Will Hunt

Something Is Going to Go Wrong With Your Scene

March 31, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

Perhaps you will have noticed that the title of this piece does not contain the word “if”. In kink it is rare that something won’t go wrong at some point, and given enough time something certainly will. This can be relatively minor, a flogger swing that goes too high, all the way to scaring someone with a poorly judged whip strike. Today I writing all about when it does go wrong and how to minimize the damage, however this article is NOT about consent violation, that is a very serious topic and it deserves a considered article entirely of its own.

Everyone involved in a scene has a responsibility to be as aware as possible of what they are agreeing to. We, as a top, also have an added responsibility to be confident that everyone involved fully understands the risks involved. There is a disproportionate level of responsibility that we as tops take on being the active participant of a scene. We should also accept that it is an unfortunate reality of kink that at times things will not go as planned. It is entirely possible for two people to do everything with the right intentions and for something to still go wrong.

Put them on the rack

There is a consent shorthand we use on the scene, R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Let us break that down a little.

First is Risk; we need to be honest with ourselves and our partners that there is a risk involved in what we do. If I am going to tie with a rope model who has 10 years of experience and I have tied with before I shall be quite confident when she tells me that she knows all the risks involved. However, if I am tying with a new model who has only done rope a couple of times and never done a suspension before it is my responsibility to satisfy myself that she really does understand the risks involved in what we are planning to do. My risk also goes up when I am tying with a new person, am I willing to take on the added responsibility of an inexperienced partner? I need to satisfy myself that they understand the risks.

This leads very naturally into the second part Aware, does everyone involved appreciate what is planned and what could go wrong? Do we all know what could go wrong and do we all still want to go ahead? Before you go ahead with a scene you need to be confident in what you are about to do. If this is the first time you are doing something your partner deserves to know that, and in return if it is the first time they have ever done something then you deserve to know.

Consensual, this is a term that is hopefully ubiquitous on your local scene. However, it cannot exist in a vacuum. An individual cannot properly consent if they are not informed. Knowing the risks and then communicating those risk has to happen before consent can be properly given. Satisfy yourself that everyone involved is consenting, and everyone agrees on what they are consenting to. Remember that consent does go both ways. If a partner has an issue that they are aware of, an injury perhaps, and they don’t inform me then I cannot give informed consent. If I have a scene with someone who withholds information in the negotiation and consent phase then my consent is violated. I consent to tie with someone with no injuries, but if they have lied about that then it is the same as if I had offered to suspend someone without telling someone I have never done that before, or that I has a sprained wrist.

Finally we have Kink, hopefully this part doesn’t need explaining too much, it is the reason you are reading this article. Kink is about taking risks, the thrill of the extreme, the new, the exciting. Our kinks are important and we should take them seriously so we can enjoy them fully, but we have to be careful not to let them come first.

I have a cunning plan

There is a reason most rope riggers have safety shears on us. It isn’t because we intend to end every tie by cutting our model out of the rope. We have shears for when something does go wrong. It is not a sign of a lack of confidence or a indictment of someone’s skill because they have something to hand in case they cannot get their model out quickly enough.

A rigger who has never had an accident doesn’t impress me, one who knows exactly how to manage it and shows care for their model does. Accidents can happen, regardless of how prepared we are, how hard we try to make sure they don’t. We cannot eliminate all risk, and prepare for all situations, but we should try.

There is a danger in complacency, and it is a risk more often born by the bottom than the top. Even if you start with all the best intentions and planning yet you fall into the trap of thinking that because something bad hasn’t happened it never will you are becoming more and more dangerous. Your partner has not consented to your complacency.

Health and safety madness

A few friends of mine were planning a kidnapping scene for one of their partners. Having never done this before they asked me to step in as a sort of kink consultant. They recognized that is was a complicated scene with a number of risk factors.

The first thing I did with them was to sit down and go through their plan from the least kinky perspective possible. Does she need any medication? What is her schedule like? How are we transporting her? It became a discussion about logistics, not about kinky fantasies.

Kink is often about fantasy fulfillment, responsible kink is about planning before things get kinky.

There is no shame in asking for advice, acknowledging what we don’t know and trying to place safeguards. It is rather the sign of someone who takes their responsibilities seriously.

What happens next

So lets say it has finally happened, despite all the planning something has gone wrong. Your partner has had to safeword, or perhaps you stopped a scene after a swing went wide, or any number of things have gone wrong.

