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Integrity – the Key to Trust in Kink Relationships
Eve Marie shot by Danny Stygion
To reach the most potent depths of power-exchange requires the highest level of personal integrity.
Aspiring to the highest level of integrity is critical to deepening trust and connection with a partner. I define integrity as having the intention and commitment to be responsible, accountable, risk-aware, actively listening, transparent, honest, and present.
It means telling the truth, starting with what you want…and what you don’t. Unwavering respect of boundaries is critical in power-exchange dynamics.
Clear, transparent, and fair negotiation with your partners should be standard procedure. Knowing proper techniques, risk/safety factors for your style of engagement, and the toys or tools involved, goes without saying.
Encouragement, discussion, and compassionate support of your partner, as well as yourself, before and after scenes, is a golden practice.
Adhering to these types of practices and principles builds the foundation for an ongoing and deepening exploration. This level of safety and trust offers the possibility of engaging and sharing our most protected and vulnerable erotic depths with our partners.
While this can seem a complex effort overall, the fundamentals of consciously engaging and exploring your Eros with integrity are easy to develop and learn as a practice.
The most important aspect is to have the clear intention to aspire to the highest level of integrity.
Here are 4 Tips to up the integrity, trust, and connection level in your power- exchange engagements.
- Negotiate Thoroughly
The potential for misunderstandings, perceived or actual consent violations, resentment, mistrust, or emotional/physical harm are excessive when there has not been a clear negotiation. I would discourage ever engaging in D/s-BDSM with someone you just hooked-up with, or even your own partner, if you have not already come to complete, conscious agreement on all fronts before the scene begins.
The point is to feel empowered, connected, and exhilarated after engaging your deepest desires, not wounded or disconnected.
Start the negotiation with the intention to make a deep, heart-felt, human-to-human connection before you enter into any level of D/s-BDSM. The foundation for exploring these powerful depths of our sexual desires is trust, whether for a one-time scene or long-term connection. Each side needs to know they are ultimately cared for while revealing and expressing vulnerable and often scary parts of their sexual desire.
Conduct your negotiation in the most honest, transparent, and revealing manner possible. Be clear, direct, and thorough. All partners should share in full equality, voice, and advocacy for what they want and do not want at this stage of the journey.
- Intention, Pace, Trust
Be clear about intention. It is important to clarify your intentions, boundaries, and expectations beyond the initial encounter for yourself and your partner. If you want to enter the encounter as a one-off with no expectations afterwards, state that clearly right off the bat.
Make sure your partner understands your intention. Press for a direct response that they understand and agree.
Hold your boundaries firmly if a potential partner says they are looking for casual only, and you seek more, and vice versa.
Discuss clearly what may be involved in an initial engagement with your partner in terms of props, toys, roles, and intensities. Get clear about safe sex practices to maintain and sexual history.
Start slow and keep it simple if you are just beginning. Get clarity about options for what to do if something unexpected comes up during the engagement. This would include usage and agreement on safe-words.
Some issues that may arise as you engage may just need you to pause and check in with each other, and then continue. Others may require you to come to a complete stop, and check in about what has come up and/or what one or the other needs most in that moment.
Sometimes, even with clear negotiations, there are things that can present unexpectedly. The best thing to do in these situations is to breath, stay calm, shift to full compassion, and care for the partner needing support. These will likely be rare, if ever occurrences, with proper preparation. Furthermore, considering them in the initial negotiation builds trust, which will most likely reduce the likelihood of these occurrences even further.
- Understand and Allow the Paradox
The nature or essence of the dynamic in D/s-BDSM is power-exchange.
One takes control, one surrenders for an agreed upon time. This exchange is inevitably both sacred and profane in its nature. There is a noble (D/s) and a taboo (BDSM) context that is occurring simultaneously.
It is very important to understand the distinction between the two, and how both are engaged during a D/s-BDSM encounter.
