Photographer: Dexx Model: Mistress Lucy Mistress Lucy is back in this wickedly fun photo spread and she’s looking at YOU. Her mind is brimming with ways to tease and torture in her dungeon. What will she come up with next? Mistress Lucy is a professional dominatrix based in Los Angeles, CA. For more information or to contact her regarding sessions, visit her web site.
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Slave Contracts: Part One
“The elephant in the room.” You’ve heard that expression a million times. For us at Kink Weekly, the “elephant in the room” is Fifty Shades of Grey. It has brought a kinda-sorta BDSM consciousness to the masses; its effects, both good and bad, cannot be ignored. This article will not address the pros and cons of this film, but rather it will expand on one of the most discussed aspect of it – slave contracts. While BDSM styles, protocols and rituals come and go, slave contracts endure. Slave contracts, to this day, are an integral part of many D/s and BDSM relationships. Why?
First, they are sexy. One cannot get hotter than a paragraph that says, “I will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master…”
Second, they remind the Dom/me and the sub of their duties during the term of the contract.
Third, they do render a small amount of legal protection were issues of consent to arise. (One cannot legally consent to being beaten; but a contract with the word “consensual” in it can mitigate some legal concerns.)
Finally, they are fun.
As an exclusive to Kink Weekly, we have compiled a number of slave contracts. After all, one size does NOT fit all. Surely, with the selection we are presenting, you will find a template that fits your needs. And remember, these contracts are subject to negotiation!
This first contract is the one I use. It is not open ended, has some great general rules and contains a safe word. (Although some High Protocol Masters eschew the safe word, I always use it.) This contract covers a lot of the bases – especially addressing “Work Rules of Conduct.” And the “I” is in lower case to reinforce submission!
Master/Mistress and Slave
Of my own free will and out of a desire to express my love and devotion to the man (woman) i love and adore, i offer myself in slavery to my Master for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.
Although i consider myself to be slave full-time to Master, during the time period expressed above, i will devote myself completely and totally to the pleasure and desires of my Master, without hesitation or consideration of myself or others.
General Rules
The slave agrees to obey her Master in all respects. his/her mind, body, heart and time belong to Him . The slave accepts the responsibility of using her safe word (red!) or safe signal (to be agreed upon) when necessary, and trusts implicitly in her Master to respect the use of that safe word. If a condition arises in which the slave needs to use the safe word or gesture, her Master will assess the situation, and determine an appropriate course of action.
The slave shall keep her body available for the use of her Master at all times. In addition, the slave agrees that her Master possesses the right to determine whether others can use her body and what use they may put it to. The Master will discuss all such instances in advance with the slave, to be certain that such play with others will not violate any established limits. The slave shall demonstrate her acceptance of her role of service and availability at all times while at home and at other times and places specified by her Master. The slave acknowledges that her Master may use her body or mind in any manner He wishes within the parameters of safety. He may hurt her without reason to please Himself. The slave enjoys the right to cry, scream or beg, but accepts the fact that these heartfelt expressions will not affect her treatment. Further, she accepts that if her Master tires of her noise, he may gag her or take other actions to silence her.
The slave will answer any questions put to her honestly and directly, and will volunteer any information her Master should know about her physical or emotional condition. While her Master expects His slave to speak honestly and forth rightly about anything that bothers her, she is not to interpret that as permission to whine or complain. she will phrase her concerns politely and respectfully, and then gracefully accept her Master’s judgment in these matters without further complaint.
The slave will always speak of her Master in terms of love and respect. She will address him at all times as either “Master” or “Sir” (see Public Rules of Conduct).
The Master may give the slave “free periods” in His presence during which the slave may express herself openly and freely. There will be no punishments applied during “free periods.” It is understood, however, that the slave will continue to address her Master with respect and love at all times and that deviations from the rule are subject to punishment at a later time.
The slave agrees that severe punishment may be assessed for any infraction of the letter or spirit of the contract, and will accept the correction gratefully. The form and extent of the punishment shall be at the Master’s pleasure, and the Master shall make it clear to the slave that she is being punished when punishment occurs. The Master shall endeavor not to inflict physical harm upon the slave that might require the attention of anyone outside the relationship. Master and slave agree that in extremes either may activate a free period by using the safe word. The free period will continue until both parties agree that the problem(s) concerned are resolved.
The slave is permitted to engage in any and all activities not actively forbidden by the contract or by later edict of the Master. All rights and privileges not otherwise noted in this contract belong to the Master, and He may exercise them as He chooses.
Private Rules of Conduct
On days when her Master is at work, the slave will greet Him wearing her collar, wrist restraints, and a shirt belonging to her Master. She will wear no underclothes in His presence unless given permission. On days when the Master is home, the slave will wear whatever is deemed appropriate by her Master. When in the same room as her Master, the slave will ask permission before leaving the room, explain where she is going, and why. At mealtimes, the slave will serve her Master, and sit at His feet while He eats. Food for the slave will be given by the Master at His discretion. When speaking to her Master or being spoken to by Him, the slave will assume a demeanor of alert attention and will meet her Master’s eyes directly, unless instructed to do otherwise.
Public Rules of Conduct
The slave will conduct herself at all times in such a manner as to not call attention to Master and slave. she will call her Master/Mistress by His/Her name only if the use of “Master” is inappropriate. The slave will defer to her Master in public. The slave may dress herself, but must seek approval of any clothing she wishes to wear in public. Unless specifically stated otherwise, the slave may not wear panties.
Work Rules of Conduct
No part of the agreement is intended to interfere with the slave’s career. The Master wishes the slave to work hard and honestly, in general to conduct herself in a manner calculated to bring honor and respect to them both. During periods of work, the slave is permitted to schedule appointments, to dress in a manner appropriate to work, and to leave the house when necessary. During periods of work, the slave may answer the telephone and discuss business without the expressed permission of her Master. With my signature below, i agree to accept and obey all preceding rules as well as any rules my Master may choose to issue at a later date. i gratefully consign by body and soul to my Master for His pleasure and use for the contract period noted above.
_____________________________________________ slave __________________ Date
I accept My slave’s desire to serve Me more fully, and take responsibility for her well-being, training and discipline to more perfectly serve My will.
_________________________________________ Master/Mistress _________________ Date
For those of you who wish a shorter, more general and yet more sexually based slave contract, I offer the following:
Slave Contract
This contract sets out the conditions of mutual consent under which _________________________ is to be held in sexual bondage and the terms of her enslavement.
