christmas bunny

No Flirting With Hostility

February 2, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

Having poly aspects to a D/s dynamic can be an interesting balancing act.

I’m on what may end up being permanent hiatus from my own poly adventures, but Santa, being the dapper and charming fellow that He is, often gets requests to play with others. I’m sure it would be even worse if He wore the suit.

I have no demands as far as who He does and does not play with, as that isn’t how this works. TPE for us means I may make requests, and they will be carefully considered. I know I hold value for Him, though, and as such, we have some ground rules in place.

If someone can’t be at least friendly to me, He isn’t interested in playing with them. They don’t have to message me every day and tell me what they had for lunch, discuss their emotions in depth, or all of their thoughts on the socioeconomic policies congress is currently considering, but they do need to be on passingly friendly terms with me. It is too easy for light flirting in public or online forums to become flirting with hostility.

What do I mean by that? I mean when someone is rubbing another person’s face in intimacy that occured with their partner. In our case, that would be like Him playing separately with someone who actively disliked me for any number of reasons, then that person deliberately bringing up that play to be vindictive.

Women are incredibly skilled at being ugly to one another. Many of us raised in environments with “socializing” are quick to pick up talent at being absolutely viscious while seeming completely harmless to men. It flies right under their radars most of the time, almost totally invisible. It can seem like harmless flirting to them, a little light banter, when in reality every word is an ugly barb, exquisitely crafted to do as much damage as possible to a separate target.

The challenge with that is convincing someone who is unaware of those subtle skills that the devil really does exist. Oh, she’s just being playful / friendly / some other positive adjective. She doesn’t mean any harm, she just forgot that it bothers you for her to discuss it in front of you. I didn’t respond to her fast enough so she figured it was fine to post that picture without giving you a heads-up.

Maybe those were all innocent. Maybe they weren’t. If the women are on good terms, I’m more inclined to believe it was. If they aren’t, I’m much more likely to believe those behaviors have less posivite motivators.

Daddy isn’t all about that drama life. If someone wants to play, she’s gotta be on good terms with me. No exceptions. To ignore that rule courts relationship trouble, and even more serious play is not worth the potential problems.

Not even if she wears bbq scented perfume and has beer-flavored nipples.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

But What I Want She Gets

January 19, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

It’s so easy to look at what someone else has and believe it is what we need to find happiness. I see it all the time. It can be as simple as wishing you’d ordered what someone else was served at a lunch meeting, or as painful and potentially relationship-damaging as constantly envying metamours for the kind of attention or time they are getting from a mutual partner.

Metamour Envy. It’s truly a poison that can damage more than one relationship when left to spread unchecked.

We like to talk a good game in poly.

Let each relationship develop into what it will be independent of outside influence – down with the relationship escalator!

But how often do we find ourselves riding it without even realizing it? Maybe even while emphatically insisting we aren’t. All the while, we chat idly with metamours, internally comparing our relationships.

She gets more time with him than I do. She sees him four nights a week and I only get one.

He plays with her more than he plays with me. I have to beg to get scene time when he’ll give it to everyone else before me.

I don’t like pain and she does, so he won’t ever do those things with me and it isn’t fair.

Isn’t fair.

It isn’t fair!

Do those people really want what someone else has, or are they afraid? Is it envy because they want it, envy because they want that time, or jealousy because they fear losing what they have? Those are all very different things that we can all easily mistake for something simple.

What happened to taking each relationship and letting it grow based on the needs and wants of the people in it?

If my partner only wants to play with me once a month, but I look sideways and see Him playing with other people, too, should my demands for more play time for me supersede his need for other types of play than I can do with Him?

If my demands for attention begin to impact the way He can interact with other partners in public or private, am I treating them with the courtesy that I would want them to show me?

Am I behaving with only selfish goals in mind, or am I doing my honest best to be a good person in a given scenario?

Frankly, I would feel awful if I felt He were neglecting another partner and it were because of my wants. You see, our particular agreement is that He would see to my needs. Demands are not needs. My mental health is a need, but is my responsibility. He is not my property to command and He is not my pain dispenser.

