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This week in kink: August 3, 2020

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The COVID-19 pandemic has affected everyone – especially the ways we connect, date, plan things, and meet new folks.

If you’re poly/in an open relationship I am sure you have felt a big impact since Covid-19 arrived.

This article in the South Seattle Emerald spotlights several people in non-monogamous relationships, and how their multiple relationship have been impacted amid the pandemic.

Navigating Consensual Non-Monogamy During COVID-19

This article in The Observer of Uganda speculates about the presence of BDSM in Africa. And, based on the content, is little more than an uninformed rant about BDSM by someone clueless about what BDSM actually is.

“I am tempted to ‘diagnose’ a couple in my neighbourhood as BDSM enthusiasts, because the surrounding community knows when they have sex. It always starts with a huge fight in the dead of night, which has the village dogs barking in agitation”

This quote from The Observer of Uganda tells us a lot about how woefully off-the-mark and dangerous it can be when those who know nothing of actual BDSM attempt to shape public opinion about it.

I have no doubt that domestic violence is a problem in Uganda, as it is in many other countries. But let’s please stop trying to link that to consensual BDSM, which is the polar opposite of abuse.

Check it out if you want to have a head shake, a sad laugh, or just to remember that outside the bubble of sex-positive people, there are still many out there that do not understand that there is a clear difference between abuse and BDSM.

UK sex party company Killing Kittens has received investment from the UK government through the Future Fund – a program to help companies that have been affected by Coronavirus.

The company apparently plans to use the funds towards expanding its online offerings, including a BDSM and sex-oriented social network. Watch out Fetlife?

Check out the article on CNN business.

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

When Something is Broken, Adding More Moving Parts Isn’t Going to Fix It

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I’ve seen a lot of people make bad decisions in the name of relationship preservation.

A baby

A pet

A marriage

A monogamous partner agreeing to open a relationship

Those first three seem pretty logical.  A relationship with problems isn’t going to improve by adding the stressors of a new pet or an infant and sleepless nights leading to shorter tempers.  While I have never personally tried procreation as method of holding onto someone else, having children certainly hasn’t stopped anyone from having terrible relationships, they just tend to hold people in bad situations for longer than they should have.  This seems to be a general human problem, as I’ve seen its unfortunate side effects in both kinky and vanilla partnerships.

The one I really want to talk about, though, is opening up a relationship.

It seems to be a common misconception that if monogamy isn’t working, attempting an open relationship or some other form of polyamory is a potential solution.

Stop.

Seriously, stop it right there.

Have you ever seen a repairman work on a car or washing machine or a.c. unit?  

Generally, when a part breaks, they suggest replacing it or repairing it.

I have never once heard one suggest rerouting the system and adding some new pieces to get around the broken one.  Not ever.

Oddly enough, I have often heard people suggest opening a relationship to fix the problems, instead of just repairing the broken pieces.

However we each may choose to fashion our polyamory within our own groupings, there are one or two things most can agree must be part of it.  Above all, I would argue that the million dollar word is communication, followed closely by trust. Generally speaking, failing relationships often lack either one or both of those important elements.

Furthermore, if the relationship is deteriorating, what is the motivation for attempting a last ditch save?  Is it a matter of how much time has been expended in pursuit of happiness with this person already or shared possessions or finances?  Better to walk away while those conversations can happen in a more positive manner.

Now, I certainly don’t want to be judgy.  There is one situation in which the act of opening up a relationship which had been monogamous may help, but only if the issue is that one or both partners is polyamorous and monogamy has become the problem.  Even then, this is going to require a lot of communication and reassurance if you plan to move forward with a mono / poly situation. There are, however, support groups for monogamous people with polyamorous partners, both on Fetlife and Facebook, who genuinely desire to help each other find peace with what can be a challenging pairing.

Don’t forget the communication.

It’s the rest of you I’m talking to.  It’s the ones who made it until the kids left home and discovered you no longer know your partner and aren’t sure you like what you see.  It’s the ones who have a serial cheater and think an open relationship will stop the cheating. It’s for the ones who have had a steadily declining sex life who think adding other sexual partners may be the solution.

Okay, well, for that last one, it may actually be the solution- if it is solely a case of vastly different sex drives.  However, if the diminishing frequency of sex is indicative of problems other than unequal drives, the likelihood of an open relationship being the solution to the problem is low.

Where was I?  Oh, yes. Serial cheaters and general incompatibilities.

