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Communications Methods For Kinksters

January 17, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

For the majority of the time I have been involved in the lifestyle, there has been a common theme amongst kinksters.  It is the belief that communication in the cornerstone of BDSM.  Anytime newer individuals ask for advice, we tend to repeat the same mantra.  

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Kink, and BDSM, allow us to delve deep into our darkest desires.  It often can leave you vulnerable and sometimes a little broken.  It can be cathartic when done right and dangerous when done wrong.  You can laugh and cry.  You can scream or moan.  You can curse, and growl, and talk in tongues.  You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do (within the lines of consent).

However, to get to a place of trust and security, to which you can achieve these things, you must communicate.

Unfortunately, I think there is one aspect we, as seasoned kinksters, often overlook when offering this kind of advice.

What happens if you don’t know how?  

What if you have learned (through past trauma) that your thoughts and opinions don’t matter?  What if you were trained to obey and never question?  What if you have low self-esteem and do not know how to express yourself to a partner?  Why if you are shy? What if your knowledge is limited and you do not know how to ask for help? What if you are overwhelmed by the endless possibilities?  

What if you cannot figure out how to navigate the commonplace answer that tells you, “kink is what you make it and it is never the same for two people?”  (And yes, while I agree this is an accurate description, it does nothing to help new individuals who are reaching out for advice).

How do you communicate?

My family has faced these challenges.  In fact, for the last year, we have had such a breakdown in communication with one partner, it has threatened the strength and security with our other partners.   

Three of us have learned to communicate.  We have learned to talk to each other logically.  We have learned to listen.  We know how to barter and negotiate.  We know how to trust.

We assumed our other partner knew how to as well.  We have learned, quite painfully, that they have not learned to express themselves in the same way that we do.  Our communication methods do not match, and because of that, we have been at odds for a long time.

Through much trial and error, we have come up with alternative methods of communication.  While it sometimes takes more effort on our part to understand what is trying to be said, it has opened the pathways for better understanding.

I wanted to share some of these methods with you, just in case you have been where I am.

1. Journaling— write down your thoughts, questions, wants, needs, desires, problems, triumphs, dreams, and nightmares.  They do not need to make sense.  Write as chaotic as your mind is. Put your thoughts to paper so they stop cluttering up your mind. If you wish to later, you can refer to it.  You can choose to have a partner read it or keep it for yourself.  Writing everything down allows you to reflect on your thoughts and feelings when your mind is clearer.

**I find that journaling is a technique often used in a D/s dynamic.  Master required I journal as well.  He rarely read it.  However, he wanted me to be able to track my own growth.  He still has me refer to it from time to time, just to see my own strength of character as well as how my own interests have changed/shaped my development as His submissive.

2) Writing/Emailing/Texting—I referenced writing above as a more “old-school” journaling aspect.  However, I am aware of how everything has turned digital now.  Regardless of what medium we use, sometimes it is just easier to not look someone in the face when you talk to them.  Whether you struggle to formulate your thoughts or experience anxiety when your words may upset a partner, writing it out, in any format listed above, gives you time to put the thoughts together concisely.  It allows you to add or remove bits and pieces until you are satisfied with what it is you are trying to say.  You can use it to express everything or just to get the conversation started.  It is a wonderful way to work up to face-to-face conversations.

**I do caution against relying solely on written communication.  It is often hard to read moods in text form and is negates the option of reading body language completely.  Both of those are important forms of communication for humans.

3) Share your playlist— have you ever had a song just resonate with you?  One that comes to mean more than just another song on the radio.  I have.  I use this method often.  I send the lyric videos so that they can read the words as they listen.  Most often, the genre of music doesn’t matter, it’s the message behind the music.

**If you need an example, go to YouTube and search “control” by Zoe Wees.  You will get a small glimpse into my mind.

**If you need a second example, search out “A little Piece of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold (it is definitely NSFW).  For those of you who follow my writings, you will remember a scene I wrote that involved listening to a song because it incites rage within me.  This is that song.

4) Be Clear Headed— Never discuss anything under the influence of high emotions.  Take a breather.  Come back to it when you are calm.  The same principle applies to any mind-altering substances.  Alcohol and recreational drugs can also cloud your judgement and will not aide in solving any issues that arise.

5) Listen— Sometimes all you need to do to communicate is to listen.  If everyone is trying to be heard, but nobody listens, nothing changes.  Listen, repeat back what you understand, rinse and repeat until you reach an understanding.

6) Recognize the Right to Privacy— There are things you discuss with one person, that may need to stay between just you two.  That is understandable.  We are adults.  This rule does more often apply to poly relationships but can refer to individuals who have multiple play partners, Service Tops, Friends with Benefits, or has an ex that they stay in contact with for whatever reason.