If I am not happy, it isn’t His fault, and it isn’t His responsibility to try to create happiness in me. That has to first come from me, and if I don’t already have it, He cannot artificially create it, only loan me His. My acquisition of it at that point is vampiric and will drain Him of positivity slowly, but surely, until He is as unhappy with me as I am with myself.

I say this using myself as the object, knowing I am quite happy, both with myself and with my partner, despite my ever-present issues, of course. I have run across many people who fall into this trap, leaving broken relationships in their wake, the other person always guilty of not making them happy.

They aren’t going to find that in someone else. They aren’t going to get that if they are given what they say they want. Because in the end, what they really need has to come from inside, the place that lacks it the most.

About the Author

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Yes, Please, Santa Daddy

January 5, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

Ho, ho, ho! Have you been a good little girl this year?

The stern voice came from above her bed as she lay nestled in among stuffies, naked under the blankets. Her eyes popped open.

Santa? Her voice sleepily questioned her eyes. I must be dreaming, she thought.

You’re not dreaming, little one, came the stern voice of Santa again, and I believe I asked you a question, young lady.

She sat up sleepily, rubbing her eyes while avoiding Santa’s gaze. She pulled the covers up to absently cover part of her pert breasts as she nibbled her lower lip.

Well, you see, Santa, she began, I’m quite certain I’ve been awfully nice this year…

Her voice trailed off as she saw the firm expression harden.

Santa’s gloved hand reached toward her and stroked her cheek. You know lying is quite naughty, don’t you?

He said not another word, but moved that hand to her hair, quick as a whip. Closing his hand to a fist he slowly pulled her head back, one rosy cheek alongside hers.

He sat upon her bed and used her hair to draw her over his knee. She could have resisted, but something deep within her resonated to the absolute rightness of this moment.

His gloved hand descended onto her bare bottom, warming it with his strokes. Alternating cheeks, she could feel all of weight of being so very naughty draining from her body. She began to eagerly meet the slaps of his hand with her bottom, and she closed her mouth around the moan, not wanting Santa to know the effect his punishment was having on her.

She could feel the warmth of his breath from his beautifully red, bowlike mouth as he whispered in her ear, I already know.

The First Rule Of Fight Club

January 5, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

There is an unspoken rule in most kink communities.

Identities are to be kept secret.

We may learn someone’s first name or about the type of work they do, but it is usually drilled into us early on in our admittance into the secret dungeons and kinky conventions that we are not to seek that information out. If we are entrusted with it, that is one thing. Asking someone about things which can potentially identify them outside of the kink community can be anything from grounds for gentle correction to expulsion from an event depending on the severity of the offense and the group in which the misstep occurs.

Why, though, are we so paranoid about personal information?

Well, in addition to Google, there are search engines specifically dedicated to locating people. They require three pieces of information. More gets you more accurate results, but three will do it.

Name: First or last, both gets you more accuracy. This makes a real name the first danger should someone be attempting to keep their kink business separate and private from their vanilla life.

Location: State, though city gets you more accuracy. Ever wonder why so many people claim to be from Antarctica on kinky social media? Because a location is an easy piece of the triad to obtain.

Employment: Yes, this can even include receiving unemployment, as that is a matter of public record. Obviously a business name is more accurate, but even their field of work can provide you with a hit.

Once you enter these in, guess what? You’ll be presented with last names, facebook profiles, and other social media account possibilities. You may even get home address for some of the people who hit as possibles. At that point, you can just narrow it down and it’s a matter of time.

Try it on yourself, I’ll wait. I looked up my first name combined with two other words. That was a pretty sobering realization to come to, I assure you.

When you say that a first name can do no harm, you’re only right insofar as it isn’t helpful on its own, unless particularly uncommon. This is why most people use a scene name.

