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This week in kink: September 13, 2021

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Don’t miss the inside scoop on this awesome kink/swinger’s resort from Mirror!

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Learn all about the best virtual reality porn games with Mashable!

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Discover how the self-publishing of Fifty Shades Of Grey has influenced the literary world!

Click below to read more from interaksyon!

‘Fifty Shades of Grey,’ 10 years later: Self-publishing wasn’t novel then, but now it’s easier to reach a niche audience

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

This week in kink: August 9, 2021

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Learn about Reflections, a kinky dinner theater performance from Sports Grind Entertainment!

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‘Reflections’ puts a BDSM twist on classic dinner theater

Read all about how Pro Dommes are taking the pandemic seriously by implementing vaccine protocols for their clients.

Click below to find out more from Inside Hook!

Pro-Dommes Are Convincing Their Subs to Get Vaccinated

Discover the lives of five poly women who happen to be in a country band!

Click below to uncover more!

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Intro To Poly Play

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Finally, with the light at the end of this long, dark tunnel beginning to break through, I am starting to get emails that seem to be assuming the end of this “Crazy-Covid” year.  As many of us were in some form of “quarantine” at home, those questions that I have gotten were, naturally, relationship-based queries.  After all, play questions tend to be technical and usually revolve around “how do I prevent my BDSM skills from eroding?’  I have addressed those issues in previous articles; this week’s question is one I found rather unique in that it combined light play, switching, fantasies, age play, threesomes and a variant of the “Seven Year Itch.”  You might call this the question of questions..  So here it is, in all its “kitchen sink” glory.  

Reader: My partner and I are secure in our relationship, sexually and otherwise.  We’re practicing BDSMers who rarely play in public.  I’m usually Dom; she usually sub. We sometimes Switch. Lately, she’s become attracted to younger women, and wishes to explore play with them as a Domme. She insists that I be present and at least observe, if not participate as the head Dom.  Though this is a common male fantasy, it’s not one of mine. Is this getting too complicated? Are we leading ourselves into a relationship trap? Help!

The key to your relationship lies in your statement, “My partner and I are secure in our relationship, sexually and otherwise.”  And, by your question, it seems you wish to avoid situations that might jeopardize this foundation; obviously you have observed that threesomes – no matter what you call them – are really hard to maintain.  And that is an understatement.  It might be easier to juggle nitroglycerin that to have a solid, long term “extended family” let alone not ruin the original “smaller” family. That said, if you are going to attempt it – I have attempted it many times so I know whereof I speak – let’s see how you can expand your boundaries without putting your relationship at risk.

The “relationship trap” you refer to is, more than likely, that of a third person entering your relationship and ruining it.  If I had a bitcoin for every D/s relationship that hit a snag because a third person upset the apple cart – either by opening up feelings of mistrust and jealousy, or by stealing the other person’s affections – I would be a very rich man.  So, your apprehension  – even in the context of a secure, trusting relationship — is not unfounded.  So, how you do you protect yourself against such an outcome?   

No matter what, you have to accept that inviting a third person into your relationship entails a certain amount of risk, no matter how small.  Much like skydiving, some danger is clearly the price of admission for your thrills.  That said, your aim should not be eliminating risk, but rather minimizing it.  And, as the concerned one, it comes down to you to be the “gatekeeper” and not allow any person to jeopardize your relationship.  

The first thing you must do is to carefully scrutinize any potential play partner.  I always suggest an extensive vanilla meeting before you play; this will give you a sense of what the other person is all about – especially since that person appears significantly younger..  What are her aims?  Is she looking for her own Domme or is she really just desirous of play?  Using a vanilla term, is she a “home wrecker?”  You can never absolutely know a person’s true desires (thus, there is always risk…the skydiving principle, ya know!), but you can get a good sense of her game plan with a probing interview.  You must also make your rules (be the Dom!) crystal clear to any play partner you are interested in.  Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that any emotional incursion into your relationship will end it right then and there.  You should not forget to discuss your personal limits with your partner; the most important of these being that you can call the whole thing off any time you want.  

