it is pulled up.
Unfortunately, not everyone who hosts a meeting will have experience doing so, and the delay in response time means more minutes passing with your full name exposed to people you didn’t intend to share that with.
Please, please, please take the time to learn how to be safer online, whether or not these digital mediums continue to flourish in the future.
Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.
Safe Caller Does Not Mean Chatty Friend
Some people seem to think that the job of the safe caller is not all that important. “It’s just what you would normally do, letting someone know where you are” is an attitude I’ve recently seen.
That is wrong. Painfully wrong. Dangerously wrong.
The purpose of a safe caller isn’t just so someone knows where you are; the other person knows you have back up; or to calm your nerves while waiting.
Yes, those may be aspects of the job. I’ve been all three of those things, because the safe caller is whatever the person going to the meeting needs them to be. Most of the time, those things are all that is needed.
The ultimate purpose of a safe caller, however, is to call the police to rescue your ass if shit goes sideways.
I know a great many wonderful people. I would not, however, pick the biggest flake to be my safe caller. Or the one I know is not good under pressure or in emergency situations. If I wouldn’t trust them to watch a puppy for the weekend, I’m not going to trust them with my life.
In fact, I have asked someone with whom I wasn’t particularly friends, because I knew she’d do the job well if shit went bad on me.
The person you select must be calm in the midst of crisis. They must be confident when speaking to authority figures, and even a little pushy about getting their point across. They must know how to efficiently give the facts without paragraphs of unnecessary information.
They must be capable of dealing effectively with 911 personnel to convey your location and the situation and get help to you as quickly as possible.
It doesn’t have to be a ten point plan, but the use of a code word can be very helpful. Say the code word is deuces. You say “Is everything deuces?” If the person on the date repeats the word back to you “Yeah, it’s totally deuces!”, shit’s gone bad and they need help. If they don’t use the word “Yeah, everything is great”, all is well.
This is a serious job.
They must not hesitate to make that call if the code word is used.
They must not fail you.
Anyone will do if you’re a little nervous waiting for the other person to arrive and are texting to fill the time.
We are talking about your personal safety. If they’re not ready, willing, and capable of calling 911 for you, should it go bad, then that person is not a safe caller.
In case you do not know…
To call 911 in a city not your own, you must know the area code for the person’s location.
Dial 1- (area code) – 911
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 12 years in public venues.
She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor
She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
Sexualizing Your Dynamic
From the time I was sexually active I was always surprised when I dated a girl who was as sexually active and as horny as I was. I was raised in a home with a prude for a mother, and sex was never, ever discussed. It was not as if sex was made to be bad or dirty, it just was never ever discussed. So, I grew up very horny but not really aware of or clear about how girls saw, thought about or experienced sex. My high school experience was mostly mashing with girls at parties. It was here that I had my first kiss and felt up the breasts of one or two girls, and it wasn’t until I had almost graduated high school that I had my first actual sexual encounters, close to 18 years of age. My early sex life was more of a hormone driven desperate desire to ejaculate, than an exploration of sexuality. That only happened later.
In college I got lots of pussy, and for the most part it was a continuation of my adolescence expressed as 20-year-old rookie vanilla sex. I had one secret weapon though. My older sister, who was nine years older than me, once shared with me when I was perhaps 9 or 10 years old, that I “should always please my lover before I please myself.” I didn’t really understand what she was on about, but even so, I took that to heart and by and large, over time, I became adept at eating pussy and withholding my orgasm till my lover climaxed. Then, in college, I dated my first serious girlfriend, Maryellen. She was a 25. I was 19. She was very sexy and very sexual more than that, she was the first girl I dated that unabashedly worshiped my cock. She loved sucking my cock, she took pictures of my erection on the beach, and she really made me feel a little uncomfortable about how much she was into my cock. At the time, I was a bit embarrassed about her obsession if I am honest. Looking back though, I can see how things might have gone differently if I was more aware of my sexual power which only emerged for me later in life. I went from girlfriend to girlfriend in college, until I eventually at 23, I dated, lived with and then married my wife at age 26, and for those 3 years and the next 3 years our sex life was about the same as before – uninspired vanilla sex. You might say that as regards my sex life, I had an almost certain predictable future. Then at age 29 we started having kids and my sex life came to a sputtering halt. The future I was living into changed entirely from boring and intermittent, to barely active at all as regards my sex life. What this meant for me was that for about 20 years, I spent my nights lying in bed next to an otherwise sexy blonde who was nursing and mothering her 4 kids, and who had no real interest in sex at all. I was left to fantasize to porn magazines and movies I rented from Blue video, while I masturbated, imagining a kinky submissive who loved sex as much as I did as my forever partner. It was the old Woody Allen joke “the problem with my sex life is that it only involved one consenting adult.” I joke about it now, but it really was painful. I suffered the loneliness that accidental celibacy produced for me. My “love language” is “physical contact and genital sex.” Hers was “service”. We were as sexually compatible as chalk and cheese are alike. Out of desperation, I found women from time to time to engage with sexually, and through this process, I more or less interacted with my fantasy women “Submissive sluts who worshiped my cock” by doing so. What made this difficult was that the women I encountered were deeply sexual and so unlike my wife that I was ready to leave her time and time again. This was an unsustainable condition. Naturally, my wife and I ended up getting divorced.
