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On Being A Man In The Kink Scene

September 16, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

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My sister died recently and one of my children said in response…”she lived well”…which I found an odd  reaction considering that she had spent many years in seclusion fighting depression, had not been able  to maintain employment, and had otherwise swindled people out of money to survive. I found his  remark, well, odd.  

Even so, his note that “she lived will” had me look at my own life from the point of view “lived well” and  to make an assessment of what that expression implies for my experience of being alive.  

As a boy, I was not particularly aware of myself. I fantasized a lot about life because I spent a lot of time  reading books, many more adult than probably made sense for a kid to read. So, I spent a lot of my  youth in fantasy. I masturbated furiously. I grew up without TV, skin magazines like Playboy and  Penthouse, were banned, and so much of my fantasy reflected the adult books I read.  

As a teenager, I became aware of my athletic prowess, and excelled at all sports. I played soccer, rugby,  cricket, tennis, squash, field hockey, and did track and field. I also swam and dived. I had great balance,  and body control and good hand-eye and foot-eye coordination and I had a high IQ for sports. I was just  not a very big fella, so I ended up growing into a competitive gymnast that competed at the very highest  level thorough high school, and I played soccer at a high level too. In class, I was the “funny guy”. I drove  teachers crazy. I became aware that girls found me sexually attractive. When I was 16, I spent time in  Berlin and hung out in sex shops. I brought home a very kinky German kink magazine that had scenes in  it with bondage, discipline, incest, anal, piss play, and more. My masturbation fantasies changed almost immediately.  

I dated girls from about age 13, although it was all very innocent until I was about 17 or 16, when Pam,  this voluptuous sexy vixen, the high school prom queen, took me into a room at a party one night and  said “I have been waiting to get you alone” and then she pushed me onto a bed and to my delight, she  sucked my cock.  

The girls came fast and furious after that. I fucked as if I was the last man on earth. And I was not at all  aware of my manhood. If she was willing, I fucked her.  

When I met, dated and then married my wife between 5 and 8 years later, I was mostly aware of the  expectations of family and society. Get married, hold down a job, have children etc., and I can now say  with certainty, that I was completely unaware of myself as a man. Sex was largely fetish free. She was  the preacher’s kid after all.  

I first became aware of my sexual masculinity about 10 years later, at age 38, This occurred in part  because while raising children, my wife simply refused me her body. Once she stopped nursing, she  persisted in her refusal. There I was, providing for her and my children and she simply turned off our  sexual connection along with the associated loss of intimacy and relatedness. the next few years were  hard. Sex is my love language.  

I had not signed up for this, so I asked for a divorce. We set about starting that process and realized that  it would be quite complicated. We agreed not to pursue it, and to have a slightly open relationship…a  don’t ask don’t tell policy. It was not workable. I was miserable. I called a lawyer. 

My first real moment of clarity occurred when about 6 years into our estrangement, even as I was still  working on terms of a divorce, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and begged me to “stay and to  make it go away”. I remember, I was speaking to my attorney on the phone, and she called on the other  line and asked to speak to me urgently. I hung up to take her call. She was hysterical and said, tearfully,  “you can’t leave now”. She asked for me help. I agreed. I set to one side my differences with her while  we set about managing and treating her illness.  

During the next 8 to 10 years or so, I learned more about my masculinity as I encountered women who  made themselves sexually available to me and who enjoyed my fetishes. On a gradient I learned more  about the full spectrum of my kink. I also discovered that when submissive women are self-expressed,  

they are more connected to their primal selves and more authentic than I was able to deal with at first. I  needed time to understand the sexual power I seemed to naturally exude.  

When I finally got divorced, I was lucky to meet several self-expressed submissive women who pushed  me to explore the darkest parts of my nature and who gave me access to the full spectrum of kink, and a  glimpse into the true power of a D/s dynamic. It was a bit of a surprise to find so many women eager to  submit. I had no idea. In many ways I was living a sheltered life till then. I learned a lot about my desires  by taking on different Dom personas. I found myself a solid disciplinarian, a sadist who enjoyed wielding  the cane and the flogger. I found chains appealing. I found I enjoyed acts of humiliation including water  sports. I discovered I liked the excitement of kink. Tying up and fucking women was more appealing than  I realized. I also came to recognize newly that for me, sex is indeed my love language, and I was  determined to find a woman who was both horny and an obedient submissive masochist. Even with  access to the full spectrum of kink, I was still empty inside. I wanted, in fact needed the intimacy of a  loving relationship in addition to the kink. In addition to a through the roof sex drive to match my own  she needed be comfortable in her body, and also searching for more than kink and sex. I craved kinky  sex for sure, but mostly I craved the intimacy that leads to a meaningful loving relationship, and I was  convinced that I needed to partner with a likeminded submissive.  

I began to truly discover my masculinity and unlock the power that the D/s dynamic allows as possible.  The deeply naturally dominant male inside me longed for and needed the power of a loving and willing  slut with whom I could accomplished the impossible. I intended to experience my own masculinity more  acutely while she herself realized her own femininity as a corollary. I wanted a partner who would jump  into the rabbit hole with me, hand in hand. It occurred to me that as much as I needed to be a sadistic  Dom, I needed a submissive slut who herself needed to explore her own masochistic tendencies. We  cannot exist at all without each other, and I set out to find her. That much was clear. As I searched for  her, luckily, I found her searching for me. Our good fortune is that we are completely aligned. It’s  perfect. We are deeply connected and aligned in every aspect of our kink and more. We have been  exploring our 24/7 TPE D/s dynamic, stretching each other and growing ourselves. It’s been amazing.  

