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In this video, Veronica Yahns steps through the five areas you should talk through when negotiating a D/s relationship with your partner.
“So, you’ve talked to your partner and they’ve said ‘yes’ to exploring a Dominant / submissive relationship dynamic with you. Hooray! But… what now?”
Find the answer to this and much more in this helpful video!
Eve Marie shot by Danny StygionTo reach the most potent depths of power-exchange requires the highest level of personal integrity.
Aspiring to the highest level of integrity is critical to deepening trust and connection with a partner. I define integrity as having the intention and commitment to be responsible, accountable, risk-aware, actively listening, transparent, honest, and present.
It means telling the truth, starting with what you want…and what you don’t. Unwavering respect of boundaries is critical in power-exchange dynamics.
Clear, transparent, and fair negotiation with your partners should be standard procedure. Knowing proper techniques, risk/safety factors for your style of engagement, and the toys or tools involved, goes without saying.
Encouragement, discussion, and compassionate support of your partner, as well as yourself, before and after scenes, is a golden practice.
Adhering to these types of practices and principles builds the foundation for an ongoing and deepening exploration. This level of safety and trust offers the possibility of engaging and sharing our most protected and vulnerable erotic depths with our partners.
While this can seem a complex effort overall, the fundamentals of consciously engaging and exploring your Eros with integrity are easy to develop and learn as a practice.
The most important aspect is to have the clear intention to aspire to the highest level of integrity.
Here are 4 Tips to up the integrity, trust, and connection level in your power- exchange engagements.
The potential for misunderstandings, perceived or actual consent violations, resentment, mistrust, or emotional/physical harm are excessive when there has not been a clear negotiation. I would discourage ever engaging in D/s-BDSM with someone you just hooked-up with, or even your own partner, if you have not already come to complete, conscious agreement on all fronts before the scene begins.
The point is to feel empowered, connected, and exhilarated after engaging your deepest desires, not wounded or disconnected.
Start the negotiation with the intention to make a deep, heart-felt, human-to-human connection before you enter into any level of D/s-BDSM. The foundation for exploring these powerful depths of our sexual desires is trust, whether for a one-time scene or long-term connection. Each side needs to know they are ultimately cared for while revealing and expressing vulnerable and often scary parts of their sexual desire.
Conduct your negotiation in the most honest, transparent, and revealing manner possible. Be clear, direct, and thorough. All partners should share in full equality, voice, and advocacy for what they want and do not want at this stage of the journey.
Be clear about intention. It is important to clarify your intentions, boundaries, and expectations beyond the initial encounter for yourself and your partner. If you want to enter the encounter as a one-off with no expectations afterwards, state that clearly right off the bat.
Make sure your partner understands your intention. Press for a direct response that they understand and agree.
Hold your boundaries firmly if a potential partner says they are looking for casual only, and you seek more, and vice versa.
Discuss clearly what may be involved in an initial engagement with your partner in terms of props, toys, roles, and intensities. Get clear about safe sex practices to maintain and sexual history.
Start slow and keep it simple if you are just beginning. Get clarity about options for what to do if something unexpected comes up during the engagement. This would include usage and agreement on safe-words.
Some issues that may arise as you engage may just need you to pause and check in with each other, and then continue. Others may require you to come to a complete stop, and check in about what has come up and/or what one or the other needs most in that moment.
Sometimes, even with clear negotiations, there are things that can present unexpectedly. The best thing to do in these situations is to breath, stay calm, shift to full compassion, and care for the partner needing support. These will likely be rare, if ever occurrences, with proper preparation. Furthermore, considering them in the initial negotiation builds trust, which will most likely reduce the likelihood of these occurrences even further.
The nature or essence of the dynamic in D/s-BDSM is power-exchange.
One takes control, one surrenders for an agreed upon time. This exchange is inevitably both sacred and profane in its nature. There is a noble (D/s) and a taboo (BDSM) context that is occurring simultaneously.
It is very important to understand the distinction between the two, and how both are engaged during a D/s-BDSM encounter.
Embracing either Dominant or submissive role in this kind of dynamic can bring one in touch with deep-seated instinctual, historical, mythic, and/or archetypal aspects of the collective human experience. These are mythic themes and sensibilities that have been part of human theater, epic mythical tales, and cultural cosmologies for thousands of years.
It is not just the physical sensations and sex that are compelling in D/s-BDSM. It is also the intoxication of the sacred ritual of regal power and devotional surrender, and the primal instincts of being devoured or ravaging another.
I recommend you set aside a minimum of 2 hours to immerse yourselves in this compelling personification of your erotic nature.
You might find you could easily go 3 to 5 hours or more. Some scenes can be designed to go for an entire weekend or more.