When someone entrusts you with their name, it isn’t an opportunity to share it with others. That’s the kind of behavior which is usually universally frowned upon in our local communities. When you release someone’s personal information, not only are you putting them in actual jeopardy (outing them to their employer, ex-spouse, stalkers, whoever), but you are violating their trust in you. Even if you have nothing to lose, it isn’t your place to decide that for someone else.

So if someone introduces themselves as Apple, or bunny, or even Santa, please show them the respect of addressing them as they have chosen while within our community space.

If you engage with them outside of that space, for example, at a grocery store, do them the courtesy of either choosing not to approach, or by simply acknowledging them without using a name. They may not have a ready explanation for why a stranger approached them calling them Apple. It is best to avoid putting people in those positions.

Because the first rule of Fight Club? Don’t talk about Fight Club.

About the Author

Because They Don’t Know What They Don’t Know

December 29, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

Is there some kind of step by step list for negotiating? came the text.

I rolled my eyes and sighed a bit. I’m not sure why some people think I’m sweetness and light, with answers like Google. I’m more an odd blend of snark and obedience, but more of the sass to those who don’t command the latter.

Of course, when it comes to answers, it’s important to me to either share the knowlege I have or point people to where it is. I see no shame in admitting when I don’t know something. It tends to give weight to my words when I do know and choose to speak them. Sometimes I keep them to myself unless I’m asked to do otherwise.

Which in this case, I clearly was, right?

I asked a few questions for clarification. On the tail of the responses came a statement. I have a feeling you’re about to warn me about a bunch of things. It’s like my friends know me.

The thing is, being new to kink can be both gloriously amazing and absolutely horrible. Sometimes all at once. Maybe you are one of the ones who knows exactly what they like because you’ve been masturbating to it for the last who-knows-how-many years before being brave enough to actually seek it. It’s more likely, though, that most beginners have ideas about what they’ll like and have to do a lot of trial and error to figure it out for sure.

There’s a reason I advocate taste test-type events. They are often a relatively low-pressure and low-risk opportunity to sort several activities into the yes and no columns at the same time.

So I reached out to a friend who does some classes and got an email full of resources. After passing the info on, I smiled. No doubt the recipient was taking their turn at eye-rolling, thinking me a worrywort. I had sent checklists and worksheets along with warnings about strike zones for impact play and a cautionary request about setting up a series of safe calls.

The thing is, I’ve been that new person, bubbling with excitement for kink, and I’ve been the one who was burned, with a lovely collection of triggers that have taken me time to overcome. I see the exciting things that are out there and know the dangers lurking on the horizon for the innocently unaware.

But I’ll continue to be the one who pops balloons and who warns friends that negotiating only does you any good if the other person honors it. I’ll continue to advise having more than one safe call set up – before, during and after, voice calls so a text can’t be faked, with an address to send police to if you don’t check in and don’t answer the phone at set times. I’ll do my best to get information to anyone who I know doesn’t have it and wants it. If I give them more than they needed to make decisions which protect their physical and emotional well-being, I’ll consider that a good day.

In their nievety they may not know what they don’t know.

But I do.

About the Author

Heavy Bottom Envy

December 15, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

I have seen bottoms who played harder than I imagine my own scenes, let alone my own capability for withstanding. I have seen a bottom outlast three sadists in a row before finally throwing in the towel with another. I have seen bottoms who could take impact at full strength from people who can only hit me at a 4 on a scale from one to ten.

I recall a rather inense scene with a bottom that I witnessed several years ago. I remember at the time being enraptured while I watched, so impressed by how hardcore this person was in my mind.

Recently I was casually discussing a list of things I find enjoyable that I didn’t necessarily expect to like when I tried them with someone who has less experience than I do. As I excitedly mentioned things like plastic wrap mummification and ramping up our impact play with weighted gloves to make the punching more intense, this person looked impressed. They murmured something about how hardcore I am, making a half-serious joke about how they’d like to be like me when they grow up.

The thing is, I’m still looking at those bottoms who have such high tolerance for the things I don’t do well as hard-core. Those are the people I admire and envy. It never occured to me that someone would look at me the same way I look at other people.

