The following question is a variant of a popular “where do I begin” type question. But the key word here is “variant.” Within this question is the common dilemma of a couple that must learn at two different speeds. Thus, my answer should be instructive to beginners regardless of how steep their learning curve is.
Reader: My wife and I have both discovered online BDSM simultaneously. She is turned on by submission but is not into pain. I am excited by Dominance, and the thought of spanking her hard excites me. How do we proceed? Is this a do-able arrangement because of the pain disparity?
The fact that you are a Dom and she is a submissive bodes well for your situation. Had you both been Dominants, or both been subs, your question would be directed at the divorce lawyers rather than me. But, before you worry about the pain/no pain aspects of your relationship, I suggest you first try to establish a D/s hierarchy. Of course, since you are both beginners, reading about BDSM on kinkweekly.com (plug, plug!) or exchanging ideas on fetlife.com is highly recommended.
The easiest way to proceed is by introducing small aspects of D/s into your everyday life. For example, choose a restaurant and order for your wife. Start to be more dominant in your everyday life and see how she takes to it. It is one thing to want to be a Dominant or a submissive; it is quite another thing to actually do it. Thus, small forays into the world of the power exchange are a good place to begin.
Establishing honorifics should be the next item on your agenda. Addressing the Dominant as “Sir,” “Master” or some other honorific reinforces the D/s aspects of your relationship. Surely calling your Dom “Sir” packs a more powerful wallop than calling him “shnookems.” These might appear to be minor changes. But, a D/s relationship is a compendium of many minor behavioral modifications. Starting with the proper honorifics is a small but vital step.
I might also start to add some protocols, like the greeting ritual. You should instruct your wife how to great you when you return from work. Typically, this consists of kneeling down and kissing the feet or shoes of the Dominant. Or, it can be a specific verbal salutation. You can vary it to your desires, but a show of submission is often just what is needed to reaffirm the hierarchy of your relationship.
Now comes the fun part! It is time to establish a D/s dynamic in the bedroom. You might not have – or want — a 24/7 Master/slave arrangement; but, at the very least, you should have established enough of a power exchange so that it should naturally spill over in the bedroom. Even without pain, I am sure you will enjoy having your wife as your sex slave. This might just be enough for you. After all, not all D/s relationships involve pain. But, if you want to expand it into the pain end of the BDSM spectrum, I will suggest a strategy that might work wonders.
While you are having sex, make sure to spank your wife in the butt. As she will be in the throws of passion, she will learn to associate pain with the pleasure of sex. Many women enjoy the pain of spanking during sex – even vanilla women. But, in your case, you must make a special effort to give some demonstrative spanks that are BDSM-specific and pack a sting. The key is to make her connect your spanks (or some other pain) with the pleasure of sex. This is a great way of turning her on to pain without making a big deal of it. If she likes it, then you can negotiate a full-blown BDSM scene. As her trust level goes up, so will her willingness to go the extra mile for you.
If, on the other hand, she just won’t countenance any pain, you might still be in luck. You might be able to negotiate playing with a professional submissive at a local dungeon with your wife present. But, if all attempts fail, at the very least you have a well trained submissive both in and out of the bedroom. And that isn’t all that bad. As Steven Wright, the comedian said, “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”
About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.