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Magnification

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“Magnification.” Now, what do I mean by that? It is not a term you will find in any Kink Weekly article. At least I don’t think so. Truth be told, it is not a BDSM term at all. But, it can add a lot to your BDSM play. Let me explain.

What I imply by “magnification” is the process whereby a Dominant or submissive, by the use of selected pre-scene sequences, is able to amplify subsequent play experiences. The key is for the Dom/me to recognize – or the submissive to discuss – what specific actions increase sensitivity and receptivity. Let’s examine the “magnifying effects” of specific pre-scene techniques.

One magnifying sequence is the greeting ritual, where the submissive kneels and kisses the Dominant’s feet or boots. A similar one is the slave bowing his/her head. These rites can have the effect of both putting the sub into a more submissive state and energizing the Dominant. Thus, these formalities can “magnify” your play. It is easy to neglect incorporating pre-scene rituals into your scenes. But a knowledgeable Dom/me – or an experienced submissive – will jump at the opportunity to include any pre-scene concept, no matter how simple, that would make their play more enjoyable.

Another magnifier is BDSM equipment. Even though one can flog an unrestrained submissive just as hard on a bed, an equivalent beating can be a lot more effective when coupled with some bondage equipment. The apparatus doesn’t have to be sophisticated. I have known submissives whose “sub button” is pushed when nothing more than cuffs are put on their wrists. Others get into “pre-subspace” when they are restrained. You don’t have to own a St. Andrews Cross to magnify your scene; homemade wall hooks can be just as effective. Or just tie the bottom to the bedposts!

Being in a dungeon, or at a play party, can also be a great magnifier. I know a couple that is not into public play. But, according to the Dom, just watching others play puts his sub into an ultra-receptive mindset. When they get home, he is able to put her into subspace effortlessly. Any magnifier, whether it is participatory or voyeuristic, is worth including in your scenes. Of course, one of the most common “magnifiers” is dress. Whether latex, vinyl, boots, high heels or leather, the right outfit, as every Domme knows, can multiply the efficacy of their commands.

If you are not in a live-in situation, some BDSM texting before you go to the dungeon can make both of you hot with anticipation – thus magnifying the scene exponentially.

The key to finding the right “scene magnifier” is communication. In vanilla, we have to guess whether the oysters will put her/him “in the mood.” In BDSM, however, we can discuss what will make the scene more exciting before we attempt it. A pre-scene talk should include a chat about these magnifiers. You might discover that something as basic as a blindfold, a pair of handcuffs or a leather play collar can be just what the submissive needs to feel ultra-submissive – or put the Dominant into “Dom/me space.” Of course, trial-and-error also works. But, in this lifestyle, trial-and-error can be a lot of fun!

The bottom line, after you discover what pre-scene techniques amplify your play, is to incorporate them into your scenes. So, if you can double your fun with the same amount of effort, why not? After all, the object of BDSM is to have fun – so why not double it!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Live-In Slave

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When we first enter our lifestyle, we often are swept away by the allure of an ideal world of Masters and slaves living in perfect synergy. The Master is in firm control; the slave willingly obeys every command. It works great online. It is awesome every other weekend. It is mind-boggling at the dungeon party. But, the idealized concept of a live-in Master/slave relationship is quite different than reality, whether you are a newbie or an experienced lifestyler.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that there are both advantages and disadvantages in a live-in D/s union. I will attempt to identify the most critical areas in the live-in relationship, giving you both the pros and the cons of each as I see it.

• Trust. It is much easier to establish trust in the live-in situation because there is little left to the imagination. When you are with someone much of your non-job time, you can truly get a deep understanding of that person’s basic character. Since trust is such a critical area in a D/s relationship, the live-in relationship builds trust in a very deep way. Of course, it also can highlight any negative trust issues since little can be hidden from each other.

• Forget myths. This is real life, not social media. I never believed that the “myth of Dominant infallibility” had any relevance to a real life relationship of any kind. But, once you live together, there is no way to hide your warts and human faults. As a Dominant, don’t try to live up to some artificially perfect standard that you think your slave expects. As a submissive, don’t beat yourself up when you are less than faultless.