To preface this, I am not a psychologist. With that being said, my reading and personal experience has indicated that serial cheating can possibly be the manifestation of someone struggling to come to grips with being non-monogamous.  For others, it can be akin to a fetish because there is nothing quite like that thrill of sneaking around and having something forbidden.

Either way, opening a relationship with this person will lack trust.  Best case scenario, the serial cheater becomes happily polyamorous and has all of the variety and companionship their heart desires.  The partner who stayed with them, however, will still have some serious problems trusting them. Sure, now they are seeing other people openly, but what other rules might that person be breaking?  Trust, once broken, is the hardest thing to regain.

For the serial cheater who gets off on the thrill of it, well, they will just find new ways to get that thrill.  Maybe, it will be bringing a lover home to cavort in a shared bed. Maybe, it will be unprotected sex, or something that puts everyone at risk.  It could just be something minor like taking dates to the restaurant only you two go to. That person will find their thrill somehow.

I would argue that there is one more big reason serial cheaters do what they do.  I believe some people lack self-awareness. They understand they aren’t happy with a partner, but lack the capacity to express it or even understand why.  Perhaps they’ve been together a long time and it seems as if they should be happy. These cheaters aren’t going to change their ways when a relationship opens up.  They still subconsciously want out and will find a way to sabotage things the same way they’ve been trying to do all along. They only question is how they finally succeed.

When it comes to attempting to fix general dissatisfaction or incompatibility with a partner, adding more partners isn’t going to change those things.  If this is a relationship you both believe is worth saving, see a counselor or do some serious work and make it a priority. These things didn’t get that way overnight, and they aren’t going to be fixed that way, either.  

For the rest of you who want to open your relationship because you want to have new experiences, or you have so much love to give one person can’t contain it all, or for those who just cannot comprehend monogamy because you feel we are not biologically programmed for it, or because you just don’t want to settle down, I hope you find the happiness that is possible for any type of relationship you desire.

This can happen with two things, of course.

Trust.

Communication.

Because I will always advocate for prioritizing those things in any relationship.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

My Poly Looks Like A Triad

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Photo by slave boy julia (sjstudio1.com)

While every relationship structure I’ve had has grown organically, I can comfortably say that my poly looks like a triad.  I generally feel pretty fulfilled in the male department with one partner. I find I have difficulty splitting my focus effectively and prioritizing too many relationships, so adding another female is about my maximum in attention.

A triad structure can have many of the aspects of polyamorous relationships.  More than two people are emotionally involved. Sometimes two of the trio will be legally married, sometimes pair bonded in another way.  Depending on how individuals agree to form their unit, all parties could potentially be romantic with one another. The single partner in the relationship may want the opportunity to establish a primary partner of their own or may be content solely being an equal partner in the triad.

There will always be a variety of viewpoints on the best way to structure a polyamorous relationship.  Everyone has to find what works for them, and these views are excellent resources for ways to start identifying issues, which will need to be addressed.

The more you read and understand the relationship choices others have made, the less you have to rely on personal trial and error to address some of these issues up front, and the more you can start to identify what will work for your particular situation.

There can often be a bit of a stigma surrounding couples seeking thirds- that it is the man driving the bus with nothing but a desire for additional sexual partners.  Many assume he is keeping his cake and eating it too. I dislike having to reassure people that I am just as interested in another partner, and that we have no intention of hiding her away during holidays like a dirty secret.

I personally feel there is something special about the relationship between two women.  I love having a woman who is closer than a best friend, who I can tell all my dirty secrets to with no judgment, who will shop with me, bake cookies with me, and will generally be part of my life.

That’s how I envision my poly.  Weekly house meetings, chore assignments, holiday planning, baking for group gifts, sharing family recipes and traditions, watching Scrooged and the Grinch at Christmas. In short, just a big, loving group of people who have chosen to intertwine their lives.

Please keep in mind that hierarchical polyamory can often be hurtful to additional partners. The real question seems to be: How can we structure things to avoid some of those pitfalls?

For those who want a triad: Outside of partners needing to agree on the person they include in their relationship, I believe the individuals need to avoid segmenting pieces of their lives.  Other than simply not repeating pet names, I think it’s more beneficial to avoid limiting relationship possibilities.

Depending on the person, that arrangement might not work.  Some people want more or less space, or have specific needs which need to be filled in order to feel loved. What works for us, may not work for you. I am merely sharing my opinions and experiences.

It is important to remember that every group of individuals should negotiate their relationship structures to meet their needs.  The more people you invite to a party, the more planning you should probably do.

How will time be balanced between partners to avoid having anyone feel secondary however they may be identified by a partner?

