Will Hunt

24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer Cake

August 3, 2020 By Will Hunt 8 Comments

male dom having a conversation with his female submissive — via stock.adobe.com

24/7 D/s relationships are a lot of work. The title alone should be the give away, and I don’t mean the 24/7 or D/s part, those only come after the really tricky bit, the relationship. For some of us our sense of self is so tied up in the dynamics of relationship that we can forget which follows which.

Our dynamics are layered upon those parts of us that make up functioning human beings. We are a top, a bottom, a switch after we are a person. Those needs which are fulfilled by those dynamics are valuable. Often they can be very comforting, allowing us to choose the manner in which we engage with the people around us with clearly set terms of engagement. Within our relationships it can provide clearly defined expectations and responsibilities. However, we need the stable foundation of a relationship upon which to build.

We will all have times when we will struggle. Perhaps the urge to serve it strained, or the desire to tell someone what to do waines? For some reason that which came easily and we thought was core to our relationship, to our very sense of self, becomes difficult. It can be a source of panic as we try to diagnose the problem. Do I need to be more dominant, double down on the rules, forgive no trespass? We become so obsessed with the symptoms that we fail to diagnose the root cause of the issue.

The D/s aspect of a relationship is often the most emotionally vulnerable part of a relationship as it rests on the very top. Seen each and every day in the way we act, the way we talk, so any break in that pattern is very obvious. Often the D/s parts of us are the most extreme representations of us, the most vulnerable, the most self indulgent, the most us that we can only truly manifest when we feel safe. It can be the canary in the coal mine of troubles we aren’t even aware of.

Dig Deep

If we are finding it hard to connect in a kinky way I believe it is worth working up through the layers of the relationship, rather than backwards from the fault. If we no longer feel safe enough in the relationship to be uniquely vulnerable in the way that D/s allows us to then we need to understand what has changed.

There is a risk that if we spend all our time struggling to work out why we aren’t enjoying the rules and making up new rules, or altering existing ones, then we are not exploring why the rules have stopped being fun. Layering more plaster over a crack in a wall won’t solve the problem. We need to work out why the crack is there in the first place. Stop the root problem, then repair and plaster over the crack.

If there is a problem on the top level of the relationship, the D/s aspect, then we should explore the foundations of the relationship. By starting with the fundamentals we can test each of those things that are essential to a healthy relationship.

The underpinnings of a relationship are not D/s, they are care, affection, love and much much more. You kink compatibility may be what brought you together, but it will not be what keeps you together.

What may have brought you together is not necessarily the same thing that keeps you together. I have been fortunate enough to have had some wonderful scenes with people. Our kinks were compatible, we enjoyed our time together, but a relationship was never a prospect. Kink compatibility does not naturally lead to relationship compatibility. So why would we focus on the kink aspect first rather than that which makes up the underpinnings of the relationship if there is a problem?

If there are uncomfortable things that we need to confront about our relationship we can be prone to distraction. It is easy to mistake activity for progress.

Foundation Stone

Recently the D/s aspect of my relationship had to take a backseat in order to focus on my partners needs. She did not need a dom at that time, she needed a partner. Everything but the most basic levels of D/s had to be put on hold. She still wore her collar, had to ask permission for the same things as always, but apart from those few things our focus shifted almost exclusively to taking care of her.

My role as Top in our relationship had to shift, changing from an owner, an enforced of rules, to far more of a carer. Our relationship became almost vanilla! Gasp, shock, horror!

Fortunately she felt better after a few weeks of care and we were able to start bringing our rules back to the forefront of our relationships. Shifting back to the D/s heavy nature of our relationship. However, there was a problem. I was really struggling. I found it hard to just turn the switch back on. Everything told me I enjoyed our kink dynamic, I wanted to get back to it in full, so did she. Everything we were thinking about our shared kink told us we should be right back where we were a few weeks ago.

Our mistake was in only looking at the issue from the kink layer of the relationship. We were so fixated on getting that back to normal that we didn’t even consider that there could be an issue on another level that we were totally missing.

For a few days we struggled. We were doing all the kinky things, and just not feeling it. It felt just like we were going through the motions. A horrible thing to feel in a D/s dynamic where our joint commitment is so integral to the relationship working.

After a few days of it just not working we had a long conversation. Forcing ourselves to verbalise what we were feeling, what was frustrating us and what wasn’t working. We didn’t have to come up with a solution, we were just diagnosing the problem. Neither of us pretended something was working that wasn’t, neither of us attributed blame (after all we both wanted the same thing). What we did was work up from the fundamentals of our relationship, asking the hard questions as we went. Did we still love each other, did we still enjoy being with each other, did we still excite each other…

It is important to ask these hard questions, because it is the answers that will help us. Fortunately after the talk we were able to understand why we weren’t clicking, it was as simple as the fact that I needed to feel confident that she really was okay. I needed to feel safe enough to be myself in full with her again, and to recognise that needed to give myself a couple of days to recover from being so focused on caring for her.

The spice of life

Kink is a beautiful, thrilling, erotic addition to a relationship. In my case it is so pervasive that it could easily be mistaken as the relationship in its entirety. If I am not careful I can make that mistake myself.

While kink might bring many of us together, and even form the language of intimacy that we use to grow emotionally close, it needs to be built upon a healthy relationship. We cannot mistake activity for achievement or conversation for construction. We need to ask the hard questions, to put each other first and build our relationships on a foundation of love.

About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

How To Grow A Bonsai Human

July 5, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

bonsai woman submissive in glass cage — via stock.adobe.com

One of the hottest things about being a top in a D/s dynamic is the moulding, shaping and training of another person in line with your will. Some young tops might come to a D/s relationship with an idea already in place of a perfect sub, a delicate pet who will never answer back, a slut who shall live to satisfy, or perhaps a submissive maid to follow all orders without hesitation. The young top has created an idea of what they think they want. This idea is more often informed by a diet of fantasy than the reality of each person being a fully formed individual with needs and wants of their own.