Of my own free will, I offer myself in slavery to my Master/Mistress for the period beginning on __________ and ending at noon on_____________.
This contract also affirms that she/he shall be offered the use of a safe word (safe word: _______), the use of which in any situation whatsoever automatically stops any activity at that time.
Slave also has the right to cancel any and all conditions of this contract at any time.
Conditions:
I accept sexual use and abuse of my body while under discipline for any purpose.
I accept that I shall be placed in and kept under strict discipline within the negotiated time limit.
I accept any form of punishment meted out to me while under discipline.
I accept any form of restraint and chastisement, administered as Master desires.
I accept that the various forms of torment to which I am to be subjected may cause suffering. I wish it to be known through this document that I am aware that any such suffering is part of my training program.
I accept that I am subject to the absolute rule of my Master and those to whom he delegates that rule. This may be taken to mean that I am subject to sale, exchange, or loan without redress to those of corresponding status with my Master, but only within the context of this contract.
I accept that subtle rebellion is expected of me, and lack of it taken to the point of docility is likely to terminate this contract.
I accept that no form of disobedience will be tolerated when in the company of my Master, other Masters or Mistresses and slaves and that I must conduct myself precisely as instructed on each specific occasion.
I accept that I remain under the disciplinary code imposed by this contract at all times and am bound by it’s terms and conditions in all situations, whether closely supervised or not.
I _________________________, do set my signature to this document of my own free will, thus becoming the property of _____________________________, in full understanding that I may be used for any sexual or disciplinary purpose whatsoever, without prior limits.
SIGNED: _____________________________________ slave Date: ____________
SIGNED: _____________________________________ Master Date: ____________
Next week, we will be presenting two more slave contracts, one of which will include collaring. With this selection, we hope you
can find the right slave contract for your relationship.
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
A New Look at Pain
One of the most pervasive questions in this lifestyle is whether pain is essential in a BDSM relationship. The answer is an unequivocal “no.” One can have an awesome Doninant/submissive partnership with absolutely no pain being involved. It could be a sex slave arrangement, a service slave situation or any number of D/s unions. Then again, there could only be symbolic or light pain involved. A hand spanking when a submissive misbehaves or a light crop on the palms can be the basis of a very hot D/s relationship. Or just a light hand spanking in a kinky vanilla relationship. (After all, this is Kink Weekly!) The possibilities are virtually endless. We have no scientific data, but we would bet the number of non pain or light pain relationships far outnumber those using significant pain. Of course, the Sadist who whips his masochist in a dungeon attracts more attention than the Master with a sex slave whose service is limited to the bedroom. But, that is just the way it would appear to a casual observer; on closer analysis, it does not mean that pain is the preferred, or more popular, way to go. There is no one right way to do BDSM. That being said, the question remains, why is pain often an integral part of a BDSM relationship? What we propose is that there are three distinct aspects to pain that make it so pervasive. We will term this trio “the ‘Story of O’ effect,” “the subspace effect” and “the bonding effect.” Let’s examine them in order.
1. The “Story of O effect” alludes to the landmark novel of Dominance and submission by Paulene Reage, available for free. which took the world by storm in the seventies. At its core is the old school romantic proposition that a slave will do things for her/his Dominant that he/she would not do for anyone else. “Suffering for one’s Master” as a sign of submission. The novel, and a subsequent movie, has some odd, and debatable, takes on love and sacrifice; but, the overall message is that the devotion a slave has to her Master/Mistress can be judged by the amount of pain the slave takes. As BDSM progressed from the 70’s, this concept evolved into the common practice of pushing the submissive’s limits. Here the submissive/slave (for convenience, we will use these terms interchangeably) is being taken to places that she would not ordinarily go to for any other Dominant. “Pushing limits” does not have the verbal pizzazz, nor the romantic luster, that “Suffering for one’s Master” does. But, the effect can be almost identical. In both instances, we are using pain thresholds as a way of measuring the dedication of a submissive.
2. The “subspace effect” is commonly intertwined with the “Story of O effect.” Subspace often occurs during a pain session. What is this mysterious state called “subspace?” Although subspace will be explained in another Kink Weekly article (amazingly, it is titled “Subspace!”), it can safely be stated that subspace is a mental/physical state caused by a rush of endorphins flooding the body. Among subs who have experienced it, it is likened to “flying.” In fact, “flying” is a synonym for it. By all accounts, subspace is an incredible high. And here is the hook: it is accessed most easily and predictably by…guess what…pain!
The most effective way of putting a submissive into subspace is to spank/flog/cane him/her over a period of time. (Note: always observe safe words during BDSM play.) To put it succinctly, pain is popular because it works. As opposed to the “Story of O” effect, one does not have to push limits to get a submissive to fly. Moderate, or even light pain over a longer period of time, can be just as effective as extreme pain. Besides, what one person’s sting can be another person’s hurt.
3. The “bonding effect” might be an even more notable facet of pain than the previous two – if only on a subconscious level. Rarely spoken about in BDSM circles, its bonding power can be unbelievably potent. It appears the pain/pleasure/endorphin dynamic that is actuated when pain is given and received brings the duo together in unique ways. Whether they are play partners or a Dom/sub couple, the trust involved in pain play invariably bonds the two people together. Even casual players develop a close friendship that is deeper than being just golfing partners. Add into this the enjoyment that the Dominant gets from flogging – and even marking – a submissive. Perhaps this is one of the great appeals of pain!
Taken in totality, when these three aspects of pain are actuated, the partners can amplify any type of BDSM relationship they have agreed too. Light pain, medium pain or heavy pain can all be equally effective. Whatever pain threshold you decide to work with, the concept of three “effects of pain” might give you an insight into its power. After all, pain can be a potent tool for pleasure!
by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
How To Connect With A Submissive On FetLife
One of the most common questions we get from readers is how to meet fellow like-minded kinky people for play or dating. There are a lot of different answers to this, but in this article I want to cover Fetlife as a way to meet people. This builds on Jenn Masri’s earlier article about >FetLife Etiquette.
While FetLife is intended to be a social network more than a dating or hook up site, people do of course message and meet each other on the site. As a submissive woman, I get a lot of messages from dominant men looking to connect. Based on comparing notes with other submissive women, this is not unusual. So if you want to meet people in this way, it pays to put some thought into how you go about it in order to stand out from the crowd in a positive way and maximize your chance of getting a reply.
