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Joining the Kink Community

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Tunnel Light

Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.

In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.

On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!

(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)

My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.

Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.

Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.

I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

To Switch Or Not To Switch?

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anniebear-doms-email-photo

With the “Changing of the Old Guard,” I would like to address actual questions that are submitted to me. My answers, of course, are merely my opinions and should be taken as such. Nevertheless, our aim here at kinkweekly.com should be to encourage BDSM dialogue, and answering actual questions is one good place to start.

Here is this week’s question: “I am a Millennial new to BDSM. I like the idea of having a sex slave, but I’d also be interested in subbing to the right person. How do I begin my BDSM journey? I’m not sure who to approach or how. Should I call myself a switch? Should I only contact switches for advice or play?”

By your question, it is clear that you are unsure where you want to wind up. Many Millennials new to BDSM are experimenting. It is hard for newbies to predict where they will land in the BDSM spectrum. So, my first piece of advice is to follow BaadMaster’s patented three-step formula (sounds impressive, huh?) for finding out where you lie in the BDSM continuum.

1. Get in touch with what you really want. Be honest with yourself. Clear your mind and think of what fantasies really turns you on – no matter how extreme it might be. Get an idea of the range of play will help you focus on what you want — and what you don’t want. Try and put these fantasies in your order of preference. After a while, you will get a pretty good idea of what is hot to you – and what is not.

2. Decide which among these fantasies you would actually do. There is a difference between thinking something is exciting and actually doing it. Thus, you must make a realistic appraisal of those activities that will attempt – and those you simply won’t do.

3. The intersection of one and two is where you should begin your BDSM journey.

For example, you already said that you want to own a sex slave. Unless you only fanaticize about it and won’t actually do it – for whatever reason – then it is time to explore this fantasy. Tell any prospective play partner, straight up, that you are looking for a sex slave. Don’t lie and say you are an experienced Dom/me, but rather look for a submissive who is into learning with you.

On the other side, you should also look for a Dom/me who might give you some real time experience in subbing. The object is to find out not only what turns you on, but also what areas you have a natural aptitude for.

At this point, you are simply trying to learn; you should not concern yourself with labels. However, if one label does apply, it is newbie. But don’t worry; everyone was a newbie once. Experience will teach you whether you are a Dom/me, sub or switch — not some abstract idea of what you want to be. Forget labels; just learn what you really are.

In the era that predated our current Internet age, there existed a group of loosely affiliated leather groups that came to be known as the Old Guard Leather Societies. Although much is lost to history, legend is that they had a precept that “you cannot become a Master or a Top without having been a slave or a bottom.” Either consciously or unconsciously, you are following that time-honored principle. Since you are lucky enough to be able to both Top and bottom while you learn, this is a great way to go. Whether you become a Dominant or a submissive, you will be better for it. And if you wind up a switch, you will be an experienced one. Not a bad start, I must say!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Cause of Triggers During Play

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frustrated young business man

Triggers are things that should be acknowledged in a relationship and are one of the things we look at especially when we are going to play. This article can’t cover all the specific triggers you may or may not have, however, it will cover what various things can cause a trigger. You can be triggered in a positive way as well – which is lovely and not in need of an article! 🙂 Unfortunately most triggers are discovered because they happen during play. If this happens, whether you continue the scene or not, it is something to discuss and process – and then add to your future negotiations. The following are examples in each category and certainly not an all inclusive list.

TYPE OF IMPLEMENT/PLAY – You may be triggered by a specific implement or type of play. Maybe your punishment as a child was being hit with a belt. For many it’s a fetish and for some with a similar story, they may have turned it around into an enjoyable experience. However, if it creates a bad association for you, then it’s a trigger. Perhaps you were assaulted in the past and now a scene that includes “consensual non-consent” floods you with those awful memories.

POSITIONING – Being tied to a cross may not be a big deal, however, if told to take a spanking in the “diaper” position (basically laying on your back and pulling up your knees, similar to a baby getting a diaper change) you feel humiliated, and not in a sexy way.

PART OF BODY – There may be one or more places on your body that you don’t want touched, exposed or impacted. Sometimes this is because it just makes you angry if it happens and takes you out of your headspace. Sometimes there is a certain body part(s) that is linked to trauma or bad memories, etc.

