Want to explore BDSM with your partner, but have never done so before?
Then, check out this informative video from Ms. Elle X!
How to Introduce BDSM to *Any* Partner | Ms. Elle X
Video: How To Introduce BDSM To Any Partner
negotiation
Video: When My Boundaries Were Crossed During Bondage
Consent is key! Respecting boundaries for ourselves and others is paramount!
With this being said, check out this informative video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!
My Boundaries Were Crossed in Bondage. Here's What Happened.
Rebuilding After Trauma
There are many commonalities in the kink community. As hard as it is to admit, many of us have a history of trauma. Though the causes vary, they impact our interactions in BDSM heavily. So we are going to explore what you can do if you need to renegotiate or build a scene after recent trauma.
Trauma is defined as “a deeply distressing or disturbing experience.”
This is a broad definition. We often equate trauma to incidents that result in physical injuries or abuse. But trauma can be anything. Trauma can happen as a result of a death in the family, stress from work or family, near death experiences, abuse, accidents, and mental health imbalances. This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.
For example, due to repeated deaths in my family in a short period of time, and a couple of traumatic experiences from when I was a teenager, I deal with the effects of PTSD. My brain just sort of short circuits at times. On an average day, it does not affect me much because I have learned to cope with it. However, when I delve into play, the closer I get to sub space, the less control I have in my head. Sometimes, that means disassociation. Sometimes it is moments of extreme panic or fear.
Outside of play, and regardless of the control you have over your mental health, your trauma does influence all aspects of your life. It can change the route you take home from work or where you work. It can change how you sleep or whether the light stays on at night. It can affect how you talk and who you talk to.
In kink, and often as a result of trauma, many suffer the effects of PTSD, severe depression, anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of men/women, nightmares/ Night terrors, and more. Some people lose their sense of self and their independence.
Some seek help. Some don’t. Some find relief in a bottle and some in pills. Some never sleep and some only sleep. Some learn to cope, and some don’t. Some move on and some don’t. Some give up and some don’t.
It is an individual experience and recovery.
As mentioned previously, you don’t need to look hard to find a lot of trauma survivors in BDSM and Kink. We all have our own reasons for delving into kink and dealing with our mental health.
Some use kink to reclaim their independence. It allows them to reclaim the moments they felt helpless and take back control. Some use kink for coping.
And, for some, they attempt to keep their trauma and their kink separate.
I do not personally believe the last statement is possible. Even the most careful of individuals can be triggered unintentionally. Because of this, it is important to figure out how to renegotiate and build a scene after trauma, to meet the needs of both yourself and your partner(s).
The steps below are built on the premise that you were involved in kink prior to the traumatic event.
Step 1: Be honest (to yourself and your partner) about your mental and physical state.
As much as we would love to pretend the trauma has never happened, it did. You and your partner need to accept that. You also need to clearly state your current needs. Do not allow yourself or your partner to assume that your wants, needs, and desires are the same as they were prior to the traumatic event.
Step 2: Negotiate with what you can do, not what you can’t
Feeling powerless is common with trauma. You may find yourself hesitant or even fearful of things you consider to be “simple.” There is no shame in doing what is best for you. If you cannot handle hugs any longer, or need someone to ask ahead of doing so, be clear in those expectations. Because there may be so many more things that you cannot do/have done as before, it is important to not lose yourself in what you “cannot do.” Instead of negotiating with your partner about what is off-limits, change the parameters.
“I would like you to do X, but I need you to keep eye contact with me.”
“I would like to feel your weight on me, but without restraint.”
“I need you to use my name when you talk to me. Please speak clearly so I know it is you.”
“I need skin to skin contact and I need you to stay above the waist.”
“I want to be flogged with my shirt on.”
Any of these options are considered green behaviors for this individual. It states what you wish to do and how it needs to be done to minimize triggering.
Step 3: Watch for frenzy. It can happen after long bouts of inactivity, not just to people new to the lifestyle.
Sometimes we remove ourselves from kink all together when trauma occurs. When we feel strong enough to get back into the scene, it is easy to lose yourself into frenzy. The feelings that you had thought forgotten come rushing back, and with it, so does the desire to get back into everything.
