bdsm

The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s

November 2, 2015 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

Comedian Steven Wright tells a story where, at 4 A.M., he goes to a diner that says, “Open 24 Hours” It was closed. The next day he asks the owner, “Aren’t you open 24 hours?” The owner replies, “Yeah, we are…but not in a row!”

There are many takes on the 24/7 Master/slave subject, but I personally believe you can be 24/7…but it doesn’t have to be “in a row.” (Note: 24/7 should not be confused with High Protocol relationships. We will cover Protocols – High, Medium and Low — in a future Kink Weekly edition.)

I know some couples in linear “in a row” 24/7 Master/slave relationships; but most Master/slave relationships are not of this variety. In fact, with real world concerns such as jobs and kids, this type of linear 24/7 Master/slave relationship is almost impossible — except for the few who are willing to make the demanding commitment that this type of relationship requires. Keeping these factors in mind, I have come up with a working definition that seems to cover all the bases.

“24/7 Master/slave is a mental/physical state of non-stop ownership.”

This definition explains why even non-live-in 24/7 Master/slave unions can be every bit as powerful their 24/7 live-in counterparts. My personal belief is that one can be owned 24/7, much like one can be married 24/7 — the marriage doesn’t end when you leave each other’s presence. But in the BDSM world there are many techniques that can be used to ensure the 24/7 dynamic stays strong – even when separated.

For example, in a collared relationship, the actual collar is a constant reminder of the slave’s submission. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Master touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to almost all of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. It might be said that the slave collar is the single biggest symbol that connects the slave to the Master/Mistress at all times.

But, there are other techniques that can keep the D/s dynamic intact when the two are apart. For example, I know a slave who wears ankle cuffs under her pants when she is in the business world. Many Dom/mes make their slaves wear some sexual device – such as a butt plug – while they are apart. This works – but it is usually not practical for a slave who has a desk job. LOL!

Luckily, there are new technologies that enable those in non-linear Master/slave relationships to maintain, and even add to, their 24/7 dynamic.
With the emergence of the smart phone, Master/slave relationships have a new ally. With the clever use of “smart phone-as-protocol,” one can easily uphold the Master/slave hierarchy at all times. For example, the slave can be required to call in when she arrives at work and say an affirmation. It can be one brief sentence (“Sir/Madame, I am your slave”) or even a picture; this can reinforce the both the Dom/me and slave’s consciousness of their respective roles. Smart phone based protocols can duplicate in-person rituals of a Master/slave relationship. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!)

I know a Master who calls his slave during her lunch hour and gives her a small task to perform. It might be very minor – such as her meditating for a minute or two. But, it does strengthen their Master/slave hierarchy in a truly innovative way. Likely the next generation of communication devices will open up even newer ways to extend the range of D/s for those in “24/7 but not in a row” relationships.

But does eliminating linearity as a requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master or Mistress. These are qualities that must be cultivated – whether it is 24/7, 5/3 or even long distance.

BDSM is constantly evolving. There cannot be one right way to do it. If you use a rigid definition of 24/7 Master/slave, you are excluding many couples who might have very potent power exchange dynamics. The strength of a slave’s submission, for example, is not necessarily proportional to the amount of hours per week spent in serving his/her Master/Mistress. I think it is, however, relative to the quality of the submission and the strength of the connection between the two – whether by cell phone, telepathy or spirit – during the time they are apart.

So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article might make you less scared to attempt it. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if not in a row! Tell us what you think in the comments.

by BAADMASTER
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Dexx Interviews Threshold

October 26, 2015 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Dexx: You both are board members of Threshold. Could you could tell me a bit of history about Threshold, how long its been around and how it got started?

Boogie: Threshold has been around since approximately 1982. We started as the Society of Janis that came from San Francisco. Then, I believe in 1988 we broke off from the society and changed our name to Threshold. We’ve been serving the community in the Los Angeles area ever since. That was our original history.

There’re a few different dungeons and fetish clubs around LA. What is it about Threshold that sets it apart from some of the other clubs?

Kathy: Threshold is a non-profit organization. Because of that we’re most interested in the education, safety and confidentiality of our members whereas other dungeons – not that there’s anything wrong with it and they certainly serve other portions of the community – they’re privately owned, are maybe professional dungeons where pro-subs and Doms work or they are actual pay dungeons. And as a result they have different goals than we do. Their priorities and goals are different. We are non-profit, we’re run solely by volunteers. We are run by the membership, we have an elected board. And although we do need to maintain a certain financial level, our priority is always going to be the education, the safety and confidentiality of our membership. And there are actually several organizations throughout the world that have similar agendas and goals and here a lot of us are affiliated, so that if I take my card and present if to one of our affiliates in say New Orleans, I can be welcomed as a member to create a family of affiliates. But non-profit educational organizations like us, we have a completely different set of goals than pro dungeons.

So how do you think that changes the experience for somebody that might come to the club as an attendee? Do you think it’s the same going to Threshold versus some of those other clubs or do you think there are some differences?

