bdsm

Opinion: The roles that bind

October 12, 2015 By Simon Blaise 9 Comments

Why I feel a switch is more of a master than a master

The reason I’m writing this is to help those who have hit a wall and have finally stopped believing everyone who refers to them as such just because they typed it on a screen when creating a profile – but rather hears the quiet voice in their head that speaks only the truth that they can no longer ignore.

Mastery as a Verb (Not as a TPE, management of slaves, or anything else, just a verb)
As a verb, (which is the only definition I personally feel fits “Master” in the context of a kinkysexual lifestyle), is defined as:

1. To acquire complete knowledge or skill in an accomplishment, technique, or art.

2. gain control of; overcome.
synonyms: learn, become proficient in, know inside out, know (frontward and) backwards; pick up, grasp, understand; get the hang of

If one were to call themselves “Master”, they are saying they know something “inside out”. The only type of kinkysexual I have personally experienced that knows kink “inside out” is a switch.
If you believe you are a master who knows kink “inside and out” without ever bottoming, this article is not for you – yet, or perhaps ever. So you can stop reading now, but feel free to bookmark this if anything ever changes.

Moving on, I’ve bottomed to, and even served, leather masters now and again over the last 20 years and I found those who never switched knew the out very well, but not the inside – you can’t say anything to these people, just don’t return their calls and emails.
So how can we call a person who never bottomed “master” without quietly saying to ourselves “I’m just going to be polite and call that person master so as to avoid making any waves.” I don’t have an answer.

Mastery is Overcoming
To master something, one overcomes. If kink is the only thing in life you feel you have mastered, then this may be hard to understand.

What does a master who never bottoms overcome? Carpal-tunnel syndrome?

For someone who never bottoms, where is the fear? Where is the fear to overcome? Does one even know what the fear feels like when one never experiences giving up total control?

So in a sub-conclusion, a switch, by definition, has done the work that other masters in other disciplines must do to earn the title master. However, and ironically, switches do not usually claim the title master out of humility and desire to remain unchained to words. That is why I feel switches should be considered masters of kink.

Enslavement to Roles
If you are enslaved to a role, can you be a master or even a slave to another master? (That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.)

Thousands of years ago, it was written in a fantastic story book, also referred to as a “bible” by some: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

For me, I feel as a global kinkysexual community, we are becoming more and more enslaved to roles like top and bottom, dominant and submissive, and master and slave, that I have seen tend to hinder, not broaden, sexual experiences.

Roles in Relationships as Opposed to Play
You may have a default comfort in relationships like me. I’ve never had a relationship where I’m a submissive or slave because outside of the kink of submission itself to simply have mind blowing orgasms, it doesn’t make me happy or I haven’t found anyone who could inspire submission or surrender on a relationship level – until that happens, I will never really know, but since there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to submission or surrender, I will keep an open mind.

Actually, the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life were with kinkysexuals who refuse to adopt a role, but adopt and accept themselves, and do whatever the hell they feel like at the moment – now that’s dominating life and society’s nonsense in my opinion. Consequently, over the years, I have become more and more inspired to free myself of “role bondage” by these marvelous and powerful creatures who had no shackles to bare.

Is Mastery outside of Kink the same as Mastery in Kink?
In martial arts, a master has a long history of enduring pain, the physical pain when struck and the emotional pain of defeat when bested by their master over and over again. I know of no masters in martial arts who only kick others and never receive a kick themselves. And if you have a traditional martial arts training experience, you’re basically a slave without the sex and play.
In naval traditions, masters of a ship had to start out as midshipmen. They endured the humiliation and challenge of recruit training and service on a ship before becoming a master of their own ship.
The examples go on and on.

So that begs the question…why is being a master in kink any different?

The simple answer: It really isn’t. Why?

To top or bottom is more of an act than a role, like being a punching bag for your martial arts master and fellow students. However, many act as though both top and bottom are roles that bind because they think everyone else believes acts define us as human beings, when acts actually enrich us – and heaven forbid others think of us as not conforming to those standards in kink that keep us cool, palatable and acceptable.

What really happens is that the roles obfuscate the need for knowledge and awareness so as it cannot be obtained by a shackled mind. If you must have a role, I feel the best role in kink is “perpetual student” and when your white flogger has turned black over the years, you’ve become a master.

Effects of the Roles that Bind
I have met many who identify as one role and act outside of that role with guilt, turmoil, or shame. We would have a stronger community if we supported, not judged or exiled, other kinkysexuals who venture out beyond their initial programming no matter where it takes them in kink.