There is a misconception that when corresponding online, normal rules, etiquette, and general politeness can be tossed out the window. For FetLife specifically, many assumptions are made due to someone listing themselves as a submissive, bottom, etc. I’m writing from the point of view of a female submissive, but this information can be utilized across all dynamics and orientations because my preferred method of communication is based on mutual respect.
Another point to note is that a lot of female submissives/bottoms receive many many messages, so it’s important to make your message comprehensive enough to garner a response but not to shock someone into ignoring you forever. I think there is a misconception that a crazy, off the wall message will at least get a reaction, but it will be the wrong kind. It’s also best to avoid overly complimentary messages. They show little substance and are also the most commonly received, poorly thought out type of message. Instead, focus on other information you can glean from the submissive’s profile that can indicate that you have actually read it (most people don’t, so this is an easy way to set yourself apart). Maybe they list an interest in pet play or mention they enjoy rope that you share a commonality with or desire to try. Focus on the non-superficial aspects and close with an open-ended question that requires something beyond a yes or no response. Finally, strive to never come across as needy, desperate, or angry. A good friend once told me, “He who loses his cool always loses.” You don’t want to be that weird guy typing angrily at his computer because someone didn’t respond or responded rudely to you.
Let’s start by looking at some examples of what NOT to say. The following are real examples of messages I have received on FetLife. I’ve “cleverly” covered the names and photos to protect the clueless.
1. Domly Dom
This is a common approach used in general – having a quippy subject line to get the receiver to open it, it’s a good tactic but not in this example. This person assumes too much. They believe their Domly Dom message will make me melt into a puddle. On the contrary, it did quite the opposite – this is a total turn off. Yes, I have been brought to my knees by a Dom but not by you, and you now will never have that opportunity.
Instead: This type of talk can be a real turn on but everything has to come in steps and with trust. Had he engaged me like a regular human being, then this type of talk would eventually not be too far off.
2. Boner Dom
No, I’m not particularly interested. If you’re on FetLife for sex, that’s perfectly fine, but there is a proper way to go about meeting other like-minded people, such as respectfully stating your interests. Once again, this is a failure to approach a person as a regular person.
Instead: This falls in the similar vein as the Domly Dom message. A polite introduction followed by an outline of this person’s interests would have been a better approach and much less polarizing. Many people want to find someone right away without any effort, but in order to find quality people, you have to do the legwork.
3. Quick Escalation
I recently went out of town.. Prior to my trip, I was reaching out to some local kinksters and joining a few events via RSVP’s. I received this message out of that:
There are a few issues with this message. I kind of took a big risk even responding in the first place as this guy’s profile photo was a picture of his penis in comparison to an air freshener can. In my experience, people with these types of photos as their profile picture are typically on FetLife for hooks ups; you can read more about that in this FetLife Etiquette article. While he did admit that he was new-which would explain the direction the conversation went, to go straight to propositioning me for sex is extremely inappropriate. I had never given any indication that this would be something in which I’d be interested. The funniest part about this situation is while on my trip, I was talking with one of my friends and she specifically mentioned getting a weird message from a guy whose profile photo matched the exact description of this one; it was the same guy! Girls talk and if you give off a weird vibe, word travels fast.
Instead: He could have offered to meet in person or even speak to my Dominant first to see if there would be an interest for this type of play.
4. Blank Dom
Now, there is nothing horrible about this message. However, at the time of writing, his profile was blank and he had no photo. I’ll give more appreciation to someone who has at the very least put forth effort to fill out a profile, even if it’s short. The blank profile photo is understandable as many folks cannot show their face, but put something there. It shows inexperience and laziness to not include an avatar.
Instead: At the very least, have a “filler photo.” I am not a fan of using photos that don’t belong to you, but take a photo of something and post it. Some people will post play toys that they own or lingerie in lieu of a face pic.
5. The Eager Beaver
Take notice of the time mark between the two messages. This guy hit me up with the “hey beautiful lady” and barely twenty four hours passed before he fired back with this needy, desperate, and not funny response. Remember, tonality is lost in text and online communication, so while you think you may sound funny to yourself, the general “tone” will be lost on your receiver. I also hate to tell you all that his profile photo WAS HIS PENIS BEING COMPARED TO AN AIR FRESHENER CAN! I cannot make this up. I should start a collection of genitals in comparison to inanimate objects album. This just reinforces my theory that genital profile pictures usually belong to people who are creepy and weird.
Instead: I have nothing for this one other than don’t be desperate. Or, if you are in fact desperate then try not to come across that way. Politely pinging someone a second time if they don’t respond is perfectly fine – but give it a few days before circling back.
6. Mixed Messages
This message is nonsense. It comes from someone who must be inexperienced, but what does he want from me? He compliments me but then says he prefers to switch but then wants me to submit. I often get messages that say “Hey, you’re beautiful just stopping by to say hi.” This is a very low value message and is crafted in such a way as to not have much of an opening for the sender to be rejected. The sender believes that I’ll swoon over the compliments and respond. It also will usually garner no response from me.
Switching gears a bit, let’s move away from the negative and on to some constructive advice. Here are a few examples of great FetLife messaging techniques. These people deserve gold stars in the vast land of online correspondence.
1. Unique Approach
This was a well thought out message. I honestly had a blank profile at the time of this writing, but he took the time to craft a unique message to me that does not completely focus on my looks. I do have a small inkling that he does use this type of message often, but it was well written.
2. Short and Sweet
This one was short and to the point. It included a compliment and a specific “action” question regarding seeking partners.
3. Intrigued
Another well thought out, specific to the receiver message. He also tells me something about himself that is beyond the general and obvious.
I hope these examples help outline some best practices for strong, online correspondence. Let me know about your FetLife messenger stories-I love to hear about the good, the bad, and the ugly. And, if you have had success messaging people on Fet – share your secrets!
Stay tuned for a future article on how to approach a potential submissive/bottom in person!
Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.
BDSM Dungeon Etiquette
So you’re new and ready to go to your first play party? Or perhaps you’ve been going to play parties for a while and started letting basic etiquette slip? Oh yes, it’s usually the people who should know better that I see making faux pas! So let’s go over the most common play party do’s and don’ts.
