bdsm safety

Using The Safe Word As A Weapon

September 29, 2021 By Dame TylerRose. 2 Comments

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Using the Safe Word as a Weapon

We see it all the time. “sub has the power because safe word!” or “sub has the power because can stop play at any time.”

Okay…I have some questions that stem from the many repetitious discussions on safe words that I see on a daily basis on this site.

WHY is your partner your enemy who must be beaten in all things?
Why is your partner such a foe that he/she must be held at bay every minute by the power of your consent and the threat of…of what, exactly?

If you don’t obey my safe word, then I’m going to…what? What are you going to do? Call the police? Nope, you won’t call the police. They almost never call the police, do they. They don’t file reports. They don’t prosecute.

So what do they do? Drag their partner through the mud of the court of public opinion on whatever social websites you have profiles on.

Which brings me to…

Why are you using the concept of the safe word as a weapon against your own partner?
If your partner is such an enemy and you cannot trust them to communicate when something is amiss, why the fuck are you with that person in the first damn place?

————-
TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written four “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 30 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

BDSM Safety Tips

September 23, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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Ordinarily, I would throw this question into the cylindrical file from whence it came. It – or some version thereof – had been answered many times before on kinkweekly. But with the year off due to Covid, and generally less play spaces to keep you at the top of your game, I thought it prudent to take another stab at a safety question. After all, in this new reality, you can never been too careful. I might add, from personal experience, that when I returned to play I forgot aftercare – something would never have done pre-pandemic. And so, the following question.

Reader: Recently, my online kink group has been discussing what to do if something goes wrong or a pre-condition manifests itself during a scene. This kind of safety concern is beyond the usual. So how can you prepare for every eventuality? (My adding: especially in this corona virus era.)

To start, a disclaimer: “It is impossible to prepare for every eventuality.” If I could do this, I would be working for the President eliminating Covid immediately. But seriously…regarding medical pre-conditions — there isn’t a list specifically geared to BDSM that you could read and sign before you entered a play space. Even if there were, who would want to feel like they were visiting a dentist and filling out the medical questionnaire? (Are you allergic to penicillin?) But I think an over-arching question – “you don’t have a heart condition or asthma?” – might open a productive dialogue between first-time players. Thus one should be aware of any pre-conditions that could be a threat. With Covid lurking around, one should at least take your partner’s temperature prior to play. Being vaccinated – no matter what your views on vaccines – is not enough when it comes to dungeon play with many people around. So buy a ten dollar thermometer and put it in your toy bag. We do not know how flogging – for example – affects the virus; just be vigilant and if you see the bottom breaking out in a cold sweat it is time to stop play and take his/her temperature again.

Now onto safe words. Although “safe words are not the end-all and be-all to safety,” they are definitely better than anything that comes in second. The trick to using safe words effectively (and this seemingly obvious bit of advice might be extremely valuable to you). Although the standard safe word is “red,” many people try to pick out their own personal safe word. The “New Guard” wants style. “Paga”” might be a cool safe word for Goreans, but when panic time sets in and the mind starts spinning, these words might not be at the tip of the tongue. “Red” works for stop signs. “Red” works for scenes. Forget using trendy new safe words. Use “red.”

I also advocate the use of a safe signal. When you use a ball gag in a scene, the bottom –unless he/she is a ventriloquist — cannot give a safe word. So agree on a safe signal based on what type of scene you are doing. A great one is a shaking of the head continuously left to right — like a “no” signal. This is unmistakable, and does not require the hands, which might be bound. Between safe words and safe signals, you have increased safety a hundred fold.

Most BDSM writers always talk about a “safe call.” In this case the old expression – “after all is said and done, more is said than done” — is applicable. Most people never use the safe call procedure. But if used properly, safe calls are really good tools – especially when you play for the first time with someone you hardly know. In this age of the cell phone, it is really easy to have someone waiting for your call to see if all is well – and to arrange for any contingency plans should help be required.

Another safety key is…not playing with unsafe players! Sometimes there are players who have gained a reputation for being unsafe; most times these reputations — if they are widespread and repeated by respected members of the community — have some basis in fact. Stay away. But there are other red flags. When playing for the first time, a big red flag is when the Top says, “I never allow a safe word.” They might rationalize it by saying something like, “I am into TPE and do not believe in safe words.” Well, many in TPE relationships do eschew the safe word. But this only happens after a relationship is established; eliminating the safe word is generally negotiated after playing for awhile. Anyone who says “no safe words” right out of the box really hasn’t got a clue.

As for the scene itself, the oft-repeated advice of planning a scene in advance will add to the safety of it. Some scenes are pretty safe in and of themselves — an interrogation scene, for example. Others — such as mummification or breath play — are much more dangerous. Make sure the skill level of the Dominant (as he/she is in control) matches the danger quotient (D.Q.) of the scene being attempted. And though much of what I outlined here has been discussed before, there is nothing wrong in stating the obvious if it can save you a trip to the hospital. Remember, “Safety isn’t everything, it’s the only thing!”

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Fantasy vs. Reality-Heavy and Experimental Play

September 23, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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YIPEEEE!!!!! We made it into the room where all the fun stuff begins and there is SO MUCH OF IT!!!!!

I get it, I was there too once upon a time. The possibilities SEEM endless and for most folks imaginations, they are. Emphasis on imagination. It is fun to think of all the kinky scenes we can design or be a part of. Why not stretch our imagination? I do for sure!

Imagination, fantasy, is not a problem. It spurs us to be more creative, think of new and exciting ways to turn each other into pretzels, and is just plain HAWT!

