Fantasy vs. Reality-Heavy and Experimental Play

YIPEEEE!!!!! We made it into the room where all the fun stuff begins and there is SO MUCH OF IT!!!!! 

I get it, I was there too once upon a time. The possibilities SEEM endless and for most folks imaginations, they are. Emphasis on imagination. It is fun to think of all the kinky scenes we can design or be a part of. Why not stretch our imagination? I do for sure! 

Imagination, fantasy, is not a problem. It spurs us to be more creative, think of new and exciting ways to turn each other into pretzels, and is just plain HAWT! 

Where the issues begin is not matching our fantasies, with reality. Or more accurately not being able to distinguish between the two. Some people want to implement play that would be highly dangerous even for the most experienced players. I believe this comes mostly from a place of naivete. Where they have not learned enough to even ask the right questions yet……. and/or perhaps a bit of frenzy mixed in. Yes, frenzy happens to tops also. Then there are the nutters like me.

Whatever category you fall into, dreams have their place, but they can also be dangerous if taken too far. How do we distinguish between those fantasies and reality? A cool idea vs. an actionable scene.

• The First Stop Sign

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) has been part of kink culture since the 80’s, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) the 90’s, and more recently Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK…. No not that one…. eyes front). 

Consent, being the commonality in all three.

We may have this amazing idea for a new predicament bondage rig using a wagon wheel and a charged firehose; a suspension involving two bull elephants and an East Indian Mahout; or better yet melting overhead blocks of ice containing daggers that drip icy cold droplets on our slave in between the thunks of many Gerber Mark IIs burying themselves in the plywood beside them one after another as the warm breeze from my heat gun melts it all away. None of that matters if someone is not willing to say yes.

We can dream all we like, but if multiple people are saying no, and even hell no; perhaps our image of using 300-pound sheets of sugar glass to sandwich our submissive over an ant hill may not be such a brilliant idea. (I originally wrote “hot” instead of brilliant, but the hot sun is part of the scene so…. yeah there’s that.)

One last note on consent and heavy/experimental play. If the particular scene is going to happen in a place we do not personally own, we should run it by the owners of the venue first. There is not much worse than the fantasy finally coming to fruition and having a giant pile of, “NOPE!,” dropped on it by a DM or the owners themselves mid-scene. Get their consent and rig your play area accordingly to prevent interruptions.

• The Second Stop Sign

Feasible. Has what we want to attempt been done before and by whom? (I saw Cirque De Soleil do it!)

What skills does it take to pull it off? 

Sure, as evidenced above I can come up with some off-the-wall shenanigans. If I have not developed the associated skills to do it reasonably safely then attempting the feat would be pointless. Like racing the 24 Hours at Le Mans in a Prius. Of course, what is within reason for one person, will not be the same for someone else.

I know most of what we do is not “safe,” really, I do. But having the skills to do what we are conjuring up, matters if we are planning on attempting it. Especially when it comes to preventing bad things from happening, and everybody having a good time.

I am not a fan of seriously damaging people or prison, and hopefully you are not either. So winging it….probably not a good plan. 

• Yet Another Red Octagon bearing, “ALTO!”

Risks involving heavy/experimental play. What are they and can we mitigate them? If something does go badly, we want the negative impact to be as minimal as possible to all involved.

How can we alter our idea or put protective measures in place to lessen risks? Often that comes down to our creativity and getting help. Other folks in kink can help us identify what we need to do in order to create a better outcome. USE THEM! I do. If I come up with some crazy hairbrained scheme one of the first things I do is run it by someone else. They tell me I’m nuts and to go fuck myself….. then we have a lengthy conversation involving a lot of what ifs.

For the risks involved, do I have the skill to respond to the corresponding injuries or issues that may arise? Can I learn them? If not is there someone who can be present who does? We do not always have to be the person who knows and can do everything. However, where we have gaps, it helps to have people present who know the things we do not. 