WORDS – There are words that can trigger negative feelings. I might be really into sexual humiliation, yet if you call me fat or stupid (or the equivalent) I will be triggered. Being called certain titles/names can also be a trigger.

SOUND – The best example for this that I’ve seen is a Veteran having a PTSD response to someone cracking a whip. It could also be something as simple as a specific song.

SMELL – Our sense of smell is largely connected to our memories. You may be triggered by a certain type of cologne/perfume, cleaning products, lotion, etc.

Nothing is silly or unimportant. If it triggers you negatively PLEASE include it when you negotiate your scene. Your Top will appreciate it!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Jenn: My First Class in the BDSM Scene

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buy single tail whip

So one reason I started my weekly BDSM 101 class series is that when I entered the scene I couldn’t find something similar. My intro was thru a friend of a friend who pointed me in the direction of Fetlife. I was going through a divorce, was in my early 30’s and had two young children. I didn’t know anyone in the community – nobody to show me around or introduce me to people. I remember learning to navigate through Fetlife and trying to find any classes or socials (aka munches) that I could find and could get out to. As luck (?) would have it I stumbled upon a class that was offered at a time I could go. It was a class on singletails. (Now do you understand why I use the term “luck” loosely? lol) Keep in mind I just wanted to get out and start exploring – I didn’t really care what the topic was. I hadn’t come across any 101 or beginners classes that were being taught that week. So I decided to go.

The class was being held at Threshold. Funny story – I had already been to Threshold, just had never gone inside. I had driven there for a party but didn’t realize where the entrance was and ended up (after attempting the wrong door) going home. I believe this was before they added the giant “T” to the door, however, I’m not even sure I drove far enough in to see it regardless. For the class I somehow figured it out and went inside.

It was a smaller class – maybe 6-8 people plus the instructor. Unfortunately I can’t remember the instructor’s name. A handful of people seemed to be familiar with the topic, whips in hand, and comfortable in their chairs as we waited for class to begin. I sat next to a young man who seemed to be as equally terrified as I was. For most of the class I sat there, wide-eyed, as I watched the instructor demonstrate how to use the whip to simply catch the bottom’s hair. All the while trying to avoid eye contact with him so that I wasn’t called upon to volunteer. I’m sure he went over other exercises but much of it is a blur now. Until he got to the end of the class and started demonstrating “wrapping”. The only thing I could compare it to was the thought of Indiana Jones throwing his whip to wrap up an enemy and take them down. He asked for a volunteer to demo this “wrapping” technique. Crap – he was looking in our direction, so I did what any kind and thoughtful person would do and nudged the other newbie and encouraged him to volunteer! Lol I told him he had to tell me if it hurt. He agreed to go up. The instructor told him to hold his arms out and wrapped each of his arms. He came back to his seat and assured me there was absolutely no pain. Ok – be brave Jenn – I volunteered to give it a go.

I walked to the center of the room. I was asked to put my arms out to the side just like my new friend before me. He threw the whip and I think I closed my eyes and winced until I realized the whip circled my arms without an ounce of pain. What?! So he asked if he could do it again, but this time around my waist. Sure – I mean no biggie now right? This doesn’t hurt at all! So, with my arms still outstretched to the side, he crouched a little and threw the whip from more of a side angle. It wrapped a couple times around my waist. Then he did something I did not expect. He used the whip that was around me to pull me towards him. Holy moly. I’m sure I blushed. It was so hot! Trust me, it was not the instructor that made it hot (sorry whoever it was!) – it was the entire action of being wrapped up and controlled by this implement that had seemed so scary!

After the instructional part of class was over they set up stations with plastic sheets on the floor and lit candles. Those that were more advanced practiced putting the candles out with their whips. That was amazing and super impressive to sit back and watch.

There were a couple lessons I took away from that first class experience. One, going to classes, no matter the topic, will expose you to new knowledge as well as new people. This is why I encourage the newbies I meet to take any classes they can (mine or others). I remain friends with a couple people that were in that singletail class. Not “terrified dude” – not sure whatever happened to him. Two, implements (any implement) can be used from light to heavy and in so many different ways. I teach in my classes that it’s not the implement you should be concerned with. It’s the person using it – their skill level and intention. To this day the singletail is not at the top of my favorites list – I much prefer thuddy toys. However, I also know that in the right hands it doesn’t have to be scary.

