first time

Scene ideas: First BDSM session with a new play partner

July 19, 2020 By Desdemona 3 Comments

dominant man puts handcuffs on woman in sexy red dress.jpeg — via stock.adobe.com

This article is applicable when you and your new play partner are both knowledgeable and enthusiastic about BDSM, and have decided to arrange BDSM play together for the first time. If either of you is brand new to BDSM, or you are hoping to introduce BDSM to an existing but as-yet vanilla romantic relationship, then this article is likely not appropriate to your situation. It is written from the perspective of a male Dom and female sub, but can of course be applied to any variation of gender dynamic.

The first time playing with a new play partner is special. There is a magical electricity in the newness and uncertainty as you begin to connect with each other through dominance & submission. As you experience each other’s energy, there is a delicious joy in seeing how your new partner responds to your unique style of dominance.

When I’m preparing for a first play session like this, I normally have a few things I’d like to have as an outcome from the scene:

For my play partner to feel confident that she is in safe hands – through me demonstrating calmness, competence in the BDSM skills that I use, and proactive interest in consent and safety.
To get to know each other’s play style, and how she responds to some of the main types of activities within the BDSM umbrella.
For both of us to have a positive, fun, sexy experience that leaves us both excited to play with each other again

Here’s a simple outline for where to take your scene, which accomplishes all three of these goals and sets you on a good foundation for more fun play in the future.

Pre-play

Get the scene negotiation done before you meet to play. This leaves more time for play, and less room for someone to feel pressured / excited into agreeing to something that they didn’t really want to. Ideally earlier than the day you are playing. I recommend completing a written checklist rather than just a verbal discussion (although you can certainly go over it together on a phone call as well) – this helps ensure that you don’t leave anything out, or forget what was discussed. You can make your own checklist, or use mine. Everything that follows below assumes that it was ok’d in negotiation. Adjust your scene based on your play partners preferences and agreed boundaries. As a general rule, never do anything in play that wasn’t negotiated prior, or try to renegotiate during play.
Establish how much time you have for your play. The last thing you want is for you to be planning a multi-hour masterpiece, but she needs to leave after an hour to meet friends.

Set the scene

Set up your play space before your play partner arrives. This includes working out which equipment and toys you’ll want to use and having them handy to the place that you want to use them. You can always ad lib a bit of course, but if you have to hunt around for everything during the scene, it will kill the energy.
Consider any music, lighting, scents or other sensory elements you want the experience to include. These elements are overlooked by many dungeons and Doms who think play is only about physical stimulation. A small amount of effort can greatly enhance the mood and enjoyment of the scene for both participants.

Greetings & pleasantries

When your play partner arrives, don’t go straight into strict-Dom mode right from the get go. No matter how kinky she is, she is a person first. Consider what might be going through her mind in playing with you for the first time – especially if it’s at your home. Help make her feel more comfortable by greeting her with a smile, welcoming her inside, and offering her a drink (alcohol and play is a topic for another day – but you can’t go wrong with good cup of tea)
If she shows up a little late, avoid the cliche of the angry dom & punishing her for it – there will be plenty of time for that in future.
Hang out and chat for a few minutes, ask her about her day, etc. Make her feel comfortable. Don’t chat too long though – she is here to play after all.
At an appropriate interval in conversation, transition to play with a simple “Still down for some play?” or similar. Assuming she answers in the affirmative, then proceed to the next step.

Start with a little bondage

Politely ask her to go and stand in a particular spot, facing a particular direction. E.g. “Can you please go and stand on the hearth, facing the fireplace, with your hands behind your back”. Still not in Dom-mode yet. This is an important transition step – it is an opportunity to demonstrate that she is ready to accept a simple instruction from you. If she hesitates / refuses / gets weirded out by you asking her to do this, then this is a red flag that she may not be ready for BDSM play, and you should not proceed with “doing anything” to her.
Slowly & calmly walk over to her (she’s facing away so will hear your footsteps but not see you), and put your hands on her shoulders. Feel her energy, and let her feel your calmness and confidence.
Bind her hands behind her back. Leather wrist cuffs are the simplest at this point, but if you are a rope addict then you can of course do rope cuffs instead (just don’t take forever). The idea is to add a simple, symbolic element of restraint to help her transition into a submissive headspace.