Where the issues begin is not matching our fantasies, with reality. Or more accurately not being able to distinguish between the two. Some people want to implement play that would be highly dangerous even for the most experienced players. I believe this comes mostly from a place of naivete. Where they have not learned enough to even ask the right questions yet……. and/or perhaps a bit of frenzy mixed in. Yes, frenzy happens to tops also. Then there are the nutters like me.

Whatever category you fall into, dreams have their place, but they can also be dangerous if taken too far. How do we distinguish between those fantasies and reality? A cool idea vs. an actionable scene.

The First Stop Sign

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) has been part of kink culture since the 80’s, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) the 90’s, and more recently Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK…. No not that one…. eyes front).

Consent, being the commonality in all three.

We may have this amazing idea for a new predicament bondage rig using a wagon wheel and a charged firehose; a suspension involving two bull elephants and an East Indian Mahout; or better yet melting overhead blocks of ice containing daggers that drip icy cold droplets on our slave in between the thunks of many Gerber Mark IIs burying themselves in the plywood beside them one after another as the warm breeze from my heat gun melts it all away. None of that matters if someone is not willing to say yes.

We can dream all we like, but if multiple people are saying no, and even hell no; perhaps our image of using 300-pound sheets of sugar glass to sandwich our submissive over an ant hill may not be such a brilliant idea. (I originally wrote “hot” instead of brilliant, but the hot sun is part of the scene so…. yeah there’s that.)

One last note on consent and heavy/experimental play. If the particular scene is going to happen in a place we do not personally own, we should run it by the owners of the venue first. There is not much worse than the fantasy finally coming to fruition and having a giant pile of, “NOPE!,” dropped on it by a DM or the owners themselves mid-scene. Get their consent and rig your play area accordingly to prevent interruptions.

The Second Stop Sign

Feasible. Has what we want to attempt been done before and by whom? (I saw Cirque De Soleil do it!)

What skills does it take to pull it off?

Sure, as evidenced above I can come up with some off-the-wall shenanigans. If I have not developed the associated skills to do it reasonably safely then attempting the feat would be pointless. Like racing the 24 Hours at Le Mans in a Prius. Of course, what is within reason for one person, will not be the same for someone else.

I know most of what we do is not “safe,” really, I do. But having the skills to do what we are conjuring up, matters if we are planning on attempting it. Especially when it comes to preventing bad things from happening, and everybody having a good time.

I am not a fan of seriously damaging people or prison, and hopefully you are not either. So winging it….probably not a good plan.

Yet Another Red Octagon bearing, “ALTO!”

Risks involving heavy/experimental play. What are they and can we mitigate them? If something does go badly, we want the negative impact to be as minimal as possible to all involved.

How can we alter our idea or put protective measures in place to lessen risks? Often that comes down to our creativity and getting help. Other folks in kink can help us identify what we need to do in order to create a better outcome. USE THEM! I do. If I come up with some crazy hairbrained scheme one of the first things I do is run it by someone else. They tell me I’m nuts and to go fuck myself….. then we have a lengthy conversation involving a lot of what ifs.

For the risks involved, do I have the skill to respond to the corresponding injuries or issues that may arise? Can I learn them? If not is there someone who can be present who does? We do not always have to be the person who knows and can do everything. However, where we have gaps, it helps to have people present who know the things we do not.

Once you’ve assessed the risks, and talked them over with your bottom, there needs to be a real gut check for all involved. Ask the question, “Is it worth the risk?” If both of you say yes, then so be it. If one of you hesitates or says no….. it’s probably time to go back to the drawing board. (I find crayons helpful…. the colors keep things organized. And besides, who doesn’t like crayons?)

The Consequences

After all the planning, risk mitigation, negotiations, and discussions we must come to terms with the potential consequences. What are they and can we live with them if it does not go as planned?

Not always an easy question to answer but really, this part is no more complicated than that.

Answer the question honestly. It does no good to lie to ourselves.

Ways to Help Make our Outrageous Fantasies….Kinda Sorta Come True

Get Help – Aside from having the skill, a willing and knowledgeable bottom, and measures in place, one of the best resources we have for carrying out a new-fangled adventure is another well experienced top or bottom. Someone to help us plan and evaluate; a person who can be in the room/venue who is keeping tabs on our bottom, us, and the situation as a whole; a sounding board to help keep us in check. When we do new things which are risky (well riskier than our normal), we often cannot see the forest because of the trees. Having that additional set of eyes becomes invaluable.

Break it Down- If the whole of the idea does not work together, perhaps pieces and parts can work separately until we are confident enough to launch the whole rocket at once. Even NASA experiments in stages, one piece at a time. Practicing and becoming proficient in one element, then adding another gives us a methodical way to build skill and confidence. It may take a lot longer to get to the final goal, but chances are you will be more successful.

Change it Up- What if I changed my dagger scenario from real ones to fake ones? Or used a blindfold and replaced the ice blocks with daggers my bottom observed being suspended with blocks containing golf ball sized rocks? We may not be able to do something exactly how we dreamt, but we can modify the thought into something more manageable. Let those creative juices out not just thinking of a new torture, but also solving the pending problems accompanying it.

Slight of Hand- Simulation, slight of hand, or any manner of tom foolery can help us get the effect we desire without doing exactly what we concocted whilst counting sheep and drooling on a pillow. We can set a scene one way, put a blind fold on our bottom and remove or modify the most dangerous elements. The fear/anticipation peak will likely still linger, even though we have mitigated some of the actual danger. (pssst….. mobile platforms, turn tables, and rotating walls are great for this….set two scenes one hidden and one not…. Then move your bottom accordingly 😊)

Just Dream- Some things, no matter how much we wish it, simply should not happen. That does not mean it’s gone forever; we can still talk about it. Maybe weave the fantasy into a hot dialogue during another activity to get our bottom all revved up. Tease them with the thought of it in the middle of the day via a text from work. Turn it into a hot erotic story the two of you take turns writing in a journal. Who knows, maybe they will help you game out something just as fun…. But much more doable.