How will you present to friends and family, and how will holidays be handled?

In my opinion, no matter how long two of the triad may have been together, it is important that the third be treated as an equal partner during the negotiation process. All parties should make expectations clear during the negotiating process and continue to communicate for the entire duration of the relationship.

As BDSM practitioners, we add additional complexities to our relationships.   A poly triad can have a one Dom(me), two submissive structure, but that isn’t a necessity.  It could just as easily contain a Dominant, a submissive, and a switch. Although I am not entirely sure how this would work, there could also be a Dominant, Co-Dominant, and submissive. The possibilities are endless as long as everything is consented to by all people involved.

I have both been the addition to an existing couple as well as the female portion of a couple adding another female.  Each have held challenges. As part of the couple, we encouraged our third to seek additional relationships as she desired, and she presented as our roommate.  It truly was a blended family, and a very happy one for many years. Still, even when you do a good job of communicating expectations up front (we didn’t), you can still have communication issues later.

It can be the things you don’t think of.  We talked about relationships, and forgot to worry about sharing chores.  Sex was discussed, but not division of bills (this topic was important since we all lived together).

There are definitely times I agree with Sheldon.  Drawing up agreements, whether you consider them to be contracts or just laying down expectations, can be the glue that binds relationships together no matter how they are structured.

I know advising communication is probably the most often repeated mantra in the Kink Community, but only because it really is essential.  You can’t trust someone who doesn’t share their feelings productively. When this occurs, eventually the relationship will fail.

About the Author

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Is Long-Term Poly Possible?

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I have already written some articles on kinkweekly.com on polyamory. Still, I get quizzed on poly triads more than on any other BDSM topic. Perhaps it is the fantasy. The Dom/me having two slaves to serve him/her is ultra hot. But I am talking about more than just a casual threesome which happens as much in the vanilla world as around here. I am examining long-term poly relationships and the big question, “Is long-term poly really possible?”

In my opinion, in the short term, the answer is definitely yes. The excitement of a new poly relationship is much like the “honeymoon” period of any liaison. And it works for a while. As to long-term polyamory, that is a bit more problematical. BDSM relationships between two people are notoriously short-lived. When you add a third human being into the D/s mix, you are just complexifying (my word!) an already hard-to-maintain relationship. I am living testament to this sad truth; I personally have gone oh-for-two in long-term triads. (Of course there are many long-lived, wonderful poly relationships. But these are the exceptions, not the rule.)

So why is polyamory so difficult? In the typical poly relationship with an alpha and a beta slave, someone is voluntarily accepting being lower on the totem pole. The concept of “I live for my Master/Mistress and will serve him/her as the “beta slave” works fine in theory – or online! But this is a hard mental space to maintain in real time. Most people, in any type of relationship from fetish to vanilla, like to be ‘numero uno’ with respect to their significant other. And the alpha, although first in the pecking order, still must learn to share the Master/Mistress. For both submissives, this is easier said than done.

Unlearning ego, jealousy and possessiveness, which both the beta and the alpha slave must do, is extremely difficult. But although it is difficult, it is not impossible. In order to override these natural needs, both slaves must ultimately embrace — whether through training or other means — their respective statuses.

I might add that in the poly world the most popular arrangement seems to be an alpha-beta hierarchy for the submissives. But there are other polyamory systems. The alpha-alpha structure of two equal slaves is another way of setting up poly. As I had stated in a previous article, I believe that an “alpha-alpha” system might be easier to maintain for the Dominant. If the Dom/me can divide his/her attentions somewhat evenly, resentment can be eliminated as a divisive issue. After all, there is no “beta slave” who, by definition, gets less attention. I think this is less adversarial to human nature than alpha-beta and likely easier to maintain in the long run. But this is just a guess. We are dealing with human relationships here, not science. And many other systems keep popping up as people experiment in ways to make poly work.

As much as I love poly, I truly believe it is antithetical to basic human nature. It requires work to overcome this hurdle. A lot of work. If a Master/Mistress has accomplished the formidable task of finding/training two slaves who are totally happy serving, I believe it is less about the system/hierarchy than about the basic compatibility of the three people. I think this is the key. You can talk about alpha/beta or an alpha/alpha type arrangements until you are blue in the face. Ultimately, my two failed attempts at long-term poly were unsuccessful because the people involved weren’t comfortable with each other over time. And that is the key.