CLEAN! This is in reference mostly to the equipment and furniture you are using for a scene. However, I also advise that you clean your toys. But hey, that’s on you and if we aren’t playing then you and your partner can cover that. Back to the furniture, though, you should clean it before you play as well as after you’re done. Some people may complain, “but I’m the first one to use it, so why clean it first?” While you may be the first one on it at that party – you have no idea what happened on it the night before or before the party started – especially if you are at a dungeon that offers pro sessions. It could have been used 30 minutes before the party doors opened. Plus, if you aren’t the first ones on it that means someone else (hopefully) cleaned it – but did they clean all the parts you will be using? Did they clean it correctly? Better to be safe than sorry.
SPACE! Giving those in a scene the space they need. Stand back, give them room. Do NOT get up close and personal. You are not involved in the scene and it is not ok to invite yourself! It doesn’t matter if they are doing something interesting that you don’t have a good view of. If you want to know more about it then wait for a better time later in the evening to approach them and ask. Also, if whips or floggers are being thrown, go around! Don’t complain if you get hit because you walked through someone’s scene.
SHHHHHHH! Be mindful of your voice and socializing. If you want to socialize there are areas in every club meant just for that. If you’re watching a scene but want to say something to your friend next to you – get in their ear and whisper. Keep the conversation to a minimum. If you are setting up for a scene or just finished – again – be mindful of your non-scene noise level. Keep your voice down as much as possible. Too much “non-scene” talking can really pull people out of their head space that are playing around you. On the other side of this issue you may be the one who is trying to do a scene and it’s other people being loud. Simply gesture to them to lower the volume in a respectful way. Most people get carried away and don’t realize their voices got louder. Typically a small reminder is enough. If that doesn’t work, well, keep reading.
EQUIPTMENT HOG! Hogging equipment can take two forms. Time and space. At some clubs you may have a time limit on your scene. In this case it won’t matter because you won’t have a choice but to give up your play space at the designated time. However, most clubs do not time scenes. Therefore, you should consider how many people are in attendance and how much of a demand there is for play stations. Be considerate. If it’s a busy party don’t play for hours. The other issue is space. I see it all too often – people wandering around (sometimes including me!) looking for an area to play and there are perfectly good spaces that are covered in the toys or bags of the people scening on the next station over. Not cool. First of all – if you have a million bags but have a specific scene planned, try to consolidate your toys before heading to the party. Beyond that – look for a place to put your bag/toys that is within your station. Don’t use a play table for storage. If you’re concerned about putting your things on the floor, bring a towel to throw down.
DON’T INTERRUPT! I don’t care if you get to a party and are really excited to see a friend of yours but they’re in a scene or you are leaving and really want to say bye to someone who is in a scene. Don’t interrupt if A, you haven’t been invited into the scene or B, there isn’t an urgent situation. That said, let’s look at these two exceptions. Being invited into a scene can take on two forms. One, all involved have consented to you joining the scene to bottom, top or assist in a positive way. Lovely, have fun. Two, the Top has requested for you to enter a scene because they need assistance in an urgent situation. Perhaps they have their bottom suspended and they need to come down faster than expected. The Top knows they have time to bring the bottom down safely, however, asks you to lift one leg (for example) to make it easier for them to loosen the rope. There could be a million similar situations, but you get the picture. In this situation you do ONLY what the Top has asked you to do. You are not automatically granted consent for anything else. I have seen this happen where the person is asked to assist to lift a bottom’s leg and decided that meant he could also let his fingers wander to her “naughty bits”. NO! NO! Only do what you are asked – nothing more. Moving on to the other exception – the urgent situation. This may be a thing like someone needs to move their car or risk getting towed or the club is closed/party is over and they need to wrap it up. Yes, these examples are situations where the person should have taken a few more steps in personal responsibility, however, that’s a different issue for another article! So you need to get their attention but they are mid-scene. Make eye contact with the Top and gesture to them that you need to tell them something. Most Tops will assume that if you are interrupting it must be important. Once you let them know what’s going on then assess what needs to happen. If the Top needs to walk away from their bottom then they need to put them in a safe position and make sure someone they trust stays with them. Another option is to have someone else handle the problem so they can stay with their partner. NEVER just leave a bottom unattended mid-scene!
Not interrupting also applies to when people are in aftercare! Aftercare is an extension of the scene. If it’s obvious that people are in aftercare – treat them as if they were still playing. If you aren’t sure, make eye contact with the Top, the person most “present”, or the person you know best, and ask if they are up for chatting.
GET HELP! So you follow all the rules, politely ask people to keep it down, etc. Great! What happens, however, when you need assistance? Here are a couple reasons this may happen. One, a bottom my call red and you don’t see the Top stopping or perhaps someone seems like they are in extreme distress to you. Especially if you’re newer to the scene and public play – you may be reading the scene wrong. This is a good time to express your concern to a DM (Dungeon Monitor). DMs have typically been trained to assess scenes and situations in the club. They are usually easily identified via an arm band, sash, or badge. Another time you should get a DM or the party host is when you are having a personal issue with someone. If you have politely asked someone to decrease their volume or give you more space and they repeatedly ignore your requests – ask for assistance. It’s not your job to personally take on someone being rude or unruly.
BONUS TIP! HYGIENE! Stinky is not sexy!! Come to the party clean, use deodorant, brush your teeth. This doesn’t mean swim in cologne! I, personally, always have a deodorant stick in my toy bag in case I need to re-apply post play.
Overall – be aware, be respectful and if you don’t know, ask. These tips will get you far and a more pleasant party experience for everyone!!
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.
Erotica: Lady O
After my first session of submission with Stephanie, I was even more hooked on BDSM. Each time I arrived, I would find her skill showed marked improvement over the previous session, each time showing me what a Domme can do and helping feed my desires to move from self-bondage to submission.
Our second session was more rope tying. When I arrived, she let me in and directed me to strip and kneel with my back to the door that entered the room. I did as requested and waited for her to approach. When she entered she stood right behind me over my legs. The heat from her body merging with my own. She did not need to do anything more to indicate her presence. Her warmth was enough and put me at ease as she put a blindfold over my eyes. She stepped away for a moment and then returned.
When she was close to me, she began to bind my arms. Starting with my elbows, she wrapped them with a rope and started to pull them together. She did not stop until my elbows touched. Already, I could tell her experience had found better ways to secure me. She followed up with roping my wrists together, which left me completely vulnerable to her.
