Will Hunt

Some Sadist Reassurance

November 1, 2020 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

sexy male Dominant with wooden paddle — via stock.adobe.com

This article is for all you fellow sadists out there. All of us who love to cause pain to others. Who bite our lip as we watch someone’s toes curl, face wince, tears run. Those of us who enjoy the screaming, begging and moaning of our partners.

This article is for all you fellow sadists who carefully plan your scenes. Who learn our partner’s limits and play just on the right side of them. Those of us who like to scare people when we haven’t even touched them…yet!

But above all this article is for you fellow sadists who have doubts, insecurities. Who have wondered if there was something wrong with us because of what we enjoy. Those of us who have questioned ourselves and if our kinks are okay.

Most of us learnt what sadism was long before we learnt about kink, and we learnt sadism was a negative thing; sadism is cruel, wicked, hateful even. To be a sadist is to derive sexual pleasure from the pain, suffering and humiliation of others. Most of us are raised to understand that to do any of these things to another person is a bad thing, and can only ever be a bad thing. There was no provision made for the possibility of a sexual, consensual connotation to sadism when we were learning about right and wrong.

Throughout our lives we develop our sexual identity: new kinks grow, old kinks fade, we lust for more types of play, we relax into roles, but rarely are we static in our kink identity.

I began exploring my kinks in my early 20’s. At first, as with most people, it was all about exploring, discovering what I enjoyed, and what various partners also enjoyed. Often there were just two of us involved. Two consenting adults exploring mentally and physically what we could derive pleasure from. This was relatively straightforward. I enjoyed tying people up, so I found people who enjoyed being tied up, simple!

Bondage seemed simple, I would restrain someone in some way, and then do something pleasurable to them. However, it then became complicated by those partners who wanted pain mixed with their pleasure. What made it even more difficult was the fact that I found myself enjoying causing that pain!

Suddenly I discovered that when I was causing someone pain a third person entered the room.

I discovered this third person quite by accident while exploring my sadism. I would be playing with someone, we would be exploring an element of sadism and often they would be asking for more. I would be wanting to do more, but then the third person would butt in and throw questions at me!

“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”

“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”

“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”

“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”

This third person gave voice to all the insecurities of someone new to the responsibilities of being a top. It was the voice of someone who had not been educated about the nuances of consent. It was the voice of my other self, the one that doubted me and even judged me.

At first I was angered by these intrusions. They interrupted my flow, made me second guess not just myself but also my partners. I wanted to ignore it, but the more I tried to ignore it the louder this third person got.

After ignoring it didn’t work I realised I had to engage with it and that is when I learnt the most important lesson: This voice can work for us, or against us.

We do want to approach sadism gently, for our sake and for the sake of others. When we first start to walk we are prone to falling over, it is the gate at the stairs, the hand that catches us, the sofa we cling on to, all of these are the things that stop us from hurting ourselves too much when we first start. We take things slowly because we are made to, we don’t know any better yet.

That voice, that third person, is a caring voice, it is encouraging us to stay safe, and by extension keep safe those who we are with. We do not need to treat it as an antagonist but there comes a time when we do have to be firm with it.

There is a time when we can walk, run, dance and the stair gate is now just in our way, the hand that once caught us is holding us back. We need to be able to turn to that third person and recognise that it has helped us, it has kept us from hurting ourselves, but in a firm voice we have to declare that we have outgrown it.

We can only be comfortable with who we are when we are able to reconcile with that voice, to tame it and take it inside. Let it become caution, not doubt, let it be experience, not questioning.

Grow with your third voice, learn from it, but also take control of it.

Sadism is not bad, hurting people is not bad, causing someone to scream is not bad, when we do it with fellow consenting adults! That is the mantra that eventually tamed my third voice. Everytime the old questions would come up I could now answer them.

“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”

Yes. I trust the person I am playing with, I trust that they have told me the truth. I know we went through her Yes/No/Maybe list.

“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”

Then I will apologise, I will make sure she is okay and I will try to be more careful. I will also practice more so that I don’t make the same mistake.

“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”

Yes. I am an adult playing with another adult. My responsibility is to us, and only us. I don’t need to justify what I enjoy to any outside element.

“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”

No, I am not taking advantage. We have sought each other out because of a common interest and the fact that we reflect each other’s kinks.

I had to learn the answers to these questions and practice answering them every time they came up. Until the third person piped up less often, and finally not at all.

Satisfying that third person is what can let us focus on what is really important when being a sadist; the two people in the scene, you and your partner. Those questions are no longer a distraction, we know the answers and give them before the voice can even ask. The questions have become part of the mental checklist of care that we run through proactively before a scene.

We don’t fight the voice, rather we find what is valuable in it and make it a positive thing for us and our partners.

I am now grateful for the voice that expressed all those concerns. In fact I would be more concerned if I didn’t have them at the beginning. The fact that I had those doubts, those worries, reassures me if I ever think that having morals, caring about people, wanting good things for others, is incompatible with being a sadist.

I do not need to be perfect to be a good sadist, and I don’t need to be perfect to be a good person. I am imperfect and have lots to learn, but I have learnt that I can be a sadist and a good person.

So back to you my fellow sadists, you are good people who do “bad” things with others, and they love us for it. Be “bad, be “cruel”, be “wicked” and then give your play partner a great big hug after and feel good about it.

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
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Spank Me Like You Mean It: A Guide To Impact Play

October 24, 2020 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

sexy male Dom with crop — via stock.adobe.com

There are many wonderful activities associated with BDSM. If you have a kink you can probably find a thriving community online to discuss it, learn more about it and be introduced to nuances of play that may never have occurred to you in isolation. It can also be reassuring to know that you aren’t alone in your kink. However strange you might think you are, there are going to be people out there who will accept you.

In this article I want to discuss a type of play which is for many people their first “toe dip” into the wider world of BDSM; spanking. For many of us it is our first experience of doing something that we are told is supposed to cause pain, which we are taught is a bad thing, but actually we find our partner enjoys, which we know is a good thing.