There are a number of articles on this site which will help you plan the practical parts of how to care for your partner, and I encourage you to seek them out. While these practical elements are very important another essential part is the mental process. How you need to think when you are caring for your partner after something has gone wrong.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Learning From, And For, Our Bottoms

March 24, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

I’ll have what she’s having

I like to order for my girl when we are out for dinner. This is not a new part of our dynamic, but it is one I am still developing. I started by recording her allergies and basic dislikes. That was enough to make sure I was not going to poison her or try to feed her something she would flatly refuse to eat, but it wouldn’t let me do much more than that. It wasn’t enough, I didn’t want to just know what not to feed her, I wanted to be able to confidently make a choice that she would enjoy.

My objective was two fold; to continue taking more control in our relationship by expanding the breadth of our D/s, and to make her feel like I knew everything about her. I want her to know that I can pick the one item she would have chosen from an entire menu without checking with her. I want her to feel that I know her that well, that intimately.

So how do I achieve this, it is simple really; I ask! Whenever we eat a new cuisine I let her order, I may even ask her to point out what she does and doesn’t like on the menu. The second and third time I will order, but still I will look to her for affirmation, encouraging her to explain any issue to me. This lets me learn each and every time until I can stop looking to her for confirmation, and she knows she only needs to tell me if their is a problem with what I have selected.

Now this is a very mild example, but it does matter. If I cannot trust myself to learn something simple, then what about when it comes to knowing her more extreme limits or desires?

With great power comes great responsibility

It takes a while to learn you bottoms dinner preferences, and even more to read their mind. The more control you want to have in your relationship the harder you have to work at it. Each from of control carries with it a range of responsibilities and new sets of information to learn. The information we have and our gentle escalation is a buffer against major mistakes.

It is arrogant in the extreme to think that you know everything, and you are dooming yourself from the start if you assume that your partner will fit into a preconceived box. Just because something has worked with ever other sub you have played with it does not mean it will this time. It behooves us to open ourselves to the possibility that what has worked before shall not work this time. If we stop learning then we consigning ourselves to eventual, complacent failure. This applies to so many aspects of being a good top. Always be learning, always be practicing.

While I hope none of us would contemplate using medical staples without having learnt how to use them, in the same way why would we try to take control of our partners clothing without learning the nuances of what that means? Their work dress code, what outfit is too hot for summer, too cold for winter, etc..?

It can be easier to identify and develop these skills which we class as hard skills; using sharps, cracking a whip, swinging a flogger, but there are soft skills which are essential in the mental aspects of kink. We risk getting to caught up in the acts of kink, and forget the thinking of kink.

There are numerous events where you can pick up hard skills from some excellent teachers, but when it comes to the specific soft skills of your partner then they are our best teacher, even if they don’t know it, and as their unknown students we must be twice as attentive. What we can be taught are the questions we need to ask, but only our partner can give us the answers we need.

Mistakes makes us, they don’t break us

Good tops don’t just burst forth fully formed and all knowing. I have learnt huge amounts from those incredibly supportive bottoms that I have messed up the most with. Mistakes will happen, we can regret that fact, but should never ignore it, nor think ourselves immune from them. We should be upfront, and always willing to apologize for mistakes.

I believe that a real apology leaves us with a burden to do everything within our power to make sure the same mistake is never repeated. If we only say sorry and don’t follow through with actual improvement then it is a feeble apology.

It is okay to make a mistake, it is not okay to constantly repeat the same mistakes. If we go back to the example of my ordering for my girl at a restaurant for a moment. If I make a mistake and order something she really hates she will tell me, that is okay. If I order it for the second time, or even a third time it is clear I am not paying attention, I am not learning. A sorry does not always make everything better, actively working to make things better can.

Be kind to yourself though. As a top we can sometimes place too much of a burden on ourselves to be perfect. We should never pretend we are perfect, not to ourselves and not to our partners. Everyone involved in a scene should know that we are all humans, and that there is a risk involved in playing. Take responsibility where it is due, but do not become crippled by indecision, keep learning, keep moving forward.

Step by step

Each escalation in our transfer of power has to be built on a solid foundation. The importance of knowing her better than she knows herself really matters when I am asking her to strip naked while blindfolded in a club. That is when the months and years of built up trust pays off.