So thank you, nameless instructor man, for the lessons I walked away with that day. I may not remember your name, but I remember the experience.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Being a Domme for the first time

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Mistress Anniebear in action! Just kidding!
Mistress Anniebear in action! Just kidding!

From the submissive point of view!

Since entering the scene nearly three years ago, I’ve always identified as a submissive. However, that doesn’t mean I haven’t used my brat side to participate in co-topping (two Doms, one sub) or casually playing with female friends. As of late I’ve felt a pull towards domination. While I think I will always identify as a submissive in my personal relationships, I sure do think it’s fun to top and torture specific people! Some would say this makes me a switch and that’s ok. I’ve not been able to “own” that label yet. Maybe some day I’ll be Mistress Anniebear but that’s a subject for another article, wouldn’t you say?

Having come from the submissive background, I logically and intellectually knew the “nuts and bolts” on the practical side of topping; for example how to throw a flogger, deliver spankings safely, wax play, electrical, you name it. Heck, I can’t even count how many classes I’ve been to and types of play I’ve enjoyed over these few years. I’ve been busy! But what to do about actually physically topping someone in a dedicated, planned out scene? Would I be able to deliver? I decided to “hone my craft” by practicing on a few willing participants. That in it of itself was super fun! I was surprised at how easily some of the skills came to me. I attribute it to not only those classes but also the dozens of scenes I’ve sat back and watched as well. That’s an education too. I attended a few play parties playing as a Domme. I made sure to let potential play partners know that I was newer to Topping but happy to try things out. Funny how many people are willing to be guinea pigs to a blossoming Domme in training 😉

The greatest test arrived one day in the form of a newbie submissive. We were introduced by a vanilla friend who knew I was kinky and she thought I could show her the ropes. We hit if off from the start. She had amazing energy and was willing to learn. I confessed that being a Domme was a new side of me and that we would proceed slowly. I walked us through a lengthy negotiation-probably overkill on my part but hey, I wanted to be safe and not scare the girl away! We arranged a paly date at my house and the date was swiftly approaching. I’m pretty sure I was more nervous than she could possibly be. I couldn’t believe how much trust she was placing in me. What if I screwed up or accidentally hurt her?

I planned out a scene that included several elements, providing a range of sensations and experiences for her. I also ran my ideas by my “in house” Dom, Dexx. Not everyone is as lucky as I to be with someone who allows me to explore not only submission but domination as well. He encouraged me to seek out partners and see where it takes me. He being of the devious sort was more than happy to assist in hearing my scene ideas, throwing in some pointers and giving approval as well. The scene was set!

The night arrived for our play date. I donned my best “Dominatrix” outfit for effect and arranged the playroom for our scene. I had given my willing submissive instructions on what to wear and she did not disappoint. I could tell she was nervous but so was I! I hid it as best I could. I knew the best way around all of this was to just blindfold her as soon as possible! At least then she would at least be able to not see if I made a mistake. We proceeded slowly into the scene. I placed her on a leash and walked her about and then into the playroom. I put that blindfold on her and it was game on! Starting with some sensation play I worked from easiest in difficulty to hardest (at least in my opinion and skillset). My logic was that I would have her warmed up and personally be more comfortable and confident as the scene went along. Admittedly I was shaking a bit with nerves (not good for a Top!) but it seemed to ease up as time went on.

Luckily “my” submissive was being very responsive so it was easy to tell if she liked or disliked something. In addition to some sensation play with scratchy things, I tried several paddles and impact implements, flogging (learned from a class!), nipple clamps and clothespins. I ended with some wax play which was most worrisome for me. I tried the wax on myself first so I could feel the temperature. All in all, she seemed to like this the best. I also thoroughly enjoyed peeling the wax off after it dried!

