lifestyle

Top 8 Reasons to Get Involved in the BDSM Lifestyle

September 25, 2017 By Laila 3 Comments

We’ve been a bit serious lately here on Kink Weekly so we thought we’d change it up with a fun list of Top 8 Reasons to Get Involved in the BDSM Lifestyle. I was originally going to list reasons to go to a dungeon but then thought some people don’t have access to local dungeons and I wanted to be inclusive! Which leads me to reason number one:

1. Everyone is included. BDSM does not discriminate against age, race, sexual orientation, gender, whatever! If you’re involved in this lifestyle you are open to experience all types of people. In my experience here in Los Angeles, all of the parties are very inclusive and guess what, if the party theme is geared towards a certain gender or orientation they’ll make sure to advertise it as such so it’s clear. Does this mean they are discriminating against people? Yes and no but mostly no. These parties are held at dungeons that have different theme and party nights so a party will eventually come back around that you can attend. There’s something for everyone and a place for everything.

2. BDSM encourages open communication. In fact, you may get sick of talking about your kink, feelings, relationship, and more. You’re essentially put under a microscope so be prepared to talk it out!

3. New experiences will abound! Be prepared to strap in (or put on a strap on :D) for the ride of your life! I’m not just meaning sexually but meeting new people, observing play, reading all of the material out there-it can be overwhelming and exhilarating. The good news is you can go as fast or slow as you’d like.

4. Ingenuity. Never in your life will you see more clever uses for everyday objects. Need a cheap paddle? How about the kitchen spoon. Want a fun bondage bed? Get some pipe and wood and go to town. People’s imaginations in this lifestyle will astonish you. Also the variety of scenes and ways in which people (consensually) torture one another is fascinating.

5. Pretty clothes and fun themes. Sure, not everyone goes full BDSM bondage gear when they play but you can always count on that one friend or couple to not disappoint!

6. Destination BDSM. Kink is in any city. No matter where you travel, if you look hard enough there is a lifestyle or scene there. No, it may not be hundreds of people but you can find “our people” almost anywhere you go.

7. Fun conversations with vanillas. Depending on how “out” you are, you’ll have many interesting conversations with every day vanilla people. Even if you don’t want to be out, you can still send out feelers or bring up Fifty Shades of Gray to see how people react. Ok, maybe sometimes these conversations get awkward, but it’s the ultimate process to help educate others that matters most!

8. Fun! I personally think anything to do with kink is fun. I sure hope everyone reading this thinks so too. If not, have your people call my people! 🙂

Do you have any other reasons why folks should get into BDSM? Make sure to let us know in the comments and thanks for reading!

What’s Your Motivation?

September 25, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

What is your motivation for entering the BDSM community? I think for most people it’s a discovery of their inner kinkster – whether that’s a love for fetish, sadism and/or masochism, and/or power exchange. Those of us who seek like-minded people, education, and exploration into this world. For most of us this means venturing out to events in order to meet people and make new friends. Heading to classes about anything and everything we can find in order to absorb this new community full of new information.

Perhaps once we have made a few friends and found a handful of other people who may have a bit more experience in the scene, we venture out into the sea of parties that we have here in Southern California (or hopefully you have parties to attend where you live) to watch people play or try all the exciting shiny things. We learn, we grow, and we begin to discover more about ourselves.

Well. This article isn’t for all those people.

This article is to speak to all the people that breeze into our community with very different motivations. No, I’m not referring to those that come in, take a look around, and then decide it’s not really for them. The ones that think it looks exciting but realize quickly that they are content in their more vanilla lifestyle. That is understandable and ok – this community and way of life aren’t for everyone. At least they were willing to dip their toe in the water without (hopefully) passing judgement. Nope, this article is for the ones who come in with ridiculous expectations and/or sublime sensitivities.

I have witnessed and heard about two prominent examples of these things. Let’s start with the ridiculous expectations. The example of this that I see most often is a new person showing up to a party. They haven’t taken any classes and maybe gone to a munch or two. They hang out at the party – off on the sidelines – looking for their Cindy Crawford or Pierce Brosnan (insert hot model/ sexy/ cool actor type of your choice here) to waltz up to them and kneel before them or take them by the hair. This, of course, will be followed up by the most amazing scene ever and they will live happily-ever-after in BDSM paradise. When this doesn’t happen they get on Fetlife ranting about the party attendees and how none of them were “their idea of hotness” or if they were they were already taken. Well, guess what – that’s not how this works. Ultimately something these people would find out if they stayed in the scene long enough to discover it, is that we look beyond the external to the depths and connection we have with other people. Sadly (or not?) many of these folks disengage with the scene and reengage on vanilla hook up sites to do what they really came for and thought they could find here.

