In this week’s video, Sam shares the benefits one can experience by adding kink to their sex life!
More Intimacy In Your Relationship By Adding Kink and BDSM
Video: Why Have BDSM/Kink In Your Bedroom?
bdsm scene
The Case Of Trevor Bauer
In our world, a lot can go wrong if we are not very careful. Trevor Bauer, professional baseball player, is currently finding this out. Pending the outcome of a restraining order hearing in LA Superior Court and potential criminal charges, the outlook does not get much worse. All over a series of potential kink encounters gone wrong.
Before I go any further, this is not about his potential innocence or guilt. Or the voracity of the claims of his accuser. It is looking at the overall circumstances which potentially led to this point from the lens of kink. I was not there and do not know all the facts. Likely the real truth will never see the light of day. Bystanders like us are left to speculate what may have happened. Which I am not doing either.
What this article will examine some of the potential failure points as IF this was a kink encounter gone bad and what might have been done to prevent things going as they did.
- Just the Facts Ma’am
There is no one news story, article, or piece of court document which gives us a very good picture of what transpired. But after reading over fifty differing accounts of the court testimony and other sources a pattern begins to emerge where their stories match up. These are what I am hanging my hat on.
- There were only two encounters between the two of them both at Bauer’s residence.
- The two of them texted extensively and that during these exchanges “rough sex” was discussed at length to which they both indicated they were into.
- At some point in time a discussion on limits was had. Unknown what time or by what means the discussion took place. During these discussions his accuser did indicate some activities she was not comfortable with. We do not know what those are.
- The first encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, fingers being shoved down her throat, impact by hand without bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The latter possibly by force while she was unconscious.
- That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
- In between encounters she stated via text that she had never been more turned on than after their first encounter. This included her admission she liked “rough sex” and his statement that she probably did not like it as rough as he did. To which she replied, “Bring on the pain.”
- They agreed to meet a second time.
- The second encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, impact by hand which included bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The later possibly forced during the period of unconsciousness.
- That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
- That she incurred significant bruising as a result of the second encounter. She also experienced petechial hemorrhaging around the eyes and darkened gums potentially as a result of being choked.
- That they communicated via text after the second encounter during which she relayed images of the marks, bruising and hemorrhaging and he relayed his concern and offered support.
- That a day or so after the second encounter she sought medical assistance at an emergency room. During which the ER nurse administered a SART Examination (evidentiary examination for sexual assault) and notified law enforcement.
- Law enforcement did interview her. Law enforcement has not filed since charges or made an arrest on Bauer.
- Approximately a month later she filed for a protection order through the LA Superior Courts, Civil Division.
These lead me to believe they were engaged in kink; that they were both probably not very experienced; and the level of play did not match to the level of relationship or trust.
If so, where did it all go wrong and what are the failure points? What could they have done differently?
- In the Beginning Consent – Potential Criminal Liability (leaving the protective order issue aside)
Like most kink cases we have seen in the past Bauer is trying to argue these were consensual encounters and very possibly, given what we know, they were. But that does not matter one bit. As I have written in the past, consent as a legal defense regarding kink is a very iffy bet at best. Both regional and federal courts have ruled against consent as a defense in kink consistently.
Why?
Because it does not matter if the person receiving gave their consent as they cannot legally consent to a criminal act. In this case significant physical injury and forced penetration while unconscious. California has a specific law on the latter.
- Even Before Consent to the Act
What happened to not playing hard with people we barely know? Especially not Edge Play like choking. This more than anything else leads me to believe they are inexperienced players.
What is on display here is a wanton disregard or being completely naïve of practices we know help protect us from both severe physical harm and legal issues. I can see some lower-level negotiation before very light play and have no problem with it. Yet here, they went all in without any known trust bond or relationship.
That is not only reckless from a legal standpoint, but from a personal safety standpoint also.
What we do in kink is risky, so risk seeking is hard coded in the DNA for many of us. Yet this drive to find the next physical and emotional high through play needs to be tempered with some restraint and good judgement. More often than not, we see newer players lacking in these areas, because they are new, lacking that experience, and get caught up in a current sweeping them along.
We need to take a significant amount of time to vet and get to know a person fairly well if we are going to play heavy. There is not any substitute for it and the potential consequences of ignoring this step are national headlines today.
