Ms. Rika

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

Each week, I get a number of emails from couples who are struggling with issues regarding their power dynamics. I’ve noticed that often, they are looking for insights or tips to manage conflicts stemming from communication gaps and differences in intent between partners. 

One of the commonly raised issues is a feeling that one partner is not as actively involved in the power dynamic as the other – leaving one feeling alone in their commitment. The suspicion that the dynamic only exists their mind is a lonely and unsettling feeling. 

By far, the major causes of this feeling are the realities of daily life. Pressures of family, jobs, time, etc. weigh on our minds and we can easily get distracted from the interaction with our partners. This is not a D/s phenomenon; it exists in many aspects of relationships – but when it seems that one partner has forgotten the dynamic in times of stress or high-activity, it leaves the impression that they don’t value the dynamic. This is usually not true, but the feeling is very real, nevertheless. When faced with this situation, many subs withdraw, become sullen, or act up in rather non-submissive ways in an attempt to gain the dominant’s involvement. 

To overcome this fear, it’s important to periodically redeclare our involvement in the power dynamic – To touch base with each other, communicating that we’re still active and involved – even when other pressures are distracting us. 

For submissives, the act of declaration is a bit easier. Subs reaffirm their commitment with their every dominant-centric action. The dedication they show in foregoing sub-centric focus for the fulfillment of the dominant, communicates their involvement. For the dominant, particularly in a dominant-centric dynamic, redeclaration can be a bit trickier, because you have to be careful to avoid the possibility that your affirmation will be interpreted in a sub-centric context or force them to act against their natural flow. 

There are varied ways for the dominant to safely redeclare their involvement. I’ve covered many of these in my previous articles here in Kink Weekly, and also in my books: The use of CERAF (Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback) sends a clear message of active participation. “Simple Gifts” – small, gestures that highlight the imbalance of the power dynamic are a great affirmation tool in the dominant’s arsenal. Capricious denial demonstrates recognized control and power imbalance. Using tools like these, the dominant can communicate their connection to the dynamic in a way that’s unmistakable, while avoiding any undue demands on themselves. 

Redeclaration can be formalized. Sean and Dave, a couple featured in my second book, “Uniquely Us”, took an idea that I had used with my husband, many years ago, and added an interesting technique for redeclaring their dynamic. As I did, Sean gave Dave a two-stranded braided leather band to wear on his right wrist. It became his “clandestine collar”. To the outsider looking in, it’s just a bracelet, but to Sean and Dave (and my husband and I), it represents the two of them, intertwined in their dynamic. The twist that Sean and Dave added, was a standing rule that, whenever they would come together after being 

apart for more than an hour, Dave would kiss the bracelet and say the words, “Thank you”. It’s a very doable routine. The bracelet is on his own wrist. It can be done in public or private, and it’s up to Dave (the sub) to make sure the routine is carried out. In doing so, it redeclares his love and commitment to their dynamic. In watching and acknowledging, Sean reaffirms and allows Dave to feel his presence. Simple. Effective. 

Whether or not you choose a formal manifestation of your affirmation, the advice here is to remain aware of how often you redeclare your commitment to your power dynamic. Never let you partner feel alone. It’s a bit like a kiss before bedtime, every night. 

Redeclaring your connection and letting your partner know that you’re active and involved in the commitment you share, contributes tremendously to the long-termed success of your dynamic. Do it! 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Contact her at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I was looking through articles on autonomous vehicles and started to think about my submissives. Strange correlation, you say? Well, maybe not as strange as it seems! 

We have cars because it’s really difficult to walk long distances and it’s quicker and more convenient than riding horses or bicycles. Our goal is to make our lives easier and to get where we’re going in as efficient and effective a manner possible. We COULD choose not to use a car, but using one is much easier on us physically – gives us more free time – and is generally more comfortable. 

When we drive a car, we have some decisions to make: Where do we want to go?…What time do we want to arrive?…Which route should we take? Then, as we’re driving, we steer our cars, redirecting the energy and power of the vehicle to get us where we want to go. Steering a car does not require a lot of physical work, certainly not when compared to the energy levels necessary to transport us there, but there is some work and planning required. 