Conclusion
Again, if you’re happy and smiling in your role, keep up the good work. This is for those who are expanding beyond their initial roles and feel bad about it.

I’m not saying that there is no one who is a total slave in kink. I’m saying that if you suspect a role is what’s keeping you in a holding pattern, it’s time to ask yourself – “why isn’t kink making me smile anymore?”

We are human, which means we can be more than roles if we choose. There is not one right way, but many. Consequently, roles can sometimes fool us into thinking there is “one way” to be and “one way” to experience kink.

We need freedom to be human and environments that stifle freedom only hinder our evolution and growth towards a more loving and compassionate community. I hope this article adds to an environment of acceptance of those who are hard to accept by others and themselves.

*As for social masters in the communities out there who were covered because of their service to their community, that’s a whole other animal and not what I am addressing here. I know plenty of covered masters who get down in all sorts of ways according to what turns them on – and that’s awesome in my book.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Do you agree that a switch is more of a master of BDSM than a master? Have your say below…

Slave vs. submissive

October 12, 2015 By Baadmaster 17 Comments

Just go to any BDSM party and bring up the topic, slave vs. submissive (or bottom), and you will start the gazillionth debate on this topic. Join any Internet BDSM posting group and doubtless you will have your e-mail box chock full of mail whenever this topic is brought up. Since there are no hard and fast definitions of submissive and slave, much of what has been written falls into the “opinion” category. And in order to keep confusion to a minimum, I will use submissive as equivalent to “bottom.” (Could this be yet another article?!)

So why am I adding yet another opinion to the piles of verbiage that have already been compiled on this topic? I attempt, in Kink Weekly, to simplify much of what has heretofore been presented in an overly complicated way. And I think there is room for a more succinct view in the “slave vs. submissive” debate.

I think we can safely say that slave is not a higher version of submissive. There is no food chain or hierarchy here, no matter what you might have read. But they are not equivalent. So, then, what is the difference? I believe it is the mindset. And the most concise explanation I have found that illustrates the differences in mindset between the two is contained in the following two lines:

“Submissives need to be told what to do.
Slaves need to do what they are told “

These sixteen words can never replace the volumes already written on this subject; the topic is far too complex for such a simple resolution. But it does have a lot to recommend it from a philosophical standpoint. Let’s take a look at these two lines and see what revelations it holds within it.

The first line, “submissives need to be told what to do” implies that submissives need direction from the Dom/Domme. This fits right into our concept of “training”; the submissive is molded by the Dominant to please the Dominant. They might even need a lot of training – reward and punishment — simply to learn to obey. This is because the sub’s prime directive is not necessarily to obey; it is to please. If they can do that without obeying that is fine with most submissives. Remember, ‘bratty subs’ are still subs, after all!

The second line, “slaves need to do what they are told,” shows that the slave needs to obey – he/she is simply wired that way. That is their prime directive. There is no implication that they need to be molded in any way. They simply have an overwhelming need to obey. A “bratty slave” seems somewhat of an oxymoron and our two-line definition supports this view.

Many say the mindset for a sub and a slave are quite different. And this definition implies this view. But any time you try to distill the wisdom of many down to a couple of lines, you run the risk of oversimplifying. And I am taking that risk here. Still, I think that these two lines do illustrate the mental differences between submissive and slave in a uniquely perceptive way.

In the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which I am sure some of you have seen, the sub vs. slave debate is illustrated quite clearly. While Christian wanted a “slave” – he even offered Anastasia a “slave contract” – she was at most a submissive and likely not ready to be a “slave.”

The moral of this story is that a Dom/Domme should have a feel for whether a candidate is submissive or slave material. Because if he/she doesn’t, even a helicopter and a billion dollars won’t make someone into something they are not.

Next week we will be giving you BDSM play techniques for “Wax Play.” Enough theory (although you should know some), it is time for PLAY!!!

Do you agree with my definition of submissives versus slaves? Let me know what you think in the comments section.

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Negotiating a BDSM scene

October 12, 2015 By Jenn Masri 10 Comments

SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL – we hear this all the time, but what does it mean? I want to take this opportunity to discuss a portion of this, which is the ‘consensual’ portion. One way to make sure that what you’re doing is consensual is to negotiate.

Negotiating tends to get easier the more you do it. In addition, as you play you will learn more about yourself including more things you need to include when you negotiate a scene. (Negotiating a relationship or D/s dynamic is a whole separate article.) The conundrum is that while you want to cover important things when you negotiate, you also don’t want to negotiate the scene to death. Many scenes are about an exchange of energy and may include elements that the top/D-type doesn’t want to necessarily divulge to the bottom/s-type. This is true especially for players that know each other well, are regular play partners, or in a dynamic/relationship. The negotiation I’m focusing on is the “newbie negotiation”. Assuming you are fairly new to kink or new to your partner, or both. Below is an easy way to remember what should be covered and descriptions for each element.