**Keep in mind, anything that is a danger to yourself or others should not be kept private.  It should be shared with the necessary individuals (such as doctors, police, etc) who can provide the help that person may need.  This is also true when talking about fluid bonding and the risks for STIs.

7) Patience— Remember, everyone processes things differently.  Some individuals may need you to repeat yourself, reword a sentence, or explain a definition.  This does not reflect badly on either one of you.  It simply means you each need to have care in how you say things.

8) Separate Topics– Keep the “good job” conversations separate from the “this needs work” ones.  Avoid the word “but” when possible.  

Example: 

I’m glad you did this but…

Thank you for that but….

You are such a good girl but….

I know you tried but…

**Each of these sentences will simply bring your partner down.  If your partner already struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, or mental health issues, this may lead them to just shut down and stop communicating all together.  

An Alternative Example:

I appreciate your help with the laundry today.  I wanted to make sure you are aware that we wash clothes on “cold” to prevent them from shrinking.

  • This is a legit conversation I had to have with someone.  They tried to do something nice by helping with the laundry.  My favorite shirt was dyed pink and half my clothes shrunk because they washed the load on hot.  I also ended up with an allergic reaction because they used the wrong detergent.  This does not negate that their heart was in the right place.  So, I thanked them and then calmly informed them of what to do the next time to prevent such issues.  While this may not be a major issue in your home, these principles can be applied to almost any situation.

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.  Communication is about two (or more) people sharing what is in their mind.  It is about listening and understanding.  Whether you are negotiating a kinky scene or figuring out what is for dinner, communication is key.  Regardless of how well some of us read body language and anticipate your needs, we are not mind readers.  If you do not know what you want and need, we won’t know either.

Take what you will from these options.  In the end, it doesn’t really matter how you communicate.  It simply matters that you are.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm communication, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, communication, consent, negotiation, play partner, poly dating, poly relationships, polyamory

This week in kink news: December 28, 2020

December 27, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Interested in swinging? Poly? Threesomes?

Then, check out this comprehensive list of the ten best swinging/poly/BDSM sites for couples!

Especially during a pandemic, it’s important to know all our virtual resources.

Click below to find out more from Detroit Metro Times!

12+ Best Swinger Dating Sites For Couples: Find Group Sex and Threesomes
In today's day and age, people are becoming more interested in exploring alternative relationship styles. It's not uncommon to see polyamorous couples, open couples, or…
Detroit Metro Times | https://thirstydates.com/

Speaking of virtual resources, House of Taboo is a site with so much BDSM and fetish content.

Click below to learn more about what they offer, cost, the platform, etc from the daily dot!

If you’re into BDSM you’re bound to love House of Taboo

‘Secretary’ is often known for its BDSM and power exchange themes.

Many love it, some don’t. However, it was one of the first movies to shed light on organic power exchange formation and how BDSM can help improve mental health.

This week tune in for more info on the inner workings of this movie from Showbiz Cheatsheet!

‘Secretary’: Maggie Gyllenhaal Once Broke Down on the Set After Her Infamous Spanking Scene With James Spader

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm play, bdsm scene, fetish, kink, poly relationships, polyamory, porn, power exchange, sex, swinging

Spicing Up Poly Relationships

December 19, 2020 By Jennifer McKinnon 2 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

It takes two to tango, but with the proper consent and just the right amount of kink,  polyamorous relationships may just be one of the best ways to enjoy satisfying sex. 

Want to take it to another level? Want a different way to enjoy this type of sexual setup? Here are some hot suggestions to try out!

Role Plays

It all begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction. And when it comes to multiple partners, communication and chemistry are both equally important in getting that thrill.

Which is why role playing may just be the thing to level up this kink. Fancy being a dom? Talk with your partners on possibly living out this fantasy. Want to play out a particular scene that’s been bugging you ever since? Talk it out with your partners! Have you ever wanted to be someone (or something) when spending time with your partners? Maybe it’s time to plan and make these dreams into reality.

Role playing, when planned and done properly, can bring in a different kind of thrill even before the actual deed. Think of this as a mental form of foreplay—it’s a different approach to having some sexy time with your partners.

Bottom line is, proper and constant communication (which will always be an important trait in polyamorous relationships) is essential to fun and successful role plays. You want not only consent with your partners. Planning the setting (even your individual characters’ personalities) can even be a satisfying act that will make you and your partners look forward to the role play.

Costume Fun

Role plays can be enjoyed in a much more satisfying manner with the use of costumes. The clothes make the man (or woman), and taking off these articles of clothing is just part of some sexy-time fun.

