Ms. Rika

Rika’s Lair – Fulfilling the Needs of the Submissive: Without Obligating the Dominant

January 20, 2019 By Ms. Rika 9 Comments

Since it’s the first I’m writing to you this year, Happy New Year! I hope you had a festive turn of the year. Here’s to a happy, healthy and prosperous 2019!

I hope you’ve had the opportunity to read my previous three installments in Kink Weekly and are anxious to move forward with your journey into dominant-centered, service-oriented power dynamics! If you haven’t read them yet, you can click on my name in the by-line above to get links to all of the articles. Read from the beginning!

In November, we saw how each relationship carries attributes that are shared between the partners and that continue within a relationship, regardless of the existence of a power dynamic, or not. In December (in two parts), we discussed how the dominant is given a new right, by virtue of the power transfer; the “Right of Expectation”. We then talked about obligations of both the submissive and dominant, and how different they are. Lastly, we discussed CERAF (Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment, and Feedback); a simple series of steps dominants can use to remain an active and involved participant in the dynamic.We also addressed that, while relationships are two-way streets, submission is a one-way transfer of power. We acknowledge that his makes some worry that the sub’s desires will not be fulfilled and the power dynamic will not be healthy.

So, this month, we take the next step, discussing ways by which dominants can consider the needs of their submissives, while remaining the center of their submission. We will avoid obligating the dominant with anything more than was discussed in the previous articles, while making sure both partner’s needs are being fulfilled.

Before tackling this challenge, we need to take a hard look at the difference between “Needs” and “Wants”. Let’s face it, there are things we want and then there are things we need. We’re humans, and like to be pleased, so often, we call things that we “want a lot”, needs…but they’re not really needs…they’re just things we like a lot, want a lot, and desire a lot. A need is something you really can’t continue (whatever it is), without.

We know we can’t live without food, water, and shelter. While there are many more things we want to live, and there are philosophies built around a hierarchy of human desire, these three are simplistically accepted to be the mandatory needs to live. Relationship needs are a bit more complicated and personal. My friend Jen extended it best, “Needs in relationships are things the relationship cannot survive without. Wants are things that make the relationship more enjoyable.” I find this definition to be perfect for this discussion.

In November’s discussion, we discussed the notion of “Mutual Fulfillment of Needs” as being a fundamental requirement of the underlying relationship layer. If you’re going to have longevity in a relationship, any type of relationship, you’ll likely require that your needs are being met by it. If not, you’ll likely stray from the relationship, or end it altogether. Lack of companionship, lack of caring, lack of love…all may be failures in need that lead to the dilution of relationships.

As I mentioned last month, in a non-power relationship, our “wants” are filled when we communicate them and hope that our partner chooses to fulfill them. We then talked about the imbalance of equity and obligation within a power dynamic, where the Right of Expectation, created by the power transfer,

provides “want-fulfillment” for the dominant. The dominant is given the right to expect and even demand to have their wants fulfilled. The submissive isn’t given the same right. While they don’t lose their right – as a partner in a relationship – to ask for their wants fulfilled – and to seek compromise (just like those without a power dynamic), the power dynamic itself does not provide expectation of “want- fulfillment” for the submissive, as it does for the dominant.

So, what does a sub really “need”? It’s an individual thing, of course, but most subs I’ve met feel a real need to dedicate themselves in service, and / or to yield authority, to their dominant partner. This is usually the core need of what they say they want, although the descriptions of their desires are usually crowded with very specific activities – things they like and want. As dominants, we want to address our partner’s needs, but not feel obligated to do so exactly as specified by the submissive, particularly if were not comfortable with the activities requested. Too often, submissives will lobby to get their descriptive wants in the name of “Mutual Fulfillment”. This often materializes as pressure from the sub against the dominant in the form of a demand or ransom (“I will not serve properly unless I get my wants fulfilled too”), or as a complaint (“You’re not dominating me the ‘right’ way”). This is manipulation based on a false premise. Mutual fulfillment is a requirement of relationships, true…but it’s mutual fulfillment of NEED not WANT!

