In the comments of one of my previous articles (Stoicism is Not a Gauntlet Thrown Down, www.kinkweekly.com/article-guest-author/stoicism-not-gauntlet-thrown ) I was asked a few questions.
I thought I would take the time to address the issue in general.
“Have you written any articles on begging?”
Not really, until now. While I appreciate being asked nicely, and having bottoms ask politely for what they want, I’m not into making them beg. I don’t make them ask repeatedly. I’m not into humiliation games.
“I am struggling with the right things to say to please my mistress.”
You will have to ask her what the “right things” are. You have to open your mouth and make words to ask her “what words would you find most pleasing?” (Or something to that effect.) They don’t have to be the perfect words at first, because you’re just now asking what the perfect words are. The important thing is starting the dialogue, awkward as that may be.
If she says that you’ll “have to figure it out”, then you have a decision to make. Do you want to continue in a relationship that leaves you floundering right when you need help the most? In which you have zero guidance and your dom won’t communicate with you?
Or do you end the relationship and search for someone who will be more supportive of your efforts to please?
There is this urge to please, to do more. It’s not always necessary. Sometimes a sub is over-eager and wants to do more than the dom wants of them. Sometimes you just have to take a breath, calm down a little, and settle into what the dom wants of you. It’s okay to sit together in silence and do…nothing. Being together, being that companion, may be quite satisfactory.
This is part of that communication thing we’re always hammering on about. So start the conversation.
“She gets frustrated with me.”
Is she frustrated with you or with herself for not communicating more clearly what she wants?
This isn’t all on you. Relationships are 50/50. It takes two to tango. (I’ll add some more clichés if I think of them.) Both parties have to be engaged and working for a stable dynamic. If one is not engaged and putting in the effort, the other may well get tired of trying to carry the entire load without any encouragement. I’ve been there myself. It contributed to the demise of my second marriage.
“I really want to be a good slave so people will realize what a great mistress she is.”
You can be a terrific slave and she a crappy mistress. One is not necessarily the result (or the impetus) of the other.
If you’re trying but the dom is giving you no input on how to improve, or the most basic information on what they want, I think you seriously need to examine the relationship and address these issues directly.
If you have a hard time coming up with words to speak, write them down when you’re apart. Just a simple list. Number them. Then sit down away from the playroom and have a serious heart to heart conversation.
Note that I don’t say “outside of the dynamic”. I don’t believe in putting a dynamic on hold (especially a 24/7 d/s dynamic) just to have a conversation. There’s no reason you can’t be on your knees at her feet to discuss the issues you face.
“I assume the begging is different a male sub to a femdom vs a female sub for male dom. Is that correct?”
Since I don’t make subs/slaves beg, I really wouldn’t know the answer to that. I don’t think it really matters all that much for the purpose of this article. Begging is about control. The one doing the begging doesn’t have it. The one making you beg does.
It’s not, however, always a matter of humiliation.
My former dom would sometimes make me beg to have an orgasm during sex. It wasn’t a humiliation thing, but a buildup of repeated denials that led to an explosive orgasm when he finally said yes.
Whether or not begging is a form of humiliation play is an individual matter. For some people, it is. For others it is not. It might be humiliation for the bottom but not the top. It might be a power-trip for the top and a huge sexual turn on for the bottom.
It’s not a matter of which way is “correct”. They all are.
It’s more a matter of identifying what triggers it trips and making sure that both parties are consenting to the activity itself.
About the Author
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.
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Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
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She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
Thank you for this perspective, I appreciate your focus on the communication aspect of begging. I’ve never been sure of myself in this area, and it’s not always obvious what a Domme wants in one’s behaviour.
My rules on proper begging:
1) State Clearly what you want in the form of a request and with reverence appropriate to the dynamic
2) Explain why you want it
3) Acknowledge that you need me to give it to you
4) Restate what you want
“Please tell me how you’d like to be addressed. I don’t want to accidentally annoy you by saying the wrong thing and I want to please you by following your preferences. No matter what my experience, you are the only one who truly knows the proper way to address you. Please tell me how you’d like to be addressed and I will follow that forever”