- The Marks of Passion
Whether we like it or not, they are evidence of a potential battery. As kinky people we do not view them this way, but the law does. Any time we leave a mark on someone, we have to be at peace with the potential consequences. If not, I would seriously advise against leaving any.
Bauer not only left marks but choked the accuser to the point where there was petechial hemorrhaging. Approximately 30 seconds of sustained pressure causes the blood vessels in the face to burst. This amount of force and time for the petechiae to develop puts the bottom in imminent risk of permanent physical harm. Law enforcement knows this and may charge Bauer accordingly as it could be viewed as attempted homicide or at the least a felony battery. The next 10 to 40 years of his life could be forfeit.
Not being able to hammer this point enough….. if you are going to play this hard, you better be able to trust your partner. Both ways. Not the, “I’ve known them for a few months,” kind of trust. The I would trust them with my life and raising my kids if I died kind.
If they are both inexperienced players as I suspect, Bauer and his accuser probably had no idea what they were getting into or they likely would not be where they are with this issue today.
Have a plan for seeking medical attention if needed. Seek out kink friendly professionals in your area who understand the marks they see, may not be abusive. Take the time to learn first aid, wound care, and more advanced medical aid appropriate to the type of play you are engaging in. If both of them were experienced, had a plan, and taken the time to train in how to deal with kink injuries….. perhaps this could have been avoided.
- It’s the Unseen Things Which Can Bite Us the Worst
If Bauer knew her medical history, it is currently unknown if he did. Perhaps he did not know enough to even ask. Here that history may have played a significant role. During the court hearing the nurse who administered the SART examination openly testified in court the accuser’s use of ibuprofen prior to the second encounter could have exacerbated the bruising. The accuser was also taking the prescription medications Lexapro and Gabapentin. These in combination are a serious cocktail and may have also contributed to the excessive bruising.
Lexapro is an antidepressant and anxiety medication. Not digging on anyone who needs it or uses it. But as a top I would want to dig a little bit on this to make sure the person I was playing with is ok enough to do so.
Gabapentin is used with other medications to prevent and control seizures. It is also used to relieve nerve pain in adults and is known as an anticonvulsant or antiepileptic drug. Knowing this I would be very hesitant to engage in heavy impact or choking/breath play. Regardless of why the accuser was taking the medication, they may be less likely to have a healthy pain response and unable to tell me the difference between the good pain (of impact play) and bad pain, to prevent seriously damaging them. Further, a restriction of oxygen could trigger a seizure.
Whether we like it or not, as tops we do have a responsibility to say no to play if we believe someone is not ready for the activities we want to engage in. Physically or mentally. Talking about medical history and medications is the only way to gain the needed information so we can make an informed decision. People involved in kink need to get past the embarrassment or secrecy they may hold regarding their personal information in this regard. It is for our own personal and collective safety.
- Where It All Ends Up
There is no way to tell at this point what the outcome of the protection order hearing will be let alone potential criminal charges for Bauer. When this article is published, at least one of those may have been decided. Hopefully, with the release of additional information we can learn more about the circumstances and use it to better protect ourselves.
In the meantime, please take this article for what it is, partly fact, and partly speculation. Both used to highlight potential legal and physical risks of play. I am not suggesting you should stop everything and go through your medicine cabinet or quit playing all together. Only that some of what we do has to be approached with real planning and thought; a bit of caution aided with a modicum of knowledge; and whole heap of covering your own ass before the fact.
Vetting; developing trust; understanding the kinks you are exercising and the risks; having an understanding of each others’ medical concerns, history, and medications; as well as having a plan for if play goes wrong are all key points we need to be aware of and practice.
If we do not, we are rolling a loaded pair of dice and the odds are against us.
Bauer rolled snake eyes.
News Stories and Relevant Links (unfortunately case transcripts are not available in full at this time)
Drug Interaction Checker – Find Interactions Between Medications (webmd.com)
9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 1) (kinkoutloud.com)
9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 2) (kinkoutloud.com)
Petechial Hemorrhage | Encyclopedia.com
Trevor Bauer Court Documents: Sexual Assault Accusation Details | Heavy.com
Trevor Bauer accuser details why she asked for restraining order – The Washington Post
What we learned from Day 2 of the Bauer Hearing – Beyond the Box Score
Trevor Bauer accuser becomes flustered by cross-examination – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)
Bauer accuser grilled about past relationships with Padres players, deleted messages – Daily News
Trevor Bauer’s attorneys question his accuser (nypost.com)
Trevor Bauer (トレバー・バウアー) (@BauerOutage) / Twitter
Trevor Bauer’s hearing begins with testimony from accuser – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)
TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to and helps admin several online kink, polyamory, and swing culture groups on Facebook such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; Virtual Munch; and Pittsburgh Lifestyle. His writing includes information on self-improvement, kink education, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics, healthy and healing relationships, power exchange, safety and much more. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for over three decades. He can be contacted and view much of his other writing on FetLife @ TAC_1.