Boogie: There’s absolutely a difference. What we’ve found is strictly; and everyone here has been to a number of the other dungeons in our community so it’s not like we’ve only been to Threshold, the fact that we’re education based, non-profit, we have rules in place that protect our members. People tend to feel a lot safer here. People who are new tend to gravitate towards Threshold because it’s very well known that we have dungeon monitors and rules in place. You have to have a certain level of etiquette and social awareness to be able to stay in Threshold. So that makes people feel more comfortable playing and being vulnerable here. Once again, we’re not saying that edgier or hardcore or more swinger sexual based dungeons aren’t great, they are, but people tend to feel a lot safer playing here because there’s more of a community, family type of atmosphere here and they feel safer opening up and exploring that part of themselves here.

I gather the club is open to people of a wide variety of different orientations and roles and you have quite a variety of different types of events to reflect that. Are you able to talk about some of the type of events that you guys host there?

Boogie: Absolutely! We’re a pansexual organization and we do our best meet the needs of all orientations, genders, people who choose not to identify with a gender, and we try to have events that are geared towards each segment and community because there’re many communities. I mean there’s the transgender community, rope community, leather, community, gay community, there are many different types. So we really try to meet as many needs as we can and have events for those types of people who want to experience that.

How long have you personally been involved with Threshold either as board members or as members before that?

Kathy: I became a member in 2007. I started chairing here after that time. Threshold is really big on it as I said since Threshold is run by volunteers. Boogie and I both ran for the board for the first time this year. So I’ve been on the board for the past year and before that a member since 2007. I believe Boogie was in 2008.

Boogie: Yea for a little while and then hanging around, (laughs) we are here seven days a week.

Have you guys seen the crowd in terms of the type of people change over the eight years or so since you’ve been going there?

Boogie: Absolutely. We make a lot of jokes about Fifty Shades of Gray but everyone who is in this community understands that that movie opened up conversations in people who would not normally have conversations about kink and BDSM, and that has piqued so much curiosity, so many open conversations and a dialogue in the media that people are now literally flooding to find places where they can explore this type of activity- which of course once they get here they find out it’s ten times better than the movie. Except we don’t have a helicopter.

(laughs)One day, you might have to raise the membership dues a little bit

Boogie: And we’ll throw people off of the helicopter and we’ll call it a fetish.

As long as it’s consensual I’m sure its fine. Has Threshold as a club been through any challenges while you’ve been involved in the leadership?

Boogie: We’re very happy to report that in all the years that Threshold has been here, there has never been an external law enforcement or undercover investigation, or religious organization protest. We’re very well known because we’re non-profit, because we’re education based. Law enforcement has better things to do than go and harass people who are playing consensually and educating themselves. So we’ve actually been very very lucky.

And I understand that some of the members within threshold do some outreach to the local community and law enforcement to help educate them about what you do.

Boogie: Yes, we reach out, we haven’t done a lot of law enforcement outreach in a while but in the past we absolutely have reached out and offered panels, discussions, any questions they may have because we want them to understand what we do so when they go into a situation, an emergency situation, and they see kink and BDSM, that they have an understanding of what they are seeing and it may not necessarily be an automatic rape or assault. But that its just people enjoying being their kinky selves and so we do our best to reach out as much as we can.

That’s great. And you mentioned before that Threshold is affiliated with some other clubs around the country. So as part of that, have you come across other areas of the country where they do face greater challenges from their local communities or law enforcement or local government in terms of doing what they want to do?

Kathy: I personally have heard some. No specific instances but depending on the area of the country that they’re in, certainly if you’re in a very conservative area, some of these clubs will have a much harder time getting their permits or licenses, getting whatever it is that they need but again I cant say specifically. I have heard a few mentions about how difficult it is in other parts of the country. Every country, every city, every state has its own political agenda and so I can’t speak for any of them but I consider us very lucky here in Los Angeles. Places in other parts of the country will have other obstacles.

LA does seem to be pretty kink friendly. I’ve heard that Vegas is not particularly friendly towards kinky activities.

Boogie: Surprisingly, yes. They do a lot of house parties in Vegas but yeah, they really don’t have an open community. They have Sin in the City which is a big kink event, they have events on the strip but as far as a 24/7 dungeon, they really, you’d be surprised. They want people to keep gambling. If you give them spankings they’re not gambling.

Is that what it is (laughs)… sub space beats gamblers high. Now the other thing that I know you guys have been doing is the Perverted Podcast.

Boogie: The worlds greatest BDSM humor podcast of insanity and mayhem.

I’ve had the pleasure of listening to a couple of your episodes. So can you tell me a little about how you guys came up with the idea and what lead you to staring it off?

Boogie: I’ve been in entertainment for decades, comedy, I have a history in major market radio, so of course I’ve always have desired to do a show, to do a podcast and it was just a matter of finding some crazy people that understood the same passion for education like we have at Threshold. That’s pretty much where I got Kathy as our host and originally Phi who of course writes for Kink Weekly. And we got together and said “hey lets do this,” lets put together a fun show that we maybe don’t do guests – a lot of podcasts will have a guest for two hours. And they’ll talk about one topic. Well we’re segment based so we talk about a number of things and each thing gets eight minutes and then we sing horrible songs and put things in peoples’ asses and give spankings on the show. So we try to mix education with fun and bad rap and then out comes a great show that people seem to get really dedicated to.

That’s great. So have you built up a bit of a loyal base of listeners?