• Maintaining play levels. It is much easier to maintain an exciting level of play when you are together for brief periods of time. Here the live-in arrangement can easily erode play – even taking it for granted. One must keep your all aspects of play – including protocols and rituals — fresh and timely. After all, it is said that all relationships require work. Here the effort of maintaining your play levels will pay off handsomely over time.

• Honorifics. Here is where a little goes a long way. Calling your Dominant “Master,” “Sir” or “Mistress” on a daily, consistent basis truly reinforces the power exchange in a deep and profound way. Likewise, the Dominant’s “good girl” or equivalent phrase contributes mightily to the dynamic.

• Isolate key protocols. It is easy to gloss over protocols when you live together. Jobs, outside commitments and friends can make it hard to maintain essential rituals even in a low-protocol relationship. I suggest you identify one or two basic protocols that reinforce the fact that you are the Master/Mistress and she/he is the slave. I personally endorse the greeting ritual upon returning from work as a great way to keep the D/s dynamic fresh in each other’s mind.

• Slave diaries. I suggest the slave keep journals of your best scenes. In this way, the slave gets to emotionally re-live those scenes that were memorable and the Master can recreate those scenes if the play devolves a bit, as it easily can, over time.

• Slave contracts. Slave contracts have no legal standing. They cannot keep a bad D/s union working. But, they are powerful tools that can keep a D/s relationship strong.

• Discipline. As the Dom/me, you must be vigilant to see if and when your relationship might be eroding. It is much like weight loss. If you see a person every day, it is hard to notice any change in weight. Similarly, it is hard to notice when little things gradually go awry. I suggest that you take stock every so often correct small problems before they become big ones.

• Speaking freely. The Master must give the slave regular opportunity to speak her mind without fear of punishment. This is a simple human need and trumps all D/s theory.

• It’s a relationship. Don’t forget the “relationship” aspect of a D/s relationship! This obvious fact is often overlooked. Have fun. Go to movies. Laugh. A live-in Master/slave relationship should not be like working in the Siberian coal mines. The advantage of living together is that it makes it easy to develop a well-rounded relationship. Don’t neglect this advantage.

The key, as I see it, is for both the Master/Mistress and the slave to understand the pros and cons of a 24/7, live-in relationship. Obviously, not all of these suggestions apply to everyone. But, by being aware of the double-edged sword that such a relationship is, you can embrace the positive and avoid the negative.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

What is a Switch?

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When someone tells you they identify as a Dominant or Master, submissive or slave – you have a pretty good idea what that means. But how about when someone tells you they’re a switch? Well, it means you need to ask more questions.
I often compare somebody that identifies as a switch to someone who identifies as bisexual. Now, before you get all upset, I understand that sexual orientation and D/s dynamic identifiers have nothing to do with one another. That is not what I compare. Here is what I mean: both identities lay upon a spectrum and there are some similar stereotypes that both groups deal with.

On one hand you can have someone like me – I personally identify as an s-type, however, I have the skills to top and do enjoy it on occasion with a handful of people. So, technically, I can say I’m a switch because I can Top and bottom for play. However, for me, I have no interest in being anyone’s Dominant or being involved in a D/s dynamic with me as the D-type. I won’t say it will never happen because I know better, it’s just not something I am interested in currently. On the other hand you will find people that feel equally Dominant and submissive and may have a partner (or partners) that they switch with – or are in a poly situation where they have one (or more) partner(s) they submit to and another (or others) they are a Dominant to. Some people may flow from one to another – go through phases if you will. Sometimes in their life they feel the need for more submission and at other times feel the need to express more of their Dominant side. Still others may lean more toward one side or another but it’s closer to a 60/40 than someone like me who is closer to 80/20 (or so). The point is that there is a very diverse spectrum when it comes to being a switch. Everyone is different and you just need to ask what it means to them.

Now I would like to address the stereotype that seems to get placed on switches that reminds me of the one placed on those that identify as bisexual. It’s the stereotype that a switch is confused about their identity, going through a phase, or just doesn’t want to commit one way or the other. While these things, of course, can be true for some people – it is not true for most.