Embracing either Dominant or submissive role in this kind of dynamic can bring one in touch with deep-seated instinctual, historical, mythic, and/or archetypal aspects of the collective human experience. These are mythic themes and sensibilities that have been part of human theater, epic mythical tales, and cultural cosmologies for thousands of years.
It is not just the physical sensations and sex that are compelling in D/s-BDSM. It is also the intoxication of the sacred ritual of regal power and devotional surrender, and the primal instincts of being devoured or ravaging another.
- Time and Space
I recommend you set aside a minimum of 2 hours to immerse yourselves in this compelling personification of your erotic nature.
You might find you could easily go 3 to 5 hours or more. Some scenes can be designed to go for an entire weekend or more.
Before you engage your partner, take time to prepare yourself by getting present, clear in intention, and embodied in whatever way works for you.
Take care in preparing the space you will engage in. Bring in ambiance of light, sound, texture, aromas, and all that sets the right tone for the way in which you and your partner wish to journey. Make this a sacred space, whatever that might mean to you.
Also, prepare in advance a good aftercare plan that includes access to emotional support if needed. This applies to both the dominant and submissive. Moving deeper into your authentic, sexual desires is an opportunity to both be empowered and to heal if these steps are followed.
In conclusion, the key to coming to terms with our sexuality and creating healthy power-exchange dynamics, is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably, and consciously, in a way that aligns with the integrity in our agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompasses our core values.
We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious concerning powerful, negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.
One short article cannot cover all the important considerations of exploring your Fetishsexuality or Kink desires, but I hope this gives you a starting point to launch your own journey into the depths of your sexuality, and aids you in building your dynamics.
About Galen Fous MTP
Kink-Positive Therapist, Author, Educator & Sex Researcher
Galen regularly speaks at universities, grad schools and conferences about sexuality and Kink. He offers AASECT and APA approved CE classes for therapists on various accredited online educational platforms. His research focuses on understanding the unconscious psychological dynamics of Kink, Fetish and D/s-BDSM sexuality. Galen Has a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology from ITP.
He works with clients within a Transpersonal psychology framework that helps individuals and couples get honest, shame-free and confident in expressing their authentic sexuality. Galen helps clients shift from compulsive, dishonest, risky sexual behaviors to negotiated, consensual authentic sexual practices. This framework includes resolving the embedded fear, shame and judgments entangling one’s desire.
An important component of his research into the nature of Fetishsexual and Kink desire is the development of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey. ( http://galenfous.com/pem ) This ground-breaking and ongoing research survey with over 4000 participants so far, is the first study that begins to document the mythic archetypal aspects of Fetishsexuality by mapping of the sexual unconscious.
Galen’s latest book, “Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires” has been praised by sexual psychologists and educators as “Visionary …Masterful …Groundbreaking …Cutting Edge…Worth its Weight in Diamonds … Highly Recommended…A Must Read!” He is also the author of “The Sharp Edge of Love – Extreme Sex, Mythic Passion, Primal Intensity. Learn more at http://galenfous.com
In 2000, he introduced the world renowned Tetruss Shibari Suspension-Bondage Rig, Portable Dungeon, and Sex Swing, the world’s most versatile adult toy. (http://Tetruss.com)
Setting the Scene
How to prepare for success and handle the occasional failure.
You’d be a foolish person to assume that your scene will go 100% perfect every time. Sometimes a partner’s headspace may not be in the right spot, maybe a toy breaks or you accidentally injure someone. These things happen and as responsible players, we know the risks associated with practicing BDSM. There are steps you can take to plan for the best case scenario and also some fail safes for when things go downhill.
Set the scene
Do you fancy a little romance? Maybe you prefer a more sterile environment? Put some effort into your play space. Lighting a few tea lights around the room can go a long way! Set out a few bottles of water and a snack for afterwards. Put on your favorite tunes. You don’t have to put out a bed of rose petals but thoroughly cleaning the room and adding a few touches will show your partner you’re serious about having a good time.
