fetlife

First Impressions- Tips for a Good Fet Profile

August 6, 2018 By GlassMenagerie 13 Comments

Hall of Frames: Hallway Rear [Self-Portrait by Domina Mara]

For a long time I felt there was part of me that was unfulfilled. I knew that my thoughts and desires were different than the mainstream. I knew what I craved, but felt so alone in it. To help me gain some insight, I started doing research to learn more about fetishes and kink. After a while, I stumbled across Fetlife.

To join the site you first need to create a profile. While it’s tempting to rush through things and get to the “good stuff,” taking your time with your profile is essential because it represents you. It gives others a first impression of who you are, why you’re on Fetlife, and what you hope (if anything) to get out of it.

To me, the About Me section is the most essential part of a Fetlife profile. Here are some tips regarding this section that I have found useful.

Setting Up Your Profile- The About Me Section

Here are some things to think about as you write the “about me” portion of your profile:

Safety

Although I’d love to say that everyone has the best of intentions in life that simply isn’t true. Safety and protection of your personal information needs to be considered. For instance;

Don’t include contact information like phone numbers, your address, or email on your profile -remember your profile can be publicly viewed by other members! (I know this seems obvious, but I’ve seen it)
Don’t use your real name for your username or share your real name or the names of family members
Don’t share other ways people can contact you off of Fetlife
If you’ve set your location to Antarctica because you don’t want others to know your exact location, then don’t join groups that have your city or state listed either i.e. The California Kinksters Group
I would also advise that you don’t share your occupation, especially if you are in public service

What would you like people to know about you?

Describe your personality: are you outgoing or more introverted? Kind-hearted? Super smart? Have a great sense of humour?
Describe a bit about who you are. I did this by dividing it into two sections, “Kinky Me” and “Vanilla Me”. In the “Kinky Me” section, I describe who I am as a submissive and things I enjoy. In “Vanilla Me,” I share mostly interests and hobbies. As someone new you could talk about what you’ve learned about yourself so far and/or mention that you’re simply exploring who you are.
If you’re currently in an established dynamic/relationship and have preferences for how you are contacted and how people interact with you, the “About Me” is a great place to share that information i.e. “I am currently owned and collared. All messages must be directed to my Dominant.”
I prefer to keep my friends list small. Partly because I have pictures of my face set to friends only. I also like to keep my home feed something I can manage so I can see and enjoy what my friends have posted. It’s important to me to have developed a bit of a friendship through meeting at munches or through interactions on Fetlife before I add anyone. Because this matters to me, I also take the time to mention this on my profile. This way I don’t get a ton of unwanted friend requests, and if someone sends me one without previous contact, I know they haven’t taken the time to read my profile. The amount of friends you’d like is of course up to you and how you want to experience Fetlife.

Why did you come to Fetlife?

Although Fetlife is not set up as a dating website, many people meet and connect with potential partners as well.
Think about your reasons for joining and whether you want to share them. It’s helpful for others who are looking for a potential partner to see if you are as well or just focused on friends and events.
You’ll find by sharing what you hope for upfront, it’ll help you avoid some unwanted messages.

Odds and Ends

Other things I’ve seen included on profiles

Favourite quotes and writers
Websites or other places members write and share their kinky selves
Favourite music and song lyrics
Bucket lists- a kinky “want to” try list
Shortcuts to favourite writings or pictures they’ve posted

Tips

Be positive. Often, I see profiles with a huge list of rules for contact. While it’s proactive to state what you are open to, long lists of “do nots” may give a negative impression and discourage others from reaching out. (unless that’s your intent)
Leave space between paragraphs and information. Format your “About Me”. Long blocks of text can be overwhelming to the reader as well as challenging to read.
Think about how long you want your profile to be. If people need to read a small novel they are less likely to take the time to read it
Resist the temptation to write “I don’t know what to say, just ask,” Investing time into writing your profile leads to a better understanding of “you” and a more fulfilling time on Fetlife overall (at least that’s been my experience)
Think of it as a FAQ-What are people mostly likely to ask you?
Remember that nothing is set in stone. You have the ongoing ability to change a lot about your profile including the about me section. As you change on your journey, what you want to include on your profile will too

As they say on Fetlife, “Happy Perving!”

About the Author

GlassMenagerie has a love and fascination with the written word, and the way it has the power to elicit different feelings in the reader, especially desire.

The last year has been one of self-discovery as she stumbled upon the world of kink, and found the very things she had been craving down in her core, at last, began to make sense.

Writing most often about her journey as a submissive (identifying as a Babygirl and Little), she enjoys sharing her erotic fiction and poetry on Fetlife. Her work is sometimes a reflection of her past experiences or just her kinky mind running wild.

https://fetlife.com/users/8127037

Creating Your Identity

October 23, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Don’t get me wrong – I’m not referring to how you identify in terms of D/s roles, gender or sexual orientation. This article is about forming your online identity when you enter the world of kink and creating your name and online profile on Fetlife (or other online forum).