As I have been teaching the BDSM 101 series I have gone over what should be covered (in general) when negotiating play almost every week. I decided to come up with an easy to remember acronym. They are not necessarily in order of importance, but I had to make it into a “word”!

Negotiation Acronym: S.M.A.S.H.T.

An easy way to remember the basic things that should be covered in a negotiation for play.

S – Safewords
M – Medical
A – Aftercare
S – Soft Limits
H – Hard Limits
T – Triggers

Safewords – sometimes it’s not enough to just agree that the typical “stoplight” system be used (note: if you are using other safewords and playing at a public club, be sure to inform a Dungeon Monitor). “Green” means it’s all good and you are enjoying what’s happening. Most people don’t actually shout “green”! Although that may be kinda funny! Usually giggles or moans are good indicators. “Red” is also pretty straightforward. It means you STOP. Stop whatever is happening and immediately check in with the bottom. I have found that people’s understanding or expectation of “yellow” can vary. It’s important to make sure you are on the same page. If the bottom expects the top to simply “lighten up” when they call yellow but the top assumes they should stop and check in (similar to a red with perhaps less urgency) – this may affect the bottoms head space. The bottom should tell the top during negotiation that, “if I call yellow it just means you’re going too hard but don’t stop and talk to me because it will interrupt my head space.”

Medical – not just obvious things like surgeries, joint issues, injuries, etc, but also things like asthma, blood sugar issues, or allergies. Allergies can be food related but also if they have any allergy to natural fiber, you may need to double think about the type of rope you’re using (if any) or if other toys have been stored with rope that can cause a reaction. Also, if there are animal allergies and you have toys made with any kind of fur, etc.

Aftercare – this varies from person to person and possibly scene to scene with the same person. Some people enjoy close snuggling or putting their head in the tops lap while others may need some time alone or to not be touched. (side note – even if they ask to be left alone they should always be somewhere that you can keep an eye on them) Always have water at the ready for both parties and food may be desired as well. If you know you need to eat right after, I suggest having something that you bring so that you are not relying on the club to have food once you’re done playing. Even just throwing a protein bar in your bag is a good back up.

Soft limits – this refers to limits that the bottom isn’t interested in or has concerns about, but are willing to try them or push. This may also include activities that the bottom knows they don’t like, however, is willing to do them from a place of service or submission.

Hard limits – limits that are a no go. Not happening. Nope.

Triggers – psychological or emotional responses that can affect the scene (usually negatively). These can be body positions, for example the bottom may be fine on a cross but if they are bent over furniture it makes them feel too vulnerable or exposed. It can also remind them of childhood punishments and cause a negative response. Verbal triggers, often in the use of humiliation and/or degradation play. The bottom may not be ok with any “negative” talk – only affirmations or positive feedback. They may also be ok with some types of humiliation but not others. For example sexual humiliation is ok but don’t call them anything negative in reference to their intelligence or weight. Certain implements can trigger someone. Perhaps as a child they were hit with a belt as punishment. For some they may seek out belts for impact due to this experience OR it may become a negative trigger/reminder. Particular parts of the body is something else to consider. You can have a bottom who is a heavy masochist that you can do almost anything to…..except don’t touch their feet! (for example) Maybe you have to stay away from face slapping due to it triggering memories of past abuse, or their stomach due to insecurities, etc.

All of the above should be discussed with concern for both parties. The top may have medical issues or triggers that the bottom should be aware of, both should be on the same page as far as safewords and limits, and the top may have their own requests for aftercare!

Also, make sure you understand the intention of the scene. I know two people that did a full negotiation – listed all the things they both liked – then as they began, realized they BOTH assumed they were the Top! Decide together if this is more of a casual, teaching scene. Perhaps one or both of you are looking for experience but not necessarily power exchange. Do you want it to have a certain energy? Energy of the scene isn’t always something you can control, and in my opinion it’s usually best when you don’t try to, however, if one person is looking for a very sensual energy and the other desires a more strict and disciplined energy that’s good to know up front.

You may need to add to this depending on the type of play or intensity of the scene – but this should cover all your basics.

I hope this helps!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here: http://www.akinkshrink.com/.

What do you think is important in negotiating a scene?