Emotional connection to my submissives aside, I find the utilitarian nature of having a submissive to be particularly analogous to that of my automobiles. Like planning a trip, there is work for me to do: I know what I want, I spend time (energy) introspecting and determining direction, I communicate that to my submissive – and EXPECT my submissive to work to get us there. I adjust the sub’s energy, not much differently than how I make micro-adjustments when I drive my car and the car starts to drift out of lane. I’m “working” by direction setting, planning, and adjusting, but just as the car is doing the physical labor of moving us, I look to the submissive to generate the labor energy to get the tasks complete. 

Reading about autonomous cars brought this analogy to the next level. In the near future, we are going to tell our car where we want to go – and our car is going to figure out the most efficient and most effective route, suggest the best time to leave, and then make it happen, keeping itself in lane automatially. Could we override and adjust those decisions? Sure. But, as any of us who’ve “disobeyed” Waze has likely already concluded, most of the time, it will be easier and better, to let the car do what it needs to do to avoid traffic and get us there safely. 

I have always viewed my subs in a similar way. I believe that two minds are better than one, when it comes to problem solving and execution. My sub has a brain, I choose to use it. As my sub gets to know me – my tastes, and my preferences – he becomes more and more like an autonomous vehicle. I communicate my preferences, and then he does the work to figure out what will be the most effective and efficient means to get that done. Sure, I can override his decisions and am free to make adjustments along the way (I may feel like taking a specific route), but most of the time, it is far more practical (and far less stressful) to allow him to do the work to get me where I want to go. 

Having a sub, like having a car, makes accomplishing a task easier. I still need to decide where I want to go – and I still need to monitor and adjust – but the better my sub understands and internalizes my preferences and expectations, the more autonomous he becomes, the more valuable he becomes, and the easier life becomes for me. 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

I’m usually focused on the intent of activity rather than the activity itself. However, today I feel like sharing a little technique that I use from time to time with my submissive. It’s nothing particularly innovative, but he finds it kind of mind-blowing, and I enjoy it from a pure control perspective. If you haven’t tried it, you might like it too. 

In my KinkWeekly article “Please Stop” (https://www.kinkweekly.com/special/rikas-lair-please-stop/), I explained how I insist that my sub beg to stop his orgasm, rather than begging to have one. Read the article for more info, if you haven’t read it already. 

Although “Please Stop” is a ‘given’ in my sex play, from time to time, just for fun, I feel like hearing some heartfelt, honest begging. It’s a kinky little game for me – a challenge to see how far I can push my sub to desperation. 

I’ve played with a number of techniques and have arrived at one that really works well – it’s a one-touch, single-finger tease. As it turns out, using “Please Stop” first, sets this technique up nicely, since I know for certain, that he’s less than 5 seconds from his point of no return when he begs me to stop. This makes the perfect time to “attack the edge” with this technique. 

So, I’ll bring him to the point of begging me to stop (usually stopping several times and potentially over several days), then, rather than continuing and bringing him off immediately (within the 5 seconds) when I decide to let him come, I instead switch to a “Feather touch” with just a single finger, barely touching that sweet spot under the head of his penis. The soft touch is a temporary interruption to his progression. It startles him for a second, but then starts to build up to a very intense orgasm – IF I keep my finger on that spot! He’s not usually THAT lucky, however. 

The beauty of the one finger technique, is that it slows him down just before he reaches the point of no return, which makes it easy to keep him right on the edge without allowing him to get off. The slightest departure from the sweet spot and his quest for orgasm will drift aimlessly. Lift the finger and everything stops and waits. Put it back and move it lightly, and it starts to build again immediately- almost exactly where you left off. He’s already teased and primed to come…so it’s really playing with a hair trigger…but because it takes extra time for him to trigger, you have so much control. My goal is to keep him hanging, right on the edge of his orgasm, and completely dependent on me to push him over (tie him up first, if you really want complete physical control). Your sub may vary, but mine trembles and glistens and his penis strains for contact. He gets dumb-mouthed. He can’t think straight. It’s the perfect time to prompt him to debase himself, groveling for orgasm while he’s hanging on a thread – literally at my fingertip! 

