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24/7

24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer Cake

August 3, 2020 By Will Hunt 8 Comments

male dom having a conversation with his female submissive
via stock.adobe.com

24/7 D/s relationships are a lot of work. The title alone should be the give away, and I don’t mean the 24/7 or D/s part, those only come after the really tricky bit, the relationship. For some of us our sense of self is so tied up in the dynamics of relationship that we can forget which follows which.

Our dynamics are layered upon those parts of us that make up functioning human beings. We are a top, a bottom, a switch after we are a person. Those needs which are fulfilled by those dynamics are valuable. Often they can be very comforting, allowing us to choose the manner in which we engage with the people around us with clearly set terms of engagement. Within our relationships it can provide clearly defined expectations and responsibilities. However, we need the stable foundation of a relationship upon which to build.

We will all have times when we will struggle. Perhaps the urge to serve it strained, or the desire to tell someone what to do waines? For some reason that which came easily and we thought was core to our relationship, to our very sense of self, becomes difficult. It can be a source of panic as we try to diagnose the problem. Do I need to be more dominant, double down on the rules, forgive no trespass? We become so obsessed with the symptoms that we fail to diagnose the root cause of the issue. 

The D/s aspect of a relationship is often the most emotionally vulnerable part of a relationship as it rests on the very top. Seen each and every day in the way we act, the way we talk, so any break in that pattern is very obvious. Often the D/s parts of us are the most extreme representations of us, the most vulnerable, the most self indulgent, the most us that we can only truly manifest when we feel safe. It can be the canary in the coal mine of troubles we aren’t even aware of. 

Dig Deep

If we are finding it hard to connect in a kinky way I believe it is worth working up through the layers of the relationship, rather than backwards from the fault. If we no longer feel safe enough in the relationship to be uniquely vulnerable in the way that D/s allows us to then we need to understand what has changed. 

There is a risk that if we spend all our time struggling to work out why we aren’t enjoying the rules and making up new rules, or altering existing ones, then we are not exploring why the rules have stopped being fun. Layering more plaster over a crack in a wall won’t solve the problem. We need to work out why the crack is there in the first place. Stop the root problem, then repair and plaster over the crack.

If there is a problem on the top level of the relationship, the D/s aspect, then we should explore the foundations of the relationship. By starting with the fundamentals we can test each of those things that are essential to a healthy relationship.

The underpinnings of a relationship are not D/s, they are care, affection, love and much much more. You kink compatibility may be what brought you together, but it will not be what keeps you together. 

What may have brought you together is not necessarily the same thing that keeps you together. I have been fortunate enough to have had some wonderful scenes with people. Our kinks were compatible, we enjoyed our time together, but a relationship was never a prospect. Kink compatibility does not naturally lead to relationship compatibility. So why would we focus on the kink aspect first rather than that which makes up the underpinnings of the relationship if there is a problem?

If there are uncomfortable things that we need to confront about our relationship we can be prone to distraction. It is easy to mistake activity for progress. 

Foundation Stone

Recently the D/s aspect of my relationship had to take a backseat in order to focus on my partners needs. She did not need a dom at that time, she needed a partner. Everything but the most basic levels of D/s had to be put on hold. She still wore her collar, had to ask permission for the same things as always, but apart from those few things our focus shifted almost exclusively to taking care of her. 

My role as Top in our relationship had to shift, changing from an owner, an enforced of rules, to far more of a carer. Our relationship became almost vanilla! Gasp, shock, horror!

Fortunately she felt better after a few weeks of care and we were able to start bringing our rules back to the forefront of our relationships. Shifting back to the D/s heavy nature of our relationship. However, there was a problem. I was really struggling. I found it hard to just turn the switch back on. Everything told me I enjoyed our kink dynamic, I wanted to get back to it in full, so did she. Everything we were thinking about our shared kink told us we should be right back where we were a few weeks ago.

Our mistake was in only looking at the issue from the kink layer of the relationship. We were so fixated on getting that back to normal that we didn’t even consider that there could be an issue on another level that we were totally missing. 

For a few days we struggled. We were doing all the kinky things, and just not feeling it. It felt just like we were going through the motions. A horrible thing to feel in a D/s dynamic where our joint commitment is so integral to the relationship working. 