We wrapped up the scene and sat together afterward for our aftercare. I asked her what she liked and disliked. It was honestly one of the most educational and eye opening experiences I’ve ever had in this lifestyle. Another human being allowed me to essentially do whatever I wanted to them. The sheer vulnerability of the whole act was mind blowing. I felt honored that she entrusted me with her safety and pleasure. I’ve heard it said that submission is a gift and I believe this wholeheartedly. I also realized that I could never entirely be a Dominant. I don’t know if I could handle that pressure and weight. This proves that for me it does not come naturally and shows that some people are just inherently dominant or submissive. I’d highly recommend that every kinkster, just once in their lives experience kink from the other side of the spectrum. You may not necessarily like it, but you would learn something!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

anniebear: My Very First Play Party

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It was March, 2014. I had been to a munch the previous week and was absolutely dying to go to an actual play party. I was working a dead end retail job at the time and was checking my Fetlife for events. Remember when Fetlife was shiny and new and you were on it every moment looking for messages?! One event popped up that piqued my interest; “Gentlemen In Charge, a high protocol play party for male Dominants and female submissives”. I liked gentlemen, but I definitely liked it more when they were in charge! I was sold! In my brain I’m thinking a room full of Dominant men and me…..pretty scary but so so so hot. This was my ultimate fantasy, something /I’d always dreamed about. But what to do?! The party was in a mere four hours so I’d have to go by myself…and think of something to wear. I sent a text to my sister who is both kinky and out for advice on what to wear and do. She talked me off my ledge and said if all else fails, wear a black dress. Just to be on the safe side, I posted in the Gentlemen in Charge group asking for clarification on the dress code. To my surprise, a few people responded back and cleared it up for me! I even got a nice message from another female who would be in attendance if I needed a buddy. This was working out to be better and better! I dashed out of work at the end of my shift and knew I barely had time to go home, dress, and then make my way back across town in time for the party. The event listing urged people not to be late or risk interrupting the pre-party class/instruction. In my head I knew I would DIE of embarrassment if I were late.

At home I tore though my closet. Looking back on the moment now, I’m simply astonished that I did not own more lingerie. At the time I think I had two garter belts, a bustier, and a few modest 1950’s era slips to my name. The times have definitely changed! I agonized as the clock as ticking and finally went with a black slip, some mint green panties with garters and nude stockings. I had a short bob haircut at the time so was going for a 1920s vibe. Back then, Gentlemen in Charge required the female submissives to wear a collar. Luckily I had recently picked up a collar from Pleasure Chest (I didn’t even know about the famed Stockroom yet). I threw on some red lipstick and flew out the door. Now mind you I was visibly shaking a this point. I was a lone twenty-something female about to go to a dungeon play party. It doesn’t inspire a lot of confidence!

I arrived at Sanctuary, the party venue LATE! I sat in my car, adrenaline pulsing through me. I was sweating and freezing and flushed all at the same time. I can’t believe I blew it and was late. How I convinced myself to get out of the car and into the building beats me. You have to ring a buzzer at Sanctuary to be let in and I was shaking like a leaf. The person at the front desk asked for my RSVP name (I had enough sense to make sure I had done that much) and informed me that classes had already begun and told me the females were gathered in Hades. (??????) Hades?! “What’s a Hades?” I thought. I felt too stupid to ask for any clarification and just walked right in. I went down a short corridor, turned the corner and there was a room full of what looked like fifty men! They were all listening to a man bathed in red light on the stage, the teacher for the pre-party class. I froze like a deer caught by a hunter. A man directly to my right quietly asked me if I needed assistance to the ladies class and I gratefully accepted as he lead the way. It seemed like the gentleman part was working out so far.

I entered a small room (with the name Hades on the door, huzzah!) in the back and it was full of women of all ages, races, and types of dress. Looking around I felt slightly out of place. Women were dressed in beautiful corsets and collars, blouses and dresses. I shrunk myself against a wall, sitting on the floor because the room was at capacity and listened. The instructor, a known Dominatrix was talking about high protocol. The lesson went straight over my head having been so new and foolishly unlearned in the way of kink. It was definitely great people watching as I wondered who everyone was and if they were new too. The class wrapped up and we were informed to join the men for social hour. My nerves returned full force! A woman approached me and asked if I was anniebear. It was Subbiepoppy, the person who had messaged me! I was saved…kind of. Well, I at least had a person to latch onto. She introduced me around to her group and everyone was extremely nice. I then made a beeline to the bar. Let’s be honest, I needed some liquid courage. A few men approached me and kindly introduced themselves. I think they could tell I had a bit of that caged wild bird look to me as they were all gentle and did not invade my space.

