Kink Weekly

BDSM articles ideas bondage erotica resource

You are here: Home / Archives for bdsm scene

bdsm scene

Scene ideas: First BDSM session with a new play partner

By 3 Comments

dominant man puts handcuffs on woman in sexy red dress.jpeg
via stock.adobe.com

This article is applicable when you and your new play partner are both knowledgeable and enthusiastic about BDSM, and have decided to arrange BDSM play together for the first time.  If either of you is brand new to BDSM, or you are hoping to introduce BDSM to an existing but as-yet vanilla romantic relationship, then this article is likely not appropriate to your situation.  It is written from the perspective of a male Dom and female sub, but can of course be applied to any variation of gender dynamic.

The first time playing with a new play partner is special.  There is a magical electricity in the newness and uncertainty as you begin to connect with each other through dominance & submission.  As you experience each other’s energy, there is a delicious joy in seeing how your new partner responds to your unique style of dominance.

When I’m preparing for a first play session like this, I normally have a few things I’d like to have as an outcome from the scene:

  1. For my play partner to feel confident that she is in safe hands – through me demonstrating calmness, competence in the BDSM skills that I use, and proactive interest in consent and safety.
  2. To get to know each other’s play style, and how she responds to some of the main types of activities within the BDSM umbrella.
  3. For both of us to have a positive, fun, sexy experience that leaves us both excited to play with each other again

Here’s a simple outline for where to take your scene, which accomplishes all three of these goals and sets you on a good foundation for more fun play in the future.

  1. Pre-play
  • Get the scene negotiation done before you meet to play.  This leaves more time for play, and less room for someone to feel pressured / excited into agreeing to something that they didn’t really want to. Ideally earlier than the day you are playing.  I recommend completing a written checklist rather than just a verbal discussion (although you can certainly go over it together on a phone call as well) – this helps ensure that you don’t leave anything out, or forget what was discussed.  You can make your own checklist, or use mine.  Everything that follows below assumes that it was ok’d in negotiation. Adjust your scene based on your play partners preferences and agreed boundaries. As a general rule, never do anything in play that wasn’t negotiated prior, or try to renegotiate during play.
  • Establish how much time you have for your play.  The last thing you want is for you to be planning a multi-hour masterpiece, but she needs to leave after an hour to meet friends.
  1. Set the scene
  • Set up your play space before your play partner arrives.  This includes working out which equipment and toys you’ll want to use and having them handy to the place that you want to use them.  You can always ad lib a bit of course, but if you have to hunt around for everything during the scene, it will kill the energy.
  • Consider any music, lighting, scents or other sensory elements you want the experience to include.  These elements are overlooked by many dungeons and Doms who think play is only about physical stimulation. A small amount of effort can greatly enhance the mood and enjoyment of the scene for both participants.
  1. Greetings & pleasantries
  • When your play partner arrives, don’t go straight into strict-Dom mode right from the get go.  No matter how kinky she is, she is a person first.  Consider what might be going through her mind in playing with you for the first time – especially if it’s at your home.  Help make her feel more comfortable by greeting her with a smile, welcoming her inside, and offering her a drink (alcohol and play is a topic for another day – but you can’t go wrong with good cup of tea)
  • If she shows up a little late, avoid the cliche of the angry dom & punishing her for it – there will be plenty of time for that in future.
  • Hang out and chat for a few minutes, ask her about her day, etc.  Make her feel comfortable.  Don’t chat too long though – she is here to play after all.
  • At an appropriate interval in conversation, transition to play with a simple “Still down for some play?” or similar.  Assuming she answers in the affirmative, then proceed to the next step.
  1. Start with a little bondage
  • Politely ask her to go and stand in a particular spot, facing a particular direction.  E.g. “Can you please go and stand on the hearth, facing the fireplace, with your hands behind your back”.  Still not in Dom-mode yet.  This is an important transition step – it is an opportunity to demonstrate that she is ready to accept a simple instruction from you.  If she hesitates / refuses / gets weirded out by you asking her to do this, then this is a red flag that she may not be ready for BDSM play, and you should not proceed with “doing anything” to her.
  • Slowly & calmly walk over to her (she’s facing away so will hear your footsteps but not see you), and put your hands on her shoulders.  Feel her energy, and let her feel your calmness and confidence.
  • Bind her hands behind her back.  Leather wrist cuffs are the simplest at this point, but if you are a rope addict then you can of course do rope cuffs instead (just don’t take forever).  The idea is to add a simple, symbolic element of restraint to help her transition into a submissive headspace.
  1. D/s – Get physical,  and lay out the rules
  • Now that her hands are tied, make your physical presence felt.  Perhaps a hug from behind, pulling her close into you.  Explore her body with your hands over the top of her clothes.  Build the anticipation – don’t just go straight to the naughty bits.  Hips, arms, neck, back, hair, butt, face, tits, thighs, caress teasingly just above her pubic area (Again, and for the last time this article – keeping within boundaries negotiated prior).
  • You are simultaneously doing several things here.  You are exerting some initial dominance and control over her.  Her hands are tied and she will feel the rush of having no control over your touch.  And of course, there is the physical sensation of the caressing which starts to bring blood to the skin and warm her body.
  • In my experience, if she is kinky and into you, then at this point she will be melting under your touch, pushing her body into you, possibly closing her eyes and breathing heavily.  All good signs that you should continue.
  • If she is already in the zone, then don’t be afraid to make some of your touching a little more rough and forceful (being mindful of sensitive areas and organs).    Maybe use your arms to pull her elbows toward each other a little, thrusting her chest out.
  • Now you can start with some Dom-talk.  Everyone’s Dom-talk style is a little different.  For me, that means being clear and authoritative – but also calm and not any louder than needed for her to hear me.  Which at this point might be barely more than a whisper near her ear.  “This is what you came here for huh?”…”Are you excited?”…”Are you nervous?”…”Are you going to be a good girl for me?” etc.  Based on how she responds, you can move onto any rules that you want to establish.
  • Keep any rules simple for first-time play – and not too many of them.  For example, “Any time you answer a question, I want you to add Sir at the end”, is a simple and standard one.  This is really just about testing the water and seeing how she responds to dominance / submission in play – for some it will be just ok, and others it will be heaven.
  • Now is a good time to re-establish safe words and that there is no harm or shame in using them.  “What’s your safe word?”…(she says it)…”And when are you going to say it?”…(if I’m not comfortable and want to stop)…”Very good”.  You can also cover “yellow” type safewords and how to safeword with a gag in, if you’re planning to include a gag in your scene.
  1. A dash of sensation & a sprinkling of pain, to taste
  • At this point, both of you are probably feeling pretty amazing, sexy and alive.  A great place from which to step things up a notch.
  • She still has her clothes on at this point.  That was part of helping her be comfortable with getting to this point.  Now is a great time to start exploring under then / removing some of them.  If she responded well to the D/s earlier, instruct her to take off her panties (assuming she is wearing a dress).  This will be a challenge with her hands tied behind her back, but she should be able to do it and it will be very enjoyable to watch.
  • Add a little pain to the mix – some nipple pinching, hair pulling, spanking.  See how she responds to it.
  • Add a little sensation play to the mix – caressing, scratching.  Maybe some cold metal or an ice cube.  See how she responds to it.