In every relationship there is a period of time in which we are learning each other. All the normal things of relationship, which side of the bed they sleep on, how they take their tea, and then there are the kink things, do they switch, do they prefer rope or leather, etc…

Each new aspect of D/s should be approached as a new relationship, with all the excitement, and trepidation that entails. You don’t learn everything about a relationship on the first day, and you won’t get everything right on the first try, but remember; as long as you are learning you are not failing.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Drop and Aftercare

February 3, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

The situation I want to discuss is often referred to as sub-drop. It can be very unsettling to have had a really good scene with someone, have a lovely chat with them afterwards, give each other a hug, only to find out that the next day they are feeling really low. Having had a lovely night, they are now feeling sad, even upset, often without being able to put their finger on exactly why.

I want to explore how we can prepare for, and best support our play-partners when this happening. However, better than a cure is prevention so first we shall look at good aftercare practices which can help mitigate the risk of sub-drop occurring at all.

Our responsibility extends beyond just the actions of play. If we think of our scene as taking our partner on a journey then it is also our responsibility to bring them all the way back.

Aftercare can take a few forms, broken down here into a number of steps. Be aware though that individuals may have different things they really like, or really hate, as such I would suggest that aftercare feature in your pre-scene negotiation. Better to talk it through than just try and wing it. There are people I do not play with because I know the aftercare they will need is not aftercare I can provide. So while some aftercare activities are unique there are some rather common activities which are certainly worth knowing.

Safe space

Once a scene is over the first step is often making sure the bottom knows the scene is over. It is hard to help anyone start to relax if they don’t know that the scene has ended. Some play has a very clear end point, some does not. There is no harm in letting our partner know a scene is over, and often highlighting that they have done really well. No one can start to relax if they are waiting for the next strike of a flogger. As you are unstrapping them from the cross or taking off a blindfold just whisper to them that they have done well, that they are safe now, you are satisfied with them, whatever phrase will properly communicate that they are entering a safe space where you will take care of them.

Don’t underestimate the power of a blanket

After a scene it is not uncommon for the bottom to feel cold, even to the point of physically shaking. A large blanket can be an incredibly welcome sight after a long scene. If the bottom likes physical contact then a blanket and a hug, and if they don’t want physical contact then snuggling in a blanket alone is still enough to warm them up. This is where negotiating aftercare in advance can be so valuable, you never want to unknowingly make them feel uncomfortable while trying to offer care.

Keep them sweet

Now they are warm and feel safe the next step is often getting some sugar into them. If you already know their preference then some sweets or chocolate in your kit bag is often a good idea, also a sugary drink (not diet) is a quick and easy way to perk them up again. Make sure you know about any food issues before trying to feed them anything, at the time they might well not be in a fit state to express any dietary requirements or allergies.

Time is relative

All of this it can just be a matter of time. Some people bounce right back and will be full of energy afterwards. Others might need taking home and a good nights sleep. Most will fall somewhere in the middle. Let them direct the timing, check in on them, ask them if they need anything, then just let them relax as long as they need to.

Take it to the extreme

More extreme play, especially those which involve piercing of the skin or severe bruising, may involve a physical recovery time. You should know what will help with this recovery, how to keep a wound clean, or a bruise heal, and communicate this information, even to the point of making sure that instructions are being followed over time.

Drop the beat

Lets now explore what sub-drop is. I have seen it happen after intense physical play scenes, as well as after purely psychological scenes. There is no simple A causes B scenario when it comes to sub-drop. Some people always drop, some people think they never do. It isn’t their responsibility to not drop or to always know when they will, it is our responsibility to prepare.

Our first step should always be maintaining contact and to highlight that we are contactable. If we don’t have clear lines of communication then we cannot gauge how our partner is doing. It is often the case that those we play with have lives to go back to, Saturday and Sunday might be all about play, kink and fun, but Monday is back to work. Following up on people we play with should become habit.

Sub drop has often been described to me as falling back into the real world from the endorphin high of kink. For some people the escape from responsibility is their chance to have a release from the stress of ordinary life. It can be hard going back to the complexities of the real world from the simplicity of just being able to obey and have someone else make the choices. That, unfortunately, we cannot change.

The reality of sub-drop is there is often not much we can practically do, especially if we can only offer support at a distance, in the case of a casual play partner perhaps. Sometimes all we can do is reach out, and if our play partner is feeling down we can only reassure them that it is okay and it will pass. Talking is the best cure here, and you should keep it in ready supply for them.