When I decide to go this route, I’m throwing away the 5 second rule and starting the process of teetering him on the edge. I can keep him there for as long as I want. Minutes will feel like hours for him. That’s the time to have him BEG…kiss things…lick things…promise things. It’s pure fun. Plus, it still doesn’t mean he gets to come: If I choose to stop at that point, it’s totally devastating for him…which is 

fun too…but when I have him like this, I usually eventually allow his orgasm – it’s just too delicious a build-up to let pass, particularly since my sub is very good at groveling :) 

And that orgasm, with one finger and a light touch, while he’s shamelessly begging without pride, is quite a show. I don’t do anything but keep the finger engaged. No further contact. Maybe I’ll pull his balls a little, just to give me balance. I don’t speed up the stimulation…I just keep a steady gentle glide over the skin on that 3/4 of an inch of sweet spot, and it happens. It’s not a ruined orgasm, but is an intense and somewhat frustrating orgasm. His body shakes and arches and his heart pounds. It seems to go on for a long time. When he’s done, he’s totally winded…spent, yet wanting more. It usually takes him a few moments to talk straight! 

I hope you’ll try this technique with your partner and let me know how it goes for you! Post a comment to this note or write me at, Ms_Rika@hotmail.com 

Enjoy! 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

I often get asked if there are techniques that can be used to keep an active dynamic hidden from prying eyes: Kids, families, friends, etc. The secret (and it’s really no secret) is to recognize that D/s dynamics are between the ears of those involved…and for those not in the know, they can easily be left without any indication of what’s really going on. What you say and how you act are subject to interpretation on the part of the recipient – and therefore have different meanings for your knowing partner than for an unknowing “outsider”. 

In our 33 years together, my husband and I have had plenty of experience with this. Our two children – who both left the house when they were close to 24 years old – to this day have no idea the extent of our dynamic. We’ve had our share of live-in guests (for months at a time) as well as neighbors who’ve dropped by unexpectedly, family get togethers, parties, holidays, etc. The dynamic does not need to take a hiatus, or even a back seat, during these times. It just takes a little planning and up-front communications. 

Here are some ideas I recommend: 

1. The basics: The submissive commits to being a doting, dedicated, responsive partner – without  the dominant needing to manipulate them. The sub pays attention to the dominant and disciplines them self to remain focused on the dominant’s needs, without being all outwardly slavish. This is good practice, even without the need to keep things under wraps – and it’s what I’ve been conveying in this column for months! 2. If the dominant asks for something to be done, the sub does it as if it’s an order. The sub maintains focus on the dominant, which gives the opportunity for the sub to proactively recommend things that they can do for the dominant – who then only needs to politely accept or decline them. The sub can offer a massage rather than being told to do one. Offer to cook dinner – and then just clean up after, without any words. Keep the house clean as if they actually want to see it clean! If the sub sees the dominant dealing with something, they offer to help. Proactive suggestions make it easy for the dominant to simply ALLOW service to happen without raising suspicion around them. The sub simply appears to be a caring, selfless partner – the envy of those around them! 3. Establish an inconspicuous hand signal, gesture, or phrase for the dominant that says, “This is not an order…I really want your input” – This will make doing suggestion #2 (interpreting every request as an order) more realistic. Using this signal, if the dominant asks, “Do you want to go to the movies?”, the sub knows that the real question is “what do you really want?” and would answer truthfully. Whereas, if no signal is given, the question, “Do you want to go to the movies” means “We’re going to the movies”- and a more correct answer might be, “Yes! Do you have a film you want to see, or do you want me to pick one that we might like?” (which, of course, really means, “YOU would like”). 4. Establish another pair of hand signals, gestures, or phrases that say either, “Good sub… You’re doing a great job of serving me!” – AND – “Hey…you aren’t living up to your end of this agreement…snap to it!” This gives the dominant a way of providing feedback on how the arrangement is going at the time, letting the sub know that the dominant is active and involved with the dynamic, and also giving the dominant a way of letting the sub know that they recognize their efforts and also inform them if they’re missing something that they could be doing. 5. If BDSM activities are part of the dynamic, some activities will have to be curtailed. You’ll need to forego impact play and anything that generates loud sounds, moans or screams. However, you can certainly use bondage, clamps, clothespins, icy hot, anal toys, T&D, chastity, gags, etc. There are PLENTY of things that can be done that don’t generate anything but hard breathing or a low moan! Orgasm control is always a good quiet, private practice…If the dominant chooses to, the sub might go as long as the two months that the sub’s brother is living in the house, without ever getting more than REALLY CLOSE to an orgasm! Of course, the sub would have to keep the begging under control…no matter how desperate they become (poor baby!)!

These are all things that don’t “show” to the outside world. The dynamic is between the two partners and does not need to extend outside of their mutual understanding. There is a bit of maturity and self- discipline required to make it work – but that’s actually really good practice for when guests aren’t around and you just want your dynamic to extend into your lifestyle. 