Costumes are essential to getting into a particular character’s or role’s head. This rings true especially if your personality is the total opposite of the role you’re pursuing. Articles of clothing will help you get into the right mindset.

Additionally, certain costumes can be incorporated straight right into the sexual act. Do you dream of being a sub? Perhaps having some leather and straps built into your costume can prove your obedience to your masters.

Do you want to totally play the part of dominating your partners? Perhaps a cock sheath can give you the length, girth, and confidence for a whole new sexual experience. Women may also want to experiment with strap-ons, if the scene calls for a twist or two.

In a way, costumes are more than just clothing to play a certain character. Costumes build up toward a certain sexual goal. These clothes may just be another form of an interesting type of foreplay.

BDSM

Unleash sexual satisfaction among your partners through BDSM. Essentially a higher level of role-playing and costume play, BDSM introduces several forms of erotic enjoyment that you and your partners may seek their kinks from, such as collar play and spanking (there are, actually, a whole lot more).

What makes BDSM acts a higher level of sexual bliss is, ironically, the fact that some plays do not even involve any penetration at all. It’s all about the power play that makes these plays such an orgasmic activity—again, everything begins in the mind when it comes to sexual satisfaction.

An example is suspension bondage. Having your partner (or yourself) strapped and blatantly displayed in their glory requires a high level of trust and consent. The top takes pleasure in tying up partners; subs enjoy being willing toys for their masters to play with.

These displays of power offer an interesting take when it comes to multiple partners, which we’ll expound on below.

Experiment with Group Play

As we’ve mentioned earlier, trust, communication, and consent are important in making polyamorous relationships work. The first three suggestions on spicing up these types of relationships all revolve around open communication.

Now, take everything together, and talk to your partners about doing something fun together. Doing a scene together with multiple partners may be so satisfying, just as long proper consent and rules are set beforehand.

Additionally, this approach may require some experimentation. Going with the group dynamics, would you and your partners be open to LGBTQIA+ setups? How far are you and your partners willing to go with these scenes? Are there any limitations that any one of you would like to discuss?

And this is just why it would be best to sit down and talk with all your partners. You’ll want everyone to know what you want out of these fantasies. You’ll want to be as transparent as possible when it comes to getting really good sex. You want everyone not only to be satisfied but also to be both comfortable and safe with these activities.

Best of all, you’ll want to find out what they think of these kinks you have. Who knows, they may even have better suggestions in mind. The thing is, what you’re after is not only everyone’s consent. Everyone enjoys something if everyone can be true to one another. Now, that is the key to wonderful and hot polyamorous relationships.

Talk It Out

The most important aspect of getting the best sexual kinks from polyamorous relationships is to openly communicate your desires. You won’t get something for nothing. Your fantasies will remain your dreams if you won’t act on them.

Like consent and trust, respect plays an important part when discussing sexual matters with your partners. Your kinks may not be of interest to some, and that is okay. Learn how to listen, and realize that others may have other kinks they want to live out. 

When you learn to open up, listen with grace when your partners open up about their interests; you may just find yourself willing to try new things. And isn’t that an exciting way to enjoy sex? Take some time to talk things over with your partners—that just maybe one of the best things you’ll do in your life.


In her 30s and married, Jennifer McKinnon writes mainly on sexual health for the Enhanced Male and other websites. Jennifer’s goal is to promote better sexual awareness by being self-aware and practicing responsible sex.

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, ethical non-monogamy, group sex, poly relationships, polyamory, sex

Conversations Around Mental Health

November 22, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 3 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

These times, am I right? If you’d asked me five years ago, I couldn’t have imagined the person I am today, let alone that this is what my daily life would look like. That’s a difficult thing for just about anyone, let alone overplanners like me.

I’ve always been someone who is pretty even-tempered. Most of my friends have never seen me angry, and I’m often the cheerful one. My partner and I don’t have many areas where friction is likely to occur, and on the off chance that some does, we have systems in our D/s that are designed to handle them.

It’s a good life.

I set this up not to brag, but to make it clear that my struggles with mental health issues since March have been unexpected and completely new territory for us as partners, and for us in the larger framework of our poly sphere. This isn’t to say that I haven’t had issues in my life which needed addressing, but anxiety, depression and other spectres which can be treated chemically were virtual unknowns.

The pandemic has been a learning experience for me, for us, in so many ways. I have the ability to work remotely. It limits my income and my hours, but I made that transition mid-March, shortly after spring break, when my partner also made the transition. We went from seeing one another a few hours every day to sharing office space every single day. That feels as though it requires emphasis. Every. Single. Day.