Once play begins, you must always look for signs of any bonding that goes beyond simple play.  Obviously, you can never control the human heart.  But if you see any danger signs, it is better to be safe than sorry and get rid of that play partner.  This might seem a bit harsh, but play partners can be replaced far more easily than life partners.  And as the Mafia Don in Casino counseled, “Why take a chance?”  

Finally, you state, “Though this (having a second woman) is a common male fantasy, it’s not one of mine.”  I have always said that BDSM should be fun; it should not be like cleaning the Aegean stables.  If you find this aspect of your relationship hard to take (although I cannot imagine why; but I am a male and I too love the two girl fantasy!), you should talk it over with your partner.  Maybe, play only occasionally.  Or, limit the actual play that takes place.  And sex — which tends to bring out the most emotional of feelings — does not have to be included in your scenes.

No matter how you approach it, never lose sight of the fact that your relationship always comes first.  Weighing the risks against the gain is always a consideration that should not be far from your mind when trying to keep your relationship moving forward – and moving forward safely!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Kink and Ethical Non-Monogamy

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We have interviewed many polyamorous kinky individuals. We recently interviewed a kinkster who  shared her story with us about how she and her husband discovered that they are not sexually aligned.  Let’s call her “L” She is kinky and he just isn’t. They tried to incorporate kink into their lifestyle and while  she discovered that her sexuality is wrapped up in kink, he discovered that his is not. So how they dealt  with it, because they are life partners, was to venture into the world of polyamory, (what I like to call  “ethical non-monogamy”). They went poly.  

Polyamory means many (from English) loves (from the Latin “amore”). Polyamory, the word, is in much  more use in modern times, beginning in about 1988 and being much more prevalent and in use today.  The notion of many loves led to the more accurate descriptor, that being “Ethical Non-Monogamy”. The  ethics in play implies that there is agreement between the parties to have multiple partners. Not all non monogamy involves loving relationships, whereas polyamory implies that there are indeed multiple  loving relationships. In this case, our protagonist, L, and her husband B are in a polyamorous  relationship. L’s lover does not have a relationship with B and B’s lover does not have a relationship  (beyond friendship) with L. In polyamory, the partner’s partners are called “metamours.”  

L searched for and found a Dom with whom she developed a long-distance relationship, they met and  agreed to a D/s dynamic. She calls her Dom her “Sir”. She and he engage with daily communication,  tasks, etc, in an attempt to “normalize” the physical distance between them, while at the same time, her  husband, “B”, has found a local girlfriend and so they are now happily in this poly dynamic where she  gets her kink fix when she can, and he gets to explore his vanilla relationship with his girlfriend when he  can. It’s a very elegant solution. They love each other and they set out to create workability in their  relationship by creating an ethical non-monogamous solution, and they are both happier as a result.  

So, lets talk about this elegant solution to their relationship dynamic and all the ways it could have gone pear-shaped.  

First, when a couple discovers that they are not sexually compatible, its often the end of the  relationship. This couple did the adult thing. They talked. If polyamory is about anything, its about  communication. She had longings for kink and B did not, so he encouraged her to seek out a Dom and  she began that process online. They talked about what she discovered and what was pulling her toward  the kink dynamic and being confident in her love for him, he was able to say that he would be ok with  her scratching that kink itch with another man. Eventually, the time came for her to meet her Dom in  person. She realized that she had formed an emotional connection with him and she wanted to  experience herself as a sexual submissive. She craved it. They agreed to meet for a weekend in a central  location being that they live in different states.  