Bastinado or Caning The Soles of The Feet
bas·ti·na·do
/ˌbastəˈnādō,ˌbastəˈnädō/
HISTORICAL
noun
a form of punishment or torture that involves caning the soles of someone’s feet.
verb
punish or torture (someone) by caning the soles of the feet.
“the prisoners were bastinadoed frequently in his presence”
The German term is Bastonade, deriving from the Italian noun bastonata (stroke with the use of a stick). In former times it was also referred to as Sohlenstreich (corr. striking the soles). The Chinese term is dǎ jiǎoxīn (打脚心 / 打腳心).
The point is that Bastinado has been practices as a form of punishment for a very long time. In kink, on the other hand, as separate from a hard caning by a Dominant for the reason of punishment, Bastinado can be thought of as a day for the feet to go to the spa. A good place to start with the feet are the acupressure charts that illustrate the way the sole of foot relates to the rest of the body’s organs. Keep in mind as you work on feet that there is a variance between left and right foot and there is also a variance between people. With that in mind, viewing more than one chart is a good idea so that you are familiar with the variances.
Another idea is to familiarize yourself with foot anatomy. Not necessarily to the degree that you can talk anatomy with an expert, but to be aware of the bones of the foot and how thick or thin they are and also so that you understand at least in a limited way, what the musculature of the foot looks like.
So how does one approach a Bastinado scene with one’s submissive/bottom to have them drooling with pleasure?
First create the ambiance. Dark room, soft instrumental music, a comfortable table, and a range of tools.
It’s nice to begin with your new knowledge of foot anatomy, a foot massage with a light oil that they are not allergic to is a great way to begin. Another way to warm the foot up is to do a wax scene with the feet, but that is not necessary, only nice.
The thing to keep in mind is that compared to the muscle mass in the arm, the muscle mass in the foot is minute. The bones are little and it’s important to mitigate against the possibility of causing serious injury. This is not a torture or even meant to be a punishment. Bastinado is a way to “pay back” the submissive with a day at the foot spa. It’s good advice to do a butt spanking first to warm up the “root chakra” before going on to the feet. When you do transition to the feet, make sure to use a thick thuddy short cane at first to warm up to foot evenly.
It’s a very good idea for Bastinado to use a shortened cane, which is much easier to control. Work the strokes up and down the foot to warm the sole of the foot evenly.
Caning the foot is not the sort of stroke you use to mark a bottom. It’s a foreshortened swing with a shortened cane, the stroke should be no more than an inch or two at most to begin with. To manage this, it’s best to use a short cane (shorty) with very small partial strokes at first. One way to test how hard you can strike the foot is for the Dominant to first use the cane on his or her own foot first to see both where and how hard to strike the foot in a manner that enhances the experience. It’s also not a bad idea to compare what you are feeling to the reflexology charts as you do so. Then have the bottom do the same and let them tell you how hard to hit. Do this with a shorty. A short cane generates less force than a longer cane, especially with partial strokes. Even so, remember that your foot is not the bottom’s foot. My feet are thick and meaty, my bottom’s feet are thin and boney, so I have to think about her foot with the reality of the difference between her foot and mine, in mind. Every foot is different.
As with all kinks, especially as you get started with Bastinado, it’s a very good idea for the bottom to turn the volume up on their thoughts. The top cannot guess what the bottom is feeling and there needs to be a very useful way to share the experience out loud. One way is for the bottom to share from the out of 1-10 scale as in: “1, 2 or 3” is light and easily tolerated, “4, 5 and 6” is just right and “7” is too much and “8, 9 and 10” are all out of bounds. The top should listen to the number the bottom is sharing so that they can match the intensity of the stroke to the tolerance.