I didn’t start here, though. I remember the days when my list of limits was longer than my face, and certainly longer than the list of things I would participate in. I was so hesitant to try new things at first.

It was bad enough that I was breaking societal taboos by wanting to be restrained, but adding the shame of wanting to be hit was a struggle for me. Having been assaulted, I had even more reservations. Allowing that desire to be openly acknowledged was a huge step forward for me.

But I envied those with more experience, those who were more comfortable with their own desires, and those who could accept the level of pain my Daddy would have liked to give me. I didn’t see how much I’d grown simply by facing my fear of bucking societal standards. I saw myself as weak or somehow less, despite knowing that some people I’d met had more experience, yet accepted less impact than I would.

I envied them and I pushed myself to take more, be better. My partner wasn’t fooled, though. He watched my body and listened to it rather than my mouth. We discussed new things we wanted to try, and he slowly added them to our arsenal. I stopped to process with each new break from those standards. We played harder, adding punching, then weighted gloves, then whips to our tools. I had my eyes on the prize, that elusive search to take more pain, more physical damage, try even more unusual things. Not frenzy, but envy, as the process was long and slow. I didn’t stop to appreciate how far I’d come.

I am who I am. I play at the level my body can handle. To do otherwise courts disaster. I have worked my way up in experience to become the player I envied as I watched that “hardcore” scene, just as I have strangely become a person with that label for others.

That word has no real meaning in kink. I don’t participate in certain aspects, such as needles. I see the people who do as pretty hardcore. Funny enough, those same people may see my scene which included a flogging with a four-foot long buffalo hide flogger and ass punching with weighted gloves and think I’m the hardcore one. Rarely do we see ourselves that way.

We would do ourselves more favors to look to the scenes of others for inspiration rather than envy. Finding something we’d be interested in trying helps more than wishing we were someone else with a higher tolerance for whatever.

We’ll get there. Patience stands us in greater stead than its opposite.

Enhancing Holiday Calm

December 8, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

I stumbled across an advent calendar for submissives recently. Knowing this time of year can be hectic and full, I impulsively downloaded it, the small price one that seemed worth the reminder it will hopefully give me.

It seems that this time of year is one which encourages joy and love as well as the opposing feelings, pain and misery, often depending on the outlook of the person in question. We as a unit have struggled to maintain our normal level of D/s interaction and even our preferred play interludes for a variety of reasons over past Decembers together.

Our first year was busy with wedding preparations, such as the search for a venue and a cake maker while trying to keep those things secret. As Christmas approached we also had the added kink-blocker of family staying with us and demanding attention. Little pieces of our routine peeled away from the core as I had to be more proactive.

The following year saw family in town for a full month, leaving our weekends completely full and our weekdays still jammed with normal work demands. Throw in a fun holiday virus, and last year was more about soup and driving than submission and intimacy.

I hope to inspire some calm for this year. We have no family coming in, and though not having them will be a disappointment, it certainly leaves us more free to maintain our current levels of kink connection. Some of the family we normally have will be gone, visiting new family. Our Christmas will be a quiet one, just the two of us. Our anniversary will be a day for celebrating what we have overcome and the unknown ahead of us.

I haven’t spent much of this year being deliberate. I am often overwhelmed by moments of love and happiness even still. It is easy to wander into the path of least resistance, with learning and excellence the only real goals. It is my goal to focus on areas in which I struggled throughout the year during this holiday season, not as a resolution, but as a desire to continually grow, both in my submission and as a person in general.

In addition to taking the time to calmly evaluate how well I handled difficulty this past year, it is also my goal to identify areas in which I was successful at improving as well as areas which continue to challenge me.

In reflecting on my kink journey over the past year, or even the past few years, I feel more in touch with my local community. I’m really pleased about that. I’ve met some amazing people and built some great bonds. I’ve played with people I may or may not have opportunities to play with again, and I’ve learned and found personal growth from each of them. I’ve continued to grow in my surprising craft, working towards new skills while maintaining quality. I’ve built surprising friendships with people I have long admired. I’ve tried things with Daddy I wouldn’t have considered several years ago, and continue to learn and grow as my bravery does. I think taking the time to truly appreciate what we have is important for not allowing the people in our lives to feel taken for granted.