Watching for frenzy also means watching for extreme drop. We, as people, like to believe that we will always be able to do everything at the level we currently do it. Maybe, prior to your break, you could take an hour long beating with a cane. Most likely, after that break, you will not be able to. To play safely, it is better to start as though you are new and gauge your tolerance from there. But it can be a blow to both your ego and your self-esteem to “feel less than” we once were. Tolerance can be relearned. Pushing too fast, though, can reignite the trauma responses that required the break in the first place.
Step 4: If needed, write down the negotiation. This way you can review it and revisit it before play, if needed.
I am not suggesting a contract. I am suggesting more of a journaling exercise. Write down where you want to start, your goals, and your reactions to things as they occur.
This includes determining who will be involved in the scene, participating or watching? What will happen? What is your safeword? What are the boundaries? Are the scene boundaries different than your everyday ones? Do you have a panic option if your safeword becomes unuseable?
What happens though if the trauma happens during kink? Or if it happens with your current partner? Does that change how we renegotiate or build a scene?
In my mind, it does.
Trust is paramount in a dynamic. When that trust wavers, it can make kink so much more dangerous. For example, you can lose the comfort and confidence needed to safeword. As much as most Dominants seem like mind-readers, they are not. They need to know their partner will 22speak up when necessary, to prevent hurting the submissive.
Below, I have an altered set of steps to help guide the reestablishment of boundaries and the renegotiation of terms in an existing dynamic.
Step 1: Make sure you are both emotionally recovered enough to discuss logically.
Was the trauma caused by yourself? Your partner? Did it happen during a scene? Was the trauma an accident, miscommunication, or malicious? Is it unrelated?
These are important questions to ask yourself. Trauma that is unrelated may be easier to navigate with a partner than something caused by them. The same goes for the intention behind what happened.
Accidents and miscommunication happen in scenes. My first scene with Master was at a public party as pick-up play. I thought we had negotiated a flogging. Turns out, he was under the impression we negotiated an impact scene that involved floggers. In this instance, it turned out to be a beneficial miscommunication.
Later on, in our relationship, we did impact play at a party and a couple hours later we tried fire play. Turns out, even a light flogging (one that doesn’t leave marks) can weaken the skin enough that fire play can burn (when it otherwise would not). Technically, I was injured because my skin was burned. It was a small crescent shaped mark and for me, was a plausible outcome to the risky stuff we engage in. In this example, neither instance impacted my trust in Master. But, I have seen similar instances that have traumatized submissives and made them very skittish.
Step 2: Read through the current rules, together, and discuss their meaning.
When we first begin in kink, there are often a set of rules that we put in place to set the boundaries of our dynamics. Over time, those can change or evolve.
Due to personal issues with food in my past, one of my rules is that I must eat 3 times a day (or six tiny meals to help with my diabetes). When my dad died last year, I couldn’t bring myself to eat through my grief. But I had to, because it was a rule. I essentially made myself extremely sick. So, I had to reach out to Master and ask for an amendment. The rule adjusted to eating 2 times per day and I could use a meal replacement shake if needed.
We were not discarding everything that we had set forth, but we were adjusting them as needed to make sure I was ok.
Step 3: Recognize if any of the current rules contributed to the trauma.
**The rules I use as an example below are just rules that I have had mentioned to me by other submissives that have encountered issues. I have a personal belief that as long as rules are consensual, then they can be anything the Dominant and the submissive wish**
Some rules can add to the negative headspace left by trauma. For example, some dynamics have a rule that issues will be discussed once a month during a free chat. This could lead a submissive to believe they cannot speak up when needed.
Another example is a rule that does not allow safewording during a punishment. Is this something that foster’s fear in the submissive? Can this lead to triggering during a punishment without recourse to remove themself from the situation?
Step 4: Remove or adjust any rule that has impacted either the D-type or s-type’s state of mind.
Step 5: Keep the number of rules manageable. Trauma impacts the mental and physical states. If you are still recovering, having too many rules can make you feel like a failure and having too few can maximize your feelings of not being wanted or useful.
Step 6: Make a plan to maintain the healthy mindset. Whether this is through therapy, medication, maintenance discipline, etc. Recovering from trauma is fluid. It does not just stop and get cured.
Ultimately, you are stronger than your trauma. No one will know your reactions better than you. There is no right or wrong answer in your decisions, kink related or not. Your kink goes at the speed that you determine is best. Never let anyone try to force you to change.
Lastly, as cruel as it sounds, your trauma is your trauma. Just as you have the right to play at your discretion and pace, others have the right to choose not to play with you. This is not a reflection on either person’s character. Some people are not willing or able to deal with the aftereffects of trauma. This is their right.