Take proper care of your toys
I don’t know about you, but I’ve seen some really old, nasty looking toys out and about at parties. I know these things can get expensive, but if your toys are stained, cracked, frayed, or any number of the things that happen over time, its time to get new ones! By cleaning and regularly maintaining your toys, you will increase the lifespan and be a hygienic player. This includes leather products like floggers and whips. These often get ignored in the cleaning process yet can harbor some of the yuckiest bacteria. Clean your toys!
When playing with locks or handcuffs, have an extra key!
You think this would be a no brainer but it’s very easy to misplace the key in the moment. There you are, dominating and flying high only to look a bit like a fumbling dope when it comes time to unlock your partner and the key is nowhere to be found! It’s happened to me, it’s happened to a few friends of mine, and it can happen to you! Keep a spare key nearby in the room in which you’re playing in addition to placing one in your pocket.
Pack a first aid kit
Very few Dom/mes I know actually carry a first aid kit. I’ve personally had to go ask a Dungeon Monitor for a bandaid once. Lesson learned! Carry a travel kit with your toy bag. At home, have a fully stocked, disaster made first aid kit handy. You’re purposely inflicting or receiving pain, sooner or later something may go wrong so best have these materials on hand as a just in case.
If you make a mistake or someone gets hurt, stay calm!
Don’t freak out, don’t ignore it, address the situation and if possible, move on. If someone does get injured in an unintentional way, acknowledge it. If they need medical attention, go get it! The embarrassment you may experience at the hospital explaining the injury is well worth it if it’s serious enough. You are two consenting adults and sometimes this happens.
Aftercare
Do aftercare. Here is a full article on it so I can spare you the lecture 😉
How do you set your scene? We’d love to hear about both your successes and failures along with how you handled the situation in the comments below!
anniebear is a submissive living in Los Angeles. She enjoys writing, modeling for friends, animal rescue, and teaching herself how to cook. You can catch her on Fetlife or Facebook.
Magnification
“Magnification.” Now, what do I mean by that? It is not a term you will find in any Kink Weekly article. At least I don’t think so. Truth be told, it is not a BDSM term at all. But, it can add a lot to your BDSM play. Let me explain.
What I imply by “magnification” is the process whereby a Dominant or submissive, by the use of selected pre-scene sequences, is able to amplify subsequent play experiences. The key is for the Dom/me to recognize – or the submissive to discuss – what specific actions increase sensitivity and receptivity. Let’s examine the “magnifying effects” of specific pre-scene techniques.
One magnifying sequence is the greeting ritual, where the submissive kneels and kisses the Dominant’s feet or boots. A similar one is the slave bowing his/her head. These rites can have the effect of both putting the sub into a more submissive state and energizing the Dominant. Thus, these formalities can “magnify” your play. It is easy to neglect incorporating pre-scene rituals into your scenes. But a knowledgeable Dom/me – or an experienced submissive – will jump at the opportunity to include any pre-scene concept, no matter how simple, that would make their play more enjoyable.
Another magnifier is BDSM equipment. Even though one can flog an unrestrained submissive just as hard on a bed, an equivalent beating can be a lot more effective when coupled with some bondage equipment. The apparatus doesn’t have to be sophisticated. I have known submissives whose “sub button” is pushed when nothing more than cuffs are put on their wrists. Others get into “pre-subspace” when they are restrained. You don’t have to own a St. Andrews Cross to magnify your scene; homemade wall hooks can be just as effective. Or just tie the bottom to the bedposts!
Being in a dungeon, or at a play party, can also be a great magnifier. I know a couple that is not into public play. But, according to the Dom, just watching others play puts his sub into an ultra-receptive mindset. When they get home, he is able to put her into subspace effortlessly. Any magnifier, whether it is participatory or voyeuristic, is worth including in your scenes. Of course, one of the most common “magnifiers” is dress. Whether latex, vinyl, boots, high heels or leather, the right outfit, as every Domme knows, can multiply the efficacy of their commands.