D/s – Get physical, and lay out the rules

Now that her hands are tied, make your physical presence felt. Perhaps a hug from behind, pulling her close into you. Explore her body with your hands over the top of her clothes. Build the anticipation – don’t just go straight to the naughty bits. Hips, arms, neck, back, hair, butt, face, tits, thighs, caress teasingly just above her pubic area (Again, and for the last time this article – keeping within boundaries negotiated prior).
You are simultaneously doing several things here. You are exerting some initial dominance and control over her. Her hands are tied and she will feel the rush of having no control over your touch. And of course, there is the physical sensation of the caressing which starts to bring blood to the skin and warm her body.
In my experience, if she is kinky and into you, then at this point she will be melting under your touch, pushing her body into you, possibly closing her eyes and breathing heavily. All good signs that you should continue.
If she is already in the zone, then don’t be afraid to make some of your touching a little more rough and forceful (being mindful of sensitive areas and organs). Maybe use your arms to pull her elbows toward each other a little, thrusting her chest out.
Now you can start with some Dom-talk. Everyone’s Dom-talk style is a little different. For me, that means being clear and authoritative – but also calm and not any louder than needed for her to hear me. Which at this point might be barely more than a whisper near her ear. “This is what you came here for huh?”…”Are you excited?”…”Are you nervous?”…”Are you going to be a good girl for me?” etc. Based on how she responds, you can move onto any rules that you want to establish.
Keep any rules simple for first-time play – and not too many of them. For example, “Any time you answer a question, I want you to add Sir at the end”, is a simple and standard one. This is really just about testing the water and seeing how she responds to dominance / submission in play – for some it will be just ok, and others it will be heaven.
Now is a good time to re-establish safe words and that there is no harm or shame in using them. “What’s your safe word?”…(she says it)…”And when are you going to say it?”…(if I’m not comfortable and want to stop)…”Very good”. You can also cover “yellow” type safewords and how to safeword with a gag in, if you’re planning to include a gag in your scene.

A dash of sensation & a sprinkling of pain, to taste

At this point, both of you are probably feeling pretty amazing, sexy and alive. A great place from which to step things up a notch.
She still has her clothes on at this point. That was part of helping her be comfortable with getting to this point. Now is a great time to start exploring under then / removing some of them. If she responded well to the D/s earlier, instruct her to take off her panties (assuming she is wearing a dress). This will be a challenge with her hands tied behind her back, but she should be able to do it and it will be very enjoyable to watch.
Add a little pain to the mix – some nipple pinching, hair pulling, spanking. See how she responds to it.
Add a little sensation play to the mix – caressing, scratching. Maybe some cold metal or an ice cube. See how she responds to it.

Article continues below

blonde submissive kneels on bed in underwear with hands tied — via stock.adobe.com

The main course

You’ve now tried a few different types of play, and should be getting a sense for what she likes most. Now you can move on to the main event.
This can be whatever you like. For me, I prefer some kind of helpless bondage situation, sitting or lying down (tied to chair, bed, bench, wall, whatever). Fully or mostly naked, and then using some toys. Did she respond best to sensations? Then bring out the wartenberg wheel and claws. Did she like impact pain the most? Then grab the flogger and cane.
Whatever you decide to go with, mix in a little pleasure. If you’re not sure what to use for that, then it’s hard to go wrong with a Hitachi Magic Wand.
If it’s part of your scene, then this is a good time to add sexual elements – have her suck you, etc. Just try to hold off on cumming for now.

Release

As you add pleasuring devices to the mix, your play partner may orgasm. But, she also might not. Some women don’t feel comfortable enough to get there when playing with someone for the first time. Don’t take it personally, and don’t keep trying for hours. If after a reasonable amount of time it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, just move on to the next thing – no need to make a big deal about it.
If you’re going to have sex (i.e. penis in vagina type sex, that is), then now is a good time for that. Both of you should be massively turned on by now, and it will be pretty awesome sex! Some people like to keep the restraints on for this part, other prefer to ditch the bondage before fucking – its just whatever you’re feeling.

Chill time / aftercare

Once you’ve caught your breath, now is a good time to let her out of whatever bondage she might still be in.
Invite her to join you on a nearby couch for a snuggle. Offer her some water. Revel in the amazing chemical high that your brains will be producing. You may want to talk about what you each liked / didn’t like, or you might prefer to just sit in silence and cuddle for a bit.
If your partner sub-spaces, then she might be quite spacey for a while. Chill out with her for a while as needed. She will be feeling nice and floaty, and you don’t want her to drive anywhere while she’s in this state – it can be as dangerous as drinking and driving.
Sometime the next morning, text her and ask her how she’s feeling. After an amazing play scene, and the possible drop in endorphins the next day, hearing from you and her knowing that you care might just make her day.