When you vet a new partner, or renegotiate with an old partner, Be honest, clear in your expectations, and open about your mental health.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
The Evolution Of Safewords
Anytime I refer to when I was first learning kink, I get this terrible image in my head that I am surrounded by a group of newbies, droning on about how “back in my day,” we did this or that. I can even hear the horrid imitation grannie voice. But the reality is, kink has changed and evolved since I dove headfirst into it, all those years ago.
The most consistent philosophy, in my opinion, would be SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual). Though, this too has evolved to include RACK (Risk Aware, Consensual Kink) and PRICK (Personal Risk, Informed Consensual Kink). While each of these has the same idea that consent is paramount to kink, they are more involved and have developed to include personal risk and responsibility.
However, the most fluid idea would be that of a safeword.
Safeword: A word, phrase, or physical symbol that indicates a BDSM scene must end.
Until recently, I accepted this definition. I believed, and taught individuals, that a safeword is used when someone in a scene reaches their limits. While I do believe that a safeword can be used in a relationship, just as much as a scene, especially with mental health issues, I accepted that it primarily referred to end a BDSM scene.
But I am having a crisis of definition.
Let me start at the beginning. We are going to take a moment and explore that horrid “back in my day” story.
When I first delved into the community, I was taught that a safeword was a single word. It was a word that was given to me by a D-type (blasphemy, I know) and it was to only be used if I was in physical danger.
Back then, no one talked about mental issues. No one discussed sub drop. No one discussed that having a scene in a bad headspace could fuck you up. No one talked about it. The community I learned from, demanded that submissives were seen and not heard. Their entire purpose was to always be available to their Dom. The needs and wants of a submissive were unimportant. A submissive had no say in how they were played with nor who they played with. I was taught that safewords were only needed until you were trained, because “real” submissives did not need safewords. “Real” submissives did not need a safeword because that was tantamount to Topping from the bottom. It meant that the submissive did not trust their Dominant. It meant that you were weak willed and weak minded. Above all, it was discussed as a disappointment when a submissive needed to save out. For the most part, scenes stopped when one was uttered, but the silent oppression in the aftermath made that an extremely uncomfortable experience.
And in all my time in the community, I never quite realized how many red flags are in that story until I wrote it out for you to read. It was simply accepted as the way of things. I honestly did not think about it too much.
Maybe that is why I am so adamant about consent and communication now. Because I see myself in all the newbies and I want them to know they have a choice. A chance to be heard. A chance to have a voice.
What was once the definition of a submissive, is now the epitome of a slave. Where once you would be passed around, with simple acceptance, now requires consent and negotiation. We discuss these concepts like they have always been part of the community. Maybe, somewhere, they have. But I was not lucky enough to be surrounded by that type of support.
The first Dominant, who was interested in me, was 32 years my senior. He had been involved in kink, privately, for a couple of decades. He knew what he liked and from the first time we talked, he groomed me. There was no negotiation. And I believed that was normal. He groomed me, at 18, and he required Honorifics. Naive as I was, his interest in me sparked me to break my own rule and refer to him as Sir. I had extremely low self-esteem and his attention was addicting. Until, one weekend, he texted me to let me know he would be out of cell range for a couple of days and he would text when he got home. Fourteen years later, I still have not received that call.
The second Dominant who was interested, was a Mistress twice my age, who wanted me to move to her and become a house girl. I would not be allowed to contact my family (whom I was close with), would be required to be rail thin, and would not be allowed to pursue my college degree. My wants, and needs, had no consideration. She too required honorifics from the very beginning, and she too ghosted me when I refused to comply.
I want to specify that I was not disrespectful. I just wanted to be treated like a human being.
After those experiences, I became very reserved. I was surrounded by submissives, and through a matter of circumstance, I fought my nature and became a switch. Once I took control, I refused to ever let it go again. Being groomed and ghosted and having no sense of self, left me with a bitter taste of BDSM. I let it become relegated to a bedroom only activity. I lost the beauty and drive of my submission.
And it culminated in the best and worst thing I ever said to Master (before I was even under consideration): “I bow to no Man. Do your worst.” But that’s a story in another article.
I wanted to give you background on where my definition of a safeword started. Had either of those individuals become my Dominant, I would not be talking to you about safewords at all. Because, back then, safewords were a handicap. They were a disappointment. They were the sign of a submissive’s failure.