We need to approach prospective partners with an open mind. We need to see them for who they are as well as who they could be, not what we want to pretend they are or could be.

You have to be honest with yourself about what you need in a submissive partner. That self exploration of need has to take place before you start expecting anyone to live up to what you have imagined. We must know the difference between what we need from a partner, what we want in a relationship and what is pure fantasy. Need is that which we must have to be satisfied in a relationship, want is that which makes a relationship fun and fantasy are those things that we can indulge in at times.

The art and philosophy of Bonsai

In a D/s relationship we don’t have to find a 100% perfect fit (in fact I don’t think you could find that in any relationship), because we have the option of training a person. However, there is only so far out of someone’s normal course that you can take a person without risking breaking them. Think of it like shaping a branch on a bonsai tree, the bend must happen slowly along its length, wired into place and then allowed to grow into the shape. Trying to twist a branch 120 degrees at the trunk will only damage the branch, and maybe even cause it to snap. Patience is a must! Find a person who is at least parallel enough to your desires that you can tend them, grow them into your shape and know that it is a shape they will enjoy. If someone’s desire is to be in a DLG relationship, but you want someone who will be kept like a pet then you have a sharp divergence at the very beginning of the relationship. Perhaps over time the two of you will be able to grow together, but it is going to take a lot of time, communication and trust.

Once a D/s relationship has begun to grow we have to tend it, to help it take the shape we have planned for it. The thing to always remember is that the two of you are on the same team. The top might be setting the destination and driving the car, but you are both on the journey and want to get to the destination together.

Trust is about more than just your submissive partner trusting you to have their best interests at heart. It is the trust that you will keep your word, that they will receive the reward or punishment you say. That you won’t forget their limit, or fantasy. Sometimes it is the trust that the top is doing something because they genuinely enjoy it. There is no need to ask me if it was good for me, I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t.

Pen to paper

There is a great deal of information to remember, and a great deal of value in the small things, especially at the beginning of a relationship. One of my top tips is to keep notes. I still do to this day, I call it my dossier. Often it will start with a yes/no/maybe list, followed by a record of any comments or experiences I believe might be of value. No one has a perfect memory so write things down, review them later. Do not be afraid of asking direct questions, ask them about their fantasies. Things they have always wanted to do but have never done. What you are looking for here is commonality of interest. Do they look for the release of not being responsible, do they have guilt over their desires and want to be forced to do something they will enjoy? All of this information will build up into an invaluable record for you.

My partner knows that I keep a written record, she finds it both comforting and concerning. Comforting because it is such a clear indication of the care I take and the seriousness with which I treat the growth of our relationship. Concerning because she knows I won’t ever forget anything, good or bad.

Don’t say it, do it!

If you say you will do something, as a reward, or consequence, they must believe it and you must mean it. If you fail to follow through then you are simply proving that you are a fantasist. Your threats cannot be believed, your promises are undelivered, everything you say is called into doubt.

In the early stages it is extremely important that you prove that you mean what you say. Make sure to carry through on threats as much as you will fulfil fantasies that they never thought they would have fulfilled. If you threaten to pull over and make them walk home then be prepared to do it.

The difference between punishment and play must be clear at all times. Punishments are very straight forward 100 blows for any infraction that I judge worthy of a punishment. She must also recognise and accept the punishment and the reason for it.

If you are playing then make sure they know it is because you are enjoying it. I will often remind my partner that I am hitting her because I enjoy it, she isn’t bad and she doesn’t deserve it. I can own my sadism, I don’t need to pretend it is my partner’s responsibility.

If you are declaring that you can provide the solid foundation for someone else to build upon then you must be that solid foundation, in all ways. We must know ourselves and be entirely true in our will. Any doubts in our mind, or theirs, will echo over and over.

We have ways of making you talk

Communication, communication and more communication. The Top must create the safe space for communication, but in return the bottom must be communicative. We are willing to take on all the responsibility for their care and development but we need as accurate information as possible from them in return. In a D/s dynamic we are both vulnerable in deeply personal ways. We ask our partners to trust us, and we must trust them in return.

We need them to tell us they like something, to be brave enough to admit a desire or dislike. All we need is that pure data once, and after that we can be the brute who forces them, the pervert who makes them bow to our desires. That is why we must trust them, to tell us the truth so we can take the power from them safely.

Her obligation is to me, and only in exceptional circumstances to others. I do not wish to degrade that which attracted me to her in the first place. I would never want to break someone. Build them, grow them, shape them, yes, but break them, degrade them, hurt them, no.

I find it deeply erotic to have control over another person but that means I want someone who gives up that control to me, reveals their darkest fantasies, shares their vulnerabilities. I want her wild and full of confidence, but with the click of my fingers I want her to obey. I want an obedient pet, not a broken victim.

How Do You Keep Hurting The Person You Love?

April 11, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

There is a most unusual phenomenon I have noticed in kinky relationships that have gone on for a little while, especially in sadist/masochists relationships. There is an almost inextricable decline in the intensity of play. While there is an almost inevitable waning of what is often referred to as “new relationship energy” in all relationships as they go on it seems far more pronounced in relationships which are so very driven by the energy of those involved.

Where scenes once might have gone on for hours, with the sadist going through multiple tools and the bottom exploring ever greater heights of sensation, now they last half an hour and consist of the one flogger that the bottom likes and the sadist is comfortable using. Rather than 5 course, exotic meals that we have both dressed up for and booked months in advance we are now having takeout in our pyjamas. There is a place for both of these types of meals in a relationship, but not always the same one with never any variation.

These quick scenes, with some tears, some pain, some fear, some of everything we need, they do work. They keep us ticking over, but I feel that we are missing the thrill that used to be there, the thrill of trying something more, something new, with someone we trust. However chasing that thrill should be tempered with a touch of fear, but, as with all fear, it needs to be understood, managed and used productively.