Spanking falls under a wider catagory of corporal punishment, otherwise known as CP play. While spanking almost exclusively refers to the use of an open hand to strike the bottom it can also involve the use of implements; paddles, floggers, canes, etc…

Spanking does not require a huge amount of equipment, in fact it can all be done with just a hand, a partner’s bottom, and a knee for them to lay over. It is a cheap, fun activity that we can enjoy for years to come.

The first thing we want to consider when planning a spanking are the same things we should plan before any scene (so it is good to get into the habit now). We want to know our partners limits, their safeword, and any issues we should be aware of.

We are going to break down a spanking into distinct sections so we can understand what is happening, and explore each part that makes up the whole. We shall look at: where is it going to happen, how are they going to be positioned, what is going to be used, what is the objective, and how will aftercare be managed?

Where?

We start by planning where it will happen because an oft overlooked side effect of a spanking is the noise produced. Not only the potential sounds of our partner, but also the constant noise of the spanking itself. The sound of a bare hand on a naked arse should not be underestimated.

Imagine how annoyed you would be if your neighbor started clapping rhythmically for 40 minutes while occasionally screaming unexpectedly!

While it is not always possible to rent a dungeon or attend a play event we can try to be considerate and think about the noise we will be making and if it could become an issue for others.

How?

Once we have decided where we are playing our next consideration should be how our partner will position themselves. We should be aware of their comfort, and how their position will change the play area, in this case the surface of their butt and back of the thighs.

Hopefully your partner will have a position they find most comfortable, some like to lie flat on a bed, others prefer to be kneeling, or held over a knee. Overall our goal is to find a position which is comfortable and can be held for a prolonged time. Our objective is to spank our partner, not to have them develop cramp in their calf, or a sore back.

Depending on how our partner is positioned we may find that the surface tension of the bottom may change. Laying flat allows for muscles to relax and as a result you might find that they ripple more on impact, while bent over a bench you might find their muscles are more contracted, giving a firmer surface. For some this will translate into a stingier or thudier type of sensation, something we shall cover in more details shortly.

What?

Get them comfortable and then you can think about how you are going to spank them. Most types of impact fall into one of two categories, thudy or stingy. Most people have a distinct preference for the type of sensation so it is important that we understand the type of sensation our toys inflict.

There are lots of things we can use before we have to go shopping for kink specific toys. A wooden spoon from the kitchen, a slipper from the shoe rack, a belt from the wardrobe. It is important that we know what we are working with before we start flailing around at someone’s bottom. Using your forearm you can usually practice a few strikes to get the feel of the implement and the type of sensation it elicits.

As a rule of thumb you will find that the further the point of impact is from the handle the more difficult the implement is to use reliably. So hitting the same place repeatedly with your hand is reasonably guaranteed, while hitting the same place repeatedly with a 6 foot single tail is much harder. We definitely want to start easy and make sure to spend plenty of time learning before using more difficult implements.

Most implements fall into the two sensation categories below.

Stingy: Thin canes, light floggers, quick hand slaps, light paddles, single tails…

Thudy: Thick canes, heavy floggers, heavy hand slaps, thick paddles, leather belts…

For a more stingy sensation you want to strike quickly with almost a flicking motion. This can serve to intensify the inherently stingy nature of the implement, or even add a stingy sensation to a thudy implement.

For a more thudy sensation you want to land the blow with a solid impact and press. Almost as if you are striking through the surface and holding it in place. This can help deepen the pressure of a thudy tool, or even to lessen the stingy sensation of a lighter toy.

Objective?

We want to understand the types of sensation our partner enjoys. This serves us well if we want to let them enjoy a scene based around sensations, and is just as important if we want to be sadistic. The better we understand our partners ability to process different sensations the better we are able to take them on an experiential journey.

A spanking scene can be a transcendental experience, the constant, steady impacts become a drum beat by which the bottom can drift off into something often referred to as “sub space”. Or it can be a brutal punishment the bottom cannot escape from and eventually can only surrender to. These are just two possible goals, but are almost diametrically opposed, so we should be sure that both of us know what type of scene we want to have.

Aftercare?

It is extremely important that we consider what we shall do for the bottom after the scene. Physically and mentally we need to help them settle again.

You will often find that your partner is not in state to coherently explain their needs after a spanking scene, so it is our responsibility to have had this conversation in advance. Before we begin we should discuss the type of aftercare they commonly need, and have it prepared for them.

This can be physical; blankets, drinks, sweets, and it can also be more mental; verbal reassurance, physical closeness. Have whatever you need close at hand and be prepared to spend as long as is needed helping your partner to recover.

Now what?

We have explored a little of what is involved in a spanking, but there is so so much more. For many of us this might be our first experience of physical BDSM, but that doesn’t mean it is something we grow out of, or lacks nuance. There are lots of ways of playing with spanking, and lots of ways to engage in it.

Spanking, and the wider category of CP, fits quite easily into many types of play. Spending time learning how to spank, paddle, cane, flog and whip is well worth the investment. With practice you can learn to make a cane deliver a range of sensations and drive your partner into states of agony or ecstasy.

If you get to know your local community you will hopefully be able to find skilled kink educators who will be able to give you some hands-on experience. Different techniques and different tools are best tried with someone experienced in their use. I encourage you to get hands on experience and teaching wherever you can. Never be afraid to learn, we should all actively seek out those more experienced to learn from and improve our abilities.

We are building up our skills so we can explore with partners. While we can learn lots for them, we will also learn the most from them. Everything we learn is so that we can better take a journey together.

24/7 D/s Relationships are Like a Layer Cake

August 3, 2020 By Will Hunt 8 Comments

male dom having a conversation with his female submissive — via stock.adobe.com

24/7 D/s relationships are a lot of work. The title alone should be the give away, and I don’t mean the 24/7 or D/s part, those only come after the really tricky bit, the relationship. For some of us our sense of self is so tied up in the dynamics of relationship that we can forget which follows which.

Our dynamics are layered upon those parts of us that make up functioning human beings. We are a top, a bottom, a switch after we are a person. Those needs which are fulfilled by those dynamics are valuable. Often they can be very comforting, allowing us to choose the manner in which we engage with the people around us with clearly set terms of engagement. Within our relationships it can provide clearly defined expectations and responsibilities. However, we need the stable foundation of a relationship upon which to build.