There are some less intellectual ways to help enhance the calm of the holidays, as well.

Set ground rules and stick to them. If you have time set aside for communication or intimacy or whatever, when that time comes, put away the other things and deliberately focus on partners. It can be easy to allow the busyness to eat that time, and negatively impact relationships. Take time to kneel or serve or any of the important submissive aspects you value.

Respect introversion and extroversion. Allow partners the space to recharge their batteries without judgment. That may mean having a partner slip away for a breather during major events, or that you accompany an extrovert to a holiday party without complaint as long as your batteries are also allowed to recharge.

Remember that preparation goes further than panic. If you’re hosting big holiday meals or parties, roast that turkey overnight to free up oven space. Prep wet ingredients and refridgerate them so all you have to do is bake things the day of. Make your mashed potatoes the day before and start them in the crockpot with a little milk fat in the morning to come to temperature. Utilize additional cooking methods, such as grilling and smoking to increase overall productivity.

As we walk towards this holiday and my partner and I towards our anniversary, eyes open and hands interlocked, these wonderful steps behind us, my goal is to stay focused on us and on our friends, family, and community through each day. I truly hope that taking some time to breathe calmly and reflect will help others as well.

Catching Lightning In A Jar

December 8, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

She crawled nude onto the table nervously, stretching out prone with her back facing upwards.

Shadows hid the man’s face from her as he unpacked what looked to be a leather medical bag. He withdrew bundles of leather held together with a thong, a strand of Christmas decoration, and some bits of dangling jewelry, setting them to the side as if they were implements in a surgical procedure.

She shifted nervously on the table. His experiments always left her a little breathless. She was one of the few girls who’d lasted a while. Most of them didn’t like that he was married and had no intention of committing. Some didn’t like the things he did to them.

At that thought, she was distracted by his next movements. She saw him slowly don black leather gloves and remove a glass jar from the bottom of the bag. Something beautiful and mesmerizing crackled within and her eyes widened. She felt her nude body begin to flush and moisture began to increase where her thighs hid her cunt.

He placed goggles over his eyes and instructed her to do the same. She felt her fear return, battling with the rising lust.

He liked it when she was a little afraid.

He removed one of his gloves and picked up the bundle of leather. Holding the wraped portion, he let the loose strands fall gently across her back.

“How is that? Do you like the texture?”

She hummed a positive response. He always demanded a scientific level of communication during these “experiments.” He wanted to know exactly how she felt about everything. He even demanded a written report afterwards.

He let the leather fall across her buttocks, a little harder this time, and when she responded positively, he began rhythmically hitting her, as if tenderizing meat. She got wetter and wetter as he continued.

His sudden stop left her feeling a little bereft. She rolled her head to the side and watched him replace the glove. In her state of bliss, she felt less afraid of that jar.

Grabbing it by the lid, he touched the jar to her ass. She felt a jolt and nearly jumped off of the table.

“Ah, ah, ah,” he chastened. “We’re hardly done here. You know if you can’t handle it anymore what to say.”

“Yes, Sir,” she responded. “I say almanac.”

She settled back in.

He touched the jar to her other ass cheek. She was less startled the second time and almost enjoyed the sharp buzz.

“Better?” He asked.

She nodded her affirmation. A leather glove siezed her by the base of her hair and lifted her head from the workbench. “Wench, I did not hear a response,” he growled in her ear.

She stammered an affirmative and clinically recited her physical response to the electricity, including her heightened arousal. There was more than one reason she’d lasted this long.

He nodded and released her. “Just so,” he said, taking a quick moment to jot down some notes.

He continued his light touches along her body with the her until she became comfortable. Stopping for a moment, he wound the tinsel from his line of tools around the bottom of the jar, attaching it by some method she couldn’t quite see.