Over time, my definition changed. When I met Master, he introduced me to the Stoplight system. Green for Go (although I find that part redundant), Yellow for Check-In, and Red for Stop Immediately. Not only was it more universally recognized in public dungeons, but it was also a good system for him and me to find our happy mediums.
I rarely use any of the safewords. Yellow is reserved for health issues. For example, if the cane misses my ass and hits my thigh. I will say, “Yellow, that got my hip.” It does not stop our play. We do not stop to check in. He readjusts his swing, and we continue. He trusts that I will tell him if we need to stop.
Red has never been used. I struggle deeply with even contemplating the use of it. The indoctrination (and most likely because I started as a teenager) makes it hard to hold to my limits. Master has commented more than once that when I say red (because it will happen eventually), He is figuring it will require medical intervention.
We play hard and rough and my body can take quite a beating. If I am saying red, something will be very wrong.
I tried to explain it to Master at one point. When something happens in a scene that I am unsure of, my head starts arguing. Its several voices talking over each other. One argues to safeword. One argues that I can take more. One says to push my limits. One says to back off. One sobs with my pain and one laughs at my suffering. It goes back and forth between being at my limit and wanting to push more. By the time I settle on a decision, I have already endured more than I thought I could. Then it starts over.
It is only in sub space that I escape the chaos in my head. I become catatonic. I can function and follow orders, but I lose the ability to safeword. I stop recognizing my own name. I lose the ability to speak and understand English. I am gone.
Due to my struggles to safeword, and my tendency to become catatonic, Master has learned to read my body first and listen to my answers second. Over time, He has come to trust that I am not lying to him when I say that I am fine or that we can continue whatever we are doing. In my head, I am ready to serve and accept what he offers me. In my head, I can take anything he can dream up. In my head, I am still that teenager who was taught that safewording means I am a failure.
I have encountered many viewpoints on the use of a safeword. There are the individuals who play without them. People like those who taught me. There are those who use a single safeword and only apply it to BDSM scenes. You have those who use a single safeword but apply it to all aspects of the relationship. You have those who use a color system (like the stoplight system) that are more universal in the lifestyle.
Throughout the years, the consensus has moved from submissives being property to submissives being an autonomous individual with rights. There is much more emphasis on consent and negotiation than there was years ago. We, as a community, make sure that submissives know that they are valued and should get to know a potential D-type as a person first and dynamic second.
I will never speak against those who prefer to play without a safeword. Just as I will never speak against those who prefer to be property. I am one of those submissives who handed all decisions over to Master. I do not negotiate, He has blanket consent, and I hold out on my safeword far further than most. I am his to do with as he pleases. I am there for his pleasure and in service to him. That is how I view my submission. Whether by choice or conditioning, I will probably always struggle with using my safeword. I will always struggle with the feelings of failure and disappointment, even though I know Master would never feel either of those feelings if I use it.
The culture surrounding the use of safewords has come an exceptionally long way. But I am positive that it still has a long way to go.
*On a side note, the color system has grown exponentially over the years. What started as a three color system has become almost comical in the alternative colors available for use.
Green – Go
Yellow/Orange/Tan/Amber- Slow down
Red- Stop your current activity/ End scene
Black- End everything immediately
Blue- I need water/I need comfort
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
Communications Methods For Kinksters
For the majority of the time I have been involved in the lifestyle, there has been a common theme amongst kinksters. It is the belief that communication in the cornerstone of BDSM. Anytime newer individuals ask for advice, we tend to repeat the same mantra.
Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.
Kink, and BDSM, allow us to delve deep into our darkest desires. It often can leave you vulnerable and sometimes a little broken. It can be cathartic when done right and dangerous when done wrong. You can laugh and cry. You can scream or moan. You can curse, and growl, and talk in tongues. You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do (within the lines of consent).
However, to get to a place of trust and security, to which you can achieve these things, you must communicate.
Unfortunately, I think there is one aspect we, as seasoned kinksters, often overlook when offering this kind of advice.
What happens if you don’t know how?
What if you have learned (through past trauma) that your thoughts and opinions don’t matter? What if you were trained to obey and never question? What if you have low self-esteem and do not know how to express yourself to a partner? Why if you are shy? What if your knowledge is limited and you do not know how to ask for help? What if you are overwhelmed by the endless possibilities?