Being a switch is just as much who they are as someone who knows they are a D-type or an s-type. I am not confused about what I like. That doesn’t mean it may not change. When I discovered this community I swore I was totally an s-type and would never be able to Top. Eventually I started exploring it because, well, why not? I believe this lifestyle is perfect for self-exploration and growth! So I explored the “Top side” of play. I had always gone to classes to learn how to use implements, etc. to enhance my play as a bottom and learn about it for safety reasons. So once I started to Top I already had some skill. I found I tend to prefer Topping s-type women. I can Top men, however, I usually do that from more of a “service Top” position. It’s not what curls my toes. I don’t know what will develop down the line. Perhaps I will come upon a woman I would like to serve me in some capacity. I try to never say never because none of us really know what the future holds. Does that change (if it were to happen) mean I’m just “going through a phase”? Absolutely not. I still feel my submission pulled from male Dom energy and believe I always will. It’s simply a matter of how my Top side will grow or with whom.

We all have our own story and our own journey. This space allows us to explore and reach in directions we never thought possible. Know thyself and then get to know others. Especially those darn switches! 🙂

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

BDSM Scene Ideas: The Interrogation

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I’m a big fan of getting creative with BDSM play. Rope is great, and impact is fine, but what I love most is power exchange, and putting some thought and preparation into creating a great scene can go a long way towards heightening that dynamic.

In this article I’m going to describe one of my favorite scenarios – The Interrogation. It borrows from the genre of captured spy, or dirty cop, and it’s great not only to reinforce the dominance and submission of the participants, but also actually helps in revealing a lot about each other (well, about the sub anyway). Because of that, I generally incorporate this into a relatively early play session with a new play partner. Probably not the very first time, because it helps if a level of trust has already been established, but perhaps the second or third time. Having said that, it’s a classic that can still be fun even if you’ve been playing with them for years.

Important – this scene is for people who already have an established BDSM relationship with their partner, and have already negotiated limits and safewords between them. The scene as described includes several different BDSM aspects, which should each have been discussed and agreed upon between the Dom and sub prior to playing. If any aspect is a problem for either person, you can of course modify and use alternative techniques instead.

What you’ll need:
• Sturdy chair – I prefer one without arms so that the sub’s legs are not prevented from opening. I like simple wooden ones rather than comfortable modern ones, for added effect.
• Ankle & wrist restraints – you could use rope if you want, but for this scene I prefer the convenience of leather cuffs
• Connectors – something to attach the wrist cuffs together, and a lead or strap to connect the ankle cuffs to the back of the chair
• Long leather strap – highly recommended, to secure the torso to the back of the chair. Prevents wriggling around.
• Spotlights x 2
• Nice torture toy – something painful but not too horrible. E.g. a violet wand, or TENS unit on a low setting
• Mean torture toy – something a bit more serious. E.g. a Ta-zapper, or TENS on a higher setting
• Pleasure toy (optional) – e.g. Hitachi or Fleshlight

I put a lot of stock in the ambience of a scene. So you don’t want to just casually invite your submissive to sit in the chair for a spot of interrogation. Instead, build up to it. Perhaps have them waiting in bondage for a little while beforehand, in the dark or with a blindfold on. Then (borrowing some dramatic effect from a spy thriller), suddenly and loudly grab them and manhandle them to the chair. Sit your sub down, and get him or her secured. Start with the wrists behind the back (whether they are behind or in front of the chair back will depend on the chair and your sub’s comfort level, and whether you care about that). Then do the ankles – you’ll want to get the legs spread as wide and far back as you can and then secure the ankle restraints to the chair leg. Finally, put the leather strap in place to secure the torso to the chair back – important to prevent too much wriggling around. Now, I prefer subs to not be wearing any clothes for this scene, so if they aren’t already there this could be a great opportunity to cut the clothes off, which can be a real thrill unto itself for some submissives (obviously, only if this has been negotiated and they aren’t overly attached to whatever they are wearing).

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Make sure the chair is secure and can’t fall backwards! Depending on what you do, the person tied to your chair may jump around a bit – the last thing you want is them falling backwards and being unable to cushion their fall.

Ideally the setting should be dark, which is perfect for now switching on your spotlights and directing them at the submissive. This creates a powerful effect of the person feeling like they are under scrutiny, while obscuring you as the questioner. Be aware of the power of the spotlight and exactly where you are pointing it – you don’t want to cause any permanent vision issues (like with all BDSM activities, I recommend testing on yourself before using on another person).