Getting two people to be intimate over a long period is tough enough. (Just look at the divorce rates.) So imagine the odds of three people getting on in a demanding D/s arrangement. “Is long-term poly possible?” The answer is “yes,” – but it might take a while before three ultra-compatible lifestylers are found.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Two Dom or Not Two Dom

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poly hands

That is the question. How the heck can having two Doms in your life work? (For purposes of this article I am using “Dom” as reference to a D-type regardless of gender identity.) We are all used to seeing the Dom with more than one sub. Minus the complications and issues that sometimes come along with the poly aspect of that situation, the “one Dom, two subs” (or more) makes sense to us. It’s a structure with one leader, one person calling the shots. So how can it work to have two leaders in control of one mutual partner? Here we are back to that good ol’ thing we call communication. Plus a good dose of negotiation and a dash of compromise.

Let’s start with a few less even situations. One sub has two Doms, but is married, cohabiting and/or maybe has children with one of them. Typically in this type of situation the other Dom would yield authority when it interferes with domestic or family situations. Perhaps one is a Monday thru Friday Dom and the other is a weekend Dom – for example, they negotiate power exchange for parties plus perhaps they are allowed a certain number of tasks to be given throughout the week. Maybe one Dom is only interested in domestic service and so they have certain days that the sub spends time doing those domestic services for them – cleaning, errands, etc.

It can become a bit more difficult when there isn’t a more clear distinction between the two Doms like in the above examples. So consider it a situation similar to a poly situation where the sub has two people they are involved with. Except now – add the power exchange. In my opinion it can become very confusing very quickly if clear boundaries and expectations aren’t discussed from the start. One simple way to look at it is similar to how poly couples divide their time. Figure out days that work for the sub to be with each Dom and each Dom respects the other Dom’s time with the sub. Perhaps a rare, yet not impossible, situation is when you have more of a triad dynamic with two Doms. The two Doms working together within the power exchange. Perhaps they all play together, have a physical relationship that includes all three, and the two Doms assign tasks and lead the sub as a joint force. How much, of course, depends on how much of a power exchange has been negotiated.

I’ve given you a handful of possibilities as far as how to go about the “two doms, one sub” relationship. Not that this will be shocking to most people – but there are probably one hundred more variations of how this might work for people. The key is for everyone to be on board and be willing to talk and figure out what works best for all involved. It also helps for the Doms to not get too caught up with issues of ego or pride. A good healthy relationship between the Doms (even if it’s not a triad) does not hurt in these cases. So, no, it’s not impossible to have more than one Dom. Just like with anything else it simply takes a bit more energy and a willingness to embrace the possibility!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

A Third Leg

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leg

No, this article is not about giant members. lol

So I was watching talk shows the other day. Well, I use the term “watching” loosely. More like glancing up at the TV occasionally while they were running in the background as I helped my kids with homework. Anyway, on one of the talk shows a co-host was mentioning something about how people have been saying that couples last longer if they have a “third leg”. She went on to describe what this meant. Basically she was referring to things like having kids, shared TV shows (and being able to watch them together thanks to streaming networks), a common hobby, etc. Something they can focus their attention on as a couple that is outside of themselves.

The reason for the “third leg” being helpful in keeping couples together and interested in one another is that it gives them something to talk about and connect over. It’s amazing how much people will thank streaming networks for saving their marriage! Especially since it used to be that if a couple only had kids to connect over they were at a loss once the kids moved out. Now with external entertainment at our fingertips we have much more to interact about for an infinite amount of time.

This got me thinking however, about those of us into kink and/or polyamory.

We have those same things to connect over, TV shows, maybe kids for those in the scene that share children, perhaps common vanilla hobbies as well. However, in addition we share kink. For some it is like another hobby we enjoy together, for others it’s our lifestyle. Either way it’s something else we share with our partner(s) and look forward to. If we play then we look forward to that – maybe planning scenes or deciding which parties to attend. If we are involved in a power exchange relationship then we may spend time together communicating about rules, protocol, etc.

When it comes to poly it’s an entirely new level. If there are other partners then (similar to kids) you have another (or other) actual people to connect over, communicate about, plan things with, and talk to. With or without other partners you may still be communicating about how poly will work for you. Discussing finding a new partner or partners. Perhaps you go out together to meet potential play partners, lovers, and/or life mates. There are those that have other partners and are also looking for additional partners. I don’t know where they find the time, but that’s just me! Also unlike kids, additional partners don’t necessarily fall under the same developmental timeline of growing up and moving out or away from you. This doesn’t mean that poly relationships don’t end, however, you are then able to continue opening up to others in the attempt to find and unite with new people. You can’t just go out and try to find new kids to replace the ones that left for college!