What if you cannot figure out how to navigate the commonplace answer that tells you, “kink is what you make it and it is never the same for two people?” (And yes, while I agree this is an accurate description, it does nothing to help new individuals who are reaching out for advice).
How do you communicate?
My family has faced these challenges. In fact, for the last year, we have had such a breakdown in communication with one partner, it has threatened the strength and security with our other partners.
Three of us have learned to communicate. We have learned to talk to each other logically. We have learned to listen. We know how to barter and negotiate. We know how to trust.
We assumed our other partner knew how to as well. We have learned, quite painfully, that they have not learned to express themselves in the same way that we do. Our communication methods do not match, and because of that, we have been at odds for a long time.
Through much trial and error, we have come up with alternative methods of communication. While it sometimes takes more effort on our part to understand what is trying to be said, it has opened the pathways for better understanding.
I wanted to share some of these methods with you, just in case you have been where I am.
1. Journaling— write down your thoughts, questions, wants, needs, desires, problems, triumphs, dreams, and nightmares. They do not need to make sense. Write as chaotic as your mind is. Put your thoughts to paper so they stop cluttering up your mind. If you wish to later, you can refer to it. You can choose to have a partner read it or keep it for yourself. Writing everything down allows you to reflect on your thoughts and feelings when your mind is clearer.
**I find that journaling is a technique often used in a D/s dynamic. Master required I journal as well. He rarely read it. However, he wanted me to be able to track my own growth. He still has me refer to it from time to time, just to see my own strength of character as well as how my own interests have changed/shaped my development as His submissive.
2) Writing/Emailing/Texting—I referenced writing above as a more “old-school” journaling aspect. However, I am aware of how everything has turned digital now. Regardless of what medium we use, sometimes it is just easier to not look someone in the face when you talk to them. Whether you struggle to formulate your thoughts or experience anxiety when your words may upset a partner, writing it out, in any format listed above, gives you time to put the thoughts together concisely. It allows you to add or remove bits and pieces until you are satisfied with what it is you are trying to say. You can use it to express everything or just to get the conversation started. It is a wonderful way to work up to face-to-face conversations.
**I do caution against relying solely on written communication. It is often hard to read moods in text form and is negates the option of reading body language completely. Both of those are important forms of communication for humans.
3) Share your playlist— have you ever had a song just resonate with you? One that comes to mean more than just another song on the radio. I have. I use this method often. I send the lyric videos so that they can read the words as they listen. Most often, the genre of music doesn’t matter, it’s the message behind the music.
**If you need an example, go to YouTube and search “control” by Zoe Wees. You will get a small glimpse into my mind.
**If you need a second example, search out “A little Piece of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold (it is definitely NSFW). For those of you who follow my writings, you will remember a scene I wrote that involved listening to a song because it incites rage within me. This is that song.
4) Be Clear Headed— Never discuss anything under the influence of high emotions. Take a breather. Come back to it when you are calm. The same principle applies to any mind-altering substances. Alcohol and recreational drugs can also cloud your judgement and will not aide in solving any issues that arise.
5) Listen— Sometimes all you need to do to communicate is to listen. If everyone is trying to be heard, but nobody listens, nothing changes. Listen, repeat back what you understand, rinse and repeat until you reach an understanding.
6) Recognize the Right to Privacy— There are things you discuss with one person, that may need to stay between just you two. That is understandable. We are adults. This rule does more often apply to poly relationships but can refer to individuals who have multiple play partners, Service Tops, Friends with Benefits, or has an ex that they stay in contact with for whatever reason.
**Keep in mind, anything that is a danger to yourself or others should not be kept private. It should be shared with the necessary individuals (such as doctors, police, etc) who can provide the help that person may need. This is also true when talking about fluid bonding and the risks for STIs.
7) Patience— Remember, everyone processes things differently. Some individuals may need you to repeat yourself, reword a sentence, or explain a definition. This does not reflect badly on either one of you. It simply means you each need to have care in how you say things.
8) Separate Topics– Keep the “good job” conversations separate from the “this needs work” ones. Avoid the word “but” when possible.
Example:
I’m glad you did this but…
Thank you for that but….
You are such a good girl but….
I know you tried but…
**Each of these sentences will simply bring your partner down. If your partner already struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, or mental health issues, this may lead them to just shut down and stop communicating all together.
An Alternative Example:
I appreciate your help with the laundry today. I wanted to make sure you are aware that we wash clothes on “cold” to prevent them from shrinking.