To Dream the Impossible Dream

Dreams are not stupid. They are budding possibilities and have driven some of the most amazing advances mankind has ever seen. Sometimes though, they should stay where they were born, in our heads. Like the Hindenburg or Return of the Living Dead Part II. (No, you horror movie freaks….it really was that bad!)

Sometimes we just need to think about our dreams differently, like using Helium instead of Hydrogen. You were flexibly minded enough to come up with the original idea…. Keep thinking, all may not be lost.

Through all of it remember we need to consider consent, feasibility, skill, resources, risks, and the consequences. Really think things through. We want this to be a phenomenal experience which will not happen if one of our elephants walks away for want of a wrangler or we drop a wagon wheel on a bare foot.

Taking a long time to plan something may take the wind out of our sails sometimes. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If it’s that hard to pull off, we probably are not ready for it, yet. Break out the crayons.

Like everything else we do in kink, there is a balance point where things just work. Maybe we’ll find it, maybe we won’t. But for certain we will learn something along the way while scheming out our latest kinky brain bonanza.

Keep dreaming……. Our wild ideas have a place in kink too.

The Case Of Trevor Bauer

September 9, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

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In our world, a lot can go wrong if we are not very careful. Trevor Bauer, professional baseball player, is currently finding this out. Pending the outcome of a restraining order hearing in LA Superior Court and potential criminal charges, the outlook does not get much worse. All over a series of potential kink encounters gone wrong.

Before I go any further, this is not about his potential innocence or guilt. Or the voracity of the claims of his accuser. It is looking at the overall circumstances which potentially led to this point from the lens of kink. I was not there and do not know all the facts. Likely the real truth will never see the light of day. Bystanders like us are left to speculate what may have happened. Which I am not doing either.

What this article will examine some of the potential failure points as IF this was a kink encounter gone bad and what might have been done to prevent things going as they did.

Just the Facts Ma’am

There is no one news story, article, or piece of court document which gives us a very good picture of what transpired. But after reading over fifty differing accounts of the court testimony and other sources a pattern begins to emerge where their stories match up. These are what I am hanging my hat on.

There were only two encounters between the two of them both at Bauer’s residence.
The two of them texted extensively and that during these exchanges “rough sex” was discussed at length to which they both indicated they were into.
At some point in time a discussion on limits was had. Unknown what time or by what means the discussion took place. During these discussions his accuser did indicate some activities she was not comfortable with. We do not know what those are.
The first encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, fingers being shoved down her throat, impact by hand without bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The latter possibly by force while she was unconscious.
That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
In between encounters she stated via text that she had never been more turned on than after their first encounter. This included her admission she liked “rough sex” and his statement that she probably did not like it as rough as he did. To which she replied, “Bring on the pain.”
They agreed to meet a second time.
The second encounter included rough sex as well as choking to the point of unconsciousness, impact by hand which included bruising, and vaginal and anal sex. The later possibly forced during the period of unconsciousness.
That when she regained consciousness, she asked him to stop, and he did.
That she incurred significant bruising as a result of the second encounter. She also experienced petechial hemorrhaging around the eyes and darkened gums potentially as a result of being choked.
That they communicated via text after the second encounter during which she relayed images of the marks, bruising and hemorrhaging and he relayed his concern and offered support.
That a day or so after the second encounter she sought medical assistance at an emergency room. During which the ER nurse administered a SART Examination (evidentiary examination for sexual assault) and notified law enforcement.
Law enforcement did interview her. Law enforcement has not filed since charges or made an arrest on Bauer.
Approximately a month later she filed for a protection order through the LA Superior Courts, Civil Division.

These lead me to believe they were engaged in kink; that they were both probably not very experienced; and the level of play did not match to the level of relationship or trust.

If so, where did it all go wrong and what are the failure points? What could they have done differently?

In the Beginning Consent – Potential Criminal Liability (leaving the protective order issue aside)

Like most kink cases we have seen in the past Bauer is trying to argue these were consensual encounters and very possibly, given what we know, they were. But that does not matter one bit. As I have written in the past, consent as a legal defense regarding kink is a very iffy bet at best. Both regional and federal courts have ruled against consent as a defense in kink consistently.

Why?

Because it does not matter if the person receiving gave their consent as they cannot legally consent to a criminal act. In this case significant physical injury and forced penetration while unconscious. California has a specific law on the latter.

Even Before Consent to the Act

What happened to not playing hard with people we barely know? Especially not Edge Play like choking. This more than anything else leads me to believe they are inexperienced players.

What is on display here is a wanton disregard or being completely naïve of practices we know help protect us from both severe physical harm and legal issues. I can see some lower-level negotiation before very light play and have no problem with it. Yet here, they went all in without any known trust bond or relationship.

That is not only reckless from a legal standpoint, but from a personal safety standpoint also.

What we do in kink is risky, so risk seeking is hard coded in the DNA for many of us. Yet this drive to find the next physical and emotional high through play needs to be tempered with some restraint and good judgement. More often than not, we see newer players lacking in these areas, because they are new, lacking that experience, and get caught up in a current sweeping them along.

We need to take a significant amount of time to vet and get to know a person fairly well if we are going to play heavy. There is not any substitute for it and the potential consequences of ignoring this step are national headlines today.

The Marks of Passion

Whether we like it or not, they are evidence of a potential battery. As kinky people we do not view them this way, but the law does. Any time we leave a mark on someone, we have to be at peace with the potential consequences. If not, I would seriously advise against leaving any.