Top drop

Having spoken about how to care for bottoms who drop it might be tempting to think tops are immune, but we most certainly are not. The post play drop can happen to us to. I have had days after a big weekend scene when I felt really low, and I didn’t know what was happening. I tried to look around and find something to hang those feelings on, to work out why I felt low. Something must have gone wrong, the scene must have been bad, I wasn’t very good at what I did, etc…

We need to take care of ourselves and learn how we work. Know what your drop is, and how to manage it. Ignoring it, trying to just push through it, doesn’t actually help. No one is awarding dom points for being a big, tough sadist who doesn’t need a hug. So be honest when you feel you need comfort, tell a friend when you are feeling down, remember that on Monday you are also having to adjust back to the real world.

Stay Connected

For some of us kink is the only time we can let extremely important parts of our personality out. Maybe only once every few months do we get to really let ourselves go. Top or bottom, it doesn’t matter, it is about being free and wholly ourselves in a way we normally cannot, regardless of the end of the whip we are on.

Consider all the effort that goes into holding that kinky part in, the tense coil that is the naughty, socially unacceptable part of our personality. The bit that likes to feel helpless, or make people cry, the aching desire to be ground underfoot, or spit on someone’s face. That tension has to be released at times, but then we have to coil it back up. While most of that has to be done by ourselves it can really help to know you are not alone.

Reach out to the partner you played with, see how they are doing, let them know they are good, that you had fun and that you are there for them. Whatever naughty things we are doing with each other we should always care; before, during and after.

About the Author

Sorry Should Be The Hardest Word To Say

January 6, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

Model: Domina Mara

Taken by: Domina Mara

Disclaimer: This but one person’s opinion/perspective in the community. What this writer is describing still falls within SSC (safe, sane, consensual). He is not describing anything non-consensual. Before the practices he is describing take affect the submissive must consent to said terms and protocols. Please note this when reading this article.

I often write about words, single words. I enjoy burrowing down into their meanings, how and why we use them, what effect they have on people. Words have a power and a depth we often miss in day to day. We may be primed to explore them at a poetry reading, or when listening to a song, but we often forget their depth in casual conversation.

For this article I have chosen a word I have long felt was underestimated, the humble Sorry. We hear it in so many situations; Sorry, I didn’t mean to, sorry, I forgot, sorry, that was a mistake…

Sorry can be an immensely powerful word, and as many of us have kinks which veer so strongly towards the consensual inequality of power in a relationship we need to pay very close attention to those words I refer to as power words. I define power words as those words and phrases which carry with them a limited number of social acceptable responses. Sorry is a word that triggers a limited range of acceptable responses; ideally of acceptance and then either direct forgiveness, or consequence then forgiveness.

However, if it is used callously, sorry can be abused and lose its meaning entirely. It is our responsibility as tops in D/s dynamics to safeguard the importance of the word.

Make it mean something

Ideally in a D/s dynamic the person who is sorry takes a submissive position, expressing their weakness or failure and requesting that it be forgiven. If the expression of sorry is said with an assumption of forgiveness then the person saying it is using it rather as a method of absolving themselves from the repercussions of their action, rather than placing themselves genuinely in the position of submission.

We, as the top, are responsible for continuing to give the word sorry meaning. Our response to the use of sorry is what gives it value.

As a top it can be very hard when they say sorry, and you know they really mean it, to not respond with instant forgiveness. The big, tearful eyes that tell you they really are sorry, that they never wanted to fail. Even harder than not immediately forgiving them is not even letting them say sorry, but that is exactly what I am advocating. I am going to suggest that you do something emotionally very difficult here, and please do remember I am only sharing my philosophy, it may not work exactly this way for all of you.

With that said here is my advice:

Do not even let them say sorry until you say that they can. Even more than that, punish them if they say sorry without permission.

Say it when I say you can

It can be the hardest thing to not let them say sorry, to delay that apology and the forgiveness that shall follow. However you have to, if this is the path you have chosen to take you have to be strong in it. You have to be the unwavering figure of authority, in you the stability and safety of the rule governed relationship resides. So tell them you know they are sorry, that you will let them say sorry, but not yet. The rules you have set, and the security those rules provide, are more important.

By controlling the access to apology and forgiveness we also emphasis the dreaded power of failure. Failing so badly that they will need to say sorry is its own punishment, there is no easy solution to their failing. Not only is forgiveness yours to give, but even the right to apologize is controlled by you.

I break an apology down into a number of steps. First, sit with them and have them explain to you why they want permission to say sorry? What is it they wish to be forgiven for? Have them tell you what they have done, and why it is wrong. Make them understand that if they wish to say sorry it shall only be after the punishment, in whatever form it takes.