This is not to say that a submissive has to resign themselves to go without what they want. I’d go so far as to say that subs need to know their dominant partner cares enough about them to consider their wants. If we don’t consider a sub’s wants, it can be interpreted as a lack of caring or a lack of interest; both of which can violate their basic needs and threaten the relationship. As dominants, although our wants become our expectations for our subs, their wants are ours to take under advisement. We must avoid being obligated, as a condition of their submission, to fulfilling their wants, but we need to make sure their needs are addressed through honest and open consideration of them.

OK, so how do we demonstrate consideration for a sub’s wants while retaining the purity and “one- directional” nature of their submission? In my first book, “Uniquely Rika”, I introduced the use of “Treats / Gifts” to address this need, and I’ve seen it connect with hundreds of couples since.

A treat / gift is something given randomly; for no particular reason. It is usually unexpected and never demanded. They are given out of the goodness of the dominant’s heart. There are no quid-pro-quos (a ‘this for that’) with a gift. Gifts / treats are not earned as rewards would be. They’re not due the submissive, there are no obligations to give it. There are no promises, no commitments on the dominant’s part. There is no implied contract. They are given, “just because” – and they send VERY clear messages:

I’m going to give you something I know you like, but are not demanding or expecting
This is not owed to you. Your actions cannot obtain a gift, it’s given to you because I just feel like giving it to you. I’m never obligated to do so
I’m in total control and can give, or take away things you enjoy
Even though I’m giving this to you, I’m still thinking about our roles and I’m still within the power transfer we have established By using treats / gifts, dominants can freely give their subs what the sub likes and wants. They can fulfill a sub’s wants without worrying about compromising their position of authority, nor of being obligated to serve the sub. As we discussed above, by considering and fulfilling the sub’s wants, the dominant demonstrates that they care about the sub’s happiness – which fulfills a core need. By avoiding obligation (gifts/treats are NEVER owed, promised, earned, or exchanged) the dominant remains in control of the dynamic and eliminates any possible misinterpretation as to who has the right of expectation.

Consider the submissive’s position: When you receive a gift, you feel genuine gratitude. This is how we want the submissive to feel. They didn’t earn it, they didn’t control it, yet they received it. They’re thankful to the only person in control of giving it to them.

It’s worth restating: A critical success factor is that gifts / treats must never become the motivation for submission. If you believe that your sub feels that submission is a means to getting a gift, remove the gift! They must understand that the quality of their submission is always expected to be at the top of their ability, whether they receive gifts or not. The gifts / treats are not compensation, achievements, or rewards. We want our submissives to be motivated by our happiness with their efforts; the dominant- centric focus. If they are motivated by “what’s in it for them”, their submission will never reach a truly useful level.

Wrapping up this month: We’ve identified the dominant’s preferences as the source of the definition of submission to them and discussed the underlying relationship, contrasting it with the additional attributes associated the power dynamic’s layer. We’ve established the roles, responsibilities and obligations of the submissive and how they differ from those of the dominant. We’ve acknowledged that the obligations and responsibilities of all relationships continue, even after the formation of a power dynamic. Additionally, we introduced the sequence of CERAF, and how it demonstrates our active involvement in developing the quality of the submissive’s submission. Lastly, we’ve demonstrated the difference between needs and wants, and discussed how gifts / treats can be used to provide for a sub’s wants without sacrificing the purity and direction of the of the power transfer upon which our dynamic is built. Whew! That’s a lot!

In February’s column, we’ll start to put it all together with a discussion on becoming a better submissive: Something for submissives to strive for and dominants to insist upon. I think you’ll find plenty of New Year’s resolutions to apply!

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair – Expectations, Rights, and Obligations – Part 2

December 23, 2018 By Ms. Rika 4 Comments

For Part 1 Click Here

As the new year approaches, most of us are thinking about the year gone by and looking forward to the future. Many of us will be considering our New Year’s resolutions: How we’d like to improve ourselves and our relationships going forward. It’s the perfect time to continue the discussion we started in the December 17th edition of “Kink Weekly”. If you haven’t read that article, I would recommend going back to the archive and reviewing it!