Now that the scene is set, you can begin the interrogation. Tell the person you are going to ask them some questions. Take an authoritative tone. Let them know you want them to answer you quickly, and truthfully.

I generally have two toys for this part. One mild torture toy like a violet wand set to a relatively gentle level. And one less forgiving toy like a Ta-zapper or simply a higher setting of the wand. You’ll notice the electrical play theme here, which I find accompanies the theme quite well, but you can of course substitute whatever you like for these – impact, clamps etc (electrical play can be dangerous – don’t do it without learning about how to do it safely first).

Explain to your sub that you’ll be using the violet wand as you ask them questions, and that it had better not distract them from answering you. And let them know that if you think they are lying about anything, or answering too slowly, or you otherwise don’t like their answer, then you’ll be using the mean toy on them. At which point you might like to demonstrate once on them for effect.

Now that the tone is set and they are likely in a cooperative frame of mind, you can begin questioning. Start with easy questions:

“What’s your name?”

“How old are you?”

“Where are you from?”

This will get them into the habit of answering you immediately and truthfully. Write down the answers. Even if you already know the answers, it’s part of the ambience and the role. Now, move onto more personal and embarrassing questions:

“How much do you weigh?”

“How many people have you fucked?”

“What sex toys do you own?”

This will help open the person up to you, and move them into a special kind of submissive mindset. Be mindful of any topics that are limits or triggers (which you should already know if you previously done a proper play negotiation). But other than that, aim to keep establishing your position of authority and make them open up and bare all to you.

“Have you ever done any drugs?”

“When was the last time you masturbated?”

“Tell me in detail about a fantasy you think about while masturbating”.

All the while throughout the questioning, you should be teasing them with your violet wand (or other toy of choice). It should add a pleasant level of difficulty as they try to answer your questions. And don’t forget to punish them with the mean toy if they take their time, or don’t provide enough detail, or even if the answer is true but you disapprove, or even pretend to disapprove on moral grounds (e.g. “have you ever cheated on a lover”)

You may decide to press for more details and ask different questions depending on your sub’s answers. In this way, it can be quite bonding as you learn things about them you might not have otherwise. For the sub, I am told it can actually feel quite liberating and exhilarating being made to reveal intimate details – like kinky therapy, perhaps.

And of course, you can file away the info you learn about their fantasies for use in future play scenes.

Once you are done with the questioning, if they have been good then you might choose to use your pleasure toy to get them off – they’ll no doubt be hot and ready for it. But that’s almost a clichéd finish now, so I’ll leave that up to you!

Stay tuned for more scene ideas in future editions.

Have you ever done an interrogation scene, either as the top or the bottom? Tell me about your experiences and any comments you’d like to add below!

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it. Find him here.

The New 24/7 Slave

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In a previous kinkweekly.com article, The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s, I had opined on so-called 24/7 D/s relationships. I would like to expand on that article and offer a 24/7 plan that can work in our fast-paced and demanding society.

There are a lot of differing opinions when defining the phrase “24/7” as it applies to slaves and submissives. Technically, the precise definition of “24/7 slave” would have to mean exactly that — serving twenty-four hours, seven days a week. Nonstop. This works fine in the cyber world of idealized relationships. But in the real world, there are life considerations that usually make this impossible.

Taken literally, one could never be a 24/7 slave or sub unless one were totally detached from our basically vanilla world. Thus, the world of 24/7 Dom/me/sub relationships would be left to the unemployed, the independently wealthy, those without kids and/or those without any obligations outside of the slave serving Master or Mistress. This would eliminate all but a few of us. Thus, what we need is a realistic definition that everyone here can live with. A definition that works practically — but one that doesn’t water down the intent of the phrase “24/7 slave.” This can be especially useful for the “New Guard,” who seem to have interests in many other areas besides BDSM.

I think the key to defining a “new 24/7” lies not exclusively in the physical realm. You do not have to literally be at the Master’s or Mistress’s feet all the time. It is really the depth of dedication, not the weekly duration of service. (Of course there are purists who will disagree with me. But what is a debate without opposing views?) The key is to examine the emotional foundation of the Master/slave relationship.