Before you engage your partner, take time to prepare yourself by getting present, clear in intention, and embodied in whatever way works for you.
Take care in preparing the space you will engage in. Bring in ambiance of light, sound, texture, aromas, and all that sets the right tone for the way in which you and your partner wish to journey. Make this a sacred space, whatever that might mean to you.
Also, prepare in advance a good aftercare plan that includes access to emotional support if needed. This applies to both the dominant and submissive. Moving deeper into your authentic, sexual desires is an opportunity to both be empowered and to heal if these steps are followed.
In conclusion, the key to coming to terms with our sexuality and creating healthy power-exchange dynamics, is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably, and consciously, in a way that aligns with the integrity in our agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompasses our core values.
We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious concerning powerful, negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.
One short article cannot cover all the important considerations of exploring your Fetishsexuality or Kink desires, but I hope this gives you a starting point to launch your own journey into the depths of your sexuality, and aids you in building your dynamics.
About Galen Fous MTP
Kink-Positive Therapist, Author, Educator & Sex Researcher
Galen regularly speaks at universities, grad schools and conferences about sexuality and Kink. He offers AASECT and APA approved CE classes for therapists on various accredited online educational platforms. His research focuses on understanding the unconscious psychological dynamics of Kink, Fetish and D/s-BDSM sexuality. Galen Has a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology from ITP.
He works with clients within a Transpersonal psychology framework that helps individuals and couples get honest, shame-free and confident in expressing their authentic sexuality. Galen helps clients shift from compulsive, dishonest, risky sexual behaviors to negotiated, consensual authentic sexual practices. This framework includes resolving the embedded fear, shame and judgments entangling one’s desire.
An important component of his research into the nature of Fetishsexual and Kink desire is the development of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey. ( http://galenfous.com/pem ) This ground-breaking and ongoing research survey with over 4000 participants so far, is the first study that begins to document the mythic archetypal aspects of Fetishsexuality by mapping of the sexual unconscious.
Galen’s latest book, “Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires” has been praised by sexual psychologists and educators as “Visionary …Masterful …Groundbreaking …Cutting Edge…Worth its Weight in Diamonds … Highly Recommended…A Must Read!” He is also the author of “The Sharp Edge of Love – Extreme Sex, Mythic Passion, Primal Intensity. Learn more at http://galenfous.com
In 2000, he introduced the world renowned Tetruss Shibari Suspension-Bondage Rig, Portable Dungeon, and Sex Swing, the world’s most versatile adult toy. (http://Tetruss.com)
Dirk Hooper Professional Photography-http://www.DirkHooper.comI know now why my marriage was a short one. Time and distance have given me insight. I was naïve; I thought love was solely sacrifice. I thought love was staying even when things weren’t okay. Most of all, I thought that love, once promised, could never be revoked. I truly believed I had no right to renegotiate my relationship. How could I end something that had endured so much? Wasn’t our growing hardship proof that the relationship was strong?
I hadn’t figured out yet that we were trapped in an unnegotiated state of codependence. I hadn’t realized that not only were my needs not being met; neither were hers.
You might be asking yourself, why the hell is she giving me her life story right now? What does this have to do with me? Well…everything, actually.
In the Vanilla World, it’s commonplace to see relationships fail for the same reasons mine did. A lot of things fall to the wayside when you’re trying to live out the “forever and always” fantasy. A healthy marriage was one concept I never got to discuss until it was too late. Ironically, about 1/3 of the people I’ve met in the scene are also divorced, and it got me wondering why. Is it truly coincidence, or is there something more to this?
Three things that killed my marriage were lying by omission, codependency, and fear. I’ve noticed that in the scene, there’s a lot less of these things going on. I mean, it certainly happens, and no relationship is perfect, but being a part of the Kink Community is such a vast improvement. People express themselves without fear of judgement. Polyamory is more commonplace than monogamy, which I find leads to more openness and less jealousy overall. Relationships are directly negotiated, sometimes in contract form. In my opinion, all of these actions/attributes lead to healthier relationships and individuals. In the following paragraphs, I will explain why.
Lying by Omission
Many vanilla relationships have a “sweep it under the rug” attitude that can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. The refusal to discuss the hard stuff has a damning effect on the relationship. Things go unsaid that need to be said, and secrets start to take root. It may be easier in the short run to conceal feelings of discomfort, resentment, and fear, but the only way for a relationship to healthily work long-term is if all partners are willing to be transparent with each other. In the Kink World, how we play and the type of dynamics we form require extra trust and communication. There’s so much more at risk for us if we make a mistake or treat our partners carelessly (due to a lot of us engaging in more extreme forms of play and relationships that can have serious physical, emotional, and mental consequences if not handled properly). As a result, most BDSM/Kink relationships practice more open communication and negotiation than their vanilla counterparts.