One thing that struck me about the crowd I general was that not everyone looked like a supermodel like in the movies. Yes I sound like an asshole but no one talks about this part of kink where you get used to the Hollywood stereotypes and don’t realize what the reality is. These were just normal, kind people. There were all types of looks and the men were not wearing black capes and carrying whips and the women were not all flighty little nymph types wrapped in rope (That would come later). It was a relief. You could look however you wanted to look and be any age and that was ok. In fact, I was impressed with how nicely dressed the men were in their suits. The women all seemed so confident as some undressed down to lingerie and underwear. I started to wonder, could I do that to? Would I find someone to play with tonight?

A man that introduced himself earlier as “Velvet” came back around and we chatted some more. He understood I was new and we talked about what my experience had been like so far. I went back to Subbiepoppy and the safety net of the other girls. One of them asked me if I wanted to play with him and I said I wasn’t sure if I had the nerve. I asked if she knew the guy and she said she did and had seen him around and that he was a good play partner. The wheels in my head started turning. I gave myself a pep talk and told her I wanted to do it! She said she would help me negotiate the scene (I do remember the Dominatrix mentioning negotiations during the class). Thus began the start of my very first play scene ever and in public, which is fitting because I am now such an exhibitionist.

I approached Velvet and asked if we could play and he agreed (yippy…and oh shit!). I told him my friend would help me negotiate. It seems normal now but looking back this was probably one of the single weirdest conversations I had ever had. I didn’t even know where to begin so I rattled off a bunch of stuff I did NOT want to happen which included bleeding, sex, kissing, nails on my skin, and tickling. I was off to a good start. Then is got down to things that interested me; I had no clue. I thought back on my different sex partners and some of the things I liked that they did. “I like spanking and whipping with a belt?”-yea I added the question mark uptick to my statement. After not talking about these things for so many years, it’s a very odd feeling to finally say out loud what you would like a man to do to you. “I like hair pulling.” It was getting a little easier. I honestly really lucked out on a first play partner. He took more time with me going over a few more likes, dislikes and limits. He then asked what my safeword would be to which I gave him a deer in the headlights face. Of course I knew what one was but I could not think of a single word that stuck out in my brain, no blueberry or panda bear or nothing! He explained the stop light colors to me, red, yellow, and green. He also went a bit further and said he may ask where on a scale of 1-10 was I in that color. So if I said yellow and he asked what number and I said 8, that mean I was rapidly approaching red. That really knocked my socks off.

We went in search of a place to play and my brain started whirling again about how naked I was going to get. To my delight we found a room down a hallways that was slightly obscured so not every person walking by would see me. My friend promised to stop by to check on me as well as the dungeon monitors who were helping the party. He sat his bag down and I sheepishly asked what clothes I was supposed to take off. He said whatever I wanted to. I turned my back and slowly removed my slip. I was standing in just my bra, panties, and stocking and had an “aw fuck it” moment and removed my bra. Everyone else was naked, why shouldn’t I be?! And in that moment I felt free and liberated, and nervous as hell. What if this man, this stranger actually hurt me? What if I hated it or freaked out? What if he forgot or broke the extensive rules we discussed? Just then I saw my friend peak her head around the corner and give me a thumbs up. I blew a sigh of relief and gave her a thumbs up right back.

From then on our scene began. While I cannot remember every detail of the scene now, in retrospect Velvet was an incredibly talented flogger. Flogging in particular can look very scary and painful to a newbie but it was actually wonderful and felt so good to me. I loved the feel of the leather on my back and butt. I also remember on mortifying moment where a Wartenberg wheel got stuck in the lace of my stocking. I just took those off at that point too! Velvet took me through a variety of implements and types of play. I truly could not have asked for a better first play scene. Velvet, if you’re reading this, thank you!

Velvet drew the scene to a close and I was soaring! He asked if I needed any aftercare and I couldn’t even think straight! We eventually got me dressed, cleaned up the room and walked back out to the main party and everyone had practically left, it was nearly 1:30am! Time flies when you’re having fun. I drank some water, we exchanged information as he wanted to check on me the next day and he walked me to my car. That my friends, was the beginning of my journey, I was hooked!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.