The fear that keeps us careful can also paralyse us, it can leave us sticking to what we know and feel comfortable with. It is the fear of messing up (I won’t say it is the fear of hurting our partner, after all that is exactly what we want to be doing), the fear of doing it wrong. I am not scared of hitting her with a cane, I am scared of hitting her in the wrong place with a cane. If we become too scared of making a mistake then of course we shall restrict ourselves to those things that we know work and we can do most safely.

There is a danger of falling into patterns, playing it too safe, when a big part of the thrill is taking risk. The important thing is not to stop taking risks, just to keep doing it carefully and as partners.

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is not about never making a mistake, it is not about getting every scene perfect, it is not about landing each cane strike in just the right place, it is about two grown adults agreeing to take a journey together. That journey will have highs and lows, but what is important is that the two of you are making the choice to keep taking risks together. Even in relationships where there is a disparity of power the steps of this journey need to be taken together, regardless of if one is crawling on their knees.

We have to believe our partners when they say they want to take risks with us. They can support us by reassuring and comforting us when things do go wrong, and tell us when things go well. While we tops bare the greater responsibility of care, especially directly after something goes wrong, we still need feedback, we need affirmation, and in a relationship we should not be afraid to ask for these things, especially if it makes us better at what we both want. Our relationships might be intentionally one sided, but if we let the underlying needs of either party go wanting then we need to re-examine what we are prioritising.

We can overcome the fear of making a mistake, the social conditioning shouting at us not to do what we both enjoy, all for the love of our partner. We have to show the same trust in them as they have in us. They trust us to lead them, and we have to trust that they want to go to the destination with us. As a partnership we can overcome anything and both be evermore the people we want to be.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Who Let The Dogs Out?

March 1, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

Who do you blame when a dog escapes from a garden? The dog? Perhaps it burrowed under the fence, ran amok for the day while you are at work? Where do you direct your anger upon returning home, discovering mud tracked through the house, feathers from a pilfered bedroom pillow spilt over the living room?

Do you blame the dog for following its nature, or yourself for not taking care of the hole that has slowly been growing? We could have checked the fence, filled in the hole then provided the dog with more toys to play with in the garden to distract it’s instincts.

Day after day the dog worked diligently on its escape, digging under the fence, it did not do so because it hates you, or even understands the purpose of the fence and wished to thwart it, the dog dug because it is in its nature.

The animal is doing what it does with little thought beyond the actions at hand. However, we, as humans, have the ability to examine the evidence; muddy paws, a growing hole in the lawn by the fence, and deduce a likely cause and outcome. An animal would do nothing about it because it is not a problem for the now, the human however can act because they can understand the future.

We are all werewolves.

Within us all there are two natures, the animal and the human. The animal is the part of us that responds to those base instincts, it is what makes us run from what scares us, but also what encourages us to lie in bed all day. The animal is simple, quick to react, slow to think. This is wonderful when it works well, it speaks to us on an instinctual level, picking up on things that take our thinking brain far too long to process. However, it also responds too quickly, dealing with the wants of now without thinking about the needs of the future. If we are ruled by our animal nature then we can not plan well for the future, enraptured by the now as we would be.

We build fences to restrict the free roaming of the animal, to channel its energy in line with our human desires. The animal cannot be rationally argued with, thus we must build restrictions around it. This does not mean that we must be in conflict with it however. We can fill that space with toys to keep the animal entertained, we can bribe it with greater rewards if it can hold itself in check, we can communicate, but only ever as it’s master if we do not wish it to master us.

Every one of us has destructive instincts, drives which are geared more towards immediate satisfaction than the considered outcome. We each have a responsibility to strive towards a higher, ideal self. First we must set these fences within our own minds, and be sure of their security before we try setting them for others.

The high handed enemy.

Each relationship is unique and carries with it different expectations of, or limitations upon, each party involved. While most shall fall into broad categories of monogamous or polyamorous, open or closed, even within those you shall have nuances, do’s and don’ts which those involved have negotiated. It is the responsibility of both to be mindful and equal in not just the setting of these expectations, but also in their execution.

However we find that this equality of responsibility and expectation falls away when the fundamental underpinnings of the relationship rest upon an inequality of both parties. It is here where the roles of animal and human are split between the two members of the relationship. The bottom in the relationship gives over the rights of planning to the top, they replace it rather with their obedience. The Top in turn must set the boundaries and expectations of the relationship. We Tops in a sense become superhuman by the absorption of this extra power from our bottoms, while they, in turn, are given over more freely to the animal nature within us all. This can only ever be done if it is truly what both involved want.

The Top takes on a terrible responsibility at this point, of not only setting the boundaries of the relationship but also making sure that both parties are content with where they lie. The Top is also responsible for the maintenance of those fences.

If our partners are straining against the boundaries that we have set in place we need to respond to that in the same way we would if a dog has started to dig a hole. Boundaries are being tested, that is okay! It should even be expected, what is important is that we reset those boundaries, shore them up, fill in the hole. Once we know those fences are secure we can turn to look at the cause of the straining. Does our pet need more toys, is it just bored, or does it need a greater freedom?

We should never be angry when boundaries are tested, even broken. Our partner is acting like the animal they are, and within the structure of our relationship it is agreed that we shall be the controlling, thinking party and they the animal. They have sacrificed part of that human nature, that active critical thinking, to us in the exchange of power that is integral to the D/s relationship.

Within a D/s relationship the Top sets the boundaries and because of this is also responsible for maintaining said boundaries. If our partners follow their animal natures and run amok we should first look to the fences, then to their training.

About the Author

The importance of begging

February 2, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

Begging you

There is an undeniable rush when someone is kneeling before you. A steady flow of begging, pleading, beseeching tumbling from their lips. Great, big, imploring eyes looking up at you helplessly.

But none of this matters if it isn’t real!

I want to see genuine fear, regret and helplessness mixed on that face. I want them to mean it when they beg me, not play act, not pretend, it must be earnest. They need to know that they had better mean every, single, pathetic word if they want to have any hope.

Begging is not a cute manipulation, a coy way of getting what they want. Begging is the final step in the total abasement of self and acceptance of one’s own pitiful helplessness.

