Dating advice – my boyfriend is a voyeur

With the corona virus destroying a lot of our fun time, I felt it would be neat to find a question that is entertaining.  And this one, about peeping Tomism and other perversions (or kinks as our website says!), seems to fit the bill. 

Reader: I’m a female submissive who’s just starting a new relationship. We knew each other as friends first, but now we’re serious. There’s one thing about him that troubles me… He likes to watch people playing and having sex. He’s watched me masturbate a lot, and now he wants to watch me play with other people. I guess it really turns him on… I’m not totally opposed to it, but I don’t get it. What does it mean about him? Is he a “Peeping Tom”? Why would he want to watch when he could play with me himself?

Since you chatted online with your Dom before meeting him, it can safely be assumed (although one should never assume) that you did not state that voyeurism was a hard limit. If, in fact, this is a hard limit and it wasn’t discussed, then you have a problem that I probably cannot solve. (This does happen, believe it or not, from time to time!) Had you discussed his serious voyeuristic needs, you could have stopped the relationship before it started had this disturbed you to the “I can never do it” level. That is why I always recommend serious discussion of your kinks early on. But, enough Monday morning quarterbacking; we have your predicament to solve.

You ask, “What does it mean about him?” The answer is, “absolutely nothing.” We are all captives of our deepest perversions; some of us act on them, others don’t. I find that most so-called “normal people” are usually those who hide their darkest fantasies from their partners. One of the best aspects of this lifestyles is the “say it loud, I’m a perv and I’m proud” approach. Basically, we should just accept each other’s consensual-adult kinks and not make any value judgments. The only conclusion that matters is whether your partner’s kink works for you or not. How he/she got there is fodder for a shrink; it is less about what it means in the cosmic scheme of things than what it means to your relationship. 

You state that there is one problem that bothers you. Not two. Not three. One. This bodes well for you; one problem is easier to fix than a bunch of them. The question to ask regarding this dilemma is, does it turn you on or off? Can you get into it? Does it change your attitude toward your prospective Master? Remember, if you are going to think long-term, you must be able to deal with your partner’s major kink. The reason people enter this lifestyle is to feed their perversions; if they wanted to change them to a vanilla norm they would not be here. Thus, you must accept the fact that “what you see is what you get.” Whether you call it voyeurism or Peeping Tom-ism, you can bet that this is what really turns your Dom on. If you can get into his very specific kinks, then all will likely be fine. 

I would not try to change him; trying to modify a Dom’s behavior is rarely an effective strategy for success. Since your relationship is new, although you call it “serious,” you are still in the negotiating stage. Thus, I would discuss some other areas that you might like to have fulfilled. After all, unless he is a bust-out total 24/7 voyeur, chances are there are other areas in BDSM that you both enjoy that don’t involve voyeurism. 

The oft-repeated cliché that relationships are about communication is oft-repeated because it is true. And, communication cuts both ways. He has told you of his voyeuristic kink. You should be able to open up and tell him your perversions. This is a great opportunity for both of you to explore fresh areas of play. If voyeurism is not a hard limit – and it appear it is not – then just go with it and see where it leads. You might find you love it. Just as your Dom might enjoy play that excites you. As the great Dominant, James Bond, said, “Never say never!” 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.