Bauer not only left marks but choked the accuser to the point where there was petechial hemorrhaging. Approximately 30 seconds of sustained pressure causes the blood vessels in the face to burst. This amount of force and time for the petechiae to develop puts the bottom in imminent risk of permanent physical harm. Law enforcement knows this and may charge Bauer accordingly as it could be viewed as attempted homicide or at the least a felony battery. The next 10 to 40 years of his life could be forfeit.

Not being able to hammer this point enough….. if you are going to play this hard, you better be able to trust your partner. Both ways. Not the, “I’ve known them for a few months,” kind of trust. The I would trust them with my life and raising my kids if I died kind.

If they are both inexperienced players as I suspect, Bauer and his accuser probably had no idea what they were getting into or they likely would not be where they are with this issue today.

Have a plan for seeking medical attention if needed. Seek out kink friendly professionals in your area who understand the marks they see, may not be abusive. Take the time to learn first aid, wound care, and more advanced medical aid appropriate to the type of play you are engaging in. If both of them were experienced, had a plan, and taken the time to train in how to deal with kink injuries….. perhaps this could have been avoided.

It’s the Unseen Things Which Can Bite Us the Worst

If Bauer knew her medical history, it is currently unknown if he did. Perhaps he did not know enough to even ask. Here that history may have played a significant role. During the court hearing the nurse who administered the SART examination openly testified in court the accuser’s use of ibuprofen prior to the second encounter could have exacerbated the bruising. The accuser was also taking the prescription medications Lexapro and Gabapentin. These in combination are a serious cocktail and may have also contributed to the excessive bruising.

Lexapro is an antidepressant and anxiety medication. Not digging on anyone who needs it or uses it. But as a top I would want to dig a little bit on this to make sure the person I was playing with is ok enough to do so.

Gabapentin is used with other medications to prevent and control seizures. It is also used to relieve nerve pain in adults and is known as an anticonvulsant or antiepileptic drug. Knowing this I would be very hesitant to engage in heavy impact or choking/breath play. Regardless of why the accuser was taking the medication, they may be less likely to have a healthy pain response and unable to tell me the difference between the good pain (of impact play) and bad pain, to prevent seriously damaging them. Further, a restriction of oxygen could trigger a seizure.

Whether we like it or not, as tops we do have a responsibility to say no to play if we believe someone is not ready for the activities we want to engage in. Physically or mentally. Talking about medical history and medications is the only way to gain the needed information so we can make an informed decision. People involved in kink need to get past the embarrassment or secrecy they may hold regarding their personal information in this regard. It is for our own personal and collective safety.

Where It All Ends Up

There is no way to tell at this point what the outcome of the protection order hearing will be let alone potential criminal charges for Bauer. When this article is published, at least one of those may have been decided. Hopefully, with the release of additional information we can learn more about the circumstances and use it to better protect ourselves.

In the meantime, please take this article for what it is, partly fact, and partly speculation. Both used to highlight potential legal and physical risks of play. I am not suggesting you should stop everything and go through your medicine cabinet or quit playing all together. Only that some of what we do has to be approached with real planning and thought; a bit of caution aided with a modicum of knowledge; and whole heap of covering your own ass before the fact.

Vetting; developing trust; understanding the kinks you are exercising and the risks; having an understanding of each others’ medical concerns, history, and medications; as well as having a plan for if play goes wrong are all key points we need to be aware of and practice.

If we do not, we are rolling a loaded pair of dice and the odds are against us.

Bauer rolled snake eyes.

News Stories and Relevant Links (unfortunately case transcripts are not available in full at this time)

Drug Interaction Checker – Find Interactions Between Medications (webmd.com)

9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 1) (kinkoutloud.com)

9 Entirely Un-Sexy Risks of BDSM and How to Avoid Them (Part 2) (kinkoutloud.com)

Petechial Hemorrhage | Encyclopedia.com

Kink Aware Professionals (KAP) – Sex-Positive Support for Kink and Nonmonogamy (kapprofessionals.org)

Trevor Bauer Court Documents: Sexual Assault Accusation Details | Heavy.com

Trevor Bauer: California woman shares her brutal fear during restraining order hearing – Sports Illustrated

Trevor Bauer’s accuser cross-examined by Dodgers pitcher’s attorney on 2nd day of restraining order hearing – ABC7 Los Angeles

Trevor Bauer accuser details why she asked for restraining order – The Washington Post

What we learned from Day 2 of the Bauer Hearing – Beyond the Box Score

Trevor Bauer accuser becomes flustered by cross-examination – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

Bauer accuser grilled about past relationships with Padres players, deleted messages – Daily News

Trevor Bauer’s attorneys question his accuser (nypost.com)

Trevor Bauer (トレバー・バウアー) (@BauerOutage) / Twitter

Trevor Bauer’s hearing begins with testimony from accuser – Los Angeles Times (latimes.com)

Trevor Bauer accuser testifies against Dodgers pitcher in restraining order hearing – ABC7 Los Angeles

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to and helps admin several online kink, polyamory, and swing culture groups on Facebook such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; Virtual Munch; and Pittsburgh Lifestyle. His writing includes information on self-improvement, kink education, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics, healthy and healing relationships, power exchange, safety and much more. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for over three decades. He can be contacted and view much of his other writing on FetLife @ TAC_1.

Coming Back To The Scene

September 2, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

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For many of us, the past year or so has been a veritable desert in our kink worlds. Those who had children at home or who live in apartments may have attempted quiet play, if we were in the mood for it, of course, since anxiety isn’t the best aphrodisiac. Unfortuanately, with many of our kink spaces closing down or choosing to carefuly curate guests lists, there are a lot of people who are finally starting to resume their bdsm play. I’ve heard a common refrain among them.