If you are not in a live-in situation, some BDSM texting before you go to the dungeon can make both of you hot with anticipation – thus magnifying the scene exponentially.
The key to finding the right “scene magnifier” is communication. In vanilla, we have to guess whether the oysters will put her/him “in the mood.” In BDSM, however, we can discuss what will make the scene more exciting before we attempt it. A pre-scene talk should include a chat about these magnifiers. You might discover that something as basic as a blindfold, a pair of handcuffs or a leather play collar can be just what the submissive needs to feel ultra-submissive – or put the Dominant into “Dom/me space.” Of course, trial-and-error also works. But, in this lifestyle, trial-and-error can be a lot of fun!
The bottom line, after you discover what pre-scene techniques amplify your play, is to incorporate them into your scenes. So, if you can double your fun with the same amount of effort, why not? After all, the object of BDSM is to have fun – so why not double it!
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
What’s Your Motivation?
What is your motivation for entering the BDSM community? I think for most people it’s a discovery of their inner kinkster – whether that’s a love for fetish, sadism and/or masochism, and/or power exchange. Those of us who seek like-minded people, education, and exploration into this world. For most of us this means venturing out to events in order to meet people and make new friends. Heading to classes about anything and everything we can find in order to absorb this new community full of new information.
Perhaps once we have made a few friends and found a handful of other people who may have a bit more experience in the scene, we venture out into the sea of parties that we have here in Southern California (or hopefully you have parties to attend where you live) to watch people play or try all the exciting shiny things. We learn, we grow, and we begin to discover more about ourselves.
Well. This article isn’t for all those people.
This article is to speak to all the people that breeze into our community with very different motivations. No, I’m not referring to those that come in, take a look around, and then decide it’s not really for them. The ones that think it looks exciting but realize quickly that they are content in their more vanilla lifestyle. That is understandable and ok – this community and way of life aren’t for everyone. At least they were willing to dip their toe in the water without (hopefully) passing judgement. Nope, this article is for the ones who come in with ridiculous expectations and/or sublime sensitivities.
I have witnessed and heard about two prominent examples of these things. Let’s start with the ridiculous expectations. The example of this that I see most often is a new person showing up to a party. They haven’t taken any classes and maybe gone to a munch or two. They hang out at the party – off on the sidelines – looking for their Cindy Crawford or Pierce Brosnan (insert hot model/ sexy/ cool actor type of your choice here) to waltz up to them and kneel before them or take them by the hair. This, of course, will be followed up by the most amazing scene ever and they will live happily-ever-after in BDSM paradise. When this doesn’t happen they get on Fetlife ranting about the party attendees and how none of them were “their idea of hotness” or if they were they were already taken. Well, guess what – that’s not how this works. Ultimately something these people would find out if they stayed in the scene long enough to discover it, is that we look beyond the external to the depths and connection we have with other people. Sadly (or not?) many of these folks disengage with the scene and reengage on vanilla hook up sites to do what they really came for and thought they could find here.
The other example is when people come in who are highly and easily offended. I have a recent example of this. A person, new to the scene, attended one of my Kinky Karaoke play parties. The party was high energy and full of fun! People were singing all night long – everything from Disney to heavy metal and from country to classic rock and everything in between. There was dancing, the Singing Masochist performances, and the rap battle. It was a really great night overall. The next day I received a message on Fetlife from someone who had attended the party who was highly offended because someone sang a song with offensive language and the singer wasn’t the right color to be singing those lyrics. (Yes I am admittedly paraphrasing.) This person was so offended by this that they felt unsafe in the scene and wouldn’t be attending any more of my events, etc. Really? The singer obviously wasn’t directing the lyrics at you and didn’t mean any offense by it. They were simply enjoying a karaoke party and singing the lyrics of a rap song. Guess what? This could be the same in any karaoke bar in any city anywhere. So basically this person was saying, “I’m not gonna explore any more of this community because my feelings were hurt.” What this says to me is that they weren’t interested in the bigger picture of what this community has to offer.
