“Mistress, please just break me down.”
“I’ll be anything you want.”
“Remind me that I am nothing.”
These are all “sexy phrases” I’m assuming submissives have heard or seen in porn or worse? I say assume because for me, phrases like these immediately take me out of my dominant headspace and replaces it with a big “huh?!”. End scene. Do not pass go. Do not collect $200.
Over the years, I’ve said many times to many a “willing” s-type, “No, I won’t break you.”
I pride myself on having a viper tongue and have happily brought people to tears in minutes with some of my humilatrix skills. And even I can’t get off on this fantasy filled with a high risk of lasting negative effects. Where on Earth did this idea come from this perception as the ultimate way to show/earn submission; by offering up the very special pieces of yourself for potentially permanent damage?
I have not, and will not, intentionally “break someone down”. Into what exactly?
I have no interest in taking someone who thinks they are beneath me as a person to an even lower point than where they already are mentally and emotionally. When someone offers themselves to me in this way, my human nature instinct kicks in and I want to do the opposite.
I want to help you. I want to remind you that you don’t need to be broken down to be good at submitting or offering your service to me or anyone else. You’re better than that. You deserve more. Don’t give away your power. Yada yada. (I say this a lot but it doesn’t seem like submissives want to hear this).
Honestly, I wouldn’t know what “breaking” someone even looks like! People in BDSM have a flair for the dramatics and I chalk this phrase and idea up to just that. I also know some people like drama and feed into false realities thus getting themselves in situations they can’t get out of.
This ignorant perpetuation of metaphorically “breaking” someone needs to be stopped in its tracks. Even if one has only a desire to be “broken” during certain scenes or in specific dynamics, it’s a dangerous game to play on top of already playing the dangerous game of BDSM.
What does this look like to me? Or you? Is it simply cutting you off from everything and everyone until I have your full attention or is it deeper? Does it just mean you’re allowing me to play with you in a way you don’t prefer or detest? Is it catharsis? Will you be the same after it? Will I? As with most things, it’s up for interpretation and that’s where trouble can start. It seems that “breaking” may be a difficult concept to discuss in general because people have such varied definitions of it, and even if everyone is using the same denotation, connotation will vary based on personal experience.
You break in shoes not people.
It’s hard a sell to be totally responsible for someone else’s emotional state to a possible point of no return. The emotional Rubicon. One where you feel you are inflicting significant and notable changes to a person’s life choices, sense of self worth, purpose, and unique personality. Breaking someone to me, always correlates to ‘trauma bonding’, unresolved emotional or self-esteem issues, or worse in my mind.
There’s no such thing as giving away your free will.
Throughout my experience, I’ve come to embrace the abundance of power I feel when I help someone find their power. When instead of breaking them, I build them up using opposing tactics.
Want to truly give up resistance?
My favorite is chastity. Giving someone the literal key to your sexual pleasure is a completely hot mindfuck.
Need help getting to your goals?
Let me incentivize you with a kinky reward. Elaborate scenes or kinks you’ve longed to try are a good place to start.
Have annoying habits?
Devotion by conscious submission is heavenly. My submissive had been smoking nearly a dozen cigarettes every day for the last 5 years when we met. If he wanted to prove to me he wanted to be mine, he’d have to give up that nasty habit. Which he did with help from me as his Mistress. Small victories can bring on more self control and focus.
Are you feeling low on self esteem?
Submitting as asked/commanded can be a mood booster. Not only are you helping someone, you most likely are going to receive a compliment or positive interaction from it. Keep doing right by your dominant and revel in the heady feeling of what being meant for your role feels like. Explore the feelings of prideful satisfaction.
To be honest, I don’t know anyone personally who would say they have experienced this mythical “breaking down”. If I’ve chosen you as my submissive, it’s because I like what makes you, you. I respect you. I honor your ability to consent or not at any time. As a Femdom I just want to help you lower your barriers and inner inhabitions to act like the kinky fuckslut you are. I want you to feel something that you don’t allow yourself to feel anywhere else.
I don’t want to break you.
And if you’re asking someone this heavy question… I dare you to think about what putting yourself back together looks like because it will most likely be a solo journey.
About the Author
d20domme is unapologetically kinky after over 10 years in the community. She is known as pint-height, poly(androus), plus-size, POC, 24/7 Femdom who knows what she wants and will use her craft in mindfuckery and persuasive viper tongue to get it. Her main kink is normalizing kinky lifestyles across the board and thus she can often be found writing on her blog From Mundane To Mistress, chatting away on podcasts, teaching classes, demos, or presenting locally in the Washington, DC area, New York, and sometimes across the pond in Europe.
words of wisdom