Riding high, when I was king

There is a weight of cultural history behind the idea of begging. It carries with it a far greater impact than asking, requesting, petitioning… all of these are forms of imploring which allows the supplicant to retain some dignity, not so with begging. To beg is to identify oneself as absolutely without power, entirely unable to achieve the desired outcome without the help of the one we are beseeching.

We associate begging with the lowest, the most helpless, the image of a peasant before the King. Begging never happens when standing, and certainly not while looking someone in the eye. Begging should not just be an expression of helplessness but also a physical representation of it. In the same way that a dog will bare its throat in surrender, begging should have some human parallel.

The most common position we might find across cultures and time is that of kneeling with the head down. Being lower, unable to move save for an awkward shuffling, unable to see those we are talking to. By matching actions to words we emphasise the true helplessness of the supplicant.

Now we understand how it should look, and why, we can examine the deeper meaning when genuinely begging.

Put your loving hand out

Commanding someone with the phrase “Beg me!” says a number of things beyond just “Get on your knees and ask!”. The first message is that whatever form the request has taken so far is insufficient. It is possible that some bottoms can develop a sense of entitlement and no longer fully appreciate that a request is not enough. They must never forget that whatever they may be granted is at your sufferance.

My partner has to ask to sit on the sofa, and sometimes I do not let her. If I always let her then the ritual of asking loses all meaning, it is simply a pointless step, an action she has to go through that does not have an actual effect, the outcome is preordained. Not letting her sit on the sofa when she asks to is a reminder of my power and the fact that there is a value to the asking, and asking nicely. If I do not teach her that what she is asking for has a value then she will not be properly grateful when I grant her desire. It is this value that is important to us in the consideration of when it is time to make them beg.

I need you to understand

The greater the value we have attributed to a request the more they must pay. In a D/s dynamic the top controls more than the bottom, owns more, has more rights. The top sets the market rate because they control the market. The bottom can only enter as a consumer, they have less control, own less, have less rights. There is an economic relationship here that we can exploit as the top.

The currency of the transaction that is taking place when begging is dignity. The one who is begging is sacrificing more and more dignity in exchange for the desired boon. They abase themselves before us, but they cannot, and will not, do so unceasingly. For begging to be a valuable lesson we have to be the ones to bring it to an end.

There is no safe word to end begging, so the only recourse to the bottom is to beg more or to give up. We do not want them to give up, rarely does that end well, often it ends with them feeling shit. They have failed to please us and they have failed to achieve their objective. There is no lesson learnt there, just disappointment.

We do not want them to feel that they have humbled themselves for no reason. Once they have called it off, decided they can go no lower we cannot then accept their debasement, then it would be too late. We have to carefully judge when they are at their lowest point and then end it. Our objective is not resentment but rather gratitude.

If we want to encourage this self-degradation then we have to show that it is worthwhile. We cannot grind them into the dirt, force them to beg and beg, and then not rewards that, not give it a value. If we want to encourage an acceptance of their degraded state of existence then we need to provide a positive reinforcement. We need to positively encourage the contradictory correlation between helplessness and gain.

We are teaching them a pattern of behaviour and an acceptance of this method of interaction, as such there must be the reward.

I don’t want to lose you

We set the value of a thing by dictating how much must be given up to satisfy us. It is on us to carefully price what our bottoms are hoping to gain. They need to work for it, but it has to be within their grasp, if they just beg a little harder this time.

If there is something they truly want but they need permission or help to achieve then they need to learn that it can only be achieved by satisfying our desire for their total submission. It is important that they become comfortable with begging, it can take a while to overcome the social taboos in place and break through the barriers of pride. We can make this easier for them by gradually acclimatising them to it. In the same way that a subscription service has a high value low barrier to entry which slowly changes over time we can gently ratchet up the intensity of the begging needed from out bottoms.

When we become accustomed to having something and are use to paying for it then it is easy for the price to slowly increase without us even noticing. Before we know it we can be paying far more than we realised for exactly the same thing. My partner is used to a number of things, she is also very use to having to ask for them, so if she has to ask a little harder this time it isn’t as much of a shock. Bit by bit she will need to try harder, ask nicer, plead more, until that which use to be received with a simple “May I Sir?” is now only granted after the most desperate begging.

They must become use to being helpless, to being weak, to begging their kind and merciful owner for even the smallest thing…and they must be grateful for it.

About the Author

Know Them By Their Deeds

December 8, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

There is an undeniable power of reputation on the scene. We judge people not just on their appearance, skills and huge collection of toys, but also their reputation. What do people say, what stories have they heard, have they performed at an event, given a demo?

Some of us will seek out a play partner entirely based upon their reputation. If you are chatting to friends who like a particular type of play they might well share an experience they have had with someone, who you then might wish to track down in order to replicate the experience. Some might even go so far as to offer to introduce you if you ask. In some cases the exact opposite might happen, and you will be warned off of someone who is on the scene.

There is of course a risk to this judging by reputation. The phrase “No smoke without fire” comes to mind, a phrase I have never trusted. There is too great a risk to hearing one side of a bad break-up, one scene that went wrong, one misunderstanding. However, lots of independent, consistent accounts is a very different story.

We contribute to someone’s standing in a myriad of ways. Friending them online, attending their workshops, liking their pictures. It can be a difficult line to walk, that of not judging without cause while also not abdicating responsibility.

Rather than setting ourselves hard and fast rules we might be better served by a shared philosophy of care.

Eyes up, guardian!

Each subset of the scene may well have their particular version of this phrase, but allow me to share this one from the rope community:

“I don’t trust an “experienced“ rigger who only ties with new models.”

It is a simple statement, but it is worth exploring. It may well be a phrase whose underlying philosophy could be adopted by the wider community.

First let us see who it excludes from the statement.

It encourages no prejudice against those many riggers who are just starting out, regardless of age. Just because some of us are older it does not mean we are experienced and conversely being younger is not synonymous with being inexperienced. I have met some wonderful people in later life enthusiastically exploring rope bondage for the first time, as well as those in their early 20’s who have developed excellent rope skills through dedicated study and practice.