The other example is when people come in who are highly and easily offended. I have a recent example of this. A person, new to the scene, attended one of my Kinky Karaoke play parties. The party was high energy and full of fun! People were singing all night long – everything from Disney to heavy metal and from country to classic rock and everything in between. There was dancing, the Singing Masochist performances, and the rap battle. It was a really great night overall. The next day I received a message on Fetlife from someone who had attended the party who was highly offended because someone sang a song with offensive language and the singer wasn’t the right color to be singing those lyrics. (Yes I am admittedly paraphrasing.) This person was so offended by this that they felt unsafe in the scene and wouldn’t be attending any more of my events, etc. Really? The singer obviously wasn’t directing the lyrics at you and didn’t mean any offense by it. They were simply enjoying a karaoke party and singing the lyrics of a rap song. Guess what? This could be the same in any karaoke bar in any city anywhere. So basically this person was saying, “I’m not gonna explore any more of this community because my feelings were hurt.” What this says to me is that they weren’t interested in the bigger picture of what this community has to offer.

So please, if you are thinking about starting your exploration into the BDSM community – no matter where you live, take the time to attend classes and munches. Spend some time investing in real people and forming real connections before you pass judgement and leave. This scene is what you make of it.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

D-types: Knowing the Other Side

July 24, 2017 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

My last article was about s-types “knowing the other side” – so now it’s time for the D-types out there. I realize this is typically a harder sell. There are many D-types that when it’s suggested just to feel what their implements for play feel like they answer with something along the lines of, “Hell no!” I get it. You’re not a masochist. That’s fine, I’m not telling you that you need to be. Just hear me out.

There is a spectrum that represents D-types who have experienced the s side of the slash. From those that have never bottomed to any kink implement nor considered themselves “in service” to anyone to those that spent years as an s-type on their journey to becoming a D-type and many, if not most, who fall somewhere in between.

Now I realize that if a D-type really doesn’t want to do something – I could suggest it until I’m blue in the face and it won’t matter. However, this article is for those that are at least open to the idea of understanding the s-side better. Two main categories to being on the s-side of the slash are bottoming and service. At the very least I suggest experiencing what your implements feel like, if not implements in general. I’m not suggesting this means you doing an entire scene or going super heavy. However, if you’re willing to push those limits then great.

If you’ve had experience in the military or martial arts you may have an idea of being “in service” to a higher ranking officer or sensei. This gives you a glimpse into service, however, it’s not quite the same. Try filling that role with another D-type that you trust – if you dare. Even just for an evening. 😉

I had a friend once, a lifestyle D-type for many years, who wanted to develop a deeper understanding for what his s-type felt like as well as experience what the violet wand felt like since he was looking to expand his Topping skills in this area. He decided to do this by attending a Female Dom / male sub party where he was required to be in the bottom/service role for the evening. He caught a lot of flak from the D-types there because many were his peers. He brushed off their taunting and went about what he was there for. He learned what a violet wand felt like as well as how it felt to serve for an evening. This, to me, was a testament to his Dominance. The fact that he was willing to set his ego aside in order to publicly experience what he did in order to grow as a D-type made me respect him even more than I already did.

I can honestly say that of the D-types/Tops I’ve played with – the ones who have spent time on the s-side of the slash were some of the absolute best. I’m not saying you can’t be a fantastic Top/D-type without doing this. However, there’s just another level of understanding that comes from the experience of putting yourself in the bottom/s-types shoes.

The Complete Mentoring Guide

October 17, 2016 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

This article can be filed under “controversial” and “opinion” because it falls into both categories. You can also file it under “important,” because I think it is essential to objectively examine the practice of Dominants placing submissives “under their protection.” Although we have covered the basics in our previous kinkweekly.com article, “What Is A Mentor?”, I thought a more detailed look would be useful – especially to new submissives. As with many BDSM traditions, “mentoring” in this “Fifty Shades” world is disappearing. People are just jumping into Dom/sub relationships. But until the practice totally dies out, I think we should examine it – if only to protect those new subs who might encounter – or seek out – this way of entering the lifestyle.