I’ve read articles that say part of our (as a society) difficulties in relationships are partly because of high stress levels which make people more agitated and partly because when we never leave one another, we can’t miss each other. We don’t have those times to reminisce about the good qualities our partners have, just the constant annoyances.

I’ve been lucky in that area. My nesting partner has few qualities I find obnoxious, so my main struggles have been with fear. I fear the unknown, I fear him contracting the virus and dying, I fear death, and I am afraid of what tomorrow will look like.

In the beginning, that made getting out of bed difficult. I found myself trying to sleep more, or burying my head in a mindless phone game to avoid having to think too much, since thinking always led back to the inevitable unknown. It was a pretty vicious cycle. I devoured news articles since for me, knowlege tends to help me feel more in-control. My partner saw that I was not okay. He began limiting my news intake by making me take time off from those things, hoping to help me find a more even keel. I was having small anxiety attacks when I grocery shopped, so he began finding delivery options that limited my interactions outside of the house. His other partner was isolating for weeks before coming to see him to make sure she wasn’t bringing deadly germs into the house. iMy anxiety levels were off the charts and I had no idea what to do. He saw that I was less productive, but it can be difficult enough to admit to ourselves when we’re not fine, let alone finding the words to admit it to someone else.

It wasn’t until the dam broke that I reached out for help. I had made it through a month and a half of the stormy seas of heightened anxiety when we learned that my daughter would have to return to work in a job which required her to come into physical contact with other people. I started crying and I couldn’t stop, and finally called my general practitioner seeking some kind of medicinal intervention. He prescribed a stopgap, and I finally had to sit down with my partner and try to put my feelings into words.

We moved out that weekend, into a living situation which better lent itself to isolating. We collected the vulnerable members of our family and shored up against outsiders. We left my daughter in our house, and I only had to take the anxiety meds when I left the house to collect groceries. We waited for any word that masks were effective, finally running across a test case of live exposure with the potential for superspread, only to have it bumped from the news. We searched for weeks for more information, relieved beyond measure when it came. It was finally safe to return home.

Going home didn’t mean my anxiety was gone. It meant my partner had to keep an eye on me for signs that I might need to medicate. I explored other possibilities, such as counseling, but talking about my anxieties only served to exacerbate them.

My partner began scheduling time for us in a friend’s pool. It was the most human interaction outside of one another that we’d had for months. We’d go swim, and it was like the stress and anxiety melted away, giving us back our humanity for just a little while. It was like lancing a wound – the poison seeped out. It wasn’t healed, but it improved dramatically.

We’ve had to find ways to steal pieces of “normal.” We’ve found that being able to do so safely has been hugely important to my mental health. As it got cold enough that the pool was less attractive, we moved to the occasional indoor game night with those friends, who were also isolating. We added two other friends to our QuaranTeam, our Perv Pod, and we made arrangements to attend our local dungeon together. The space seemed awfully empty, but before too long, the delicious sounds of four bottoms screeching at non-regular intervals and the cracks of whips and sounds of other impact filled the space in ways our physical presence could not.

Our vacation was cancelled, unsurprisingly. So we made plans with that same group to rent a house on the water down south, drove in a caravan, stopped for groceries, and spent a few days taking turns with cooking, playing board games, and fishing off of the back deck of the house. We are finding ways to regain our joy.

I still have to take my anxiety meds. My Dominant makes sure to keep track of how often I need them, and if it starts becoming more frequent, to check on my mental state more regularly. He’s relaxed some rules for the duration of this – I’m allowed more stuffies in the bed as long as the pile stays on my side, and he let me get a new wardrobe of super fluffy pajama pants to work in.

I still don’t know what tomorrow will look like. I try not to think too hard about that. We’re tentatively planning Thanksgiving with our Germ Pod. Even though I cried when I realized the rest of my family wouldn’t be able to join us, it’s better than it could be, and better than it was back in early June.

I know it can be hard to admit it, but it is so important to ccommunicate mental health challenges to partners. There are so many resources out there, help is available. It just takes sliding one foot forward for that very first step. ‘


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, boundaries, communication, mental health, poly dating, poly family, poly relationships, polyamory, relationship management, solo polyamory

This week in kink: November 23, 2020

November 22, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Especially during a pandemic, it’s extremely difficult to meet other like-minded people.

Because of this, more and more folks are turning to online dating apps.

Curious about online dating? Want to know about the best kink-friendly dating platforms?

Then click below to read this informative article brought to us by yahoo! life!

6 Kinky Dating Apps to Download If BDSM Is Your Thing
Because being sexually adventurous = totally healthy and normal.
www.yahoo.com

Interested in the creepy?

