This article is applicable when you and your new play partner are both knowledgeable and enthusiastic about BDSM, and have decided to arrange BDSM play together for the first time. If either of you is brand new to BDSM, or you are hoping to introduce BDSM to an existing but as-yet vanilla romantic relationship, then this article is likely not appropriate to your situation. It is written from the perspective of a male Dom and female sub, but can of course be applied to any variation of gender dynamic.
The first time playing with a new play partner is special. There is a magical electricity in the newness and uncertainty as you begin to connect with each other through dominance & submission. As you experience each other’s energy, there is a delicious joy in seeing how your new partner responds to your unique style of dominance.
When I’m preparing for a first play session like this, I normally have a few things I’d like to have as an outcome from the scene:
- For my play partner to feel confident that she is in safe hands – through me demonstrating calmness, competence in the BDSM skills that I use, and proactive interest in consent and safety.
- To get to know each other’s play style, and how she responds to some of the main types of activities within the BDSM umbrella.
- For both of us to have a positive, fun, sexy experience that leaves us both excited to play with each other again
Here’s a simple outline for where to take your scene, which accomplishes all three of these goals and sets you on a good foundation for more fun play in the future.
- Get the scene negotiation done before you meet to play. This leaves more time for play, and less room for someone to feel pressured / excited into agreeing to something that they didn’t really want to. Ideally earlier than the day you are playing. I recommend completing a written checklist rather than just a verbal discussion (although you can certainly go over it together on a phone call as well) – this helps ensure that you don’t leave anything out, or forget what was discussed. You can make your own checklist, or use mine. Everything that follows below assumes that it was ok’d in negotiation. Adjust your scene based on your play partners preferences and agreed boundaries. As a general rule, never do anything in play that wasn’t negotiated prior, or try to renegotiate during play.
- Establish how much time you have for your play. The last thing you want is for you to be planning a multi-hour masterpiece, but she needs to leave after an hour to meet friends.
- Set the scene
- Set up your play space before your play partner arrives. This includes working out which equipment and toys you’ll want to use and having them handy to the place that you want to use them. You can always ad lib a bit of course, but if you have to hunt around for everything during the scene, it will kill the energy.
- Consider any music, lighting, scents or other sensory elements you want the experience to include. These elements are overlooked by many dungeons and Doms who think play is only about physical stimulation. A small amount of effort can greatly enhance the mood and enjoyment of the scene for both participants.
- Greetings & pleasantries
- When your play partner arrives, don’t go straight into strict-Dom mode right from the get go. No matter how kinky she is, she is a person first. Consider what might be going through her mind in playing with you for the first time – especially if it’s at your home. Help make her feel more comfortable by greeting her with a smile, welcoming her inside, and offering her a drink (alcohol and play is a topic for another day – but you can’t go wrong with good cup of tea)
- If she shows up a little late, avoid the cliche of the angry dom & punishing her for it – there will be plenty of time for that in future.
- Hang out and chat for a few minutes, ask her about her day, etc. Make her feel comfortable. Don’t chat too long though – she is here to play after all.
- At an appropriate interval in conversation, transition to play with a simple “Still down for some play?” or similar. Assuming she answers in the affirmative, then proceed to the next step.
- Start with a little bondage
- Politely ask her to go and stand in a particular spot, facing a particular direction. E.g. “Can you please go and stand on the hearth, facing the fireplace, with your hands behind your back”. Still not in Dom-mode yet. This is an important transition step – it is an opportunity to demonstrate that she is ready to accept a simple instruction from you. If she hesitates / refuses / gets weirded out by you asking her to do this, then this is a red flag that she may not be ready for BDSM play, and you should not proceed with “doing anything” to her.
- Slowly & calmly walk over to her (she’s facing away so will hear your footsteps but not see you), and put your hands on her shoulders. Feel her energy, and let her feel your calmness and confidence.
- Bind her hands behind her back. Leather wrist cuffs are the simplest at this point, but if you are a rope addict then you can of course do rope cuffs instead (just don’t take forever). The idea is to add a simple, symbolic element of restraint to help her transition into a submissive headspace.
- D/s – Get physical, and lay out the rules
- Now that her hands are tied, make your physical presence felt. Perhaps a hug from behind, pulling her close into you. Explore her body with your hands over the top of her clothes. Build the anticipation – don’t just go straight to the naughty bits. Hips, arms, neck, back, hair, butt, face, tits, thighs, caress teasingly just above her pubic area (Again, and for the last time this article – keeping within boundaries negotiated prior).
