Classes

Joining the Kink Community

August 28, 2017 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Discovering the world of kink can be a fabulous and overwhelming experience. So where do you go? What do you do? This can be especially nerve wracking if you are coming in like I did – unpartnered and clueless.

In my opinion Fetlife is the best way to find events in the scene. Most event coordinators will promote there whether or not they promote elsewhere. So the first step, if you haven’t already, is to join Fetlife. Go to Fetlife.com and create a profile. Feel free to use a stock photo or a picture of your dog as your profile pic until you come up with something better. Just don’t leave it empty for long. The profiles with a big “?” as the profile pic may make people think it’s a fake account, you’re a troll, etc. Also, keep in mind my next step will only work if you input your actual city or one that is near you. I understand if you are uncomfortable putting your specific city name – but even a nearby city will work. For example if you live in Santa Monica (which is a beach city near Los Angeles) then use Santa Monica or Los Angeles. However, if you use Antarctica (and don’t actually live there) then my next suggestion will not work.

On to the next step. Along the top of the site you will see a link for “Events” – click on it. Under “Upcoming Events” you will notice three tabs. “Friends RSVPed to”, “Near Me”, and “All Events”. If you are brand new to the site, chances are you don’t have any (or many) friends on your friends list yet, so that tab won’t offer much. The “All Events” tab will be overwhelming and probably take you a while to scroll through, however, if you posted a fake city this will be your option. So that leaves you with the “Near Me” tab. Click it! You will probably have to get through the first few pages of events that recently happened before you get to the current date. Then look at each event listed for the dates coming up that you have some free time. My opinion is that you focus on finding a class first. Starting with classes accomplishes a few things – you learn something regardless of current interests, you meet people in a non-pressure environment, and if you are on the shy side there is less expectation of socialization. So find a class on any topic that works for your schedule and GO!

(*If you are in the Los Angeles area I know a wonderful BDSM 101 Series at Sanctuary you can attend every Monday at 8pm – wink wink.)

My first class was on singletails (a.k.a whips). Was I interested in singletails? Nope. Did they, in fact, terrify me? Yep. I went anyway because I figured I would meet other people who were active in the scene and possibly learn something – or at least have fun watching the demo. Sure enough, all of those things happened. There was no pressure to play (because it wasn’t a party), going alone wasn’t awkward, and even though I am very social and extroverted, there was more focus on the class and presenter, which was nice given my newbie status.

Once you’re at the class be sure to approach either the instructor (after the class is finished) or another classmate that looks friendly and let them know you’re new and wondering what other classes or munches are coming up. Ask if they will be there – then you will have a familiar face to look for.

Go to more classes, start attending munches. Munches are just where a group of kinksters get together in a vanilla setting (usually a restaurant) to eat and socialize. Let people know you’re new and looking for friends and other events. Once you are ready to attend a play party you will have met lots of people and started to create a friends list. You will have people to reach out to and to look for and talk to at events.

I know you may be anxious to start playing and/or finding a partner. However, my advice is to slow it down and take your time. Get to know the scene and the people in it. Get a feel for who is experienced in the type of play you want to try, who you can trust, etc. I know it can be overwhelming and scary at first – and your experience will differ depending on how big your local scene is – but enjoy the process. View it as an adventure to be explored!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Five Reasons to Support Your Local BDSM Community

July 3, 2017 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

Here are 5 reasons to support your local BDSM Community:

1) If you are new I highly suggest you get out and start by attending classes and munches. Even if a class topic doesn’t particularly interest you I still suggest going if you can. No matter what, you will learn new things, meet new people, or perhaps run into people you’ve met at previous classes and/or munches, etc. Take some time to simply absorb and observe. If you go to play parties there is nothing wrong with (respectfully) watching people play. You can learn so much by doing this!

2) If you aren’t so new to the scene I always suggest still going to events and classes. My philosophy is that you can stop learning when you die. There will always be new perspectives and techniques that you haven’t been exposed to. Or perhaps another generation of kinksters begins writing their own rules. May as well be aware of the changes, right? Classes also serve as reminders of things we may forget or not really think about anymore. Another great thing about getting out to any event – classes, munches, parties – is that it creates an opportunity for you, the seasoned player, to offer your knowledge and/or experiences to newer folks. Whether that’s through talking to them or being one of the scenes they happen to observe that night.

3) Keep events up and running. Any event is in danger of no longer continuing if people don’t go. Feed the educational cycle – help parties and munches last. This is especially true in smaller cities or towns. Even in Los Angeles I have seen munches and parties end due to lack of interest or attendance. Then people complain that they don’t happen anymore. You gotta show up!

4) Support local vendors. This is the idea of buying local as opposed to big companies. Vendors that you see sitting behind booths at events put hours of work into their craft. Each piece typically made by hand. Consider purchasing from them instead of big on-line companies. The more they sell, the more they can put back into their business and create more fabulous items!

5) If you see a void that needs to be filled – stop complaining and make it happen! This was my philosophy when I started my BDSM 101 class series as well as the parties I host. I wanted to create things that I wished I’d had when I was new. If you really wish there was a party with a specific theme or that caters to a specific crowd – talk to venue owners and see if you can give it a go! If you feel like the community needs a certain class taught – try to put it together. Whether it means you are qualified to teach it or if you need to find someone else to teach it – chances are if you want to see that topic taught, others do too. If you feel like your city could use a munch in your area, host one! If it starts out a little slow I suggest you stick with it for a few months at least. Sometimes new events can take a bit to catch on.

Bottom line is that we get what we give. Enjoy the things (parties, classes, locally made implements/goods, etc.) that are available to you so they can continue and if you see a void, do what you can to fill it. This community is its own giant energy exchange! ☺

Jenn: My First Class in the BDSM Scene

May 1, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

So one reason I started my weekly BDSM 101 class series is that when I entered the scene I couldn’t find something similar. My intro was thru a friend of a friend who pointed me in the direction of Fetlife. I was going through a divorce, was in my early 30’s and had two young children. I didn’t know anyone in the community – nobody to show me around or introduce me to people. I remember learning to navigate through Fetlife and trying to find any classes or socials (aka munches) that I could find and could get out to. As luck (?) would have it I stumbled upon a class that was offered at a time I could go. It was a class on singletails. (Now do you understand why I use the term “luck” loosely? lol) Keep in mind I just wanted to get out and start exploring – I didn’t really care what the topic was. I hadn’t come across any 101 or beginners classes that were being taught that week. So I decided to go.

The class was being held at Threshold. Funny story – I had already been to Threshold, just had never gone inside. I had driven there for a party but didn’t realize where the entrance was and ended up (after attempting the wrong door) going home. I believe this was before they added the giant “T” to the door, however, I’m not even sure I drove far enough in to see it regardless. For the class I somehow figured it out and went inside.

It was a smaller class – maybe 6-8 people plus the instructor. Unfortunately I can’t remember the instructor’s name. A handful of people seemed to be familiar with the topic, whips in hand, and comfortable in their chairs as we waited for class to begin. I sat next to a young man who seemed to be as equally terrified as I was. For most of the class I sat there, wide-eyed, as I watched the instructor demonstrate how to use the whip to simply catch the bottom’s hair. All the while trying to avoid eye contact with him so that I wasn’t called upon to volunteer. I’m sure he went over other exercises but much of it is a blur now. Until he got to the end of the class and started demonstrating “wrapping”. The only thing I could compare it to was the thought of Indiana Jones throwing his whip to wrap up an enemy and take them down. He asked for a volunteer to demo this “wrapping” technique. Crap – he was looking in our direction, so I did what any kind and thoughtful person would do and nudged the other newbie and encouraged him to volunteer! Lol I told him he had to tell me if it hurt. He agreed to go up. The instructor told him to hold his arms out and wrapped each of his arms. He came back to his seat and assured me there was absolutely no pain. Ok – be brave Jenn – I volunteered to give it a go.

I walked to the center of the room. I was asked to put my arms out to the side just like my new friend before me. He threw the whip and I think I closed my eyes and winced until I realized the whip circled my arms without an ounce of pain. What?! So he asked if he could do it again, but this time around my waist. Sure – I mean no biggie now right? This doesn’t hurt at all! So, with my arms still outstretched to the side, he crouched a little and threw the whip from more of a side angle. It wrapped a couple times around my waist. Then he did something I did not expect. He used the whip that was around me to pull me towards him. Holy moly. I’m sure I blushed. It was so hot! Trust me, it was not the instructor that made it hot (sorry whoever it was!) – it was the entire action of being wrapped up and controlled by this implement that had seemed so scary!

After the instructional part of class was over they set up stations with plastic sheets on the floor and lit candles. Those that were more advanced practiced putting the candles out with their whips. That was amazing and super impressive to sit back and watch.