On the 17th, we discussed how each “relationship” we enter carries attributes that are mutual in nature: Trust, honesty, caring, respect, open communications, mutual fulfillment, and perhaps love. These attributes continue within a relationship, regardless of the existence of a power dynamic, or not. As partners in relationships, we are given certain rights of expectation – the right to expect to have each of these mutual attributes from our partner (in varying degrees, depending on the type of relationship). We also discussed how a power dynamic – created by the commitment of one partner to serve the preferences of the other as their submissive – creates a power imbalance that, in turn, provides the dominant a new “right of expectation”; a right that the submissive is not given. We then started to talk about how our roles obligate us to each other. We talked a little bit about the submissive’s obligations and that they are different to those of the dominant. I mentioned that D/s is imbalanced, but not one- sided. Now, let’s get into the dominant’s obligation a bit.

The Dominant’s Obligation

The dominant does take on new responsibilities, however. In exchange for the sub’s submission, the dominant promises to receive submission as an active and involved participant in the dynamic. In my first book, “Uniquely Rika”, I called this involvement, “Receiving submission from a position of dominance”. I further qualified it when I wrote my second book, “Uniquely Us”, introducing the concept of CERAF, using examples of couples with whom I had worked in a variety of relationship contexts.

CERAF is a mnemonic that stand for: “Communication“, “Expectation“, “Recognition“, “Assessment“, and, “Feedback“. It’s a sequence that demonstrates to a submissive that we, as dominants, are actively involved in the dynamic, require that the sub’s efforts are targeted towards us, notice and appreciate their efforts, and consider the sub’s submission to be important to us. If you want more information on CERAF, or to see examples of it in action, I recommend you read “Uniquely Us”.

The following is an excerpt from my latest book, “Uniquely Dominant: Being the Dominant in a D/s Relationship”, in which I covered the basics of CERAF:

Communication of the dominant’s preferences starts off the process. As dominants, we need to be clear in communicating our expectations to our submissives. We need to give them every opportunity to succeed in serving us the way we want to be served. They are not mind readers (and are often awful mind readers when they try!), so it is our responsibility to make clear what we expect them to do for us. There are thousands of ways to communicate our preferences. The use of the Routine Task List Exercise that I covered in “Uniquely Rika” is one very effective way. Just make sure your communication is clear and understood.

Expectation that they will try to fulfill those preferences is the next step. Once you’ve communicated what you expect, expect that the sub will try, to the best of their ability, to fulfill your wishes. Make that expectation clear and concise (write it down!).

It’s surprising how often dominants fail to actually expect that their partners will meet the communicated requirements. Don’t allow yourself to be distracted with reasons (reasonable or otherwise) why a sub might not fulfill them. Avoid gender biases (e.g., “men can’t control their urges“, “women will react emotionally“, etc.) and maintain a strong demand for fulfillment. All of your expectations will not be met 100% of the time – that would be an unreasonable expectation – but, you can expect a submissive to strive for perfection every time.

Recognition of the sub’s attempts to fulfill your expectations is next. It seems that this one might be simple, but it’s actually the thing that trips most dominants up. The biggest fear most submissives have communicated to me throughout the years, is that they may one day find themselves alone in their dynamic; that their partner won’t (or already doesn’t) recognize the intent with which they go about their actions, and that the dynamic exists only in the submissive’s head. That’s a very lonely place. In “Uniquely Us“, I showed a number of examples of how this “simple” responsibility is often missed – and the trouble it causes. Recognition doesn’t require a lot of boisterous feedback, it just requires that you demonstrate that you understand your sub’s intent.

There are very simple ways to demonstrate recognition – from a knowing look to a blatant phrase. One of the easiest ways is use of the final two phases of CERAF: Assessment and Feedback!

Assessment. You’ve communicated your expectations, expected them, and you’ve recognized that your sub is striving to fulfill those expectations. Now it’s time to determine how good a job your sub did at meeting those expectations. Assessment is the phase where you take a little time to introspect and understand the impact your sub’s effort has had on you. Are you happy with the result? Are you happy with their effort? Did you get what you expected? If not, why not? – did you communicate your preference accurately? Did the sub understand what you asked for? Was the sub able to achieve or did circumstances get in the way? Were the circumstances avoidable? What could have been done better? Etc.

It is our responsibility as dominants to determine the quality of the submission as it relates to our preferences. Our dominant-centric subs are measuring their ability to submit based on this assessment. The only way they can improve and become better submissives for us, is for us to assess their efforts and provide that information to them. Hence the last step of CERAF…

Feedback your assessment to your sub. The only way a good sub can improve to be an even better sub is if they understand how their actions were received and understand if there are things they could have done better. The focus of this feedback is improvement, so think of this as constructive adjustment aimed at improving the long-termed dynamic.