This is the point that most relationships that are attempting to open up simply fail. Most men cannot  stand the idea of their mate being sexually satisfied by another man. It has the potential of being very  emasculating. And yet, they agreed that she should indeed meet her Dom to see if this idea of  polyamory was or could be workable. It took a lot of courage on both of their parts to take this decision.  But their relationship was solid and the stepped into the wilderness. At this point, in the world of ethical  non-monogamy, what you have here is a 3-person conversation where there is agreement all around as  to what is important. The Dom was not willing to meet unless the marriage itself was stable and secure.  The marriage being stable and secure allowed the couple to have confidence in and certainty about their relationship as L went off to experience her first kink experience with this new Dom. They met for dinner  first and got to know each other in person beyond their phone calls, skype and chats. Only then did they  agree to play (in kink, scenes are called “play”) that she would submit to being used by him. They had  their first scene, and then she went back to her husband to debrief.  

This began a process of self-assessment for both him and her, and as L became more emotionally  involved with her Sir, talking on the phone every day, being tasked by him and so on, B began to feel  space developing, and by coincidence, he met a local woman with whom he had much in common and  with L’s agreement, B started to date his new gal, let’s call her “J”.  

So now you have a 4-way conversation that looks like this Sir-L- B – J. The secret to this polycule is that B  and L are in good communication, have a great relationship, and love each other as life partners. B and J  have a loving relationship that is going on 2 years now and Sir and L have a loving relationship that while  being long distance, allows Sir and L to explore kink to each of their personal satisfactions.  

The key to this dynamic is that L and B are deeply connected, in communication, and love each other as  life partners. This allows both B and L to explore sexuality and relationship outside of their committed  marriage in a true polyamorous manner that lives up to the idea of ethical non-monogamy.  

The secret to polyamory is communication. In a world where there is space between the couple,  polyamory is a path to relationship destruction. It’s only where there is no space and the couple speaks  openly and honestly about what they want and what’s missing that allows them to even discuss opening  their marriage and put polyamory on the table.  

Consider that there can be poly dynamics that do not involve sex. There are kink relationships that do  not involve sex either. In fact, among asexuals, polyamory is often the relationship model of choice with  many of the same challenges that sexual relationships have, especially where there is a partner who  wishes to have a sexual relationship. Polyamory is a natural and quite popular solution. In non-sexual  relationships, non-monogamy requires communication to the same extent as in sexual relationships.  

Where non-monogamy and kink intersect often is that there are multiple opportunities in play spaces  (pre-covid and soon to be post covid) where in a dungeon, a couple might invite an expert to play with a  partner. For example, sounding him while his partner watches. These are ethical non-monogamy  interludes that do not rise to the level of polyamory.  

All non-monogamy requires that precautions be taken to avoid transmission of STD’s when sex is  involved. Fluid bonding is a thing that really should be agreed to by all the parties. There should also be  a regular testing paradigm so everyone involved can be confident that they are not engaging in  excessively risky behavior. This is especially true in non-poly open relationships where sex is the point.  Swinging for example. Swinging is naturally an ethical-nonmonogamy construct and like much of  consensual play in kink, swinging can be risky and safety agreements should govern fluid bonding. This  goes for sharing of toys for instance and using clean condoms before sharing toys with a non-fluid  bonded partner.  

Kink and non-monogamy go together often. Ethical non-monogamy means that there are agreements in  place and that the ethics of non-monogamy are governed by those agreements. Can a couple exist  where one member of the couple is kinky and one is not? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one  member of the couple wants to do things that are “hard limits” for her partner? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one member is asexual and the other deeply kinky? Absolutely. All of these scenarios  can and do exist and they exist inside of agreements which in turn requires communication. It comes  down to this. If you do not ask for what you want, you will never know if your partner would agree. He  might, and if he does not, at least you are in communication and there is a chance you can negotiate to  an agreement. Kinksters are used to negotiation. That is the essence of the D/s dynamic. Having an  ethical non-monogamous relationship is a natural outcome of a conversation where you ask your  partner to do things to you that they are not comfortable with.  

As long as there is trust and love is present, anything is possible.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

How To Effectively Cope With Jealousy

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We all know how this works with medical issues. If I have a cough, I could take some over the counter medication or cough drops and treat the symptom. However, that cough may be related to allergies, or asthma. It could be related to pneumonia, or covid. Treating the symptom is only going to get me so far when the underlying issue is still at work in my body, causing problems.