Now that you’ve had a great first play experience, you can start to plan some more advanced and intense experiences for future scenes together, built on the foundation of trust created from an amazing first session.

Like my first BDSM scene ideas? Have some tips of your own? Let me know in the comments below.

Things My Mother Never Told Me About BDSM

March 19, 2018 By Eden 10 Comments

I think at some point in our lives we all find ourselves in a situation where we don’t know what the fuck is going on. For me, this “situation” started when I left my wife and just…kept…going. People say in times of hardship we find out what we’re truly made of, but I don’t think anybody would have guessed that inside of me was a masochistic submissive biding her time until relationship Armageddon. It takes a lot of courage to try new things, but if you’re curious about the kink community and you want to get started, here are a couple of things I learned in my first month that my mother definitely didn’t tell me about bdsm.

Social status is not defined by how you identify in terms of dominance or submission. You can be 100% submissive and still command loads of respect. What’s most important is how you treat other people…that and following the rules of any given dungeon. Just like in the real world, you get back what you give. If you’re an asshole, you’re going to be treated like one.
When somebody introduces themselves to you, use whatever name and title they tell you without questioning it. You aren’t expected to revere somebody just because their name is “Goddess Greenbean,” but it would be rude to drop their title. It might even be seen as a sign of disrespect to do so. Gender should also not be assumed. I’ve met at least three female D-types who go by “master” or “sir”.
Protect the identities of people you meet in the scene. Unlike with other social groups and communities, the kink world is embedded in secrecy and coded language because the dominant culture doesn’t accept kinky people. Even though it’s technically discrimination, if somebody’s identity is revealed at their place of work, they could lose their job. This is why many people go by fake names. They’re being cautious, and you probably should be too.
D/s dynamics don’t happen overnight. There are a ton of instances in pop culture where submissives are shown wearing collars and Dominants are depicted as predators who claim their property in one fell swoop, but actually, a D/s dynamic should form as gradually and organically as any vanilla relationship would. Collars aren’t given/accepted lightly, and if you’re new and somebody tries to collar you, you should be alarmed. You don’t need to be in a D/s dynamic to explore the scene, regardless of how you identify. Take your time and choose your partners wisely, not out of desperation.
Always, always negotiate before you play. There’s no such thing as too much information when it comes to being safe, and you’ll find quickly that everybody has their own unique set of soft and hard no’s, D-types included. Make sure you clearly communicate what’s going to happen or at the very least what might happen before you play with someone. I’ve yet to meet the person that seriously has “no limits,” and if you’re new and you think that describes you, take some time researching kinks before you blindly agree to everything on the table. Also know that you don’t need to invent a unique safe word just for you. The commonly accepted safe words are “yellow” for slow down and “red” for stop immediately. You might confuse the person topping you if you shout out “dandelion” at the top of your lungs in the middle of a scene.

Still uneasy after reading these pointers? That’s how it was for me the night I decided to turn my kinky dreams into a reality. Some of the things I thought I’d encounter in a bdsm dungeon the first time I stepped foot in one: a dominatrix woman in leather with a Russian accent. Dimly lit wall sconces that threw more shadows than actual light. Screams of pain. Somebody stumbling out with half their clothes on. Vampires. A shit ton of rope. Medieval torture devices. Dildos.

What actually happened…

The receptionist buzzed me in. I sat down on a plushy couch and reflected on the fact that my therapist’s office looked less inviting than this room did. A working submissive emerged politely from a back room to whisper something across the desk, and then the receptionist stood up and encouraged me to walk into the back room where a support group was meeting. Everything looked and smelled clean…almost clinically so. And the collection of people I saw as I took a seat on one of the last empty red poufs looked completely, 100%, no questions asked, normal.

You read that right. Normal. I usually detest the word and everything it stands for, but in this specific case it was a relief to see real people who were smiling, murmuring to each other, and looking around with non-judgmental curiosity. This wasn’t frightening at all. Not one person stood out as threatening, predatory, or even remotely vampiric. It was somewhere around this moment that I got hit with a major reality check: everything I thought I knew about bdsm was a lie. What I’d seen on TV was a lie. What I read in books was a lie. And now as I sat here surrounded by other people who shared this big, scary secret with me, I realized in the best possible way that I was not alone. Things stopped feeling scary. Who I was stopped being secret. And I started living my truth unabashedly.