It does however highlight the concept of the “experienced” rigger, someone who has been tying for an extended period of time. Certainly long enough to be expected to have a solid grasp of the ropes.

We then have the suggestion that they tie with new models. This is not a terrible thing, someone has to tie the newbies after all. The concern entirely stems from the idea of it being ONLY new models that they tie with.

Taken all together this is the warning, if someone who should know what they are doing is only ever tying with people who are new to the scene then why is that the case? If an individual can only ever find partners from among the inexperienced then is there a reason?

To catch a predator.

It is commonly understood that there are predators on the scene, with various predilections. We are also aware that it is when people first enter the scene that they are often at their most vulnerable.

I believe that we all have a responsibility to protect our scene and those entering it. There are a number of ways we can do this.

One of the most effective methods of educating new people I find is to lead by example. If someone wants to play with you first tell them to get references, tell them to ask people about you. Teach them that if you want to know what someone is like then ask multiple people who have been on the local scene for a while about them.

Tell them to attend public events, not to play with people straight away, and to be aware of anyone that reacts negatively to being asked for references. Then make them do that with you as well.

Try to impress upon them that having lots of friends online and likes on pictures is not the same as vouches. There are people here in the UK who have thousands of followers, most of them from the USA, while multiple local venues have banned that person from attending their events. What would you take away from that?

We cannot warn someone about every danger that might be out there, but we can try to encourage them to be informed. There is information available, we just have to encourage people to learn how to find it.

Friends don’t let friends play without a net!

People should build good habits and no one should be offended by people practicing those habits. Just because you have never done anything bad, and no one has said you have, it doesn’t mean people shouldn’t take precautions around you. Ask people if they have set up a safe call with a friend, and if not then make them! Refuse to play until you know they have learnt how to protect themselves.

Take responsibility for them as well as yourself. Remember, you never want to be the reason they don’t trust people on the scene. If anything you want to be the reason that something bad never happens to them.

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

While some of us might be well positioned to teach people how to be aware, and may even be in a place to actively provide information, not all of us are. However, we can do our best to be informed ourselves and act appropriately.

To invite someone to a party multiple times, to rent them your venue, to hire them as a photographer, to invite them to teach a class, all of these are ways that we very publicly vouch for a person. However we can also vouch for someone in quieter ways, one of the most obvious way is by being their friend on social media, liking their pictures, engaging with them in an affirming manner, even without saying a word.

If there is one thing I am encouraging here then it is weariness. Take your time, don’t rush into a scene, don’t play with someone straight away. This is meant for tops as well as bottoms. We all have a responsibility here, to learn good habits, to teach good habits and to practice good habits.

As a carpenter might say “Measure twice, act once.” we might say “Think twice, act once.”

About the Author

Brat Attack

October 26, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

My partner can be a bit of a brat. She talks back, gives grief, teases, pokes, but only to her friends, and certainly not with me. Oh no! She certainly isn’t a brat with me. She has learnt not to do that.

Some of our kinky friends will look plaintively at me when she is ripping them a new one, seeking some sort of dominant solidarity, imploring me to make her stop, others will even give me the open mouthed gasp of indignation and shock that I would let my girl treat them so rudely. Unfortunately they almost inevitably get the same response, her submission to me does not make her a doormat for every top. Especially as I know that with a single word, a look, or a click of my fingers, she will rush over, eyes down and do whatever she is told.

While at a casual social event with friends she might be laughing and teasing, the opposite is quite the case at an event with standing protocols. She will be polite, obedient and desperate to please. It is because I know this, and I know the power of our dynamic that I don’t need to prove it to everyone around us by stopping her from having fun in every situation to make a point.

D/s dynamics have an inherent power imbalance. This intentional mismatch of control can vary wildly dependent on the individuals involved. For some the relationship exists within a very confined space or time. Perhaps you only call her Mistress in the bedroom, or maybe only when you have put aside some special time for the two (or more) of you. For some this power imbalance goes on to underpin their relationship where they may find it helps them find a depth of trust and care they would otherwise not have.

Obligations of ownership

I have a guiding principle when it comes to my thoughts on intense D/s and that is simply that I take very good care of my property. If I like something enough to want to own it, to put it on display, to keep it in my house, then I shall certainly take care of it. I also expect other people to respect my property.

My partner and I find our relationship has deepened as our dynamic has deepened. Within the extremes of our consensual inequality we have reached a point of ownership. This level of control also carries with it the obligations of ownership. As her power has reduced in our relationship so has my responsibility grown.

We both derive a great deal of satisfaction from this state of affairs. I enjoy, and even derive comfort from, being able to control my environment in a range of ways. My partner finds being able to just focus on following instructions and obeying helps her to relax and feel safe. These are just a few of the reasons that we find the owner and property dynamic works well for us.

There is also a very physical side to this concept of ownership. My partner is not allowed to make any long lasting change to her body or appearance without my permission, from tattoos to hair dye. Part of the imbalance of the relationship is that the opposite is not even considered, I don’t think it would ever occur to her to even suggest it. This physical ownership extends beyond just this restriction of her autonomy and into the realms of my practical dominion over her appearance. I may change her appearance, restrict her clothing choices, tattoo her, pierce her, etc…

The most extreme of these touched upon are probably tattoos or piercings. She already bares what she loving refers to as my mark, or brand, upon her thigh. In a few weeks time as a birthday present to myself, I am getting her (or should I say me) a vertical clitoral hood (VCH) piercing.

Starting to look serious

Does this sound extreme? Perhaps that is because it is and as such we take things seriously. My partner and I have discussed each of these evolving aspects of our relationship before taking things further. We have very active lines of communication with regular opportunities to raise any concerns either of us might have.