How you go about executing that adjustment will depend on your style of dominance and your preferences. This might manifest itself in punishment – if that’s what you do. I prefer to simply discuss my assessment, in depth, with my submissive, with the expectation that we have the mutual goal of improving their service.

The combination of Communication, Expectation, Recognition, Assessment and Feedback provides a framework that allows a sub to know what to do, how they did, and what to do better in the future. When the dominant takes the time to go through these steps, there can be no doubt they are active and involved in the dynamic. CERAF clearly sends the message that the sub’s submission is important to the dominant; important enough to spend time and effort to

improve it. It emphasizes that both dominant and submissive share the common goal of making the submissive’s submission the best it can possibly be. Further, it sends the message that only the dominant can assess the quality of a sub’s effort and results. This shares the responsibility of defining improvement, while keeping the onus of execution of that improvement on the submissive and the right of assessment to the dominant. It assures that the submissive will never feel alone in their dynamic (where both belong). The dominant will feel they are the focus of submission and that their assessment of the quality of that submission matters.

One last thing to point out: Nothing about CERAF discusses the content of submission. Whether submission is foot worship, house cleaning, receiving whippings, or just being a doting partner, CERAF is designed to communicate the dominant’s definition of what serves them and to provide a framework for improving the quality of submission; whatever that entails for the unique dominant, over time.

Using CERAF, a dominant fulfills their obligation to a submissive. It’s a much different type of commitment than obligates the submissive.

If this all seem one-sided, to an extent, it is. However, dominants are still partners in their relationships. They are still obligated by the rights of every partner in every relationship: to care for their partner and to work for mutual fulfillment. This doesn’t mean they are obligated to give their sub what the sub wants, when the sub wants it – that right of expectation belongs solely to the dominant. It means they are obligated to consider the needs of their partners and to assure their partner remains fulfilled within the relationship.

In the January installment of “Rika’s Lair”, we’ll talk about ways dominants can fulfill the needs of the submissive, without being obligated to serve them. We’ll introduce some concepts you can put into use in the coming year!

Wishing you all a very happy holiday season and a Happy New Year!

– Rika.

Rika’s Lair – Expectations, Rights, and Obligations – Part 1

December 16, 2018 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

As the new year approaches, most of us are thinking about the year gone by and looking forward to the future. It’s the perfect time to consider our New Year’s resolutions: How we’d like to improve ourselves and our relationships going forward. It’s the perfect time to consider what this D/s dynamic really means to us.

Last month, we started with a discussion of “Intent” over “Activities”. We noted how dominance and submission do not consist of things that you do (or are made to do), but rather the reason behind the things that you do. We viewed submission as an action, not a reaction. We further defined submission as actions intended to serve the dominant’s preferences. Lastly, we briefly touched on communication as enabler for dominant-centric submission. If you missed last month’s article, you can check the November 19th archive!

This month, I’d like to spend a little time discussing the roles involved in a D/s dynamic and, in particular, the rights, responsibilities, expectations, and obligations that those roles entail. We’re going to shake a few trees with this discussion and we’re going to cover a concept that I introduced in my second book that sits at the cornerstone of my methodology for adding D/s dynamics to your relationships.

We’re going to cover this topic over two weeks. This week, we’ll establish the basis for the discussion: The layers within our D/s relationship and the rights of expectation involved in a power transfer. Then, in the December 24th edition, we’ll get into a deeper discussion of obligations. Let’s get started!

The Underlying Relationship A power dynamic is built upon a relationship of one type or another. There are many forms of relationships, ranging from casual acquaintances to life partners and spouses. Some are contractually binding (think marriage contract), others are based in quid-pro-quo (think client/professional – pay for play), and others are purely emotional (think friends and partners). They can exist anywhere in the emotional spectrum between professional, nearly clinical relationships to deeply committed ones. Regardless of the type of relationship, any can support a power dynamic.

It’s interesting to note that the type of power dynamic is independent from the type of relationship upon which it lies. You can have intense, deeply committed power dynamics riding on a base of friendship (friends with kinky benefits) as easily as you can have casual scene-based, bedroom-only dynamics in a marriage…and vice versa.