Erotica: Hund’s Rule

October 5, 2015 By Phi 2 Comments

They’d been skirting around it for well over a year. The sexual tension had been growing between them, but the timing (as timing often is) had just been off. When they met, he was just out of a relationship. Then when he was ready she was in one. Then when she was out of it his mother had taken ill. Then when that had passed it was something, then another thing.
Through it all, they’d remained close friends. He felt drawn to her as she did to him. She’d watch him at play and it would terrify and intrigue her.

She’d joke, “For someone who says he’s not a sadist, you sure do play the role well.”

He’d shrug. “That’s what they want.”

She knew that she wouldn’t be enough for him. She was too green, too inexperienced, too tame to satisfy his needs. And the carousel of women…he never seemed to really get attached to any of them. They’d come and go from his life like bees on flowers. Hovering around for a bit and moving on to the next one.

So when she felt her lips go numb as she watched him with someone else, or when he pulled his shirt off over his head at the beach, or when he simply smiled that smile, her logic brain would kick in and shut it down.

It would never work.

He watched her more intently when she wasn’t paying attention. Her face in profile was already so beautiful, but when he’d catch sight of her looking directly at him with…those eyes…he couldn’t stand it. He’d drown himself in other distractions and convinced himself it was better for everyone.

He’d just broken up with Greta when they’d met. It took him so long to get over that betrayal that he’d built a wall around his heart – a wall of charm and wit and strength and absolutely no trace of vulnerability.Except when she looked at him. He couldn’t hide it then, and though she never acknowledged it out loud, he thought for sure she could sense it. She was kind that way.

Too kind. Too good. Too pure. He didn’t deserve her light. She didn’t deserve his darkness.

The night of her bad scene, she called him first. He dropped his date off at her car and made a beeline for her apartment, where he found her huddled on the floor by the sofa. The sight of her in such a state ignited a rage that burned to his very core.

“What happened? What did he do?”

“I …no, he didn’t,” suddenly she felt like she’d been overreacting.

He dropped down to his knees beside her and put his arm around her, pressing her face against his chest. “Please tell me what happened.” He closed his eyes, breathing deeply, trying to stay calm.

“I just…I wanted to be more….”, she sputtered through choked back sobs. “I wanted to be able to take more. So you could….” her voice trailed off as she realized how ridiculous it sounded.

He could feel his heartbeat echoing in his ears. So he could what? What was she talking about?

He pulled her into a tight hug and pulled her away so he could look at her tear stained face. Watery lashes and smeared mascara framed the deep hue of her eyes as she looked back. She was searching his face. For what?

He realized, he’d been searching hers. For what?

He leaned in and kissed her. Softly. After over a year, he’d finally the courage to do what he’d thought about doing since the moment he saw her – timid and wide-eyed at the dungeon party so long ago.

She sniffled. He’d kissed her. She wasn’t wrong. He felt something. But no, he needed it. How many times had she seen him with others. He needed to give the pain and she had tried tonight. Tried to be strong enough, but she couldn’t take it.

She looked away again, and her skin jolted when he placed a finger under her chin to lift it back up toward him. He was looking right at her. She’d seen flickers before, but he always masked them so well she thought them imagined. There it was. His passion. His desire. His vulnerability. She wanted him, so badly. She’d been wanting him the whole time. Gathering all the courage she could muster, she looked up at him one last time.

“Can you do this without having to hurt me?”

The question struck him to his core. The wall had shown her only one facet of his ability to connect with people. She thought him a sadist. She couldn’t possibly understand how very deeply that affected him. Or how very deeply she’d affected him. He stared at her lips, her eyes, her cheekbones. He took in the whole of her face and saw the beauty in her soul that she’d never tried to hide. He’d just been looking the other way.

Consciously he let down his guard. He’d risk it, for her. With tears welling up in his own dark eyes, he nodded gently, then asked, “Can you?”

Phi is an erotic fiction writer. Phi (pronounced “fee”) came into kink at early age and renewed her connection with the lifestyle in 2014 after a decade-long hiatus. A somewhat popular and undeniably avid blogger on fetlife.com under the name phi-is-me, phi lives in the suburb of a suburb in southern California with two cats and six pillows.

What is a master?

October 5, 2015 By Baadmaster 11 Comments

What exactly is a Master? (Or Mistress.) I have been asked this question so many times (almost as many times as slave vs. submissive!) that it demands an answer.