It’s only now, 3 years in, as the Dominant partner in a Total Power Exchange with Lady Petra that I truly  have access to the deeply dominant masculine nature of my authentic self. What I thought was  dominance has changed completely inside that exchange. I am responsible for her sexuality and her  wellbeing and the impact of that has caused me to use her often and hard every single day, while at the  same time, ensuring that she is deeply fulfilled in her own sexual self-expression. Or as she puts it, I “use  her up”. There is more intimacy than I thought possible. I have learned how to be vulnerable. I have  learned how to meter my power, and how to enroll her in her submission. There is much that has come out of our dynamic, including collaring her that itself has led to such amazing blistering hot sex that I am  filled with desire for her on a daily basis. She is my muse. She is the loving object of my poetry. With her  I am fulfilled as a man like never before. I am also deeply in touch with my primal sexuality. This is new  for me and has only been true for me when I am with her and in the throes of our mutual ecstasy that  we find each other most appealing, and the sex so satisfying.  

She has given me the very best gift a man can have. My manhood. My masculinity. I am deeply grateful  to have enjoyed this chapter of my life so far. I can say now, finally, that “I have lived well” too.  

**Note, this is a personal exploration and not meant to be a commentary on masculinity in general (the author).

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm relationship, consent, contracts, dominant, fetish, kink, power exchange, protocol, rituals, submission, submissive headspace, submissive training

Remove the Power Dynamic and Re-Ask the Question

July 23, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

Earlier this week, I received a question from a woman who was wondering how to approach her  dominant partner regarding the time he was spending with an ex-submissive. She was expressing anger  that he was not spending that time with her, and that she was conflicted about talking to him about it,  because he was her dominant. 

The day before that, I read a question in a FetLife discussion group regarding how to find compatible partners for a D/s relationship. 

The day before that, a woman was complaining that her dominant husband / ‘daddy’ wasn’t paying her  enough attention and was triggering a ‘fear of abandonment’ issue for her. According to her, it was ‘his  job’ to take care of her…and he wasn’t. 

These three problems share a common thread: They all highlight power dynamics in the relationship, and yet, all have absolutely nothing to do with power dynamics!  

In follow-up discussions with each of these people, I was able to ascertain the root of the real  issues…and in all three cases, the core values of the relationship were in question – not the power  dynamics. In the first case, the woman felt he was spending time with his ex that she felt he should  prefer he spend with her. In the discussion, I asked if she would feel the same way if it was a beer-buddy  that he was seeing, rather than an ex – and eventually she admitted it wasn’t the time so much as the  person. She was feeling insecure and threatened by an ex-partner of her partner. Who hasn’t felt that? 

The gentleman in the second problem was receiving advice from lots of folks online: Get out there, go to  munches, meet the person first then find kink compatibility, etc. It read like a lot of standard, vanilla  dating advice…because it was…because ultimately, he was looking for a partner…we’ve all done that. 

The third woman was dealing with an abandonment issue that she had already spent a lifetime in  therapy working through. She knew the tools she needed to put in place to help herself, but was  avoiding the effort and placing it on her dominant. But the real problem was the same as it always was and the resolution rested with her, as it always had. 

I don’t know whether it’s a need for self-importance or just a correlation vs. consequence conflation, but  I often see people who are in relationships with power dynamics giving WAY too much importance to  the power dynamic and denying the fact that they are in a good-old relationship. I often hear how much  “stronger” a relationship is, because it has a power dynamic. Or, how much better the people are at  communicating because they have a power dynamic that requires communication. 

I believe this is a correlation and not a consequence and I challenge it: Power dynamics are just one of  MANY mutual dynamics / passions a couple can share – any of which will strengthen a relationship and  many of which will exercise communications. In fact, any activity or dynamic in which you engage, that  exercises communications, will TEST those communication skills – and your relationship will hang in the balance. Having a power dynamic doesn’t improve your communication skills – good communication  skills improve your power dynamic. You can observe good communications in relationships that last, and  that includes power relationships that last. But it’s not the existence of the power dynamic that creates  the good communications…it’s the other way around. 

When folks approach me with questions / issues regarding their power relationships, most of the time the problem really has nothing to do with the power dynamic. Most of the challenges we face are plain old relationship conflicts that need plain-old relationship solutions. What I have also found is that most of the people who approach me already know the answer to the problem, but are failing to see it,  believing it must be different because they have a power dynamic! In some cases, they are HOPING it  will be different because they have a power dynamic! 

What I mean by that last statement is that many times the resolutions to relationship issues are difficult,  and it would be awesome if having a power dynamic would make them simpler to resolve. There is an  aspect of ‘giving up control’ that makes one’s life easier…and it is nice to think that giving up control will  make relationship issue resolution easier too. Unfortunately, the layers don’t really mix that way.  Relationship issues hit at a very base-level of NEED in people…and power dynamics aren’t impacting that  level in that way. You must deal with relationship issues as equal partners in a relationship. There are no shortcuts. 

I have found that resolution to most of these issues comes directly from the people themselves, once I force them to restate the question removing the power dynamic. When they voice their concern without consideration for their position in the power dynamic – and just look at it objectively within their knowledge of vanilla relationships, they suddenly can see the answer.  

Sometimes, this is all that’s needed. Sometimes, they don’t like the answer they see, when they are forced to realize that power dynamics can’t be used as a crutch, an excuse for lazy behavior, or a reason  to pass the burden of resolution onto their partner due to their role in the power dynamic. Issues with  power dynamics need to be addressed without the D/s dynamic. 

Next time you’re faced with a problem, try restating the issue without consideration for your power  dynamic. What would a vanilla person do? If the answer to that question is clear to you, like it or not, it  is probably the appropriate answer to your problem as well! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, dominance, fetish, kink, power exchange, protocol, rituals, submission

Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The  Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a  Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things: 

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the  need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments 

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant 

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely  burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do 

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches  the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why  something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive  think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured  communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book,  “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results! 