There are a few attributes that are common across relationships, and while the intensity and criticality of these vary based on the type of relationship, they exist in some form or another in each of them. Among these you will find things like: Trust, honesty, caring, respect, open communications, mutual fulfillment, and perhaps love. These attributes occur in some form or another in all relationships, with and without power dynamics, and are not functions of a power dynamic, but of the relationship itself.

The power dynamic is going to contribute other attributes to the relationship, such as: The intent of service, commitment to roles, pleasure, catharsis, and a voluntary imbalance of power that results in new rights of expectation.

The Right of Expectation

When you think about the characteristics of the underlying relationship, you see they are balanced and mutual. They give both partners equal rights to expect certain behavior of each other: The expectation to be treated with care and concern for one’s health, to be treated with respect, communicated with, to be spoken to honestly and openly, etc. In all relationships, both partners are granted these rights. Again, the degree to which these apply depend on the relationship type, but regardless, these rights are equal and mutual. Since the underlying relationship, along with all of its characteristics, continue even after a power dynamic is added to the mix, the mutual rights and expectations of both partners continue throughout. This is important to recognize: The attributes and responsibilities of the underlying relationship remain in play, even after a power dynamic is added.

The moment submissives commit themselves in service to a dominant – with the intent to serve as the dominant’s submissive – and a D/s dynamic is created, the dominant is given a new, additional, right. The submissive has promised to strive to fulfill the preferences of the dominant. This means that the dominant is given the right to expect and even demand that the submissive live up to that commitment. Suddenly, anything the dominant wants, needs, or desires becomes something that the submissive has committed to deliver. I call this new privilege the “Right of Expectation”.

The dominant is not committing the same thing; the submissive is not granted the same new privilege. The submissive retains the same rights they had before the power transfer, because the underlying relationship continues to be in force, but they do not gain any new rights because of it. Only the dominant gets the new rights. This creates an imbalance of power that sways heavily to the dominant. It goes above and beyond the natural mutual expectations of being in a relationship and gives the dominant additional privileges.

Most submissives recognize the imbalance, the “unfairness” of the dynamic, which is exactly what gives them that feeling of submission; of being out of control. Without that imbalance, the dynamic reportedly lacks a realness.

As a dominant, I recognize that my sub has a choice, each and every moment he is my sub; he chooses to remain my sub. He chooses to focus on fulfilling my expectations – expectations he gave me the right to have when he committed to becoming my submissive. It is that commitment that shifts the power to me…not because I’m “all-powerful”, but because he is focused and dedicated to doing whatever I prefer for him to do. As a consequence, my preferences are prioritized above his. He chooses his actions and attitudes based on his understanding of my preferences, priorities, and needs. He “obeys” me, not because he “has to obey”, but because he knows that if he does not obey me, goes against my desires, then that would not further his objective to please me. It would violate his commitment to my preferences. My “Power” comes from our mutual understanding of his commitment, not out of physical strength and control. It’s a very real power – a power he chooses to continue to give me every day. A power that stems directly from my right of expectation.

Obligations The obligations of a submissive are pretty clear: Dedicate themselves 100% to fulfilling the communicated expectations of their dominant. They commit themselves to that promise when they offer their submission. This is what provides the right of expectation. There is little argument when it comes to the obligations of the submissive.

The discussion is not so clear, however, when it comes to the obligations of the dominant. Because we’re in a relationship, there is still obligation and responsibility as a partner. However, it is a very different type of obligation and isn’t anywhere nearly as taxing on the dominant as it is on the

submissive.

Over the years, I’ve heard some very strong opinions on how “new-found power” obligates dominants. These statements came mostly from submissives, however, there are also quite a few dominants who readily volunteer to be strongly obligated by the fact that they have accepted a submissive’s commitment to serve. They quote Voltaire in the line made more recently famous by “Spiderman”, “With great power comes great responsibility”.

The main factor supporting these opinions is the viewpoint that the power transfer has somehow rendered the submissive helpless to take care of themselves, or to think on their own, and it therefore becomes the obligation of dominant to care for, protect, and take accountability for, the submissive. However, not all power transfers result in a helpless submissive and I strongly advise against allowing that notion to take hold your dynamics, unless it applies.