So please, if you are thinking about starting your exploration into the BDSM community – no matter where you live, take the time to attend classes and munches. Spend some time investing in real people and forming real connections before you pass judgement and leave. This scene is what you make of it.
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.
Marking in BDSM
“Marking,” in our lifestyle, is a very broad term. It can refer to the temporary marks of the cane, it might mean writing something like “Master’s Slave” with a Sharpie or it could mean a tattoo or brand of ownership. The technicalities of all three differ widely; but the implications of all of them are quite similar.
Temporary markings are usually caused by the use of a flogger, riding crop, cane, paddle or toy on the bare butt of the submissive. If your aim is to mark your submissive in this manner, remember that marks usually appear quite a bit later. Usually all you will see during the scene is a reddening of the skin. Thus, it takes skill to know when you have spanked enough to cause marks – as you will rarely see them appear right then and there.
The beauty of marks, as many submissives have stated, is that the emotive impact of the scene can stay with you for as long as the marks are there. They are physical and sensory reminders of the spanking. It is one thing to just recall a scene; but looking at the marks can actually trigger deeper memories of the scene. Besides being a trigger to relive or replay the scene in the submissive’s head, the marks can also be seen as a literal mark of submission. From the Dom/me’s point of view, marking can be a total turn-on. Just seeing their handiwork after a scene can reinforce all the hottest aspects of Dominance. Of course, there are those players where marks are no big deal and have little significance. There are no hard and fast rules; there is no one way to do BDSM. That said, for many there can be great significance attached to marking; some Tops will only mark a partner who is their collared submissive. No matter what, if you are marking your submissive in play, make sure you listen for his/her safe word. You might not have to go too hard — even a very light caning can cause marks. So, keep this in mind.
Another popular way of “marking” a submissive is with, duh, a marker! Writing phrases like “Master’s Property” or “Slut” with a Sharpie can add a lot to a scene. As there is no physical danger involved (unless the submissive is allergic to Sharpies, a very rare condition,) one must negotiate what areas might damage the submissive’s psyche. For example, she might object to “Whore,” so one should be aware of your submissive’s hard psychological limits.
When a couple takes the “Sharpie concept” to the tattoo level, that is where one must exercise caution. While we admit that a tattoo that proclaims the submissive to be “Master’s Property” to be very hot and powerful, most tattoo artists seem to concur that this is often the kiss of death for the relationship for some unfathomable reason. It might be that many choose an ownership tattoo to strengthen a D/s relationship that is going downhill. Whatever the reason, the following posting perfectly illustrates the “ownership tattoo” dilemma.
“Are you a Dominant male legally named Derrick? Beautiful
slave tattooed ‘Property of Derrick’ and now released, ISO
a new Master with same legal name. If interested, email…”
Whether real or fictional, it demonstrates the problem a slave tattoo can cause. Even with a laser, the removal process is far from foolproof. So, if you are deciding to mark your slave with a tattoo, make sure it is done for the right reasons. If it is done within a great Dom/sub relationship, it can raise it to an even higher level. If it is to salvage a deteriorating one, then it is likely to end at Dr. Tattoff’s.
Branding, which we have covered in greater detail in a previous Kink Weekly article, has bit more range than tattooing; there are temporary and permanent brands. Temporary brands are usually referred to as “surface burns.” A skillfully done surface burn will usually begin to fade within a few months; after a year, the most that will remain is a residual redness – depending upon the skin type.
Although there are those who get permanently branded just for the thrill of it, or masochists who like extreme pain, permanent branding is usually reserved for the most serious of D/s couples as a mark of ownership. It demands the highest level of trust — the submissive must have total trust in the Dom/me’s branding skill or judgment in choosing a brander. A permanent brand is even harder to remove than a tattoo. So, the same warnings apply to a permanent brand as to the tattoo.