After a few days of it just not working we had a long conversation. Forcing ourselves to verbalise what we were feeling, what was frustrating us and what wasn’t working. We didn’t have to come up with a solution, we were just diagnosing the problem. Neither of us pretended something was working that wasn’t, neither of us attributed blame (after all we both wanted the same thing). What we did was work up from the fundamentals of our relationship, asking the hard questions as we went. Did we still love each other, did we still enjoy being with each other, did we still excite each other…

It is important to ask these hard questions, because it is the answers that will help us. Fortunately after the talk we were able to understand why we weren’t clicking, it was as simple as the fact that I needed to feel confident that she really was okay. I needed to feel safe enough to be myself in full with her again, and to recognise that needed to give myself a couple of days to recover from being so focused on caring for her. 

The spice of life

Kink is a beautiful, thrilling, erotic addition to a relationship. In my case it is so pervasive that it could easily be mistaken as the relationship in its entirety. If I am not careful I can make that mistake myself.

While kink might bring many of us together, and even form the language of intimacy that we use to grow emotionally close, it needs to be built upon a healthy relationship. We cannot mistake activity for achievement or conversation for construction. We need to ask the hard questions, to put each other first and build our relationships on a foundation of love. 


About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Tagged With: 24/7, D/s, relationship management, Will Hunt

Submissives Who Work

July 16, 2018 By Baadmaster 6 Comments

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I was recently involved in a discussion group that intrigued me. The topic: Dom/mes that work out of their home. As a writer and an Internet consultant, I work “out of my house”; thus, this topic is very personal. Here is the question (paraphrased) and my answer.

“My Master works out of our house. I have a regular 9-5 job, which I had before we met; we both agreed to me continuing my career. I am concerned that I cannot live up to his 24/7 D/s ideal because of my employment situation. Do you think I can? Any tips how best to manage this situation?”

First of all, since your Master was in favor of you continuing your job, he clearly did not want you to serve him literally 24/7. True live-in 24/7 service, where the slave serves the Master 24/7, is actually rare in this lifestyle. I don’t have statistics, but the number of live-in slaves who do not work is surprisingly small. This happens for a myriad of reasons. One is that many people do not want to be in the company of another all the time. Another is that many slaves are career oriented. Having a job can be very fulfilling; again, your Master – from day one – was clearly in favor of your career. Besides, a second paycheck can be a welcome addition to any household, M/s or otherwise. Thus, for one or all of these reasons, your Master was cool with you having a job. It appears that concerns about the “24/7 D/s ideal” are yours, not his.

The key is to understand, as your Master seemingly does, that 24/7 does not have to literally mean 24/7. Of course, for some, it can. All Master/slave relationships are unique and there is no universal standard; it appears to me that 24/7 is more a state of mental slavery than one of physical servitude, which I have addressed in previous kinkweekly.com articles. The best example I can give you is that of marriage. Even when you are at work, you are married. If you are 3000 miles away from each other, you are married – and married 24/7. Similarly, if you are a collared slave, you are collared 24/7. The collar does not come off your neck when you are apart. (Velcro collars exempted!) That said, one must not slack off when it comes to being a good slave. And that is a legitimate concern. So, let me offer you some tips to keep you on your game.

One problem of having a job is that you can be exhausted when you come home from work. If your job has any submissive aspects to it – like an executive assistant – there can be a tendency to mentally say, “I don’t want to get anyone anything. I am worn out.” Rather than serve grudgingly, you might mention that you are particularly tired that day. Your Master just might just go light on you. Communication is always the key.

On the other hand, on those days when you are not dragging, make a special effort to be a terrific slave. Your Master will appreciate the extra exertion – and it will more than make up for the days when your job wore you out. So, don’t be so hard on yourself. Some days are simply better than others – from both the Dom/me and sub point of view.

The key is to realize you are not actually serving 24/7 – so on those hours when your Master expects you to be at his beck and call, you should be very attentive. Don’t underestimate your Dom/me; a wise Master/Mistress will understand the time management aspects of owning a slave with a job. You really have nothing to worry about. Just serve well when you are required to, and communicate with him when you are unable to be the perfect slave due to job fatigue or other work-related factors.

Never forget the 24/7 ideal is just that – an ideal. It rarely exists. Most of us, Lotto winners excepted, live in the real world. In your case, your Master was accepting of your employment. It follows that he will also accept the ebbs and flows that any time-intensive job will cause. The best advice I can offer you is to do your best, communicate effectively – and, more than likely, all will be fine.