Codependency
Poor boundaries and an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own emotional state equal one horribly codependent relationship. In my opinion, any partnership that doesn’t encourage each person to take responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing is a flawed one. For example, jealousy is often dealt with by one partner placing restrictions on the other. Not only does this erode trust over time, but it also creates tension and irritation that can shatter a brittle relationship. Taking personal responsibility means addressing where those feelings of jealousy come from, and not assigning blame or micromanaging your partner because they arose. Codependency takes many forms-from overly relying on your partner like a crutch to being utterly unwilling to let them lead a life of their own. While the Kink Community is not immune to enmeshment and codependent behavior, because we spend so much time practicing our negotiation skills, there is more opportunity for us to state our needs and to reflect on what’s going on internally. Debriefing after a scene is a perfect example of this behavior. And hey, at the very least, if somebody is micromanaging their partner’s personal life, it was pre-negotiated and consented to (if one is practicing BDSM/Kink healthily and safely of course)!
Fear
True love cannot survive if you are acting out of fear and suspicion. Fear of being abandoned is a huge reason why most people stay in unhealthy situations. Even fear of what your partner might do if you leave can shape whether or not you feel safe stepping away from a harmful relationship. When leaving isn’t on the table anymore…everything else is. Who knows what you’ll have to endure if walking away isn’t an option? It’s a horrible way to lose somebody, and this slow death was what ultimately killed my relationship. It was an act of love when I finally said goodbye. I no longer had to force myself to settle for vanilla sex. I no longer had to be somebody I wasn’t just to make things “work”. That’s the real reason why so many of us in the scene ended up here after a divorce. Fear kept us in the closet. Self-love unlocked the door.
In the end, the reason there are so many people who’ve experienced divorce in the scene is because we are a culture of pioneers who value consent and transparency. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to admit you’re into kink to begin with, and it also takes a hell of a lot of strength to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working anymore. Love shouldn’t be compulsory, ever. It shouldn’t just happen without conversation, and serious commitments need to be looked at very closely before they’re entered into. We might be a group of eccentrics, but we sure know how to communicate. Maybe the Vanilla World should take a page out of our book. Who knows? Maybe then the divorce rate would go down. Until then, for all of you readers out there who’ve been through a vanilla breakup…welcome home. The Kink Community is happy to have you.
About the Author:
Eden studied Creative Writing and Theater at one of the many Cal State Universities. She is a self-identified poly queer woman who draws on her experiences as a submissive to talk about various issues and hot-topics in the Kink Community. She hopes that her writings will reach other new people in the scene to let them know they are not alone. If you’d like to contact Eden, please feel free to look her up on Fetlife under the handle little_miss_eden.
Mistress Eva with subFrom time to time, I respond to submitted BDSM questions whose answers might help some of our readers. Here is one that I found fascinating; and though it is written by a female submissive, my answer should apply to male subs too.…
“I am a relatively new female submissive. A potential Master I met gave me a complicated list of rules he wants me to follow. The prospect of following them is very scary to me. What should I do?”
The first thing you must understand is that every Dominant – and every submissive – is different. We might all be learning from similar playbooks, but all of us pick and choose different paths and preferences. There are high protocol and low protocol Dom/mes and subs, weekend and 24/7 practitioners, switches and fetishists. Before you choose a Dominant, it would be best to familiarize yourself with all these different possibilities.
When you first meet a Dominant, even if you like him, you really owe him nothing — other than respect and honesty. Technically, until you decide to enter into some sort of D/s arrangement, you are a free agent. And so is he. Thus, when he sends you a long list of rules he wants you to follow, you are not compelled to obey them immediately. You are still in the “negotiations” phase. This is really a two part discovery process. The first is to find out if you actually like each other. This can border on vanilla considerations; but, human concerns are always critical in any relationship, BDSM or otherwise. After you determine that you like him – or you discover you want him only as a play partner — then you should enter into the “lifestyle negotiations” phase, of which his rules are but one aspect.
The great advantage of BDSM relationships – if you do them “by the book” and don’t skip the negotiations phase – is that all aspects of your interactions are up for discussion. Whether it is your Dom’s rulebook, play, pain, fetishes, sex, polyamory, hard & soft limits or levels of protocol, nothing – other than agreeing on a safe word — should be off the table. The key is that these discussions should be as complete and wide-ranging as possible. In your case, his rules are the first thing, but not the only thing, to be talked about.