There were a couple lessons I took away from that first class experience. One, going to classes, no matter the topic, will expose you to new knowledge as well as new people. This is why I encourage the newbies I meet to take any classes they can (mine or others). I remain friends with a couple people that were in that singletail class. Not “terrified dude” – not sure whatever happened to him. Two, implements (any implement) can be used from light to heavy and in so many different ways. I teach in my classes that it’s not the implement you should be concerned with. It’s the person using it – their skill level and intention. To this day the singletail is not at the top of my favorites list – I much prefer thuddy toys. However, I also know that in the right hands it doesn’t have to be scary.

So thank you, nameless instructor man, for the lessons I walked away with that day. I may not remember your name, but I remember the experience.

Dexx Interviews Hudsy Hawn

December 19, 2016 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Dexx: You seem to have your hand in quite a lot of different projects and activities in the kink world. You have the Stockroom University and you’re well known for various TV appearances. I’d like to explore how you got into all of this kinky stuff in the first place. When did you first realize that you were kinky?

Hudsy Hawn: I had no idea until I was getting a divorce and I met a Dom by accident on Craigslist. Up until that point, I hadn’t explored it at all except maybe a “who’s your daddy” spanking during vanilla sex. But I had no idea- I’d never even thought about BDSM. I’d seen those pictures of men in chaps or the woman in a comedy movie holding a whip but that was the extent of it. But then I met a man in the middle of the night, literally in the middle of the night at 1am in 2005. And I thought I was going over for a booty call and instead I was ordered to my knees. I crawled around on the floor and drank red wine out of a bowl and my love of kink was born.

That’s great. Did you have some hesitancy at the time or did you just kind of say, “Wow this is fantastic, this is for me!”

I think because I was suffering through a divorce and feeling very lonely, I was kind of acting out with my choices. Looking back I could have been a little more careful. Who I am now, I’m a lot more careful but I think that back then, that’s how it had to happen for me. The element of surprise knocking me over into this world of excitement I never knew about and lucky for me, it was someone who was sane enough to have not turned me off of to it forever.

So now it seems like it’s become a pretty big part of your life. Do you do other stuff as well or is it all kink?

(laughs)Well I had childhood plans to be a singer but then I kind of fell into this world ten years ago. I love it so much because for me its like therapy. It’s a little bit like figuring out what makes someone tick and how you can best get along with your partner through the acts of BDSM and roleplay. Before this I was a hotel supervisor, a special events planner, a cover band singer and musical theatre performer so I’ve kind of taken all of those vanilla jobs and fused them into my high profile BDSM career. I curate events and classes here at The Stockroom Hall. I still love to perform onstage; I enjoy taking my vast knowledge of modern music and creating new outside the box versions of popular tunes. My autobiographical show The Mermaid Diaries: Beneath the Covers is all about my journey from vanilla to kink. I use my own original music and well known covers to tell my story in a way that’s outlandish and different, with a dose of BDSM. I find a way to blend all of my lives and jobs together, if that makes sense.

You used to work at The Dominion as a Pro Domme so I’m curious about how you first got into doing that, working on the Pro side?

Once I discovered BDSM, I started going to the clubs and at the clubs I met people, some who were pro and lifestyle and I thought why don’t I try being a pro submissive? I love being submissive so I went in and interviewed and they hired me and that already was five years into my kink journey, back in 2010. I found that I loved it and I loved being around the other women and I loved meeting all of the different people and the clients that were into it. I had a lot of mentors there that helped create who I am today. While I was there I became a switch and discovered that in my personal life I prefer being a switch but now that I’m a grown woman, being a Pro Domme is better for me personally and professionally.

When you were first starting out as a Pro was there a training program to teach you how to be a pro submissive or a Pro Domme or did you have a particular person who mentored you to teach you those skills?

Well, The Dominion or any Dungeon/House is a great place for people to go work and learn BDSM skills. If you want to go learn about protocols and behaviors its best to find a personal mentor and that could be at a dungeon where people work or it could be a personal relationship or a friendship or more. I have been lucky enough to have mentored with a lot of great people. Lady Hillary, Mistresses Snow Mercy and Nikki Rouge, RevMel and many others have taught me a lot about how to be FemDom but then all the relationships I’ve had, men that I’ve been a submissive to or fetish family members I’ve been close to… The Dominion’s Resident Male Dom, Sir Rucifer is also my dearest brother, I love him to death and he’s taught me a lot. My exes have also taught me about what does and doesn’t work in a D/s dynamic. The local community has mentored me more than any one person or place.

Is there much cross over between the people that are paying clients say like at The Dominion and the fetish scene in terms of events like munches, classes, and play parties? Is it the same people or is it distinct crowds?

I find that in my experience people that pay for sessions are people that are private and so you won’t see them out at the clubs whereas the people at the clubs tend to be people who are already together as a couple or are all friends and so to me its been a separate energy. Separate clientele. There’s the clients who pay for it and they keep their life private from everyone, then there’s the people who actually don’t pay for it and just go to the clubs and play with each other. Because they can. That’s not to say that people that pay for sessions are always private, some people are completely out there. I’ll have people come in that do a session with me but I also see them at a Fetish Ball. I’ll say a large percentage is people that don’t take it anywhere else.

Switching over to talking about Stockroom University,what is the Stockroom University all about?

Every Saturday afternoon The Stockroom University is about helping bring kink education to the vanilla mainstream person who is curious and ready to take it to the next level. We want to offer direction in a safe, sane, and consensual way. We try to cater to all class topics and requests and desires, whether it be beginners who want to know how to get started, or to people who have been doing it a while who really want to learn a different angle on what they love. We also provide our space for a lot of sex positive evening events. We have sex educators come in and do their own private events, we’ve had burlesque events, and put on shows. I did my autobiographical show here. With upcoming seminars and fetish film festivals underway, the sky is the limit.

So there are a lot of first timers or beginners coming into the classes?

Sure, I’m seeing a lot of new faces in the year I’ve been here and that makes me really happy because I see that what we’re doing is creating sex positive support and making a difference. People have a safe place to go and then afterwards they get a discount in our Syren Boutique store. So they can actually take what they learned and go buy something and enjoy themselves that same night.

So what kind of topics have you covered so far?

Oh, so many; animal play, shibari, protocols and positions, various panels, (FemDomme,male submissives…) We’ve had transgender panels, love of latex classes, leather and boot blacking instruction, and even instructionals on fisting and rough sex. We always give a disclaimer at the beginnings of these types of classes for obvious reasons. We want to make sure people understand what will be shared before class starts so we have their consent and understanding of content.

So who are you typically pulling in to teach these kinds of classes? Is it people from Los Angeles or all around the country?

We have people from all over. We have repeat educators like Sunny Megatron and Ken Melvoin-Berg who are from the Showtime show Sex with Sunny Megatron. They come in a couple times a year and do amazing classes. Last time they were here they did an edge play class. They’re going to be doing a Halloween class on Hilarious Humiliation. Midori comes in a couple times a year as well. She will be here tomorrow with a class on Rope Dominance. We have a lot of local names in the community like Orpheus Black, Snow Mercy, Danarama, Sir Nik Satanas, Nikki Nefarious and many more. We even had some BDSM erotica authors come in and they did a panel and sold their books, but I’m also open to new instructors contacting me and if their experience and course is right for us, we’d love to have them. We’re open to meeting new people, it’s just a matter of if they have they taught before, and can I see a history of their career so that I make sure I’m protecting our students and our curriculum integrity.

The Stockroom seems to be a pillar of the BDSM community here in LA but I guess the whole country as it seems to be the main supplier of toys.

I’ve heard Our CEO and Founder Joel Tucker tell the story himself how about almost thirty years ago he was a young college kid wanting to be able to flog his girlfriend at the time but he couldn’t afford the expensive toys the local stores were selling. He was like, “Why don’t I do this myself?” He found the materials and he started making product in his apartment and he became so successful, taking mail orders and creating his own catalogue. JT’s Stockroom eventually became The Stockroom and we are still the first original and most successful internet source for Adult Toys.

You touched on this earlier , but have you noticed and increase in BDSM since the Fifty Shades movie came out earlier this year?

Definitely. I’ve noticed a change, an improvement in interest and I’ve noticed that people that come in are people that I haven’t met in the scene, and its even older couples which makes me very happy because I see that they are invigorating their relationships with this. I’ll ask what brought them to this and they’ll say my wife liked the book or I saw the movie and wanted to check out some toys and I was very happy to see that you had some classes because after I buy the toys its like “what do I do with this?!” It’s great to have that option for them.

That’s fantastic! So would you say generally speaking, BDSM is becoming more accepted within society as a result?