Boogie: Our fans seems to be incredibly dedicated. They listen to every show, they secretly listen to it at work because we are not suitable for work. What’s been really exciting in all of the emails, we get a lot of emails from people saying that they just feel like they’re hanging out with us and that they’re having these discussions with us and they’re a part of a more of a hanging out situation and that’s really what our goal was. Not to be an official broadcast that we give the information and you listen and are amazed. But really try to incorporate our listeners and their ideas into the show.

Are there any particular shows that have been highlights that stand out from the ones you’ve done so far?

Boogie: Well we recently just attempted to call Bigfoot. We had some devices to call Bigfoot and we dedicated the show to how exciting it will be once Bigfoot shows up. Of course for whatever reason Bigfoot did not show up.

Kathy: He’s not showing up.

Boogie: He could have shown up.

Kathy: Oh lord. Can I talk about my favorite show?

Boogie: Sure, the anal human maraca?

Kathy: No, poetry show. It wasn’t that popular but that poetry show was awesome and I think we’ll be starting to regret ever having suggested it.

Poetry show?

Boogie: Every few months we do a special poetry show which is all dirty poetry, haiku attack, and the kind of a whole street poet type of vibe to the show because I do a lot of poetry. And so we do that every few months and some people get it and some people don’t get it. Because they’re snobs and they just want Justin Bieber they don’t understand street poetry.

Haiku must be one of the two greatest things to come out of Japan, along with shibari.

Kathy: I love haiku. Haiku attack is my favorite. They’re easy to write, along with Boogie’s jingles. All of Boogies jingles are awesome.

Boogie: We have a lot of jingles

It must be a fair bit of work to produce a show every week then?

Kathy: The amount of work …I’ve started to feel very guilty about. It’s mostly on Boogie’s shoulders. He knows the equipment, he knows what to do. I basically show up.

Boogie: We do probably, 30-50 hours of production and promotion trying new ideas. I mean we’re still a new show so we’re still trying things and each one of those tings takes fivw hours. So we spend a lot of time, we’re really really dedicated and we don’t get paid so obviously we have to love it otherwise we’re just stupid.

Kathy: We got $30 from a patron.

Boogie: We’ve raised $30 and now we can buy Kathy underwear.

You’ll have a helicopter in no time. Boogie, I hear you have a bit of an interesting past before arriving in the fetish scene. Are you able to tell us a little bit about that?

Boogie: I did. One of things I love about having perverted podcast is it validates all of the drugs, abuse, pain, suffering, everything crappy that I did to myself or had done to me is validated when I do the show because I take those experiences from my past and talk openly about them on the show and then it helps somebody in the present.

Is it true that you were a minister at one point?

Boogie: Yes I was. I was a Christian preacher doing Christian comedy. And now I am an atheist activist.

That’s quite a turnaround

Boogie: You know what, if you’re going to do things do them in extremes. I touched both sides of the universe.

And what about you Kathy? How did you come to find your way into the kink scene?

Kathy: Basically I had a very boring past, nothing nearly exciting as Boogie and one year in 2007 I decided I would just started exploring this part of me that’s so huge and I’d never really given any thought to. Putting them in my fantasies and locking them tight in there. To me it was a revelation just to come into Threshold. And to see this family. It had a tremendous impact on my life. Suddenly I wasn’t alone. I was with this community of people who were just like me and they welcomed me and I felt, as corny as it sounds, alive for the first time. I try to give some of that back by volunteering at Threshold and making the same experience for others. And I consider the Perverted Podcast to be an extension of that. It might be more fun and even better we get to reach more people. The amount of fans we’ve gotten to write us and remind us which is something we forget that not everyone is living in a community like we have- the kind of freedom and this openness. I know what its like to live hiding a huge part of yourself so to know that I can have a great time on this show with Boogie and I can help people just feel a small amount of what I first felt when I first joined threshold in 2007. I couldn’t ask for anything better than that.

I think what you’re talking about in terms of people who kind of hide that part of themselves for a large part of their life before eventually having the courage to embrace it is something that I’ve heard from quite a few different people in the scene. Do you think that these days with the “Fifty Shades effect” and the internet, do you think there is an increasing acceptance of kink generally within society and that people are generally starting to become a but more willing to open up about it a bit earlier in their lives?

Kathy: That’s a tough one because its not like we can run our own study on it. I would say my opinion that having such a popular book come out like Fifty Shades of Gray it gives people permission to at least start looking at it. While in the past they would sit behind closed doors on their computer and never tell anybody that this is something they were looking into. So I’ll be honest, a lot of people in the community, we really don’t like that book because it is not representative of who we are but as Boogie said earlier, if it did anything, it brought kink into the mainstream. So I don’t think that it created kinky people I think it made it easy for people to venture out into an area they already wanted to venture out into.

Anything you’d like to close with?

Boogie: My final closing is pretty much one of the things we teach in orientation at Threshold. Whatever you’re personal desire is for yourself, whatever your limit is, whatever your curiosity is, that is the perfect limit for you and it doesn’t have to be for anybody else. We don’t want people to come in and tell you who you have to be. You get to decide who you have to be. if all you want to do is have a little spanking every now and again then that is amazing, please come and explore yourself at Threshold with that. You don’t have to be extreme, you don’t have to do anything scary or edgy and you don’t ever have to do things because somebody else is telling you to do it. Follow your own heart and be your own person

Kathy: I would say I would love to see our fans, the people who are listening to our show, contact us more and have more of a connection with us. We’re having a good time but this is really their show. If they don’t want to listen then we have no show then it’s just me and Boogie sitting alone and talking into a microphone. I would love the community to reach out more and tell us more about what they like what they don’t like what they want to learn about and the more we progress with the show. I’m seeing that more often, its making me happier. We’ve got the Perverted Podcast party coming up, we’ve got all kinds of things coming up. We love reaching out to our fans.