To recap: let’s define what “under the protection of (the Dominant)” (often called “mentoring”) means. In theory, it is where an experienced Dominant selflessly looks out for and coaches a submissive. In practice, it ranges all the way from honorable, experienced Dom/mes showing newbies the ropes while protecting them from predators (best-case scenario), all the way to conniving Dom/mes using it as a way to quickly become the “de facto Dominant” without any of the responsibilities of a Master/Mistress (worst-case scenario.) Mentoring seems to have no historical basis in BDSM; I cannot find reference to it in “Old Guard” lore or anywhere else. It appears to be an Internet-inspired phenomenon; there are no universal standards.

In its ideal manifestation, mentoring has much to recommend it. An experienced Dominant is the perfect person to guide a newbie through the daunting maze that is BDSM. He/she can show the new submissive the ropes while also screening out potential predators who might seek to take advantage of the newbie’s newness. (That is either a neat phrase or totally lame!) But, life is rarely ideal. For example, let’s say the protector is tasked with screening potential Dom/mes for the submissive. The most experienced Dom/me is neither all-seeing nor all-knowing. I would be more comfortable if the job of screening potential Masters included consulting with the sub rather than screening them unilaterally, which is usually the case.

This practice is just begging to be abused. After all, who is protecting the submissive from the protector? Protection can turn out to be less a teacher/student relationship than a version of “Dom/sub light.” (Of course, if this is what the sub seeks, then this is fine.) Although this is truly an anecdotal observation (I have no hard statistics to back up this claim), it seems that this is especially true in a male Dom/female sub situation. In this “worst-case yet common” scenario, protection is just a way of getting the milk without buying the cow. The insecure Dom is able to take a female sub off the market quickly and become the sub’s sole support system. He quickly becomes the sub’s de-facto Dom – but without the responsibilities.
As with any social system, there are bound to be abuses. So, let’s give newbies a few tips that can help them choose a mentor/protector, should they decide to pick one.

1. Both of your agendas should match. See if your potential mentor has a hidden agenda that is at odds with yours. Is his/her primary motivation your well-being or is there another aspect to it? Often married men, or Doms with alpha slaves, will use protection as a way of rapidly snapping up an additional sub. If this is acceptable to you, this is fine; otherwise, be forewarned. Make sure both of your agendas match. This is probably the most important aspect when picking a protector.

2. Check out the protector’s reputation. Ideally, you should have a “protector protector.” As this is not only silly but also impractical, don’t jump under someone’s protection until you check him/her out. If you meet your “protector” at a local dungeon, ask around (including other subs.) If you met online, find real time people who know him and ask! The keyword is “ask.”

3. Use your “bullshit-detector.” Don’t simply rely on detective work and testimonials alone. Use your bullshit-detector. (If you don’t have one, they are on sale, this week only, on kinkweekly.com.) Does your gut tell you the Dom/me is honorable or is he/she being deceptive? Honesty is everything if you plan to trust someone else with critical decisions. So, trust your instincts – your built-in “bullshit detector.”

4. Look for red flags. If the protector says, “Don’t go on the Internet…resign from kinkweekly.com…don’t talk to this Dom or that Dom…give me all your passwords…I will screen your friends…I will control all your money…I am your sole source of information, etc.” Any one of these, especially anything having to do with your money, is a big red flag.

5. Don’t be desperate. Often the worst abuse comes when a submissive is at an emotional low point and seeks a “protector” to help sort things out. This is a very human need. However, if you are desperate, it might attract predator Doms who can sense your situation. Search with purpose, not with desperation.

6. Mentor should not be making demands. Ideally, a mentor should be there to help you learn or heal, and he/she should not be making demands or asking for control. Unless this is what you want, this should be a red flag.

7. Don’t get bum-rushed. If your potential protector says, “Now,” this is another red flag. True story: I was at a local dungeon with my collared slave and a play partner. Play partner leaves us, checking out the play space; half hour later she comes back and states, “I cannot talk to you anymore, I am under the protection of Lord Bla Bla Bla,” whom she just met. Shortly thereafter, she left the lifestyle in disgust. The world won’t end if you wait a week or two. (Although watching the news, I am not so sure.)