We will all have times when we will struggle. Perhaps the urge to serve it strained, or the desire to tell someone what to do waines? For some reason that which came easily and we thought was core to our relationship, to our very sense of self, becomes difficult. It can be a source of panic as we try to diagnose the problem. Do I need to be more dominant, double down on the rules, forgive no trespass? We become so obsessed with the symptoms that we fail to diagnose the root cause of the issue.

The D/s aspect of a relationship is often the most emotionally vulnerable part of a relationship as it rests on the very top. Seen each and every day in the way we act, the way we talk, so any break in that pattern is very obvious. Often the D/s parts of us are the most extreme representations of us, the most vulnerable, the most self indulgent, the most us that we can only truly manifest when we feel safe. It can be the canary in the coal mine of troubles we aren’t even aware of.

Dig Deep

If we are finding it hard to connect in a kinky way I believe it is worth working up through the layers of the relationship, rather than backwards from the fault. If we no longer feel safe enough in the relationship to be uniquely vulnerable in the way that D/s allows us to then we need to understand what has changed.

There is a risk that if we spend all our time struggling to work out why we aren’t enjoying the rules and making up new rules, or altering existing ones, then we are not exploring why the rules have stopped being fun. Layering more plaster over a crack in a wall won’t solve the problem. We need to work out why the crack is there in the first place. Stop the root problem, then repair and plaster over the crack.

If there is a problem on the top level of the relationship, the D/s aspect, then we should explore the foundations of the relationship. By starting with the fundamentals we can test each of those things that are essential to a healthy relationship.

The underpinnings of a relationship are not D/s, they are care, affection, love and much much more. You kink compatibility may be what brought you together, but it will not be what keeps you together.

What may have brought you together is not necessarily the same thing that keeps you together. I have been fortunate enough to have had some wonderful scenes with people. Our kinks were compatible, we enjoyed our time together, but a relationship was never a prospect. Kink compatibility does not naturally lead to relationship compatibility. So why would we focus on the kink aspect first rather than that which makes up the underpinnings of the relationship if there is a problem?

If there are uncomfortable things that we need to confront about our relationship we can be prone to distraction. It is easy to mistake activity for progress.

Foundation Stone

Recently the D/s aspect of my relationship had to take a backseat in order to focus on my partners needs. She did not need a dom at that time, she needed a partner. Everything but the most basic levels of D/s had to be put on hold. She still wore her collar, had to ask permission for the same things as always, but apart from those few things our focus shifted almost exclusively to taking care of her.

My role as Top in our relationship had to shift, changing from an owner, an enforced of rules, to far more of a carer. Our relationship became almost vanilla! Gasp, shock, horror!

Fortunately she felt better after a few weeks of care and we were able to start bringing our rules back to the forefront of our relationships. Shifting back to the D/s heavy nature of our relationship. However, there was a problem. I was really struggling. I found it hard to just turn the switch back on. Everything told me I enjoyed our kink dynamic, I wanted to get back to it in full, so did she. Everything we were thinking about our shared kink told us we should be right back where we were a few weeks ago.

Our mistake was in only looking at the issue from the kink layer of the relationship. We were so fixated on getting that back to normal that we didn’t even consider that there could be an issue on another level that we were totally missing.

For a few days we struggled. We were doing all the kinky things, and just not feeling it. It felt just like we were going through the motions. A horrible thing to feel in a D/s dynamic where our joint commitment is so integral to the relationship working.

After a few days of it just not working we had a long conversation. Forcing ourselves to verbalise what we were feeling, what was frustrating us and what wasn’t working. We didn’t have to come up with a solution, we were just diagnosing the problem. Neither of us pretended something was working that wasn’t, neither of us attributed blame (after all we both wanted the same thing). What we did was work up from the fundamentals of our relationship, asking the hard questions as we went. Did we still love each other, did we still enjoy being with each other, did we still excite each other…

It is important to ask these hard questions, because it is the answers that will help us. Fortunately after the talk we were able to understand why we weren’t clicking, it was as simple as the fact that I needed to feel confident that she really was okay. I needed to feel safe enough to be myself in full with her again, and to recognise that needed to give myself a couple of days to recover from being so focused on caring for her.

The spice of life

Kink is a beautiful, thrilling, erotic addition to a relationship. In my case it is so pervasive that it could easily be mistaken as the relationship in its entirety. If I am not careful I can make that mistake myself.

While kink might bring many of us together, and even form the language of intimacy that we use to grow emotionally close, it needs to be built upon a healthy relationship. We cannot mistake activity for achievement or conversation for construction. We need to ask the hard questions, to put each other first and build our relationships on a foundation of love.

About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

How To Grow A Bonsai Human

July 5, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

bonsai woman submissive in glass cage — via stock.adobe.com

One of the hottest things about being a top in a D/s dynamic is the moulding, shaping and training of another person in line with your will. Some young tops might come to a D/s relationship with an idea already in place of a perfect sub, a delicate pet who will never answer back, a slut who shall live to satisfy, or perhaps a submissive maid to follow all orders without hesitation. The young top has created an idea of what they think they want. This idea is more often informed by a diet of fantasy than the reality of each person being a fully formed individual with needs and wants of their own.

We need to approach prospective partners with an open mind. We need to see them for who they are as well as who they could be, not what we want to pretend they are or could be.

You have to be honest with yourself about what you need in a submissive partner. That self exploration of need has to take place before you start expecting anyone to live up to what you have imagined. We must know the difference between what we need from a partner, what we want in a relationship and what is pure fantasy. Need is that which we must have to be satisfied in a relationship, want is that which makes a relationship fun and fantasy are those things that we can indulge in at times.

The art and philosophy of Bonsai

In a D/s relationship we don’t have to find a 100% perfect fit (in fact I don’t think you could find that in any relationship), because we have the option of training a person. However, there is only so far out of someone’s normal course that you can take a person without risking breaking them. Think of it like shaping a branch on a bonsai tree, the bend must happen slowly along its length, wired into place and then allowed to grow into the shape. Trying to twist a branch 120 degrees at the trunk will only damage the branch, and maybe even cause it to snap. Patience is a must! Find a person who is at least parallel enough to your desires that you can tend them, grow them into your shape and know that it is a shape they will enjoy. If someone’s desire is to be in a DLG relationship, but you want someone who will be kept like a pet then you have a sharp divergence at the very beginning of the relationship. Perhaps over time the two of you will be able to grow together, but it is going to take a lot of time, communication and trust.