I think the books and films on BDSM have helped tremendously and I appreciate that. And I think that it’s just going to get better. I know that the Fifty Shades trilogy is going to milk it a little bit longer and by then I think there will be even more stories coming out about it which will be very supportive. I think the stigma that happens that some in the community dislike is that we’re hurting ourselves or that it’s not consensual or that we had something happen in to us in our childhood. For me there’s nothing like that. It was always just about realizing BDSM helped me connect with my partner. And I liked that and it forced me to focus on things because a lot of times people will be doing missionary and they’ll be looking over your shoulder. You don’t know if it feels good or if they’re into it or if they’re thinking about something else and with BDSM you are forced to connect. Some of the sexiest roleplay I’ve done is just my partner and I staring at each other and we don’t touch each other. You know, it taps into that mental telepathy or something and I think that’s great. That’s definitely something that you need in a good scene.

So The Try Guys video, its had over 3 million views now. It seems like that was a fun project to be involved in.

Yea, its been great! My good friend Steven Aleck asked me to do it. He produced a lot of the Buzzfeed videos. They called me in and he said we just want you to show us the ropes so to speak and I asked, well is this going to be lighthearted or are you just going to make fun of it? Because if you’re going to make fun of it, then I don’t want to make fun of what I love. They said no and I watched their videos and they do everything very respectfully and what makes them so successful is they’re these average guys trying something that isn’t average and allowing the viewer to experience it safely from their computer. That’s why they’re a huge hit. That’s why that video is doing really well. And I don’t read the comments but I think that it’s only helping to have a light hearted attitude about it. They were great fun, it was a really short shoot, and we got to feature some of The Stockroom’s gear. They were also using Love Honey gear, which is the official Fifty Shades of Gray toy. So I was kind of taking turns with both of the different designs and it was a lot of fun.

And you’ve been involved in some other vanilla TV projects like Storage Wars and have you ever any negative reactions from people about BDSM while you’ve been working with people from outside of the kink community?

No, I mean I’ve worked for some very mainstream vanilla companies and I’ve even worked at the happiest place on earth and they all knew about it; my immediate colleagues knew about it. They all thought it was hilarious and would ask me questions and I could see them logging information for later. And I haven’t had any negativity but I think I’ve always just been so open about who I am even before kink that everyone in my life is just used to it. So they just go “Oh that’s just her. Doing that thing again.” I have had some people hint that they preferred it when I was just a singer and I’m like, why not put my kink story into my singing? I think that makes me more interesting. You know that old song from Gypsy, “You gotta get a gimmick” (if you wanna get ahead?) You know kink is an accidental gimmick to my singing career that’s happened so I enjoy using that for all it’s worth. Both are a part of me.

I saw your stage show at at DomCon, it was great and clearly you’re a talented singer and performer. Did you have some prior experience doing theatrical stuff or other stage background?

I started in high school doing musical theater. I did it in college as well. And then the cover band business kind of fell into my lap by accident. So the reason I kind of call the show Beneath the Covers is because I was a cover band singer for fifteen years so I know hundreds of songs in my head and I love taking them and tweaking them and that’s why I use them in the show. That was my bread and butter for years.

Being so well known in the community do find that when you go out and just want to do a play session at a play party that you get mauled with people that all want to say hello?

If only it was that exciting! That picture is very complimentary but that doesn’t really happen. I think the reason it seems that way is because I’ve done some internet and television and being in the right place at the right time. There are so many well known Dom/Domme’s that have done much more than I have that I deeply respect. I just happened to hit at the right moment when BDSM became a mainstream big deal, so I’ve had some success because of that. When I’m out and about I have had some people say hello to me. They know me from Storage Wars or Try Guys or The Real Fifty Shades of Grey. But I’m still just that quiet little girl from Alaska.

And do you have any words of advice for anyone young who wants to get more involved in BDSM or just starting out in the scene as an adult?

I’m considering a way to do something to help youth because I’ve had some sex educators and psychologists come to me and tell me that they’re actually doing counseling with high schoolers and their parents about how these kids are playing in private with each other. The parents would rather they speak to a psychologist in that field or someone like me who has an educational series where we can help todays youth understand what this all means and how to do it safely. BDSM books and movies have so many fans now, people like thirteen are finding this online and doing this. And I’m not saying that BDSM is wrong, but whatever happened to being a kid? I think that it’s very important that if anyone wants to get involved whether it’s a teenster or an adult, do your homework, do your research. Don’t just go online and meet up with somebody. I did that and I’ll tell you what, he was sexy at first, but he was completely unskilled and he injured me more than once. And yes, if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be sitting here talking to you so I’m thankful for my history but I wish my first experience had been with someone who knew what they were doing and had experience dealing with someone elses well being. The best thing any newbie can do is be careful and read books like SM 101 and be a part of different educational series where you learn about safety and consent and not about just getting out there. Education is very important.

Hudsy Hawn is the Head Mistress of Special Events for Stockroom curating classes for Stockroom University and outreach programs for the Los Angeles area. You can read more about Hudsy and contact her here.

Dexx interviews Jenn Masri

December 5, 2016 By Desdemona 3 Comments

Get to know our regular contributor Jenn Masri by reading this interview!

Dexx: You’ve been a pro switch and you’re a kink aware therapist. But for many in the LA kink community, you’re perhaps best known as the friendly face guiding them into the world of kink as the teacher of your BDSM 101 class series, which you’ve been doing for about a year and a half. What inspired you to start teaching the classes?

Jenn: Well a couple of things. As a newbie, when I came into the scene, I had no idea where to start, or what to do, or what mistakes I might make. I came in un-partnered, and not knowing anybody. And I really had wished that there had been a series that was very fundamental – just first baby steps. And I didn’t really find anything like that. The only 101 type classes that I knew of were either offered sporadically, on a certain topic typically or there was this series at the Lair – but it goes just slightly beyond the fundamentals and isn’t a weekly class. So I wanted something that everybody could join as soon as they came into the scene, at any time. And really be the first steps. I mean even getting people before they get on Fetlife – I get a lot of that too.

The other part of it was… the last pro session I had as a switch, I was trying to teach about 20 vanilla women everything I could in an hour. And I realized I had so much more I wanted to explain – they had so many questions – that combined with my experience coming into the scene, I decided to go ahead and create something and that was was sort of the push, and I realized I love to teach, to create my own curriculum and series, and see if it took off.

And it seems like it has been taking off?

Yeah, it’s successful, and it’s my baby, so I’m very very proud of it.

What do you cover in your classes?

First class is – like I said it’s so fundamental – it’s definitions – defining the most common terms. Whether it’s terms that are exclusive to the scene, or terms that are used in the vanilla world that mean a little bit different things in our community. So defining terms, orientations, roles, and then common terms that they will hear if they go out, or that they’ll see on Fetlife.

Second class is on safety. This was actually the first class I came up with on the curriculum. Because I felt like it was the most important. And what I wished I’d had when I started. So many of the safety classes in the scene have to do with physical safety in play, and I go over some of that. But I also go over red flags in terms of meeting people in the scene, because that’s where I felt like I could have used help when I first came in. You know – do’s and don’ts in terms of staying safe when you’re out there dating, or trying to meet play partners, or long term partners. Things to look out for. And again – not just for submissive, or s-types, but also for Doms. Because there are red flags on both sides, for sure.

Third class is the toy and play demo – which is definitely one of the more popular of the classes. I have a live demo bottom for this one, and pretty much go through any starter impact toy. Talk about different types of play. I mention, but I don’t show, edge play – because it’s a 101 class, I don’t want people to see a two minutes demo and think they know what they’re doing when it comes to stuff that’s more dangerous. So it’s basically a sampling of stuff that newbies can pick up relatively quickly, so that they can see what they’re interested in, and go out and find other classes that are specific to those types of play, or those types of implements, and learn more.

My fourth class is defining D/s relationships. This one I was kind of back and forth on including, because so many newbies come in and they’re focused on physical play, and a lot of people in the mainstream don’t even realize that there can be an entire relationship dynamic that we have. That’s not to say you have to have it – you can just play of course. But I felt like it was important to go over the types of dynamics that are out there, because even if somebody comes in and just wants to play and has no interest in a D/s relationship, they’re gonna meet people that are. So if somebody says this is my Master, or whatever, you can have a basic idea of the concept they’re referring to. And of course some people do come in a dynamic, and what to explore more of that.

What does a typical person attending one of your classes look like?

I would say 95% newbies. Sometimes I’ll get people who aren’t even on Fetlife, and have no idea what that is – they maybe found me through Google or Sanctuary’s web site. So some people are really really new. But most of them, you know they’ve joined Fetlife, but they haven’t really gone to many events, maybe one, usually none. And they want to start getting into things. Occasionally I’ll get people that have been in the scene, or I’ll get people that come to my classes as a newbie, and then they just keep on coming back!