8. Negotiate. Just as you should negotiate a Dom/sub relationship, you should negotiate the rules of protection. Don’t leave it as a vague concept that basically gives the “protector” more influence in your life than even a Dom/me! Be specific – set hard limits and specify where the mentor’s areas of control and/or protection begin and end. For example, many subs want a protector to be with them at BDSM events and parties, so they don’t attend alone. This could be where the protector’s duties begin and end. Or, there could be more. No matter what, obligations and limits should be negotiated.

9. Have fun. As I have stressed over and over again, BDSM should be fun. If your mentor makes the whole process “un fun,” you are losing out. The last thing you need is to make BDSM a chore. (Unless, if course you enjoy not having fun. In which case, disregard this tip!)

Although the concept of mentoring and protection is an admirable one, one should never forget to always be vigilant. Not paranoid, vigilant. I hope these tips will keep you on your toes and, should you seek out a mentor/protector, you will choose wisely!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Opinion: Swingers and BDSM

September 19, 2016 By anniebear 10 Comments

This topic is often fraught with controversy and angst. We have two very different lifestyles yet they both are on the fringe; often hidden from others or concealed behind closed doors, whispered about among friends. I consider myself a BDSM lifestyler first but have most definitely dabbled in the swinger lifestyle in the past. I’d like to make the case for BDSM and swingers to live in harmony and even so far as to say they can live as one! I know I’m going to get some backlash from this, but I’m hopeful about the potential these two communities have.

I know plenty of dungeons that hold separate BDSM and swinger events but very few that host crossover events. Goddess Fae in San Diego has been championing the cause at her Dungeon Black. You go girl! It’s often touted that the two communities cannot cohabitate. The swinger group is horrified by acts of BDSM it is said. The BDSM group is appalled at the lack monogamy and consent that the swingers convey. To this is say hogwash! If I may point out the similarities between the two groups, I think it will be fairly obvious that they have more in common than not. There is also the negative connotation surrounding the word “swinger” in the mainstream context. People assume that swingers are sex-crazed fiends who attend drug and alcohol fueled parties. I’ve found the reality to be to the contrary. There is a similar misconception about BDSM parties being full of big scary men who grab and cart off unwilling women into dark rooms to beat and torture. Sound familiar?

Safety
Both groups encourage safe play and sex practices. Some swinger parties even model the BDSM parties by having “monitors” or folks who walk around making sure everyone is alright and rules are being followed.

Consent
As always, consent is key for both communities. People can’t just go in and start banging (or banging on) anybody they want. While some swinger parties have more relaxed rules or a general “open consent” vibe, a person still reserves the right to say, “No thanks, I’m not interested.” Those who push this point or consistently break it tend to fall out of favor (and out of invites) fairly quickly.

Curiosity
Everyone has a curiosity about one another. There are a lot of folks that crossover between the two and information is exchanged.

Communication
Not unlike BDSM couples, I’ve found that folks in the swinger community are awesome communicators. You have to be just as open with your partner and potential partners about limits, wants and desires.

It’s safe to say that some folks in the swinger lifestyle will simply not be into bondage and spanking but it’s not necessarily the case where they will be appalled. In these fringe communities, people have a broader understanding and acceptance of things that are not “normal” by vanilla standards.

I’d like to think if the two communities had a bit more practical understanding of the other, then the two could combine to make some pretty awesome collaborations. There are mutual skillsets to share, not to mention a larger pool of kink-minded folks to befriend and who doesn’t want more BDSM acceptance?

I’d love to open up a discussion about this. Please chat with me about your thoughts and experiences in the comments!

Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.

Consent is Key

August 8, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

“Consent is key.” People in the scene say this all the time. This is because it’s true. Consent is what separates responsible BDSM and abuse. I can, unfortunately, give several examples of consent violation that I’ve witnessed or experienced personally. I’d be willing to bet that anyone in the scene longer than a week can say the same. (ok that may be a bit of an exaggeration – but not by much) Someone walking over and picking up someone else’s toy without asking – better yet picking it up and then using it. A D-type grabbing an s-type by their hair who doesn’t belong to them. Someone being asked to help in a scene by holding the s-types leg, then they proceed to let their fingers wander to places they had no right to touch. An s-type starting to worship a D-type’s boots when the D-type is in the middle of play and has not been asked to join.