Subbie Snap

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Regrets wrong doing. Man having a duh moment

Up until now, we have concentrated on the broad principles that make relationships work. Communication, negotiation, limits and the like have been covered extensively. But what about the little, nagging things that can gnaw at the fabric of even the most solid Master/slave relationship? What are they? How can you avoid falling prey to them? Let’s start with one I call “subbie snap.” (This article is primarily aimed at Dom/mes and subs who are — or want to be — in a committed D/s relationship.)

In most D/s relationships, the broad principles of Dominance and submission are pretty obvious. So, when the Dom/Domme asks the submissive to “make coffee,” for example, neither really gives it a second thought. Compared to tying your submissive to a cross and flogging him/her within an inch of her/his safeword, this is no big deal. Or is it? Well it can be.

The “big commands” – like pushing limits in a public scene – happen only occasionally. But the “little orders” can be an everyday occurrence. The danger in these “little commands” is that the submissive is reluctant to object to them no matter how annoying they might be.

For example, let’s say that every time the submissive opens up a can of Coca-Cola for her/himself, the Master/Mistress seizes the can and takes a big gulp out of it, almost finishing it. In a vanilla relationship, the partner can just say, “Next time get your own friggin’ soda.” In a Master/slave relationship, no matter how much this habit gets on the slave’s nerves, he/she would just accede to this demand and make no mention of it. Over time, this can build up from a minor annoyance to a major resentment. If there are too many of these little unresolved annoyances, it can add up to an overall feeling of frustration. In the worst case scenario, left unchecked, this can cause what I call “subbie snap.” This is where the submissive “loses it” and tells the Master/Mistress off. Little frustrations, added up over time, can turn into one big frustration that can threaten the whole D/s dynamic of the relationship.

The problem here is that most submissives won’t mention these little things to the Dominant. While he/she might mention a major problem, there can be a reluctance to seem “un-slavelike” when it comes to these tiny, seemingly unimportant, irritations. What to do?

From the Dominant side, a keener sense of observation might be called for. When in a scene, a given Dominant might be the most observant person on the planet. But when in garden-variety life interactions, this same Dominant can be as thick as a brick. Thus, the Dom/me must make a special effort to keenly observe the submissive’s demeanor on a regular basis. The Dominant should look to see if the slave is making those “little faces” when responding to small requests. If it is not an important demand, you — the Dom/me — might want to request it less often. On the other hand, it might be a tip-off that the whole Master/slave dynamic is going off kilter. In this case, the “C word” – communication – comes to the rescue. It might be time to address it before it becomes a bigger problem; taking care of business early can prevent a major case of “subbie snap.”

From the submissive’s point of view, don’t suffer in silence. Not wanting him hogging your Coca-Cola might not seem a big enough deal to risk looking un-slavelike – but it can be. If your Master has some annoying habits that make you squirm, don’t be afraid to mention it. There is nothing unusual about being a good slave in all regards but having a few minor things you simply loathe doing. Small frustrations are easy to nip in the bud – before they become big frustrations. On the other hand, if your actions are a symptom of a bigger problem, it is incumbent on you to tell your Dominant. What is to be gained by hiding it? In the long run, by not confronting it, you might ruin your relationship. Here, again, communication is essential. Remember, if your Dominant does not observe the problem, then you must tell him/her. Your Master/Mistress might be many things, but a mind reader is probably not one of them. And if he/she is not good at reading the little signs I have been pointing out, then you must advise him/her about what is causing you grief.

At the end of the day, both parties should be fulfilled in a Master/slave relationship. And avoiding “subbie snap,” even at the risk of breaking of your particular protocol, is one way to insure that.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

We Are Human First

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This article is about consent and negotiation and mistakes and hindsight. It’s about personal responsibility and compassion.

There are reasons I don’t do pick up play and why I like to be at least friends with someone before I do a scene with them. When you play as a bottom you are trusting someone with your physical, mental, and emotional well-being for a certain amount of time. When you play as a Top you are trusting another person to be honest with you up front and not vilify you if you make a mistake. Notice the running theme? TRUST. Now, if you are just starting to play and have just met that person or have only known them a short time, then a whole lot of trust isn’t necessarily there yet. This is why it’s not recommended that you do heavy scenes or attempt to push boundaries and limits with someone in the beginning. You should be developing more trust first.