The Routine Task List Exercise 

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version: 

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them. 

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s  best to establish a set time to prepare a written list. 

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the  dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list  of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the  exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because  the submissive is forced to think like the dominant. 

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the  dominant’s preferences. 

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell  into each category: 

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to  have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the  dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub  happy, are not actually submission for them 

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do 

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain  WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to  explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant  and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list. 

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria: 

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the  submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”,  “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the  submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without  the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule. 

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that  can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant  should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the  dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list. 

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done. 

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course,  is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try  again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise,  the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list. 

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered  to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and  more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is  performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant. 

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the  submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the  dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs. 

John’s Attestation 

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of  success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s  Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission: 

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you  who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task  List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first  (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply  irresistible! 

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In  it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz  and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction  to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It  was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from  my first list made it to the routine list. 

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to  be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because  they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER. 

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every  chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not  moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that  wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing  anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she  was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my  core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did. 

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had  a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It  was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching  my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She  also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to  [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain  circumstances. 

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than  I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant.  She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed  – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission,  but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it. 

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis  anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her  servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have  changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind,  but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself  acting in accordance with them, without having to try. 

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first  component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The  other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU. 

Wrapping it Up 

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing  their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater  communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the  submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has  truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course. 

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic  regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm play, bdsm property, bdsm relationship, communication, consent, dominant, domme, femdom, master, mistress, power dynamic, power exchange, power play, slave, slave contracts, submission, subspace

The Use Of Signals in Public

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

A while back, I published an essay called “Keeping your Dynamics Under Wraps”. In it, I discussed a  number of techniques for maintaining and executing your power dynamic – without it being apparent to  people around you (kids, relatives, co-workers, etc.). 

One of the techniques, which has recently spurred some interest, is the use of furtive signals to improve  communications without arousing awareness. I felt it would be good to dive in a bit deeper this week. 

The first key point is really an observation: The most effective means of keeping communications  private, is misdirection. In this case, giving the impression that the idea for someone’s actions was their  own. If it’s done well in a D/s context, it seems that the submissive partner thought up the action themselves, when, in reality, they were actually RESPONDING to impetus from the dominant partner. The dominant gets what they want, but it appears to be the submissive’s initiative. 

Why is that important? We are setting up this non-verbal communication system so that a dominant can  direct a submissive without it appearing that the submissive is following directives. When we see  someone volunteer to do something, apparently without provocation, we assume that the person is  doing it out of the goodness of their heart; that they are just a “really good guy”, “a doting partner”, or  “someone who really likes to help”. We accept almost anything that way. 

Most people with power dynamics will establish protocol and routine ahead of meeting with others outside of their dynamic. They will establish “rules of behavior” that are to be followed without any  need for prompting. These are terrific, but tend to be a bit inflexible. When a situation arises that wasn’t anticipated, the routines can break down and the communications can falter. This is where having a set  of signals can be of service. The idea is to covertly handle exceptions to the routines that were  previously established, through the use of non-verbal communications. 

Some basic rules 

There are a few rules you will want to follow to make this effective and clandestine: 

– Eye contact during a signal is usually a BAD thing. Others can see an increase in intensity, or a  “call to focus” when you attempt to communicate with your eyes. Even if there is a signal in  play, many people will either look at the signal, or look at the submissive – to either emphasize  the signal or gain confirmation that the signal was received. This is usually a give-away: Others  see that connection, realize that something out of the ordinary has occurred, and put two-and two together when the submissive partner suddenly gets an idea to do something “helpful”  

– Deliberately looking away is not good either: Keep the signal natural and don’t change your  focus because you’re using one. If you’re looking forward, keep looking forward. Don’t stare or  remain stagnant. Just be loose and natural 

– Signals need to be hiding in plain sight. They can’t be something that the sub needs to search  for…yet, it can’t be something unnatural that calls attention. Things dealing with objects around 

you will work well – like resting a hand on a table or a chair. Stretching, scratching one’s nose,  touching an earring – these are all very prominent, but natural motions that can be used – The signals will rely on the submissive partner’s dedication to observation. It is the onus of the  submissive partner to be looking for the signals. If they’re missed, it’s on the submissive – Allow time to pass between signal and action. Immediate reaction to a signal can be a give away, particularly if a lot of signaling is going on. Eventually, those around you will notice that  when the dominant moves, the submissive reacts. It’s far more clandestine if there is a  disconnect in time between the signal and the action. It doesn’t have to be long, just a moment  to disassociate the actions 

Ways to make it work 

Here are some easy ways to make this work: 

– Make signals the exception to submissive behavior routines. In other words, the submissive  partner is ALWAYS looking for ways to serve as usual. The normal course of events will continue  with the routines and protocols in play. Use of the signal is for something outside of that normal  behavior. It could be a request for non-submissive behavior – or it could be a request for a  specific, predetermined action. A good signal will not mean “Obey Me Immediately”; for that is  likely a given…however, a good signal might say, “I want your honest answer, not the one you  think I want to hear from my submissive” 

– Establish a feedback loop. It’s helpful to establish a return signal for the submissive partner to  use that communicates back: “aye-aye” (which, btw, originated as ‘I hear and I obey”). It  informs the dominant that the submissive partner has received the signal and is ready to act on  it – even if that action doesn’t happen immediately. This allows the dominant to stop signaling,  knowing that the message has been received, and then be focused elsewhere when the  submissive partner suddenly gets the idea to do something. My hubby and I use a touch of his  eye to indicate that a signal has been received. People rub their eyes all the time. I signal; he  touches his eye; communication completed