Once a D/s relationship has begun to grow we have to tend it, to help it take the shape we have planned for it. The thing to always remember is that the two of you are on the same team. The top might be setting the destination and driving the car, but you are both on the journey and want to get to the destination together.

Trust is about more than just your submissive partner trusting you to have their best interests at heart. It is the trust that you will keep your word, that they will receive the reward or punishment you say. That you won’t forget their limit, or fantasy. Sometimes it is the trust that the top is doing something because they genuinely enjoy it. There is no need to ask me if it was good for me, I wouldn’t be doing it if it wasn’t.

Pen to paper

There is a great deal of information to remember, and a great deal of value in the small things, especially at the beginning of a relationship. One of my top tips is to keep notes. I still do to this day, I call it my dossier. Often it will start with a yes/no/maybe list, followed by a record of any comments or experiences I believe might be of value. No one has a perfect memory so write things down, review them later. Do not be afraid of asking direct questions, ask them about their fantasies. Things they have always wanted to do but have never done. What you are looking for here is commonality of interest. Do they look for the release of not being responsible, do they have guilt over their desires and want to be forced to do something they will enjoy? All of this information will build up into an invaluable record for you.

My partner knows that I keep a written record, she finds it both comforting and concerning. Comforting because it is such a clear indication of the care I take and the seriousness with which I treat the growth of our relationship. Concerning because she knows I won’t ever forget anything, good or bad.

Don’t say it, do it!

If you say you will do something, as a reward, or consequence, they must believe it and you must mean it. If you fail to follow through then you are simply proving that you are a fantasist. Your threats cannot be believed, your promises are undelivered, everything you say is called into doubt.

In the early stages it is extremely important that you prove that you mean what you say. Make sure to carry through on threats as much as you will fulfil fantasies that they never thought they would have fulfilled. If you threaten to pull over and make them walk home then be prepared to do it.

The difference between punishment and play must be clear at all times. Punishments are very straight forward 100 blows for any infraction that I judge worthy of a punishment. She must also recognise and accept the punishment and the reason for it.

If you are playing then make sure they know it is because you are enjoying it. I will often remind my partner that I am hitting her because I enjoy it, she isn’t bad and she doesn’t deserve it. I can own my sadism, I don’t need to pretend it is my partner’s responsibility.

If you are declaring that you can provide the solid foundation for someone else to build upon then you must be that solid foundation, in all ways. We must know ourselves and be entirely true in our will. Any doubts in our mind, or theirs, will echo over and over.

We have ways of making you talk

Communication, communication and more communication. The Top must create the safe space for communication, but in return the bottom must be communicative. We are willing to take on all the responsibility for their care and development but we need as accurate information as possible from them in return. In a D/s dynamic we are both vulnerable in deeply personal ways. We ask our partners to trust us, and we must trust them in return.

We need them to tell us they like something, to be brave enough to admit a desire or dislike. All we need is that pure data once, and after that we can be the brute who forces them, the pervert who makes them bow to our desires. That is why we must trust them, to tell us the truth so we can take the power from them safely.

Her obligation is to me, and only in exceptional circumstances to others. I do not wish to degrade that which attracted me to her in the first place. I would never want to break someone. Build them, grow them, shape them, yes, but break them, degrade them, hurt them, no.

I find it deeply erotic to have control over another person but that means I want someone who gives up that control to me, reveals their darkest fantasies, shares their vulnerabilities. I want her wild and full of confidence, but with the click of my fingers I want her to obey. I want an obedient pet, not a broken victim.

How Do You Keep Hurting The Person You Love?

April 11, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

There is a most unusual phenomenon I have noticed in kinky relationships that have gone on for a little while, especially in sadist/masochists relationships. There is an almost inextricable decline in the intensity of play. While there is an almost inevitable waning of what is often referred to as “new relationship energy” in all relationships as they go on it seems far more pronounced in relationships which are so very driven by the energy of those involved.

Where scenes once might have gone on for hours, with the sadist going through multiple tools and the bottom exploring ever greater heights of sensation, now they last half an hour and consist of the one flogger that the bottom likes and the sadist is comfortable using. Rather than 5 course, exotic meals that we have both dressed up for and booked months in advance we are now having takeout in our pyjamas. There is a place for both of these types of meals in a relationship, but not always the same one with never any variation.

These quick scenes, with some tears, some pain, some fear, some of everything we need, they do work. They keep us ticking over, but I feel that we are missing the thrill that used to be there, the thrill of trying something more, something new, with someone we trust. However chasing that thrill should be tempered with a touch of fear, but, as with all fear, it needs to be understood, managed and used productively.

The fear that keeps us careful can also paralyse us, it can leave us sticking to what we know and feel comfortable with. It is the fear of messing up (I won’t say it is the fear of hurting our partner, after all that is exactly what we want to be doing), the fear of doing it wrong. I am not scared of hitting her with a cane, I am scared of hitting her in the wrong place with a cane. If we become too scared of making a mistake then of course we shall restrict ourselves to those things that we know work and we can do most safely.

There is a danger of falling into patterns, playing it too safe, when a big part of the thrill is taking risk. The important thing is not to stop taking risks, just to keep doing it carefully and as partners.

Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) is not about never making a mistake, it is not about getting every scene perfect, it is not about landing each cane strike in just the right place, it is about two grown adults agreeing to take a journey together. That journey will have highs and lows, but what is important is that the two of you are making the choice to keep taking risks together. Even in relationships where there is a disparity of power the steps of this journey need to be taken together, regardless of if one is crawling on their knees.

We have to believe our partners when they say they want to take risks with us. They can support us by reassuring and comforting us when things do go wrong, and tell us when things go well. While we tops bare the greater responsibility of care, especially directly after something goes wrong, we still need feedback, we need affirmation, and in a relationship we should not be afraid to ask for these things, especially if it makes us better at what we both want. Our relationships might be intentionally one sided, but if we let the underlying needs of either party go wanting then we need to re-examine what we are prioritising.