So what should you trust about a new play partner? Well, as a bottom you should hopefully be able to trust that your Top has good intentions and is looking to play with you in a safe way while adhering to the limits that you have stated during negotiation. That they are not looking to take advantage of you or do things that weren’t discussed just because “well you didn’t say I couldn’t”. (This is also why I teach newbies to negotiate from an “I want to start with just doing x, y, and z” position rather than trying to think of all the things they don’t want to do.) As a Top you should be able to trust that the bottom has disclosed whatever medical issues, triggers, etc that they are aware of, along with things that may be unique to them as a player. For example, bottoms – if when you go into subspace you are barely aware of your surroundings or what year it is, this is something the Top should be made aware of!

However, guess what? Even after all that things can go wrong. The bottom may have forgotten to disclose something. The Top may have briefly had a brain fart regarding one of the bottom’s limits. The bottom may have been triggered by something they didn’t realize they would be triggered by. The Top may have done something that wasn’t spelled out in negotiations (not talking about major stuff). But remember, scenes are supposed to be fun. Especially with a new partner who is likely not to go too “deep” or too far in play the first time. Not everything will be spelled out in the negotiation – it’s not possible. Or, if possible, it would probably be a very boring, predictable scene.

So what do you do about that? Well, for starters, choose to play with people you can have a conversation with. I’m talking about a conversation beyond the negotiation. If these things happen (which they will) don’t jump to anger and blaming the other person. Start with personal responsibility. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what part of that do you hold accountability for? Acknowledge this to your partner. Hopefully they will acknowledge their part of whatever happened as well. TALK about the little things that happened and assume it was not born from manipulation or ill intent. Are some people douche-nozzles? Absolutely. However, most people aren’t looking to hurt you or create a bad reputation for themselves. Most people are doing the best they can or the best they know how to do. So talk about the scene. Make adjustments in your future negotiations if need be.

Just remember when you strip away the titles and the power exchange – we are all just human first.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

One kinky, One vanilla, One roof

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Often times an already established couple enters the scene together. Perhaps they’ve been dating a while, living together, or even married. They start going to a few classes and a munch or two. Perhaps they make it out to a party and start including kink during their “sexy time”. Unfortunately, after giving it a good shot, one partner just isn’t feeling it. Partner A feels like they hit a jackpot of new experiences and is so excited to plunge into the deep end of kink. Partner B has given a genuine effort, yet nothing they’ve learned about or tried has interested them. So now what? Well, in this case both partners are aware of what’s out there and kink has been put on the table. At this point partner B has the decision to either swallow their disinterest and attempt to “play along” because they see partner A’s excitement or to have an honest conversation with partner A about how they feel. I know this won’t shock you, but I suggest the second option. Many people may choose the first option because they are afraid if they let their partner know they aren’t interested that they’ll lose them. The problem here is that kink isn’t something you can fake for long, especially as you delve deeper. It will eventually surface and when it does it is bound to not end well. At the very least the kinky partner may feel resentment about their partner not being really honest with them. It’s better to have a frank conversation and evaluate what’s most important and how to handle the difference of interest.

Another scenario is when one person starts to research and explore kink but doesn’t bring their partner along at first. This is usually due to them assuming their partner won’t be into it or they are simply ashamed or embarrassed by their kinky interests. Given this situation there are several options. One option I don’t recommend is continuing to explore kink in secret. They end up almost living a double life and it usually still gets revealed eventually – and by then there is much more betrayal that has happened. Another option is to come to the conclusion that they can live without kink and continue to suppress their desires. This option is less than appealing due to the fact that they are possibly living a life that is less than satisfying. This can lead to resentment eventually as well. I do recommend communicating the interests with the partner. This option can lead to several outcomes. The best outcome, of course, is revealing the desire to explore kink and finding out their partner is interested and willing to explore with them. Another positive outcome is if their partner isn’t interested, yet is willing to negotiate ways for the interested partner to explore kink without them.