CountBoogie and Kathy are both members of the Threshold board of directors, a non-profit dungeon based in Los Angeles. You can also hear them weekly on their Perverted Podcast.

Wax Play for Beginners

October 26, 2015 By Baadmaster 7 Comments

We have covered some of the BDSM basics in our first few Kink Weekly articles. Now, let’s give you an edge play activity that is both exciting yet easy to do right “out of the box.”

One of the easiest to learn and have fun with is wax play – but only as long as you follow some of the basic rules I will outline below.

Simply put, wax play is the act of the Dominant pouring hot, melted wax onto the body of the submissive. This is a very popular BDSM activity because hot wax on the body can cause incredible sensations.

Compared to other edge play activities — knife play, fire play, breath control, needle play, gun play, temporary piercings, surface burns/temporary brandings, golden showers, fantasy rape and abduction, burial scenes, mummification and electrical play (most of which we will cover in future issues of Kink Weekly) – wax play would appear to be quite safe. Wrong.

Wax play, done improperly, can be quite dangerous. First of all, hot wax is – duh – hot. Too hot and it can hurt, scald or even blister the submissive. And although it is safe if you follow these precautions, I would still recommend you attend a Wax Play class at any of the local dungeons.

All candles do not burn at the same temperature. The temperature is determined by the kind of wax that you use. Never use beeswax; it gets very hot and can cause serious injuries. The most expensive candles — with their hardening agents, perfumes and other chemical additives — are often the ones that burn the hottest. So, start with cheap, paraffin based white candles. This is one of the few areas in life where cheaper is better.

Before dripping hot wax on a submissive, first perform a heat check. Hold the candle a couple of feet above the back of your hand and drip it there. If it does not burn you, then it is a go. If it does burn, experiment to find a safe dripping height. And keep this “safe height” firmly in mind during the session.

Start by dripping wax from a little above this “safe height.” You can gradually lower it, but never go below this “safe height.” If you wish to go lower, test it on yourself again. When dripping wax on sensitive areas (such as the breasts, nipples, clit, labia, penis, scrotum, rectum, etc) always err on the side of safety and drip from a greater height than usual.

Also, watch out for “pooling.” There are spots on the body which are natural depressions where the wax can “pool,” thus increasing the heat factor. This can lead to blistering.

Finally, keep a bucket of water handy. I have heard tales of a candle being dropped and the sheet set on fire. Fire is fire. Treat it as such.

If you take these precautions, wax play can be one of the safest forms of edge play.

Now for some extra fun! Peeling the wax off the skin can create a variety of intense sensations; peeling faster or slower, stopping and starting – peeling wax as a BDSM art form with the submissive as the canvas! Also, running a feather, fur glove or even a tongue over the peeled area can be a sexy way to prolong the waxing session. (However wax on hair can be a real pain to remove – be forewarned.) Also, use a throwaway sheet or drop cloth. Wax is really impossible to remove, despite what the late night TV hucksters claim for their super-duper amazo cleaning products!

Review: The Decameron

October 26, 2015 By anniebear 1 Comment

Dexx and myself had the distinct pleasure of spending a lot of time at The Decameron a few weeks ago. Not only did we use the private dungeon space for a daytime photoshoot (stay tuned for the upcoming results) but we also had the distinct pleasure of attending their inaugural 1010 Party on, you guessed it, October 10th.

The Decameron itself is very cozy and boutique located in Los Angeles. I give an enormous amount of applause to Mistress Lucy and Mistress Iris for their impeccable taste. This is not your typical red and black, dark dungeon space. The area boasts a bright and beautiful color palette of gray, yellow, and blue tones. There was definitely plenty of inspiration for Dexx and I to pull from for our own playroom plans. The furniture, constructed by Downtown Willie is both elegant and serviceable including a convertible cage/padded bed and also a wall with hard points that is a secret murphy bed. The play space opens up onto a private outdoor deck including a four-post bed and bathtub. While I was not lucky enough to take a dip, I can only imagine the debauchery that one could embark upon!

Serving as a wonderful photshoot location, the space also doubles as a great party venue. That evening, Dexx and myself returned to The Decameron for the 1010 Party. I was quite nervous; somehow knowing this would be different from the familiar crowd at the local LA dungeons. The 1010 Party was advertised as a place for “a new kind of kinkster.” The crowd was to be personally invited and curated by the mistresses themselves. Upon arrival, we were not disappointed. Having been warmly greeted by Mistress Lucy, we were shown in to find that The Decameron had been opened up to include the entire spacious apartment for party-goers to roam and play. There was a gorgeous assortment of food and drink, being judiciously tended to by any number of male slaves.