We can overcome the fear of making a mistake, the social conditioning shouting at us not to do what we both enjoy, all for the love of our partner. We have to show the same trust in them as they have in us. They trust us to lead them, and we have to trust that they want to go to the destination with us. As a partnership we can overcome anything and both be evermore the people we want to be.

About the Author

Who Let The Dogs Out?

March 1, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

Who do you blame when a dog escapes from a garden? The dog? Perhaps it burrowed under the fence, ran amok for the day while you are at work? Where do you direct your anger upon returning home, discovering mud tracked through the house, feathers from a pilfered bedroom pillow spilt over the living room?

Do you blame the dog for following its nature, or yourself for not taking care of the hole that has slowly been growing? We could have checked the fence, filled in the hole then provided the dog with more toys to play with in the garden to distract it’s instincts.

Day after day the dog worked diligently on its escape, digging under the fence, it did not do so because it hates you, or even understands the purpose of the fence and wished to thwart it, the dog dug because it is in its nature.

The animal is doing what it does with little thought beyond the actions at hand. However, we, as humans, have the ability to examine the evidence; muddy paws, a growing hole in the lawn by the fence, and deduce a likely cause and outcome. An animal would do nothing about it because it is not a problem for the now, the human however can act because they can understand the future.

We are all werewolves.

Within us all there are two natures, the animal and the human. The animal is the part of us that responds to those base instincts, it is what makes us run from what scares us, but also what encourages us to lie in bed all day. The animal is simple, quick to react, slow to think. This is wonderful when it works well, it speaks to us on an instinctual level, picking up on things that take our thinking brain far too long to process. However, it also responds too quickly, dealing with the wants of now without thinking about the needs of the future. If we are ruled by our animal nature then we can not plan well for the future, enraptured by the now as we would be.

We build fences to restrict the free roaming of the animal, to channel its energy in line with our human desires. The animal cannot be rationally argued with, thus we must build restrictions around it. This does not mean that we must be in conflict with it however. We can fill that space with toys to keep the animal entertained, we can bribe it with greater rewards if it can hold itself in check, we can communicate, but only ever as it’s master if we do not wish it to master us.

Every one of us has destructive instincts, drives which are geared more towards immediate satisfaction than the considered outcome. We each have a responsibility to strive towards a higher, ideal self. First we must set these fences within our own minds, and be sure of their security before we try setting them for others.

The high handed enemy.

Each relationship is unique and carries with it different expectations of, or limitations upon, each party involved. While most shall fall into broad categories of monogamous or polyamorous, open or closed, even within those you shall have nuances, do’s and don’ts which those involved have negotiated. It is the responsibility of both to be mindful and equal in not just the setting of these expectations, but also in their execution.

However we find that this equality of responsibility and expectation falls away when the fundamental underpinnings of the relationship rest upon an inequality of both parties. It is here where the roles of animal and human are split between the two members of the relationship. The bottom in the relationship gives over the rights of planning to the top, they replace it rather with their obedience. The Top in turn must set the boundaries and expectations of the relationship. We Tops in a sense become superhuman by the absorption of this extra power from our bottoms, while they, in turn, are given over more freely to the animal nature within us all. This can only ever be done if it is truly what both involved want.

The Top takes on a terrible responsibility at this point, of not only setting the boundaries of the relationship but also making sure that both parties are content with where they lie. The Top is also responsible for the maintenance of those fences.

If our partners are straining against the boundaries that we have set in place we need to respond to that in the same way we would if a dog has started to dig a hole. Boundaries are being tested, that is okay! It should even be expected, what is important is that we reset those boundaries, shore them up, fill in the hole. Once we know those fences are secure we can turn to look at the cause of the straining. Does our pet need more toys, is it just bored, or does it need a greater freedom?

We should never be angry when boundaries are tested, even broken. Our partner is acting like the animal they are, and within the structure of our relationship it is agreed that we shall be the controlling, thinking party and they the animal. They have sacrificed part of that human nature, that active critical thinking, to us in the exchange of power that is integral to the D/s relationship.

Within a D/s relationship the Top sets the boundaries and because of this is also responsible for maintaining said boundaries. If our partners follow their animal natures and run amok we should first look to the fences, then to their training.

About the Author

The importance of begging

February 2, 2020 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

Begging you

There is an undeniable rush when someone is kneeling before you. A steady flow of begging, pleading, beseeching tumbling from their lips. Great, big, imploring eyes looking up at you helplessly.

But none of this matters if it isn’t real!

I want to see genuine fear, regret and helplessness mixed on that face. I want them to mean it when they beg me, not play act, not pretend, it must be earnest. They need to know that they had better mean every, single, pathetic word if they want to have any hope.

Begging is not a cute manipulation, a coy way of getting what they want. Begging is the final step in the total abasement of self and acceptance of one’s own pitiful helplessness.

Riding high, when I was king

There is a weight of cultural history behind the idea of begging. It carries with it a far greater impact than asking, requesting, petitioning… all of these are forms of imploring which allows the supplicant to retain some dignity, not so with begging. To beg is to identify oneself as absolutely without power, entirely unable to achieve the desired outcome without the help of the one we are beseeching.

We associate begging with the lowest, the most helpless, the image of a peasant before the King. Begging never happens when standing, and certainly not while looking someone in the eye. Begging should not just be an expression of helplessness but also a physical representation of it. In the same way that a dog will bare its throat in surrender, begging should have some human parallel.

The most common position we might find across cultures and time is that of kneeling with the head down. Being lower, unable to move save for an awkward shuffling, unable to see those we are talking to. By matching actions to words we emphasise the true helplessness of the supplicant.

Now we understand how it should look, and why, we can examine the deeper meaning when genuinely begging.

Put your loving hand out

Commanding someone with the phrase “Beg me!” says a number of things beyond just “Get on your knees and ask!”. The first message is that whatever form the request has taken so far is insufficient. It is possible that some bottoms can develop a sense of entitlement and no longer fully appreciate that a request is not enough. They must never forget that whatever they may be granted is at your sufferance.