No matter what markings you choose, from Sharpie to branding, remember that any of them can amplify the intensity of your scene or your relationship. None of them is superior to the other. I personally have never branded a slave; but I have chosen my slave’s tattoos and also marked mine during play. In the context of my BDSM relationship, that is ideal. So, just choose what works for you and your submissive — and your marks will be perfect!
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Bastinado: Foot Caning
As we noted in last week’s installment on fisting, we are kink weekly – thus we cover all aspects of debauchery. One kinky play – and one that has a very shallow learning curve while being incredibly effective – is the “bastinado.”
Bastinado was originally a Spanish word for the act of caning, in the literal sense of beating with a stick or similar implement. It is specifically used as a form of torture or corporal punishment, which consists of beating the soles of the offender’s bare feet with a hard object — like a cane, rod, a club, a piece of wood or a whip. The terror of the punishment lies not only in the severity of the blows, but also in its long continuation.
This torture — the literal Spanish torture as opposed to our BDSM play torture — is unusually effective due to the clustering of nerve endings in the feet and the structure of the foot, with its numerous small bones and tendons. Afterwards, the feet were often tied together or to a wooden plank and the victim would be made to walk around on his or her damaged feet, sometimes carrying weights. The wounds inflicted are particularly painful and take a long time to heal, a brutal result of a long bastinado session. Some point out that the prominent display of the offender’s damaged feet contains an element of punitive humiliation as well. But enough of the history lesson!
In our current version of the bastinado, we are using it for sensation play, training or consensual punishment – not to beat out a confession from a suspect. (Although that might be a creative role-play scenario!) Although bastinado is not difficult to master, it is not without some dangers. Make sure you agree on a safe word and a safe signal. Most importantly, the Top must know that you do not have to hit hard for maximum effect. A light tapping is usually the best way to go. That is painful enough. You can get more sadistic over time as you know your play partner.
I know that some people will simply tie the submissive down, remove his/her shoes and socks, restrain his/her feet and then start whipping his/her helpless soles. But if you want your bottom to be able to walk and not wind up in the E.R., why not go slowly at first? You do not have to go hard to “torture” your submissive. And for those of you who enjoy tickle torture, you can make use of all your skills tickling your bottom’s soles instead of a classic bastinado scene.
A word to the Tops: as opposed to flogging the butt, where you can use color and marking as a guide, the feet don’t give many cues as to when “enough is enough.” It might seem obvious, but besides being attentive to the bottom’s safe words, always err on the side of caution. As I stated last week, and this is becoming my mantra, “When it comes to the possibility of injury, being Captain Obvious is far better than being Major Fuckup!”
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
Joining the Kink Community
Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.
In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.
On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!
(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)
My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.
Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.
Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.
I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.
Domination Without Humiliation
With the proliferation of Pro Dommes on the Internet, one would think Domination always entails humiliation. Granted, the Pro Domme community might be the one group that is keeping the traditional protocols of BDSM alive – surely the “Fifty Shades” Millennials are not doing it. Nevertheless, to the casual observer, it would appear that humiliation is an integral part of all Fem Domme activities. But what of those – masochists especially – who simply want their balls busted? Since few articulate their play needs, I am here to offer a purely “play only” beginners guide to CBT or Cock and Ball Torture. Without any humiliation!
As a beginner, whenever you are doing a BDSM scene that entails pain, avoiding injury is one of the prime directives, as Captain Picard would say. The cock and balls have ultra-sensitive pain centers for a very important reason – they are integral to our species survival (Darwin 101) and pain is the warning light that there is danger of injury. The correlation between pain and injury is thus significant when dealing with this area of the body. And the genitals are one area you simply don’t want to permanently injure. (This might not be as true for flogging on the butt. You can really flail away with a lot of pain here before you start to cause serious or permanent injury.) Although causing pain is one of the objectives in cock and ball scening, a good Dominant learns the skill of administering pain while keeping on the safe side of the injury line. This can be hard to learn when dealing with CBT – with its extreme pain and potential for injury — for the very first time.