After we separated, I set about deeply exploring my sexuality. And I found myself dating ever more kinky women and I got to take a deep dive into my kinky fetishes. I found that I was into BDSM and I identified naturally as a Top or Dom. I also found an outlet for me my sadistic nature in the world of sexuality. I was genuinely surprised at the number of women I encountered who willingly and happily gave me their consent. It was truly mind-blowing.
I spent the next few years contemplating the women I was with, and what occurred for me was this. I was searching for the “perfect partner” for me. I conjured up out of nothing the idea that I lived with a collared submissive slut in 24/7 total power exchange. I created the possibility in my mind that such a partnership would result in a deeply loving and committed dynamic where we were sex forward and kink forward and that she would choose me to be her Master gifting herself to me ongoingly, and that inside of that dynamic, the intimacy that I had been missing my whole life would naturally occur.
My intention was to collar my submissive slut and to live with her while as her full self-expression as a completely sexualized 3-hole slut. What I mean by this is that without any effort, she authentically sees herself as my imminently desirable, always available sexual creature who orgasms during impact play, and has earth shattering, powerful orgasms, especially during anal play. I require her complete discipline and devotion as a sexual creature and partner. I can happily report that Living with Lady Petra has been and continues to be the fulfillment of this intention.
The process of sexualizing my slut requires ongoing training and committed effort on my part to achieve the desired outcome on a gradient. At the same time, my slut needs to be coachable, willing and interested in being fully self-expressed in service to her Master as his owned and collared submissive slut and masochist. In short, she belongs to me, and it is up to me to make sure that her service is rewarded and encouraged. I am 100% responsible. At the same time, she is also 100% responsible for creating the relationship on a daily basis. For example, she kneels for me in a perfect Nadu pose to indicate that she is ready to be used. This is her choice.
We had a conversation about sexualizing the dynamic on our podcast the Kinky Cocktail Hour – here is an excerpt of that conversation:
“SafferMaster:
… that is what this podcast is about. Is this broader question of how do you sexualize a dynamic? And this (wearing clit jewelry all day) is an example of how you sexualize a dynamic. What I mean by that is in any relationship, sex can be something that happens between a couple regularly or intermittently and life gets in the way in the middle. Right. And I can imagine certainly from my own experience, I imagine from other people’s experience that oftentimes sex gets put to the side and in a dynamic where there’s a power dynamic occurring of any sort or a D/s dynamic of any sort. The question is “how do you keep the context of the dynamic sexual” and you, and I both believe in a healthy sexual context, we are in a sex forward, kink forward dynamic, that was what we created, and in a healthy sexual dynamic, the CONTEXT is sexual, it is not just the sex that is sexual.
Lady Petra:
Right, right. Oh, I mean, yes, there are all different things happening in a scene. However, I feel throughout our scene-ing, it’s all sexualized. And I mean that because for me, if, if you’re flogging me, I’m cumming.
SafferMaster:
Right.
Lady Petra:
And you’re usually stroking your cock and things like that. And when I’m caned, I’ve cum before and then of course you in the way we do that as cane and then you fuck my ass, that kind of thing. And it brings that context. So we just, we stay like really connected to that context all the time
SafferMaster:
In a scene.
Lady Petra:
Yes.
SafferMaster:
I’m arguing that there’s a broader context to our dynamic that’s sexualized.
Lady Petra:
Yeah. I agree. I agree with you.
SafferMaster:
And what I’m arguing is that there’s a way to keep the dynamic sexualized so that the sexual scenes are [always] really exciting and hot and you don’t have … get up for them.
Lady Petra:
Well, I definitely think the way we foreplay.
SafferMaster:
yes, as an example,
Lady Petra:
All day long or two days ahead or whatever.
SafferMaster:
Yeah.
Lady Petra:
I think that’s a perfect example of creating, um, excitement and intensity and a readiness to in your head versus not knowing what’s happening next. What there’s, this is one thing I noticed just based on the dynamic we’ve created we’re sex forward. So we play all the time.
SafferMaster:
Yes.
Lady Petra:
You know, and, but we also have lives and work and stuff. So we tend to use the early part of our day to wake up and to get going with our days. And there could be sexualization happening there, but that’s kind of what’s happening. And then we save the latter part mid, mid to latter parts of our day as sceneing.
SafferMaster:
Yeah.