My partner has to ask to sit on the sofa, and sometimes I do not let her. If I always let her then the ritual of asking loses all meaning, it is simply a pointless step, an action she has to go through that does not have an actual effect, the outcome is preordained. Not letting her sit on the sofa when she asks to is a reminder of my power and the fact that there is a value to the asking, and asking nicely. If I do not teach her that what she is asking for has a value then she will not be properly grateful when I grant her desire. It is this value that is important to us in the consideration of when it is time to make them beg.

I need you to understand

The greater the value we have attributed to a request the more they must pay. In a D/s dynamic the top controls more than the bottom, owns more, has more rights. The top sets the market rate because they control the market. The bottom can only enter as a consumer, they have less control, own less, have less rights. There is an economic relationship here that we can exploit as the top.

The currency of the transaction that is taking place when begging is dignity. The one who is begging is sacrificing more and more dignity in exchange for the desired boon. They abase themselves before us, but they cannot, and will not, do so unceasingly. For begging to be a valuable lesson we have to be the ones to bring it to an end.

There is no safe word to end begging, so the only recourse to the bottom is to beg more or to give up. We do not want them to give up, rarely does that end well, often it ends with them feeling shit. They have failed to please us and they have failed to achieve their objective. There is no lesson learnt there, just disappointment.

We do not want them to feel that they have humbled themselves for no reason. Once they have called it off, decided they can go no lower we cannot then accept their debasement, then it would be too late. We have to carefully judge when they are at their lowest point and then end it. Our objective is not resentment but rather gratitude.

If we want to encourage this self-degradation then we have to show that it is worthwhile. We cannot grind them into the dirt, force them to beg and beg, and then not rewards that, not give it a value. If we want to encourage an acceptance of their degraded state of existence then we need to provide a positive reinforcement. We need to positively encourage the contradictory correlation between helplessness and gain.

We are teaching them a pattern of behaviour and an acceptance of this method of interaction, as such there must be the reward.

I don’t want to lose you

We set the value of a thing by dictating how much must be given up to satisfy us. It is on us to carefully price what our bottoms are hoping to gain. They need to work for it, but it has to be within their grasp, if they just beg a little harder this time.

If there is something they truly want but they need permission or help to achieve then they need to learn that it can only be achieved by satisfying our desire for their total submission. It is important that they become comfortable with begging, it can take a while to overcome the social taboos in place and break through the barriers of pride. We can make this easier for them by gradually acclimatising them to it. In the same way that a subscription service has a high value low barrier to entry which slowly changes over time we can gently ratchet up the intensity of the begging needed from out bottoms.

When we become accustomed to having something and are use to paying for it then it is easy for the price to slowly increase without us even noticing. Before we know it we can be paying far more than we realised for exactly the same thing. My partner is used to a number of things, she is also very use to having to ask for them, so if she has to ask a little harder this time it isn’t as much of a shock. Bit by bit she will need to try harder, ask nicer, plead more, until that which use to be received with a simple “May I Sir?” is now only granted after the most desperate begging.

They must become use to being helpless, to being weak, to begging their kind and merciful owner for even the smallest thing…and they must be grateful for it.

About the Author

Know Them By Their Deeds

December 8, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

There is an undeniable power of reputation on the scene. We judge people not just on their appearance, skills and huge collection of toys, but also their reputation. What do people say, what stories have they heard, have they performed at an event, given a demo?

Some of us will seek out a play partner entirely based upon their reputation. If you are chatting to friends who like a particular type of play they might well share an experience they have had with someone, who you then might wish to track down in order to replicate the experience. Some might even go so far as to offer to introduce you if you ask. In some cases the exact opposite might happen, and you will be warned off of someone who is on the scene.

There is of course a risk to this judging by reputation. The phrase “No smoke without fire” comes to mind, a phrase I have never trusted. There is too great a risk to hearing one side of a bad break-up, one scene that went wrong, one misunderstanding. However, lots of independent, consistent accounts is a very different story.

We contribute to someone’s standing in a myriad of ways. Friending them online, attending their workshops, liking their pictures. It can be a difficult line to walk, that of not judging without cause while also not abdicating responsibility.

Rather than setting ourselves hard and fast rules we might be better served by a shared philosophy of care.

Eyes up, guardian!

Each subset of the scene may well have their particular version of this phrase, but allow me to share this one from the rope community:

“I don’t trust an “experienced“ rigger who only ties with new models.”

It is a simple statement, but it is worth exploring. It may well be a phrase whose underlying philosophy could be adopted by the wider community.

First let us see who it excludes from the statement.

It encourages no prejudice against those many riggers who are just starting out, regardless of age. Just because some of us are older it does not mean we are experienced and conversely being younger is not synonymous with being inexperienced. I have met some wonderful people in later life enthusiastically exploring rope bondage for the first time, as well as those in their early 20’s who have developed excellent rope skills through dedicated study and practice.

It does however highlight the concept of the “experienced” rigger, someone who has been tying for an extended period of time. Certainly long enough to be expected to have a solid grasp of the ropes.

We then have the suggestion that they tie with new models. This is not a terrible thing, someone has to tie the newbies after all. The concern entirely stems from the idea of it being ONLY new models that they tie with.

Taken all together this is the warning, if someone who should know what they are doing is only ever tying with people who are new to the scene then why is that the case? If an individual can only ever find partners from among the inexperienced then is there a reason?

To catch a predator.

It is commonly understood that there are predators on the scene, with various predilections. We are also aware that it is when people first enter the scene that they are often at their most vulnerable.

I believe that we all have a responsibility to protect our scene and those entering it. There are a number of ways we can do this.

One of the most effective methods of educating new people I find is to lead by example. If someone wants to play with you first tell them to get references, tell them to ask people about you. Teach them that if you want to know what someone is like then ask multiple people who have been on the local scene for a while about them.

Tell them to attend public events, not to play with people straight away, and to be aware of anyone that reacts negatively to being asked for references. Then make them do that with you as well.

Try to impress upon them that having lots of friends online and likes on pictures is not the same as vouches. There are people here in the UK who have thousands of followers, most of them from the USA, while multiple local venues have banned that person from attending their events. What would you take away from that?