So why is that when people experience “negative” emotions they assume that’s where the problem stops? “Oh, I’m just jealous. Everyone feels that way sometimes.”

Just jealous? Why are you experiencing that emotion?  

Jealousy, like any other emotion, is merely the end result of a chain that starts somewhere in the brain and ends with a feeling. The question, as always, is where does it start, and how do we address the root cause?

There can be two ways to get there. The obvious one people give in to, is allowing their jealousy (or other feeling they don’t enjoy) to turn to anger at feeling bad and to throw that anger at their partner until what they are really upset about finally tumbles out from between their lips, if they get that far. My recommendation instead of choosing the destructive route is to take some time for introspection. Rather than allowing myself to act on a feeling of jealousy or frustration, irritation or anger, I spend time with it. I love it and caress it and talk to it for a while. Sometimes I even name it George. I ask it to show me what was bothering it, the way I would any friend who came to me with a problem. It is usually happy to accommodate my gentle coaxing in a way that doesn’t alienate my partner.

Because that’s really what all of this is about, isn’t it? Better, more positive communication, yes?  

Perhaps the root isn’t that my partner is spending time with someone else, perhaps it is because the time we’ve spent together seems less like quality time and more like two people on their phones. Perhaps I’m upset because I’m not feeling special, or maybe I’m even mistaking one emotional response for another. When envy is the feeling of wanting what someone else has and jealousy is the feeling of being afraid to lose what you already have, they are easily mistaken for one another. Throw in the concept of “fear of missing out” and that’s quite a tangled ball to unravel before getting the heart of things. Some people can’t go through this process alone, so for them I always suggest they have a kink / poly aware counselor help them untangle where those feelings are coming from.  

The important part is where you communicate these things to partners. Don’t freeze them out or pretend everything is okay. Let them know you’re working through stuff and you’ll let them know when you figure it out. Don’t take forever to do that, of course, or they will no longer trust your process. Continue to be affectionate while you sort out your shit. There’s no reason to punish them for your feelings. Once you’ve figured out what you need or desire in order to improve the situation, to address the root, be sure to do that in clear concise language, avoiding language which blames your partner. If you hadn’t – if you didn’t – when you make me feel. BZZZZZZZT! Nope. Try positive statements, such as I would like more attention, I’m feeling like I haven’t seen much of you lately, I want to feel important to you.

It can be easy to assume a feeling is its own issue as a standalone, but how often is that actually true? It is important for us to understand ourselves in order to effectively communicate that within the context of a relationship. The better we get at determining where these roots begin, the easier it will become to address those things before they begin to become bigger problems.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Communications Methods For Kinksters

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For the majority of the time I have been involved in the lifestyle, there has been a common theme amongst kinksters.  It is the belief that communication in the cornerstone of BDSM.  Anytime newer individuals ask for advice, we tend to repeat the same mantra.  

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Kink, and BDSM, allow us to delve deep into our darkest desires.  It often can leave you vulnerable and sometimes a little broken.  It can be cathartic when done right and dangerous when done wrong.  You can laugh and cry.  You can scream or moan.  You can curse, and growl, and talk in tongues.  You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do (within the lines of consent).

However, to get to a place of trust and security, to which you can achieve these things, you must communicate.

Unfortunately, I think there is one aspect we, as seasoned kinksters, often overlook when offering this kind of advice.

What happens if you don’t know how?  

What if you have learned (through past trauma) that your thoughts and opinions don’t matter?  What if you were trained to obey and never question?  What if you have low self-esteem and do not know how to express yourself to a partner?  Why if you are shy? What if your knowledge is limited and you do not know how to ask for help? What if you are overwhelmed by the endless possibilities?  

What if you cannot figure out how to navigate the commonplace answer that tells you, “kink is what you make it and it is never the same for two people?”  (And yes, while I agree this is an accurate description, it does nothing to help new individuals who are reaching out for advice).