Most of the stories are of scenes going poorly, both people expecting to be able to resume their journeys exactly where they left off, only to discover that the top runs low on endurance while the bottom has a much lower tolerance for pain. Overall, those factors make for an unsatisfactory scene, along with many thoughts and feelings of not being good enough or tough enough to satisfy their partner. This seems to mostly be the case among more experienced or frequent heavier players that I have spoken to. Newer or more casual players seem to have had less of an issue in this area.

For those who haven’t experienced this, either count your blessings or consider this a warning in advance.

We build up tolerance over time, or perhaps a desire to experience that endorphin rush pushes us to greater heights, since our bodies become accustomed to anything we do with any regularity, whether it be working out, getting up early, or even receiving pain. It makes total sense that the amount of impact or other intense play that someone can take at the beginning of their journey changes over time. That was certainly the case for me. We had a regular schedule and were meeting it consistently.

Of course, that all changed last March. Without access to our regular dungeon space, we felt less comfortable pushing some of those boundaries. Additionally, neither of us was really in the mood for BDSM. In fact, we were rarely in the mood for sexual intimacy, let alone any sort of pain play. We were stuck in a house with family members stacked on top of one another, with no real safe place to go, plus dealing with anxiety. Those are hardly the stuff dreams are made of.

My story isn’t unique. Many of the friends I have in my local community have expressed similar sentiments. Their kink play went into hibernation for quite a while during 2020. Once our local dungeon started opening for private reservations we began attending again, but unless we specifically planned to go in advance and paid for the rental, we would often find reasons to delay.

In many ways I am quite lucky. As someone who has done impact education, my partner happens to be well versed in play with newer bottoms. Our first session back was one without any assumptions. It had been at least five months since we’d done any serious impact, and he didn’t rush into anything. He tried out lots of new impact tools we’d been collecting from a Maker friend of ours, including a PuckYou (I’m not a fan, it’s super stingy) and a Jawbreaker (opposite end of the spectrum and almost painfully thuddy). We had a positive experience, because he was testing my responses to some of the newer gear, rather than expecting me to take impact that he’d been able to give me before. We were even finally able to really get to try the whips he’d gotten as gifts that were definitely too long for the bedroom. Across the room, members of our germ pod made their beautiful scene sounds and for a moment, the world was a happy place again.

Santa’s method is pretty handy. When he is working with someone who is an unknown bottom to him, or who has not had a scene with him in quite some time, he uses a numerical scale to determine where everyone is. For example, he will swing a flogger at the lowest speed he can swing it without the falls being out of control, and he calls that his “one.” He will ask the bottom on a scale of one to ten, how did that impact register to them. If they also feel it is one, he can continue, while checking in with them as he increases his force. If their response is “six” to his “one,” odd are good that implement needs to be set aside for the time being, as they may not have a positive response to it.

Others I have spoken with have not been as lucky. They jumped back into their play after an extended break, some with the brevity of mine (five months), and others who did not play for a year or more. They expected to splash right back into the deep end of the pool, only to realize too late that someone moved the diving board while they were away. Frustrated and feeling insecure, I heard many stories of them trying to push through only to end in rather unsatisfactory scenes for all involved.

We forget, sometimes, when those born biologically female are dealing with their cycle of hormones, those things can change how they handle different types of pain. So add those hormonal changes into anxiety added into an extended period of time without play, and what we get is bodies with a very different tolerance on the other side of this pandemic.

So the first thing I would say to those experiencing this: you are not alone. There are a lot of people out there who are readjusting to their new normal and realizing their journeys are much different than they were. The second thing I would say is give yourselves grace. We’ve all been going through, and are still going through, an unprescedented event which makes for a very traumatized populace. Be kind to yourselves and realize that we all need more forgiveness for what we see as our own inadequecies.

The final thing I would say is the same thing I have told myself when looking at others and envying their ability to take pain. Walk your own path, and don’t look back at your old self as better or more resiliant. Your old self hadn’t been through a year and a half of a traumatizing pandemic. YOU are every bit as strong and tough as you need to be. Figure out what your tolerance is now and work from there rather than trying to play like you used to. Hell, your top may even appreciate not having to work so hard for a while.

Above all, talk to your partners. Make sure they understand that your body has changed and how to work with you to meet you where you are.

All any of us can do is be who we are, right this minute. I send my happiest and most positive thoughts to all of you.

Being Prepared: First Aid And Kink

August 26, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

Domme holding cock cage — via stock.adobe.com

One of the things I am very grateful of- from early on in my kink life my mentor drilled into me that before I could potentially break it, I needed to know how to fix it.

I think everyone would agree, avoiding injury and safety in play is our first priority. But we spend, or at least I do, a whole lot more time thinking about the play itself, than about what to do if someone gets hurt. Of course we do! Fantasizing about our next scene and what will happen is a whole lot sexier than ticking off a mental list of risks and whether or not we packed a roll of gauze in our bag. Nothing will kill that mid-day tingle like the thought of a broken finger and how to splint it.

If we stay in the game long enough, someone is going to get a bit banged up. Not just our bottoms, but tops get injured also. It pays for everyone involved to be reasonably versed in first aid and general wound care. Here are a few things I picked up along the way which might help you be a little better prepared.

Learn How to Fix It

Depending on what play you are into, there are a variety of injuries which can happen no matter how careful we are. For the most part, general first aid will cover the odd minor cuts, abrasions, bruises, and the like. For heavier players, split skin, lacerations, deep bruising, serious cuts and possibly worse can happen. Knowing what to do for more serious injuries is a must in these instances and can be the difference between something being able to heal well, and a trip to the emergency room.

Start with a Red Cross First Aid and CPR Class. Yes, go to an actual class where you can go hands on, not just watching a YouTube video or reading a book. Walking through the different aspects helps set the knowledge better in our heads and gives us a chance to ask questions and hear the questions of others being answered. The value of this interaction cannot be overstated.