We cannot warn someone about every danger that might be out there, but we can try to encourage them to be informed. There is information available, we just have to encourage people to learn how to find it.

Friends don’t let friends play without a net!

People should build good habits and no one should be offended by people practicing those habits. Just because you have never done anything bad, and no one has said you have, it doesn’t mean people shouldn’t take precautions around you. Ask people if they have set up a safe call with a friend, and if not then make them! Refuse to play until you know they have learnt how to protect themselves.

Take responsibility for them as well as yourself. Remember, you never want to be the reason they don’t trust people on the scene. If anything you want to be the reason that something bad never happens to them.

Danger Will Robinson, Danger!

While some of us might be well positioned to teach people how to be aware, and may even be in a place to actively provide information, not all of us are. However, we can do our best to be informed ourselves and act appropriately.

To invite someone to a party multiple times, to rent them your venue, to hire them as a photographer, to invite them to teach a class, all of these are ways that we very publicly vouch for a person. However we can also vouch for someone in quieter ways, one of the most obvious way is by being their friend on social media, liking their pictures, engaging with them in an affirming manner, even without saying a word.

If there is one thing I am encouraging here then it is weariness. Take your time, don’t rush into a scene, don’t play with someone straight away. This is meant for tops as well as bottoms. We all have a responsibility here, to learn good habits, to teach good habits and to practice good habits.

As a carpenter might say “Measure twice, act once.” we might say “Think twice, act once.”

About the Author

Obedience vs. Understanding

November 10, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

My girl has the same set bedtime ritual; place clothes in laundry basket, remove make-up, wash face, brush teeth, crawl on her knees to the bed, have a chain padlocked onto her collar for the night…You know, normal bedtime stuff.

Over the length of our relationship more and more rules have been brought into our ongoing dynamic. The rules started with small things, easy to remember instructions, uncomplicated. Everything was designed for her to be easy to follow. The objective with setting her rules was not for them to be challenging, it was never to set her objectives that she would fail to achieve. The reason for setting simple rules was to help her get use to obeying.

By giving her simple instructions that she could easily follow I had lots of excuses to reward her. This was the first step in building the positive reinforcement pattern which made her look forwards to receiving new rules and following them.

Obedience is not enough.

The training of compliance falls into a number of specific steps.

First is the rule, that is for us to create. What do we wish to achieve, and how do we want it to be achieved?

Next we have to communicate the rule. There is an entire art to this as well, it is important that however we introduce the rule we are certain we have explained it clearly and there is no misunderstanding in what we are expecting of them. Any vaguity at this point shall certainly come back to haunt us. If they fail to follow a rule and achieve our objective because they did not understand then that is on us, not them.

Now we come to what I consider the optional steps, first I shall explain them, then I shall explain why I think they can eventually be done away with and why I think it worth doing so.

Once a rule is explained it is almost inevitable that we shall be asked why there is a new rule. This can be explained in a positive, negative or neutral manner. Positive explanations take the form of: I enjoy this and I want more of it, I like it when you do this so I want it to become a pattern of behaviour. Negative explanations can often be expressed as a dissatisfaction: I have noticed you have been doing something I don’t approve of, I don’t like it when you do this so you won’t any more. Neutral take no stance, it is often more experimental: I want to try doing this, I want to see how this rule effects us.

Which even method of explanation you choose to use the end of the explanation should always include the objective. The objective is the justification of the rule. Your partner should be able understand how once the objective is achieved it will be a positive thing for your relationship. This helps them to become invested in the new rule.

Once the rule is understood and both parties are invested in following it there is the positive reinforcement of rewarding adherence to the rule. These rewards can be achievement based, something to strive for and to keep them going through any difficult parts of the new rule. You might choose to reward them throughout the period of their compliance. Small, regular rewards allow you to let them know that their obedience is recognised and valued.

Achievement of the rule normally takes two major forms, either to turn a rule into an unconscious habit so that it is followed without the need for constant maintenance or to achieve a very particular objective, a one off behaviour perhaps.

But why?

It is normal to question orders when we first receive them. We want to know why we are doing something, what purpose is there to it, why should we do it? This is even more the case if the new order changes our normal pattern of behaviour, or is challenging to achieve.

As I first started to introduce new rules into my girls day to day life I would spend time explaining the reason for each of the rules. I would talk through the reasoning of the rule, the objective, even the ramifications for failing. Sometimes I would indulge my sadistic nature and give her a very practical demonstration of the punishment that awaited her in case she even considered not obeying my rule.

Over time I would give her less reasons, I would simply tell her what the rule was, and why I wanted her to follow it. Until finally I would just tell her what I expected of her. When she would question me as to the reasons for a new rule rather than explain I would ask her “Do you need to understand to obey?” and she would agree that she didn’t need to. I would simply restate the rule, and make sure she understood what was expected.

Obedience is its own reward.

In the same way that the explanations would start to fall away as she grew more comfortable with receiving new rules so did the rewards. Rather than persistently providing positive reinforcement throughout the time of a new rule settling in to a pattern of behaviour I would rather only reward her intermittently. I would make a point of sometimes holding her against a wall and just telling her how proud I was of her, how she was a good girl, how she pleased me.

However these moments of positive emotional reinforcement are not tied to specific actions of hers, but rather her ongoing obedience and following of rules, old and new. By not tying these moments to specific actions it rather connects positivity to having rules at all.

If someone is only following a rule because they want the reward at the end of it then the rules are only a chore to get through before getting what they really want. Training has focused on helping my partner to find satisfaction in obedience, not in rewards. If she enjoys following orders and achieving my objectives then any new rule is welcomed as another chance to derive satisfaction from obedience. Rather than trying to follow rules because she wants a reward, she wants to follow a rule because it feels good to follow rules.

Obedience does not require understanding or rewards.

By shifting her attention from why she is obeying to just obeying she can focus on that, without any distractions of independent thought. Having her rewards be more about a sense of satisfaction and emotional affirmation she is not chasing a reward but rather is able to find comfort in her ongoing obedience.