It’s good to work on one foot at a time so that you as the top can approach each foot from a similar side. I prefer to stand on the outside of the leg so that my stroke falls (ideally) in the arch and along the pads of the foot with great toe pad getting the most attention.
If you are someone who has trouble targeting the strokes accurately, you might try putting a short cane between the toes to act as a guide and that way you can get full coverage of the foot as you move the target toward the heel. Just remember that tapping the cane, bouncing the cane on the foot with a light grip as is the bounce back stroke. At most a 2” swing to a 10” swing with no full force swings of the cane are necessary for a good session. Remember, it’s a day at the foot spa for the bottom.
Think of Bastinado as a way to pay the bottom back for all the time, effort and energy that they have given you as the Top.
You can also use a tuning fork or a waxing or a massage and all of the above to make this an amazing Bastinado experience. Start light, have fun, go slow and enjoy this fetish.
You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com
SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching options.
Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/
Video: Roles In The Lifestyle
Learn helpful role descriptions and honorifics with Depraves Eros!
Click below to find out more!
Bdsm Roles in the Lifestyle And Whats It All About!
Don’t Be A Doormat No Matter How You Identify In The Scene
Regardless of our role, we need to stand on a set of self-defined principles. Sure, the Lifestyle, in general, has core tenets which many of us try to follow. Not what I am talking about. I am referring to your personal ethic. A set of internal rules you have decided to live by. If you have them.
It becomes very difficult to find North if we do not have a compass. Those self-defined principles become that compass. They inform how we act with others, how we treat ourselves, and most importantly let us feel confident when it is time to be our own champion.
One of the easiest ways to get ourselves into trouble in kink is to say yes too easily. I’ve certainly fell into that trap and still do occasionally. We want to please others. We want to be wanted. When someone else asks us to participate they are signaling to us they see value in us. It is very hard to turn that down at times. Being principled allows us the freedom to say no on our own terms.
There are volumes of people in kink who seem rudderless. Why is this? Is it simply that they are lost in a see of information? Or could part of it be they do not understand the importance of self-defined principles? How many people have you met or talked to in the last month, let alone the last year, who couldn’t get the piss out of the boot if there were instructions on the heel?
I am not casting aspersions or making fun. Merely recognizing that in our chosen lifestyle and in kink we must be very self-aware and willing to be our own defender. No one is going to care as much about our own wellbeing as ourselves. If that is not true, I would respectfully suggest you are not ready for this life because if you cannot be your own shield, there are those our there who will eat you alive.
See Your Own Value
We are not going to stand on our own principles, defending our own being, if we do not see value in ourselves. If we are desperate to be validated by others, then we are not taking our own worth into account. Each of us has our own value, seeing that in ourselves is the place to start when defining what is important to us.
Find Your Voice
Knowing our worth and having principles is not enough if we are not able to be vocal in our own defense. I am not talking about fending off the odd insult, or telling someone off who pissed us off. This is about the times when we know we really want to say yes, but should say no. When someone overlooks our contribution in a dynamic. Or when we want to be part of a group or activity for our own good but are scared to speak up.
We have to get over the hump of sitting in the shadows and ignoring our own needs. Voicing what we expect, what is needed, and yes what is wrong. If you are not used to being vocal it will be difficult at first, but it will get easier the more you do it. People will be less likely to gloss over your voice because they will be more accustomed to hearing you.
Find it, keep it, and use it.
Define Your Own Purpose
Why am I here in this restaurant talking to this person? Why am I in this group or at this munch? Why did I come to this class? Why?
The why you are doing something becomes the motivation to be your own advocate. Otherwise, why be there? There is a goal you are trying to achieve be it additional knowledge, vetting a potential partner, making fiends in the community, or simply to get out of the house. There is a purpose, what is it?
Whatever it is use it to spur you forward. We are more likely to use our voice and to be our own champion if we have a clear goal in mind.
Define Your Principles
What is personally important to you? Making sure you have time for your family? Your integrity? Staying STD free?
There are a thousand questions I could ask you to help you dial it in. But really, you already know for the most part what your personal priorities are and what is important to you. These are what you need to hang your proverbial hat on. Make each into a statement which creates a line which you will not cross.
For example, one of my principles is that I will not lie to anyone, ever, not matter the circumstance. To some this may sound easy, but rest assured it is not. I have been tempted to save someone’s feelings from the truth, be easy on their ego, or even afraid of losing a friendship.