He began at the buttocks again, lightly dragging the strands of tinsel across her.

She shot skyward, teeth clenched, as hot droplets of electricity caressed her quickly. “Pleasssse,” she hissed.

“What do you want, slut?” he responded. “This?” he asked, putting the jar on the insulated work bench and moving a hand to her spread legs.

Nudging her thighs apart with the rough leather of the glove, he ran a leather-clad finger down her wet slit.

“Oh, you are so ready for fucking, wench,” he observed. He glanced longingly at the bundled jewelry chains. “Perhaps those can wait until our next session,” he murmured.

Turning back to her, he doffed the gloves and unbuttoned his breeches, sinking hard cock suddenly into her wetness.

“Now scream for me,” he commanded.

“The electrical matter consists of particles extremely subtile, since it can permeate common matter, even the densest metals, with such ease and freedom as not to receive any perceptible resistance. If anyone should doubt whether the electrical matter passes through the substance of bodies, or only over along their surfaces, a shock from an electrified large glass jar, taken through his own body, will probably convince him. Electrical matter differs from common matter in this, that the parts of the latter mutually attract, those of the former mutually repel each other.” Benjamin Franklin

About the Author

Partner Questing: Addressing Concerns Isn’t Always a Call to Action

December 1, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

I talk a lot to people I have close relationships with, whether they be friends, romantic interests, or actual partners.

The thing is, sometimes I talk to them because there is an issue which requires action.

Example: Daddy, I’m feeling like I need attention. Would you mind putting down your tablet and just talking to me about nothing for a little while?

Obviously in this case, if He does nothing, there is potential for a problem later. I’m asking for a specific action and He has to respond with that action in order to satisfy that request. It’s like gaming. If an NPC asks me for a flower, he is not going to be satisfied with another item from my inventory. That quest will go unfilled. Unfortunately, unlike gaming, if an accepted quest is left pending for too long with a partner, it can lead to Game Over. (Hint: you hit autoaccept on future happiness quests when you established the relationship, so no getting around it there.)

Fortunately the converse is also true. If He completes the quest parameters, the continued happiness meter goes up, which can be used to counteract later happiness degeneration if a quest is too difficult to complete.

The thing is, sometimes I talk to my people about issues which require no action on their part.

Example: Daddy, I had some feelings. When you said you loved her, it gave me some pangs. I spent some time reflecting, and it isn’t an issue, I just needed to work through it and wanted to let you know, because I believe in complete honesty.

The script? In my head it was Hey, I had / have an issue, Imma or I have already worked through this, please reassure me that all is well and no action is required on your part.

But what happens when we confuse the two?

What if a call for action isn’t as clear and goes unheeded?

Example: Daddy, I need you.

Verbal Response: “Awww, I need you, too, baby.”

Well, that wasn’t what I asked for. I didn’t specifically state what I wanted Him to do in order to complete the quest. The end result was that I presented a quest and was not satisfied. Resentment can begin making a home inside a person whose quest goes unfulfilled.

The other way around can be just as devastating.

Example: Hey there, my sexy Overthinker. I haven’t gotten as much attention from you lately as usual. I know your work schedule just changed. As long as everything is still good between us, I will adjust my expectations to match the new parameters of our relationship, with no action required on your part. This is my issue and I will adjust.

In response, my partner gets anxious that I have presented an ultimatum. The alternatives become continuing to keep all of their life plates spinning in the air, or to drop them all and have life come crashing in.

I become a liability, and they become distant, until the relationship finally dies a quiet death of asphyxiation. One of us feels like a failure who could never have met such unreasonable demands, the other feels neglected, abandoned, and unloved.

This is why I will always encourage people to speak their truths as clearly as possible, as well as for people to hear what their partners are requesting. The consequence of confusing the messages is really just pain.

Also, no one likes to leave old quests just hanging about in their quest log. For goodness sake, just press the Abandon Quest button already and get on with it.

About the Author

Swink?

November 23, 2019 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

As someone who has always heavily landed in the BDSM camp, I’ve eyed swingers with some dubious hesitation for a long time.