Once you’ve assessed the risks, and talked them over with your bottom, there needs to be a real gut check for all involved. Ask the question, “Is it worth the risk?” If both of you say yes, then so be it. If one of you hesitates or says no….. it’s probably time to go back to the drawing board. (I find crayons helpful…. the colors keep things organized. And besides, who doesn’t like crayons?)

• The Consequences

After all the planning, risk mitigation, negotiations, and discussions we must come to terms with the potential consequences. What are they and can we live with them if it does not go as planned?

Not always an easy question to answer but really, this part is no more complicated than that. 

Answer the question honestly. It does no good to lie to ourselves.

• Ways to Help Make our Outrageous Fantasies….Kinda Sorta Come True

Get Help – Aside from having the skill, a willing and knowledgeable bottom, and measures in place, one of the best resources we have for carrying out a new-fangled adventure is another well experienced top or bottom. Someone to help us plan and evaluate; a person who can be in the room/venue who is keeping tabs on our bottom, us, and the situation as a whole; a sounding board to help keep us in check. When we do new things which are risky (well riskier than our normal), we often cannot see the forest because of the trees. Having that additional set of eyes becomes invaluable.

Break it Down- If the whole of the idea does not work together, perhaps pieces and parts can work separately until we are confident enough to launch the whole rocket at once. Even NASA experiments in stages, one piece at a time. Practicing and becoming proficient in one element, then adding another gives us a methodical way to build skill and confidence. It may take a lot longer to get to the final goal, but chances are you will be more successful.

Change it Up- What if I changed my dagger scenario from real ones to fake ones? Or used a blindfold and replaced the ice blocks with daggers my bottom observed being suspended with blocks containing golf ball sized rocks? We may not be able to do something exactly how we dreamt, but we can modify the thought into something more manageable. Let those creative juices out not just thinking of a new torture, but also solving the pending problems accompanying it.

Slight of Hand- Simulation, slight of hand, or any manner of tom foolery can help us get the effect we desire without doing exactly what we concocted whilst counting sheep and drooling on a pillow. We can set a scene one way, put a blind fold on our bottom and remove or modify the most dangerous elements. The fear/anticipation peak will likely still linger, even though we have mitigated some of the actual danger. (pssst….. mobile platforms, turn tables, and rotating walls are great for this….set two scenes one hidden and one not…. Then move your bottom accordingly 😊)

Just Dream- Some things, no matter how much we wish it, simply should not happen. That does not mean it’s gone forever; we can still talk about it. Maybe weave the fantasy into a hot dialogue during another activity to get our bottom all revved up. Tease them with the thought of it in the middle of the day via a text from work. Turn it into a hot erotic story the two of you take turns writing in a journal. Who knows, maybe they will help you game out something just as fun…. But much more doable. 

• To Dream the Impossible Dream

Dreams are not stupid. They are budding possibilities and have driven some of the most amazing advances mankind has ever seen. Sometimes though, they should stay where they were born, in our heads. Like the Hindenburg or Return of the Living Dead Part II. (No, you horror movie freaks….it really was that bad!)

Sometimes we just need to think about our dreams differently, like using Helium instead of Hydrogen. You were flexibly minded enough to come up with the original idea…. Keep thinking, all may not be lost.

Through all of it remember we need to consider consent, feasibility, skill, resources, risks, and the consequences. Really think things through. We want this to be a phenomenal experience which will not happen if one of our elephants walks away for want of a wrangler or we drop a wagon wheel on a bare foot.

Taking a long time to plan something may take the wind out of our sails sometimes. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If it’s that hard to pull off, we probably are not ready for it, yet. Break out the crayons.

Like everything else we do in kink, there is a balance point where things just work. Maybe we’ll find it, maybe we won’t. But for certain we will learn something along the way while scheming out our latest kinky brain bonanza.

Keep dreaming……. Our wild ideas have a place in kink too.