Article continues below

blonde submissive kneels on bed in underwear with hands tied
via stock.adobe.com
  1. The main course
  • You’ve now tried a few different types of play, and should be getting a sense for what she likes most.  Now you can move on to the main event.
  • This can be whatever you like.  For me, I prefer some kind of helpless bondage situation, sitting or lying down (tied to chair, bed, bench, wall, whatever).  Fully or mostly naked, and then using some toys.  Did she respond best to sensations?  Then bring out the wartenberg wheel and claws.  Did she like impact pain the most?  Then grab the flogger and cane.
  • Whatever you decide to go with, mix in a little pleasure.  If you’re not sure what to use for that, then it’s hard to go wrong with a Hitachi Magic Wand.
  • If it’s part of your scene, then this is a good time to add sexual elements – have her suck you, etc.  Just try to hold off on cumming for now.
  1. Release
  • As you add pleasuring devices to the mix, your play partner may orgasm.  But, she also might not.  Some women don’t feel comfortable enough to get there when playing with someone for the first time.  Don’t take it personally, and don’t keep trying for hours.  If after a reasonable amount of time it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen, just move on to the next thing – no need to make a big deal about it.
  • If you’re going to have sex (i.e. penis in vagina type sex, that is), then now is a good time for that.  Both of you should be massively turned on by now, and it will be pretty awesome sex!  Some people like to keep the restraints on for this part, other prefer to ditch the bondage before fucking – its just whatever you’re feeling.
  1. Chill time / aftercare
  • Once you’ve caught your breath, now is a good time to let her out of whatever bondage she might still be in.
  • Invite her to join you on a nearby couch for a snuggle.  Offer her some water.  Revel in the amazing chemical high that your brains will be producing. You may want to talk about what you each liked / didn’t like, or you might prefer to just sit in silence and cuddle for a bit.
  • If your partner sub-spaces, then she might be quite spacey for a while.  Chill out with her for a while as needed.  She will be feeling nice and floaty, and you don’t want her to drive anywhere while she’s in this state – it can be as dangerous as drinking and driving.
  • Sometime the next morning, text her and ask her how she’s feeling.  After an amazing play scene, and the possible drop in endorphins the next day, hearing from you and her knowing that you care might just make her day.