I see validity in this notion of additional responsibility if you’re engaging in BDSM-like activities (as many readers of “Kink Weekly” do!), but not because of the power dynamic itself. Rather, because BDSM is a practice in which the submissive is often rendered incapable of stopping themselves from being put in harm’s way, or from engaging in potentially dangerous activities. The Top is obligated, because protecting someone who is dependent on you is a natural extension of the underlying relationship attributes. As a general rule of society, even without power dynamics, if you engage in activities in which you are potentially endangering another individual’s wellbeing, or are in a position to harm them physically or emotionally, you are obliged to act with care and concern. If you shoot weapons, practice martial arts, race motorcycles, perform surgery, look after children, provide psychiatric advice, etc., you have an obligation to look after your fellow man. That’s a relationship requirement. In BDSM-scene dynamics, if you’re going to render your partner helpless, flog them, hurt them, attack their psyches, or otherwise play in the realm of BDSM, you are obligated to do so with care and concern. Not because it’s a power dynamic, but because of the nature of the specific activities in which you are engaging.

There is also the notion that submission is regression: That by submitting to a dominant, the submissive releases themselves from all responsibility and control, and can therefore regress into a state of absolution; a return to childhood, where accountability and responsibility all laid in the hands of the parent – now dominant.

These notions do not always hold true. Submission and the power transfer are the result of a very unique and personal commitment. They do not always result in BDSM play or Regression. Whether submission will result in these types of dynamics depends on the definition of submission; which is determined by the preferences of the dominant. Therefore, it’s not the act of submission that creates these additional responsibilities for the dominant, it’s the dominant’s choice of the individual activities. For example, my dynamics with my submissives are not based in BDSM or regression. I personally will not agree to take on those types of obligations. My subs remain responsible and accountable for their submission and for their actions within that submission.

Furthermore, adults who make commitments are responsible for keeping them. I’ve been shocked to hear submissives say, “since they are giving themselves to a dominant, the dominant becomes responsible for driving them, keeping them honest, assuring that they carry out their tasks, punishing them when they misbehave, controlling their orgasms, rewarding them, protecting them, and taking ultimate accountability for their actions”. Wow! The way they transfer the responsibility of living up to their commitment onto the dominant, you’d think you were listening to a child make promises to take

care of the dog they want their parents to buy. No thank you! I expect my submissives to take the responsibility to own and be accountable for their commitments.

You do take on more responsibility should you choose to engage in potentially dangerous activities. But you do not take on these additional obligations because you’re the dominant, only because you’re in control of a situation that is potentially harmful to your partner.

The dominant does, however, take on new responsibilities. The dynamic is not one-sided. However, the dominant’s obligations are very different from those of the submissive. The dominant is not promising to serve, even if some of the things that they do provide a service to the submissive. As dominants, our INTENT is to be served in the best possible way – and therefore our obligations center more around helping our submissives to understand what they are expected to do, and to know how they’re doing against those expectations, and what they can do to improve.

Hopefully, this week’s entry gives you some food for thought. In the December 24th edition of “Kink Weekly”, Part 2 of this article will dive into the obligations of the dominant in quite some depth.

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Rika’s Lair-Intent

November 18, 2018 By Ms. Rika 6 Comments

Welcome to the Lair! I’m very excited to contribute a monthly column for Kink Weekly! I’ve written a lot on the subject of Dominance and Submission through the years, so there’s a good chance you’ve read my writing before. I welcome back my loyal readers and also embrace this opportunity to reach out to new minds, introducing them to viewpoints that hopefully will both resonate with, and challenge their perceptions on power dynamics. Through the years, “Rika’s Lair” has taken on several forms: First on CompuServe Channel 12, then in an IRC group, a Google Group, a FetLife group, or now this column. The mission of my writing has always been to challenge perceptions, create awareness, and provide insight and guidance for people developing, exploring and refining power-based Relationships. I hope this column adds a unique perspective for you in your relationships.

In the coming months we’ll cover many topics: Some will be familiar, others familiar to those who have read my books, and many that will be completely new. There will times when you will nod your head in complete agreement and others when you find yourself desperate to challenge my views. That’s OK! My objective is to share a perspective which may not be apparent at first, but which will cause you to stop and think – and maybe to incorporate those ideas into your lifestyle.