Those were all examples that I witnessed or was connected to in some way. That was by no means a complete list. These things are simply not ok. Period. Ever. It seems as if this type of behavior has increased a bit recently. I have a couple theories as to why. Now, my theories don’t explain all incidences obviously. Heck, my theories may be totally off. They come from my own observations and experiences. Also, some people are just asshats – that has been, and will probably always account for, some percentage of the problem.

Theory number 1: It’s a new generation of kinksters. Rules, protocol, old tradition, etc. have been watered down. The next gen is doing it differently. This is fine and, regardless of my opinion about it, is the way life goes. Yet with that has also come a more “casual kink” mentality. We’ve also had many new people arrive into the community after being exposed to pop culture representations of how they think things are – which is not even close to reality.

Theory number 2: It used to be that the kink and swinger communities were fairly separate from one another – with very little overlap. However, with the further acceptance of kink and the growing curiosities about it, it seems that overlap is growing quickly. I am going to make a generalization here – so please don’t jump down my throat telling me this doesn’t apply to all swingers. Disclaimer: I realize that this theory does NOT speak to ALL swingers – or perhaps even most. However, based on, again, my observations and personal experiences it would seem that consent is dealt with very differently in these two communities. From my perspective in the swinger scene, consent is assumed until it is removed – while in the kink scene, consent is not assumed until given. This difference can, and does, easily contribute to at least a portion of the rise in consent violation. (Again, in my opinion.)

Then there are the aforementioned asshats.

In all cases I think education is the key. Whether that means suggesting people go to classes or if one-by-one we find “teachable moments” to pass down the knowledge we possess if we are more seasoned kinksters. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt, especially if they’re new, that they don’t know any better. However, if they continue to cross boundaries and ignore consent expectations then that’s where behavior is no longer tolerated.
So, if you’re new – educate yourself. Go to classes, ask questions. If you’re not new, try to find ways to kindly pass down the knowledge you have. Consent is key.

The Vanilla – Kink Pendulum

May 9, 2016 By Jenn Masri 2 Comments

The signs for me that the pendulum has been hangin’ out on the vanilla end too long are fairly easy for me to read at this point. My stress level seems higher than should be expected in relation to the amount of stress I’m under, or the level that I’m normally able to handle better. I get more irritable, tearful, and emotional. When hormones aren’t to blame I know what is. Too much vanilla time. It’s almost as if my stress doesn’t have a place to go and so it builds and builds.

People may look at my life and wonder how I could ever feel this way. I mean I am in a D/s relationship, I work in the scene, I attend munches, host a play party, etc. How in the world could my life be “too vanilla”?? It’s not so much that my life gets vanilla – kink is always a part of my life since it makes up my livelihood as well as much of my social life. However, if I don’t have enough personal kink I get wound up tighter than a two dollar watch. What do I mean by “personal kink”? I mean play where I’m the bottom. It’s how I relieve my stress and get emotional crap out of my system.

On the other hand there are times when the pendulum swings in the opposite direction. Maybe it’s parties back to back in the same weekend. Maybe it’s multiple scenes in one night. Or perhaps it’s only one scene amongst several kink events within a short amount of time. Whatever the case, I do find myself occasionally needing more “vanilla time”. Not that the D/s dynamic goes away of course, nor my kinky mind. But perhaps it just sounds good to stay home and watch a movie or binge something on Netflix. Craving “down time” with no make-up, my hair piled on my head and a comfy pair of yoga pants. Hanging out with my high school (vanilla) friends or other friends who are outside the scene.

I believe most people swing on this pendulum. It’s nearly impossible to maintain a perfect balance all the time. But that’s really what it’s all about. Balance. Knowing that it’s ok to feel too heavy on one side or the other because you can shift and start to swing the other way. My biggest take away message would be to not let it frustrate you. I see people all the time start to feel irritated when they are missing kink or “life” takes them away from the scene for a while. I get it – I find myself getting flustered as well. Mainly because it manifests itself as the symptoms I listed at the start of this article. However, I try to remind myself that it’s all about priority, finding time, and creating balance. Even if things start to shift in the opposite way that’s alright. You can shift again. We are very lucky in Los Angeles that there are events happening almost every day. So it really is up to us to take control of our pendulum.

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