The saddest outcome, of course, is if they can’t find common ground or room for compromise and the relationship comes to an end. Keep in mind there is a lot of wiggle room before they have to get to this point. There are many possibilities for making it work in some way. However, if they just can’t make it work it’s probably better to part ways. If the kink partner has realized that kink is that important in their life and the vanilla partner really wants nothing to do with it and can’t be a part of their partner exploring outside of the relationship then this may be the best option. If not, I believe the relationship will still end, but it may be more like removing the bandage very slowly as opposed to ripping it off and hopefully parting in a friendly way. To end this article on a positive note I will say that I have seen many couples in my therapy practice where one person thinks their partner won’t be into kink find out that they were wrong and that their partner is totally willing to check it out and may even love it!

Bottom line is be true to yourself and your partner!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Introducing a New Person to BDSM

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We’ve written several articles similar to this topic in the past but with the caveat that you were either dating or romantically interested in the new person or perhaps it was a vanilla person you’re trying to convert. This article will cover aspects and ideas for introducing a kinky platonic friend into the scene, something which I’ve had personal experience with multiple times…not that I’m trying to convert every single one of my friends…or maybe I am, hehe 🙂

This is also assuming that you, the reader are a safe, sane, and consensual player-I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt since you’re taking the time to read this helpful article. Whether you’re introducing a male or female (or those who identify as) the concepts will be similar. Then as the person begins to find their way, you can advise them to the best of your knowledge on how they could potentially proceed.

Hypothetically speaking, a friend of yours comes to you seeking advice on BDSM, is interested in it, or wants to come with you to a kink event. How do you proceed? Personally, I like to start with education. Send them some written material that you think is valuable or noteworthy. We have several articles for beginners in the archives of Kink Weekly, specifically Baadmaster’s piece “Where Do I Begin?” Similarly, you can explain everything in person, however this can be both time consuming and unreliable because unless they take notes or have a fantastic memory, they will not have a point of reference to go back to in the event they need some reminders. You can always send them some material and then go over it in person with them if you care to be extra thorough.

Next, you can discuss what their interests may be. Often times they will say they either do not know or only have a very vague reference of what they could be into. They may not even know if they are a Top, bottom, switch or something in between or apart from those labels. In my experience, a true kinkster just “knows” they are into it and are excited to discover new things about themselves. You can help them along by inviting them to specific classes. If you’re lucky enough to live in a well populated BDSM scene, seek out a BDSM 101 class or basics classes on impact play, flogging, anything you can think of just to get them exposed to new kinks. Munches are also a fabulous way for them to meet fellow kinksters and hear what other people have to say. In my experience, BDSM folks are usually happy to discuss ideas with a respectful newbie. If they are “too important” to speak with a new person, then I wouldn’t particularly want my hypothetical new friend to meet that person anyway.

If you feel like you’re still having a hard time helping this person find their way, it’s time to bring in reinforcements! The longer I’m in the scene, the easier it is for me to get a “feel” for which end of the spectrum someone may be. For example, I had a long time friend who I knew was very dominant and when he finally came to me and said he wanted to explore BDSM, I knew exactly where to send him! However, I have a different friend who was unsure at first what she wanted but as I introduced her into the scene and exposed her to more, we both figured out that she was a switch. If you have an inkling of what they might like, you have the experience, and are able to play platonically, offer to do an introductory scene with them. If you do not feel qualified, find a trusted friend who would be interested. Kinksters are selfish (in a good way!) and always happy to play and what a treat to introduce someone new to something we all love so much! A word of caution on this: I’d offer to sit in on the scene if they are playing with a mutual friend. Walk them through a proper negotiation and help them pick out a safe word as well. Newbies can get attached to a partner pretty easily as the endorphins run high, something worth mentioning as well as the dangers of sub drop. If you are an experienced sub, you can still walk your potential Top friend through a scene, especially with the supervision of another Top or Dom.

There are endless options to help a new person find their way. If you still feel very new yourself, find more experienced folks to assist or attend classes together. The important thing is to play smart and be realistic with your newbie about BDSM. Everyone has made a mistake or two (or three) as a newbie, if you’re able to impart your advice and journey, your friend will thank you for it. Thanks to you for looking out for your friend as well!

anniebear is a submissive living with her partner Dexx in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.