Dexx, always encouraging me to meet new people, introduced us around to some new faces while greeting a handful of familiar friends. Mistress Lucy and Mistress Iris gave a wonderful champagne toast, describing the origin of the name The Decameron as well as some history. The Decameron comes from an eponymous Italian book by Giovanni Boccaccio about the tales and exploits of seven women and three men (equally ten) who sheltered outside of Florence to escape the black plague.

While the crowd was well balance, because of the regular play parties I usually attend, I had not had the pleasure of witnessing so many beautiful and talented FemDoms in one place! It was so much fun watching them interact with their slaves. The party attendees were all exceptionally friendly, having met all of the hostesses for the evening including a lively chat with Ms. Rebecca Knox and Ms. Grace Marie.

We were told that this would become a semi-regular event to occur every two months or so. We surely hope this will be the case!

For bookings and information visit their site here.

FetLife Etiquette

October 26, 2015 By Jenn Masri 136 Comments

FetLife is meant to be the kink lifestyle version of Facebook. Many people assume it’s more like a dating site. However that was not the original purpose, which is why you can’t search for specific types. Just like anything online, FetLife is prone to trolling and people basically acting in a way they wouldn’t if they were standing in front of you. In this article I want to speak to four issues that I see on FetLife. I am positive that this article will not cover EVERY issue, however, I will cover the top four that stick out to me. Unfortunately the people that probably need to read this article are the ones that won’t, however, I’m hopeful that perhaps a few of them will happen upon these words.

The first issue is a pretty simple one: NOT READING PROFILES. Rather than sending someone a message based on their profile picture or just the fact that you know by looking at the top of their page they are the “role” that you’re looking for (aka sub, Dom, etc) look at those things as your first filter, but then keep reading. There’s a lot of important information you can find in somebody’s profile page – the first one being whether or not they have any protocol to follow or for you to follow in order to contact them. If they have someone that they are connected to – whether that person is someone they are in a D/s relationship with or someone that is protecting them – they may have certain rules about contacting other people. So if you don’t do that, you may not hear back from them. Whether or not you think you should have to contact somebody else first is beside the point.

You can also learn a lot from what they say in their “About Me” section. Perhaps the two of you have common interests, in or out of the kink scene that you can connect with them on, or it can give you some extra insight into the type of person they are. Their list of fetishes might tell you some things they may or may not enjoy, but don’t assume they’ll enjoy all of those things with YOU! You may find some common interest there as well but I don’t recommend starting with that. If you were trying to pick up on someone at, say, a vanilla event you wouldn’t start out by asking them their favorite sex position. Same thing here, you’re getting to know somebody – get to know them as a human being first. Look at the groups they are involved in – that may also give you some insight. Take a look if they have friends writing on their wall or how much activity they have had recently. This can tell you how active they are. Check out some of their writings if they have any. If they have many writings, maybe just check out the most recent ones. Again, this lends more insight into who they are and what they are about and may give you some additional information to reference when you start to message them.

I’m going to extend this etiquette rule to not only individuals but also events. Most event coordinators are perfectly happy to provide information about their event if you’re confused about something or not sure about something – they’re usually more than happy to help. However, please read the entire event page first and if there are links back to a group page that hosts the event, take a look there as well. If you have additional questions once you’ve done that then that’s the time to contact the host. People who create events put time and effort into managing those groups and event pages so that most of the information is there.

This moves me right into the second issue, which is the CUT AND PASTE MESSAGE. Don’t do that! While you might get away with this sometimes, you need to understand that many times (perhaps when you don’t get a reply and can’t fathom why) it’s because the person on the other end can tell that there is nothing personal about your message. This brings me back to why the first issue is so important. Also, if you’re messaging the same cut and paste message to multiple people – and especially when you have found those people through the friends list of the same people – those people do talk! I hear female s-types talking to one another all the time, comparing the messages they receive. So, once again, refer to issue number one -read the profile of the person you want to message and write the message accordingly.

Issue number three: FORCING A DYNAMIC. This applies to online and in person. Just because someone identifies as a babygirl, doesn’t mean you get to start referring to yourself as “Daddy”. Just because someone identifies as a Domme, doesn’t mean you should start calling them Mistress. Just because someone’s fetish list includes “dirty talk” or ” humiliation, doesn’t mean you start your message with, “How are you my dirty slut?” NO! Again, how they identify or what’s on their fetish list has NOTHING to do with you yet. Approach with respect and treat them like any other human being until (or if) the relationship progresses.

The final issue I am going to speak to is a bit more controversial; the issue of GENITALIA AS PROFILE PICS. I will give you my opinion here. If you have your genitalia as your profile pic I will make some initial assumptions. Keep in mind, just like meeting someone for the first time in person – your profile picture is your first impression. I will assume that you are only on Fet for sexual reasons and/or that is all you have to offer. I personally, don’t want to see it. If I look at your picture gallery and find pics of your junk (any gender) – well that’s on me. Still not my favorite, but much better than getting greeted with your erection or close up of your cervix every time you send me a message or pop up on my feed. On an even more personal level – as a female s-type if you are a male D-type that I may be interested in, I will be turned off by ANY pics of your package. To me personally it detracts from your confidence as a Dominant.

Now, having said all that, if you really are on Fet for mostly sexual adventures and want to attract others with the same goal, then let your privates march out in front for all to see! I am not going to not be your friend and I won’t think less of you. However, if that’s the first impression you choose, please understand when I don’t feel as badly when you are complaining about all the “unsolicited”, “aggressive”, or “creepy” messages you get.