– Check in with me: I recommend that you always have a signal that means, “Check in with me”.  It’s impossible to predict every situation you might encounter and build signals around that.  There will be times when only verbal communication will do. The “check in with me”-signal tells  the submissive partner to take the initiative to see if there’s something the dominant partner  wants or needs. It tells them to observe, or perhaps enquire as to what is needed 

– Keep it simple: Make the signals natural gestures. It’s better to have a missed signal than to  have a submissive need to noticeably look for, or interpret a signal. Plus, you don’t want to have  to exaggerate a signal to have it seen. You want to know that, as long as the submissive is paying  attention (which they are on point to do), they will see the signal 

– Avoid “counting”: This one is almost funny…but I’ve seen it. “If I tap on my wrist 3 times, it  means ask me if I want a drink; twice ask me if I’m hungry”. Fundamentally, don’t do this! Everyone in the room is going to zone in on your tapping – not because you’re tapping, but  because the submissive partner will be focused on counting. It forces the sub to stare – and that  needs to be avoided. It’s surprising that, although this seems obvious, many people do it 

– Keep the repertoire small: Strive to establish the fewest number of signals you can. Pick general  meanings that can be interpreted based on the situation. Use them to initiate actions (like checking in) that open the door to natural conversations. Use them to bring general attention to  the dominant, who can then help the submissive partner determine what needs to be done.  – Practice, practice, practice. Try it with small things. Drop signals when the submissive is busy.  The submissive needs to learn how to be alert and observant. When they see the signal, have them say it out loud (when you’re practicing). If you have friends who are aware of your  dynamic, practice in front of them – If they don’t see the signals, even though they’re tuned in,  people who are not tuned in will never be the wiser 

With my submissive, I only have four signals: 

1) “I want your real opinion”: Under normal circumstances, his aim is to make me happy, so, if I  said, “Do you want to go out for Italian food tonight?” and didn’t give the signal, he would  interpret it as, “We’re going out for Italian tonight…and I’m giving you the opportunity to at  least LOOK LIKE you have a choice” and his answer will always be, “Yes, Italian sounds  perfect!“…but if I give him the signal for his real opinion, he is free to suggest something else. He  might respond, “Italian sounds great, or maybe Indian?” The “Real Opinion” signal is very  valuable with unknowing folks around 

2) “You’re missing something you should be doing”: He knows that he had better stop and figure  this one out fast. I’m not necessarily telling him what he’s missing, but I’m alerting him to the  fact that something is up. For us, the signal is me playing with my earring. Usually with a little  thought, he can figure out what I want pretty quickly, but when he can’t, he enquires. He has said things like, “Are you OK honey? You look like you’re thinking of something. You have the  habit of playing with your earring when something is bothering you…is there anything I can do?”  Which just makes him seem like the PERFECT husband; observant and tuned into his wife. Then I  can choose to either give him subtle direction at that point, or take him to a private spot where I  can give him more direct instruction – or, if I want him to figure it out, I can just respond that  nothing is wrong. Regardless, others need not know what’s going on – and it looks like he’s  initiating the interaction and just being a doting husband 

3) “Stop talking, stop arguing, get in line…obey!”: Which has that intended effect! It’s the  equivalent of saying, ‘submissives are meant to be seen not heard”…and he will quickly blend  into the background 

4) Lastly, we have his favorite signal, which says, “You’re in for a treat tonight”… which means I’m  thinking of wickedly evil things to do to him when we get alone. This one will always get a rise out of him 🙂 

Dominance and submission are between the ears of the unique couple. What you say and what you do  is far less important than the understood intent of what you say and what you do. When you’re both on  the same page, people around you can be completely unaware that your dynamic is in full-force.  Predefined routines and protocols help you to maintain your dynamic when you don’t want those  around you to be aware of it. Establishing a small set of private, clandestine signals will allow you to  adjust those routines to the realities around you: Handling situations that you have not predicted and  adapting to real-time changes in your mood and preferences. Try them out! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

Tagged With: bdsm, contracts, dominance, fetish, kink, power exchange, protocols, rituals, submission, total power exchange

This week in kink: December 14, 2020

December 12, 2020 By Desdemona 2 Comments

So many folks have had their worlds turned upside down due to the pandemic. This has left many feeling like nothing is in their control and hopeless.

Because of this, Tracey Anne Duncan writes about how BDSM can help us gain back a sense of control during these trying times.

Click below to read more!

https://www.mic.com/p/could-bdsm-be-the-antidote-to-our-pandemic-fueled-loss-of-control-47460733

Kink and BDSM, for many, are so much more than something sexy to do!

There have been a lot of mental and emotional benefits experienced by those that are in the lifestyle.

BDSM can help reduce anxiety, chronic pain, improve mood, and so much more!

Click below to read more about this from Refinery29!


More often than not, submission and feminism are not thought to go hand in hand.

We here at KinkWeekly feel it’s important to talk about these topics and explore all sides of how they might go together and might oppose each other.

Everything is about the grey after all!

Click below to explore these intriguing topics further with Feminism in India!

Kinky Promise: Does My Sexual Submission Make Me A Bad Feminist?

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm scene, coronavirus, feminism, fetish, kink, Kink Community, mental health, pandemic, quarantine, submission

This week in kink news: October 26, 2020

October 24, 2020 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Don’t miss the riveting story of how Ms. Vivienne became a dominatrix.

She gets real and personal when sharing her story. Furthermore, she explains her view of sex work and how it has changed her life for the better.

Click below to read more from The Independent!


Curous to learn the top five sexual fantasies amidst the general public?

Articles like this can help us see that we aren’t as “demented” as we may think we are, and that we aren’t as alone as we may think we are either.

Click below to learn more from News Patrolling!

5 Most Common Sexual Fantasies

Upscale, NY, sex club decides to have a Black Death-themed Halloween party.