Not matter what line you draw in the sand it will eventually be tested in away you do not expect. Do not box yourself in with a million principles. Just the ones that you know you need to be able to maintain respect for yourself.
Being Principled is Hard, but Important
People will call you closed minded at times. Refer to you as stuck up, stiff, and many more choice ways designed to ding your own positive self-view. It can be a lonely road some days to walk because we all just want to get along for the most part.
If we go with the flow and let others define our path eventually we will wind up in a box canyon with no way out and the rains are coming. At that point we have let others set the stage for our self-destruction because we will have to decide whether or not to let go of those who have guided us there and save ourselves or remain and lose all self-respect.
Being principled helps us avoids those dire straits. They allow us to stand in the middle of the chaos others have authored and say no, enough, this is not for me.
The Gold at the End of the Rainbow
Peace. It may be a harder road to travel but it is an infinitely more fulfilling one.
Being able to wake each day confident in our purpose, our general direction, and knowing we have designed armor, those self-defined principles, keeping us on a path which is right for us sets us on a positive path.
People who are worth knowing will respect you for sticking to your guns. Seriously, who in your life do you respect who constantly flip flops regarding their personal worth and ethic? I would be willing to bet, no one. People who are principled, are easier to trust and respect because they are more consistent in how they view themselves and treat others.
At the End of the Day
Time passes faster than we would like to admit. Hell, I blinked and half a century flew by. Not all of it I am proud of. I wish I had been more principled at times. It would have saved me a ton of trouble. Regardless, I am here now, and hopefully learned better.
When I finally learned to have a core personal ethic, consciously decided on, it made my life much simpler, if not always easier. It allowed me to be who I am without apology. Without having to explain myself or make excuses.
Having that personal foundation gave me more self confidence and pushed me to seek those who are also very principled in their lives. As a result, I found the best life partner I never could have imagined. Very principled herself. A giant pain in my ass some days for sure. But a person I can love and respect without caveats. She calls me on my shit when I screw up and lets me know when I am doing well. We can be brutally honest with each other, and with others. There is a freedom in that.
Kink, BDSM, and the Lifestyle are rough. The process of growth sucks beyond imagining some days. It’s near impossible to manage if we do not have a compass to keep us headed in the right direction.
To borrow another’s words, “But let me just officially state the biggest warning that was never explicitly stated: D/s is mounds of painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work. And the best part? It never stops being painful, gut-wrenching, vulnerable, hurt-like-hell work (if you’re doing it right).”
It is tough, but with that compass, it gets easier. Otherwise, we might as well be a doormat because everyone and their dog will walk over us.
This week in kink: September 6, 2021
Can BDSM reduce anxiety?
Check out this riveting article from YourTango that answers this question using scientific research
Hurts SO good.
Heard of a “ruined orgasm?”
If not, check out this interesting article from yahoo!life that further explains how this can used to tease your partner
Don't knock it 'til you try it.
New to the lifestyle?
Then, click on this awesome newbie guide from InStyle!
Your everything guide to what BDSM actually is — and isn't.
Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”
No Strings Attached BDSM Relationships: What To Do When You Catch Feelings
What happens when you catch feelings for a casual play partner?
How should you navigate the BSDM feels?
Check out this awesome video from the fabulous Evie Lupine to learn more!
"No Strings Attached" BDSM Relationships: What to do When You Catch Feelings
Being Prepared: First Aid And Kink
One of the things I am very grateful of- from early on in my kink life my mentor drilled into me that before I could potentially break it, I needed to know how to fix it.
I think everyone would agree, avoiding injury and safety in play is our first priority. But we spend, or at least I do, a whole lot more time thinking about the play itself, than about what to do if someone gets hurt. Of course we do! Fantasizing about our next scene and what will happen is a whole lot sexier than ticking off a mental list of risks and whether or not we packed a roll of gauze in our bag. Nothing will kill that mid-day tingle like the thought of a broken finger and how to splint it.
If we stay in the game long enough, someone is going to get a bit banged up. Not just our bottoms, but tops get injured also. It pays for everyone involved to be reasonably versed in first aid and general wound care. Here are a few things I picked up along the way which might help you be a little better prepared.