I understand I may get some arguments over that last issue. Again, this is all my opinion. And it’s my article. So there. ;)
Feel free to add any additional FetLife etiquette issues that you have come across in the comments section below!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. We are delighted to have her as a columnist for Kink Weekly, offering particular insight into some of the common challenges that kinky people face in their relationships and journey in the lifestyle.

BDSM Aftercare

October 19, 2015 By Jenn Masri 6 Comments

What is aftercare? What does it entail? Why do people need/want it?

Aftercare, in its simplest definition, is something that takes place in the time following a scene. In my opinion, it’s best to think of aftercare as a part of a scene – the last chapter of the story, so to speak.

First, let’s talk about what aftercare may look like. It is different for different people. In general you will tend to see the bottom covered or wrapped in some kind of blanket if available, drinking water, perhaps laying with or next to the Top. They may have their head on the Top’s lap – either laying on a seat or bench next to them or sitting at the Top’s feet. Once they’ve rested for a bit they may look to eat some food and talk quietly about the scene or just about how both parties are feeling.

So what are some variations to this? Some bottoms have very specific aftercare requests. My advice to those with certain needs that aren’t guaranteed is to have those things on hand. If you always love to eat a cookie after play, bring a cookie. If you like a specific blanket, bring it. Don’t rely on your Top or the club to have these things on hand. There may be plenty of snacks out before you start your scene and by the time you’re done it’s all been eaten. Another idea (and great for fulfilling any “service” needs/fetishes you have) is to pack up a little picnic with water and snacks for both you and your Top. It is a very nice thing to do – especially if you know you will have a more intense scene.

Some bottoms or Tops need the opposite of the “norm”. They may need to be left alone for a certain amount of time. Perhaps they don’t like to be touched right after play for a while. They may not want to talk. There are some Tops that don’t enjoy giving aftercare, or whose aftercare requirements include activities that remove them from the bottom. Maybe they like to go straight outside to cool off and have a smoke.

Tops that don’t enjoy or don’t offer aftercare, for whatever reason, should discuss this during negotiation and offer other support or recommend that the bottom has another person for support or aftercare after the scene. Never leave a bottom hanging after a scene is over! Even if the bottom wants to not be touched or spoken to – still make sure you have an eye on them.
Also, leave enough time – don’t fill your dance card with scenes and no time in between for aftercare. Like I said, aftercare should be negotiated as a part of the scene. I recommend having no more than 1-2 “planned” scenes in one evening. If more happen and it’s all good – great. However, this allows for time in case something goes wrong, a bottom needs more time in aftercare, a trigger comes up, etc. You never want someone to feel bad or guilty because you make them feel rushed or that giving them aftercare is an inconvenience.

Having said that, just as some Tops don’t enjoy aftercare, there are bottoms that don’t need or want it either. If a bottom says they typically don’t need aftercare that’s ok. However, I still advise leaving enough time for it. The bottom may experience something in the scene that causes them to desire aftercare or perhaps they reach subspace (or a different level of subspace) and they want some aftercare. Again, better to make the time and not need it than to need it and not have the time.

So now the question is why? Why do people (for the most part) seek out aftercare? To me the reasons why fall under one or more of three categories – the 3 “R’s” – Reconnection, Reflection/debriefing, and/or Recouperation.

Reconnection. Most scenes include one or more of the following – role play/various headspaces, humiliation and/or degredation, and/or pain. Aftercare provides a time for both parties to connect with one another in a positive way – whether it’s a play partner who is an aquantance, friend or romantic partner. It reinforces the respect, friendship and/or love they have for one another.

Reflection/debriefing. This can be a time to talk a little about the scene itself. The good stuff as well as anything that may have triggered either party. Discussion over what worked or didn’t. Making sure that everyone is ok emotionally and psychologically. There may be more of this over the first few days following a scene but this can be a time to speak to it in general.

Recouperation. Make sure you are both drinking water and getting some food if necessary. If any minor injuries occured during the scene or something was uncomfortable physically this may be a time to double check and make sure it’s all good. Also, the bottom may be a bit “spacey” having gone into subspace a little or a lot. Aftercare gives them time to “come down a bit” so they can walk, talk, and eventually drive home. Sometimes you may not be in subspace but still feel sleepy or just generally “out of it” for a bit. These feelings go for Tops as well!

General rule: never take advantage of someone during aftercare! They are usually in an altered state due to the chemicals that were released in their body. You should not make any sexual advances or play advances during this time unless it was negotiated BEFORE the scene!

There is an extention of aftercare that also needs to be addressed. As the Top you should be prepared to check in with the bottom the next day and a couple days later. This is to cover any possible subdrop. If you know you won’t be able to check in, then make sure the bottom has arranged for another friend to check in with them or that they have alternative plans in place. Bottoms, this is also a great time to continue to reflect on the scene and write a message to your Top giving them feedback.

All in all, aftercare can be, and usually is, a lovely and peaceful time for both (or all) people involved in a scene. It serves many purposes for most people. I know a few folks that look forward to the aftercare even more than the scene itself! Don’t treat it as an afterthought – aftercare can be just as important as the play involved. Enjoy it!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer here.