If you are a heavier player, consider attending some kink specific training where you can ask the instructors what the potential injuries may be, and what to do about them. There are also plenty of survivalists out there who run field first aid classes which teach about how to deal with more serious injuries.

Nope I’m not a Kook and I’m not joking.

Sure, you may learn a whole lot more than you need, but having the core knowledge that is more in depth than simple first aid can be a game changer if a scene goes really badly. It’s better to be over prepared than under. Not to mention….it’s just good to know.

A good reference book for this more advanced care is the US Army Field Manual for First Aid which can be found for free here- Chapter 1 (army.mil) as well as this book available through Amazon ACEP First Aid Manual, 5th Edition (Dk First Aid Manual): DK Publishing: 9781465419507: Amazon.com: Gateway

Again, a whole bunch more information than you need, but if you do suspensions dropping someone on their head might be a real concern. Knowing what to do with a head injury might be important to you.

Build Your Kit

“OH MY GOD!!!! I read that manual now I have to build a footlocker sized first aid kit!”

Nope. You really don’t. Start with a commercial of the shelf basic first aid kit which covers minor injuries. Most of these are small enough to fit easily in a side pocket of most gear bags. I won’t go over everything I think you should have in this basic kit, but here is one which I would recommend as it contains a bunch of what you need, and it has features which can be very helpful:

Amazon.com: 2-in-1 First Aid Kit (215 Piece) + Bonus 43 Piece Mini First Aid Kit -Includes Eyewash, Ice(Cold) Pack, Moleskin Pad and Emergency Blanket for Travel, Home, Office, Car, Workplace: Health & Personal Care

What is great about this kit:

Red Bag with a reflective stripe so it’s easier to locate in lower light settings.
Fold out sections and zipper pockets so its easy to find things quickly and keep organized.
Comes with medical shears – somethings a lot of rope tops recommend having around.
Has supplies which cover not just cuts, bites, stings and abrasions – but also has gear to help with a little more serious mechanical injuries.
Great price point for a basic kit.

This is a great start and will cover the vast majority of players out there and what they need in a kit. One note though, many of these types of kits do have some supplies which expire over time. Put on your annual to do list to inventory your kit and replace items you have used or have expired.

For those who might need gear for more serious injuries look at the type of play and match additional supplies to those risks. Here are a few examples-

Fire Play- extra ice packs, sterile burn bandages, and extra gauze.

Knife Play- pressure dressing, chest seal, and a coagulant pack and/or coagulant gauze, CAT tourniquet (or similar).

Rope Play- rescue hook, extra ointment for abrasions, extra gauze, kinesthetic tape.

CNC and Primal- Kinesthetic tape and finger splints.

Whips (as in a serious single tail)- Antibiotic ointment, superglue, and butterfly closures.

Just some examples (I know there is a lot more you super prepper kinksters), and to many of you these may sound like overkill. For most of you it would be. But penetrating wounds can happen during knife play. Sweat drips onto a slick floor, the foot slips a bit and out of reaction the Top tries to catch themselves. That knife could wind up where it wasn’t intended, in either of you. Better to be prepared than not. Knives may be a cool thought for you newer rope tops….. until you try to get it between the skin of your bottom and the rope in a hurry without cutting them badly. Oh, and test it out on a spare piece of rope so you know how it works.

Don’t build a foot locker full of medical gear, unless that’s your kink😉. You’ll hate it and you won’t take it with you when you should. A smallish kit with what you need is best. Stick to items you know how to use.

Lastly, make sure you are protecting yourself. Pack extra rubber or nitrile gloves in your kit and a pair of safety glasses. Sure, you and your bottom may already have each other’s cooties…… but it may be someone else at the club who gets injured and you are the only one around with a decent kit and the knowledge to use it. Plan accordingly.

Practice

Like anything else in kink, when it’s happening is the wrong time to be googling how to do it. Take some time several times a year to go over what to do if someone gets injured. Not just you Tops but bottoms also. Practice on each other how to apply a basic bandage; what to do in case of a burn etc. We all like to think that after we go to a training the knowledge will always be there. IT WON’T.

Make the effort to refresh what you learned so if something does happen and people are freaking out around you putting you are under additional stress; what you need to do comes back to you without a herculean effort.

You would not use a single tail on someone without having practiced on a pillow regularly would you? Same principle.

Lastly, do not let your knowledge, kit, and practice make you overconfident. Things may happen which are beyond our ability to handle alone. Yes, there is risk in going to the hospital or calling an ambulance but its better than someone being permanently maimed or worse.

Keep it Handy

Not in the car; not in the closet; not in another room………

Handy! Like within reasonable reach.

Depending on the scene I keep my kit either next to the kink furniture I am using (where I won’t step on it) or in the gear bag within a few steps. I make sure that anyone I am playing with knows exactly where it is before play starts, and if there is a dungeon monitor, I inform them also.

When you need it, you need it. Enough said.

A Few Extras Which Are Nice to Have Around

Although not exactly first aid items, these can come in handy for different things if you have the room:

A bottle of water to wash out cuts or rinse abrasions.

Bug spray and sun screen for outdoor play. Mosquitos and sun poisoning can ruin an otherwise great outing.

Small pack of Kleenex for addressing small things that you don’t need a band-aid for like shaving cuts.

Pain killers such as ibuprofen or paracetamol.

The Pay Off

Having good knowledge of what to do in case of injury prompts us to assess risks in play more carefully making it less likely we will seriously injure someone. Knowing first aid and having a kit is not just a cure, but a means of prevention.