My advice for newcomers is as follows:

Go into the kink community with an open mind and a willingness to ask questions.
Your goal should not be to find a play partner off the bat; instead, search for friends and role models that have more experience than you so that you have a safe place to ask questions and to get a little extra support.
Especially if you’re submissive, don’t fall into the trap of believing that you don’t have a right to voice your own needs and boundaries.
Carry yourself with confidence and dignity. Other people will pick up on that energy and automatically treat you with respect.

My biggest fear was that somebody might take advantage of me if I wasn’t on the defense. What I found instead was a core group of kinksters who wanted nothing more than to help me grow, but I had to let my own guard down long enough to see the helping hands all around me. Remember this: no matter how insecure you might feel, at the end of the day we are all just people. Awesome people with leather floggers and spanking benches, but people nonetheless.

There are a million and one ways to explore the scene, but hopefully these pointers help you navigate the space as you start your kinky journey into the unknown. If you have any questions or you’d like to reach out, feel free to contact me on my fetlife account at little_miss_eden. Thanks for reading!

By: Eden

If you look up the definition of “green,” you will find the name Eden alongside a picture of a girl tripping over her own feet. Eden has been writing for years and is also an actor and a karaoke enthusiast. She has been active in the bdsm community for nearly three months and can often be found assisting at kink events in the LA area. She is hoping that her writings will reach other new people in the scene to let them know they are not alone.

My First Play Party

November 20, 2017 By Jenn Masri Leave a Comment

I get asked by friends all the time, “Jenn, don’t you get tired of teaching the same basic stuff over and over?”

To that I say no. The reason I don’t get tired of what I do is for many reasons. I am giving info and providing opportunities that I wished I’d had when I was new, seeing people discover new things makes my heart super happy, and staying in touch with new folks week after week keeps me in touch with when I was new. I think it’s important to remember what that was like – otherwise it’s easy to become jaded, frustrated and even judgmental. What becomes second nature or common knowledge to us is often foreign to a new person. There is a learning curve here.

So having said all that I wanted to go back to my first ever public play party.

When I started in the scene I went to classes and munches and spent much of my time in the rope world and the spanko world. I got involved with a spanko group (which still exists) that, at that time, consisted of private parties in the group leader’s residence. Then one of the members of that group hosted a spanko party at a dungeon. I decided this would be a safe entry into the dungeon play party world because at least I would know a few people. This party happened to be held at a well-known dungeon in North Orange County here in SoCal.

I pulled into the parking lot in my family size SUV and I just sat there for a while. The address I punched into my Garmin took me to an industrial business type building so I had to double check my GPS like 25 times to make sure I wasn’t in the wrong place. Then I noticed people starting to arrive. I scoured their clothing and noticed that most of the women were wearing things like sundresses or flowy knee length skirts! I panicked. I looked down at my tight denim mini skirt and 6 inch stilettos and I immediately doubted my choice of outfit! Would I stand out like a sore thumb? Had I worn the wrong thing? Before I let myself give in to the panic and just drive home, I decided to text the one person who I knew was at the party and that I actually had a number for. (It happened to be the leader of the group at the time.) I told him I was parked outside and afraid I’d dressed inappropriately. I asked him to please come out to my car and tell me if I was right. (yes, he was nice enough to leave the party and come out to calm my fears) He laughed on his way to the car, shaking his head, and once he saw my outfit he assured me I would be completely ok. He walked me in and we went inside to where the party was happening.

The first thing I did was make a friend – a cute girl in pigtails and a cheerleading outfit – because at least she was another person not in a casual sundress! She and I sat and hung out and I realized that there was a reason for all those sundresses and flowy skirts. This was a spanko party and they were easy to flip up!! Lol Oh was I relieved! It wasn’t about a dress code or what outfit was appropriate, it was just easier access for what they were there to do!

After that realization I relaxed, met more people, including some from a class I’d been in a couple weeks before, and had a good time. There is more to the story but I covered the point of this article. Your first public play party can be scary and overwhelming. It’s ok to admit that and to reach out to a friendly face. It’s also good for veterans of the scene to remember this if you are the one they reach out to!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

first time

What actually happened…

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