Then check out this abandoned swingers club that shut its doors in 2007.

Daily Star shows us what’s leftover over from this once popping sex club.

Click below to find out more!

Inside spooky abandoned swingers club with BDSM tables and dungeons
Dom Jennings has put some creepy images together after popping into the Staffordshire building which shut its doors in 2007 – and he shows us what he stumbled across on his visits
Dailystar.co.uk | Dan Coles

Covid-19 has continued to affect most industries and the Sex Work Industry is no different!

Don’t miss Westword’s take on the current state of Denver’s Sex Work Businesses due to the pandemic.

Click below to find out more!

Rough Trade: COVID-19 Has Put Denver's BDSM Businesses in a Bind
The city's kink community has found itself in a financial bind.
Westword | Kyle Harris

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, online dating, onlyfans, polyamory, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sex workers, sexual fantasy, swingers

This week in kink news: October 26, 2020

October 24, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Don’t miss the riveting story of how Ms. Vivienne became a dominatrix.

She gets real and personal when sharing her story. Furthermore, she explains her view of sex work and how it has changed her life for the better.

Click below to read more from The Independent!

I became a financial dominatrix because I couldn't afford my insulin
In the year I’ve been in the industry, I’ve learned a lot about myself, my values, goals, and interests. My mom knows. I’ve become a better, more emotionally intelligent person. And I understand men in a much better way I did before
The Independent

Curous to learn the top five sexual fantasies amidst the general public?

Articles like this can help us see that we aren’t as “demented” as we may think we are, and that we aren’t as alone as we may think we are either.

Click below to learn more from News Patrolling!

5 Most Common Sexual Fantasies

Upscale, NY, sex club decides to have a Black Death-themed Halloween party.

We, here at Kink Weekly, know that everyone has their own comfortability regarding quaratine practices.

Decide for youself about this party by reading Oli Coleman’s article!

https://pagesix.com/2020/10/12/upscale-sex-club-snctm-plots-black-death-themed-halloween-party/


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, consent, dominatrix, ethical non-monogamy, fetish, kink, orgy, polyamory, power exchange, sex, sex club, Sex Work Community, sex workers, sexual fantasy, submission

When Your Poly Feels Like A House Of Cards

October 17, 2020 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

poly triad, beautiful people
via stock.adobe.com

There is a great deal of therapy in sharing myself with you.  It requires me to think carefully about myself, and often confront feelings and ideas that I have struggled with.

I have never written for the benefit of others.  I write because it gives me clarity.  I write because I am my own worst opponent.  I write as a way to listen to myself.

But I started being honest and transparent as a benefit to others.

I have spoken openly that I spent my younger years being a mediator.  In fact, looking back, the only reason I had friends was because I was beneficial to them.  I would cover for their lies, soothe the feathers of those who were offended, and offer ideas free of charge.  I did not start drama, nor did I perpetuate it.

I simply spent my life trying to be useful.

Why?  

Because my biggest fundamental flaw is the core belief I hold.  It is burned upon the walls of my mind, stamped by the hottest iron.  

“I am measured by my usefulness.  When I cease to be useful, then I will be thrown out like trash.”

That is one of three toxic beliefs that I own.  Welcome to my logical world.  I am aware of my toxic beliefs and traits.  I know where my anxiety is from and why I feel and think as I do.

I just do not have the tools to change it.

Yet.

As I have written before, my Master and my wife have been cornerstones in helping me learn to cope, and how to be myself without judgement.  They have taught me that it is ok to be opinionated and boisterous, to have quiet, withdrawn days, to be outgoing and friendly, or to just be alone.  They have taught me that my own expectations are the most important.  My dynamic with Master and my marriage to my wife develop and grow as I do.  

That which grows must be cultivated.

That which you neglect, will wither.

That which withers cannot always be saved.

My house is built on a foundation of four.  

We are a closed, polyquad consisting of two married couples.  This means that we all have relationships with each other and none outside of our “core.”

Core- this is my word to represent the four of us.  

As I have built my foundation, here is how it works.

I have a 24/7 D/s dynamic with Master.  I am his collared submissive and we engage in a Power exchange relationship.  This dynamic does not exist for either of us with either of our other partners.

I am married to wife B.  She was my first girlfriend and we have been together for 12 years now.  We have explored all sorts of dynamics and found our happiness in just going with the flow.  We want to roleplay tonight? Sweet.  We want to sit naked and play Xbox? Awesome.  We want to go to an all you can eat sushi place and gossip?  Perfect, I’ll get the car.  