- This is a legit conversation I had to have with someone. They tried to do something nice by helping with the laundry. My favorite shirt was dyed pink and half my clothes shrunk because they washed the load on hot. I also ended up with an allergic reaction because they used the wrong detergent. This does not negate that their heart was in the right place. So, I thanked them and then calmly informed them of what to do the next time to prevent such issues. While this may not be a major issue in your home, these principles can be applied to almost any situation.
This is, by no means, a comprehensive list. Communication is about two (or more) people sharing what is in their mind. It is about listening and understanding. Whether you are negotiating a kinky scene or figuring out what is for dinner, communication is key. Regardless of how well some of us read body language and anticipate your needs, we are not mind readers. If you do not know what you want and need, we won’t know either.
Take what you will from these options. In the end, it doesn’t really matter how you communicate. It simply matters that you are.
My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.
Negotiation And Consent
Kink is a power exchange.
How do you KNOW as a Top/Dom/Domme/Master/Sir/Mistress etc (collectively “Top”) that you have the consent of your submissive?
As a submissive, how do you come to the decision to choose to relinquish your power safely? How do you choose your Top?
Let’s be honest, as a Top, if you did some of the things that run-of-the-mill kink play routinely involves to a person who had NOT given you their consent, you might very well get charged, arrested, prosecuted and convicted.
Kink is a coin with two sides. It only works if the Top and the Bottom, the Dom and the Sub, the Master and the slave are in alignment and it works best when there is full unconstrained communication.
One of the toughest aspects around the issue of monitoring consent during a scene is that both the Dom and the sub often experience mind-altering states that often makes clear communication difficult.
Kink is intense. It is a must to negotiate the parameters from a place of clarity, and I would argue, with complete authenticity.
There is good reason to discuss what is on the table (bondage, impact play, needles, gags, and/or dildos, for instance) as well as for how long, how intense, and what the limits are.
Do you as a sub, know your limits? Are you wanting to test your limits? As a Dom, are you someone who understands how to stretch limits within the boundaries of hard limits? Do you have an agreement on aftercare?
Hard limits, those things you just won’t do, must be stated and agreed to without reservation.
Kink requires safe words…I like the Yellow/Red combination. What does red mean? Do you end the scene or just move on to some other aspect of play? What about yellow? If I am flogging my sub and she says “yellow” what that means in our dynamic is “back off a bit, but please continue.”
When he/she says “I give you my consent” do you know what that means for him/her, do you understand his/her limits hard and soft? Do you know what he/she is expecting, for how long you have his/her consent? Do you know what his/her safe words are, and the way he/she understands them?
There is an argument, especially in pick-up-play, to be made for ongoing clarifications and requests for consent to be made as the scene progresses in order to keep the participants on the same page. For example, “I am going to spank you now with my bare hand, do I have your consent?” After spanking him/her ask “I am going to increase the intensity, do I have your consent?” And so on.
The most important part of the negotiation is really what happens after play, and what I call “the debriefing”. It is during the discussion about what was done and how it went that you come to agreement about what works and what does not. What is desired and what is designated as off limits, and not to be part of future play.
Ongoing dynamics are negotiated power exchanges that do not generally require repetitive conversations about consent, but in even well-established dynamics, there is a need to make sure that the play evolves keeping both parties fully engaged in the experience.
As a Dom, my view is that for me, a total power exchange is the perfect dynamic. Even in that dynamic, because my submissive has agency, whenever we introduce new experiences in play, there is a conversation before, during and after that addresses how she is doing, is she wanting more of what we are doing, does she want harder impact, should we go on longer etc. The point is that we live in a 24/7 TPE and we enjoy an energetic connection that requires no words, so when we do new things, we speak a lot about how it lands and how she likes it and how I can expand her limits and so on. Consent is an ongoing conversation that we always engage in.
Why do I say that one should be their authentic self when giving or seeking consent or negotiating limits? Think about this, if you are a dreamy sub and have all the feels for the Dom you are negotiating with and he says “I am into knife play” and for you, it’s a hard limit, but you don’t want to disappoint and so you say “It’s a soft limit”, then you go into a play session with a major concerns and you cannot relax and you are worried he is going to pull out a knife and you are worried about being cut and worse. The scene will not go well for you or him. If you were your authentic self, and you said, “that’s a hard limit”, then you would have no concerns about being cut or poked or scratched etc. He might have been disappointed, and he might have made an attempt to negotiate. He might share that his way of engaging in knife play may not be about cutting you, but instead be about getting you to move for him to avoid being cut, for example, and it may be something you come to try and enjoy and look forward to, but since you pretended to be interested in it, your head never got into subspace during the scene….and so I think that it is best to be authentic. Only agree to things you know you can handle on either side of the slash.