Sensing my thoughts, she came around to my front and started to flick my nipples. Within moments my nipples were perking up and I immediately found them held by a constant pinch. The pinch was similar to last time, but not as strong. I could feel her touch my skin at about an inch down from my nipple.
She continued to repeat on my other side below my other nipple. Then she would alternate back to the other side and continue another inch down. Over a period of what felt like an eternity, the pinching became long lines down my chest to along my thighs. I would sometimes twitch, which would wiggle those areas that already pinched me. Any subtle movement imparted pain from each pinching spot and I would find myself focusing hard to get through the feeling. When she stopped, I was relieved for the brief period I was untouched, but that was short lived.
I could hear her walk to the closet and pulled something out. Standing behind me again, I was sure this was not the moment where she was going to take off the blindfold.
“Open your mouth'” she said.
Given the situation, I was not in any way going to argue with what she was doing. Doing so would surely cause something negative to occur. As instructed I opened my mouth. I soon found a bit gag that was being tightly secured deep into my mouth. Crossing my mouth from left to right and pulling so deep in that my back teeth were catching hold of the bit.
Walking away again she picked out another item from the closet. Upon her return she quickly made me aware of what the item was.
*thawp*
The stinging, familiar pain found the back of my thighs. The feeling was sharp, then dulled after a few moments. She must have sensed the right time to strike, as the pain was becoming less and my mind was coming back from the reaction as she struck me again. This became a repeated pattern. Her goal to keep me bound and registering pain at an almost constant level or higher.
The continued impacts of the cane upon my body made me twitch. The twitching would cause the pinching on my front to hurt more from all the spots on my body. I could tell that she had to be enjoying the reactions, as I lost track of time and all other focuses of the world. After what seemed like an eternity she stopped caning me, which allowed me to focus on the pinching pain on my front. To focus on controlling myself and withstanding the torture.
She walked to in front of me and proceeded to remove the blindfold. Tilting my head up to look at her as light returned to my vision. My eyes blinded for a few moments as they adjusted to the return the sense of sight. When I could see clearly it was then that I noticed a pair of strings in her hand that dropped straight down between us.
“Would you like me to remove what is attached to these strings?” she flaunted.
I did not move and inch. I was not sure what she meant to do or why. I dared not break eye contact with her to find out what these strings were attached to and how.
“I’ll take your silence and unmoving body as acceptance,” she said backing away.
It was then I was able to look at where the strings went. The pinching was from clothes pins. Each side was connected together with the string. As soon as she noticed the hint of dread in my eyes, she yanked on the strings with great ferocity.
I gripped the bit gag with my teeth as the pain of the pinches tugged at my skin, the feeling of my flesh being torn from my body came forth as she did so. This was a rather intense pain. I was not sure what could have made that worse, but I hoped I would not find out.
She walked up slowly and teased me. Looking me in the eyes as she rubbed the spots where clothespins had been moments before. I didn’t look where she looked, but I watched as she smiled. Enjoying the feeling of what had to be impressions upon my skin at each spot and the look in my eyes as she touched each sore one. A look of satisfaction and pleasure came forth beyond that devilish smile. As painful as it was, I found enjoyment in pleasing her.
I was sure she meant it as a way to tease me, as she reached around my body in almost a hug. After a few moments, I was unbound and my arms dropped to my sides in soreness. Yet, I was not given much time to rest or analyze my experience.
“I want you to become a table,” she said. ” Get down on all fours and become the best human table ever.”
Puzzled, I thought about her command did as she asked and became a table. Using her cane she swatted those areas of my body that displeased her as a means to perfect my position for adjustments. Spreading my legs a bit more, lowering my back, then when happy she walked out of the room. I wanted to see her walk away, but I resisted. My mind still lost on the pain from early and trying to understand what she had in mind for me now. I expected her to bring back candle wax, but that was not what she brought.
“Now, if you spill this, then we will have issues,” she said. “I do not want a mess on my nice clean carpet.”
When she was finished speaking, I felt something on the small of my back. The object felt cold and smooth with a circular base.
“That is my glass of water.” she said. “Don’t spill that cup, as it is quite full.”
Without being able to see the cup, I had to assume it was filled to the edge of the lip of the glass. I also assumed it was a tall glass as it felt quite heavy upon where it was placed upon me. I tried to not move as best I could. Then it happened.
*smack*
A soft, but stingy blow came across my ass. I twitched just enough to dribble. What I did not find out until later was that she caught the glass from spilling completely. She tested me quite a few times after that. Trying different objects to hit me with. Pulling on my nipples and even tapping my member with her implements of impact. I was trying to do my best and she was pushing to see how far that extended to self control and power of will.
By the time she was done, our session time had ended. As usual, I was let free and I got dressed. As I was walked out, we swapped pleasantries before I turned to get in my car. I would think about the pain I suffered and the restriction of the bondage. A feeling of euphoria following each time.
Successive sessions that followed between Stephanie and I were good, but they were spaced out because of time and our schedules. Eventually all sessions with her died off in occurrence. After a time we lost contact, as college took more focus than everything else. When the urge to seek out my submissive side pulled at me enough to the point of distraction, I headed back to Craigslist to find a dominant woman to expand my experiences.
My search was as before, with many responses of interest and nibbles from fakes. Some from people that were too scared to commit to meeting in person. Other replies were semi-serious and some were just picture collectors. On occasion I would find a person to meet in public, but that seemed to always fall through. Finally, one email reply caught my attention that I could not easily ignore:
Hello,
I see you are interested in becoming a submissive to a dominant woman. What you seek is not something to take lightly. Though I have watched your posting change and evolve over the passing months, I also understand that you have been submissive before to Stephanie. I’ll admit that she was a good start for you, but should you wish to experience far more from a woman that can train you well, then reply to this email. Don’t be shocked on how I know you were with her. Just know that some circles are smaller than others, but also have far more discretion.
Perhaps you will be the one to meet my needs and expectations, but that is something only you can prove.
I’ll be waiting…
For the rest of the day, I was no longer focused on work. All I could think of is what to do and how soon work was going to be finished. A few people wondered if I was feeling ill, but I brushed it off as nothing at all. Though afterwards I thought better of it and should have taken the option to fake sickness. At least then I could have relaxed at home or been given more time to prepare myself.
When work day finally came to its end, I proceeded home. Lost in thought of what to do. I walked in the door and took a shower. Though I took far longer than normal, perhaps hoping the heat and water would cleanse my mind for what to do.