Wife B also has DID.  So, for one of her alters, I am Diddy.  She is four.  I take care of her like any parent.  She makes me laugh a lot.  We do a lot of Xbox, coloring, and lately, puzzles.  She is energetic and always excited to tell me about her day.  She is my pride and joy.

I consider these two relationships very strong.  I feel we compliment each other and help each other with personal growth.

But that leaves one person out, doesn’t it?

I told you I built my foundation on four people.  Often, I only ever mention two plus myself.  If I passed elementary math, 2+1=3.

Three is less than four.

So, where is number four?

I have been asking the same thing…for quite a long time.

Maybe, if I tell you our story, you can help me find her.

I met wife A (who is married to Master) at work.  She was kind, bubbly, and had a very familial feeling to her.  In fact, many called her mom at work.  We were acquaintances for a few months.  We talked very little of things outside of work.

Then, one day, I was sitting in our office and she is talking to me and her speech is…off.  I can tell she is upset.  So, I asked.  

And the floodgates opened.

There, before me, was a woman sobbing because her husband was diagnosed with cancer.  She had a preteen and a couple of dogs, but most of the family lives elsewhere.

So, I told her to take some time and if she needed to talk, I’d listen.

In fact, she did talk to me.  She even invited me over to play cards.  I was invited to the bar to meet her husband and a few friends of theirs.  It was some of the first connections I made after moving out here.  My family is two states away and my wife’s is all on the East Coast.  It was nice to be a part of something…even if I didn’t know her husband’s name for near seven months after hanging out.  

My wife started house sitting for them when He had treatments.  What started as two days of staying over led to a week.  Then two.  Then, at one point, we barely left.  I paid rent for eight months on an apartment I never went to….just to finish my lease.

Then, one night, about a year or so after I met her, the four of us had a night of drinking to celebrate His remission.  Somewhere, between drink two and four, we broke all the poly rules.

Someone made a joke about how much time we spent together.  One of us commented that we might as well be dating.  It’s all a little blurry to be honest.

Two weeks later, we negotiated the rules for our polyquad.

None of us had successfully been poly prior.  Several had issues with cheating or being cheated on.  

But we all consented.

So, what the hell, why not?

Friendly PSA: please do not use this story as a how-to for poly.  It is not, in any way, a good reference for the average individual

Three months later, my wife and I had to leave our apartment due to a toxic situation with a roommate.  They gave us a place to stay.  Seven days to Christmas, we moved in.  We were set to stay only until tax time.  Then, when tax time came, we talked it through, and decided to make the situation permanent.

We have been together ever since.

But, somewhere on this journey, wife A and I got lost.  She took a left and I didn’t.  

So, now, we are strangers.  We are strangers to each other and strangers in our relationship.

But, she’s still Master’s wife.

There are a lot of reasons that her and I are disconnected.

She has had some long-term medical issues.  I work a lot.  She struggles with communicating and I lack general sympathy.  I work long, odd hours and our schedules rarely meet.  We both have mental health issues.  We have different love languages.

But, the more I list it out, the more I hear excuses.  

The truth it, we stopped trying.  While she was wrapped up in her medical issues and struggled to communicate, I felt pushed away and I stopped listening.

I became bitter and disillusioned.  I wanted the relationship to come as naturally as it did with my other two partners.  I wanted her to see all the little things and be as observant as I am.  I wanted things she has not learned how to give.  And instead of showing patience, I cut myself off.

Because I was scared.

What if it didn’t work?  Would I lose everyone else in the process?  Would I be left alone because I couldn’t listen, or help her get better, or be patient enough?

Would I be considered “useless” if I failed?

Useless things get thrown out.

So, I chose to separate us.  I worked hard on my relationships with Master and wife B.  I stayed out of Wife A”s way.  I made sure I never asked for time with Master if she was home, so I wouldn’t be in the way.  I made sure I never made plans on days off from work just in case things had to change.  I made sure I did not argue, or disagree, with her so I wouldn’t cause problems.

I did everything I could to become invisible.  Exactly like I felt.

Because I was bitter at being pushed away.  And I was hurt that I felt she was not listening when I spoke.  After a while, I gave up.

I stopped being understanding that she was dealing with chronic medical problems and mental health.  I stopped giving her the benefit of doubt that I afforded my other spouses.

And the silence between is has become the Berlin Wall.

It separates us so firmly that we are never in the same room…even when we are inches apart.  We stopped listening.  We stopped watching.  We stopped caring.

I love her.  I can say that with absolute certainty.

But we are strangers.

Now, after two years of everything breaking down, I’m staring at her through the broken lens of my camera and I’m trying to capture what we had.

I think, that is why we are struggling.