What makes a slave a slave? Surely, slavery is illegal; “slave contracts,” appealing as they are, cannot be legally enforced. Master/slave is, and must be, a consensual agreement. But, it has to be more than just a “consensual agreement” if it is to have any meaning other than a semantic one. It must be more than just BDSM play and service to a Dominant figure. Since “slavery” is consensual, how exactly do we measure it? The key to “slavery” being more than just another form of dating lies in the fact that, at some point, the slave becomes bonded to her/his Master/Mistress in an incredibly deep way. At this point, the slave cannot leave the Master/Mistress without incredible amounts of mental agony; he/she is welded to the Master/Mistress; he/she needs the Master/Mistress to complete his/her existence. Once this point of mental enslavement and dedication is reached, it is, by definition, 24/7. The slave is owned without regard to the time of day or what he/she is doing. The Master or Mistress owns the slave all the time, whether he/she is working at a job, at the DMV or on safari in Africa.

Thus, we can define 24/7 Master/slave as a mental state rather than a physical one. Using this definition, the slave is owned, emotionally and mentally, twenty four hours, seven days a week. Even when apart, the slave’s world revolves around the Master/Mistress — whether the slave is physically with the Owner or not. Once in this TPE “slavespace,” the actual number of hours and days served per week is irrelevant. The slave can be at a job, applying for a loan, or even be at a PTA meeting. As long as the slave is mentally connected to his/her Owner 24/7, then we can effectively say he/she is a “24/7 slave.”

This is one compelling reason for the collar. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master or Mistress – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar also has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Owner’s touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to many of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. Besides the collar, technology, such as cellphones, can connect the slave to the Master or Mistress at all times no matter how far apart they might be. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!”)

But does eliminating the physical 24/7 requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master. So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article offers yet another approach. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s or Mistress’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if you are on safari!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

You Can’t Have Everything!

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With L.A.’s Bondage Ball ahead of us, and Kinkweekly’s Launch Party behind us, I thought it would be a good time to see how new BDSM players transition from play to D/s relationship – if that is what they want (and many do).

More often than not, upon first play, it seems that all is fine. But when it comes time to get to the next step, I was asked the following question — “My new partner and I have played lightly at a dungeon party. She is hot, and she really turns me on, but is only into light pain. I am a male Dominant, and the thought of flogging and marking her excites me. How do we proceed? Is this a do-able arrangement because of the pain disparity?” (As the question was asked by a male Dom, I will address it in male Dom/female sub terms.)

My answer: Before you worry about the pain/no pain aspects of your relationship, I suggest you first try to establish a D/s hierarchy. If you cannot get to this level, all other concerns are immaterial. (And I don’t mean presenting your sub with some phony-baloney Fifty Shades-style “slave contract.”)

The easiest way to proceed is by introducing small aspects of D/s into your off-dungeon life with your prospective submissive. For example, choose a restaurant and order for her. Start to be more Dominant when you meet outside the play room and see how she takes to it. It is one thing to want to be a Dominant or a submissive; it is quite another thing to actually do it. Thus, small forays into the world of the power exchange are a good place to begin.

Establishing honorifics should be the next item on your agenda. Addressing the Dominant as “Sir,” “Master” or some other honorific reinforces the D/s aspects of your relationship. Surely calling your Dom “Sir” packs a more powerful wallop than calling him “snookems.” These might appear to be minor changes. But, a D/s relationship is a compendium of many minor behavioral modifications. Starting with the proper honorifics is a small but vital step.

I might also start to add some protocols, like the greeting ritual. You should instruct your new sub how to great you when possible. Typically, this consists of kneeling down and kissing the feet or shoes of the Dominant. Or, in a less “Old Guard” greeting, it can be a specific verbal salutation. You can vary it to your desires, but a show of submission is often just what is needed to reaffirm the hierarchy of your relationship.

Now comes the fun part! It is time to establish a D/s dynamic in the playroom. You might not have a Master/slave arrangement at this point; but, at the very least, you should have established enough of a power exchange to have a fun time both in and out of the bedroom. But, if you want to expand into the pain end of the BDSM spectrum, I will suggest a strategy that might work wonders. (This is my opinion and my opinion only.)