This has not come out of the blue either. It is a piercing she has been interested in for a while, but has never had the drive to actually make happen. I decided to take the control away from her and tell her I was going to get it done because I wanted to decorate her body. It was no longer her choice, or responsibility. This could only happen because over time she has learnt that she can trust me to take on that responsibility and give all factors due consideration.

Private lives in public

This is part of our relationship that we do not share with others. While we might play, perform or tie with others, the dynamic D/s ownership that underpins our relationship is just for us. Her submission to me in the form of such extreme ownership is very special to me, as such I would have very strong issues with anyone who would presume to engage her in this manner without my explicit consent.

Consider for a moment how it would feel if some stranger decided to impose their authority into your dynamic. Let us imagine for a moment that you have a set number of rules for your partner, things they are allowed and not allowed to do. The two of you have discussed each of the rules in advance of implementing them. You have agreed what is reasonable, what makes you both happy and how it will affect your relationship.

Now imagine you and your partner are at a play event. You are happily enjoying your dynamic and they are following all your rules, but then a stranger walks into the middle of your dynamic and declares there are a set of rules your bottom should also be following. These rules have not been discussed with your bottom, or with you. Do you try to ignore them, while they continue to shout at you about what your partner should and shouldn’t be doing? How long would you tolerate this behavior before looking for a dungeon monitor and having this blowhard thrown out?

Don’t touch my stuff

My feelings of ownership are simple, my girl belongs to me, no one else gets to tell her how to live, what to wear, or how to look. This is something we both refer to in a lighthearted manner as consensual chauvinism. No one else should be able to insert themselves into this dynamic without being actively invited into it.

In the same way that I would be enraged if a stranger interrupted a scene to give their opinion on how my partner should be behaving, I am genuinely angered by anything that restricts her freedoms without my permission. If she doesn’t even have the freedom to start with then she has less to sacrifice to me. How could I be happy with her non-consensual sacrifice of a freedom to a stranger?

When my partners rights, freedoms and opportunities are restricted by laws set by strangers our dynamic is violated. If my partner does not have full reproductive rights then my control over her has been limited, if my partner cannot earn as much as a male colleague then my financial dominance over her is damaged. If anyone, in any situation, exercises control over my property without my consent then it should not be surprising when I ask them to leave.

It is the freedoms she sacrifices to me that I value so greatly. I can enjoy exercising control over her, objectifying her, shaping her, and she can enjoy having that done to her, but only because we have both actively consented to this. Neither of us can enjoy the faceless repression of her rights, nor should we have to. My love for my partner, my property, does not have space in it for the uninvited inclusion of someone else’s rules.

I support my partner and her ongoing battle against institutional and societal repression. Only when she is truly free, equal and liberated can I full exercise my control in our consensual relationship to take those things away from her. After all, she is my property.

About the Author

What Is Sex Even For?

September 1, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

What is sex even for?

Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power. – Oscar Wilde

Sex is a social obsession. The pursuit of it, the commercialisation of it, the regulation of it. Wherever we turn someone is telling us how to get it, how to do it, who to do it with, etc…

Cultural expectations and norms change from generation to generation, providing each argued agenda with a mythical past to call back to as the standard by which we should judge the attitudes of today. The idea of Victorian family values, the liberation of greek society, the nuclear family, the debauchery of the regency period, all ideas that exist more firmly in the mind than in the actuality of history.

So let us explore our current cultural domination and how it can benefit us in the kink community.

I hope it is not a generalisation to say that I believe the majority of those who will read this live in a country with a capitalist economy. While capitalism is an economic model it can also be explored from a sociological perspective. The manner in which we engage with the economy has become the manner by which our value is judged. How can this be to our advantage?

Make them work for it

Let us look at the steps of sexual liberation as they have happened under the currently dominant economic system.

“Sexual expression had increasingly entered the realm of choice. Our culture has developed a notion of sexuality linked to reproduction and genitality and to “deviations” from these, which have denied us the full enjoyment of the bodily pleasures that are potentially available to us.” (Weeks, J. 1980)

Children and childbearing use to be required as part of the self-sufficient household economy of the American colonial era. During the industrial revolution of the Victorian era entire families would need to work to sustain themselves. Children served as indentured workers for the parents as well as the only sort of insurance against age or injury. The family was a single, self contained economic unit.

Capitalism has led to the separation of sexuality from procreation. Human sexual desire need no longer be harnessed to reproductive imperatives. Scientific advances allow procration to be more and more of a choice, divorcing it from the tyranny of heteronormativity, chance and time under which it has suffered for thousands of years.

This role of social security has now been taken on, to a greater or lesser degree depending on yours country of residence, by the state.

As capitalism expanded it allowed us to move away from reproductive sex as a economic necessity to sex as a pleasurable past time activity. The space for sexual identity can only be formed in an environment when procreation as an economic necessity is no longer a matter of personal survival, in the same way that gardening became a hobby only once it was no longer a necessity.

Only as an individual economic unit rather than a familial economic unit is there space for the exploration for individual sexual identity rather than have it be subservient to the need for survival as part of a unit. This should in no way be seen as a deletion of alternative sexual identities from history but rather as a critical examination of how it has been difficult for sex itself, in any form, to be a leasure activity let alone be a part of a complete identity. Historically non familial sexual identities have had to exist in a parallel social space, perhaps the best known being the greek concept of pederasty. (Hubbard, Thomas K. 2003.) Sex could occure outside of a breeding pair for purely pleasurable reasons, but only if the society was still able to sustain a minimum level of reproduction.

Paradox

Capitalism contains a fundamental paradox at its heart. While it weakens the imperative for the individual becoming a reproducing unit, it also needs reproducing pairs to provide the next generation of workers. It praises the power of the individual while trying to incentivising the forming of reproducing pairs. This urgency has been eased by the advances in biological sciences that expand the option of parenthood far beyond a single mating pair.

While there may no longer be the economic need to direct sexual expression to reproduction as its only justification there is a still a lingering stigma around the idea of sex being a possesed activity of personal enjoyment. Societal acceptance and the hollow cries of morality trails behind the almighty power of the dollar. Infallible, eternal morality has a strange habit of bending to economic demands eventually.