Week of October 19th, 2015

October 19, 2015 By Desdemona Leave a Comment

Kink Weekly is on the road this week, reporting to you live from beautiful New Zealand. It’s a good distance from our usual base of Los Angeles, but we are pleased to find that the kink scene is alive and well down under. We’ll have a more detailed write-up about the local scene here in next week’s edition.

Dom Con Atlanta just finished up. By all accounts it was a great success. Our writer-in-attendance is still a little tied up, but just as soon as she comes out of subspace we’ll have a detailed review of the event for your reading pleasure.

In the meantime, we have some great material for you this week. Our guest author Jenny Pet pulls no punches with her edgy erotica “Bad Cop” – a step up in intensity from some of our previous fiction. In our first guest photography from “Vice Erotica”, Kirsten simmers in rope and lingerie. And don’t miss the first in our series of BDSM product reviews – starting this week with some leather wrist cuffs from Stockroom. Plus more from your favorite regular contributors Baadmaster and Jenn Masri.

Happy spankings!

-Dexx

anniebear the maid

October 12, 2015 By Desdemona 3 Comments

Mistress is out again. At coffee, or lunch, or brunch. Probably brunch. anniebear cleans. Sweep, mop, scrub… the weight of metal on wrists, ankles, neck, reminding her of her submission.

Steel wrist cuffs and ankle cuffs supplied by Stockroom.

Opinion: The roles that bind

October 12, 2015 By Simon Blaise 9 Comments

Why I feel a switch is more of a master than a master

The reason I’m writing this is to help those who have hit a wall and have finally stopped believing everyone who refers to them as such just because they typed it on a screen when creating a profile – but rather hears the quiet voice in their head that speaks only the truth that they can no longer ignore.

Mastery as a Verb (Not as a TPE, management of slaves, or anything else, just a verb)
As a verb, (which is the only definition I personally feel fits “Master” in the context of a kinkysexual lifestyle), is defined as:

1. To acquire complete knowledge or skill in an accomplishment, technique, or art.

2. gain control of; overcome.
synonyms: learn, become proficient in, know inside out, know (frontward and) backwards; pick up, grasp, understand; get the hang of

If one were to call themselves “Master”, they are saying they know something “inside out”. The only type of kinkysexual I have personally experienced that knows kink “inside out” is a switch.
If you believe you are a master who knows kink “inside and out” without ever bottoming, this article is not for you – yet, or perhaps ever. So you can stop reading now, but feel free to bookmark this if anything ever changes.

Moving on, I’ve bottomed to, and even served, leather masters now and again over the last 20 years and I found those who never switched knew the out very well, but not the inside – you can’t say anything to these people, just don’t return their calls and emails.
So how can we call a person who never bottomed “master” without quietly saying to ourselves “I’m just going to be polite and call that person master so as to avoid making any waves.” I don’t have an answer.

Mastery is Overcoming
To master something, one overcomes. If kink is the only thing in life you feel you have mastered, then this may be hard to understand.

What does a master who never bottoms overcome? Carpal-tunnel syndrome?

For someone who never bottoms, where is the fear? Where is the fear to overcome? Does one even know what the fear feels like when one never experiences giving up total control?

So in a sub-conclusion, a switch, by definition, has done the work that other masters in other disciplines must do to earn the title master. However, and ironically, switches do not usually claim the title master out of humility and desire to remain unchained to words. That is why I feel switches should be considered masters of kink.

Enslavement to Roles
If you are enslaved to a role, can you be a master or even a slave to another master? (That’s a question only you can answer for yourself.)

Thousands of years ago, it was written in a fantastic story book, also referred to as a “bible” by some: “No one can serve two masters. Either you will hate the one and love the other, or you will be devoted to the one and despise the other.”

For me, I feel as a global kinkysexual community, we are becoming more and more enslaved to roles like top and bottom, dominant and submissive, and master and slave, that I have seen tend to hinder, not broaden, sexual experiences.

Roles in Relationships as Opposed to Play
You may have a default comfort in relationships like me. I’ve never had a relationship where I’m a submissive or slave because outside of the kink of submission itself to simply have mind blowing orgasms, it doesn’t make me happy or I haven’t found anyone who could inspire submission or surrender on a relationship level – until that happens, I will never really know, but since there’s absolutely nothing to be ashamed of when it comes to submission or surrender, I will keep an open mind.

Actually, the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life were with kinkysexuals who refuse to adopt a role, but adopt and accept themselves, and do whatever the hell they feel like at the moment – now that’s dominating life and society’s nonsense in my opinion. Consequently, over the years, I have become more and more inspired to free myself of “role bondage” by these marvelous and powerful creatures who had no shackles to bare.

Is Mastery outside of Kink the same as Mastery in Kink?
In martial arts, a master has a long history of enduring pain, the physical pain when struck and the emotional pain of defeat when bested by their master over and over again. I know of no masters in martial arts who only kick others and never receive a kick themselves. And if you have a traditional martial arts training experience, you’re basically a slave without the sex and play.
In naval traditions, masters of a ship had to start out as midshipmen. They endured the humiliation and challenge of recruit training and service on a ship before becoming a master of their own ship.
The examples go on and on.

So that begs the question…why is being a master in kink any different?