This is inspired from two separate reader questions (one on kinkweekly and another sent to me privately). The question sent to kinkweekly was as follows,

“I do have one question about profiles in general. What makes for a good ‘about me’ section? I am horrible at writing about myself, but don’t want the ‘about me’ to just say UNDER CONSTRUCTION for a long time. Any thoughts or tips are appreciated.”

The question posed to me directly was this,

“May I ask how you chose your name? Do you use a particular name that always sticks with you? Any guidance would be sincerely appreciated.”

I figured these two topics are somewhat related – so why not tackle them together. I will start with the name. This was what I sent in response to the private message:

My first fetlife name was actually pulled from my email address at the time. After a while (can’t remember how long it was) I decided to change it to something more meaningful to me.

When I entered the kink scene I was coming out of a 17 year vanilla marriage – going thru a divorce. I felt that I had been living the way I “should” all my life – doing what was expected…. college, marriage, kids, etc.
When I discovered the scene I felt like I found my calling and my people – which I never knew existed before.
Hence the lostnfound1 name.

So I’d say choose something that has meaning for you. Also keep in mind you can change it. I may have changed mine at some point except that once I started doing education classes, parties, etc. I didn’t want to confuse people.

Also keep in mind that this will be a name that you will use when you meet people and they want to friend you – so be careful of it being too complex, weird spelling, etc.

One more thing to think about. Some people choose their name by their kink and then it can be awkward at a munch saying, “oh yeah friend me on fetlife – my handle is PutEverythingInMyAss” lol

So there’s my advice on choosing a handle, or screen name, for your online profile.

Now on to the reader question about filling out the ‘about me’ section of your profile. This is difficult when it comes to specific advice because, well, it’s about YOU! However, I have some things for you to think about as you create and fill in your page. Keep in mind that this will be the first, if not only, impression that people have of you. It will also be what people have to go on if they want to correspond with you. Also keep in mind that many people will not read your profile and only go off what they see in your pictures.

I’m going to put some examples out there in the hope that you can take it from there.

I had a friend who was getting tired of always getting rude propositions from men online. Her profile talked about how she identified as a submissive and some of her main kinks. Her pics were 80% nude shots or her during sex acts. One of her kinks is exhibitionism – which is great, nothing wrong with that. She was putting out to the internet what she enjoyed as it fed into her kink. Could her profile focus a bit more on her vanilla interests or include more G rated images? Sure. I’m not here to judge her page, however, I wasn’t surprised that she received many messages that infuriated her and made her feel like “all they want is sex”. All the men had to go on were sexually charged words and images – they had no other way to connect to her. Again, no judgement – just food for thought.

Another friend who had his penis as his profile pic kept wondering why he kept getting ignored or attacked by the women he was messaging online. He was writing thoughtful messages – not even copy paste! 😉 Many people are turned off by a profile picture that is just genitalia. Not all people – I get that – but many. They have a hard time getting past it to get to know the rest of the person. If he only wanted to meet those that enjoyed it then that’s cool. However, in his desire to meet a life partner he decided to change his profile picture.

I could go thru a bajillion more examples – but just keep in mind that the person looking at your profile doesn’t know you as a human being. Look at your own page from a stranger’s angle – or have friends help – and ask yourself if it represents who you are and what you want to put yourself out there as.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

This week in kink, July 25th, 2016

July 25, 2016 By Desdemona 1 Comment

London: Piggybacking on a previous article we featured a few weeks ago, feminist pornography producer Pandora Blake is back again. This time she is helping reshape the way the general population views “taboo” fantasies such as spanking and rape play. Thanks again in part to The Guardian who seems to be featuring more and more BDSM oriented news these days.

Worldwide: Recently Fetlife, the most popular social network for kinky people was no longer accepting new members. While the specific reasons were not clear, some speculate that Fetlife was under attack from spammers and those wishing to sabotage the beloved websites efforts. As of this week, things are back up and running as usual. We hope that Fetlife is able to maintain their popular service.

Worldwide: The debate rages on; does going to see a Dominatrix count as cheating? I personally believe in mutual consent in any type of relationship but what about a nonsexual play scene? This interesting read discusses both sides of the coin.

New York: This is a really great photo spread and read of a Dominatrix and her client. I enjoyed the insight she gives on her journey becoming and coming to terms with domination.

Cíao from Italy! I’m wrapping up my trip this week with anniebear and heading back stateside. I’m excited about this week’s sexy video from Kinbaku Tanto. I could get lost for hours in his intricate rope videos.

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainsteam media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”!