Now that you’ve had a great first play experience, you can start to plan some more advanced and intense experiences for future scenes together, built on the foundation of trust created from an amazing first session.

Like my first BDSM scene ideas? Have some tips of your own? Let me know in the comments below.

Stepping on Landmines

By Leave a Comment

heart love stones in the quarry

Trigger warning: This article is about triggers. If this triggers you, please be advised and continue with caution.
“Trigger” is a word that is used to cover many types and severities of things that may come up during a scene on a psychological or emotional level. The tough part is that much of the time we don’t know what triggers we have until they are activated. Obviously if you know you have a trigger (or triggers) you should be communicating that with your partner.

Can Tops/D-types be triggered as well? Absolutely. It is important for both people – or all people – involved in a scene to disclose triggers that they know they have.

So let’s talk about those ones we didn’t realize were there. Those “landmines” we step on or that get stepped on that we weren’t prepared for. How they are dealt with depends on the severity of the trigger. There is a spectrum all the way from something that conjures up feelings of anger or annoyance – and not in a sexy primal way – to true PTSD, panic attack inducing triggers. Those that have the latter often get frustrated that there aren’t more words to describe triggers – since the difference in severity can be huge.

Some triggers are very minor and the person triggered can continue the scene with little to no disruption. I still would advise you discuss it with your partner after the scene – either within the same evening or a day or two after. No matter what, even if it was small, don’t leave it hanging. Your partner wants to know. An example may be perhaps they call you by a version of your name that only your parents use and it made you think of your parents in the middle of the scene and displaced your mind set. Maybe they do something that reminds you of an ex (toxic) partner. The thing they do is harmless, yet it takes you back and triggers memories of a bad situation you were in.
There are triggers that are more severe. Your partner uses an implement that your father used to beat you with as a child as punishment. You smell a perfume that your best friend also wore – a friend that you lost to a tragic car accident. There are endless examples I could use. These may require you to pause or stop the scene. Perhaps after a break you can continue the scene or begin a new scene. Use the time to let your partner know what was triggered and why. As the person who triggered them – listen to them, get them water, hold them if they need that, let them sit alone for a few minutes or take a breath outside if they need that instead. Assure them that you are not the person they associated the trigger with and that you will not repeat whatever prompted the trigger.

Then there are those triggers that cause a panic attack or severe anxiety. Perhaps your partner is a veteran and someone cracks a whip near your scene which they hear as gunfire. (Yes a person can also be triggered by things happening around them – not only their partner directly.) Maybe you put your hand to their throat which takes them back to being raped and their assailant threatened to choke them to death. Severe trauma triggers can be extremely scary – for all involved, including people surrounding your scene. The person triggered may go into an emotional outburst – crying, screaming, and/or fighting. They may start to hyperventilate or do things that can cause bodily harm to themselves or those close by. DON’T leave them alone – but do call out for someone nearby to get a DM. Many DMs will have some medical training or can at least help you to make sure people don’t get hurt – including your partner. Once they are settled enough and know where they are (sometimes they will be mentally back in that battlefield or fighting for their life and forget where they are and that they are safe) make sure they have water and maybe some food. Assess as best you can what they need. Make eye contact and assure them of who you are and that they are safe. They may need to walk outside for fresh air – go with them. If they need alone time – still make sure you can keep an eye on them. Your first priority is making sure they are safe and can get back to center emotionally and psychologically. They may or may not be ready to talk about it. You may also need to help them though the secondary embarrassment of what they’ve just displayed in a public setting. Obviously if you are doing private play this doesn’t apply. Eventually talk about it – it may be a couple days. Check in with them every day – more than once. If they have a therapist they may need to make an appointment. If they don’t have one they may want to find one. Some triggers are severe enough that they need a professional. This doesn’t mean you stop being there as a friend/play partner/lover/life partner, etc. Be a safe place for them.