Before you discuss the list with him, I suggest (my opinion) you examine it and separate the rules into three categories. One should be those rules you actually like. For example, a popular rule that many subs love is that the submissive gives oral sex on demand. The next group would include those rules you don’t find overly objectionable. For example, asking permission to cum can be a pain for many submissives, but few would consider this a deal breaker. Then you must list those which are hard limits. This often happens when a low protocol sub meets a high protocol Dominant who might require her/him to ask permission to go the bathroom – even when at work.
Once you have these categories firmly in mind, you should ask this Dom whether “category three” rules are negotiable or not. If he refuses, and there are lots of “hard limit” rules in the list, he simply might not be the Dominant for you. If, on the other hand, he is willing to bend his rules a bit, then you can start to get a handle whether this will work. Don’t expect him to tailor his protocols to completely satisfy you. After all, who is the Dom here? But, if you are cool with a lot of his rules, and he is willing to change some before finalizing them, then all might be fine.
The key in all relationships, as stated here ad nauseam, is communication. Your Master’s list can be a good jump-off point to see where you both stand. Plus, after the rules are finalized, you will find that having them in place can be the cornerstone of a great union.
Remember, his list is not an ending, but merely a beginning!
About the Author:
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
A lot of people struggle with telling their partners about their kinks. Click here to read advice from Vanessa Marin, a sex therapist, about this subject.
Don’t miss the Kink Community featured in the New York Times! One of their reporters pays a visit to the Eulenspiegel Society, and presents an honest, non-biased view of our community.
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A Mom of two has launched her own site, called Brazen, dedicated to the exploration and education of swinging, domination, and rope bondage.
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Mistress Eva- https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/Jean Paul Gaultier brings Dominatrix apparel to the ballet.
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Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”
www.voxart9.comI have noticed there are a lot of new individuals in the community that seem to be unclear about what a D type really is. A lot of these individuals are also unaware of the responsibilities that come with being any rendition of a D type.
Being a Dominant entails so much more than just telling people what to do and getting your fantasies met by doing so.
Sure, Doms can consensually tell others what to do, and in doing so get their needs and wants met. However, there is so much a Dom must consider before making a demand.
First, the s type’s hard limits must be considered as well as their soft limits. It would go against the job description of any Dom to do anything that would actually physically or mentally harm the s type. The Dom must always keep the sub safe.
Soft limits should also be considered because some soft limits are situationally- based as well as mentally-based. What I mean by this is, some soft limits are only safe to be explored in certain settings and/or when the sub is in a certain headspace or feeling a certain way.
Second, what the s type can realistically handle and can physically/mentally do should be considered as well. The Dom should NEVER set the sub up to purposefully fail (unless this has been pre-negotiated and consented to). Now, the Dom can ask for things that might be trying and/or challenging for the sub (again as long as it is consensual and no hard limits are crossed). However, if the Dom knows that what is being asked has no chance of being successful, then I would highly recommend not asking for said thing. Furthermore, if what you wish to ask for is very important to you, you could potentially train the sub on what they cannot do at this time (in hopes that they can perform the task or fulfill the order in the future). Please note, that there are some things that cannot be trained and other things that can. It’s the Dom’s job to gather enough information to know the difference.
It’s also important to not get upset and/or angry at where the s type is currently. It’s always more beneficial to accept the s type, and proactively and practically work with them to help them serve you better. It’s totally acceptable to correct the s type’s behavior, but be careful not to correct who they are. This could negatively affect their self esteem.
If you find that you no longer wish to be in a power exchange dynamic with your sub, then that’s your right as well, and the healthiest break up protocols should be followed by all parties (these should be dynamic-specific).
Again, if you choose to stay with your submissive, it’s important to work with them as a team or at least consider them a part of the team even if all parties have agreed that the sub is considered less than the Dominant.
Third, the Dom should always take into account their own mental state and physical state. You may wish to discipline or punish at a particular moment, but realizing you should not punish until you calm down can be a sign of an aware Dom with great self control. Self control is paramount for both D types and s types. It can be your best friend when you want to do something, but realize you are not in the best headspace to do said thing.
I am also not recommending that punishments and/or discipline get thrown to the wayside because you are too angered and/or upset. I am merely suggesting to recognize when you are experiencing negative emotions that could impede your judgment, and then postpone punishment/discipline until you are in a calmer state. For example, you could tell your sub you will have their punishment for them within 24 hours, or let them know you need five minutes to cool off before talking to them about this, or you could tell them to wait in the corner and think about what they have done until you have calmed down (which would begin the punishment even before you are calm enough to continue talking about the matter). These are just a few options. There are many more to choose from.