The simple answer: It really isn’t. Why?

To top or bottom is more of an act than a role, like being a punching bag for your martial arts master and fellow students. However, many act as though both top and bottom are roles that bind because they think everyone else believes acts define us as human beings, when acts actually enrich us – and heaven forbid others think of us as not conforming to those standards in kink that keep us cool, palatable and acceptable.

What really happens is that the roles obfuscate the need for knowledge and awareness so as it cannot be obtained by a shackled mind. If you must have a role, I feel the best role in kink is “perpetual student” and when your white flogger has turned black over the years, you’ve become a master.

Effects of the Roles that Bind
I have met many who identify as one role and act outside of that role with guilt, turmoil, or shame. We would have a stronger community if we supported, not judged or exiled, other kinkysexuals who venture out beyond their initial programming no matter where it takes them in kink.

Conclusion
Again, if you’re happy and smiling in your role, keep up the good work. This is for those who are expanding beyond their initial roles and feel bad about it.

I’m not saying that there is no one who is a total slave in kink. I’m saying that if you suspect a role is what’s keeping you in a holding pattern, it’s time to ask yourself – “why isn’t kink making me smile anymore?”

We are human, which means we can be more than roles if we choose. There is not one right way, but many. Consequently, roles can sometimes fool us into thinking there is “one way” to be and “one way” to experience kink.

We need freedom to be human and environments that stifle freedom only hinder our evolution and growth towards a more loving and compassionate community. I hope this article adds to an environment of acceptance of those who are hard to accept by others and themselves.

*As for social masters in the communities out there who were covered because of their service to their community, that’s a whole other animal and not what I am addressing here. I know plenty of covered masters who get down in all sorts of ways according to what turns them on – and that’s awesome in my book.

Since his introduction into the BDSM lifestyle in the early 90s, the “Kinkstar” Simon Blaise has shared his passion for BDSM with the world as an international presenter at BDSM/Leather events across the globe for the last 8 years. As an attorney, he has provided probono legal services to members of the BDSM, Leather and LGBT communities for the last 10 years. As a transgender person who lives equally as both a male and a female, he hopes to pave the way for others in our community to feel more comfortable about living authentically and openly. You can learn more about him here.

Do you agree that a switch is more of a master of BDSM than a master? Have your say below…

Slave vs. submissive

October 12, 2015 By Baadmaster 17 Comments

Just go to any BDSM party and bring up the topic, slave vs. submissive (or bottom), and you will start the gazillionth debate on this topic. Join any Internet BDSM posting group and doubtless you will have your e-mail box chock full of mail whenever this topic is brought up. Since there are no hard and fast definitions of submissive and slave, much of what has been written falls into the “opinion” category. And in order to keep confusion to a minimum, I will use submissive as equivalent to “bottom.” (Could this be yet another article?!)

So why am I adding yet another opinion to the piles of verbiage that have already been compiled on this topic? I attempt, in Kink Weekly, to simplify much of what has heretofore been presented in an overly complicated way. And I think there is room for a more succinct view in the “slave vs. submissive” debate.

I think we can safely say that slave is not a higher version of submissive. There is no food chain or hierarchy here, no matter what you might have read. But they are not equivalent. So, then, what is the difference? I believe it is the mindset. And the most concise explanation I have found that illustrates the differences in mindset between the two is contained in the following two lines:

“Submissives need to be told what to do.
Slaves need to do what they are told “

These sixteen words can never replace the volumes already written on this subject; the topic is far too complex for such a simple resolution. But it does have a lot to recommend it from a philosophical standpoint. Let’s take a look at these two lines and see what revelations it holds within it.

The first line, “submissives need to be told what to do” implies that submissives need direction from the Dom/Domme. This fits right into our concept of “training”; the submissive is molded by the Dominant to please the Dominant. They might even need a lot of training – reward and punishment — simply to learn to obey. This is because the sub’s prime directive is not necessarily to obey; it is to please. If they can do that without obeying that is fine with most submissives. Remember, ‘bratty subs’ are still subs, after all!

The second line, “slaves need to do what they are told,” shows that the slave needs to obey – he/she is simply wired that way. That is their prime directive. There is no implication that they need to be molded in any way. They simply have an overwhelming need to obey. A “bratty slave” seems somewhat of an oxymoron and our two-line definition supports this view.

Many say the mindset for a sub and a slave are quite different. And this definition implies this view. But any time you try to distill the wisdom of many down to a couple of lines, you run the risk of oversimplifying. And I am taking that risk here. Still, I think that these two lines do illustrate the mental differences between submissive and slave in a uniquely perceptive way.

In the movie “Fifty Shades of Grey,” which I am sure some of you have seen, the sub vs. slave debate is illustrated quite clearly. While Christian wanted a “slave” – he even offered Anastasia a “slave contract” – she was at most a submissive and likely not ready to be a “slave.”

The moral of this story is that a Dom/Domme should have a feel for whether a candidate is submissive or slave material. Because if he/she doesn’t, even a helicopter and a billion dollars won’t make someone into something they are not.

Next week we will be giving you BDSM play techniques for “Wax Play.” Enough theory (although you should know some), it is time for PLAY!!!

Do you agree with my definition of submissives versus slaves? Let me know what you think in the comments section.

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