If you are new at kink, there is a lot to consider in negotiating with a play partner. First, are you chatting with someone with the same goal? Is this pickup play, are you thinking longer term? Are you clear what the experience level is? Do you have knowledge of the tools planned to be used? Is there attraction? Are you clear in your thinking? Do you have a friend you are in communication with that knows where you are going and who you are with? Are you negotiating about an evening or a weekend or longer? Does the person with whom you are negotiating scratch your itch? Do they understand what you are seeking exactly? Will there be penetration? Do you require condom use? There are so many details to get right. The main thing is to be in communication so that if a detail gets missed, there is a pathway to resolving the issue.
There comes a decision point in any negotiation. A point where, as a Dom, you get to ask the sub to give you her consent. When I was in this situation with a new potential partner, I would have her go off in private to do a task I requested in order to set the stage. After she made the decision to give her consent, in order to demonstrate that she was in fact giving me her consent, the last step to bring the negotiation to an end and to begin the scene, I would give her a butt plug and lube and send her to the bathroom so she could have one more opportunity to consider what came next, and a chance for her to choose to go forward or not in private without any pressure. She was given the choice to go and insert it, with the instruction to bring me her underwear by way of confirming that she was giving me her consent. I have met with prospective subs where they chose to go forward and sometimes, they chose not to go forward. Kink is as intimate as it gets. If a sub chose not to go forward, I would always honor her choice, no questions asked. She must choose to submit from my point of view. Period.
In the case of negotiating around discipline rather than play, when I negotiate with a sub for hard impact play or brutal punishment as in the context of a discipline where accountability is the issue and sexual contact is not at issue. In this case, I require her to give me her consent on video with her spoken words so that if there was a later dispute, that would be time stamped evidence.
Kink is very exciting, It’s very hot. It’s risky and edgy, and it’s super fun. BUT it’s only those things when both sides of the slash are in full agreement without constraint.
Be smart. Negotiate from a place of complete authenticity, and reach agreements that allow you to play unreservedly. Otherwise, how can you give your consent or accept the consent of your play partner?
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The Importance Of Aftercare
When negotiating a scene, an aspect which can often be forgotten (especially with new people) is aftercare. It can be entirely too easy to overlook, as it can often seem as such a natural cap, good or bad. Why would you possibly need to discuss it ahead of time; it’ll just happen, right?
But no, it might not. Also there’s more than one way to aftercare, and not everybody’s going to agree on what’s right or wrong. And there’re some for whom aftercare isn’t even necessary.
Aftercare, for the record, is the physical/emotional cartaking that occurs after a scene, usually for the sub, but also for the Dom. It can vary in intimacy and intensity depending on the relationship between the two, the intensity of the scene, or simply the overall environment.
But why is aftercare necessary? Because a BDSM scene tends to be an intense, superchaged, and traumatic experience, especially for the sub. Sure, it’s usually cathartic as well, but it can still put someone through the wringer; sort of how running a few miles can make you feel great, but you’ll still need that period of cooldown (and maybe a shower) before you can feel relatively back to normal.
Again, different people, different scenes, can require different sorts of aftercare. But a good rule of thumb involves a few simple checkpoints:
– Check everyone over for physical injuries that need to be tended to immediately. There may be cuts that need bandaging, bruises that require icing, or burns that require salves. While I’ve never personally had a scene this physically intense, YMMV.
– Support them (as they may be shaky), walking them to an area where you can both sit together, snuggling as needed. They’ll probably need a blanket to wrap themselves up with. Be certain to have water handy.
– Sit quietly until they come back to the land of the living. Even if they’ve been happily ensconced in subspace they’ll need varying degrees of time to return to reality.
– Once they’re lucid, engage them in some light conversation. Perhaps discuss the scene about what you both liked and disliked. But don’t expect any heavy conversation at this point.
– Finally, get both of yourselves dressed and clean up your playspace (if you haven’t had someone to do this for you already). Now’s a good time to hit the buffet or the fridge, as some people are absolutely ravenous after a good scene. And always be sure that you both hydrate!