When I came out of the shower I sat down on the couch. Taking my phone out, I looked at the message again. With a
deep breath I typed a reply and pressed send. I was committed to what was to come.
Phil K comes with creative talents ranging from writing to photography. His photos invoke thoughts and desires to make you want to engage with the images, while the stories make you long to be in them and never end. You can view his work here. Helives near Royal Oak in Southeast Michigan.
How to make a Fox Flogger
Dexx took me to New Zealand for a vacation. You can read about our full adventures here. While in town, we arranged a photoshoot with flogger craftsman NZSilverfox (NZSF for short) owner of Fox Floggers. He offered to take me under his wing as his apprentice for the day. Upon arrival, we went straight to his workroom a.k.a “the man cave.”
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I swept the floor and he showed us a few examples of flogger handles that were in the works and some finished floggers and dragon tales. His floggers are unique due to the flared handle style and vibrant colors. Typically, he uses concentrated food coloring to dye the wood as that seems to absorb more quickly than regular wood stain.
 Check out the size of that one! |  Just giving one a “test drive” |
Next, I stripped down to my skivvies and we began by choosing the wood. He has enough wood for a lifetime of floggers and then some! We went with the leg of a solid wood table his friend was getting rid of. Rather than going in the rubbish bin, it went into his stock of wood-to-be-made-into-naughty-things.
The original table leg the handle came from
I let NZSF handle this partWith the wood selected and cut, we measured out the center on each end, and then we were ready to place it in the lathe to carve and shape. For the layman- a lathe is a machine that holds each end of the wood piece and quickly turns it so you can carve and smooth it into the handle. A lathe is typically used to make things like wooden chair and table legs. I really appreciated the way NZSF took into account the grain of the wood, carefully aligning it in such a way as to showcase the most interesting bits. Since we only had a single day to make the flogger, we would be using a beeswax finish-so the grain would be showing through.
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We donned safety glasses and NZSF started up the lathe. He gave me an initial demonstration on how to shape the wood using a metal tool.
 |  I was hesitant at first, barely carving any wood |
At this point, I was a bit concerned that I would hurt myself as I’m rather clumsy and assumed I would somehow manage to cut my hand off. This was not to be the case. NZSF was right there with me the whole time as I actually carved a handle by hand! Woodchips and sawdust were flying everywhere. I was astonished at how quickly the shape took place.
 Getting some assistance |  Finally getting the hang of it-check out those woodchips! |
After we were satisfied with the initial cut, we had to use sandpaper to smooth out the tiny imperfections making sure not to miss the tiny edges and ends.
Next came the beeswax finish. The beeswax itself looked like a yellow block of dried wax. I didn’t understand how that was possibly going to finish off the wood. As soon as NZSF rubbed the wax onto the spinning handle on the lathe, the heat from the friction melted the wax slightly creating a fine smooth finish onto the wood. I was handed the wax to finish off the whole handle. At this point I was slightly more confident with the lathe.
 Giving the beeswax a sniff |  Adding the wax |
Because of the special flared handle design, we needed to cut off a piece at the end on an angle. NZSF always laments that this is his least favorite part because the handle looks so nice and polished.
I won’t quit my day job-not so good at sawingThen, more beeswax needed to be applied to the exposed wood. I got to use an industrial strength, super hot hair dryer to melt the wax onto the handle.
 |  So far so good! |
This process went rather quickly and we soon completed the handle!
Taking a quick torture breakBefore congratulating myself too much, I realized we then had to hand cut the leather for the actual flogger. NZSF presented multiple pieces of leather and we debated on which color and type to use. He likes to evenly distribute the weight of the handle to the type of leather used on the flogger so it’s not too top or bottom heavy. We chose a thick, brown leather that would compliment the pale color of the beeswax finished handle. Next came the actual cutting. This part made me very nervous because once you make one cut it cannot be undone. I was confident that I would somehow make a grave mistake and we would not only waste an entire piece of leather but also have to start over (I also thought I could probably somehow cut my finger off on this one).
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NZSF was not worried in the least. He confidently laid out the hide and cut a rectangle section out. He then taped the ends so it would not slide around and measured out the thin strips along a straight edge. I watched him make the first few cuts and then he handed the blade to me to get to work. This step in the process was probably my least favorite as I was so concerned with making a major mistake. To cut the leather, you have to push the blade really hard. After a few attempts, I let NZSF finish it off.
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To attach the leather, NZSF says he never uses any glue. Instead, he rolls the leather around the handle and hammers tacks onto it. He reinforces the other side of the handle with two more tacks. The flogger was almost complete!
Because we were in New Zealand, NZSF thought it would be fun to add a small detail in the form of a little kiwi bird. So cute! He stamped the bird onto the leather at the base as well as adding his brand onto the inner center of the flogger. The flogger was officially complete! He gave it a test run on my behind to make sure it “worked.” Success!
An apprentice’s work is never done.We had one more flogger to make. NZSF graciously said he wanted us to have one for ourselves. The first flogger is our giveaway this week. NZSF had some premade handles that he let us choose from. Since I had arranged the shoot, Dexx let me pick out the handle I wanted; hot pink it is! (although we could alternatively call it red since that’s more “Domly,” hehe) So all we had to do for this flogger was cut the leather and attach it to the handle. We gave this one a test run on my behind as well. It’s a hard life being a flogger craftsman’s apprentice.
What an amazing day of photography by Dexx and flogger making by NZSF and myself! You can contact NZSF via his FetLife.
Kinky Kiwis in New Zealand
Obligatory tourist picDexx and myself just returned from a long stay in New Zealand. It was the furthest from the United States that I have ever traveled. Aside from the obvious excitement of seeing a new country and going on adventures, I was extremely excited to dive into the kink scene in the city of Auckland. This was the most metropolitan, international destination I’d been to since being outwardly kinky and I was not going to miss the chance to connect with the local kinksters. Prior to our departure, I scoured FetLife for Auckland events and friendly folks from the area. I was not disappointed! I primarily made contact with a local rope instructor, Headmaster2 and NZSilverfox; a flogger craftsman. Not too bad of a start. I RSVP’ed for several events that coincided with our visit and over the ocean we went.