We, here at Kink Weekly, know that everyone has their own comfortability regarding quaratine practices.

Decide for youself about this party by reading Oli Coleman’s article!

https://pagesix.com/2020/10/12/upscale-sex-club-snctm-plots-black-death-themed-halloween-party/


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, boundaries, consent, dominatrix, ethical non-monogamy, fetish, kink, orgy, polyamory, power exchange, sex, sex club, Sex Work Community, sex workers, sexual fantasy, submission

Why I Don’t Use Fear As A Submissive Motivator

October 17, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

 

handcuffs, sex on the bed
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Yesterday, I was chatting with a dominant who was boasting about how he had put the “fear of God” into his submissive, so that she would never disobey him. He talked about a sequence of scenes that he  created, whereby she was subjected to her worst fears. In fact, he was particularly proud of how the use  of spiders, a phobia of hers, had made her wet herself in fear. He said that she is now perfectly behaved  and responds immediately to his every demand – since she never wants to relive that experience. 

The conversation turned my stomach, frankly. I know it’s a flavor of fantasy, but it struck me more as  abuse than D/s. Still, it did get me thinking. In many circumstances, punishments are used to establish a  baseline of fear in order to obtain compliance. I’ve often heard of the practice of punishing a new  submissive before they’ve actually done anything wrong – as a means of showing them the consequences of misbehaving and establishing the fear of having to repeat the ordeal. This technique  was even used in “Venus in Furs” upon the signature of the contract, where Wanda told Severin that he  shall feel the bite of the whip, for no reason other than her whim – as a means of solidifying the  agreement and establishing the cost of disobedience. 

As I thought more about it, I found myself considering how I treat my submissives and comparing it to  this technique. I have complete authority over them and can do anything I want to them. Sometimes I  choose to cause them discomfort. Do they fear me? More importantly, do I WANT them to fear me? 

I found my answers in the differentiation between ‘compliance’ and ‘submission’. Compliance is doing  what you’re told; submission is dedicating yourself to the preferences of another. I concluded that,  while there is no doubt that establishing fear is an effective technique for gaining compliance, it is not the best technique for gaining submission. I further concluded that, while I enjoy obedience from my  submissives, I’m not interested in their BLIND obedience. I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want  it to be the byproduct of their goal. I don’t want them to please me by obeying me, I want them to obey  me because they’re striving to please me. Certainly not doing what I want would not please me and  would make my life more complicated. When the focus of the submissive is to be the best submissive that they can be, their motivation is to strive to deliver top-notch service. So, in order to serve me well,  one of the things they’ll do, is to do what I want them to. What I know for sure, is that I don’t want them  to obey me because they fear the consequences of not obeying me. 

What’s wrong with fear-based motivation? I see a few key issues when you consider submission and not  just compliance: 

• The submissive finds themselves looking for “Outs” – ways to avoid the consequence. The goal is  that they will avoid the consequence by complying with the request. However, if they can avoid  the consequence more easily than complying with the demand, they will – because the  motivation is all about the consequence and not about the request itself. The “Loophole” in the  rule becomes a possibility…and then the dominant is forced to punish use of the loophole…and  round you go.

• The submissive will comply only as much as is needed, to avoid the consequence. Most fear based victims will not attempt to exceed the ask. They will do the minimum to avoid the  consequence. They also will not apply lessons learned to other requests. In other words, unless  there is a specific consequence looming over another task – even one that’s similar to the known  task – the submissive is not motivated to get the job done, as there’s no consequence attached  to that item. The dominant is forced to establish a consequence for every action they wish to  control. 

• The onus of successful completion falls on the dominant! With fear-based motivation, the  dominant must first establish a consequence that’s compelling enough to motivate the  submissive. It must be something that can be actually delivered, as a sub will not be motivated  unless the consequence is real. And it needs to be effective. Should the submissive NOT execute  the demand, it is because the dominant did not establish a fearful enough consequence, did not  consider a loophole, or didn’t apply a consequence to a particular outcome. 

These three points establish obedience as the dominant’s responsibility to enforce. All the sub is doing is  avoiding the consequence they fear. The dominant is busy creating maintaining, and delivering the  consequences. That’s a lot of work and responsibility for the person who’s supposed to be the one being served! 

Contrast this with a submissive who is motivated by their own inner desire to please and serve (and  therefore, obey) their dominant: 

• The dominant is only on the hook for communicating their preferences – then the submissive  takes responsibility for delivering what the dominant wants. The onus of success is on the  submissive.  

• The submissive’s focus is on the results of obedience, not on obedience itself. If the sub  completes the task, that pleases / serves the dominant – and there’s a successful exchange. The  objective is to serve the dominant, not to follow orders.  

• Submissives are much more likely to exceed the dominant’s immediate demand, in an effort to  serve them even better. The better the sub gets in touch with the preferences of their unique  dominant, the better the level of their service becomes. 

While fear-based motivations are quick and don’t require a lot of communication to enact, they lack the  depth of adjustment that submission-based discipline provides. In the short term, and for a specific task,  fear-based may be more efficient, but ultimately, when the submissive is focused on the dominant’s  satisfaction, rather than on themselves (avoiding their own discomfort), there is less work for the  dominant – and the dominant is better served. This is because submissives are more apt to internalize  the dominant’s preferences, and adjust ALL aspects of their behavior in accordance, rather than only a  specific, penalizable action. 

Personally, I haven’t needed to resort to fear-based motivations. I’m glad, because I really don’t want to.  I have found that my submissives are quite capable of providing the self-discipline required to focus on  my satisfaction. We are in a partnership, working together to help them provide the best possible  service and to tune that service uniquely to me. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bottom, dom, dominance, domme, fear play, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, slave, submission, Top

The Downside Of Demonstrating Submission

September 26, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

mistress dominating male slave on leash
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

This week, I was chatting with a submissive who had been dismissed from her mistress’ poly household because she was unable to control her jealousy and need for attention. Now, almost a year later, she has returned asking for forgiveness and swearing that she’s changed. 