How do you communicate?

My family has faced these challenges.  In fact, for the last year, we have had such a breakdown in communication with one partner, it has threatened the strength and security with our other partners.   

Three of us have learned to communicate.  We have learned to talk to each other logically.  We have learned to listen.  We know how to barter and negotiate.  We know how to trust.

We assumed our other partner knew how to as well.  We have learned, quite painfully, that they have not learned to express themselves in the same way that we do.  Our communication methods do not match, and because of that, we have been at odds for a long time.

Through much trial and error, we have come up with alternative methods of communication.  While it sometimes takes more effort on our part to understand what is trying to be said, it has opened the pathways for better understanding.

I wanted to share some of these methods with you, just in case you have been where I am.

1. Journaling— write down your thoughts, questions, wants, needs, desires, problems, triumphs, dreams, and nightmares.  They do not need to make sense.  Write as chaotic as your mind is. Put your thoughts to paper so they stop cluttering up your mind. If you wish to later, you can refer to it.  You can choose to have a partner read it or keep it for yourself.  Writing everything down allows you to reflect on your thoughts and feelings when your mind is clearer.

**I find that journaling is a technique often used in a D/s dynamic.  Master required I journal as well.  He rarely read it.  However, he wanted me to be able to track my own growth.  He still has me refer to it from time to time, just to see my own strength of character as well as how my own interests have changed/shaped my development as His submissive.

2) Writing/Emailing/Texting—I referenced writing above as a more “old-school” journaling aspect.  However, I am aware of how everything has turned digital now.  Regardless of what medium we use, sometimes it is just easier to not look someone in the face when you talk to them.  Whether you struggle to formulate your thoughts or experience anxiety when your words may upset a partner, writing it out, in any format listed above, gives you time to put the thoughts together concisely.  It allows you to add or remove bits and pieces until you are satisfied with what it is you are trying to say.  You can use it to express everything or just to get the conversation started.  It is a wonderful way to work up to face-to-face conversations.

**I do caution against relying solely on written communication.  It is often hard to read moods in text form and is negates the option of reading body language completely.  Both of those are important forms of communication for humans.

3) Share your playlist— have you ever had a song just resonate with you?  One that comes to mean more than just another song on the radio.  I have.  I use this method often.  I send the lyric videos so that they can read the words as they listen.  Most often, the genre of music doesn’t matter, it’s the message behind the music.

**If you need an example, go to YouTube and search “control” by Zoe Wees.  You will get a small glimpse into my mind.

**If you need a second example, search out “A little Piece of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold (it is definitely NSFW).  For those of you who follow my writings, you will remember a scene I wrote that involved listening to a song because it incites rage within me.  This is that song.

4) Be Clear Headed— Never discuss anything under the influence of high emotions.  Take a breather.  Come back to it when you are calm.  The same principle applies to any mind-altering substances.  Alcohol and recreational drugs can also cloud your judgement and will not aide in solving any issues that arise.

5) Listen— Sometimes all you need to do to communicate is to listen.  If everyone is trying to be heard, but nobody listens, nothing changes.  Listen, repeat back what you understand, rinse and repeat until you reach an understanding.

6) Recognize the Right to Privacy— There are things you discuss with one person, that may need to stay between just you two.  That is understandable.  We are adults.  This rule does more often apply to poly relationships but can refer to individuals who have multiple play partners, Service Tops, Friends with Benefits, or has an ex that they stay in contact with for whatever reason.

**Keep in mind, anything that is a danger to yourself or others should not be kept private.  It should be shared with the necessary individuals (such as doctors, police, etc) who can provide the help that person may need.  This is also true when talking about fluid bonding and the risks for STIs.

7) Patience— Remember, everyone processes things differently.  Some individuals may need you to repeat yourself, reword a sentence, or explain a definition.  This does not reflect badly on either one of you.  It simply means you each need to have care in how you say things.