The evening of the first day we were in town, there was to be a play party at The Chili Club, a local swingers bar that holds a BDSM night once a month. We were in luck that the party coincided with our trip! Despite some desperate jetlag, Dexx suited up and I donned my French maid outfit (it was Halloween costume themed) and we set out to see how the Kiwis get kinky. Upon arrival, we were greeted by some very friendly door people-so far so good! We were pleased to see the bar was just as crowded as any of the regular parties we attend in Los Angeles, in fact the party was in full swing. There was a full bar and lounging areas covering several rooms. We toured ourselves around the space and located the main play area. A large room with multiple pieces of play furniture, hard points, and large posters with the club rules were displayed. I was pleased to see they emphasized mutual consent and safety.
The space was full of people mingling; one couple was playing while another was preparing for a rope suspension. We chatted with some of the people present-they were extremely friendly and told us all about the Auckland scene. We were told the scene is very small but not fragmented. Because of the size, everyone has learned to cohabitate and play nice. This means there are no separate play nights for different orientations and dynamics. Everyone plays together at one party. This differs from LA in which all of the clubs host nights for different communities-hetero male tops/female bottoms, gay couple nights, female tops/male bottoms, etc. While there are occasionally parties where everyone comes together, for the most part, the LA community keeps to their individual groups. There is also always some element of drama occurring between one group or another. While the Auckland scene is not without problems, the people generally say that any disagreements are solved rather quickly and with some community assistance. This also helps weed out any individuals who are less than savory, so to speak. One other topic of note was the community at large had greatly expanded over the last few years, thanks in part to a few dedicated individuals hosting munches and classes.
We watched as a few more couples started to play. I spotted Headmaster, my FetLife contact. Dexx encouraged me to approach him to introduce myself. I was greeted very warmly and we discussed the rope classes happening later in the week. I introduced him to Dexx and we met Headmaster’s lovely partner Zylah. We talked for a while until Dexx and I could hardy keep our eyes open (remember the jetlag?). Headmaster kindly invited us over for dinner later in the week and to show us his in home dungeon-an offer we couldn’t refuse! We departed The Chili Club sleepy but happy to have met so many welcoming people.
Fast forward to a few nights later. We located Headmaster’s house by navigation but also by a large “HM” marking a long driveway. Headmaster and Zylah were at the door and informed us we would be having homemade pizza currently being prepared by their friend. The pair gave us a tour of their massive home, situated on several wooded acres of land with a large backyard and pool. It made me slightly envious, as Los Angeles does not always lend itself to such privacy. Their in home dungeon was wonderful! My favorite part was the cage ledge, built into the wall. I wouldn’t mind spending the night in there myself. They were totally stocked in the way of toys and equipment and even had a suspension rig set up. It was great seeing such a fun private dungeon. We enjoyed a quick dinner before Dexx and I had to depart. We hope to meet up in the future with Headmaster and Zylah.
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The fun was not over for us. The following Saturday, we arranged a photo shoot with my other Auckland contact, NZSilverfox. I was his apprentice for a day and helped him make not one but two leather floggers. You can read about his whole process here and sign up to win one of the floggers!
In all, the Auckland kink scene welcomed us with open arms. Generally, most of the local people said they do not receive too many kinky visitors, so we’d like to think the exchange was mutually beneficial. We can’t wait to go back some day. Because of this experience, I’m also comforted by the fact that wherever you go, you can most certainly find a local community of people getting their kink on.
Writer, model, babygirl, submissive. After trying vanilla relationships one time too many, anniebear finally realized her submissive desires and discovered the BDSM community. When not writing for Kink Weekly, she enjoys spankings and being tied with rope.
Opinion: “We are special because we are D/s”
I read a writing today.
It’s good to see someone talking over the pain a breakup can be. Especially a man, who seem to weigh in too rarely.
It’s not good to see it based on this concept:
“Anyone in a long term, committed D/s relationship can attest to the fact that the level of intimacy, trust and communication is unparalleled and can not be duplicated in a vanilla relationship.”
Really? WHY do we have to try to elevate ourselves above other groups so much? Where is this myth coming from?
Confirmation Bias, It’s A Thing
Just to be clear what I’m talking about here:
Confirmation bias (also called confirmatory bias or myside bias) is a tendency for people to favor information that confirms their preconceptions or hypotheses regardless of whether the information is true.
Let me explain a bit… (italics in this section are there for a reason)
So many people come into this lifestyle (We’ll talk about D/s, but know that I mean any lifestyle, including kink, swinging, cuckolding, BDSM, gay, lesbian…) after a lifetime (however long THAT is) of looking for MORE out of life.
Most come here with several failed relationships tucked into their catalog of experiences.
Many come with some idea that THIS may be the THING. Maybe they watched porn, or had dreams of tying people up, or are just naturally bossy. Who knows? Doesn’t matter.
They come, and they see all this companionship and acceptance and traditions and people bowing and kneeling, and think, “A HA! This is awesome. THIS is what I’ve been looking for.”
And so, they throw themselves into it. They join discussion groups, they meet like-minded people who share their views. They are accepted for who they are. They have deep discussions. They participate in activities that bond them with their communities and other individuals.
They have found their place. They have NEVER felt so much themselves, before, ever.
Their next relationship is AMAZING. It’s full of new discoveries, intimacy, and openness and honesty they have never experienced before.
And they KNOW it’s because THIS WORLD, this one they are a part of is just inherently better, because it stresses truth as part of the culture. It stresses soul and trust, and communication as part of it’s relationship strictures. It stresses leadership and roles.
Ok, aside from the specific sections up there that I italicised, this experience is NO DIFFERENT than those who are born again.
That is confirmation bias.
You are searching. You want something. You find something, and think, “YES!” and your mind goes about proving it to be true to you.
And that’s cool! It really is. And it’s probably true. FOR YOU. After all, this relationship you’re in now, is always more likely to be better than the ones before. Because you have experience. And because you are in it now. Very few people go into their next serious relationship thinking, “Oh well, I guess I’ll just take something less than what I had before, since that worked out so poorly…”
And frankly, I’m happy for those who find religion, and make it work for them, too.
However, I am not so happy with those who feel they are somehow the only ones with the knowledge of what’s best, because they finally found something they can believe in, and fit themselves into. That’s just wrong.
But… The TRUST!
Aside from the acknowledged power exchange, a vanilla relationship and a D/s relationship by definition do not have other differences.
Same with a swingers relationship, minus swinging.
Same with a kinky sex relationship minus the kinky sex.
Same as a marriage with children minus the children.