- Learn How to Fix It
Depending on what play you are into, there are a variety of injuries which can happen no matter how careful we are. For the most part, general first aid will cover the odd minor cuts, abrasions, bruises, and the like. For heavier players, split skin, lacerations, deep bruising, serious cuts and possibly worse can happen. Knowing what to do for more serious injuries is a must in these instances and can be the difference between something being able to heal well, and a trip to the emergency room.
Start with a Red Cross First Aid and CPR Class. Yes, go to an actual class where you can go hands on, not just watching a YouTube video or reading a book. Walking through the different aspects helps set the knowledge better in our heads and gives us a chance to ask questions and hear the questions of others being answered. The value of this interaction cannot be overstated.
If you are a heavier player, consider attending some kink specific training where you can ask the instructors what the potential injuries may be, and what to do about them. There are also plenty of survivalists out there who run field first aid classes which teach about how to deal with more serious injuries.
Nope I’m not a Kook and I’m not joking.
Sure, you may learn a whole lot more than you need, but having the core knowledge that is more in depth than simple first aid can be a game changer if a scene goes really badly. It’s better to be over prepared than under. Not to mention….it’s just good to know.
A good reference book for this more advanced care is the US Army Field Manual for First Aid which can be found for free here- Chapter 1 (army.mil) as well as this book available through Amazon ACEP First Aid Manual, 5th Edition (Dk First Aid Manual): DK Publishing: 9781465419507: Amazon.com: Gateway
Again, a whole bunch more information than you need, but if you do suspensions dropping someone on their head might be a real concern. Knowing what to do with a head injury might be important to you.
- Build Your Kit
“OH MY GOD!!!! I read that manual now I have to build a footlocker sized first aid kit!”
Nope. You really don’t. Start with a commercial of the shelf basic first aid kit which covers minor injuries. Most of these are small enough to fit easily in a side pocket of most gear bags. I won’t go over everything I think you should have in this basic kit, but here is one which I would recommend as it contains a bunch of what you need, and it has features which can be very helpful:
What is great about this kit:
- Red Bag with a reflective stripe so it’s easier to locate in lower light settings.
- Fold out sections and zipper pockets so its easy to find things quickly and keep organized.
- Comes with medical shears – somethings a lot of rope tops recommend having around.
- Has supplies which cover not just cuts, bites, stings and abrasions – but also has gear to help with a little more serious mechanical injuries.
- Great price point for a basic kit.
This is a great start and will cover the vast majority of players out there and what they need in a kit. One note though, many of these types of kits do have some supplies which expire over time. Put on your annual to do list to inventory your kit and replace items you have used or have expired.
For those who might need gear for more serious injuries look at the type of play and match additional supplies to those risks. Here are a few examples-
Fire Play- extra ice packs, sterile burn bandages, and extra gauze.
Knife Play- pressure dressing, chest seal, and a coagulant pack and/or coagulant gauze, CAT tourniquet (or similar).
Rope Play- rescue hook, extra ointment for abrasions, extra gauze, kinesthetic tape.
CNC and Primal- Kinesthetic tape and finger splints.
Whips (as in a serious single tail)- Antibiotic ointment, superglue, and butterfly closures.
Just some examples (I know there is a lot more you super prepper kinksters), and to many of you these may sound like overkill. For most of you it would be. But penetrating wounds can happen during knife play. Sweat drips onto a slick floor, the foot slips a bit and out of reaction the Top tries to catch themselves. That knife could wind up where it wasn’t intended, in either of you. Better to be prepared than not. Knives may be a cool thought for you newer rope tops….. until you try to get it between the skin of your bottom and the rope in a hurry without cutting them badly. Oh, and test it out on a spare piece of rope so you know how it works.
Don’t build a foot locker full of medical gear, unless that’s your kink😉. You’ll hate it and you won’t take it with you when you should. A smallish kit with what you need is best. Stick to items you know how to use.
Lastly, make sure you are protecting yourself. Pack extra rubber or nitrile gloves in your kit and a pair of safety glasses. Sure, you and your bottom may already have each other’s cooties…… but it may be someone else at the club who gets injured and you are the only one around with a decent kit and the knowledge to use it. Plan accordingly.
- Practice
Like anything else in kink, when it’s happening is the wrong time to be googling how to do it. Take some time several times a year to go over what to do if someone gets injured. Not just you Tops but bottoms also. Practice on each other how to apply a basic bandage; what to do in case of a burn etc. We all like to think that after we go to a training the knowledge will always be there. IT WON’T.