Every moment, big and small, shapes who we are.  I’ve learned, through a lot of betrayal, that functioning with minimal emotion, and a guarded heart, gets me the farthest in life.

It allows me to be logical and understanding.  It does not make me the best wife, however.

In fact, my emotional range, led me to a point in my own marriage, where wife B told me, “I love you, I just don’t know if I’m in love with you anymore.”

Those are the hardest words I have ever had to hear.  But they got my ass to listen.

And reflect.

And change.

Now, I am hoping that those same words, that once burned and broke me, can help me find wife A and allow us to try again.

This time, I have the support of two partners, whom I consider myself to have strong relationships with.

Maybe, just maybe, her and I will learn we are not alone anymore.

We have people to lean on.  We have people who want what is best for us.  We have people who will tell us honestly when we fuck up.

I know one thing for sure.

I am not looking for nor expecting an apology.

I am looking for a stranger to join me at the table and help me build back up my house of cards.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: communication, ethical non-monogamy, poly relationships, polyamory, solo polyamory, swingers, swinging, triads

This week in kink: October 12, 2020

October 10, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

Is there a correlation between increased BDSM business and the Trump administration?

Is the social and political climate impacting people’s sexual desires?

Has the pandemic been a catalyst for an increase in kink?

Mistress Iris answers all of these thought-provoking questions in this riveting article brought to us by the Daily Beast!

Click below to read more!

https://www.thedailybeast.com/a-dominatrix-on-why-bdsm-business-is-booming-during-trump-and-covid?ref=scroll


Australia’s best nudist resort hits the market after 20 years!

The owner wants to move to Thailand.

They offer a wide variety of classes, sexy accomodations, tantric massages, and so much more!

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Australia’s best nudist retreat is hitting the market for the first time in 20 years

Love erotic photography?

If so, check out the amazing work of Mark McKnight!

His images touch on the positivity and vibrance that comes with expressing one’s sexuality to another individual. His work is quite moving, and has a sensual/sweet and naughty flare all at the same time.

Click below to find out more!

The Pornographic High Art of Photographer Mark McKnight
How can these images be both so filthy and so clean?
GQ | Garth Greenwell

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, dominatrix, erotic massage, erotic photography, erotica, ethical non-monogamy, fetish, kink, nudist, polyamory, sex, Sex Work Community, sex worker rights, sex workers, tantric sex

R-E-S-P-E-C-T In Polyamory

October 4, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

You don’t have to like your metamour, but ideally you should respect each other

Polyamory can have its ups and downs. One of the greatest external support functions I’ve found that generally tends to come into play when polycules start to grow has been some type of shared calendar. Some will swear by regular ol’ google calendar, others by shared OneNote files or Dropbox or Google Drive folders. Much like the practice of poly, there’s no one agreed-upon way to share schedules and facilitate polycule communication.
What does seem more of a common ground is a desire I often see individuals have for other members of their polycule to have respect for their relationship/s. The problem, as I see it, is how one defines the word respect. I heartily suggest that however one might define it, that the definition is shared amongst metas and partners. Understanding what a person considers to be respectful can often help others from crossing that boundary. That isn’t to say that misunderstandings won’t still occur, but firmly establishing personally held definitions of what disrespect looks like can be extraordinarily helpful.

Let’s play with some examples. I happen to feel that as my D-type’s nesting partner, it is my job to create space for his other partners. If I choose instead to monopolize his time and schedule things in such a manner that they have no space at all in which to attempt to squeeze their own schedules into the open spaces, I have neither respected their relationship with him, nor their needs within that framework. The way I see that, the path in that direction leads to poor relationships with my metas and strife in the general polycule due to my inability to respect their time.

Taking that a step further, if they schedule a specific day each week with him, say Thursday for ease of discussion, it is my responsibility to be respectful of that schedule.

Yes, I understand that life happens. However, if I consistently drag my time with him out and cause him to be late for plans with them or if I continuously reschedule plans that force their plans to adjust around me, I have not been respectful of their time together. If it were a work meeting I would not be so cavalier and dismissive of their scheduled event, so why does it being his romantic schedule make it any less worthy of my consideration?

If I want others to honor my time with partners, I have to give equal concern to my own behavior. If a regularly scheduled week isn’t working for some reason, that becomes an issue for the polycule as a whole. If others are amenable and have been respectful of relationships, often a solution can be found. When someone has shown me clear indifference of my time and energy over and over, I tend to be much less accommodating, as a rule. I find that sort of thing tends to be common. We have a tendency to want to treat others as they’ve treated us rather than extending gestures of care only to see them slapped down or taken advantage of.