It should be clearly understood that the permission to apologize will only be granted after the punishment, they don’t even have the right to say sorry until you have punished them for their mistake. Then they can say sorry and have the catharsis of forgiveness directly.

We grant the right to use such a powerful word, we control their ability to express their sorrow

and allow it only at our direction. We are choosing what happens when our partner wants to apologize, how they will be allowed to do and if they will be allowed to. Even when all of that is done there is another step, we need to think about how we punish them.

Make sure the punishment doesn’t fit the crime

In ordinary life sorry might be accepted in one case without greater consideration, and in the second not. Spilling coffee on a stranger might mean nothing, or might result in a shouting match. This makes sorry an inconstant word, who’s weight is unknown when uttered. We can provide it with a constancy by taking control of the use of the word and its consequences. There is a comfort in knowing where you stand and what consequences there shall be. So if rather than sorry being something they can just say with unknown consequences, change it and give it a constancy of meaning, or consequence. We can do this by letting them know there will always be a punishment.

We live in a society with a concept of proportional response. Any consequence should be proportional to the act. We are taught that failings, crimes, mistakes are ranked on some sort of cosmic scale of moral righteousness. As such all punishments should fit the crime, they should be proportional.

The risk to making the punishment fit the crime is that we allow our partners to, consciously or unconsciously, to run risk/benefit analysis. Is a certain action worth the 10 strikes of a cane? It provides an unconscious ranking of rules, not sitting on a sofa is less important than not making permanent physical changes without permission. Because one results in a talking to and the other in 500 lashes. Of course one seems more important than the other, perhaps the first even seems trivial in comparison.

I prefer for it to be understood that if they have done something bad enough that they need to say sorry it will be a straight 100 lashes. It doesn’t matter how great or small the transgression, the simple act of having done something which actually requires an apology is enough. There are no small failings when it comes to my rules, because there are no small rules. In this situation the rules cannot be ranked, a risk benefit analysis cannot be done, because any rule that is broken will result in the same punishment.

Other punishments may be laid on top of that as well if required, however, in my experience, if it is something they are truly sorry for then the act of having to sit, explain themselves, and beg to be allowed to say sorry is enough to reduce them to tears as it is.

The catharsis of forgiveness follows the punishment, and they don’t get the punishment unless they are going to be immediately forgiven. In this way the punishment is something to look forward, as they know that they won’t be punish if you are unwilling to let them say sorry and forgive them immediately afterwards.

Learn what it actually means

As always there is a second layer to kink, if we want there to be. In my D/s dynamic this training extends to teaching my partner what is actually their responsibility. I have seen far too many people who apologize for things that are not their fault. It is a deeply unfortunate truth that too many people have been taught to take responsibility for things that are not actually their fault, sorry my friend was drunk, sorry that someone else did a thing…

When our partners are no longer just allowed to say sorry but rather have to explain why they want permission to say sorry they are forced to think. This means they have to consider why they feel the need to say sorry for things that may well not be their fault.

My partner has had to learn that she cannot apologize for things that are not her fault. If she says sorry without permission she has broken a rule and it is a straight 100 lashes. If she wants to say sorry she has to ask permission to say sorry, which I will challenge. If she has asked to say sorry for something that isn’t her fault I will lead her through the situation and help her to understand that it isn’t her fault before finally telling her that she cannot say sorry to me.

Say it like you mean it

In my experience kink happens in the mind first of all, and the more we play in that domain the hotter and kinkier we can get. Taking control of what their words mean and even when they are allowed to be used can be very rewarding to both parties.

As with many aspects of D/s kink we can choose to restrict it to specific times and places. Use titles only when alone, collars only at kink clubs, but manners of behavior often stretch far beyond just a scene. Taking control of language and superseding social norms with our own structures is far more than a causal scene, and if that is what you want to explore then you need to take your time and plan what you are doing very carefully. If you do take that time, plan your actions, consider the reasons for your rules, you will be rewarded with a rich D/s dynamic where control is enforced more with language than with the crop.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Rules

November 25, 2018 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

Rules, I LOVE rules. Long lists of complicated instructions relating to everything from when they can speak to what furniture they are allowed to sit on, or short simple ones like always wearing their collar when we play. There are so many to choose from, and as with so many things in kink they are only limited by your imagination. When we set rules is it because we actually want them to be followed? Are we setting unachievable goals so that the bottom cannot help but eventually fail? Are the rules designed to eventually become patterns of unthinking behaviour, effectively training the bottom?