While you are having sex, make sure to spank your sub in the butt. As she will be in the throws of passion, she will learn to associate pain with the pleasure of sex. Many women enjoy the pain of spanking during sex – even vanilla women. But, in your case, you must make a special effort to give some serious spanks that are BDSM-specific and pack a bit of a sting. The key is to make her connect your spanks (or some other pain) with the pleasure of sex. This is a great way of turning her on to pain without making a big deal of it. If she likes it, then you can negotiate a full-blown BDSM scene. As her trust level goes up, so will her willingness to let you push her limits.

If, on the other hand, she just won’t countenance any pain, you might still be in luck. Because, if all attempts fail, at the very least you now have a well trained submissive both in and out of the bedroom. And that isn’t all that bad. As Steven Wright, the comedian said, “You can’t have everything…where would you put it?”

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Cause of Triggers During Play

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frustrated young business man

Triggers are things that should be acknowledged in a relationship and are one of the things we look at especially when we are going to play. This article can’t cover all the specific triggers you may or may not have, however, it will cover what various things can cause a trigger. You can be triggered in a positive way as well – which is lovely and not in need of an article! 🙂 Unfortunately most triggers are discovered because they happen during play. If this happens, whether you continue the scene or not, it is something to discuss and process – and then add to your future negotiations. The following are examples in each category and certainly not an all inclusive list.

TYPE OF IMPLEMENT/PLAY – You may be triggered by a specific implement or type of play. Maybe your punishment as a child was being hit with a belt. For many it’s a fetish and for some with a similar story, they may have turned it around into an enjoyable experience. However, if it creates a bad association for you, then it’s a trigger. Perhaps you were assaulted in the past and now a scene that includes “consensual non-consent” floods you with those awful memories.

POSITIONING – Being tied to a cross may not be a big deal, however, if told to take a spanking in the “diaper” position (basically laying on your back and pulling up your knees, similar to a baby getting a diaper change) you feel humiliated, and not in a sexy way.

PART OF BODY – There may be one or more places on your body that you don’t want touched, exposed or impacted. Sometimes this is because it just makes you angry if it happens and takes you out of your headspace. Sometimes there is a certain body part(s) that is linked to trauma or bad memories, etc.

WORDS – There are words that can trigger negative feelings. I might be really into sexual humiliation, yet if you call me fat or stupid (or the equivalent) I will be triggered. Being called certain titles/names can also be a trigger.

SOUND – The best example for this that I’ve seen is a Veteran having a PTSD response to someone cracking a whip. It could also be something as simple as a specific song.

SMELL – Our sense of smell is largely connected to our memories. You may be triggered by a certain type of cologne/perfume, cleaning products, lotion, etc.

Nothing is silly or unimportant. If it triggers you negatively PLEASE include it when you negotiate your scene. Your Top will appreciate it!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Spanking: Pleasure or Discipline?

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With the June 10th Kink Weekly Launch Party almost here, you can bet there will be spankings galore at the event. So what better time to examine the role of spanking in our lifestyle?

Whenever the subject of spanking is discussed, the question of “how can it be used for discipline when the submissive enjoys it?” invariably comes up. But it is not an issue of either-or; it is both.

Let’s dispose of the obvious – what exactly is spanking? Our kinkweekly dictionary defines “spanking” as follows: “To slap on the buttocks with the open hand, or a short flat object such as a paddle or a hairbrush or any of a number of implements such as crops, canes and floggers. Spanking is used as for both pleasure and punishment, or in a role-play context in BDSM scenes.” Thus, within the definition of spanking, pleasure and punishment co-exist.

First, let’s examine the pleasurable aspects of spanking.

One of the most widespread uses of spanking is as a tool for putting the sub into what is commonly called “sub-space.” For those of you unfamiliar with “sub-space,” it is usually defined as “a state of mind and body that most believe is caused by endorphins emitted during a BDSM scene.” Often, it appears as though the submissive is put into a trance; many describe it as “flying” or being in “space.” When in this state, the submissive typically transcends all that is around him/her and cannot even feel the sting of the spanking implement. (In it, a sub often cannot utter his/her safe word; a Dom/me must be aware of this fact.) Although there are many ways to put a submissive into “sub-space,” continuous spanking over an extended period of time is the most commonly used technique. And, though one might classify the actual strokes as “pain,” the overall experience must be categorized as “pleasure.”