Hope these ideas help. Have fun! 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

I was recently having a conversation with a friend on FetLife, who was lamenting that none of the women he met have been willing to control his orgasm. He referred to it as his “Chastity Fetish”. 

When we first started talking, I was under the impression that it had to be chastity itself…the use of a device to make him unable to orgasm. However, in discussing what turned him on, it became clear that it wasn’t the device, but rather the control it gave his partner, that excited him. He had read my book, “The Joy of Denial” and found that the depictions of women deliberately building desire in a man, only to control him through control of that very same desire, pushed his buttons the right way. He recognized that the key he truly wanted was for control to be in his partner’s hands…and not necessarily, a physical key. He asked me if I thought there’d be more women interested in controlling a man’s orgasm without a device than with one and whether the lack of success he had found in finding a “keyholder” was due to that. 

My response was that, from my experience, there are certainly more women who would enjoy deciding if/when their partner gets to come without a device than with one. I’m not knocking chastity devices, but to some people, the device is often off-putting: Requiring cleaning, privacy, baggy clothing, pomp and circumstance, maintenance, fear of disclosure, etc. Plus, it’s always there, always pulling attention to itself and to the guy’s plight. This makes the dynamic sub-centric. Having the power to have final word on a guy’s orgasm is something we can enjoy, with or without a device – so the odds of finding someone to control yours will be better if you’re not requiring a device. That’s just simple math. 

Our conversation then turned to ways he can improve the success rate in general terms. I explained that every woman will be different, and that my advice would not be true for all people he met…but that most women I know (and me) would enjoy controlling their man’s orgasms – under certain conditions: 

• He does not become demanding of their attention, just because it’s been a while When orgasm control becomes annoying is when the guy starts to push and hint and worse, act up, because it’s been a while since his last orgasm. The bottom line is that the longer he goes without an orgasm, the more he’s thinking about his denial. HIS awareness of his denial is escalating, but hers may not be changing at all. This widens the gap of perception and impact between them. When this gets out of balance, some guys begin to get pushy…demanding attention. This is not the right way to handle it. I would prefer the guy ask me for that attention: “Please Rika, it’s been a really long time and I’m aching. Please consider allowing me to orgasm sometime soon“. And then, that’s it. He’s put it out there and I’ve heard him…it’s under advisement…now it’s back to my time frames. 
• He does not lose his aggressiveness and initiative This is probably the thing that drives most women away from orgasm denial. The fear that the man will become docile and won’t show his desire for us. There is a difference between a man showing desire for a woman and showing desire for his own orgasm. There’s a difference between him being turned on by her, and him being turned on by what she’s doing to him. If a 

man wants a woman to enjoy denying him, he needs to show her that SHE is the object of his desire…not just the denial. We all want to feel special. She’s THE woman he’s with…not just “A woman who is keeping him chaste”. She likely still wants to see him initiate action, be assertive and aggressive and to show his desire of her. Of course, resolution is now at her whim, but that doesn’t mean he should become passive (unless that’s what she wants…in which case, trust me, she’ll tell him!) 

• He does not become all wimpy and weak This goes with the last bullet. The guy can’t become a sniveling worm because she controls when he gets to orgasm. Chances are, she got to know him before he introduced this control concept to her. She likes him enough to consider this. That can’t change. He needs to be himself…the person she likes. 
• It’s his responsibility to avoid orgasm Sometimes, women shy away from orgasm control because they are unsure of their own ability to actually anticipate and control that orgasm. There is a myth that there is this special tell-tale signal that precedes an orgasm that, if you can become in tuned to, will result in perfect timing every time. It’s simply not true and it causes a great deal of anxiety and fear of failure. A woman can get to know her partner very well…but if he’s trying to hide the signs, or has a bad day, or just is normal, it is VERY hard to achieve perfect timing, every time. There WILL be mistakes, there will be ineffective attempts at spin off (where the guy isn’t really close). If a guy wants this to work, he doesn’t want to put pressure on her to master the art of reading him. She will not enjoy his denial; it will be a chore rather than the powerful control that’s desired. 

Better, as far as I’m concerned, is to put the onus on the guy to let me know when he’s close…and shift that responsibility back on him. “Tell me when you’re really close and I’ll decide if I let you orgasm” is a very effective way of doing that. Exactly how a couple implements that will depend on their tastes: Guys usually want to beg for orgasm (“Can I come…please?“). As I’ve written in my article “Please Stop”, I personally don’t want to hear that…I prefer to have them beg me to stop (“Please stop, or I will orgasm“). There’s also the “number system”, where the guy tells the woman exactly where he is on his orgasm progression by using a number between 1 and 10, where 10 is “Too late”. They need to experiment, and the guy needs to follow whatever she finds more pleasing. 