Sometimes I’ve had people ask me, “is it ok for a single male to come?” And of course the answer is yes – this is a class. I get the whole gamut – I get single people, I get couples, I get all different orientations.

Once people complete the class series, do you then typically see them becoming pretty active members of the kink community?

I do. Actually it’s been interesting, because I’ve become friends with a lot of the people that come through my classes. And I’ll see them at parties, or I’ll see them active on Fetlife, or going to other classes. Sometimes people will get really excited and report back to me – “I went to this” or “I tried that”. And that’s great, you know – that’s the whole point. I usually do see people get more active, and that’s why I also try to include suggestions in class about where to go and which events to check out.

It must be very rewarding when you hear about people’s positive experiences since doing your classes. Do you ever have people come back and tell you about negative experiences that they’ve had?

It’s not very often that I get that. Usually I’ll get people who will come in and they’ll have had a negative experience already, and wished they would have taken the classes before. I have had that. Because of the safety class – the red flags and all that – I’ve had people come back and say “thank goodness I took that class” because I stepped into this scenario right after and I knew because of the discussion that it was a red flag. So… that’s awesome.

So I want to change topic a little, and talk about you. When did you first realize that you were kinky?

[Laughs] I was a late bloomer. It was really after my divorce. And just getting into the dating scene, and meeting different people – so it was in my 30’s.

I often hear people say that they feel like they were born kinky, and they always knew they were kinky, and maybe it just took them a while to figure out what they meant, and to embrace it and actually get into it. Not the case for you?

Yeah… there were maybe certain indicators that I would not have recognized until I got into the scene. And I’ll just leave it at that…

Alright, fair enough. And so then how did you first discover and get into the BDSM community itself?

I was dating somebody that I had met online. The whole online dating thing was brand new to me. I was dating someone who was totally vanilla, and it just so happened that his ex girlfriend was in the scene. He basically referred me to her when he realized I had interests in that area, and connected me with her on Facebook. She introduced me to Fetlife. I joined it, and just started showing up at whatever classes or munches I could put on my calendar – just kind of jumped in.

Tell me about the first time you went to a play party.

Hmm, let me think, it was a spanko party. It was actually at Dragons Gate and I was so nervous that I called a friend of mine to come out to the parking lot to walk in with me, because I was worried that I wasn’t dressed the right way.

I think that’s something a lot of people can really relate to going to their first play party.

Yeah, absolutely and that’s the reason why I tell people in my class, if I’m going to an event and you want to go, let me know. That way at least you’ll know somebody there. It is nerve wracking to go to your first play party. And I’m totally extroverted so I can only imagine for somebody who’s not as outgoing how nervous they would be.

So yeah… but, I made it inside my first party and it was all fine from there.

So switching to your therapist hat, what are some of the common themes of issues that kinky people might face that are different to those that vanilla people deal with?

A lot of the issues boil down to the same. A lot of the issues are the same individual or relationship issues that I see in the vanilla world. The differences are… I see people where one person is interested in the scene and the other isn’t or D/s issues like how to go from a vanilla relationship and incorporate D/s. Or poly scenarios – people dealing with poly dynamics that maybe it’s a first for them, and dealing with everything that comes along with that, even though the issues themselves breakdown to very similar ones as you’d get in any other relationship.

Modern society often isn’t particularly encouraging of a woman being submissive or a man being dominant – just as a couple of examples. It can seem to run counter to feminism and gender equality. Do you think that feminism can be compatible with BDSM concepts like submission?

Absolutely, because the true nature of feminism is for women to have the right to choose how to live their life, right? If somebody chooses and feels comfortable in the position of a submissive than why not? If somebody says well that’s not ok because that’s not how we want to see a woman be, well that’s no longer feminism.

It’s great hearing you explain it like that and I think for some people it can take a while to get their head around that concept. Do you think though that there are people out there that have either dominant desires or submissive desires that feel shameful about them and so don’t explore them?

I know there are, absolutely. If we feel pressure by society to suppress sides of ourselves then it can turn into shame. I think one part of this community that is fabulous is helping the people that do reach out and do come to the “dark side” to realize that that side of them is not necessarily horrible, they just needed to meet partners and people that accepted that side and actually balance that side, and so that they can come to accept and love that side of themselves.

I’ve heard it mentioned a couple of times in the community that they’ve noticed that kinky people tend to be quite intelligent people so I’m curious to know if you have any thoughts on whether there is some kind if correlation between intelligence and the predisposition towards kink.

(laughs) I think you have the whole gamut like you do in mainstream. I think in terms of traditional intelligence, I don’t know if there’s a difference – I’ve not researched that. I do think you probably get a lot more people who are open minded and that may cross over into other areas. So perhaps that’s where the correlation lies. Somebody who’s more open minded to sexuality or relationship dynamics might also be more open minded to other concepts in regards to other topics and so, therefore, maybe they’re willing to take in more ideas and debate and research. I don’t know, I’m throwing out a guess off the top of my head on that one.

So in any discussion of kink and culture it seems impossible to avoid bringing up 50 shades of grey, which of course has been quite polarizing within the community. But what impact do you think its popularity has had on the kink community.

I don’t go to one extreme or the other – I think there are pros and cons. I’ll go with the cons first. I read all of them, because I felt, given my position and my classes, that I needed to read them and know if I was to speak to them that I would be coming from a place of knowledge. (Sighs) I did not enjoy the writing. I’m a reader and I’ve never been one to read romance novels and things like that. The writing itself I thought was pretty subpar. I’m trying to be nice. And you know, the bdsm stuff, for somebody that’s is in the scene, it got a little repetitive, a little bit boring. Although for mainstream people reading it I could see where it could be very titillating, very exciting, if its something they’ve never experienced. One major concern was people taking stuff from the book, and not being in the scene, and not going to classes and just going out and trying stuff and having things happen, having accidents, or people getting hurt and then them looking at our community and thinking “oh, well they’re a bunch of irresponsible people that hurt each other” – not realizing that we’re all about education. And the representation of it being so far off from reality, and hoping that people take it as it was which is fiction.

On the plus side it did bring it more into mainstream, it made it a topic of conversation. And for me personally it was actually something that I used to come out to my mom about being in the lifestyle. I don’t know if she’d want me to say this – she was reading it… but you know the fact that it was out there and mainstream and people were talking about it, I was able to use that to say “so you know this book, well that’s kind of my life.” Now I had to explain beyond that because obviously the books don’t represent the real life. But it was my sort of segue into having that conversation.

One aspect of 50 shades which I have heard disparaged by some people in the community is that the character of Christian Grey is portrayed as being interested in BDSM because he had this horrific abuse-ridden childhood. In your experience, is being kinky typically linked to these types of childhood events, or are they unrelated?

That was actually one of my biggest problems with the books, having read all of them, because I don’t think you get so much of that just reading the first one. But if you read the whole series that was one of my biggest issues, that it made it seem like he was in this because of the messed up childhood and that the way he ended up becoming happy was actually by becoming more vanilla… to “fix” him. That pissed me off. I did not like that at all. Because yes, while there are people that are in the scene maybe due to things that happened in their childhood, I certainly know that that’s not everybody and I think that it’s perpetuating that stereotype that it is everybody. That if you’re into kink you must have been molested as a child or abused as a child and that’s simply not true. Can it be true? Absolutely. But it can be true for somebody that is vanilla as well.

Do you think that BDSM is becoming more accepted by mainstream society and do you think that kinksters today have a legitimate fear of being outed or kink shamed?

I think because of things like 50 shades, again there are some positives to that. And it’s not just 50 shades, somebody was pointing out the other day that there are so many TV shows now that incorporate bdsm and kink.

True Blood is full of it!

(laughs) …yes but even, you know, crime shows and regular dramas and things like that. It might just be a two second scene but there’s a lot more of it out there in mainstream society and media. And I think it does open up the mainstream society to becoming more accepting. We still have a while to go – it’s baby steps – just like with anything else. Just like with women’s rights and LGBT issues and all of these things. I mean you look at Caitlyn Jenner and that whole story and that will be another baby step for the transgender community. But absolutely if people feel like their families or their jobs are at stake i think it’s sad that that’s the case because i feel like it’s your personal life. But yes, some people are worried about that. I get it and I understand it and it’s why we have so many things in place to protect people’s identity. My personal opinion is it sucks that people have to worry about it. Like nobody would want to have to be worried about being fired because they really enjoy horseback riding. It’s your personal life. So I think it’s sad but at the same time it is slowly becoming more accepted.