8) Separate Topics– Keep the “good job” conversations separate from the “this needs work” ones.  Avoid the word “but” when possible.  

Example: 

I’m glad you did this but…

Thank you for that but….

You are such a good girl but….

I know you tried but…

**Each of these sentences will simply bring your partner down.  If your partner already struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, or mental health issues, this may lead them to just shut down and stop communicating all together.  

An Alternative Example:

I appreciate your help with the laundry today.  I wanted to make sure you are aware that we wash clothes on “cold” to prevent them from shrinking.

  • This is a legit conversation I had to have with someone.  They tried to do something nice by helping with the laundry.  My favorite shirt was dyed pink and half my clothes shrunk because they washed the load on hot.  I also ended up with an allergic reaction because they used the wrong detergent.  This does not negate that their heart was in the right place.  So, I thanked them and then calmly informed them of what to do the next time to prevent such issues.  While this may not be a major issue in your home, these principles can be applied to almost any situation.

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.  Communication is about two (or more) people sharing what is in their mind.  It is about listening and understanding.  Whether you are negotiating a kinky scene or figuring out what is for dinner, communication is key.  Regardless of how well some of us read body language and anticipate your needs, we are not mind readers.  If you do not know what you want and need, we won’t know either.

Take what you will from these options.  In the end, it doesn’t really matter how you communicate.  It simply matters that you are.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

This week in kink news: December 28, 2020

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Interested in swinging? Poly? Threesomes?

Then, check out this comprehensive list of the ten best swinging/poly/BDSM sites for couples!

Especially during a pandemic, it’s important to know all our virtual resources.

Click below to find out more from Detroit Metro Times!

Speaking of virtual resources, House of Taboo is a site with so much BDSM and fetish content.

Click below to learn more about what they offer, cost, the platform, etc from the daily dot!

If you’re into BDSM you’re bound to love House of Taboo

‘Secretary’ is often known for its BDSM and power exchange themes.

Many love it, some don’t. However, it was one of the first movies to shed light on organic power exchange formation and how BDSM can help improve mental health.

This week tune in for more info on the inner workings of this movie from Showbiz Cheatsheet!

‘Secretary’: Maggie Gyllenhaal Once Broke Down on the Set After Her Infamous Spanking Scene With James Spader

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Spicing Up Poly Relationships

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It takes two to tango, but with the proper consent and just the right amount of kink,  polyamorous relationships may just be one of the best ways to enjoy satisfying sex. 

Want to take it to another level? Want a different way to enjoy this type of sexual setup? Here are some hot suggestions to try out!

Role Plays

It all begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction. And when it comes to multiple partners, communication and chemistry are both equally important in getting that thrill.

Which is why role playing may just be the thing to level up this kink. Fancy being a dom? Talk with your partners on possibly living out this fantasy. Want to play out a particular scene that’s been bugging you ever since? Talk it out with your partners! Have you ever wanted to be someone (or something) when spending time with your partners? Maybe it’s time to plan and make these dreams into reality.

Role playing, when planned and done properly, can bring in a different kind of thrill even before the actual deed. Think of this as a mental form of foreplay—it’s a different approach to having some sexy time with your partners.

Bottom line is, proper and constant communication (which will always be an important trait in polyamorous relationships) is essential to fun and successful role plays. You want not only consent with your partners. Planning the setting (even your individual characters’ personalities) can even be a satisfying act that will make you and your partners look forward to the role play.

Costume Fun

Role plays can be enjoyed in a much more satisfying manner with the use of costumes. The clothes make the man (or woman), and taking off these articles of clothing is just part of some sexy-time fun.

Costumes are essential to getting into a particular character’s or role’s head. This rings true especially if your personality is the total opposite of the role you’re pursuing. Articles of clothing will help you get into the right mindset.

Additionally, certain costumes can be incorporated straight right into the sexual act. Do you dream of being a sub? Perhaps having some leather and straps built into your costume can prove your obedience to your masters.