If you are new to CBT, here is a two-part system that is both safe and fun. The first part is to agree on safe words and safe signals. Second, make a list of about a dozen CBT scenes that you would like to attempt, intrigue you or turn you on. Here, by way of example, is what might be a typical list.
1. Crushing the male’s testicles under high heels.
2. Using a leather ball ring to stretch the balls.
3. Adding weights to the leather ball ring.
4. Clothespins on the scrotum.
5. Rope bondage — tying up the balls.
6. Rope bondage – tying up the shaft.
7. Rope bondage – tying up the shaft and balls.
8. Using a “cock cage” on the penis shaft.
9. Using a “cock cage” on the balls.
10. Wax play.
11. Ice play.
12. Abrasion play.
Now, here is the important part. Rate these activities in terms of ease of learning and relative safety. Let’s get specific. In this list, I would say number eleven, ice play, is the easiest to learn and the least dangerous. Start here. Use ice on a bound bottom’s scrotum. Try it for various periods of times. Become experienced in ice play; then move on to the next CBT scene. I would say that number four – clothespins — are the next in our reverse safety order. Clothespins, although they look formidable, are really quite a benign tool, in terms of danger – especially when compared to other tools of torture in the BDSM arsenal. Clothespins can be applied gently; you can find wooden ones, which do not snap all that tightly; you control their ferocity by the total of clothespins used in the scene. They might look incredibly sadistic — but they are rarely fatal. You can continue on down the list as you get more experienced as both Top and bottom and know each other better. But still observe your safe words!
Notice that humiliation – such as “your worthless little shaft” – is not part of these activities. And it does not have to be. If degradation is not your thing there is no reason to skip your need for CBT because of it. Play is what you make it!
Using the system I have outlined, beginners can work themselves up gradually both in terms of difficulty and edginess. All on an S&M level and without humiliation.
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
BDSM Scene Ideas: The Interrogation
I’m a big fan of getting creative with BDSM play. Rope is great, and impact is fine, but what I love most is power exchange, and putting some thought and preparation into creating a great scene can go a long way towards heightening that dynamic.
In this article I’m going to describe one of my favorite scenarios – The Interrogation. It borrows from the genre of captured spy, or dirty cop, and it’s great not only to reinforce the dominance and submission of the participants, but also actually helps in revealing a lot about each other (well, about the sub anyway). Because of that, I generally incorporate this into a relatively early play session with a new play partner. Probably not the very first time, because it helps if a level of trust has already been established, but perhaps the second or third time. Having said that, it’s a classic that can still be fun even if you’ve been playing with them for years.
Important – this scene is for people who already have an established BDSM relationship with their partner, and have already negotiated limits and safewords between them. The scene as described includes several different BDSM aspects, which should each have been discussed and agreed upon between the Dom and sub prior to playing. If any aspect is a problem for either person, you can of course modify and use alternative techniques instead.
What you’ll need:
• Sturdy chair – I prefer one without arms so that the sub’s legs are not prevented from opening. I like simple wooden ones rather than comfortable modern ones, for added effect.
• Ankle & wrist restraints – you could use rope if you want, but for this scene I prefer the convenience of leather cuffs
• Connectors – something to attach the wrist cuffs together, and a lead or strap to connect the ankle cuffs to the back of the chair
• Long leather strap – highly recommended, to secure the torso to the back of the chair. Prevents wriggling around.