“Sub-space” aside, there are many who simply enjoy spanking as an activity in and of itself, especially in conjunction with bondage or immobilization. Even light spanking – the type of which will not be “subspace inducing” – done in combination with restriction can be quite exciting for the Top and bottom alike.

As you can see, there is a wide array of techniques and equipment – from the ordinary to the exotic — that can be used in a spanking scene. Everything from ropes to chains, from duct tape to saran wrap can be utilized to keep the submissive within the “range of the whip,” to coin a term. The cane, crop, flogger or just the hand can be the implement of choice in a spanking session. The only limit is your imagination!

Spanking is also a popular element in many role-play games. The most common one is the “bad schoolgirl” scenario. (“You’ve been a bad girl and are being kept after school to be spanked!”) Even this “bad schoolgirl” game is just that, a role-play game.

So, how does Dom/me use spanking for punishment when the submissive really likes it?

There are two schools of thought here. The first one is that, since everyone craves approval, the fact that the spanking is being administered due to disapproval changes the way the sub responds to the stimuli. The condemnation factor thus makes the spanking much less pleasurable.

The second school of thought posits that every submissive has a particular implement that he/she despises; that toy would be the implement of choice for punishment and discipline. I have yet to find a submissive who doesn’t have at least one toy that he/she totally hates.

Of course, for those into full-on obedience mode, there is always corporal punishment. Here is a transcript of an actual corporal punishment scene.

The female submissive is tied, face down, across a spanking bench. Her Mistress, crop in hand, questions her.

Mistress: What did you do that displeased me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you displease me?
submissive: Yes, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And will you be disrespectful again?
submissive: No, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: How did you displease me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Do you know how much you displeased me?
submissive: Yes I do, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Do you like displeasing your Mistress?
submissive: No, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Are you ashamed of yourself?
submissive: Yes, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: What are you ashamed of?
submissive: That is displeased you, Mistress
(Spank)
Mistress: What are you trained to do?
Submissive: To bring you pleasure, Mistress?
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you bring me pleasure?
Submissive: No, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And why not?
Submissive: Because I dishonored you. Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And how did you dishonor me?
Submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress..
(Spank)
Mistress: What did you do that displeased me?
submissive: I was disrespectful to another Domme, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: Did you displease me?
submissive: Yes, Mistress.
(Spank)
Mistress: And will you be disrespectful again?
submissive: No, Mistress

In conclusion, spanking is both ecstasy and pain, it is both reward and punishment, it is both pleasure and discipline. To put it simply, it is awesome!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Reader Question: Non-sexual Rewards & Punishments

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handcuffed couple

This question was recently sent in to Kink Weekly: “My Dom and I are moving into a nonsexual version of our relationship due to personal reasons. But after so many years of sexual play, He is having a hard time separating sex from our D/s relationship, but I have told him it is possible. Can someone help me with nonsexual ideas for rewards and punishments that do not include humiliation?”

I am going to offer what I can to help, however, “humiliation” has not been defined specifically. I realize the reader is looking for non-sexual and not humiliating, however, humiliation is subjective. Keeping this in mind I will do my best to give this reader some ideas and, hopefully, in the process – give other readers ideas whether or not their relationship is sexual in nature.

Let’s begin with rewards since it’s a bit easier to know that humiliation can be avoided. The ideas are endless really. What does the s-type enjoy? Perhaps a nice outing to a favorite museum or restaurant. Cooking their favorite food or allowing for an extravagant dessert. Having a “date night” – movies, club, concert, etc. Other ideas include pampering – giving the s-type a foot rub or drawing them a bubble bath. If this seems to “servicey” (probably not a word? Lol) to you as the D-type, then perhaps buying them a professional massage or day at the spa. Footing the bill for a mani/pedi, tickets to a favorite sporting event, new items for a favorite hobby, book shopping, etc. From small rewards to bigger ones – just basically consider what the s-type enjoys and would like to earn.

Now let’s discuss punishments. This is a bit trickier when looking to avoid humiliation. I will do my best to give some ideas that I wouldn’t consider humiliating, however, they may still feel humiliating to others. I will, however, obviously steer clear of any sexual humiliation.