I correspond with the mistress fairly frequently. In the past, she has shared the issues with this particular submissive, and last year, I provided a sounding board when she was torn about dismissing this submissive. I got good insight into the types of challenges that they were facing and saw how the submissive was creating an intolerable situation; being demanding and emotionally taxing. Dismissal was appropriate. Now, the submissive is begging to come back and promising great change. As is the tendency in these cases, my friend seems to have forgotten the problems of the past and wants to believe that the submissive has changed her ways. The submissive reached out to me, feeling the need to tell me how she’s changed and how “things will be different this time” and how she “will show the dominant how much she’s changed”. 

I have the luxury of being emotionally detached from the situation – and so my memory serves me a bit better than that of my friend. I’m a believer in adjustment and in lessons learned – which this submissive has clearly experienced – but the way she worded her intent made me skeptical that change is possible. 

At the root of my doubt is an issue that’s very common among sub-centric submissives; the notion that they can “demonstrate submission”. 

Demonstrating submission is a sub-centric activity. It may not seem that way at first, because the stated objective is to show how good their submission is, but “demonstrating something” is an action that requires that the one to whom the demonstration is given, observe and acknowledge the performer. The focus of attention during a demonstration is on the demonstrator. 

This feeds the sub-centric psyche. The focus of attention is on them. They are the performer. They are being watched and judged. The dominant is forced into the position of having to “write the review” of the performance – and determine if the show stays open. Even though the sub’s actions are stated to be for the dominant, their actual intent is self-serving. 

Imagine what’s going to happen if the dominant is preoccupied with something (or someone) else while the submissive is trying to demonstrate their improved submission. What if the dominant is just not paying attention at that point and time? Will the sub feel that their efforts are being neglected or ignored? Should the sub wait until the dominant is paying attention to demonstrate their submission? That wouldn’t be very good submission, would it? 

I’m not saying that subs shouldn’t get feedback. All subs are entitled to get feedback. They have no other way to improve their submission. For those of you who’ve read my books, you will remember CERAF, the acronym that stands for what I consider to the be the primary responsibility of a dominant: Communication, Expectation, Recognition”, “Assessment” and “Feedback”. The last three steps are all 

about seeing the sub’s efforts, assessing them, and providing the feedback to help them improve. How does “RAF” differ from a sub trying to demonstrate their submission? 

The difference is in “Demand”. It’s one thing to want to be the best submissive you can be – internalize your dominant’s expectations and use their assessment and feedback to make adjustments – it’s completely another to make the intent of your actions to force acknowledgement of them. The intent of a good submissive is to serve the dominant – and internalizing feedback and making adjustments are the best ways to reach that objective. But when the intent is to force acknowledgement, to PROVE something to the dominant, to get the dominant to admit that improvement – that’s when it becomes manipulation and self-centered behavior. 

Submission is a commitment that you make; a dedication to a dominant. Your focus is on the dominant – their expectations, their preferences, and their desires. Submission is “good” when the dominant feels that it’s good. The dominant doesn’t need to be “Shown” how good submission is – we feel it. A good dominant will provide that feedback at appropriate times and on their own schedule, but not because it’s demanded in order to confirm the submissive’s objective. 

A exaggerated example, to demonstrate the difference, can be seen in this tale of two submissives, tasked to clean a bathroom: 

Submissive #1 Cleans the bathroom. Does the very best job they can and heads on to do their next chore. The dominant eventually uses the bathroom and calls the sub in an says, “Nice job, but next time be sure to wash the tops of my makeup and cold cream containers”. The sub notes that so they can do it the next time. 

Submissive #2 Says, “Thank you Goddess…I’m going to clean the bathroom and I’m going to make it SPARKLE! You’ll see”. The sub cleans the bathroom and then seeks out the dominant. “Would you like to inspect my work?” If the dominant is not interested in inspecting the work, submissive #2 sulks, until, eventually the dominant relents and inspects the work. Submissive #2 is anxiously awaiting acknowledgment that the dominant sees how good a job they did. The fact that cold cream container cover is not cleaned becomes an issue that submissive #2 interprets as a failure to demonstrate their improved submission. The dominant, feeling this pressure, might even not mention the cold cream container – just to avoid the emotional tumult. 

OK…that’s an exaggerated scenario – but it highlights the underlying intents…and whether they’re as blatant as this example or not, they are FELT. 

Being the audience of a demonstration demands attention. Being the presenter adds pressure and makes criticism personal. Dominants need to provide feedback and submissives need to listen, internalize, and adjust – but an intent to serve must not manipulate a dominant. Don’t demonstrate your submission – just submit. 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, bottom, dominant, domme, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, sex, slave, submission, submissive, Top

Anticipatory Service: Is it Right for Your Dynamic?

September 5, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

sexy power exchange couple, submissive blindfolded
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

People’s preferences differ. Dominants are no exception. One topic that generates lots of debates among dominants – and therefore, confusion among subs – is the area of Anticipatory Service. To some (myself included), having a submissive who is so in-tuned with my definition of dominance and submission, that they can consistently accurately act in accordance with my preferences, without needing to be told and without needing to ask for permission, is the pinnacle of good submission. To others, it’s a repulsive idea.

When I mention Anticipatory Service, I’m often met with, “Subs make terrible mind-readers!” I respond that the notion that anticipation requires reading someone’s mind is completely erroneous. Yes, anticipatory service requires that the sub be focused on the dominant quite a bit. They need to remember things, be observant, and present. It requires that the sub be attentive, empathetic, and a little intuitive. But they’re not expected to be a mind-readers. Rather, they’re expected to internalize their dominant’s preferences and apply them to their decisions.

