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UPDATE: Five Aspects of BDSM We Forget

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This is an update of an article I originally wrote back in January 2016. I decided to resurrect it with some new (and some same) info, for your reading pleasure!

While I love the lifestyle and specifically the very active scene in my home town of Los Angeles, there are key elements that are sometimes overlooked or completely forgotten. In an effort to not make this a list of rants, I’ve tried to offer supportive insight and advice for each item. Feel free to elaborate and add onto the list in the comments!

1. Proper introductions. While protocols are often touted as the norm, I often see folks completely ignore proper hellos and introductions leading to incredibly awkward yet avoidable conversation. Perhaps it’s the dungeon atmosphere that makes people nervous or maybe it’s a Dominant that’s too big for his/her britches, but a polite and respectful “Hello my name is Sir Domly McDomerton-it’s a pleasure to meet you” goes a long way. This etiquette flows over onto FetLife messaging as well. Also, don’t forget to introduce your friend/partner/sub/slave to new or old acquaintances as well. This will ease awkwardness and reinforce the dynamic. If your dynamic includes not introducing your slave/submissive/property as part of punishment or perhaps humiliation play, it may be helpful to indicate as such to ease awkwardness. If all else fails, pretend it’s normal vanilla life and treat people like people. Being at a dungeon or even a munch doesn’t fall too far outside of the ability to treat others as you’d want to be treated.

2. Aftercare. I know you’re sick of hearing about it, but this is a super important ending to almost every scene. Pretend like the scene is a gift and the aftercare is wrapping up the entire package in a nice, clean bow. Maybe you don’t feel like you’ll ever need aftercare, at least check in with the other person for a polite thank you and “how do you feel.” It’s better to be the person who asked about aftercare needs as it shows maturity and experience in the lifestyle. Don’t forget that some Dom/mes may need or want aftercare too. Return the favor!

3. Attending classes. There are enough know-it-alls in the world, please do not fall prey to being one of them. You know the type-they know everything there is from flogging to hook suspension and beyond. While it’s all good and well to be confident, it’s even more important to be well balanced, safe, and educated in your “craft”-for lack of a better word. This goes for both Dominants and submissives. Submissives may feel like they just need a good Dom/me to teach them everything. Be proactive. Being educated is your best protection against injury and avoiding predators in the lifestyle. Most Dom/mes of quality will find your education in the lifestyle an asset rather than a hindrance. In my opinion, if a Dom/me ever tries to stop you from attending classes or educational opportunities, you should run the other direction.

4. Balance. I have personally found that there needs to be balance with BDSM vs. vanilla activities. I learned this early on from my first ever play partner. At the time, I didn’t understand it because I was new and wanted to experience everything to do with kink right then and there. I had the fever, so to speak. Now that I’ve grown from that and have many more experiences under my belt, I actually enjoy vanilla activities equal to, if not more than the BDSM ones. There are a few friends of mine who, like myself are lifestylers, but they have somehow lost the social grace to act appropriately in vanilla public- things like inappropriate touching or talking loudly about kink activities in mixed company. Remember, while you’re kink is your life and expression, much like a religious fanatic it is not your “right” to force your lifestyle on someone else or make people feel uncomfortable around you. This not only further damages the impression vanilla folks have about BDSM but it also alienates you from making potential connections and educating people about kink. You’re an ambassador of the lifestyle whether you like it or not. However I do have to admit it’s often fun making mundane vanilla activities kinky. Use your imagination and discretion 😉

5. This leads me too…taking a break. It happens to the most experienced lifestylers. Sometimes you just want to hide out in your house for an entire weekend instead of attending a play party every night. Maybe you are over taxed from work and simply cannot commit to a munch a week. This is ok and does not make you any less of a player in the community. Your kink is what you make it and that includes setting boundaries for your personal time. From a safety point of view, if you’re a heavy player or someone that plays often, you should allow yourself time to heal and not just for a few days in between. Make sure to assess your health and be honest about potential long term damage.

6. Having a variety of friends. This can mean a lot of things. Of course everyone has a large circle of acquaintances. Recently, Dexx and I realized we were often spending time with the same people over and over. We love these people and the group dynamic is fun when we get together. What’s wrong with that you may ask? We should all endeavor to keep our scope, skillsets, and opinions broad, informed, and well rounded. It’s not that we will stop seeing our favorite people, we’ll simply add new folks into the mix. Going to classes helps in this regard as well. Another approach is to attend play parties outside of your regularly scheduled events. I’m a voyeur. I love watching a great dynamic play. I identify as a submissive but I bet could learn a thing or two from attending a FemDom party-and guess what?! I did! I attended Women in Charge of Kink, a Female Dom/male submissive dynamic party and it was a total blast. I spoke with a ton of wonderful women and met some charming men as well. I’ve even continued the conversation on this type of dynamic since the party.

If the concept of opening up your circle of friends sounds distasteful or uncomfortable, I urge you to give it a shot. It’s good to feel uncomfortable every once in a while.