Bottom line, the important thing is that you are always fair and just-even when punishing, disciplining, and/or correcting. When emotions are heightened that can put fairness and justice on the back burner. Just like a submissive may have to train on specific skills, so might a Dominant. The difference in training is that the sub has the Dom leading the training, process, and the Dom has to lead their own training (unless the Dom has a D type of their own or a mentor). Doms are people too, and their emotions need to kept in check just as much as subs.
Often, Doms are role models for their subs. With this being said, it would be in the Dom’s/relationship’s best interest to model the behavior and/or core values they wish the sub to exhibit/live by. I am in no way saying that Dominants should act submissive, or behave exactly like their s types, or have the same behavior protocols. I am merely stating that if a Dominant wants their submissive to be honest, they themselves should be honest.
I have often heard debates on whether or not Doms should apologize to their subs and/or talk to them about their errors.
I am a firm believer that it is the D type’s responsibility to own their error and make necessary modifications as needed. Now do they need to grovel or give a lengthy apology?- NO!
But they at least need to be willing to adjust things so the s type is safe and not put under potentially harmful physical and/or mental strain.
It’s human to have too high or unrealistic expectations. I am sure these things happen in nearly every power exchange relationship. And that’s totally okay. The essential thing for Doms is that you make healthier adjustments as needed. This requires you to be flexible, humble, and caring about your s type’s well-being to some degree.
In short, it’s important to know when to healthily/consensually push, and when to modify. Every situation is different, and a Dom’s task is often to balance challenge and adjustment.
It’s also important for a Dom to carefully observe not only the s type’s words and overt actions, but also their subtler mannerisms such as body language. You can often learn more about what the sub thinks and who they are by paying attention to these things. Doms who note these kinds of things will have more success in knowing when to push and when to pull back.
I have always heard mindfulness talked about from a sub’s and slave’s perspective, but mindfulness is greatly needed for everyone in any kind of dynamic.
Unhealthy implementation of dominance can create resentment, willful disobedience, and even dynamic dissolution. Healthy dominance can breed respect, trust, happiness, obedience, and a very strong foundation for any power exchange dynamic.
The D type wields all or most of the power in a relationship and/or scene. Because of this, it is up to them to set the tone and establish the path the dynamic will be on.
Of course, it is the responsibility of the s type to want to serve and to follow what the D type has prescribed. However, the D type is the leader and creates the overall ambiance of the exchange/relationship.
In closing, D types should be humble, logical, stable, understanding, intelligent, and in tune with their s types (this last point may vary based on whether one is talking about a scene, a power exchange relationship, or pick-up play. Nonetheless, the D type must be in tune with the s type to some degree. The D type cannot act as if the s type isn’t there and their boundaries don’t exist).
I hope this article has helped others gain a better understanding of D types’ responsibilities.
As always, thanks for reading and stay tuned!
Click here for the sister article- Healthy Submission
About the Author:
Slave Bunny, a 1950’s power slave, is involved in a wonderful and loving TPE 24/7 M/S relationship with her Master and husband. She is also the Creative Director of Kink Weekly.
She has dedicated her life to working on herself mentally, spiritually, and physically, and hopes to inspire others to do the same. Through teaching and mentoring, she hopes to help everyone in the Kink community as much as she can.
Feel free to add her on Fetlife (Slave_Bunny992) to see her upcoming workshops and classes.
Mistress Eva with sub. https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/Looking to be trained? Click here to learn more about Mistress Eva’s World-Renowned Online Slave Training.
Meet the kittens at Cat Girl Manor, and explore this oasis of fetishists who love kitten play.
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Click here to read more about Singapore’s Secret BDSM Scene.
Click here to learn how to stop rough sex from crossing into abuse.
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”
There are few things in the BDSM world that are better than a great scene. Whether it’s a long, winding Sadomasochism session, a freaky role play, or a good old rough romp, great scenes are one of the best parts about being kinky for many of us.
We should start by talking about what a scene is. A scene generally is a period of time which you (usually with a partner or partners) create a space dedicated to practicing the activities that make you kinky in the first place, with the desired outcome of reaching some form of climax or satisfaction. That last part is the key element in what separates it from, say, a kinky activity or a bit of light play.
It should be noted that there are a number of other names for these shared experiences, like a Session or a Playtime, and there are some great discussions about what they should be called. For the sake of this piece, though, I’m going with Scene. I like the word Scene because it gives a better idea of what the whole experience should be like. It should be like a performance, a work of art, and it should tell a story.
For the sake of clarity, I don’t mean it should start with “Once upon a time” and end “Happily ever after”. What I mean is it should flow from moment to moment, movement to movement, and take us on some kind of journey together. This is something I’ve implemented in my play, whether it’s an intimate moment between myself and my partner or a performance in front of a crowd of people on a stage.