There are dominants who prefer that the sub never take the initiative to act on their behalf and to never make their own decisions. They may allow the submissive to make suggestions, but never to act without instruction / permission to do so. They prefer the method of “Recall and Obey”: Only allow the sub to act on their own when it’s in response to a standing directive (e.g., Every Tuesday AM do this…Every time I do that, you do this).
For me, this plays on the difference between “Information” and “Instruction”. Information provides the “Why” of a request, whereas Instruction provides the “How”. If I inform the sub that I want something done and provide the basis for them to determine what “correct” is, they are given the responsibility of determining how to do it to my expectation.

If I provide instruction, they are to “obey” and follow those instructions. In my opinion, a sub following instructions will, at best, meet expectations – whereas a sub who is given information can exceed those expectations. For me, a sub who can exceed my expectations is a top-notch sub!

To clarify this distinction, I propose the following scenario:
Let’s say a dominant tells her sub, “From now, until I tell you otherwise, you are to bring me a glass of wine with a bowl of fruit each evening when I sit down to watch TV.”

The sub does so, each evening: Recall and obedience.
Tomorrow, the dominant has an appointment with the doctor and will be getting her blood taken to test for blood sugar levels. The sub knows this and knows that she cannot have the sugar from the fruit, nor from the alcohol, but it’s slipping the dominant’s mind – and she isn’t telling the sub to do anything different.

The sub has some choices:

1. Pure recall and obedience would edict that the sub does what he’s told to do, anyway – as he wasn’t told NOT to do it…so he would blindly obey. He brings the glass of wine and fruit, obediently.
2. Inquire, don’t act: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and asks if he should bring the wine and cheese anyway. The dominant would then tell the submissive if she would have something else instead.
3. Anticipatory: The sub reminds the dominant of her blood test the next day and shows her that he prepared an alternate snack that doesn’t impact the blood work, and offers it as an option to her. If the alternative is not what she wants, she’ll send him off for something else, otherwise, she’s all set.

Given this example, some dominants are going to choose #2; not wanting the sub to act without permission. Frankly, I don’t see too many choosing #1, as that strikes me a bit more like fantasy play than reality. You all can likely guess that I’d prefer #3. I don’t mind allowing the sub to use their minds and not rely only on me.

If my sub were choosing the alternative snack for me, it wouldn’t be chosen out of the blue – nor would it be chosen because he miraculously “read my mind” – it would be chosen based on his best understanding of my preferences, the situation as it stands, (in this case) his knowledge of blood tests and the impacts of what I ate / drank prior to drawing the blood, and any other factors that might influence my preference (e.g, What I ate earlier in the day – if he knows that, if I will be working out later – if he knows that, what I’m having for dinner – if he knows that, etc.).

All of those “If he knows that”s are important to note. He’s not expected to know everything – he can’t read my mind. He’s expected to take whatever he knows and use it to make his best, educated, anticipation. Obviously, the more in-tuned he is with me; the more he is aware of my patterns and the way I prefer to handle situations, and the more observant he can be – the more educated and accurate his anticipation will be. This would give him the best chance of arriving at a solution that will please me.

And if he doesn’t get it right, that’s OK too. I don’t get mad at my sub if he anticipates incorrectly – as long as he was truly trying to the best of his ability and as long as he learns from his mistakes. If he gets something wrong (or not right), then it’s a learning experience that will influence and improve his anticipation skills in the future. We’re in this, together, for the long haul.

I assure you, that when a sub gets it right and comes up with something PERFECT that I, myself, might not have even thought of – exceeds my expectations – that’s heaven! Consider that, If he’s obedient, the best I can get is what I can think of. Whereas, if he gets good at anticipating, and is encouraged to do so, I can get surprised by things that may be even BETTER than what I would have thought of! Two minds can be better than one – as long as they’re focused on the same objective (my happiness)!

If you’re a submissive, be sure to take your lead from the unique dominant to whom you’re submitting. Don’t assume anticipatory service is better because Rika said it is for her. You are a student, who needs to learn your dominant’s preferences – particularly when it comes to the style of submission they would like. Also, submissives, don’t try to push your preferences onto your dominant. You might like to never be allowed to make a decision on your own, but your dominant may not like the pressure / burden that places on them. If your goal is to make your dominant pleased with your service as their submissive, focus on their preferences and adapt to deliver to the best of your ability.

If you’re a dominant, make sure you understand and communicate your preferences to your submissives. Usually dominants don’t need to be told that, but you might be surprised how often dominants either forget, or try to appease their submissives. Know what you prefer and assure your submissive understands it. Then expect it to be done the way you prefer!


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: aniticipatory service, bdsm, body worship, bottom, dominance, dominant, domme, erotic massage, femdom, foot worship, goddess worship, kink, master, mistress, play, power exchange, service, sex, slave, submission, submissive, Top

Neediness is not a good trait in a submissive

July 19, 2020 By Ms. Rika 5 Comments

mistress dominating male slave on leash
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly! 

Neediness breeds sub-centric behavior – Why neediness is a poor motivation strategy 

A needy person, by definition, is someone who is driven by a quest to satisfy their own internal desire. A straight dictionary definition of “needy” deals primarily with money – but the Urban dictionary defines needy in a way that better fits the way we’re using it: 

“Requiring attention beyond what is normative.” 

A sub who is “needy” – who demands attention to their plight – doesn’t make a very good submissive, because the motivation for their actions is self-serving. They are trying to quench their own desires. And, once satiated (if that’s even possible), and they are no longer needing fulfillment, their motivation disappears. This is what I’ve been terming sub-centric behavior. The focus of the sub is not on pleasing the dominant, it’s on satisfying their own need by whatever means necessary. 