I’ve had the wonderful opportunity to work with over a hundred couples who had added, or were adding, power dynamics to their relationships. I’ve been able to help many (most!) of them overcome challenges and find greater fulfillment. This work has given me a unique perspective from which I’ve been able to identify commonalities, trends, and patterns – common stumbling blocks, and popular misconceptions. What’s most interesting, the majority of the “obstacles” we all face, can be eliminated simply with common sense, logic, and a whole lot of communication!

There is nothing more fulfilling for me than watching the smile come across dominants faces as they become comfortable with the personal entitlement dominance brings, or the happiness that submissives exude when they begin to submit in a way that finally serves their partner’s needs.

So, let’s get started!

It Starts With Intent After a great deal of consideration, I arrived at a discussion of “Intent” as being the first subject for this inaugural article. It’s not so much intent itself, but developing the ability to step back and identify our root intent, as well as the source of that intent. A critical tenet of my approach to submission is that: Dominance and submission do not consist of things that you do (or are made to do), but rather the REASON BEHIND the things that you do. It’s never the action you take, it’s the INTENT behind that action that makes it “Submission” or “Dominance”. Dominance and Submission are states of mind not activities or practices. Focusing on intent as a critical aspect of D/s clears away many of the seemingly paradoxical situations surrounding power dynamics and frees us (as dominants) to move our dynamics to where we want them, without having to consider how “domly” we’re being.

Let’s use a very common “act of submission” as a demonstration of the complexity of all of this – Foot Worship:

A woman orders a man to his knees and demands that he kiss her feet. She watches him

intently, making sure that he does exactly what he’s told to do. She instructs him to lick between her toes and to suck on her big toe “like it’s a penis”.

Is it Dominance?

Some would say, “Of course it’s dominance, he is debasing himself and demonstrating that she is a superior”. But I say, it depends on INTENT. Why is he worshiping her feet? Why is she having her feet worshiped?

Maybe she loves the visual of having him beneath her, lowering himself, and debasing himself. Maybe she gets a thrill from the feeling of it. Maybe it turns her on and drugs her with power. That would certainly support the idea that this is an act of dominance.

Now consider this possibility: Suppose she gets absolutely no satisfaction from having her feet worshiped? Suppose, to her, there is nothing symbolic or “submissive” about kissing and licking feet. Some people feel that way (I’m one of them). It does nothing for her, and in fact, might even be a little repulsive. Yet, she’s doing it because he’s confessed a deep desire to worship her feet. She knows it turns him on to do so. She knows that by “demanding” that he does this, it triggers emotions in him that she knows he really enjoys. She enjoys his reaction – she likes to see him happy. It’s her intent to turn him on.

Is it still Dominance? Guess what…it depends on intent again!

You might not think this is dominance, you might think that it’s just kinky fun and she is just making him happy. In fact, let me take that idea to the extreme: Suppose I told you that HE was the dominant, but he loved feet – maybe its even a clinical fetish for him … and she was having him worship her feet as service to him! Perhaps he, as her dominant, told her that he wanted her to have him suck her toes! Doing so wouldn’t change her position as submissive – because, regardless of how “dominant” her actions were, her INTENT was to serve him.

Or…let me introduce the possibility that she’s eliciting that reaction from him because she is also restricting his orgasms and hasn’t allowed him release for the past 3 weeks – and by stimulating him without release, her intent is to multiply the impact of his denial. Suppose she’s leveraging the fact that, by having him do things that turn him on, the chemistry in his body is going to deepen the impact of her tease and drive him even more insane with desire? So, she is having him worship her feet, even though she doesn’t really care about that, with the INTENT of stimulating him at a time when he has no means of releasing that tension! Now she sounds like the dominant again.

To the outside observer, this man – lapping the bottoms of her soles like a lost puppy – appears to be the submissive, but the reality of the situation lies between the ears of both of them – the only place where it really counts. The interpretation of the dominance or submissiveness of their activities is driven by their mutual understanding of each other’s intent.

So, I claim that there is no such thing as a dominant or submissive act. There is only dominant and submissive intent. With that understanding, consider these commonly seen “paradoxes” (and see if you agree that they’re not paradoxes at all, when you consider intent):

A man lays back on the bed as his wife goes down on him. She takes him lovingly in her mouth, cradling his balls in her hand and brings him to orgasm.