So let’s talk about how to build and pull off a great scene.
To tell a good story, you need a character, a motivation, and a journey. When we play out a scene, we need the same thing. All parties need to know what their roles are, what drives them in the scene, and where they are going. This is an essential part of a negotiation that takes it from a conversation about implements and pain tolerance and transforms it into a collaborative effort to build an experience together.
One thing I almost always ask when negotiating a scene is “What would you like to get from this scene?” As a bottom, this gives me a valuable understanding of how to best fulfill my partner’s needs. As a top, this also gives me an idea of the “Genre” of the scene. It tells me where the other person wants the scene to go, and that tells me a lot about how to get there as we craft the scene together.
Any good story has a Beginning, and Middle, and an End. I think most of us know how to do the middle part of the scene pretty well, as that’s the part that people tend to focus on. The beginning is important too, though. Like a story, the beginning of a scene should focus on establishing the roles, the tone, the theme, and the direction. Once you have established with your partner(s) what your story is, work with them to get that story going in a way that lets you both (or all) really get into it.
One thing I like to do when topping with a new partner is to begin a scene with a lot of touch and quiet eye contact. I make slow and deliberate movements. I feel the parts of their body that might be involved in the scene or quietly talk about what is about to occur. What happens in this time all depends on what the coming scene will be. However, it always contains a few minutes of connection and focus to establish the rapport and what I’ll call the “Dialogue” of the scene (after all, isn’t most of what we do just a form of communication?). During this time,
I am setting the scene up, giving us both a chance to get into the right headspace to get into it.
Imagine watching a horror movie where all the actors seemed like they were too busy trying to be cool or to seem above it all to buy into the fact that some monster or alien or masked killer is coming after them. What gives us the chills and makes us scream is their ability to buy into the fear and uncertainty their character is meant to convey. You want to do the same thing when you are getting into your scene. Whatever your role is- a super strict Dominant, or a wanton masochist, or a petulant brat-let yourself get into it. Let yourself buy into your role.
This can be especially hard when you are playing in a public space. You might feel a little silly barking like a puppy in front of people, or calling someone a “Boot slut” and scowling. That’s totally normal for many people who are new. One piece of advice that I got during Drama class has stuck with me in my BDSM journey; “Play your scene TO the audience, but play it FOR your partner.” It can be fun to get on-lookers into it, but in the end remember that you are here for the other person(s), and let that drive you to really express yourself.
We see actors struggle with this all the time. When they can’t laugh off a flubbed line, or take a minute to be themselves, they get so far into character that they can’t seem to break it. They often become a burden to those around them, going on abusive rants like Christian Bale in Terminator, or terrorizing castmates like Jared Leto in Suicide Squad.
We should recognize this in our own scenes, too. What we do is very real, but it’s also not at the same time. In reality, I’m not really a pillaging Viking, I don’t fit the clinical definition of a “Sexual Sadist,” and just because someone calls me Daddy doesn’t mean I am their parent. In many ways, what we do subverts reality by giving us the space to express aspects of ourselves that need a place to live and breathe. Many of us take it very seriously to varying levels, of course, but allowing yourself space to not take things too seriously is important. Stay grounded. Laugh when you need to. Preserve the magic, but respect the reality.
Few things in a story are better than payoffs, and a good payoff is built around a healthy and reasonable dose of foreshadowing. Whether it’s laying out all the toys for the scene before you even start, or it’s giving the crop a good smack against a nearby surface to send chills, or making a comment about their feet moving around too much several minutes before doing a little consensual bondage mid-scene, use foreshadowing to build the tension a little and make those payoffs even better.
For example, one thing I have enjoyed doing is teasing out a certain toy. I’ll bring it out with a partner as we negotiate and mention how much I love it (it’s a 12 inch piece of high-temp pressure hose), and tell them it’s name (“Shia LeBouf” because I feel that no one else really appreciates it like I do, but it always puts in good work). Throughout the scene, without using it, I mention how much I love Shia. Every time I go to find another toy, I will hold it up or talk about it. Or maybe I’ll smack it against my hand and talk about how it feels.It builds the tension, and makes them wonder when Shia will make an appearance. Then, when I feel like it, I’ll bring that toy in and reward their patience. This gives the scene not only a sense of tension, but also intention, which drives it towards a payoff that can really give the scene a lot of energy.
Have you ever listened to a song that doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, with no buildup or hooks, nothing to keep you going, so you tune out after like 40 seconds? A scene can end up like this if you don’t know how to maintain the drama. Now, I don’t mean Drama like the social kind. I mean having tension, movement, twists, and breaks. As you negotiate and play, give your scene a rhythm. Then let that rhythm move and flow. Give it build ups and let downs. This may seem like it applies mostly to tops, but bottoms can also play a role as well.