-Dexx

FetLife Etiquette

October 26, 2015 By Jenn Masri 136 Comments

FetLife is meant to be the kink lifestyle version of Facebook. Many people assume it’s more like a dating site. However that was not the original purpose, which is why you can’t search for specific types. Just like anything online, FetLife is prone to trolling and people basically acting in a way they wouldn’t if they were standing in front of you. In this article I want to speak to four issues that I see on FetLife. I am positive that this article will not cover EVERY issue, however, I will cover the top four that stick out to me. Unfortunately the people that probably need to read this article are the ones that won’t, however, I’m hopeful that perhaps a few of them will happen upon these words.

The first issue is a pretty simple one: NOT READING PROFILES. Rather than sending someone a message based on their profile picture or just the fact that you know by looking at the top of their page they are the “role” that you’re looking for (aka sub, Dom, etc) look at those things as your first filter, but then keep reading. There’s a lot of important information you can find in somebody’s profile page – the first one being whether or not they have any protocol to follow or for you to follow in order to contact them. If they have someone that they are connected to – whether that person is someone they are in a D/s relationship with or someone that is protecting them – they may have certain rules about contacting other people. So if you don’t do that, you may not hear back from them. Whether or not you think you should have to contact somebody else first is beside the point.

You can also learn a lot from what they say in their “About Me” section. Perhaps the two of you have common interests, in or out of the kink scene that you can connect with them on, or it can give you some extra insight into the type of person they are. Their list of fetishes might tell you some things they may or may not enjoy, but don’t assume they’ll enjoy all of those things with YOU! You may find some common interest there as well but I don’t recommend starting with that. If you were trying to pick up on someone at, say, a vanilla event you wouldn’t start out by asking them their favorite sex position. Same thing here, you’re getting to know somebody – get to know them as a human being first. Look at the groups they are involved in – that may also give you some insight. Take a look if they have friends writing on their wall or how much activity they have had recently. This can tell you how active they are. Check out some of their writings if they have any. If they have many writings, maybe just check out the most recent ones. Again, this lends more insight into who they are and what they are about and may give you some additional information to reference when you start to message them.

I’m going to extend this etiquette rule to not only individuals but also events. Most event coordinators are perfectly happy to provide information about their event if you’re confused about something or not sure about something – they’re usually more than happy to help. However, please read the entire event page first and if there are links back to a group page that hosts the event, take a look there as well. If you have additional questions once you’ve done that then that’s the time to contact the host. People who create events put time and effort into managing those groups and event pages so that most of the information is there.

This moves me right into the second issue, which is the CUT AND PASTE MESSAGE. Don’t do that! While you might get away with this sometimes, you need to understand that many times (perhaps when you don’t get a reply and can’t fathom why) it’s because the person on the other end can tell that there is nothing personal about your message. This brings me back to why the first issue is so important. Also, if you’re messaging the same cut and paste message to multiple people – and especially when you have found those people through the friends list of the same people – those people do talk! I hear female s-types talking to one another all the time, comparing the messages they receive. So, once again, refer to issue number one -read the profile of the person you want to message and write the message accordingly.

Issue number three: FORCING A DYNAMIC. This applies to online and in person. Just because someone identifies as a babygirl, doesn’t mean you get to start referring to yourself as “Daddy”. Just because someone identifies as a Domme, doesn’t mean you should start calling them Mistress. Just because someone’s fetish list includes “dirty talk” or ” humiliation, doesn’t mean you start your message with, “How are you my dirty slut?” NO! Again, how they identify or what’s on their fetish list has NOTHING to do with you yet. Approach with respect and treat them like any other human being until (or if) the relationship progresses.

The final issue I am going to speak to is a bit more controversial; the issue of GENITALIA AS PROFILE PICS. I will give you my opinion here. If you have your genitalia as your profile pic I will make some initial assumptions. Keep in mind, just like meeting someone for the first time in person – your profile picture is your first impression. I will assume that you are only on Fet for sexual reasons and/or that is all you have to offer. I personally, don’t want to see it. If I look at your picture gallery and find pics of your junk (any gender) – well that’s on me. Still not my favorite, but much better than getting greeted with your erection or close up of your cervix every time you send me a message or pop up on my feed. On an even more personal level – as a female s-type if you are a male D-type that I may be interested in, I will be turned off by ANY pics of your package. To me personally it detracts from your confidence as a Dominant.

Now, having said all that, if you really are on Fet for mostly sexual adventures and want to attract others with the same goal, then let your privates march out in front for all to see! I am not going to not be your friend and I won’t think less of you. However, if that’s the first impression you choose, please understand when I don’t feel as badly when you are complaining about all the “unsolicited”, “aggressive”, or “creepy” messages you get.

I understand I may get some arguments over that last issue. Again, this is all my opinion. And it’s my article. So there. 😉
Feel free to add any additional FetLife etiquette issues that you have come across in the comments section below!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. We are delighted to have her as a columnist for Kink Weekly, offering particular insight into some of the common challenges that kinky people face in their relationships and journey in the lifestyle.

fetlife

Footer