I would argue that, anything which increases the amount of neediness in a sub, increases the amount of sub-centric intent that person has. This might even be considered “by definition”, if you really think about it. 

So, if that’s true, motivating a sub by creating neediness is counter-productive – if your aim is to create a dominant-centric dynamic. You’re driving that sub to more and more sub-centricity – focusing him more and more on the end-goal of satisfying HIMSELF. No matter how immediately effective it is in the short term, I think it’s a bad technique for the long term. 

The short-term effects of neediness, if not addressed, often wear off, unless the dominant chooses to reinforce that neediness – to maintain it. The concern for the dominant is to make sure that the sub does not get complacent or comfortable – which would reduce the desire and therefore the motivation for compliance. So, they find themselves being forced to track and monitor the sub’s level of desire – perhaps manipulate it to keep it piqued. That’s a lot of work, if you ask me. 

So regardless of whether it “works” or not, the tactic of increasing neediness as a means of motivation is not something I would want in my dynamics (or FLRs) because it is not something that builds the kind of consistent self-discipline a sub requires to dedicate himself to his submission for the long term – something he will require if he is to remain submissive, independent of his level of need (which varies over time). 

Some will argue that “a sexually satisfied sub is a lazy sub” and theories like this that suggest a sub male who is allowed to orgasm on a regular basis becomes lazy and inattentive to his dominant’s desires and needs. They then conclude that one of the things that a dominant must do is to increase his need by not allowing him to orgasm regularly through T&D, chastity, etc. 

This is only true if you allow it to be true. If you allow this presumption to have merit, it will. Submission is an outward expression of dedication to another person, not an inward reflection of one’s own desperation. I enjoy T&D, but it does not build submission. 

Reward vs. Internal Benefit 

Others argue that, “No human being ever does anything without the prospect of a reward”. This is quite a skeptical statement, just from a societal standpoint, but the real argument is in the use of the word “Reward”. 

I use the word “reward” differently the words “personal benefit”. To me, a reward is something you get for something from the person for whom you did the task. It is often something promised in advance and used to entice a person to complete a task. It is a form of payment. In this context, I don’t agree that people need a reward to do something. On the other hand, I do agree that people are motivated by the benefits for themselves. A sub who enjoys to serve benefits from the dynamic as much as the person being served. But that benefit comes from within themselves. 

It’s not just semantics. A sub who serves because he loves the feeling of making the dominant happy receives his benefit from within. The dominant doesn’t give him happiness, he experiences it himself because submission works for him. Does he benefit? Of course! But is the dominant obligated to provide something to him in exchange for his service? No. A reward would be something given to the submissive IN EXCHANGE, OR REMEDIATION, FOR their submission. The phrase “Submission is its own reward” is a little misleading, in my opinion. That type of “reward” is a self-appropriated benefit. It’s not the same thing as if the dominant rewarded the sub for their service. 

I think that’s the same differentiation for the use of the word “Needy”. A sub who is needy is one who is demanding that the dominant fulfill that need. Whether they come out and demand it, or just act up to get attention, or whose service suffers because of their selfish desires. Needing to submit is something that the sub can fulfill for themselves through their own actions. It’s not something that they are demanding that the dominant provide. 

The one who is obligated, matters 

I frequently encounter couples where the dominant feels “obliged” to think up things for the submissive to do…to keep the submissive busy and fulfilled in their submission. The submissives in these situations are completing their tasks as quickly as they can, and then immediately searching for more. 

Wanting more tasks to do and pestering a dominant to think up more tasks are two very different things. How the submissive materializes his need determines how much attention he requires. A submissive who completes his task and then hounds his dominant with “What’s Next” questions isn’t serving the dominant. However, if he completes a task he can continue to serve by following the wishes and preferences of his dominant – if she likes proactive service, he can seek out new tasks and things to do by himself without forcing her to focus on him. If she doesn’t like proactive service, then he can serve by simply being quiet and patiently awaiting her next order – making himself ready and willing without requiring attention. 

Many will argue that, when we are in a relationship, we are “responsible” for fulfilling the needs of our partners – D/s or otherwise. That it is the job of one partner to fulfill the others’ needs. 

The way I see it, we are responsible for our own happiness. I view obligation in a relationship slightly differently. When we’re in a relationship, we care about our partners. We consider their needs. We recognize that mutual satisfaction of needs is something that is required for a relationship to last – When needs are not met in a relationship, the relationship is in jeopardy. We want our partners to be fulfilled. This doesn’t change because you have a power dynamic. The difference between helping a partner feel fulfilled and being responsible for their happiness. 

Believing that you have an obligation to fulfill your partner’s desires is a kind of old-fashioned thought. I look at it as a much more natural extension of caring. I don’t feel OBLIGATED, but I feel joy in knowing I can make him happy and fulfill his desires. That’s part of what creates the bond between two partners. I don’t do things for my husband because it’s my obligation to do them – I do them because I love him and want to see him happy. It’s natural and non-burdening. 

Just as in a non-power-based relationship, I find joy in seeing my submissive happy. I do things for him, just because he enjoys them, because I care for him and love to see him happy. However, we have a power dynamic and therefore, the things he does for me, he does because he is my submissive and has committed to serve me. He granted me, by virtue of his commitment to serve me, the entitlement to EXPECT and DEMAND that he fulfills my every wish; need or want. Just being in a relationship doesn’t give you the right to demand. It gives you the right to walk away from the relationship if you don’t get what you need – but it does not entitle you to demand fulfillment of your wants. The D/s power commitment obligates the submissive and entitles the dominant. 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, Ms. Rika, neediness, obligation, reward, submission

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