
This article is for all you fellow sadists out there. All of us who love to cause pain to others. Who bite our lip as we watch someone’s toes curl, face wince, tears run. Those of us who enjoy the screaming, begging and moaning of our partners.
This article is for all you fellow sadists who carefully plan your scenes. Who learn our partner’s limits and play just on the right side of them. Those of us who like to scare people when we haven’t even touched them…yet!
But above all this article is for you fellow sadists who have doubts, insecurities. Who have wondered if there was something wrong with us because of what we enjoy. Those of us who have questioned ourselves and if our kinks are okay.
Most of us learnt what sadism was long before we learnt about kink, and we learnt sadism was a negative thing; sadism is cruel, wicked, hateful even. To be a sadist is to derive sexual pleasure from the pain, suffering and humiliation of others. Most of us are raised to understand that to do any of these things to another person is a bad thing, and can only ever be a bad thing. There was no provision made for the possibility of a sexual, consensual connotation to sadism when we were learning about right and wrong.
Throughout our lives we develop our sexual identity: new kinks grow, old kinks fade, we lust for more types of play, we relax into roles, but rarely are we static in our kink identity.
I began exploring my kinks in my early 20’s. At first, as with most people, it was all about exploring, discovering what I enjoyed, and what various partners also enjoyed. Often there were just two of us involved. Two consenting adults exploring mentally and physically what we could derive pleasure from. This was relatively straightforward. I enjoyed tying people up, so I found people who enjoyed being tied up, simple!
Bondage seemed simple, I would restrain someone in some way, and then do something pleasurable to them. However, it then became complicated by those partners who wanted pain mixed with their pleasure. What made it even more difficult was the fact that I found myself enjoying causing that pain!
Suddenly I discovered that when I was causing someone pain a third person entered the room.
I discovered this third person quite by accident while exploring my sadism. I would be playing with someone, we would be exploring an element of sadism and often they would be asking for more. I would be wanting to do more, but then the third person would butt in and throw questions at me!
“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”
“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”
“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”
“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”
This third person gave voice to all the insecurities of someone new to the responsibilities of being a top. It was the voice of someone who had not been educated about the nuances of consent. It was the voice of my other self, the one that doubted me and even judged me.
At first I was angered by these intrusions. They interrupted my flow, made me second guess not just myself but also my partners. I wanted to ignore it, but the more I tried to ignore it the louder this third person got.
After ignoring it didn’t work I realised I had to engage with it and that is when I learnt the most important lesson: This voice can work for us, or against us.
We do want to approach sadism gently, for our sake and for the sake of others. When we first start to walk we are prone to falling over, it is the gate at the stairs, the hand that catches us, the sofa we cling on to, all of these are the things that stop us from hurting ourselves too much when we first start. We take things slowly because we are made to, we don’t know any better yet.
That voice, that third person, is a caring voice, it is encouraging us to stay safe, and by extension keep safe those who we are with. We do not need to treat it as an antagonist but there comes a time when we do have to be firm with it.
There is a time when we can walk, run, dance and the stair gate is now just in our way, the hand that once caught us is holding us back. We need to be able to turn to that third person and recognise that it has helped us, it has kept us from hurting ourselves, but in a firm voice we have to declare that we have outgrown it.
We can only be comfortable with who we are when we are able to reconcile with that voice, to tame it and take it inside. Let it become caution, not doubt, let it be experience, not questioning.
Grow with your third voice, learn from it, but also take control of it.
Sadism is not bad, hurting people is not bad, causing someone to scream is not bad, when we do it with fellow consenting adults! That is the mantra that eventually tamed my third voice. Everytime the old questions would come up I could now answer them.
“Are you sure she is actually enjoying it?”
Yes. I trust the person I am playing with, I trust that they have told me the truth. I know we went through her Yes/No/Maybe list.
“What if you hit too hard, or in the wrong place?”
Then I will apologise, I will make sure she is okay and I will try to be more careful. I will also practice more so that I don’t make the same mistake.
“Is it really okay to enjoy this?”
Yes. I am an adult playing with another adult. My responsibility is to us, and only us. I don’t need to justify what I enjoy to any outside element.
“Should she be enjoying this, maybe there is something wrong with her and I am taking advantage?”
No, I am not taking advantage. We have sought each other out because of a common interest and the fact that we reflect each other’s kinks.
I had to learn the answers to these questions and practice answering them every time they came up. Until the third person piped up less often, and finally not at all.
Satisfying that third person is what can let us focus on what is really important when being a sadist; the two people in the scene, you and your partner. Those questions are no longer a distraction, we know the answers and give them before the voice can even ask. The questions have become part of the mental checklist of care that we run through proactively before a scene.
We don’t fight the voice, rather we find what is valuable in it and make it a positive thing for us and our partners.
I am now grateful for the voice that expressed all those concerns. In fact I would be more concerned if I didn’t have them at the beginning. The fact that I had those doubts, those worries, reassures me if I ever think that having morals, caring about people, wanting good things for others, is incompatible with being a sadist.
I do not need to be perfect to be a good sadist, and I don’t need to be perfect to be a good person. I am imperfect and have lots to learn, but I have learnt that I can be a sadist and a good person.
So back to you my fellow sadists, you are good people who do “bad” things with others, and they love us for it. Be “bad, be “cruel”, be “wicked” and then give your play partner a great big hug after and feel good about it.
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
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