Being prepared in mind and with kit gives us the ability to prevent minor injuries from becoming serious ones; helps us recognize more serious injuries quickly; and potentially prevent an injury becoming life threatening. Practicing on each other builds our confidence and makes it more likely we will respond appropriately if an injury does happen.

Yes, this is going to take your valuable time, effort, and a bit of coin to do right. But so does practicing kink and we do that without blinking. Why wouldn’t we make the effort to protect the most valuable of assets, each other. Being prepared is an investment in ourselves and our partner which should not be overlooked or taken lightly.

As I said before…… When you need it, you need it. Enough said.

Here are some other resources which might be helpful:

American Red Cross

Wilderness First Aid (WFA)

Wilderness First Aid (nols.edu)

First Aid for Bruises, Abrasions and Other After Play Marks – Submissive Guide

Sexual Safety Kit – Submissive Feminist

BDSM — blossom’s Suggestions for a First Aid Kit (evilmonk.org)

Dungeon Monitor Kits – The DM’s Tool Bag (devianceanddesire.com)

Consistency Is Key!

August 1, 2021 By TAC 3 Comments

We prattle on in blogs, books, boards, and conversations about trust being the most important aspect of developing a dynamic, finding a play partner, and being a “good” fill in the blank. But is it really? Where does trust come from? It certainly does not just happen. Like a bad rash it creeps up on us over time. Insinuating itself into our psyche often without us understanding how it got there.

Trust comes from many things, but in my opinion, mostly from being consistent. In our actions, words, honesty, and temperament being consistent with our partner becomes the foundation of trust. Can we have trust without it?

Why Consistency?

If we have a dog, and that dog tries to bite us every time we touch its head, can we not trust it to do so again, the next time around? In the reverse, if we have a partner who consistently corrects us each time we say we are not attractive, smart, or capable could we not believe they would rise to the occasion the next time? Simply put trust is built on the back of, “if A happens, B will follow,” generally without fail. Trust is a personal connection combined with having faith in another person to act in a manner to which we have become accustomed.

If for some reason, we put ourselves down and our aforementioned partner does not correct us what happens? Our brain registers alarm and we begin looking for why. Did they not hear me? Are they not paying attention? They acted differently than expected.

When we meet a new person and begin vetting them, the general expectation is that they will be honest with us. If we find them not to be, again alarm. They have acted outside of our expectation and set a new one. The old adage, “once a liar always a liar,” comes to mind. After that point we are forever wondering if what they tell us is the truth.

If we run across enough liars in the vetting process, our general expectation of people changes. All people lie. So the next person we vet starts in a hole which others have dug for them.

For good or ill an expectation is set, regardless of the expected behavior being positive or negative. Trust can be a positive and or a negative thing.

If Trust can be Positive or Negative, Why Does it Matter?

Evolution has built us to identify different, as bad. Something different means potential danger. Over time we can become accustomed to many things, even horrible happenings in our lives and they become “normal” to us because they have been consistently happening to us.

It is why sometimes people who are abused, stay with their abusers. They know what is going on is not healthy for them, even potentially deadly. But they have become accustomed to their reality and can trust the outcomes of each day. Even if that outcome is a black eye, or worse. Evolution is working against them. The devil you know……

The opposite is also true.

Trust matters because it is a building block. The foundation of the structure built upon it. What we are really looking for in lifestyle dynamics is trust built from positive outcomes. That is the differentiator between a healthy and unhealthy dynamic. To get there, to build that, we need consistently positive experiences.

Of course, there are going to be bumps or things which we do wrong at times, eroding that positive consistency. Hopefully, we have deposited more in the positive bank than the negative. This gives us a head start for when things really go wrong.

What Happens When our Bank Suddenly Overdrafts?

That really depends not on the partner in the wrong, but the partner who has been wronged and their expectations of themselves. Let’s face it, bad things will happen, hopefully not often. When they do, that is likely to late to decide if you are really committed to the relationship.

To survive these events, the consistent expectation of ourselves should have been a foregone conclusion. Before our world gets turned upside down the attitude of, “I will stick,” can make all the difference in the world. It does not matter what cowpie my partner steps in, as long as the relationship is not toxic, I decided long ago that staying committed is the only option. No matter what, we would find a way through it.

It may really suck getting through it, but we both have already decided the outcome to be positive.

Without that consistent personal attitude toward ourselves, we allow doubt to creep in. Doubt prevents us from seeking truth and encourages us to assign blame. Blame never solved anything.

How Do I Get to Being Consistent?

Practice, a lot of it, and holding each other accountable. If one of us breaks the expectations, the other better be saying something. If one of us does something great, we should be expressing our appreciation. It becomes a way of life, a technique we weave into our communication, and an expectation in and of itself. Which, if done well, is appreciated.

It takes the ability to keep an open mind, not jumping to conclusions, and really listening and discussing what is going on. Not assigning blame but finding fact in an effort to design solutions. This no-fault attitude toward communication and accountability frees both partners to be open about more than just what we need to be consistent at but also provides the platform to discuss those things which are extremely difficult. All of which improves open and consistent communication.

Having written expectations, rules, and consequences (good and bad) aids in being consistent also. If we have a primer to follow, we are more likely to use it rather than wing it. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes we have to wing it, we cannot plan for everything. Yet that document allows us to temper the way we respond, going back to what we have agreed to, before deciding what to do. If gives us time to cool down and think about what is reasonable rather than acting rashly and maybe out of emotion.

Rash action is the enemy of consistency and trust. It almost never serves you well.

How Do We Benefit?

Learning to be consistent in how we treat our partner, and others, not only breeds trust but also confidence in them and ourselves. It becomes a launchpad for ideas because we know that if something we plan for a scene, or even life, goes horribly wrong the outcome will be a combined effort to get back to, “us,” not the destruction of us. What an incredible place to be, knowing that we can explore things which may be vastly difficult, and possibly even dangerous (regarding kink), knowing that our partner will see it through with us, no matter the outcome.