Lady Petra:
You know, but in that whole day there’s sexualization. So if you think about it, you’re, you’re I get up early before you, cause I need to go to the gym and I need to go do some stuff. And my work hours are a lot earlier than yours. And so I get up and I do normal things, dynamic tasks, things, things that make me responsible for myself wellbeing and for the households wellbeing, what have you. But then I send you a picture of my marks,
SafferMaster:
Right
Lady Petra:
So that’s sexualizing, you know, you know what I’m saying? And lately we’ve added picture of my toes and occasional add a picture of me kind of a fun, sexy type of picture with me right before we’ve even been face-to-face in the morning.
SafferMaster:
Right.
Lady Petra:
And then, you know, of course we make time to be affectionate when we greet each other in the morning, we don’t take that for granted that it just, who we are, you know? So we make sure to do that. And then throughout the day, we’re both responsible for greetings and for acknowledgement in an affectionate sexual way with one another,
SafferMaster:
right.
Lady Petra:
You also have given me tasks to do edging tasks or have explained when you go on your walk and I prepare myself what you expect me to do to prepare,
SafferMaster:
right.
Lady Petra:
Uh, that may not be the normal thing we do. It would be additional stuff. Or if you have a specifics on how you present yourself, you also then know there are times when you’re giving me freedom that you don’t know what you’re going to come home to. You might come home to me appearing any way, any which way, which is an excitement for you.
SafferMaster:
Sure.
Lady Petra:
You know, you going on your walk, knowing I’m getting prepared is sexualizing that time that you’re away.
SafferMaster:
It’s very difficult to have a walk, try to listen to my book knowing that you are home getting prepared .., I’m going to get home to a horny slut, presenting herself to be used. It’s hot.
Lady Petra:
Yeah.”
In this back and forth, you can see that my collared slut is all in. She is 100% committed to the dynamic. She has been trained to present herself, she has been trained to cum with flogging and caning. She is a trained ass whore. She does as instructed in order to please me sexually. For example, when she kneels for her flogging, she arches her back and presents her ass and leans into the flogger. She may get 300 or 400 strokes and she is dripping wet with her juices running down her legs having experienced multiple orgasms, and her ass is red hot after her flogging. Because I like fucking her red-hot ass, she likes having her ass red hot for me to fuck. She is fully enrolled and registered into her role as my collared submissive slut and all that that entails.
Keeping the context sexualized had not only enhanced our relationship, but it has kept our dynamic healthy too. Take this text exchange last week
Me: I think today would be a good day to wear your clit Jewelry
LP: Thank you Sir
Me: And while you are at it, use the Hitachi every 30 minutes on your swollen clit to make yourself cum
LP: Yes Sir, thank you Sir
She then sent me a message every 30 minutes to let me know she had completed the task she was assigned. On occasion I went into the adjacent room to kiss her and fondle her breast while she masturbated with the Hitachi. By the time I used her later that day , she was a “soupy mess” as she put it.
Remember, I spent over 30 years in a relationship where there was no broader context to keep the sexual aspect of our relationship present and alive, and now, I live in a D/s dynamic where the context is fully sexualized all the time.
She is a service slut, so part of what fills her cup is to serve. She is fastidious and committed to making our home beautiful. She supports my cheffy nature by being my sous chef and by keeping the kitchen clean. All of this “domestic activity” plays into her nature as a service sub and on top of that she is deeply submissive to me and chooses me to submit to.
My self-expression as her Dom includes a commitment to keeping the dynamic highly charged with sexual energy. It is working out perfectly.
When I look at how I spent the 30 years before I met her as compared to the time since I created this dynamic with her, it is shocking to consider that this highly charged sexual dynamic was always within my grasp, and at the same time, just out of reach the whole time. It was really the absence of a willing partner to make it all come together.
Today, my view is that sexualizing their dynamic is the most worthwhile step a couple can take to bring their dynamic fully into alignment.
SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.
You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com
The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms
This week in kink news: March 29, 2021
India gets its first legal sex shop!
Click below to learn more from Outlook!
Launched last month, Kama Gizmos has become India’s first official brick-and-mortar sex shop
Pastry chef turned Dominatrix?
Click below to find out more of her story with Daily Star!
A pastry chef who quit her 9-5 job to become a professional dominatrix admits that working in the sex industry is hard, but the benefits of cash and sex make up for it
It’s so imperative that people know the difference between BDSM and abuse. The two are quite different.
BDSM always involves consent. Abuse involves unwanted, non-consensual behavior.
Click below to read more from The Conversation!
It's important for those who engage in BDSM to be aware of the distinction between harmless kink and violence. But it's also important for BDSM not to be considered a de facto abusive practice.
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
BDSM 101: Self-Collaring
You don’t need a D-type to wear a collar!
Click below to learn more about self-collaring from the amazing Evie Lupine!
BDSM 101: Self-Collaring