I hope you never need this information, or at least not often. What we do involves risk – even the “safest” play can trigger some deep wounds. If you were the one that triggered the other person don’t blame yourself. You didn’t know you were stepping on a landmine. Take care of yourself as well. Have a trusted friend or mentor that you can debrief with too.

Triggers happen. Do your best to take care of each other and remember that the trigger is not representative of the scene or the relationship.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

The Doctor is In: Medical Play

By 2 Comments

When writing for an audience that spans beginners to advanced and from weekend warriors to 24/7, it is often hard to find an area that will interest most of our kinky readers. Medical play appears to fit the bill.

Of all the BDSM scenarios I have written about, medical play is the one of a few – such as wax play — where “no experience is necessary.” Except for the more edgy medical scenes, this is one BDSM activity where you can, in the words of Nike, “just do it.”

The beauty of a medical scene is that it is nearly impossible to ruin the D/s structure that is inherent in it. In real life, when the doctor tells the patient to do something, the patient does as told — within proscribed legal and ethical restraints. The doctor is, by definition, the Top; the patient is the bottom. Similarly, in medical play, the “doctor” (or “nurse,” if that is your scene) is the Dominant and the “patient” is the submissive. Other than negotiating limits to be observed during the scene, the D/s structure is automatic. Set it and forget it!

Another wonderful aspect of a medical scene is that elaborate equipment is not necessary to create an awesome medical play space. An ordinary table with a white sheet on it makes as good an examination table as I have seen in some real doctors’ offices! Get a desk (at a yard sale!) and put some 99Cents Store “doctor stuff” on it — cotton balls, bandages, latex examination gloves, Vaseline, alcohol, betadine wash, swabs, etc, — and you have a “doctor’s office” right in your own home. Since medical play is role play, don’t skip the small details. A medical smock with a nametag – or the nurse’s uniform – gives the scene an air of authenticity that many other roleplays lack. Hang a stethoscope around your neck and the doctor is in! (I have no idea what those circular mirrors on a headband are for, but if you are a stickler for details, go for it.) I have heard of a Dom who recorded hospital noises (“Bing, bing…calling Dr. Marx”) on his smartphone and plays them during his medical play sessions. This might seem a bit extreme – but I bet their medical sessions rock!

The range of medical scenes appears limitless. Just a simple “examination” has almost infinite variations and possibilities. Personally, I love giving the breast exam. And what caring doctor wouldn’t also give a vaginal exam to go with it? Or a penis exam with a male sub. But why stop there? A cervical exam with a speculum should be part of any doctor’s exam. But there are other cavities that might need checking. Some doctors and nurses are insistent that there be a full anal prostate probe or a scrotal check-up. And no doctor would forget to take the patient’s temperature rectally. Of course, these reality-based examinations can be expanded into fantasyland. . Other than negotiated limits, you can take this play anywhere your imagination leads you. Alien abduction and examination — including the legendary extraterrestrial anal probe? No problem. Want to play the “mad doctor?” Get your Doctor Doom mask and torture away. There can be prison doctor scenes. A nurse administering an enema, a doctor full-body wrapping a “badly wounded” patient or a nurse taping up an “injured penis” are more scenes that come to mind. And within each scene, you can select a wide variety of BDSM and sex toys to use.

There are terrific medical toys available. The Wartenburg pinwheel (used to test nerve reaction) is a particular favorite of mine. Used on the nipples, the pinwheel can be deemed a modern medical play marvel. And don’t forget the old reflex hammer. The “cupping” machine is great for “suction pulling” nipples and labia. Once a late nineteenth century medical treatment for just about anything, cupping is now almost exclusively used in BDSM play. Funny how they were so ahead of their time! Of course, don’t forget the speculum, the sin qua non of medical BDSM toys. And clamps!

Although beginners can do most of the scenes I have discussed, medical play also encompasses edge play as well. Needle play is often done in the context of a medical scene. What better place to do needle play than in a “doctor’s office”? After all, it is clean and well stocked with antibacterial scrubs and washes. Note: needle play is a very advanced edge play and should not be attempted by a novice.

I think we can all agree that medical play offers a very wide palette of D/s based scenes, some with a very shallow learning curve. In fact, other than the fact that you can’t get paid to be a BDSM “doctor,” it sure is a hell of a lot more fun than being a real one. Or a real patient for that matter!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.