Do you ever run into your therapy clients at play parties? And is that awkward?

I do. It is a conversation in our first session. I let them know just like I let vanilla clients know before I was even in the scene, “look… I may run into you”. I live where I work. I might run into you at the movie theater. I might run into you, in this case, at a party, or a munch. “Do you think that’s going to be an issue?”, is the first part of it and they generally say that’s not a big deal. My second part of that is “OK, if it happens and if there are any feelings about it or awkwardness or you or I feel like it’s affecting our work then we’ll have a discussion about it.” But it’s something I do bring up mostly just to prepare people in the very first session so that they understand that that could happen. I also explain just like with vanilla clients that their confidentiality is theirs to break. I will never run up to them and talk about our last session or whatever and have someone else ask how I know them and say they’re in therapy with me! I’m never gonna break that confidentiality. If they break it that’s on them. But that’s one nice thing about my classes is that it’s also very easy to just say they took my class. So I do go over that one. I can’t claim to be a therapist that is active in the scene if I’m too worried to go out, right?

DomCon LA: Everything BDSM!

May 9, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Now in its tenth year, Mistress Cyan’s DomCon Los Angeles has grown from a small three day exhibition (at the Beverly Garland Motel in the San Fernando Valley – I was there!) to this lavish five day spectacle, truly “The World’s Premiere Professional & Lifestyle Domination Convention.” Now ensconced at the Los Angeles Hilton Hotel LAX, DomCon runs from May 18th to May 22nd.

Many people have asked me, both in person and in print, “Where do I begin?” With the “Bureau of Misinformation” that is the Internet, “Fifty Shades…” fantasies and the mainstreamization of BDSM, finding out where to start can be a daunting task.

Here at Kink Weekly we have tried to unconfuse you; articles such as “Where Do I Begin?” aims to help newbies get started on the right track. But words have limitations. And DomCon LA is a real life, real time event that is the perfect place to begin your BDSM journey. (Or expand on the journey you are already on.) And though the event remains true to Mistress Cyan’s original vision as a Professional Domination-oriented event, it’s “not only about Dommes anymore!” It is now a truly “one-stop shop” for all things BDSM.

Vendors

Need a new flogger? DomCon is almost literally a “Floggers ‘R Us” store. Almost any toy and invention you have seen or even thought about can be purchased here. Need a throne for humiliation play? You might be stressed to go into Target and ask if they sell one. But here, not a problem. Glass dildos, check! Clamps, canes and cuffs, check! Electrical toys, check. And if it is fashion that floats your boat, how about a custom corset? Or some bondage jewelry? Or leather? Or latex? It’s all here. Getting the right fashion and fetish gear is a lot easier in person than via the Internet.

By now you get the idea. All BDSM, fetish and alternative lifestyle items under one roof. Too bad it isn’t open year round!

Demos

Want to know how it is done? Or, if you are experienced, want to see how other lifestylers scene? At DomCon, there is no shortage of BDSM demonstrations. Continuous live stage performances of all orientations are featured on Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

And, of course, the vendors are only too happy to explain – and demo – their wares.

Workshop and Seminars

There are workshops and seminars of every description – from beginner to advanced and every orientation — throughout the Convention’s run. (This is a much better Convention that the political ones. Who knows, you might find Donald Trump here in disguise!) Just a few of classes that are scheduled: Basic Flogging, Foot Fetish, Should I Go Pro?, Medical Play, Single Tails, Pony Play, Aftercare, Blaise Wrap, Chastity Play, The Science of S&M, Collars & Protocols and so much more. A complete schedule is listed at here.

The Socials

Finally, what would a grand party like DomCon LA be without the opportunity to meet potential play partners and make new friends? Of course, many people meet just milling around the hall, talking to the vendors (yes, Kink Weekly will have a booth there – say hi!) and ogling the Dommes in their hot latex! But DomCon is more than that.

There are socials for every orientation — fetishists, pro Dommes, male Doms, among others. Plus a unique variation on speed dating called the DomCon-nection. And both a Fetish Ball and a Grand Play Party to top off the fun!

So, whether you are a newbie who wants to learn about our lifestyle, an experienced lifestyler looking for a new single tail or a voyeur who just wants to watch – it’s all here in the 2016 edition of DomCon LA!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Whip Essentials

February 15, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

“Whip and Chains.” You’ve heard this phrase a thousand times. It’s what made BDSM famous. (Well, almost.) The chains part is pretty straightforward. But whips… that is another matter entirely. So, Kink Weekly will try to give you an introduction into this exciting aspect of the kink world.

Trying to present an online course on single tails in one article would be like attempting to train an Astronaut in one day. Whips – especially bullwhips – are an advanced form of BDSM play and the skill level required is quite high. That said, you have to begin somewhere — and that somewhere is right here, at Kink Weekly. Here we will try to give you some basics about the single tail that will make your journey into this exciting area of BDSM play a little easier. And, if you are already knowledgeable about whips, this can be a good refresher course!

Whether it is the circus “Ring Master” or the BDSM “Bondage Master” cracking the whip, it is a sound that is awe-inspiring. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the whip, the “cracking” sound is made by a nylon or polypropylene “cracker” that is attached to the fall at the end of the whip.

The bullwhip is typically made of rawhide or kangaroo leather and has a leather-covered hard wooden handle that makes it easy to wield and throw accurately. They usually run from about five feet to twelve feet in length. Snake whips tend to be somewhat shorter in length, which makes them ideal for indoor use. The snake whip is basically a bullwhip with a flexible handle, rather than the rigid one of the bullwhip. Experts like the black snake whip because it offers a lot of control; beginners prefer it because it is easier to master than a full-on bullwhip. The stock whip with its long handle is also easier to crack. But, for our basic overview, we will concentrate on the bullwhip.

When you purchase your first whip, we suggest you buy a fine kangaroo bullwhip. We do not advise buying the twelve-foot Indiana Jones model. Rather, a shorter whip, such as a four-to-six footer, is the way to go. You must also buy two sets of protective goggles – one for you and one for the submissive. You only have two eyes and you cannot risk an errant throw injuring one of them. Also, do not be unnerved when you hit yourself; that is part of the learning curve!

We would recommend you initially practice learning how to crack the whip. It is a wrist-based motion – much like casting a fishing line — that does not require a lot of strength. All it requires is a ton of practice. Maybe even several tons! Once you learn how to consistently crack the whip, you are ready to use it in a “mind fuck” scene. If you are playing in public, remember that a four foot whip requires AT LEAST a fourteen foot diameter safety circle — twice the length of the whip and six feet for your swinging arms — around you. Safety is paramount; the bullwhip is not to be taken lightly. Blindfold the submissive, tie her/him to the cross and crack the whip near her/him being careful not to hit the submissive. After a couple of scary cracks, you can then use your favorite implements – floggers, paddles, etc. – to continue your scene with. Even though you are not ready to use the bullwhip on the submissive, we guarantee the whip crack alone will add an adrenaline rush to any scene!

Now comes the hard part – throwing it perfectly enough to use on a submissive. This, technically, should not be part of any article; hands-on instruction by a “whip master” is the best way to go. But let’s give it a shot!

One great way to start perfecting your whip technique is to use a stuffed animal as your practice target. (No, not the $10,000 original Beanie Baby you were saving for your kid’s tuition!) In this way you can observe changes to the fur to see where your whip is striking. Another targeting concept is to use a pillow with cornstarch smoothed into it. This will help you gauge the impact of your strikes. But whatever target you use, you must practice, practice, practice. You must not only know where your whip will land, but also how hard the impact of a given throw is.

Before you even think about using a whip on a submissive, you must get to the point where you can crack the whip on the target perfectly. This can take months. After all, the bullwhip can really cause injury if it misses its mark. When you first start working with a submissive, we suggest you practice on one who is wearing leathers to protect her/himself – and aim for the butt. (Become an expert on hitting the butt before you aim for the back.) Always err on the side of safety – especially where whips are concerned. Of course, safety goggles and a safe word are essential.

Once you become an expert, you will find the whip is one of the most rush-producing toys we have in our BDSM arsenal. From the crack of the whip to the sting of the lash itself, it is S&M personified. It is not for everyone. It takes a lot of dedication and practice. But, it can be very rewarding.

Some important tips: If your cracker draws blood, throw it out and replace it. Ideally, you should replace it after every scene, blood or no blood. Care for your whips. They are expensive. Treat them like the fine leather tools that they are. Keep them clean, keep them dry and keep them supple with a good cream leather dressing such as Pecard’s.

Finally, and most importantly, never forget aftercare at the end of a single tail scene. It can be physically draining for the submissive and aftercare is absolutely essential.