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Kink and Kids

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Don’t be fooled by the title. I am NOT suggesting that the two go together! What I am going to talk about is the possibility of having both in your life.

On numerous occasions I have been drawn into discussions about this because people know that I am heavily involved in the BDSM scene, am out about my kink to my friends and family of origin AND I have two young children. They want to know how I do it. Do the kids know anything? How do I keep it separate?

The first part of it is the juggling act I do on a daily basis. My kids are still too young to be left alone and I also share custody with their dad – although I have them a majority of the time. However, part of my schedule that is fairly regular are the weekends. Every other weekend I have the kids – Friday after school (or camp in the summer) through Monday morning. I also have them every day after school except Monday nights (when I teach and host a munch) and Tuesday nights (my only weeknight with no work and no kids). Wednesdays and Thursdays I have them for the most part unless I need to work. Needless to say I don’t have a ton of extra “non-kid” time on my hands. I do my best to see my clients while the kids are in school or camp. So, yes, most of the time that you don’t see me at events or working, I am pulling mom duty. So the weekends that I have them come around and guess what? Unless it’s something I really really want to go to and find childcare – I am pretty much not active every other weekend in the scene. Does this make me sad? Of course. Do I sometimes feel like I miss out on fun stuff? Absolutely. However, I just try and remind myself that here in LA we have many things going on every weekend which means I can make up for it a week later.

Next is the question about if they know anything and how I keep it separate. At their age they are old enough to be aware and ask questions – unlike having an infant, toddler or preschooler. I keep my toy bag in the trunk of my car. If I have books or other kinky things that aren’t toys I have a cabinet that I put them in that is next to my bed. As they get a little older I will need to find something more secure since they may start to snoop. When I am headed to a club and I’ve hired a sitter or have recruited the help of family or friends and they see me heading out I get asked where I’m going. The questions are more from my daughter who is the oldest. I usually say a party or event and, depending on my outfit, sometimes it’s a costume or theme party. I also use a wrap dress to cover up what I may reveal at the club if it’s not appropriate for young eyes.
When they ask questions about my job I focus on the marriage and family therapy part. After starting Club Awakening (a newbie party in Los Angeles) I would say that I also plan big events like parties. So basically, enough truth to satisfy the question but not enough to raise more!

So, yes, it is absolutely possible to balance parenthood with kink. As your children get older you adjust your explanations to fit their age and level of understanding. It may not be as easy or as simple as it would be without having them, however, I would never change a thing! As a mom I make it all work as well as I can – and sometimes that means missing out here or there and scrambling for childcare occasionally. That’s ok. In a blink of an eye they will be adults and I will have more freedom, but I will also miss this time when they were younger – so I try to cherish it. It’s all possible if you want it to be. ☺

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

The Vanilla – Kink Pendulum

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Sepia picture of a clock and beautiful young girl (focus on cloc

The signs for me that the pendulum has been hangin’ out on the vanilla end too long are fairly easy for me to read at this point. My stress level seems higher than should be expected in relation to the amount of stress I’m under, or the level that I’m normally able to handle better. I get more irritable, tearful, and emotional. When hormones aren’t to blame I know what is. Too much vanilla time. It’s almost as if my stress doesn’t have a place to go and so it builds and builds.

People may look at my life and wonder how I could ever feel this way. I mean I am in a D/s relationship, I work in the scene, I attend munches, host a play party, etc. How in the world could my life be “too vanilla”?? It’s not so much that my life gets vanilla – kink is always a part of my life since it makes up my livelihood as well as much of my social life. However, if I don’t have enough personal kink I get wound up tighter than a two dollar watch. What do I mean by “personal kink”? I mean play where I’m the bottom. It’s how I relieve my stress and get emotional crap out of my system.

On the other hand there are times when the pendulum swings in the opposite direction. Maybe it’s parties back to back in the same weekend. Maybe it’s multiple scenes in one night. Or perhaps it’s only one scene amongst several kink events within a short amount of time. Whatever the case, I do find myself occasionally needing more “vanilla time”. Not that the D/s dynamic goes away of course, nor my kinky mind. But perhaps it just sounds good to stay home and watch a movie or binge something on Netflix. Craving “down time” with no make-up, my hair piled on my head and a comfy pair of yoga pants. Hanging out with my high school (vanilla) friends or other friends who are outside the scene.

I believe most people swing on this pendulum. It’s nearly impossible to maintain a perfect balance all the time. But that’s really what it’s all about. Balance. Knowing that it’s ok to feel too heavy on one side or the other because you can shift and start to swing the other way. My biggest take away message would be to not let it frustrate you. I see people all the time start to feel irritated when they are missing kink or “life” takes them away from the scene for a while. I get it – I find myself getting flustered as well. Mainly because it manifests itself as the symptoms I listed at the start of this article. However, I try to remind myself that it’s all about priority, finding time, and creating balance. Even if things start to shift in the opposite way that’s alright. You can shift again. We are very lucky in Los Angeles that there are events happening almost every day. So it really is up to us to take control of our pendulum.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.