Regardless of the method, I like to put a check and balance into place to avoid the guy “cheating” about how close he is to an orgasm. As I wrote in “Please Stop” and my other books, I implement the 5 second rule: If he tells me he’s close, he’d better be. If I decide to let him orgasm, he has to start to come within a 5 count, or he won’t be coming, guaranteeing that the onus of “perfect timing” falls on him. I like the irony that he has to become his own executioner and be so active in creating his own frustration. 

Armed with this approach, he’s going back out to try to introduce orgasm control to his partners. I hope to hear back that he has success! I hope also, that you too get some insights that will help you. 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, 

Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you’ve been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I was working with a couple dealing with conflicts of identity and role. Several months ago, the woman reached out to me on Fetlife, asking for help convincing her husband/master to extend their bedroom dynamic into a lifestyle. After building an e-friendship, the three of us got together to see if I could help them. 

They had been married for 15 years and had incorporated BDSM-like activities in the bedroom. As we chatted, I learned their story: They were high school sweethearts, remained friends through college, and found each other again once both had hit the workforce. They had a short romance and married. About eight years into the marriage, and a few unsuccessful attempts at starting a family, they were dealing with stress in the bedroom. They had played with power dynamics in their early years and decided to use that to rekindle the flame in the bedroom. She took on the submissive role and he became her “Master”. 

Over the next five years, their playtime increased. She was, by far, the instigator. She was active on Fetlife and spent a lot of her time reading up on BDSM toys and techniques. She introduced new ideas to try. He learned as much as he could, took a seminar on rope work in San Francisco, and a class on flogging at a local bookstore. A year before she reached out to me, she had suggested bringing another man into the equation as her husband’s second sub. It was not received well. They fought about it and it put a crimp in their dynamic’s progress. They had been searching for solutions, since. 

As I often do, I had separate conversations with each of them, trying to understand the way they viewed their dynamic and looking for differences to discuss. They had some, but interestingly, the most telling outcome wasn’t in their differences, rather, in one particular similarity they shared: The intent with which they BOTH approached their dynamic was the same: To please HER! 

If you’ve been reading my articles, and if you’ve read any of my books on D/s dynamics, you know I’m a strong proponent of dominant-centric submission: I ask the dominant to introspect and answer the question, “What do YOU really want?” as a means of assuring that the definition of submission is based on the preferences of the dominant. 

In this situation, everything about their power dynamic revolved around her preferences. He was the dominant, but he was entirely focused on perfecting his behavior to maximize her reaction to it. His pleasure in their dynamic was, “The joy of knowing I can please her”. He showed me a few books and articles she had given him, in which she had highlighted the scenes she enjoyed and wanted to try. He shared that when they complete a scene, she tells him what worked and what didn’t, and what he should do more or less of. When I asked him how he measures his ability as a dominant, he laughed and answered, “I ask her!” And most telling, when I asked him what she does for him – that truly serves HIM, he couldn’t grasp that it was NOT a redundant question, and that he had not already answered it! 

Most people won’t enjoy dominating if their submissive isn’t enjoying submitting. However, this level of direction from her struck me as an issue. It was clear that no matter how many honorifics you put before 

his name, he was NOT the dominant in their relationship! This wasn’t a case of “topping from below” – because he didn’t appear to be all that interested in being “above”. Also, she wasn’t complaining about his style of dominance or lack of creativity. She was scripting it. 

This led to a pointed discussion with her. Our previous conversations focused on her stated desire to extend their dynamic into a full-time lifestyle, but now I was questioning her motivation. Was she really ready to let him change his style of dominance to a lifestyle, where his preferences were primary? Did she just want more “topping” or did she really want her husband to demand more for himself? Would she even be able to stand that? 

I probed in these areas. At the end of the conversation, she admitted to being the natural dominant in their relationship and, more importantly, that she really had no interest in actually serving anyone. She enjoyed having him focused on serving her preferences and liked the fact that he was fulfilled by her pleasure. Still, she enjoyed being the slave. He had become adept at the techniques she taught him. He was a good student (as are most good submissives). 