The point of all this is that if you’re involved in kink, poly relationships, or both – you have opened up a whole new world of “third leg” possibilities to connect over. This not only keeps life interesting, but our relationships as well.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Common Mistakes in Poly Relationships

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poly hands

Jenn Masri here. This is not my original writing. We’ve posted part of the article here and it can be read in full at the blog More Than Two.

This is a long article, however, if you are in a poly dynamic or thinking about entering one, this hits on many important points. I like it because it is written for those who are approaching poly from a well-intentioned and compassionate place, yet mistakes and hazards can still happen. Enjoy!- Jenn
_________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Article by Franklin Veaux

With grateful acknowledgement to Suzie, for her insight and contributions

There is an excellent guide to screwing up poly relationships on the alt.polyamory site, which describes in some detail the petty, mean-spirited, malicious things that you can do to help ensure that your relationship fails in the most dramatic, painful way possible.

This is not that page.

This page is designed to describe some of the mistakes you can make in a non-monogamous relationship even if you are compassionate, honest, and well-intentioned. Sometimes, building a stable, happy, non-monogamous relationship is not intuitive, and there are mistakes that can be made along the road no matter how well-intentioned you may be. Ideally, you should seek to learn from other people’s mistakes rather than your own; it’s a lot less trouble.

Don’t make assumptions about your partner or your relationship; talk about everything

There are people in the world who don’t like talking about relationship stuff, or who see it as an onerous chore. The problem with that is you can easily end up in a situation where you think something’s okay with your partner, or that you’re at some place in your relationship with your partner, or that you’re in a type of relationship that allows some things or doesn’t allow others, and your partner has a completely different idea. Finding that out by talking about it is a lot less dramatic than finding it out by crossing a line you didn’t even know existed. Be clear up front about what your partner expects from you (and about what you expect from your partner), and you’ll be a lot happier, trust me.

Don’t ignore the consequences of your actions—even the unintended consequences

The law of unintended consequence is as universal and as inescapable as the law of gravity, and is certainly more than capable of screwing up your romantic relationship beyond all recognition.

Put simply, your decisions and your actions have consequences for both your partners and your relationships, and you bear responsibility for these consequences—even if you feel that your decisions were appropriate and justified, even if you feel that your actions were expressly permitted by the rules of your relationship.

The most common example of unintended consequence can be found in relationships that have “veto” rules permitting one partner to veto another partner’s romantic relationships. Most of the time, veto is a negotiated and mutually agreed-upon rule; the people in a relationship that includes a veto power explicitly give that veto power to their partner.
Yet if your partner falls in love with someone, and you then veto that relationship, you are almost certain to hurt your partner. It does not matter if your partner explicitly agreed to that veto power and explicitly consented to give you that power; when a person loses a romantic relationship, it hurts. That’s the way human beings work. When you hurt your partner, that can and likely will affect your relationship with your partner, even if your partner explicitly gave you that power. Now, I’m not saying you should never exercise a veto; but I am saying that when you make a decision affecting your partner, seek to understand how it affects your partner, and take responsibility for that. Say “Yes, I know this hurts you, and I’m sorry.” Acknowledge that your decisions may affect your relationship with your partner, and take responsibility for those effects, even if they were unintended.

This is probably the single most crucial factor to the success of any relationship. Everything you do—whether it’s inviting your partner to some function but not inviting your partner’s partners, or seeking to exclude your partner’s other partners from things that are important to you, or even something as simple as not acknowledging the value your partner sees in his or her other relationships—will affect your relationship with your partner, sometimes in subtle ways and sometimes in ways that are more obvious. Be aware of the consequences of your decisions as well as your reasons for making them.

Don’t try to micromanage your feelings, or those of your partners

One of the more common problems in a polyamorous relationship arises when one of the people involved, in an effort to feel less threatened or more secure, seeks to control the extent to which his or her partner becomes emotionally involved with another partner. People often feel threatened by emotional intimacy—sometimes, more threatened than by physical intimacy. But trying to micromanage emotions isn’t the way to solve that problem.
Emotions are resistant to being managed that way; it’s virtually impossible to pass a “rule” that says “you may be physically intimate with another person, but you may not be emotionally intimate past this point” and have it stick. It’s not always possible to predict what relationships will become emotionally intimate, or how they’ll become emotionally intimate; attempting to manage insecurity or fear by micromanaging emotional connections is virtually certain to fail. In fact, sometimes, attempts to micromanage emotional intimacy lead to the next problem, which is:

Continue reading here.