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

2016 BDSM Events

January 5, 2016 By anniebear 7 Comments

UPDATE: Take a look at the comments section for even more events from our readers!

I’m personally extremely excited about this year’s activities! From coast to coast and around the world, it seems our kinky cohorts are pulling out all of the stops and presenting some super intriguing events for 2016! I wanted to compile a list for everyone to enjoy. A lot of these happen to occur in Los Angeles which is arguably a mecca of kinky activity but we’d love to hear about major BDSM events in your neck of the woods so make sure to let us know via email or in the comments below. I’ll be updating this list throughout the year.

JANUARY

Adult Video News Awards a.k.a. The AVNs
Originally reserved for porn stars and adult entertainment enthusiasts, this event now boasts a whole area for BDSM and kink education. Live performances by some of the best kink entertainers can be viewed as well as BDSM after parties. This event brings together all aspects of sex positive with the merging of kink, adult entertainment, and swingers.

FEBRUARY

Sin in the City
This Las Vegas event hosts the International Person of Leather contest but if that’s not your thing there is much much more. There’ll be workshops, socials, and of course play parties!

Dominant Training Series
Master Gabriel will be hosting the very first Dominant Training Series at Sanctuary LAX. This multi-series class will cover many subject on dominance and the skill sets there within. Are you an experienced Dom? This series will give you some eye opening new perspectives you may have never considered. You’re never too experienced to stop learning!

Westcoast Bound
Vancouver has a strong kink community. Join them and many other folks from around the world for Westcoast Bound. This event has multiple tracks for those with differing experience and skill levels and of course, play parties!

MARCH

Kinkfest 2016
Portland, Oregon will host this annual kinky convention. This is an all encompassing event covering many areas and orientations of kink. Vendors will be showing their wares in addition to a line up of classes.

MAY

DomCom LA
This is exactly what it sounds like; a convention for everything BDSM related. Hosted by Sanctuary LAX and some of the hottest FemDoms in the world, this event has everything you can think of including classes, vendors, a human pony show, and much much more! Make sure to come by and say hello to Dexx and anniebear at the Kink Weekly booth.

Frolicon
An Atlanta based convention-this educational oriented event hosts different creative tracks to choose from. Not just for BDSM, this is a melting pot of creativity and personal expression and the choice is up to you for which one you’ll decide on!

Camp Crucible
Though I have not yet attended, Camp Crucible has me extremely excited! It’s kinky camp, it can’t get better than that. Based in the woods in a secret location outside Washington D.C., this camp for adults hosts classes, games, auctions, and more! Clothing is optional and you can come for all or part of this nine day event.

AUGUST

Equus Pony Show
This event hosted by submissann is a dedicated human pony play competition. Come view all of the pony’s and their handlers as they compete for the top prize ribbon! Curious about pony play? This is a great event to watch experienced pony players in action.

Let us know about major kink events in your area!

BDSM Dungeon Etiquette

November 16, 2015 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

So you’re new and ready to go to your first play party? Or perhaps you’ve been going to play parties for a while and started letting basic etiquette slip? Oh yes, it’s usually the people who should know better that I see making faux pas! So let’s go over the most common play party do’s and don’ts.

CLEAN! This is in reference mostly to the equipment and furniture you are using for a scene. However, I also advise that you clean your toys. But hey, that’s on you and if we aren’t playing then you and your partner can cover that. Back to the furniture, though, you should clean it before you play as well as after you’re done. Some people may complain, “but I’m the first one to use it, so why clean it first?” While you may be the first one on it at that party – you have no idea what happened on it the night before or before the party started – especially if you are at a dungeon that offers pro sessions. It could have been used 30 minutes before the party doors opened. Plus, if you aren’t the first ones on it that means someone else (hopefully) cleaned it – but did they clean all the parts you will be using? Did they clean it correctly? Better to be safe than sorry.

SPACE! Giving those in a scene the space they need. Stand back, give them room. Do NOT get up close and personal. You are not involved in the scene and it is not ok to invite yourself! It doesn’t matter if they are doing something interesting that you don’t have a good view of. If you want to know more about it then wait for a better time later in the evening to approach them and ask. Also, if whips or floggers are being thrown, go around! Don’t complain if you get hit because you walked through someone’s scene.

SHHHHHHH! Be mindful of your voice and socializing. If you want to socialize there are areas in every club meant just for that. If you’re watching a scene but want to say something to your friend next to you – get in their ear and whisper. Keep the conversation to a minimum. If you are setting up for a scene or just finished – again – be mindful of your non-scene noise level. Keep your voice down as much as possible. Too much “non-scene” talking can really pull people out of their head space that are playing around you. On the other side of this issue you may be the one who is trying to do a scene and it’s other people being loud. Simply gesture to them to lower the volume in a respectful way. Most people get carried away and don’t realize their voices got louder. Typically a small reminder is enough. If that doesn’t work, well, keep reading.

EQUIPTMENT HOG! Hogging equipment can take two forms. Time and space. At some clubs you may have a time limit on your scene. In this case it won’t matter because you won’t have a choice but to give up your play space at the designated time. However, most clubs do not time scenes. Therefore, you should consider how many people are in attendance and how much of a demand there is for play stations. Be considerate. If it’s a busy party don’t play for hours. The other issue is space. I see it all too often – people wandering around (sometimes including me!) looking for an area to play and there are perfectly good spaces that are covered in the toys or bags of the people scening on the next station over. Not cool. First of all – if you have a million bags but have a specific scene planned, try to consolidate your toys before heading to the party. Beyond that – look for a place to put your bag/toys that is within your station. Don’t use a play table for storage. If you’re concerned about putting your things on the floor, bring a towel to throw down.

DON’T INTERRUPT! I don’t care if you get to a party and are really excited to see a friend of yours but they’re in a scene or you are leaving and really want to say bye to someone who is in a scene. Don’t interrupt if A, you haven’t been invited into the scene or B, there isn’t an urgent situation. That said, let’s look at these two exceptions. Being invited into a scene can take on two forms. One, all involved have consented to you joining the scene to bottom, top or assist in a positive way. Lovely, have fun. Two, the Top has requested for you to enter a scene because they need assistance in an urgent situation. Perhaps they have their bottom suspended and they need to come down faster than expected. The Top knows they have time to bring the bottom down safely, however, asks you to lift one leg (for example) to make it easier for them to loosen the rope. There could be a million similar situations, but you get the picture. In this situation you do ONLY what the Top has asked you to do. You are not automatically granted consent for anything else. I have seen this happen where the person is asked to assist to lift a bottom’s leg and decided that meant he could also let his fingers wander to her “naughty bits”. NO! NO! Only do what you are asked – nothing more. Moving on to the other exception – the urgent situation. This may be a thing like someone needs to move their car or risk getting towed or the club is closed/party is over and they need to wrap it up. Yes, these examples are situations where the person should have taken a few more steps in personal responsibility, however, that’s a different issue for another article! So you need to get their attention but they are mid-scene. Make eye contact with the Top and gesture to them that you need to tell them something. Most Tops will assume that if you are interrupting it must be important. Once you let them know what’s going on then assess what needs to happen. If the Top needs to walk away from their bottom then they need to put them in a safe position and make sure someone they trust stays with them. Another option is to have someone else handle the problem so they can stay with their partner. NEVER just leave a bottom unattended mid-scene!
Not interrupting also applies to when people are in aftercare! Aftercare is an extension of the scene. If it’s obvious that people are in aftercare – treat them as if they were still playing. If you aren’t sure, make eye contact with the Top, the person most “present”, or the person you know best, and ask if they are up for chatting.

GET HELP! So you follow all the rules, politely ask people to keep it down, etc. Great! What happens, however, when you need assistance? Here are a couple reasons this may happen. One, a bottom my call red and you don’t see the Top stopping or perhaps someone seems like they are in extreme distress to you. Especially if you’re newer to the scene and public play – you may be reading the scene wrong. This is a good time to express your concern to a DM (Dungeon Monitor). DMs have typically been trained to assess scenes and situations in the club. They are usually easily identified via an arm band, sash, or badge. Another time you should get a DM or the party host is when you are having a personal issue with someone. If you have politely asked someone to decrease their volume or give you more space and they repeatedly ignore your requests – ask for assistance. It’s not your job to personally take on someone being rude or unruly.

BONUS TIP! HYGIENE! Stinky is not sexy!! Come to the party clean, use deodorant, brush your teeth. This doesn’t mean swim in cologne! I, personally, always have a deodorant stick in my toy bag in case I need to re-apply post play.

Overall – be aware, be respectful and if you don’t know, ask. These tips will get you far and a more pleasant party experience for everyone!!