Yes, relationships can be built without 100% trust in the vanilla world. They can in D/s as well. They are. ALL THE TIME.
Logically:
There is no such thing as 200%, 110%, or even 100.000001% of you, of your trust, of your effort. There is just 100%. All the trust you have. All there is. Imagine that that last 1% of trust is that of Abraham to God when commanded to kill Isaac.
Do you have THAT trust in your partner? The trust that would allow you to follow that command, knowing that their is greater good for you in it?
Only you can answer that. I do NOT have that kind of trust in my relationships, D/s or no. I will not kill on faith for the man I love most in the world. I don’t think he’s going to hold that against me, or suggest that I am ‘less true’ in my love for him.
I Call Bullshit
I’m leery of those who suggest that “vanilla” folks cannot trust as much as D/s people. Or that those relationships do not lend themselves to trust.
I do believe that coming into the world of D/s, most people are exposed, for the first time, to a lot of writing and discussion about what makes relationships work.
And many put it into practice for the first time.
However, I know that YOU know, personally, plenty of relationships in D/s that do not communicate much. Some less than the vanilla people you know.
I’m even willing to go so far as to say that D/s communities STRESS trust and communication and such more than vanilla communities. There might even be more of it in D/s relationships, because of making it a priority.
But we are NOT the only one. I promise you that.
And to suggest that we are, and that you are, because you are part of this group is the height of arrogance.
Furthermore, to suggest that you actually know what goes on in other people’s relationships that you have no part in (regardless of what they tell you), and then to compare yours to theirs to make yours look better is just masturbatory self-congratulations.
Do What Works
This is one of my mottos. And I’m stating for the record:
If your D/s relationships are the most intimate and trusting, and {insert whatever positive thing here}, ever FOR YOU, then shout that to the world. I’m happy for you.
Just don’t use that as a judgment call against the sum totality of all other relationships. Life and logic don’t work that way.
Nookie is a mostly FemDom-leaning North Carolina kinkster with a wide variety of
interests, and a penchant for writing and teaching. She and her work
can be found on Fetlife and tumblr.
BDSM Head space
Having a hard time getting into altered head spaces during play?
This article is not for anyone in the community who is happy and healthy with a Labelcentric BDSM Lifestyle, which I respect and support. This article is primarily for those who have never reached an altered head space during play.
Hard time getting into head space?
We hear things around the munches and dungeons all the time, like “submission is a gift, tops don’t bottom, otherwise they would be switches or aren’t true tops, if you don’t figure out your role, no one will want to play with you, and I’m a bottom, so topping is not something I ever want to do,” but do we ever think how these statements truly affect our BDSM experience?
This article is meant to help people understand one of the most challenging obstacles for reaching an altered head space I’ve come across so far.
If you are experiencing trouble with head space, you will likely experience kink like never before if you incorporate some of the following concepts into your life. The primary obstacle to overcome is allowing your heart, genitalia and mind to accept that during play, those people who take on the role of top and dominant are simply “givers” and bottoms and submissives are simply “receivers”. (If you accept this, you can use your name as the label for all other things kinky about yourself.)
Give and receive what?
The giver gives touch, attention, effort, thought, awareness, technique, toys, and experience to name a few – the receiver receives all of what the giver gives as she goes to an altered head space, of which she enjoys on multiple levels, usually feeling healed, recharged and refreshed afterwards. Once a receiver accepts this, her play will do more for her and the giver than she could ever imagine.
Receiver Troubleshooting
Simply put, receivers cannot get into headspace without gratitude and humility in their heart.
If the receiver believes her act of standing there and reacting to impact play is truly a gift to the giver, she will never have the requisite amount of humility or gratitude to get into an altered head space. The more superficially attractive she may be, the harder humility and gratitude will come for her.
When one sees themselves as a gift to another person or otherwise does not humble themselves and feel gratitude for the moment and efforts, they are not opening up their energy, but creating a black hole for which energy is trapped and consumed at the detriment of the giver.
To have gratitude and humility flowing strongly and with determination through your heart is one way to walk the path to becoming more vulnerable and open with a giver. I cannot think of a powerful and meaningful way to open one’s self up to another human being during SM play. If you are having a hard time with gratitude and humility, think about this: Most receivers just want to receive and strongly dislike giving of themselves to the giver in the way givers give. Receivers should be humbled by the fact givers are willing to give to receivers what receivers are not willing to give to givers.
Giver Troubleshooting
When it takes two for SM Magic, there’s a 50% chance you’re not the reason you have a problem with head space.
The Giver’s Ego: Since trust is an important component for getting into an altered head space, givers must tame their ego and be equally grateful and humble towards receivers as a show of strength and control. Givers who haven’t tamed their own ego cannot tame the receiver’s ego enough for her to let go during play. Cocky people are sexy, but not always easy to trust. If you’re a giver, arrogance is a valuable tool to keep women prone to dungeon love at a safe distance.
This is why highly skilled and talented givers with out of control egos are seen as tragic by so many receivers – the giver has everything going for him in the world of impact play, yet nothing to offer the receiver energetically. Givers who continue to give to receivers without getting gratitude back from the receiver eventually suffer spiritual decay and become bitter negative souls unless their reason for giving is purely selfless. This means that most givers thrive on gratitude and find inspiration in a receiver’s humility that gives the giver energy and will to take the receiver to new heights in head space.
Subspace vs. Head Space
If you’re having trouble with reaching different mental states during play, try not calling it “subspace”. The gift and miracle of head spaces has been buried by the term “subspace”. There are so many different kinds of mental states one can reach during play, both giver and receiver, that to call it subspace would be an oversimplification if it were not for the fact the term itself is defective – you don’t have to be a label, in this case “sub”, or be dominant or submissive, to enjoy an altered space brought about with sensations to the body and interaction with the mind.
Conclusion
This may not make sense initially, but if you practice accepting the concepts above and getting your soul closer to a more grateful and humble soul, you will soon have an ah-ha moment right before the most powerful orgasm of your life. Don’t be afraid to be vulnerable and open because it’s during those times when you are at your strongest and can grow the most.
Both the giver and receiver need to practice gratitude and humility for SM Magic to happen. One might have a great endorphin rush initially when the ego is present in a scene, but eventually they will find themselves not playing as much once the soul figures out it’s not getting nourished, but fed upon in a destructive way, or at least seems destructive to me since I’ve experienced both sides.
Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.