- You are simultaneously doing several things here. You are exerting some initial dominance and control over her. Her hands are tied and she will feel the rush of having no control over your touch. And of course, there is the physical sensation of the caressing which starts to bring blood to the skin and warm her body.
- In my experience, if she is kinky and into you, then at this point she will be melting under your touch, pushing her body into you, possibly closing her eyes and breathing heavily. All good signs that you should continue.
- If she is already in the zone, then don’t be afraid to make some of your touching a little more rough and forceful (being mindful of sensitive areas and organs). Maybe use your arms to pull her elbows toward each other a little, thrusting her chest out.
- Now you can start with some Dom-talk. Everyone’s Dom-talk style is a little different. For me, that means being clear and authoritative – but also calm and not any louder than needed for her to hear me. Which at this point might be barely more than a whisper near her ear. “This is what you came here for huh?”…”Are you excited?”…”Are you nervous?”…”Are you going to be a good girl for me?” etc. Based on how she responds, you can move onto any rules that you want to establish.
- Keep any rules simple for first-time play – and not too many of them. For example, “Any time you answer a question, I want you to add Sir at the end”, is a simple and standard one. This is really just about testing the water and seeing how she responds to dominance / submission in play – for some it will be just ok, and others it will be heaven.
- Now is a good time to re-establish safe words and that there is no harm or shame in using them. “What’s your safe word?”…(she says it)…”And when are you going to say it?”…(if I’m not comfortable and want to stop)…”Very good”. You can also cover “yellow” type safewords and how to safeword with a gag in, if you’re planning to include a gag in your scene.
- A dash of sensation & a sprinkling of pain, to taste
- At this point, both of you are probably feeling pretty amazing, sexy and alive. A great place from which to step things up a notch.
- She still has her clothes on at this point. That was part of helping her be comfortable with getting to this point. Now is a great time to start exploring under then / removing some of them. If she responded well to the D/s earlier, instruct her to take off her panties (assuming she is wearing a dress). This will be a challenge with her hands tied behind her back, but she should be able to do it and it will be very enjoyable to watch.
- Add a little pain to the mix – some nipple pinching, hair pulling, spanking. See how she responds to it.
- Add a little sensation play to the mix – caressing, scratching. Maybe some cold metal or an ice cube. See how she responds to it.
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- The main course
- You’ve now tried a few different types of play, and should be getting a sense for what she likes most. Now you can move on to the main event.
- This can be whatever you like. For me, I prefer some kind of helpless bondage situation, sitting or lying down (tied to chair, bed, bench, wall, whatever). Fully or mostly naked, and then using some toys. Did she respond best to sensations? Then bring out the wartenberg wheel and claws. Did she like impact pain the most? Then grab the flogger and cane.
- Whatever you decide to go with, mix in a little pleasure. If you’re not sure what to use for that, then it’s hard to go wrong with a Hitachi Magic Wand.
- If it’s part of your scene, then this is a good time to add sexual elements – have her suck you, etc. Just try to hold off on cumming for now.
- As you add pleasuring devices to the mix, your play partner may orgasm. But, she also might not. Some women don’t feel comfortable enough to get there when playing with someone for the first time. Don’t take it personally, and don’t keep trying for hours. If after a reasonable amount of time it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, just move on to the next thing – no need to make a big deal about it.
- If you’re going to have sex (i.e. penis in vagina type sex, that is), then now is a good time for that. Both of you should be massively turned on by now, and it will be pretty awesome sex! Some people like to keep the restraints on for this part, other prefer to ditch the bondage before fucking – its just whatever you’re feeling.
- Chill time / aftercare
- Once you’ve caught your breath, now is a good time to let her out of whatever bondage she might still be in.
- Invite her to join you on a nearby couch for a snuggle. Offer her some water. Revel in the amazing chemical high that your brains will be producing. You may want to talk about what you each liked / didn’t like, or you might prefer to just sit in silence and cuddle for a bit.
- If your partner sub-spaces, then she might be quite spacey for a while. Chill out with her for a while as needed. She will be feeling nice and floaty, and you don’t want her to drive anywhere while she’s in this state – it can be as dangerous as drinking and driving.
- Sometime the next morning, text her and ask her how she’s feeling. After an amazing play scene, and the possible drop in endorphins the next day, hearing from you and her knowing that you care might just make her day.
Now that you’ve had a great first play experience, you can start to plan some more advanced and intense experiences for future scenes together, built on the foundation of trust created from an amazing first session.
Like my first BDSM scene ideas? Have some tips of your own? Let me know in the comments below.