Make the effort to refresh what you learned so if something does happen and people are freaking out around you putting you are under additional stress; what you need to do comes back to you without a herculean effort.
You would not use a single tail on someone without having practiced on a pillow regularly would you? Same principle.
Lastly, do not let your knowledge, kit, and practice make you overconfident. Things may happen which are beyond our ability to handle alone. Yes, there is risk in going to the hospital or calling an ambulance but its better than someone being permanently maimed or worse.
- Keep it Handy
Not in the car; not in the closet; not in another room………
Handy! Like within reasonable reach.
Depending on the scene I keep my kit either next to the kink furniture I am using (where I won’t step on it) or in the gear bag within a few steps. I make sure that anyone I am playing with knows exactly where it is before play starts, and if there is a dungeon monitor, I inform them also.
When you need it, you need it. Enough said.
- A Few Extras Which Are Nice to Have Around
Although not exactly first aid items, these can come in handy for different things if you have the room:
A bottle of water to wash out cuts or rinse abrasions.
Bug spray and sun screen for outdoor play. Mosquitos and sun poisoning can ruin an otherwise great outing.
Small pack of Kleenex for addressing small things that you don’t need a band-aid for like shaving cuts.
Pain killers such as ibuprofen or paracetamol.
- The Pay Off
Having good knowledge of what to do in case of injury prompts us to assess risks in play more carefully making it less likely we will seriously injure someone. Knowing first aid and having a kit is not just a cure, but a means of prevention.
Being prepared in mind and with kit gives us the ability to prevent minor injuries from becoming serious ones; helps us recognize more serious injuries quickly; and potentially prevent an injury becoming life threatening. Practicing on each other builds our confidence and makes it more likely we will respond appropriately if an injury does happen.
Yes, this is going to take your valuable time, effort, and a bit of coin to do right. But so does practicing kink and we do that without blinking. Why wouldn’t we make the effort to protect the most valuable of assets, each other. Being prepared is an investment in ourselves and our partner which should not be overlooked or taken lightly.
As I said before…… When you need it, you need it. Enough said.
Here are some other resources which might be helpful:
Wilderness First Aid (nols.edu)
First Aid for Bruises, Abrasions and Other After Play Marks – Submissive Guide
Sexual Safety Kit – Submissive Feminist
BDSM — blossom’s Suggestions for a First Aid Kit (evilmonk.org)
Dungeon Monitor Kits – The DM’s Tool Bag (devianceanddesire.com)
Video: Bloodplay: Stigma, Fear and Play on the Edge
Curious about edgier kinds of play?
Turned on by blood?
Then, check out this riveting video by Evie Lupine!
Bloodplay: Stigma, Fear and Play on the Edge
Predators Can Have Great References
Predators don’t violate everyone they play with. They need people who can honestly say “oh, yeah, it was great”. They need people who will be a good reference so they can find and groom new prey.
New prey. That would be you.
No one is going to give you the name of someone they’ve violated.
No one is going to give you the name of someone who will say “oh, yeah, him…he’s going to pee in your mouth after you tell him, vehemently, that you don’t want him to do that.”
No one is going to give you the name of someone who has accused them of consent violations, which are the people you’d WANT to hear from. Or, you think you do. Some people hear negative stories and think “Gosh, what if those people are exaggerating? It couldn’t have been that bad.” We see them posting every time someone pops up with their horrific story of abuse and consent violations.
They’re going to give you the names of the people they did NOT violate. You know, the ones who post “he played with me lots of times and I never had any problem” on those same writings.
Let me tell you what, but this serial predator is smarter than you.
He knows he’s smarter than you are because he picked you carefully. He’s had his system in place for YEARS and probably was watching you for months waiting to make his move. Yes, some predators are opportunistic. We’re talking about the patient planner here, the one who will wait for you to walk willingly into his arms.
You aren’t the first victim and you won’t be the last because (let’s face it) you WON’T go to the police. You’ll be too embarrassed, regardless the hurt done to you. Almost no one files charges, let alone sees it through to final verdict.
“But he had such great references!” Of course he did. He made sure of it.
Maybe you should spend the time getting to know them rather than jumping in with both feet because someone you don’t know said “yeah, he’s a great guy.”
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She has over 30 years of experience in SM play and d/s relationships. She is aan award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty eight fiction books. Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828 She enjoys crocheting and diamond painting, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.