A woman lies back and allows a man to aggressively penetrate her and passionately “take her”

Submissive acts? Could they be dominant acts? At this point, we all should agree, it depends on…INTENT.

The stereotypical dominant/submissive image of a whip-wielding, leather-clad, manipulatrix, humiliatrix, dominatrix trussing up a man like a turkey and forcing him to endure all sorts of inhumanities, or the image of the leather vested, jack-booted “daddy” with his “little girl” sitting by his feet, represents D/s dynamics to many people.

It doesn’t to me. Not automatically.

However, a man who agrees to allow himself to be trussed and forced, etc. because he knows that the dominant likes him to be that way and does it FOR their dominant (whether he enjoys it or not) is very much my image of D/s. Submissives who voluntarily get up every morning an hour earlier than they have to, so that they can prepare for the day and complete some of the tasks that need to be done – so that when their dominant partner gets up, life is easier and obstacle free for them – and does so because this is what the dominant wants, is every bit as much of a submissive – maybe more so – as the guy who is groveling at a woman’s feet. And so is the submissive who does nothing more than follow the lead of his partner…yielding to them as the decision maker for the household…because that’s what the dominant partner wants.

Submission is Intent to Serve the Dominant’s Preferences You’ll notice that in all of these examples, the definition of submission is intent to serve the preferences of the dominant. You’ll notice that, in defining submission, I’m not considering the preferences of the submissive. If intent defines submission, self-serving intent cannot be considered part of that submission – unless it first serves the dominant the way the dominant prefers.

Certainly, doing something that a dominant does not prefer and insisting that it’s somehow submission is folly. Subs who think that, because the activity is considered submissive (eg., foot worship), they’re being submissive by doing it, are fooling themselves. Unless doing so fulfills the preferences or desires of their unique dominant, the activity is worthless as part of their submission.

Equally misinformed is the submissive who insists that the only way their partner can be dominant is if they demand “dominant activities”. Or who insist that a dominant must “control” or “force” a submissive to be submissive, when their partner does not prefer to do so.

Now let’s be careful here. I’m NOT suggesting that the submissive partner never gets what they want – or that a submissive’s desires are not important. I’m not saying that at all. I’m saying that SUBMISSION cannot be defined by actions and attitudes that don’t fill the dominant’s preferences – because that’s the basis of submissive intent. There are plenty of other opportunities for dominants to give their partners things that they like – without it being part of their definition of submission. I will talk more about “Treats” and “Gifts” in a future article.

Dominants: Communication Enables Submissive Intent We’re going to discuss the roles and responsibilities of both the dominant and the submissive in depth in future months, but here is a bit of advice to dominants regarding intent:

To enable your partner to define their submission with submissive intent, communicate (and insist on) YOUR preferences. They can’t read your mind and their minds are likely filled with porn-laden stereotypical imagery, which may not match your preferences. Tell them what you prefer to give them a target to strive to fulfill. Help them to achieve it by clearly defining what YOU consider to be submission TO YOU – your unique preferences.

If you want to give them things that make them happy too, do it! You’re in a relationship – you can feel free to do things that make them happy too! Just make sure they understand YOUR intent in giving them those things. So, if you (like me) have a foot fetishist as a submissive, but foot worship simply isn’t your thing – feel free to have him worship your feet – just don’t let him confuse your consideration for his needs as his submission to you.

Wrapping Up for This Month We started with a discussion of “Intent” over “Activities”. Even if you don’t agree with everything here, I hope you found it interesting and perhaps a little thought provoking. As we continue our explorations here in Rika’s Lair, we will be discussing the notion that everything that’s done for a dominant with submissive intent and received as submission, is service. We will also cover how submission that’s focused on the needs, wants, and desires of the dominant (what I call dominant- centric submission) creates a more natural, and therefore, more resilient, dynamic, than submission that’s defined by how it impacts the submissive. We’re going to cover the roles of dominant and the submissive and cover their responsibilities and obligations. I’m going to lead you through a logical methodology that you can use with your partner to help establish meaningful, workable power dynamics within your relationships. We’ll debunk a lot of myths and express a lot of opinions. We’ll tackle some tough questions and hopefully look at answers a whole new way!

Welcome to the Lair! – Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Ms. Rika

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