Dexx Interviews Master Gabriel

November 9, 2015 By Desdemona 1 Comment

Dexx: You’re the creator of the Gentleman In Charge event, you teach the BDSM 201 class series, and you create leather products under the Ravynblood Leather brand. For many you’re also known as the voice of DomCon in LA and Atlanta. So, I guess if you go back a little ways, how did you first find yourself coming into the BDSM community?

Master Gabriel: Well, actually I first stepped foot into the Sanctuary in Reseda. A friend of mine at the time had seen some of the leatherwork that I’d done. We thought perhaps we could get something going and he suggested possibly going to talk to Mistress Cyan and see what she thought of the leather goods and see if it might be a worthwhile venture to try out. So that was my first step in and that was some many years ago, probably a good eight to ten years ago. Of course before then I was playing behind closed doors and didn’t even know there was an actual community at that point in time. So that was my first introduction into the actual community of BDSM.

So you have a degree in psychology I believe?

I do.

And do you think that that has helped you in terms of understanding the roles in BDSM and finding your own role that you like and educating others in terms of the different aspects of BDSM?

I wish it helped me more often than I thought because it really does but when you get up close and personal for some reason what you know about psychology just goes out the door. But in general, yes it helps me understand the roles a little bit better. It helped me to kind of understand the inner workings of the community as a whole, not necessarily as helpful up close and personal because as I mentioned typically when you get into a relationship with somebody it’s –there’s so much passion and so much energy going on you don’t really pay attention to those fine details.

Right –so the Gentleman In Charge (GIC) event seems to have become quite popular at Sanctuary. What lead you to creating that?

Actually, this is the brainchild of Mistress Cyan. She brought me in on it in order to start it up and run it. I had been mentoring under her and she thought I’d be a good fit for running it. Of course, then the only thing that we had in mind was creating a male Dom/female sub evening. At that point in time WICK, which is Women In Charge of Kink had been running with some relative success for about a year or so and she wanted to make sure there was a male Dom/femsub side to it as well. So we hit the ground running and took the reigns and its been going ever since.

So how is GIC different form other play parties?

It’s way different than other play parties. It’s specifically male Dominant/female sub, there’re not that many male Dom/femsub specific clubs in southern California so there’s not really much to choose from in that regard. In particular, from the get go our team understand that this meant for male Doms and female subs but we felt it needed to be a safe place for the female subs to come to. Otherwise it’s just any old meat market and we didn’t want that. We wanted to make sure it was a safe place for new people and people who are long term in the scene as a fem sub to be there without fear of having to do whatever any dominant that approaches them says. Which is partly why we utilize the red ribbon system where you can pin on a red ribbon if you’re interested in talking about potential play. It leaves that particular bit of control in the women’s hands, that way they can at least show if they’re interested in talking or if they’re just there to spectate.

Do you think that’s been an issue at other male Dom/femsub play parties in the past- that they can be quite intimidating for the females because its sort of open season for the males to think they can do as they please?

I think there’s a sense that that might be the case. Whether that’s what actually goes on in those clubs or not is dependent highly on the individual clubs. But I think that the intimidation is there and to make it open and make it well known that our interest is to make sure its not that kind of a night, not that kind of a club, I think that’s what’s important.

And it’s billed as a high protocol event. What does that entail?

Well for GIC specifically we bill it as high protocol simply because we make sure the gentlemen are there as gentlemen. We enforce a dress code both for the men and women just to make sure that the evening is more classy or make sure that its seen that way. As far as protocol in general, we really leave that open to the specific dynamic you come in with. Also if you come in with your own lady and you have your own protocol we make room for that. But certainly the feel is there. We want to make sure that gentlemanly Dom is the overall energy of the evening and that lends itself to the specific dynamics.

Great-would you recommend that as an event for people who are brand new to the scene?

Most definitely. Every month we get a ton of new people that are coming in there. Several people will send new people that they learn of and talk to in the scene, specifically because of the kind of night it is. It’s not the meat market type of event, you do have the availability to say whether or not you’re just there to watch or if you actually want to interact or not. The gentlemen that are there on average do act like gentlemen. We do make sure we have both male and female dungeon monitors. That way the females that are there do have somebody they can go to. They don’t feel like its just male run. So its very much well structured for that. Also on the flip side of this, at the beginning of the evening we have our discussions. That ranges from anything from negotiations to dynamics we’ll bring guest speakers and that runs for a good half hour or so at the beginning for education for the entire community. I leave that open as an interactive discussion on purpose because we want to make sure we get everybody there interacting. Its not there to be just somebody up there talking and lecturing. We want to make sure everybody participates including the new people. A lot of new people have questions that they really don’t feel as if they can ask at someplace like a class. That’s the place to do it.

In your 201 class series, you cover some advanced topics. Some of them involve dynamics and psychology of D/s relationships others touching on some areas some people consider to be edge play like needles knives and fire play. How did you come to learn those skills?

I learned directly from my mentor Mistress Cyan. Others were 101 training that were taken throughout the year, some is cross over from things that I’d learned such as martial arts. I’ve been drawing from Boy Scouts, personal exploration. So it’s from there and a lot of it is a mixture of all of thee above.

Do you think that people that enjoy BDSM tend to gravitate towards more edge and advanced play over time or do you think some people are more content to stick to the more conventional play like spanking, floggers and power exchange?

No, I really think a lot of them gravitate more towards the conventional play like flogging and power exchange. Not everybody is into edge and that’s perfectly fine. Everybody has different styles of play. The vast majority is conventional.

Do you ever have people that attend some of the classes and find themselves getting a bit squeamish?

I haven’t come across that yet. Usually I make it pretty well known what is generally going to happen in those classes. For the most I think people know ahead of time what to expect. So I haven’t come across anybody who has become squeamish yet- or at least not that they’ve told me.

And do you know of anybody yourself that has suffered unintended injuries trying out some edgier things? Perhaps not as a result of your class but just in general in the scene?

I haven’t seen too much in the way of it. Now there have been instances in the past that I’ve heard of and you know its kind of like rock climbing, you know that there are dangers that are involved in it. So there is the possibility for potential problems. I haven’t had the experience of having too much of that happening. You usually hear a whole lot about it but in my experience its better to be well prepared for something even if its not going to happen. The possibility of it makes it a necessity to be prepared for it

Do you have any advice for people who are curious about trying out some of those things but they live somewhere where it’s harder to find classes about those topics?

Well, I would go on the online classes, read obviously, there are a lot of books even on edge play. There’s a book called Play Piercing, that’s specifically on needles. Jay Wiseman has written several books on topics including knife play. There’s plenty of literature out there these days that are open and available for it

Your submissive birdy also seems to teach quite a few classes. More of the submissive oriented ones. You two seem to be a pretty good match in terms of you both being quite well known figures now as BDSM educators.

The whole House has been doing quite well with the classes and such, we have the Submissive Training Series that birdy has done. Prior to that we had the Submissive Bootcamp earlier in the year. Starr, my other submissive will be doing the next submissive bootcamp in the coming year. Of course there’s GIC and BDSM 201 but also the SoCal Poly Support Group that birdy runs. We do various conventions and such, we even have LA Next Gen which is run by Mister Gear which is also a member of the house. I have several fingers in several pies.

So that’s your House Ravynblood your talking about? Tell me more about that.

That’s my household. I’m the head of house. Ultimately it’s a group of like-minded thinkers. We’ve gotten together over the last few years or so. We’ve grown to be much larger than I ever expected it would actually be. It started up a little over a year ago, about a year and half at this point. And the first members of course were myself and Mister Gear. Vee came in the mix shortly after that. Ultimately, there’s a protocol guide, a household guide that we all follow and our major creed over the household is “to love, to honor, to respect” and we do try to get out in the community and make sure we’re teaching and putting that energy back into the community that we love.

I’m sure people often ask if you all live together?

It’s not a physical household in that we all live in the same house. It’s a household in that we all are like-minded and connected by the protocol. Together at one point in time or another, they’ve all served under the household. So the household is really what we conglomerate under. So when we put out the SoCal Poly Support Group, when we put out the upcoming Dom Training series all of that is under the household. And we all help each other to make it work.

Within the household, you mentioned you’re the head of the household. Are there other defined roles or statuses that people have?

In general yes. There are other dominants in the house. In fact Mister Gear just gained a dominant status. So in relation to say the structure of it you would come into the house, there is a period of time where you are evaluated. Then at that point in time if we feel that both ends are a match then you are welcomed in the household but at that point you are not given a title at all. You have to undergo what we call standards; standardized sections of information-some of them are discussions, some of them are projects. You do have to finish those in order to update your status in the household. Whether that’s submissive or dominant we also have “compeer” which is kind of a switch type of position. Those are various positions in the house. So really in regards to dominant and submissive, they’re pretty much on the same level across the board it’s simply a matter of dynamic rather than position.