My first experience was at a long-closed swingers club I went to not knowing what it was. I had some couple try to pick me up, but I wasn’t particularly open-minded about my bisexuality back then, and I politely danced my way through the evening solo. I didn’t go back.

I honestly didn’t think of swingers as being kinky (I have since revised my personal definition to include most non-vanilla stuff), just like I didn’t see poly as a variant of kink.

For me, those things all fall into a big group in my mind that I label non-monagmy. Non-monogamous could include BDSM, but doesn’t have to. A square is a rectangle, but a rectangle isn’t necessarily a square, right?

But swinging is just one of those things that is outside of my risk profile, which means I haven’t explored it, even though I don’t have any negative feelings about the people who participate.

Then I saw postings for “Swink” events.

Well, first I had to look up the word swink. I mean, thanks Google. I felt a little dumb when I realized it was a smash of the words swinging and kink. Okay. But swinging is still not a me-thing. Some of the larger conference-type events look interesting, but there are some big reasons I still won’t attend.

1. Gender-Based Pricing.

There are so many people in my local community who have such eloquent words for why we shouldn’t support this across the board, I feel I may not do it justice. Does paying a higher entry fee stop an asshole single male from being an asshole? Not likely. Someone paying more encourages a feeling of entitlement to touch things that don’t belong to them. Some of the huge pricing gaps are as wide as $100 for a single male and free for women. Females become the commodity for sale.

I haven’t even started in on how that discourages non-binary individuals or those who are transgender. It certainly doesn’t promote equality and civility. Therefore, I choose to attend events with one price point for anyone who attends. While the majority of BDSM events in my local community have one price point for all attendees, those who come from a swinging background seem to keep trying to make gender- and relationship-based pricing models a thing when it doesn’t have to be.

2. Vetting.

Different sections of our community seem to have different ideas of vetting.

For some groups, they require you to attend a set number of public meetings, parties where you’ve been sponsored, or munches before you become a member or are invited to private events. Others only require sponsorship. Both of those generally require a real name at some point (verified by legal identification) and, one would presume, a background check, so none of us are unknowingly partying with serial rapists or whatnot.

Some of that is about privacy, some is about safety, some is just to avoid the fucking lookie-loos who inevitably turn up with drink in hand to gaze in rapt wonder at the kinky peeps when they aren’t filtered out.

Very few groups actually post event locations, allowing anyone who wants to attend to purchase tickets. Those particular events make me uncomfortable. One I attended recently made me feel as though I was on display, the weirdo with floggers and a locking collar. Other than having a collar on I was hardly flying my kink flag proudly, yet some of of the people attending wouldn’t make eye contact with me, deliberately turned their backs to me uncomfortably, and generally made me feel awkward and freakish. I prefer to practice my kink in places where I am not a spectacle for it.

3. Body fluids are an issue for us personally.

I’ve talked about immunosuppression before. Basically, the gist is that if there are going to be more body fluids outside of body than at an average restaurant, it makes our risk higher of all kinds of problematic stuff. Yes, this means we don’t go to bloodplay events either. This won’t be as big of an issue for most people as it is for us.

4. General other stuff.

I have other, smaller, general issues, like the awkwardness of having power exchange misunderstood, the struggle with finding instructors who have positive reputations within the larger kink community, and the general issue of trying to mix what could be considered non-monogamous sex play with “sex n’kink light” and attempting to stir in a bit of hardcore kink. Perhaps those things will mix beautifully. Perhaps they will attempt to mix and eventually separate into layers of different density.

In theory, it seems like a great idea. Let’s get all of the alternative sexual communities to band together and support one another. Unfortunately, sometimes it seems like we can’t even band together separately long enough to add in more moving parts together.

Perhaps it will take all of us making a concerted effort to be more inclusive to bring these communities together, or perhaps they will continue to have small separations between them. Hopefully, we can be supportive of all those who fall under the alternative sexuality umbrella even if we do not share their proclivities.

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