I believe the historical sanctification of reproduction for economic reasons is why it is one of the most contentious areas of debate. As there is no longer a reasonable economic argument it has transitioned into the ethereal realm of spiritual and moralistic argument.

Kink does not face the same inherent contradiction in full. It challenges society only with its sexual divergence from necessity to pleasure, from reproduction to indulgence. The ability to control reproduction and relegate to an option rather than a risk allows us to explore our sexuality without “purpose”. With no need to justify our sexual desires we become less bound to the control of others. Contraceptives have liberated women in ways we could never have imagined (Pierre‐André Chiappori and Sonia Oreffice, 2008).

We have a number of advantages over other sexual identities. We can largely blend in without compromising our sense of self. Our communities have access to far greater anonymous social networking. An expanded social vocabulary of sexual identity hard won by those who have not been able to, or have not wanted, to hide their divergence from the expressed social norms of the time.

However, this can work against us. As we are not forced to publicly declare our sexual identities simply by existing we can hide in plain sight. By not being identifiable we may escape the prejudices of the moment but we suffer disenfranchisement, especially from the economic rights granted to identifiable demographics.

Greed is good

Kink is not cheap, for many it is not only our sexual identity but also our hobby and social life. We invest vast amounts of time and funds into the development of skills and items wholly dedicated towards our own sexual exploration.

“Most lesbian and gay men in the 1960’s first discovered their homosexual desires in isolation, unaware of others, and without any resources for the naming and understanding what they felt.” (Hansen, K V. 1998)

While the first step in our empowerment might be our self identifying as part of a homogeneous group, our true strength lies in the unification of our economic identity. Where once we had to order our fetish wear through strange magazines we can now support physical stores. Sex shops now exist on Oxford street selling floggers and latex hoods.

Capitalism serves those groups who are able to wield the power of mass, we must always strive to be identified, to infiltrate the social consciousness so that more might identify with us. There is a tipping point to be reached, that which propels the unnoticed, uncared for, into the heady heights of economic engagement.

This is where the second part of the argument comes to a head. By becoming a recognised, marketable demographic we can be engaged with economically. This is the true measure of acceptance by a capitalist society, can we be sold to and can we produce things of value? Meet those criteria and while social acceptance may take a while, economic acceptance is far quicker. Moralising often takes a back seat to economic gain.

The greater our representation in the mainstream the better. While it may be clumsy at first it should be taken as a positive step. Netflix shows that just miss the point, books which lack even a basic understanding of consent, fashion houses failing to credit the designers from whom they draw inspiration. All of these are imperfect ways that our community has been represented, but rather than rejecting them I suggest we embrace them. Take the flawed representations, encourage the discourse and buy the product. Reward those who try, and embrace those who succeed.

We have, and shall continue to, suffer the prejudices of sanctimonious outrage and accusations of moral corruption, but these are the hollow arguments of those rendered otherwise impotent by the inevitable march of a new, marketable demographic. Does the pub that you rent for a munch care that you wear latex underwear? No, they only care that they get paid. Does the leather supplier care what you use that hide for? No, they only care that they get paid.

Capitalist acceptance is decided on the grounds of monetary democracy. At the end of the day you add up the dollars and whichever trend, event or product has the most is valuable. We must enter into commerce with the community, this is our willing Toleranzgebuhrer (Leo W. Schwarz, 1963), our tolerance tax which we pay to wider society. Let them identify us, let them factor us into their marketing plans, let them think about our wallets with lust.

We are the leather dollar, sell to us, embrace our subculture, whisper sweet nothings into our ears as we fuck on a bed of newly discovered economic viability.

References:

Weeks, J. Capitalism and the organisation of sex, Homosexuality: Power and Politics [Gay Left Collective], 1980.

Hubbard, Thomas K., ed. Homosexuality in Greece and Rome. California: University of California Press, 2003.

Hansen, K V. Families in the US, Philadelphia, Temple University press, 1998.

Leo W. Schwarz, Memoirs of My People, Schoken Books, New York, 1963.

Pierre‐André Chiappori and Sonia Oreffice, Journal of Political Economy, Vol. 116, No. 1, February 2008

About the Author

In The Kinky Closet

June 30, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

Yes Mistress!

I am fortunate enough to know some truly wonderful dominatrices…AS FRIENDS!!! (Let us make that clear before you let your imagination run away with you.) I sometimes feel that these individuals represent a neglected field of outreach for our community, that of fantasy exploration. Many of us are lucky enough to be able to explore our kinks and fetishes with friends and at events. However there are many kinksters who cannot explore and express this part of their personality for a range of reasons, family, work, self-confidence, etc…

Those isolated members of the kink community still need an outlet for their sexual identity.

The dominatrix provides a safe, private haven for self exploration, for fulfilment of an emotional need in a place of acceptance. Perhaps there is something the rest of us can all do for those who are still in the fetish closet?

You can look but don’t touch.

There has been a debate recently regarding kink representation at Pride events. Does it have a place? It absolutely does, with provisos; lewd public acts, public sadism and nudity is not needed to express kink publicly, and can be genuinely inappropriate. Given that consideration Pride is still about being provocative, challenging how we define love and what role society has in an individual’s relationships. Pride does not ask what is acceptable. It shouts this is love, this is okay and it doesn’t need your approval.

There is a huge amount we can learn from the journey our friends in the LGBTQ community have been on. Very much thanks to them we now have advantages that they did not when they began their emergence into social consciousness. The groundwork for alternative art has already been laid, fashion actively searches gay and fetish styles for inspiration and the internet gives us access to a geographically unbound community.

We are extraordinarily fortunate to have a connected community. We are able to find those who share our general BDSM interests, and to even find those niches within those. Do you like D/s? Great! Do you like Puppy/trainer D/s? Great! Do you like gay leather puppy/trainer D/s? Great! You even get your own float at pride, more forums than you can handle and probably a dedicated munch!

Do you like what you see?