Some ideas that are very service oriented tend to work well. Cleaning is one example. Especially if cleaning isn’t normally expected or if extra cleaning can be added. For example, cleaning out the oven, bathtub or refrigerator. Re-organizing the garage or going thru the closets and doing a “spring cleaning” no matter the time of year. You could do extra errands for the D-type like doing their grocery shopping for the week or their laundry.

Another idea is simply taking away something they enjoy. Perhaps every night they like to have a bowl of ice cream – punishment is to not allow that for a night or a week. Perhaps they splurge on Starbucks on their way to work every day – punishment is to brew at home and take in a travel mug. Perhaps if they are really bad you don’t play that weekend.

Gasp!

There are more common punishments like writing lines or doing corner time. I don’t know how humiliating those would be considered. Again, much of this is subjective.

Be creative. When you really sit down and start thinking of things the ideas will probably start to flow. I hope this helps the reader that wrote in and I hope it helps others as well!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

BDSM Scene Idea: Slutification

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slutification_s

Sissification has long been a staple of the Fem-dom playbook. Also known as forced feminization, it involves a male submissive being made to wear feminine clothes (think lingerie and heels) and makeup, and then being made to do things in traditionally feminine ways – walking, talking and otherwise acting female-esque.

I borrowed from this concept to come up with a fun scene idea that can be used with a female submissive. Well, I suppose it can be used on any kind of submissive – but I have found great success in play with female submissives.

I present to you “slutification”.

As with sissification, there is a moderate D/s element to this play. There can also be some shame involved, which may be added to with verbal humiliation. How this is experienced will vary greatly depending on the submissive and her various life experiences and values. Make sure that any aspects you incorporate into the scene are within the bounds of what you have previously negotiated for play with your partner.

What you’ll need:
-One or more slutty dresses (there are some great options if you search “slutty dress” on Amazon. I like this one
-Tacky lingerie (something like this)
-Very high heeled stilettos (5+ inches)
-Assorted cheap and brightly colored lipsticks
-Assorted cheap eye shadows
-Extra black mascara
-Foundation
-Blush

I think you can probably see where I’m going with this.

It’s pretty simply really. Start by letting her know that the outfit she chose is not to your liking. You were hoping for something a little… sluttier. Let her know you are going to help her learn to be a good little whore for you. At that point you can pull out the dress, lingerie and shoes you got her, and tell her to get changed. Now, depending on how extravagant you want to go, you might have a few different outfit options for her. Make her go and get changed for you. You will sit waiting while she changes in another room and comes back to model the dress for you.

If you happen to own a spotlight (also useful for interrogation scenes), make her step into the bright light so you can examine her properly. Have her turn and twirl for you.

Once you are satisfied with her new attire, it’s on to the artistic part!

Have your precious pet kneel in front of you while you sit in a comfortable chair. You could incorporate some bondage at this point if you like, but I prefer the D/s aspect of ordering her into the correct positions to your liking.

If you are anything like me, you have extremely limited experience applying makeup to a person. Great! The less skilled the better for this part. The goal here is not to make her look beautiful – it’s to make her look like a cheap hooker. So start with some foundation. Then the lipstick. Make sure to choose something extra bright and garish, and once she gets her lips nice and taught for you, smear it liberally on.

Your girl is no doubt well versed in applying make up to make herself look pretty, so by now she will be starting to realize that your technique is less than expert. It will be a true test of her submission to accept this as you undo all of her patient preparation. What a perfect time to rattle off some yogi quotes for her about gratitude, humility, and being calm in the face of adversity.

On to the eyes! When choosing an eye shadow, I recommend… you guessed it – bright and colorful! One play partner informed later that she just knew I was going to go for the blue. Apparently it’s the clichéd choice for such scenes. Nevertheless, so timeless and classic all the same. Follow your heart on this one. Next up, the lashes. Let’s go big and bold and fat with those bad boys.

Finally, it’s time to slap on a little blush and your masterpiece will be complete.

From here, you have any number of directions for where to take the scene. Perhaps you make her do a strip-tease for you, perhaps you give her some explicit training on how to be a good slut… or maybe just drive her to a seedy street and make her flaunt her wares. Don’t forget to keep reminding her about exactly how she looks.

Have you ever done an slutificaiton or sissification scene, either as the top or the bottom? Tell us about your experiences and any comments you’d like to add below!

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.