She does not need to to understand to be satisfied in her obedience. Her satisfaction comes from obedience, not understanding. She does not need a grand reward to feel her obedience is valued. Her satisfaction comes from obedience, not rewards.

I recently asked my partner why she crawls into bed every night. She looked a little puzzled and offered the answer of “It reminds me of my place? Maybe? I don’t really know, I hadn’t thought about why.”

My girl obeys without understanding, and that satisfies us both.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Brat Attack

October 26, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

My partner can be a bit of a brat. She talks back, gives grief, teases, pokes, but only to her friends, and certainly not with me. Oh no! She certainly isn’t a brat with me. She has learnt not to do that.

Some of our kinky friends will look plaintively at me when she is ripping them a new one, seeking some sort of dominant solidarity, imploring me to make her stop, others will even give me the open mouthed gasp of indignation and shock that I would let my girl treat them so rudely. Unfortunately they almost inevitably get the same response, her submission to me does not make her a doormat for every top. Especially as I know that with a single word, a look, or a click of my fingers, she will rush over, eyes down and do whatever she is told.

While at a casual social event with friends she might be laughing and teasing, the opposite is quite the case at an event with standing protocols. She will be polite, obedient and desperate to please. It is because I know this, and I know the power of our dynamic that I don’t need to prove it to everyone around us by stopping her from having fun in every situation to make a point.

D/s dynamics have an inherent power imbalance. This intentional mismatch of control can vary wildly dependent on the individuals involved. For some the relationship exists within a very confined space or time. Perhaps you only call her Mistress in the bedroom, or maybe only when you have put aside some special time for the two (or more) of you. For some this power imbalance goes on to underpin their relationship where they may find it helps them find a depth of trust and care they would otherwise not have.

Obligations of ownership

I have a guiding principle when it comes to my thoughts on intense D/s and that is simply that I take very good care of my property. If I like something enough to want to own it, to put it on display, to keep it in my house, then I shall certainly take care of it. I also expect other people to respect my property.

My partner and I find our relationship has deepened as our dynamic has deepened. Within the extremes of our consensual inequality we have reached a point of ownership. This level of control also carries with it the obligations of ownership. As her power has reduced in our relationship so has my responsibility grown.

We both derive a great deal of satisfaction from this state of affairs. I enjoy, and even derive comfort from, being able to control my environment in a range of ways. My partner finds being able to just focus on following instructions and obeying helps her to relax and feel safe. These are just a few of the reasons that we find the owner and property dynamic works well for us.

There is also a very physical side to this concept of ownership. My partner is not allowed to make any long lasting change to her body or appearance without my permission, from tattoos to hair dye. Part of the imbalance of the relationship is that the opposite is not even considered, I don’t think it would ever occur to her to even suggest it. This physical ownership extends beyond just this restriction of her autonomy and into the realms of my practical dominion over her appearance. I may change her appearance, restrict her clothing choices, tattoo her, pierce her, etc…

The most extreme of these touched upon are probably tattoos or piercings. She already bares what she loving refers to as my mark, or brand, upon her thigh. In a few weeks time as a birthday present to myself, I am getting her (or should I say me) a vertical clitoral hood (VCH) piercing.

Starting to look serious

Does this sound extreme? Perhaps that is because it is and as such we take things seriously. My partner and I have discussed each of these evolving aspects of our relationship before taking things further. We have very active lines of communication with regular opportunities to raise any concerns either of us might have.

This has not come out of the blue either. It is a piercing she has been interested in for a while, but has never had the drive to actually make happen. I decided to take the control away from her and tell her I was going to get it done because I wanted to decorate her body. It was no longer her choice, or responsibility. This could only happen because over time she has learnt that she can trust me to take on that responsibility and give all factors due consideration.

Private lives in public

This is part of our relationship that we do not share with others. While we might play, perform or tie with others, the dynamic D/s ownership that underpins our relationship is just for us. Her submission to me in the form of such extreme ownership is very special to me, as such I would have very strong issues with anyone who would presume to engage her in this manner without my explicit consent.

Consider for a moment how it would feel if some stranger decided to impose their authority into your dynamic. Let us imagine for a moment that you have a set number of rules for your partner, things they are allowed and not allowed to do. The two of you have discussed each of the rules in advance of implementing them. You have agreed what is reasonable, what makes you both happy and how it will affect your relationship.

Now imagine you and your partner are at a play event. You are happily enjoying your dynamic and they are following all your rules, but then a stranger walks into the middle of your dynamic and declares there are a set of rules your bottom should also be following. These rules have not been discussed with your bottom, or with you. Do you try to ignore them, while they continue to shout at you about what your partner should and shouldn’t be doing? How long would you tolerate this behavior before looking for a dungeon monitor and having this blowhard thrown out?

Don’t touch my stuff

My feelings of ownership are simple, my girl belongs to me, no one else gets to tell her how to live, what to wear, or how to look. This is something we both refer to in a lighthearted manner as consensual chauvinism. No one else should be able to insert themselves into this dynamic without being actively invited into it.

In the same way that I would be enraged if a stranger interrupted a scene to give their opinion on how my partner should be behaving, I am genuinely angered by anything that restricts her freedoms without my permission. If she doesn’t even have the freedom to start with then she has less to sacrifice to me. How could I be happy with her non-consensual sacrifice of a freedom to a stranger?

When my partners rights, freedoms and opportunities are restricted by laws set by strangers our dynamic is violated. If my partner does not have full reproductive rights then my control over her has been limited, if my partner cannot earn as much as a male colleague then my financial dominance over her is damaged. If anyone, in any situation, exercises control over my property without my consent then it should not be surprising when I ask them to leave.

It is the freedoms she sacrifices to me that I value so greatly. I can enjoy exercising control over her, objectifying her, shaping her, and she can enjoy having that done to her, but only because we have both actively consented to this. Neither of us can enjoy the faceless repression of her rights, nor should we have to. My love for my partner, my property, does not have space in it for the uninvited inclusion of someone else’s rules.

I support my partner and her ongoing battle against institutional and societal repression. Only when she is truly free, equal and liberated can I full exercise my control in our consensual relationship to take those things away from her. After all, she is my property.

About the Author

Will Hunt

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