She was having a bit of an identity crisis; not being able to rationalize her desire to enjoy the endorphin rush, moments of helplessness, and release that BDSM provided, against her natural dominance. She was conflicted…and searching for a change. 

Things became clarified. Since we now agreed that she was the real dominant in the relationship, I asked HER: “What do you REALLY want?” 

Ultimately, she wanted a “Service Top”. She didn’t realize such a thing existed: A submissive who, as part of their service to their dominant, acts as the top in BDSM scenarios. In all other ways, she enjoyed her husband’s submissive nature. In fact, she intimated that she might like to extend his role as her submissive – provided she could still “Demand” a master in the bedroom. He seemed quite agreeable to that notion. 

As I said in my latest book, “Uniquely Dominant”, you never know what a situation really entails when you’re on the outside of the window looking in. You need to individualize your dynamics and flow where preferences take you. It’s not WHAT you do, it’s WHY you do what you do. 

As for these two, only time will tell where this will go. I will keep track of their progress and try to help out with any other complications that arise. By the time this article reaches publication, it’s likely that a couple of more months will have gone by. If you’re interested in their progress, contact me here or on Fetlife…or via email (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com). 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I’d like to share a little fun I have on those occasions when I feel like playing with power dynamics in scenes. These are not my definition of submission for my sub, they’re situations where I just feel like putting my power out there on display and playfully enjoy rubbing my sub’s nose in it, a bit. 

Being the dominant affords me the right to flaunt my authority from time to time. Being the sub means that sometimes, my partner is going to have to deal with inequities…and, if I choose to leverage that my whim is his gospel, he’s just going to have to suck it up and deal with it! 

There are innumerous ways to demonstrate capricious control. Here are two that I particularly enjoy. Both relate to the façade of “negotiation”, where I’m willing negotiate with my partner – Only, since I’m holding all of the cards – the “negotiation” is completely one-sided. 

1) The Lesser of Two Evils The first “technique” is when I open a negotiation by allowing him to argue for what he interprets as the lesser of two evils. He doesn’t get to choose one, he gets to try to convince me to choose the one he would rather have. He’s not going to avoid having to endure something he doesn’t like, he’s going to be allowed to negotiate to get the one he dislikes less. 

I know the things he really doesn’t enjoy…so, I choose two, set them against each other in a “This-or- That”, and let him negotiate to receive one. To motivate the most from the bargaining, you have to make one at least a little less distasteful than the other: “Today you’re going to be caned on the bottoms of your feet (something he doesn’t like), or you’re going to eat dogfood from the soles of my boots (something he REALLY doesn’t like)…convince me to choose one”. 

This leads to a very interesting negotiation. First, the irony of having to negotiate for something you don’t like is difficult enough…and I’m going to insist that his negotiations are heart-felt or he won’t be able to convince me. Secondly, there isn’t much he can offer that I can’t have anyway…since he’s my sub and already has committed to do whatever I want him to. Not only could I get anything he can offer without making concessions, but if I wanted him to, he’d be enduring both things anyway. He has to work pretty hard. 

This is a really powerful and fun technique. As those who have read my first book, “Uniquely Rika” know, irony can be used to demonstrate power. This is certainly one of those situations! He has to face his helplessness in this context, and has to face that something unpleasant is going to happen, simply because I deem it so. 

2) Just Before the Point of No Return Those who have read my books or even my previous articles, know that I enjoy Tease & Denial games (See my “Please Stop… article in KinkWeekly”). One of the best times to establish a one-sided negotiation is when a sub has been teased and denied to the point that he’s ready to offer just about anything for release. Again, as his dominant, I can have anything I want, anytime I want…this is just a fun 

game that enhances his feeling of desperation and builds to a more enjoyable scene (T&D does not create submission…it creates desire that I control – and hence creates dependence on my whim for his pleasure. Fun for both of us ) 

The technique is to get him very close to orgasm and then hold him at the edge without going over. The longer you can hold him on the edge, the more powerful this negotiation becomes. I’ve found this to be easier if you get him to the edge using a feather touch…just a single finger, strategically placed on the most sensitive spots. I will use full hand motions and stroking until he gets to the “Please Stop” point, then shift to a single finger under the frenum and continue building him like that until he’s a second away…and then just stop contact. I have found that guys will float right at the edge of orgasm for many seconds until they start to calm down a bit, and then, another feather touch will quickly bring them back to that point – over and over again. If you know your sub’s body, you can keep him there as long as you please. The light touch slows his progress down enough to allow you to get the timing just right. 