This doesn’t have to be a complicated, Shyamalan-level twist. It can be as simple as knowing when to take it slower or when to build intensity. This is as much about playing with the mind as it is about playing with the body. One favorite of mine is when a partner and I have decided and negotiated to push the scene until they are nearing their threshold for pain. When it’s clear to both of us that we may need to stop soon, I will ask them for “Just one more strike, okay?”, giving them a chance to get up their nerve. Then I will line up my shot, making them count down from 3 to 1 so “I know when to go” (insert ironic tone for effect). When they get to the last number, instead of striking them, I’ll strike my own hand or a nearby surface causing a loud noise. This often leads to a lot of cursing and name-calling, but it can be a very effective twist on an intense moment.
I want to be very clear with this one; I do not recommend or condone improvising in a way that violates negotiation or consent of the other party (or parties).
There are ways, though, that you can improvise while maintaining respect for the boundaries and expectations of your partner. This is a lot like stage improv. When you perform any kind of improvisation on stage, there is a concept called “Yes, and…”, meaning you support and affirm your partner, and then add something of your own to carry on the scene. You also have an established setting and “rules” you follow. You and your partner work together within those boundaries to keep a scene moving.
Kink is the same way. You can work together to improvise through a BDSM scene too. This comes up a lot in rope, actually, as many ties are difficult to execute, or hard on the bottom. If you become too committed to a specific rig or harness, it can end up making a scene much more frustrating, which makes the whole experience worse as a result..
Instead of getting stuck, or frustrated, allow yourself a break from the private commitment you’ve made to yourself in a scene and instead focus on working with your partner to improvise a way to keep the scene going. If you need to redirect or change pace within the boundaries of your negotiated scene, you should give yourself the space to do so. Again, I want to reiterate that this is not permission to change consent mid-scene, nor am I recommending violating your negotiated agreement. This is about the conversation between the Top(s) and bottom(s) taking on the cooperative “Yes, and…” nature of improvisation, trying to walk organically through a scene together.
Much like Beginnings, people often struggle with endings. They either treat it like a workout and just do a little cooldown, jumping right into aftercare, or perhaps just ending it outright without much notice. This can be jarring and unnerving (Imagine if Star Wars just ended with the explosion of the Death Star. Boom, explosion, and roll credits).
Plan the end of your scene before it comes. This is, again, one mostly for the tops. Know when you are hitting the Third Act, where the climax should go, and how you should wind down from that. An important part of this is to know when enough is enough.
A common problem with scene endings I come across is people who keep wanting to push for more when more is untenable. A lot of times, a scene will need to end before we are prepared for it, which can be disturbing and/or unsatisfying. With this being said, it’s important to see the end coming before it’s there, and act accordingly with the everyone’s best interest in mind. I like to include a conversation in the scene at some point where I will my partner(s) to self-assess where they are at, or give them a clear indicator that I am going to be wrapping up. This may be on the nose for some, but for me it’s a simple way to signify the shift in tone that comes with ending a scene.
For many, having great scenes won’t just happen without putting in a little bit of work. Anyone can have amazing playtimes if they are willing to put in the practice, though. Remember that, ultimately, a good scene is about everyone having a wonderful time, feeling satisfied, and wanting to do it again because it was that awesome. Pain, humiliation, service, and control are all ways of expressing ourselves and communicating with each other. Like any language, you can learn how to speak it in a way that excites people. Keep that in mind as you work on your scenes and you’ll do great.
By: Baron Von Aaron
Aaron is a kinkster, writer, Viking, and Curling fan with over a decade worth of experience. He enjoys sharing the knowledge and insights he has gained over his own journey. Follow him on Twitter @BaronKink
“Magnification.” Now, what do I mean by that? It is not a term you will find in any Kink Weekly article. At least I don’t think so. Truth be told, it is not a BDSM term at all. But, it can add a lot to your BDSM play. Let me explain.
What I imply by “magnification” is the process whereby a Dominant or submissive, by the use of selected pre-scene sequences, is able to amplify subsequent play experiences. The key is for the Dom/me to recognize – or the submissive to discuss – what specific actions increase sensitivity and receptivity. Let’s examine the “magnifying effects” of specific pre-scene techniques.
One magnifying sequence is the greeting ritual, where the submissive kneels and kisses the Dominant’s feet or boots. A similar one is the slave bowing his/her head. These rites can have the effect of both putting the sub into a more submissive state and energizing the Dominant. Thus, these formalities can “magnify” your play. It is easy to neglect incorporating pre-scene rituals into your scenes. But a knowledgeable Dom/me – or an experienced submissive – will jump at the opportunity to include any pre-scene concept, no matter how simple, that would make their play more enjoyable.