Do you want to totally play the part of dominating your partners? Perhaps a cock sheath can give you the length, girth, and confidence for a whole new sexual experience. Women may also want to experiment with strap-ons, if the scene calls for a twist or two.

In a way, costumes are more than just clothing to play a certain character. Costumes build up toward a certain sexual goal. These clothes may just be another form of an interesting type of foreplay.

BDSM

Unleash sexual satisfaction among your partners through BDSM. Essentially a higher level of role-playing and costume play, BDSM introduces several forms of erotic enjoyment that you and your partners may seek their kinks from, such as collar play and spanking (there are, actually, a whole lot more).

What makes BDSM acts a higher level of sexual bliss is, ironically, the fact that some plays do not even involve any penetration at all. It’s all about the power play that makes these plays such an orgasmic activity—again, everything begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

An example is suspension bondage. Having your partner (or yourself) strapped and blatantly displayed in their glory requires a high level of trust and consent. The top takes pleasure in tying up partners; subs enjoy being willing toys for their masters to play with.

These displays of power offer an interesting take when it comes to multiple partners, which we’ll expound on below.

Experiment with Group Play

As we’ve mentioned earlier, trust, communication, and consent are important in making polyamorous relationships work. The first three suggestions on spicing up these types of relationships all revolve around open communication.

Now, take everything together, and talk to your partners about doing something fun together. Doing a scene together with multiple partners may be so satisfying, just as long proper consent and rules are set beforehand.

Additionally, this approach may require some experimentation. Going with the group dynamics, would you and your partners be open to LGBTQIA+ setups? How far are you and your partners willing to go with these scenes? Are there any limitations that any one of you would like to discuss?

And this is just why it would be best to sit down and talk with all your partners. You’ll want everyone to know what you want out of these fantasies. You’ll want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to getting really good sex. You want everyone not only to be satisfied but also to be both comfortable and safe with these activities.

Best of all, you’ll want to find out what they think of these kinks you have. Who knows, they may even have better suggestions in mind. The thing is, what you’re after is not only everyone’s consent. Everyone enjoys something if everyone can be true to one another. Now, that is the key to wonderful and hot polyamorous relationships.

Talk It Out

The most important aspect of getting the best sexual kinks from polyamorous relationships is to openly communicate your desires. You won’t get something for nothing. Your fantasies will remain your dreams if you won’t act on them.

Like consent and trust, respect plays an important part when discussing sexual matters with your partners. Your kinks may not be of interest to some, and that is okay. Learn how to listen, and realize that others may have other kinks they want to live out. 

When you learn to open up, listen with grace when your partners open up about their interests; you may just find yourself willing to try new things. And isn’t that an exciting way to enjoy sex? Take some time to talk things over with your partners—that just maybe one of the best things you’ll do in your life.

In her 30s and married, Jennifer McKinnon writes mainly on sexual health for the Enhanced Male and other websites. Jennifer’s goal is to promote better sexual awareness by being self-aware and practicing responsible sex.

Conversations Around Mental Health

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These times, am I right? If you’d asked me five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the person I am today, let alone that this is what my daily life would look like. That’s a difficult thing for just about anyone, let alone overplanners like me.

I’ve always been someone who is pretty even-tempered. Most of my friends have never seen me angry, and I’m often the cheerful one. My partner and I don’t have many areas where friction is likely to occur, and on the off chance that some does, we have systems in our D/s that are designed to handle them.

It’s a good life.

I set this up not to brag, but to make it clear that my struggles with mental health issues since March have been unexpected and completely new territory for us as partners, and for us in the larger framework of our poly sphere. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had issues in my life which needed addressing, but anxiety, depression and other spectres which can be treated chemically were virtual unknowns.

The pandemic has been a learning experience for me, for us, in so many ways. I have the ability to work remotely. It limits my income and my hours, but I made that transition mid-March, shortly after spring break, when my partner also made the transition. We went from seeing one another a few hours every day to sharing office space every single day. That feels as though it requires emphasis. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve read articles that say part of our (as a society) difficulties in relationships are partly because of high stress levels which make people more agitated and partly because when we never leave one another, we can’t miss each other. We don’t have those times to reminisce about the good qualities our partners have, just the constant annoyances.