About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: 24/7, baadmaster, dom, master, mistress, power exchange, slave, sub

The Recipe for Imparted Presence

March 5, 2018 By slave_bunny 4 Comments

pexels-photo-594421

Hi everyone! I am writing this article to educate readers about one of the most essential things needed (in my opinion) to have a long-term 24/7 power exchange relationship.

A lot of people believe that M/s relationships are about micro-management leading to macro-management. What I mean by this is that at the beginning of a dynamic and/or during training phrases, the slave may have to be more micromanaged, given more direction, told step by step what to do/what is expected of them, the Master may have to check every detail/step to make sure things are done correctly, etc.

There is nothing wrong with this, and if a dynamic wanted to keep being micro-managed that is completely okay (as long as the dynamic is not based on fear or distrust). Please note, power exchange dynamics should never be based on fear or distrust. Power exchange dynamics should promote a sense of safety and trust for all involved, and these two things should flourish as time goes on. If this is not happening, and someone is repeatedly distrusting of their partner, then some changes should be made to remedy these things.

Some s types do not wish to stay micro-managed forever, and some D types do not wish to micromanage long term either. Some D types hope to equip their s types with enough skills, training, knowledge, etc (over time) to carry out their will effortlessly without having to give them specific step by step instructions for every single order or task. I am in NO WAY saying that D types shouldn’t take an active role or check in with their s types. They ALWAYS should. What I am saying is that some D types (after proper training has been done) expect that they can trust their s type to accomplish what they asked and in the manner they want said task done without so much supervision and oversight.

It’s kind of a like a parent who raises a child and as the child grows and proves they are becoming more competent, their parent tries to oversee them less because the parent trusts they will follow the parent’s rules and will live up to the parent’s expectations.

Power exchange relationships can be very similar in this regard. It really comes down to how much trust has been built in a power exchange dynamic for the D type to lessen their oversight.

One way for trust to grow within the D type for the s type is imparted presence. Imparted presence happens when the s type has been adequately trained, has developed trust for their D type, when they know their D type really well- the D type’s wants, needs, preferences, expectations,etc., when they know how the D type would go about doing something, when they know how the D type expects the s type to behave in many different settings, when they know how the D type handles most situations/wants them to handle most situations etc. After these things have been accomplished and clearly communicated, the s type can then begin to develop imparted presence. In short, this type of presence requires the s type essentially having the D type “in their head” even when the D type isn’t around. When this occurs, the s type is able to behave how their D type wishes (whether the D type is around or not) without a direct order from their D type and without the D type governing the s type’s behavior directly.

Essentially, the s type has been so well trained that the D type is now “a part of” the s type and their decision making process.The s type and D type have become one to some degree and the s type feels he/she is connected to their D type mentally.

Many people feel that M/s is all about the s type and D type becoming one and some put a lot of emphasis on acquiring imparted presence.

However, imparted presence can be a goal for any kind of dynamic.

I can tell you from personal experience that having imparted presence has made my Master’s and my life a lot easier. Imparted presence has allowed my Master to have more faith in me as his slave and also allows him to spend less time overseeing things. After years of being together, there are plenty of things that he used to have to heavily supervise that now he just knows I can do and occasionally checks in with to make sure things are still going smoothly.

This being said there are still a lot of new things that come up as life changes that I have to be trained on that I do not have imparted presence with yet. And that’s completely okay. There are always going to be new things that need to be implemented and trained. That’s a fact of life.

What I am trying to say is that just because at a particular time a sub has imparted presence on all protocols, doesn’t mean that they always will. In my opinion, a healthy relationship requires constant modification and implementing new things as times change.

Also, on a further note, imparted presence takes time, patience, adequate training, and a lot of work for all involved. It comes from having a very solid foundation, and being able to communicate clearly and effectively.

These things are the true recipe for imparted presence.

In short,

Imparted Presence = Effective/Communication Regarding Expectations, Protocols, Etc.

+

Adequate Training

+

Patience

+

Time

+

Solid Foundation

+

S Type Being Committed to Following Their D Type’s Will

If all of these things are done properly, it would be very easy for any s type to achieve imparted presence if that is one of the goals of their dynamic.

Again, it does not have to be, and a dynamic can exist very well without it. I am merely providing one possible goal for any dynamic that wishes to have less supervision as times goes on.

As always, please feel free to ask questions and comment. Thanks for reading and stay tuned!

About the Author:

Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.

She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.

Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.

 

Tagged With: 24/7, D/s, M/s, power exchange

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