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What is a Play Partner?

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The BDSM community has many labels to choose from. Some are used to describe one’s sexual orientation, some for gender identity, D/s role, etc. One of these labels that is used to describe a certain type of relationship is “play partner”. But what does this mean exactly?

Yes, there is the simple answer. A play partner is someone you play with. Ok good. We’ve established it’s someone you play with. Let’s move on from there shall we?

If you are in a D/s dynamic with someone it is usually assumed that you are play partners within that relationship. However, this is not to say that all people in dynamics play. You can be both, however, for some it can be one or the other.

Let’s talk about those that are only play partners, without more of a D/s relationship between them. Are you play partners with everyone you happen to play with? Not in my opinion. I certainly wouldn’t list them on my profile that way just because we happened to do a “pick up scene” last weekend. Can you imagine some people’s wall if they did this!! Lol
So what takes someone from the level of “friend” to “play partner”?

In my opinion an official play partner is someone that you play with regularly and consistently. Someone who is also not “more than” a play partner. Because, like I mentioned, for most people if you are more than just play partners then the play partner status is usually assumed.

One thing you cannot assume, however, is that someone is physically intimate with a play partner. As I’ve discussed in previous articles, play does not always mean sexual acts are involved. Can you be play partners and lovers? Absolutely. Yet both can be independent of the other as well.

So why be “just” play partners? I keep putting quotations around “just” for a very good reason. I never want to come across as trivializing a play partner relationship. Taking everything else out – no sex, no D/s (except for perhaps role play during scenes). You have a friend and someone that you trust to play with. To explore your deep dark fetishes, to try new things with, to push the limits of pain and pleasure. This is priceless whether you are the Top or the bottom. People will usually think of how great this relationship is when it comes to the bottom, however, there are very similar benefits for the Top. The Top has a partner to try new things with and explore new skills with (hopefully with supervision if needed), and someone to help push their limits as a Top.

As with any other label, only make this one official if the other person agrees. Everyone’s definition is different and they may not feel comfortable making this relationship public. It is a relationship that deserves respect and care. So if you have a play partner consider yourself lucky – whether it’s within another dynamic or not!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

A Third Leg

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leg

No, this article is not about giant members. lol

So I was watching talk shows the other day. Well, I use the term “watching” loosely. More like glancing up at the TV occasionally while they were running in the background as I helped my kids with homework. Anyway, on one of the talk shows a co-host was mentioning something about how people have been saying that couples last longer if they have a “third leg”. She went on to describe what this meant. Basically she was referring to things like having kids, shared TV shows (and being able to watch them together thanks to streaming networks), a common hobby, etc. Something they can focus their attention on as a couple that is outside of themselves.

The reason for the “third leg” being helpful in keeping couples together and interested in one another is that it gives them something to talk about and connect over. It’s amazing how much people will thank streaming networks for saving their marriage! Especially since it used to be that if a couple only had kids to connect over they were at a loss once the kids moved out. Now with external entertainment at our fingertips we have much more to interact about for an infinite amount of time.

This got me thinking however, about those of us into kink and/or polyamory.

We have those same things to connect over, TV shows, maybe kids for those in the scene that share children, perhaps common vanilla hobbies as well. However, in addition we share kink. For some it is like another hobby we enjoy together, for others it’s our lifestyle. Either way it’s something else we share with our partner(s) and look forward to. If we play then we look forward to that – maybe planning scenes or deciding which parties to attend. If we are involved in a power exchange relationship then we may spend time together communicating about rules, protocol, etc.

When it comes to poly it’s an entirely new level. If there are other partners then (similar to kids) you have another (or other) actual people to connect over, communicate about, plan things with, and talk to. With or without other partners you may still be communicating about how poly will work for you. Discussing finding a new partner or partners. Perhaps you go out together to meet potential play partners, lovers, and/or life mates. There are those that have other partners and are also looking for additional partners. I don’t know where they find the time, but that’s just me! Also unlike kids, additional partners don’t necessarily fall under the same developmental timeline of growing up and moving out or away from you. This doesn’t mean that poly relationships don’t end, however, you are then able to continue opening up to others in the attempt to find and unite with new people. You can’t just go out and try to find new kids to replace the ones that left for college!

The point of all this is that if you’re involved in kink, poly relationships, or both – you have opened up a whole new world of “third leg” possibilities to connect over. This not only keeps life interesting, but our relationships as well.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.