I’ve been lucky in that area. My nesting partner has few qualities I find obnoxious, so my main struggles have been with fear. I fear the unknown, I fear him contracting the virus and dying, I fear death, and I am afraid of what tomorrow will look like.

In the beginning, that made getting out of bed difficult. I found myself trying to sleep more, or burying my head in a mindless phone game to avoid having to think too much, since thinking always led back to the inevitable unknown. It was a pretty vicious cycle. I devoured news articles since for me, knowlege tends to help me feel more in-control. My partner saw that I was not okay. He began limiting my news intake by making me take time off from those things, hoping to help me find a more even keel. I was having small anxiety attacks when I grocery shopped, so he began finding delivery options that limited my interactions outside of the house. His other partner was isolating for weeks before coming to see him to make sure she wasn’t bringing deadly germs into the house. iMy anxiety levels were off the charts and I had no idea what to do. He saw that I was less productive, but it can be difficult enough to admit to ourselves when we’re not fine, let alone finding the words to admit it to someone else.

It wasn’t until the dam broke that I reached out for help. I had made it through a month and a half of the stormy seas of heightened anxiety when we learned that my daughter would have to return to work in a job which required her to come into physical contact with other people. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and finally called my general practitioner seeking some kind of medicinal intervention. He prescribed a stopgap, and I finally had to sit down with my partner and try to put my feelings into words.

We moved out that weekend, into a living situation which better lent itself to isolating. We collected the vulnerable members of our family and shored up against outsiders. We left my daughter in our house, and I only had to take the anxiety meds when I left the house to collect groceries. We waited for any word that masks were effective, finally running across a test case of live exposure with the potential for superspread, only to have it bumped from the news. We searched for weeks for more information, relieved beyond measure when it came. It was finally safe to return home.

Going home didn’t mean my anxiety was gone. It meant my partner had to keep an eye on me for signs that I might need to medicate. I explored other possibilities, such as counseling, but talking about my anxieties only served to exacerbate them.

My partner began scheduling time for us in a friend’s pool. It was the most human interaction outside of one another that we’d had for months. We’d go swim, and it was like the stress and anxiety melted away, giving us back our humanity for just a little while. It was like lancing a wound – the poison seeped out. It wasn’t healed, but it improved dramatically.

We’ve had to find ways to steal pieces of “normal.” We’ve found that being able to do so safely has been hugely important to my mental health. As it got cold enough that the pool was less attractive, we moved to the occasional indoor game night with those friends, who were also isolating. We added two other friends to our QuaranTeam, our Perv Pod, and we made arrangements to attend our local dungeon together. The space seemed awfully empty, but before too long, the delicious sounds of four bottoms screeching at non-regular intervals and the cracks of whips and sounds of other impact filled the space in ways our physical presence could not.

Our vacation was cancelled, unsurprisingly. So we made plans with that same group to rent a house on the water down south, drove in a caravan, stopped for groceries, and spent a few days taking turns with cooking, playing board games, and fishing off of the back deck of the house. We are finding ways to regain our joy.

I still have to take my anxiety meds. My Dominant makes sure to keep track of how often I need them, and if it starts becoming more frequent, to check on my mental state more regularly. He’s relaxed some rules for the duration of this – I’m allowed more stuffies in the bed as long as the pile stays on my side, and he let me get a new wardrobe of super fluffy pajama pants to work in.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I try not to think too hard about that. We’re tentatively planning Thanksgiving with our Germ Pod. Even though I cried when I realized the rest of my family wouldn’t be able to join us, it’s better than it could be, and better than it was back in early June.

I know it can be hard to admit it, but it is so important to ccommunicate mental health challenges to partners. There are so many resources out there, help is available. It just takes sliding one foot forward for that very first step. ‘

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.