Another magnifier is BDSM equipment. Even though one can flog an unrestrained submissive just as hard on a bed, an equivalent beating can be a lot more effective when coupled with some bondage equipment. The apparatus doesn’t have to be sophisticated. I have known submissives whose “sub button” is pushed when nothing more than cuffs are put on their wrists. Others get into “pre-subspace” when they are restrained. You don’t have to own a St. Andrews Cross to magnify your scene; homemade wall hooks can be just as effective. Or just tie the bottom to the bedposts!
Being in a dungeon, or at a play party, can also be a great magnifier. I know a couple that is not into public play. But, according to the Dom, just watching others play puts his sub into an ultra-receptive mindset. When they get home, he is able to put her into subspace effortlessly. Any magnifier, whether it is participatory or voyeuristic, is worth including in your scenes. Of course, one of the most common “magnifiers” is dress. Whether latex, vinyl, boots, high heels or leather, the right outfit, as every Domme knows, can multiply the efficacy of their commands.
If you are not in a live-in situation, some BDSM texting before you go to the dungeon can make both of you hot with anticipation – thus magnifying the scene exponentially.
The key to finding the right “scene magnifier” is communication. In vanilla, we have to guess whether the oysters will put her/him “in the mood.” In BDSM, however, we can discuss what will make the scene more exciting before we attempt it. A pre-scene talk should include a chat about these magnifiers. You might discover that something as basic as a blindfold, a pair of handcuffs or a leather play collar can be just what the submissive needs to feel ultra-submissive – or put the Dominant into “Dom/me space.” Of course, trial-and-error also works. But, in this lifestyle, trial-and-error can be a lot of fun!
The bottom line, after you discover what pre-scene techniques amplify your play, is to incorporate them into your scenes. So, if you can double your fun with the same amount of effort, why not? After all, the object of BDSM is to have fun – so why not double it!
By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.
This article is about consent and negotiation and mistakes and hindsight. It’s about personal responsibility and compassion.
There are reasons I don’t do pick up play and why I like to be at least friends with someone before I do a scene with them. When you play as a bottom you are trusting someone with your physical, mental, and emotional well-being for a certain amount of time. When you play as a Top you are trusting another person to be honest with you up front and not vilify you if you make a mistake. Notice the running theme? TRUST. Now, if you are just starting to play and have just met that person or have only known them a short time, then a whole lot of trust isn’t necessarily there yet. This is why it’s not recommended that you do heavy scenes or attempt to push boundaries and limits with someone in the beginning. You should be developing more trust first.
So what should you trust about a new play partner? Well, as a bottom you should hopefully be able to trust that your Top has good intentions and is looking to play with you in a safe way while adhering to the limits that you have stated during negotiation. That they are not looking to take advantage of you or do things that weren’t discussed just because “well you didn’t say I couldn’t”. (This is also why I teach newbies to negotiate from an “I want to start with just doing x, y, and z” position rather than trying to think of all the things they don’t want to do.) As a Top you should be able to trust that the bottom has disclosed whatever medical issues, triggers, etc that they are aware of, along with things that may be unique to them as a player. For example, bottoms – if when you go into subspace you are barely aware of your surroundings or what year it is, this is something the Top should be made aware of!
However, guess what? Even after all that things can go wrong. The bottom may have forgotten to disclose something. The Top may have briefly had a brain fart regarding one of the bottom’s limits. The bottom may have been triggered by something they didn’t realize they would be triggered by. The Top may have done something that wasn’t spelled out in negotiations (not talking about major stuff). But remember, scenes are supposed to be fun. Especially with a new partner who is likely not to go too “deep” or too far in play the first time. Not everything will be spelled out in the negotiation – it’s not possible. Or, if possible, it would probably be a very boring, predictable scene.
So what do you do about that? Well, for starters, choose to play with people you can have a conversation with. I’m talking about a conversation beyond the negotiation. If these things happen (which they will) don’t jump to anger and blaming the other person. Start with personal responsibility. Look in the mirror and ask yourself what part of that do you hold accountability for? Acknowledge this to your partner. Hopefully they will acknowledge their part of whatever happened as well. TALK about the little things that happened and assume it was not born from manipulation or ill intent. Are some people douche-nozzles? Absolutely. However, most people aren’t looking to hurt you or create a bad reputation for themselves. Most people are doing the best they can or the best they know how to do. So talk about the scene. Make adjustments in your future negotiations if need be.
Just remember when you strip away the titles and the power exchange – we are all just human first.
Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.