Kink being seen, being celebrated and becoming somewhat normalised has changed how people are able to identify their interests. Historically kink may have always been the itching in the back of your skull which you could never scratch. You may not have ever known anyone else in the whole world had the same itch, and you would have lived your entire life without ever getting to scratch it. The loneliness of being kink isolated is something we should all try to break.

Kink is not for everyone, for many people seeing something kinky will only ever inspire a type of carnival interest. However, for some people it can be the first stirrings of an answer to a question that has been with them their whole adult lives.

It is up to each of us to decide how public we can be with our kink and the type of role we want to take on in the normalization of our lifestyle.

Some of us can live our kink day to day, be public, be known, show our faces and happily present an open face to the non-kink world. Even going so far as to become an active resource for those looking to learn more.

Others might be able to be part of the community but keep it quiet, attend events but dodge the cameras.

Some of us might not be able to be active with our kink. It forms a secret part of our lives. If that is the case yet you are reading this then I am glad, and don’t forget to use incognito mode! Even if you cannot enact your kink and join us in ours we are still your community.

How about something special?

One of my favourite phrases is “Don’t kink shame me!” I have heard it used consistently in a joking way by kinksters and vanilla people alike. Some might worry that it mocks those who have kinks, but I rather take it as a positive. It begins to normalise that everyone has kinks, of varying degrees. I want people to laugh about ridiculously over the top claims of kink shaming, because at the same time it projects the idea that everyone has kinks, and that is normal.

Being publicly visible is something we do for all those people who cannot be seen. We shout so they can hear us. We don’t need them to do anything, we just want them to know they are not alone, they are loved, and they are valid.

The challenges we face today are less than we have, but there are still members of our community that are more vulnerable than others. If we can help each other we should, but if we cannot then that is okay, protect yourself, be safe, we shall always try to have a community here for you.

Supporting our kink venues, attending local munches, discussing our kinks, these are all ways that we help this community stay strong and make it easier for others to embrace it. The simple act of being demands acceptance.

About the Author

No Easter Bunny For Me

May 26, 2019 By Will Hunt 3 Comments

Like most people I started practicing rope in the bedroom long before I realized there was an active community. Trying my best to replicate what I had seen in porn or in photos. My long suffering partner at the time kindly sat through incompetent hours of practice.

There were no terms for the two of us involved and certainly there were no names for the unrecognizable patterns I was tying. When I really became involved with rope I voraciously consumed private tutorials, classes and books. During this time I began to learn the language of rope. As I learnt the names for certain ties, cinches and patterns I also learnt that my partner was called a bunny and I was a rigger.

Without thought I started to use these terms, and for almost 10 years I continued to. I have referred to some of the most skilled and physically able people I have ever met as a bunny. I find it embarrassing to admit that I absorbed this term without thought for its meaning; it was just a defining word. I gave no consideration to strength of a label.

We are what we say we are

For years I happily went along absorbing information and regurgitating it without question. I uncritically parroted what I learnt with absolute confidence. But then something changed, it was a small thing and hard to identify at first, I found that the term bunny had began to sit uncomfortably with me.

Something itched in the back of my mind and would not settle. I found myself compelled to find the source of this discomfort. I turned to exploring the word itself and what weight it might carry.

Labeling theory argues that the description or classification of an individual directly influences the perception and self-identity of that same individual. Consider the words we use for the person who ties, Rigger, Rope Top, Nawashi, Teacher… All of these are strong, evocative words. And what term do we use for partners in all this? Bunny, a young rabbit, helpless, cute and weak.

These partners are tied, swung, suspended, risk injury, suffer the pain of our mistakes and look amazing while doing it. This was the source of my discomfort; I felt the name I had been taught to use to define my rope partner inherently placed them in a position of weakness.

I had ignored the incredible power in the naming of a role.

Now I should pause before I go further as I fear I may sound as if I am condemning people. I do not have any judgement to pass on anyone who uses the term affectionately or self-identifies with the term. I felt that I had made a mistake in not questioning why I chose to use it.

Hop off

Consider the impact of saying; the person who does this thing is a bunny. As a community when we introduce a classifying term it forms the basis of our perception of that role. If we ascribe all our terms of respect to only one individual in a partnership without regard to the nuances of that relationship what impression does that give? We fix the power dynamic without regard to the people involved.

Our willingness to allow such infantilising terms to be used is symptomatic of a lack of thought regarding the effect we have on those we work with. If we absorb and repeat without thought then we only perpetuate.

There is of course a secondary aspect of this which is when we say; you are a bunny. In this case we place an identity on a person, placing a value on them. There is no agency granted to this individual even if they rebel against the word because it has become an accepted identifying term used by the community they have entered into.

Welcome to the real world

“The fact of the matter is that the ‘real world’ is to a large extent unconsciously built up on the language habits of the group” (Sapir, 1929).

As a group we have developed a habit betrayed in our use of words. The one doing the tying is portrayed as the one in control, the powerful one and is granted equally powerful terms, while the one tied is relegated to a weaker, supportive role.

To define someone with a powerless term is to rob them of the authority and respect they deserve. To use the term in ignorance is the fault of the community, I think we need to challenge ourselves to think about why we use it and if we still want to.

Model behavior

I don’t have a perfect solution to what I perceive as a problem. I hate to present an issue without a solution, so instead I can only offer what I have found sits comfortably with me.

Rather than refer to those I tie with as bunnies I refer to them as models. As anyone who does modelling will tell you, it is not easy. It is hard work that requires skill.

Clothes, like rope, are lifeless. Throw rope onto a floor and it does nothing, tie rope about a mannequin and it has no passion. It is our model who brings life to our work, gives energy to our rope.

We tie the same ties with different people because of the uniqueness of what they add. If all the beauty of rope came from the ties and the rigger then we could achieve nothing new with different people.

Respect your partners in word and action. I have found the way that works for me, find what works for you. The first step is simply thinking, thinking about what words mean, why you use them and the impact they have.

About the Author

Will Hunt

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