It can be incredibly difficult to stand in someone else’s shoes. Quite naturally, we see things from our own viewpoint. When I accomodate someone’s constantly shifting schedule while feeling as though mine is not of concern to them, it has a hugely detrimental effect on our relationship.

It helps if you all get along together!

Having many friends who practice poly, I have heard a meta or six referred to as ‘The Black Hole.’ Their partner will have plans with them, on said Thursday, while Wendesday was a meta’s turn. Yet fairly consistently, the partner will drop off of the map all day Wednesday, leaving Girl Thursday unable to confirm plans. As Thursday stretches on, it always become apparent that Girl Wednesday has had some sort of panic attack or began a serious relationship conversation or argument when their shared partner is due to leave. Once might be legitimate, but when that occurs every week for six months, GW’s lack of respect for Shared Partner’s time becomes only too apparent. When SP doesn’t see the manipulative behavior, that can leave GT feeling frustrated and unimportant, constantly at the mercy of her meta. Compounding that, I often see Girl Wednesday turn around and accuse GT of not being concerned about her relationship with SP. That’s a game with no winners, unfortunately.

Without a standard schedule those issues can be a bit trickier. Say I have a meta with an incredibly busy schedule which leaves her having to make plans a month out. If I text our shared partner with my weekend schedule, and my free time happens to coincide with their plans, I absolutely feel it is my duty to make it clear that my schedule is more flexible and that I can wait. I don’t get to make our Shared Partner feel guilty for keeping plans they’ve made, and I don’t get to try to schedule time before or after, forcing SP to cut time with one of us short. I am honor-bound to respect their time. Doing otherwise, quite frankly, would make me a rather shitty metamour, and honestly, not someone I’d recommend getting involved with.
We always have the option to be respectful of the relationships our partners have with others. I’d argue that if you want your own relationship to have longevity, it’s absolutely essential.


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, communication, consent, ethical non-monogamy, polyamory, respect, swingers

The Nesting Partner Doesn’t Always Win

September 19, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

We live in interesting times, which happens to be less than awesome for most of us.  We’re experiencing levels of anxiety and stress that our bodies may not be accustomed to.  We have uncertainty and fear, and some days it is a struggle for us to accomplish basic tasks.

What then of kink?  And non-nesting partners?  Is there any space for that in all of this?

I believe there is, but it can be difficult to achieve the head space for the first, or to have the additional energy required for the second. 

Having relationships requires energy.  We give up some of our energy reserves in order to invest in getting to know others or hearing about how their lives are.  When we have high stress levels and we are hearing about high stress from partners, it can be a challenge to keep our heads above water. 

Someone who does not live with a shared partner may be experiencing some feelings of jealousy or loss right now.  It may seem desirable to have someone there for comfort, but we don’t always account for how these emotions can affect a relationship.  It can be an odd shift to consider that partners who do not live together may have an easier time scheduling time for the fun things than those who do.

Partners at home have to push through those pulls of life, like dishes and children, dogs and laundry, and the little frustrations that pile up on any given day.  We may have planned to do fun kinky things together, but the odds are good that when the time comes, one or both of us will be too tired to scrape up the interest.  Because outside partners are getting a specifically scheduled time, energy is often fresh when they meet up.  This means the likelihood of them being able to follow through with the fun kinky things is much higher.  Watching that partner get the thing that is desired but rarely received can create feelings of inequity in a nesting partner, particularly one who does the laundry and finds oneself hanging the now-clean rope to dry that was likely used on a meta’s crotch. 

What is the solution, though?  Understanding the issue doesn’t make energy suddenly appear from nowhere, or stir up desire that has been tamped down by stress and fear.  Perhaps the way to solve feelings of inequity in this area can be to schedule with nesting partners the way we schedule with partners outside of the home.  When we were used to making kink time together by going out to a dungeon before, that option no longer exists, at least not in a way we personally feel is safe. 

Perhaps reaching out to our local dungeon owners whose properties sit empty of patrons, monthly rent continuing to rack up, would be happy to allow a pair of patrons to borrow their location and equipment for an hour for a special night out.  Perhaps, as a friend of our suggested, creatively scheduling an exotic meal out, by exploring recipes or takeout from a particular culture, creating ambiance with sounds or music from the same culture, and dining in Paris for a night before getting one’s kink on might be just the right touch. 

It is important that we explore creative options to continue to show the people we love they are special.  It isn’t always enough to just be the stressed out warm body in bed with them at night.  At some point, this life of fear and uncertainty has to end, and it is the goal that our relationships haven’t ended before that.


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: boundaries, communication, ethical monogamy, leather family, metamour, negotiation, polyamory, swingers

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