– Later you may want to chat further and in-depth regarding your scene together. I’ve found these sorts of conversations to be extremely helpful.
– The next day, call or send a text to see how they’re doing. Even if you’re not trying to set up a long-term relationship, this is the sort of followup you really should engage in, so tell them ahead of time and see that they’re alright with it. Many subs aren’t aware of the sort of subdrop they’ll face the day after a scene. Different sorts of foods can help alleviate this (chocolate is often a good one).
Of course, there are many variants on all this. The time required can be anywhere from five to 30 minutes (or more). Some people require little to no aftercare (although the latter is very rare in my experience). Sometimes there’s a third party involved who’ll take on some or all of the aftercare duties (such as a Dom or Master of their own). And depending on the intimacy of the couple, some parts may be omitted, or become much more intense.
Regardless of how you do it, aftercare is an extremely important part of any scene, and should always be a critical part of your negotiations.
PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.
Video: Aftercare
It’s not all about the flogging and canes and humiliation. So much of what BDSM is about is Aftercare/after the scene is done.
Much like working out, BDSM requires an adequate warm up (negotiation and consent) and cool down (aftercare).
These are to protect both the D-type’s and s-type’s mental, emotional, and physical states.
With this being said, don’t miss Grey Knight’s informative video on Aftercare and how it can be implemented after play!
The Grey Knight - Aftercare (BDSM affection and cool down)
Topping Your Dominant
Now and then, someone arrives in my inbox with a conundrum. Their dominant has, out of the blue, asked them to do the topping.
If one is always the bottom, always the submissive, suddenly being asked to do the exact opposite can be a startling prospect. I can easily imagine a deer in headlights expression as their brain freezes on that thought and cannot go forward.
“I don’t know how to hurt him”
“I don’t know that I can.”
“He is my master and I never want to see him in pain–let alone cause it.”
Dominant does not always mean being the top. I’ve said many times that the bottom can be the dominant. I am a dominant sadomasochist. Whether I’m the top or the bottom, I’m the boss.
Service topping is a thing.
Submissive top is a thing.
There’s nothing wrong with either of those things.
In this moment, we are seeing the dominant bottom/submissive top dynamic in action.
First thing’s first. “I don’t know how…” Stop right there. The simplest solution is right in front of you. ASK your dominant to teach you the implements they want you to use on them. There’s nothing to fear in learning how to swing a flogger or a paddle. You’re more likely to hit far too lightly in your initial efforts. The pillow you use for a target won’t really care. For all the “you’ll put out your eye” warnings about single tails, I don’t know anyone who actually has. It’s not that difficult to learn if you learn flogging first. If you’re an impact bottom, zinging yourself now and then is actually a bit of a bonus. Think about how your dominant uses them on you. Apply the techniques to your practice.
Ask your dom to teach you the lines they want you to say. Write out the script if you have to. Practice by yourself in front a mirror until you can say those lines easily. Actors practice their lines. The first few times you do this, you may as well consider yourself an actor. There’s no harm in practicing your script.
“I don’t know that I can” – Once you’ve learned how to handle the implements and say your lines, you’re one transition from doing it to a human being. You know you are capable in the sense of making the paddle work (on a pillow) so you take that big breath and you let the paddle swing to make contact with human flesh. Guaranteed you’ll barely bap the ass, but that’s okay. You’ve gotten past the hardest part. Actually swinging a paddle (or flogger) at a human being.
While you’re engaging in your very first topping scene, your dominant should be coaching and coaxing you along and telling you what you’re doing well and when to go harder.. You know what you can take. You know how hard your ass is hit, how hard the flogger is swung. Build up your force just like your dominant does. At the same time, you’ll build up your confidence.
You have a plethora of technique and experience at your disposal. Use it.
The thing to remember is that you are serving your dominant how they want to be served. Pain is pleasure to the sadomasochist. In pain, there is freedom. You are providing both and learning an entirely new skillset at the same time. There’s certainly nothing wrong about that.
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.
Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor
Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2
You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.
Video: Electric BDSM Play Demo
Curios about Electric Play?
Want to know more about playing safely?
Never heard of Electric Play?
Then, be sure to check out this informative video brought to us by Depraved Eros! This week he tackles everything Electric Play and teachers viewers how to perform this type of play consensually, ethically, and safely.
Click below to find out more!
Electric Play Demo, BDSM Play