How could somebody join the household if they were interested in that?

Well that’s all in our protocol guidebook which of course you would not have seen but as far as our protocol goes in regards to becoming a part of the household –the house as a whole will look at that and see if we’d like to entertain putting that person through a period of evaluation. Of course as the head of house I have the final say so regardless of what the house votes I am the final say on it. After you’ve been brought in for evaluation-there’s three to six months of evaluation where both the house is kind of evaluating that person as well as giving that person a chance to feel out the house and make sure it’s the right fit in both directions. Because if it’s not something you end up feeling that you want after a six month period of time then it’s probably not for you. It’s probably not something that you would be very invested in and that’s ok.

And have there been people who have either been turned down or have decided not to pursue that?

It hasn’t happened yet. But it might happen; I don’t now what the future holds. Obviously the future held a lot more people in the household than I expected to begin with.

Just generally do you have advice for somebody who’s new to BDSM that wants to be dominant?

Actually, I’ll be starting up a Dominant Training series at the beginning of the year. That spun off of the current BDSM 201 that I’ve got. In general, really it can be online classes, YouTube has plenty of things on there that you can gleam from. Read. I can’t emphasize that enough even if its audio books. There are tons of things on audio right now that are kink and BDSM related. Of course you can start off with the book BDSM 101 its for beginners in general. I highly suggest especially as a dominant to seek outside of that as well. There’s a fantastic book called Nudge. It has nothing to do with the scene what so ever but is on the mental devices that we as humans have that alter our decisions. There’s also another book, Mistakes Were Made But Not By Me and it’s all about deception. And that in itself changed my entire perception on how to discipline myself and discipline in general and kind of utilizing that for discipline and behavior modification for others. And of course there’s also podcasts. There’s the Fearless Submissive podcast, the TED radio hour -you’ll learn about both sides of the slash.

As a dominant you don’t want to limit yourself to just learning about being a dominant. Learn about the submissive side. Understand who it is your working with. What it is that your working with in general? What they’re going to see from their angle. And then think outside the box. Once you know the basics, once you have the basic skills the basic idea of what it is to be a dominant, work outside of that. Draw from what you now. You’ve been in marital arts? Fantastic you can draw from that. I can’t tell you how many things that I have in my protocol that I’ve drawn from my martial arts background. Boy Scouts, I’m an eagle scout, I’ve drawn tons of information from it. Most of the things that are in my household’s standards are drawn from Boy Scouts. You have skills, hobbies, do you know how to boot shine can you learn how to boot shine, can you learn just general skill over all that you can utilize in the scene? There’s tons of information out there that really has nothing to do with the scene in general but can be applied.

It seems like there are quite a few classes around for many of the technical skills involved in being a dominant whether its tying rope or impact but not that many in terms of actually the dominant mindset and your confidence and body language and perhaps inspiring submission in somebody who wants to take on that role. So, do you have advice for how people can get into that mindset a bit more and develop themselves?

Posture and breathing. Posture and breathing are two huge things that can help you get into that mindset. Far to often we slouch throughout the day and by the simple act of straightening your back and bringing your shoulders even has an immense impact. When I first started training Mister Gear for his dominance, that was the first step that we took, to straighten out his posture. Now that doesn’t mean you have to walk around like that all of the time but it changes the way that you look at things, it changes the way that you see things. It changes how you feel about yourself. And that in turn changes how you act and how you act towards others. Now you’d be surprised that by doing that simple little act how much more dominant you feel and again breathing; one thing that I have several in my household working on right now again drawing from martial arts, its called “One Conscious Breath,” and that’s the simple act of drawing in a breath and letting back out and not just breathing but focusing only and solely on nothing else but that breath. It lends such a clarity and peace of mind, it helps to refocus and again those little things, those simple little acts can change how you are change your dominance drastically.

It sounds like you’ve drawn quite a lot from martial arts which you’ve done. Which martial arts have you done and how long have you been doing those for?

The martial arts that I was in, I haven’t done it for a few years now was called Mugei Mumei no Jitsu-which roughly translates to “no art no hand.” And ultimately it was a bit unconventional I’d have to say. I learned quite a different smattering of things. It’s a combination art and really was kind of built from various martial arts so was drawn from ju-jitsu and kenjitsu and several others to kind of a melting pot into a different art all together. But between that and as you mentioned before the psychology background it really changes how you look at things, that how things don’t necessarily need to be exactly what they are presented as….you can do so much more.

Do you think that at some point, BDSM could benefit from having some kind of standardized training progression system particularly for dominants where you can measure progression similar to how you have in martial arts?

I think it could benefit greatly from standardization. Not necessarily that is needs to all be the same. The reason for standards in my household is not because that’s the end all be all of what you need to know. The standards are simply only basic to take care of somebody who might be dropping, how to recognize drop, things that really even basic players should really learn and know. And what that does for me as the head of household, it gives me a peace of mind that any member of my household can be anywhere at any time and I don’t have to be there. I know they know the basics, I know they know what they’re doing in those particular realms. Now that doesn’t mean that they are the best at flogging, that doesn’t mean that they’re the best at anything, that just means they know their basics. They know their basic skills. Now really everybody actually should know how to bandage a wound. Most people don’t even have a first aid kit in their bag.

So what attributes define a great dominant?

I’ve met so many great dominants. I will say a sense of patience and the ability to step away from a situation, to look at it from the big picture. I think that really is a factor that you see across the board. Most great dominants that you see in the scene they have that uncanny ability to step away and not let something rile them up even though by all rights could, to be able to step back and take a look at the big picture and act accordingly to respond rather than react to the situation.

You produce leather products under the RavynBlood Leather brand. How long have you been working leather for?

Well I’ve been working leather for-well my first job at Candy was way back when in 1996 and then I think I was fiddling with leather for a few years before that. So for a long long time. Learned a lot of tricks over the years. But I do currently run Ravynblood Leather. I normally have a booth out at DomCon LA. Occasionally here and there I will have a booth out at Sanctuary Marketplace coming up at the end of November. That’s really the only places that you’ll see it these days. I’ve really shifted focus. I like to keep my leather fun and doing it all the time for a full time business just isn’t fun so I like to do it here and there so that way I can experiment with things, play with it a little bit more and have some fun.

What’s involved for a layman who doesn’t know anything about leather working. What’s involved in turning the materials you source into a product like a collar?

Something like a collar-well you’re talking about straight edging and strap cutting it which basically means you’re cutting out the strip itself from a hide because they haven’t perfected the art of growing cows in squares yet. So they kind of come in wonky shapes. And for those who are in the know of leather, there are certain areas you really want to avoid on a cowhide. That’s something that only a person who’s been working with leather for years would know. You definitely want to bevel those edges, make sure its not scratchy on the skin. You can do any kind of design you want to do on it. If you’re savvy with tools, you can actually tool in it. These days most times you’ll see rings, so now you’ll have to punch holes for those small pieces, rivet off the pieces of leather, rivet up the buckle and finish it up. A little bit more work than a cut in paste (laughs)

(Laughs) And where did the name RavynBlood come from?

I don’t get asked that question too often. Actually that came from my family background. In my family we have quite a bit of native heritage. And the one native heritage that we managed to get the most information about in our tree, actually their primary motive for their tribe plan, was the raven. In that particular group, the raven was the only creature in the universe that was capable of keeping one foot firmly in the mainland, what we see and what we know, and one foot in the other world. It was the only creature able to go back and forth like that. So, I actually have native blood of the raven, hence RavynBlood. Initially that was just for the leather booth, and as things went that name stuck to me and kind of became part of my name over all and hence the household name was spawned under that name.

I hear you’re writing a book? How’s that coming along?

I actually am now writing two books. I’m writing a book in regards to household structure and how to build households. And that’s drawing from my experience as well as drawing from other experiences from other dominants that I personally know in the scene. I’m kind of combining all of those together a little bit to give people a better understanding of how these things come about and how to do it themselves. Parts of that have spun off into the gentleman dominant and there will be a whole other book following up with that.

That’s great, I look forward to when those two come out. Do you have a timeframe for them?

I’m hoping they’ll be out by the end of next year. I’ve got the first rough draft partly done already for the household book. That’ll be the first to come out. Hopefully the following year I’ll have the secondary book-The Gentleman Dom.

Master Gabriel is the Head of Household with House RavynBlood. He produces Gentlemen in Charge and Sanctuary Marketplace at Sanctuary LAX, is the Lead Educator of the BDSM 201 Education Series, and “the voice of DomCon LA.” You can view his Ravynblood Leather goods here.

Classes

Footer