This is when I start the “negotiation”. It can start with simple things and grow as you wish: ”Kiss my ass if you want a chance to orgasm”…”If I let you orgasm, do you agree to eat it all up?” (They love that one)…”Make up a poem for me…right now!”…”I want a new car!” You can be as random as you like and demand as many things as you want…make the tasks as difficult as you wish. Let him convince you to let him orgasm. He’ll fall all over himself trying to fulfill his end of the negotiation. 

Or, you can introduce a predicament. I was shown a video where a dominant had her sub at this point, and offered him the option of having intercourse without an orgasm, or getting an orgasm without intercourse. It was sweet to watch him try to process that choice (after a great deal of deliberation during which she continued his brutal tease, he opt’d for the orgasm, which she promptly ruined). 

If you want to have some fun…try these techniques with your submissive. Let your imagination run free! Reach out to me and tell me how you like them! 

Rika. 

Ms. Rika (Ms_Rika@hotmail.com) is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A-Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

I’ve recently heard the term “Role Reversal” used in the context of female-led power dynamics and it struck me that this is likely a source of confusion for many couples. I thought I would explore that here today. NOTE: For this discussion, I’m deliberately ignoring the misogynistic implication of the presumption that males are naturally the dominant partner, and allowing that stereotype to influence my response. I’ll leave that battle to another discussion! 

The common notion is that when a woman is the dominant in a relationship, she is taking on the stereotypical male role. For example: FLR (Female Led Relationship) is often described as the “1950’s man of the house” role now being assumed by the woman. Or when a woman wants to be the aggressor in the bedroom, the stereotypical imagery of the dominant male in leather and chains, must be transitioned for her to be believable. The porn-industry takes this to the extreme: It’s almost mandatory that videos with female dominants have at least one scene where the women are “pegging” guys with strap-ons…or the men are sucking their heels “like it’s a cock”. Basically, the message is that role reversal means “a woman acting like a man”; penetrating their submissives and getting their “cocks” sucked. 

Unfortunately, many people – both men and women – believe this to be true. Many submissive men only will seek women who follow that trope and even try to insist on it, in order to consider her to be dominant. I speak to many women (in and out the D/s realm) who fall into the trap of assuming that “being like a man” equates to freedom and independence – that equality is achieved through mimicry. Maybe that IS what they want to do, but the presumption of “male behavior equaling dominant behavior” overrides the process of individual discovery. 

Many women want to break away from the docile role and seek freedom and independence: Fact. However, many men and women struggle with the notion that a woman who wants independence and freedom may want something different than what a man wants. I have met way too many women who won’t consider being the dominant in a relationship, because they don’t want that stereotype. They end up missing out on something that could be very fulfilling for them. 

So, when we think about changing our roles and define role reversal in this way, we end up limiting ourselves by restricting our own expectations. We basically allow our standards to be set based on a stereotypical scale, rather than determining what being a dominant really means to us – defining what “submission to us” entails – and then setting out to create that in our relationships. If you’re going to be a dominant (male or female), step one is to introspect and determine what you want, regardless of the stereotypes. 

I know this from experience. When I was younger and found myself in relationships where I was in control, I found a thrill in “acting like a guy”. I found myself being rough and demanding, dressing strong, yelling, striking. It was a strange feeling, because although I was enjoying the power, I wasn’t being myself. These scenarios would last for relatively short periods of time – usually a couple of hours, or 

occasionally a day or a weekend at most. It worked for scene-based relationships. But as my relationships matured, the prospect of transitioning that to a full-time, lifestyle D/s dynamic was downright terrifying to me. I could never pretend to be someone that I’m not…not for the rest of my life! I almost missed out on what was my second most fulfilling dynamic (the first being motherhood). Life for me changed when I realized that being a dominant in a D/s relationship in which the submissive is focused on MY definition of submission, is not only more fulfilling, but is doable 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year – because I remain who I am and am not trying to play a role. 

So, my recommendation for all of you budding dominants…and even those who are deep into the scene and looking to extend it to a lifestyle dynamic: This is not “Role Reversal”, because no one is already in YOUR role. The definition of YOUR role is unique. Throw away your preconceived notions of “what dominants do” – and introspect on what makes you happy…whatever that is. Identify what you want, then define submission to be all that enables whatever that is. Communicate that to your submissive. Then enjoy! 

– Rika 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.