So let me start by narrowing the topic, here we are talking about rules that are supposed to be followed, not play rules that are fun to break or challenge. The rules we are discussing are those most often found in long term D/s dynamics.

What these rules end up being, the punishments agreed upon if the are broken, where they are enforced, all of this is just the beginning.

We can often mistake rules as being only about control. A way for the top to exercise their desire and dominance over another person, when physically there or not. However, I believe rules can be far more than that. First we need to decide what the objective of the rules are and where they are enforced. Then we can explore how rules can build trust and bring the top and bottom closer together.

I believe that rules are about trust. Because of that they need to come from a positive place. They need to be rules that genuinely make the top happy, and that improve the bottom in ways you both want, even if that is just in making them a better bottom. When I set a rule it is always with the objective of developing the bottom. Small rules can set the foundation for much greater changes.

Rules can be contextual or temporal, existing perhaps only in the bedroom, or on kinky weekends.

Rules can exist in perpetuity, even if they only are acted upon in a certain environment.

Rules can be omnipresent, forming the foundation for patterns of behaviour which stretch from the bedroom to the workplace and every corner of life.

Whatever rules you settle on they are not just about control, they are also about trust. As a top it is vitally important that you treat the rules with respect. You imbue them with all their power by enforcing them, fail to enforce them and the rules are meaningless.

Consider a bottom who has studiously been following the rules of a long distance relationship, and let us imagine that rule is to send the top a picture of them in their underwear every morning when getting ready for work. For three weeks, without fail, they have sent a picture, posed and considered to their top. Then one morning the alarm doesn’t go off! In the frantic rush that follows the photo is forgotten and it isn’t until the evening that they remember. An apologetic message is sent immediately, explaining the situation and begging forgiveness. Then the Top replies saying that they hadn’t remembered and that it is okay, they understand and it is fine.

What an incredibly underwhelming response!

For three weeks the bottom has been mindful, considerate and obedient. Let us not forget that it can be hard work as well, spending that extra time every day fulfilling the wishes of another person. With one act of nonchalant dismissal the Top has devalued all that hard work. What bottom would want to go though that again?

How much more exciting is it for the bottom to receive a text as they rush to work, a simple threatening question: “Where is my photo?” Adrenalin starts to flow, the delightful panic of knowing that punishment is impending, the fear of failure and the reassurance that the Top is always thinking about the bottom, monitoring them, aware of their actions and failures. We can easily focus on the surface emotions of that moment; fear, a sense of failure, impending doom. However, we shouldn’t forget the greater affirming impact on the relationship. The reminder that the Top is dedicated to the bottoms development, thinking about them, aware of their actions.

Isn’t this a more fulfilling response? I think so.

A rule should be rewarded when followed, and punished when defied.

A reward should be tailored to the bottom. Some only require a simple “Well done!” others need a reward chart with a big reward at the end. But most often the reward is recognition. It should be carefully balance though, not to over reward or under-appreciate. A rule should exist with a certain expectation of obedience and so giving praise for something that hasn’t actually been hard devalues the Top’s praise. However, no praise at all is demotivating.

Learn your bottom, give as much consideration to a “Well done!” as you would a spanking. Plan a big reward with as much care as you would a 6 hour beating scene. The reward part of the rule is just as important as the punishment part, both reinforce the value of the rule.

Punishments give a rule value, the higher the punishment the more important the rule. We should intrinsically know this, it is why murder gets life in prison and jaywalking a fine. But these are detached, we commit the infraction against a ethereal entity, society, but breaking a rule in a D/s dynamic is personal. You are breaking my rule. So here we can choose to punish even the smallest infraction in a most severe manner. We are punishing not just violation of the rule but the rebellion or forgetfulness which caused the rule to be broken.

I should highlight here that when I talk about punishing the infringement of a rule, I do not suggest you be merciless. We live in the real world, things go wrong, people get upset, things are forgotten for good reason. Depending on the circumstances a punishment might well not be appropriate or deserved, but I strongly suggest it is highlighted. Let them know it is not forgotten, but it is forgiven because of the situation. In this way a potentially upsetting situation can become another chance to show care and attention.

Rules are great fun, and if you want they can run deep through the very core of a D/s relationship. If that is what you want then they reward consideration, planning and forethought, but treat them casually and they can turn on you. Rules are not for the lazy Top, because unlike the bottom we don’t have anyone holding a stick over us to make us respect them.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Will Hunt

Taken by: Domina Mara

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