• Spotlights x 2
• Nice torture toy – something painful but not too horrible. E.g. a violet wand, or TENS unit on a low setting
• Mean torture toy – something a bit more serious. E.g. a Ta-zapper, or TENS on a higher setting
• Pleasure toy (optional) – e.g. Hitachi or Fleshlight
I put a lot of stock in the ambience of a scene. So you don’t want to just casually invite your submissive to sit in the chair for a spot of interrogation. Instead, build up to it. Perhaps have them waiting in bondage for a little while beforehand, in the dark or with a blindfold on. Then (borrowing some dramatic effect from a spy thriller), suddenly and loudly grab them and manhandle them to the chair. Sit your sub down, and get him or her secured. Start with the wrists behind the back (whether they are behind or in front of the chair back will depend on the chair and your sub’s comfort level, and whether you care about that). Then do the ankles – you’ll want to get the legs spread as wide and far back as you can and then secure the ankle restraints to the chair leg. Finally, put the leather strap in place to secure the torso to the chair back – important to prevent too much wriggling around. Now, I prefer subs to not be wearing any clothes for this scene, so if they aren’t already there this could be a great opportunity to cut the clothes off, which can be a real thrill unto itself for some submissives (obviously, only if this has been negotiated and they aren’t overly attached to whatever they are wearing).
Make sure the chair is secure and can’t fall backwards! Depending on what you do, the person tied to your chair may jump around a bit – the last thing you want is them falling backwards and being unable to cushion their fall.
Ideally the setting should be dark, which is perfect for now switching on your spotlights and directing them at the submissive. This creates a powerful effect of the person feeling like they are under scrutiny, while obscuring you as the questioner. Be aware of the power of the spotlight and exactly where you are pointing it – you don’t want to cause any permanent vision issues (like with all BDSM activities, I recommend testing on yourself before using on another person).
Now that the scene is set, you can begin the interrogation. Tell the person you are going to ask them some questions. Take an authoritative tone. Let them know you want them to answer you quickly, and truthfully.
I generally have two toys for this part. One mild torture toy like a violet wand set to a relatively gentle level. And one less forgiving toy like a Ta-zapper or simply a higher setting of the wand. You’ll notice the electrical play theme here, which I find accompanies the theme quite well, but you can of course substitute whatever you like for these – impact, clamps etc (electrical play can be dangerous – don’t do it without learning about how to do it safely first).
Explain to your sub that you’ll be using the violet wand as you ask them questions, and that it had better not distract them from answering you. And let them know that if you think they are lying about anything, or answering too slowly, or you otherwise don’t like their answer, then you’ll be using the mean toy on them. At which point you might like to demonstrate once on them for effect.
Now that the tone is set and they are likely in a cooperative frame of mind, you can begin questioning. Start with easy questions:
“What’s your name?”
“How old are you?”
“Where are you from?”
This will get them into the habit of answering you immediately and truthfully. Write down the answers. Even if you already know the answers, it’s part of the ambience and the role. Now, move onto more personal and embarrassing questions:
“How much do you weigh?”
“How many people have you fucked?”
“What sex toys do you own?”
This will help open the person up to you, and move them into a special kind of submissive mindset. Be mindful of any topics that are limits or triggers (which you should already know if you previously done a proper play negotiation). But other than that, aim to keep establishing your position of authority and make them open up and bare all to you.
“Have you ever done any drugs?”
“When was the last time you masturbated?”
“Tell me in detail about a fantasy you think about while masturbating”.
All the while throughout the questioning, you should be teasing them with your violet wand (or other toy of choice). It should add a pleasant level of difficulty as they try to answer your questions. And don’t forget to punish them with the mean toy if they take their time, or don’t provide enough detail, or even if the answer is true but you disapprove, or even pretend to disapprove on moral grounds (e.g. “have you ever cheated on a lover”)
You may decide to press for more details and ask different questions depending on your sub’s answers. In this way, it can be quite bonding as you learn things about them you might not have otherwise. For the sub, I am told it can actually feel quite liberating and exhilarating being made to reveal intimate details – like kinky therapy, perhaps.
And of course, you can file away the info you learn about their fantasies for use in future play scenes.
Once you are done with the questioning, if they have been good then you might choose to use your pleasure toy to get them off – they’ll no doubt be hot and ready for it. But that’s almost a clichéd finish now, so I’ll leave that up to you!
Stay tuned for more scene ideas in future editions.
Have you ever done an interrogation scene, either as the top or the bottom? Tell me about your experiences and any comments you’d like to add below!
Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it. Find him here.