Only in the world of BDSM-D/s is the title “Master” self-anointed. A Master Electrician is one who is certified by a mobster-controlled union. A Master Auto Mechanic is one who is accredited by the ASE. (I said a Master Auto Mechanic, not an honest one!) To become a Karate Master you must win a black belt from a reputable Dojo (karate school). Only in BDSM can someone simply go online and instantly proclaim him or herself a Master! Until Kink Weekly offers a course for “BDSM Master” certification, I can only offer some guidelines as to what I believe a Master is.

A “Master” is a skilled, experienced and knowledgeable Dominant with the capability to own, train and command a slave or submissive. Even if one is a natural Dominant both in abilities and temperament, being a Master requires more than just that. I believe there is a list of things that a Master must know before he can call himself – and be called by others in the lifestyle – a “Master.” I will try to codify them. Since many people meet online – I think giving some guidelines as to what a Master is would be helpful. . Both for those who aspires to be a Master and for the slave or submissive who is looking for a Master.

A Master must have certain personal traits. Honesty, strength of character, the ability to communicate, the ability to inspire trust and respect, good judgment, self-control, patience, self-confidence tempered by dash of humility and a sense of humor are essential elements for a Master to possess. No one person can possess all of these traits. But a Master should have most of them and strive to work on those areas where he/she might be deficient. To be able to own, possess and control another person will require more than just proclaiming “you are mine.” This can work in a one-night stand; it will not work in a Master/slave relationship. Without these character traits, all the technical BDSM skills in the world will not a Master make.

Before I get into specifics, I would like to address two character traits I believe are critical to becoming a Master. One is “sense of humor.” I know it is fashionable for Doms to put on their “Dom face” and look as tough as possible. Even I wear sunglasses at night. And though a Master should not be cracking jokes like Louis C.K. (“This Dom walks into a dungeon…”) while training, scening with or when punishing a slave, a Master should still make the overall Master/slave experience fun. If a Master treats this whole process like an extension of the Inquisition, I believe that he/her will not be able to keep a slave for very long. Nor have much fun attempting it.

The other trait is being able to admit you made a mistake. Many Doms seem to think they cannot make – much less admit – a mistake. Everyone makes them. Everyone. There is no Doctrine of Dominant Infallibility. The ability to admit error, gracefully and without making excuses, is critical to the development of a Dom into a Master. Take this to the bank.

Now onto the technical requirements I feel one would need to get my accreditation as a BDSM Master, if such an accreditation existed.

One must be knowledgeable in BDSM and D/s. If there were a written test, it goes without saying that a Master would know every term in “Where Do I Begin, Part 1.” A Master should have read a lot about BDSM. (Amazon.com – search “bondage books.) The more you read, the more you know. And reading is still the best way to understand the mental dynamics of the Master/slave relationship – which is what a Master must have an understanding of.

Realtime experience is crucial. Even if one knows everything bookwise, he/she is still not a Master. I would think that some years experience in the lifestyle would be necessary. It has been said that the best Dominants have had experience as a submissive. This is open to debate. But what is not open to debate is that realtime BDSM and D/s experience is essential. It is one thing to know things theoretically – let’s say by extensive reading, online chatting, etc. – but there is nothing like “hands on” experience. (And in BDSM, “hands on” can be a lot of fun!)

A Master should have mastered (there is that word again!) many essential real time BDSM skills. At the very least, a Master should know proper and safe flogging-caning-cropping-paddling-spanking techniques, and know how to use most BDSM equipment (like the Saint Andrews Cross) safely and skillfully. A Master should know how to put a submissive into subspace and provide the proper aftercare. Although some Masters eschew public play, a Master should have gone to a bunch of play parties to get a feel for what others in the lifestyle are up to. Observing others at play parties – and joining local BDSM groups in your city and meeting others in the lifestyle – is the best way to learn these techniques.

I think a Master should have at least one specialty that he is truly an expert in. It might be fire play, breast bondage, wax play, caning, wielding a single tail whip, rope bondage, mummification, cupping, electric play or any one of a myriad of BDSM skills. (We will cover the how-to’s of most of these skills in future issues of Kink Weekly.) In this way, the Master not only earns respect from his/her peers, but can also teach these skills to others on their road to becoming a Master. Obviously, no one can be an expert in all areas. But a Master should strive to keep learning.

Finally, a Master should always practice safe sex and safe play. Keep in mind that becoming a Master is not a destination but a step in the BDSM journey. A fun journey.

Since we just covered the essential qualities a Master or Mistress should have, our next article in Kink Weekly will be “Submissive vs. Slave.” Between these two articles, you will start to grasp exactly what Masters and slaves are – and are not.

Do you agree with my definition of what a master is? Does it fit with the people you’ve met who describe themselves as masters or mistresses? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below.

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