Is that not what most of us really want? That consistent person to explore with? The knowledge that tomorrow really is a forgone conclusion?

Of course, we cannot stop what fate has in store for us. But we can plan for the way we will react to it. Every time we react consistently committed to each other, and toward each other, the stronger that commitment and trust becomes.

The rabbit hole is bottomless. All you have to do is decide to take the dive together, knowing if and when the bottom is found, it will be found together.

Consistency gives us a gift. The freedom to be exactly who we are with each other, without judgement.

Being Dominant and Being A Dominant-Worlds Apart

July 23, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

Woman and man playing domination games in bed together

There have been a rash of questions on our educational sites lately similar to the following, “Can a guy become dominant if it doesn’t naturally come to them?”

It’s a good question but needs more context. Too often we see people confusing the difference between a Top (the dominant role during a scene) and being a Dominant, the head of a power exchange relationship. Through conversation, we often find what they mean, is being a Top.

I wrote about this difference some time ago in a shorter article addressing the difference. In it I wrote this short piece and asked the readers to comment and react:

“Just because my personality is dominant, does not make me a Dominant.

Just because I have self-discipline and a dominant personality, does not mean I am a Dominant, or would even be a good one.

Just because I have a submissive, does not mean I am a Dominant.

All of these things are pieces and parts brought together by will, intelligence, need, diligence, consistency, integrity, self-motivation, selflessness and selfishness, and the ability to bond deeply with another person through the development of trust and the vulnerability of emotional connection. Using all of the aforementioned to develop a skill set which enables a person to show they are able to take on the committed role and can be trusted. Giving the submissive an opportunity to be as the title implies.

It is a web of factors which takes time, patience, practice, and guidance to form a larger whole.

Anyone can call themselves anything, but until they realize it is much more than any one or two things culminating in being a Dominant, they will only ever be dominant. There is a difference.”

All Hell Broke Loose

As you can imagine, there were some very strong opinions which came out of this conversation. Everything from dominants are born not made, dominants can be made even if they never leaned that way before etc. etc. It seemed like everyone had an opinion as to how someone inclined becomes properly a Dominant.

Lacking was discussion on what might actually contribute to someone being a successful dominant. Out of the hundred or so replies there were exactly zero about a dominant’s make up, only argument about what was properly a Dominant or not. It was at the very least disheartening.

It was then I determined to write about what, in my opinion, really contributed to being a Dominant, not merely dominance. It wound up being 14 articles, with the Dominant’s Creed as its basis to give readers a baseline to follow. Some of that I am regurgitating here in this piece.

At the Center

I think nothing happens in this lifestyle which does not include the core of a person. Who they are underneath it all. Stripping away the façade of titles, costumes, toys, and the persona they may put on for others. In the end, whether they have a chance to be successful rests with them being a good person or not. Nothing more complicated than that. Regardless of the type of dynamic there are some commonalities which allow us to be that which we seek in kink.

Integrity and honesty, empathy and compassion, maturity and thoughtfulness, self-confidence and self-awareness, internal drive and motivation are among the many traits combined into a successful cocktail which enables others to see us as a potential Dominant. Because without a sub-type who wants our dominance, what good is it. First, they need to say yes.

Without that initial spark to which they are attracted in that submissive way, we are a rowboat without paddles.

If we happen to fake the funk and get someone to accept us and we are not a good person? Eventually it is going to melt down. People will get hurt emotionally, and possibly physically. The relationship will end simply because we have not taken the time to work on ourselves and become prepared to be that Dominant.

Sure there are plenty of submissives out there who could spell disaster for us because they may not be a good person. However, we are not in control of them, only ourselves. There is not point in duping someone, or waiting till after a relationship is established to get ourselves squared away.

So We Find a Submissive

Great, now what? As I stated in the first portion of this article there is so much more than just being in that relationship. It takes effort and commitment. A whole lot more talking going on than playing, or at least there should be in my opinion. How can we be an effective Dominant to someone if we do not know them well?

I am not just talking about what they do for work, or if they have kids, or the hobbies they like. We need to dig deep into who this person is and why they are who they are. And they us. At a brutal level of honesty. This is going to be the lever that allows us to appreciate them as a person. Be accepting of the bad, not just the good. To see past the front we all put up in a new relationship because we all want to put our best foot forward.

This willingness to learn our partner in an emotionally intimate way speaks of our ability to be empathic and compassionate. Two of our greatest and most used tools as Dominants. They council us to listen more than speak, to ask probing questions, and to really hear and understand our partner. Without this, we step on many more landmines than necessary.

No, Simply Demanding it Does Not Mean You’ll Get It

Even if we are a good person and have managed to find a submissive who is committed to us, we cannot be jerks about it, if we want it to last. Way back when dirt was invented and I was a new dominant, I thought that was the way it was supposed to work. I quickly found out otherwise to my shame and embarrassment.

There is a duty of care and responsibility which comes with being a Dominant. That we first are looking out for the best interest of our submissive. Even as a Master, we have to be careful of this, even more so as a committed slave is less likely to come to their own defense in many cases, unless the situation is dire. This is not possible without having developed a deep understanding of our sub-type.

They are placing their trust in us to lead them in a way which not only fulfills our desires but helps them grow and fulfills theirs. If all we are is a machine which compels compliance without thought to the impact on our charge, the chances of the dynamic lasting long or very small.

Creating a Gravitational Pull

The moon stays in orbit around Earth because of the gravity it exerts. Similarly, being that good person at our core helps us create an emotional gravity which captures our submissive and keeps them in our orbit. It allows them to open up to us, in turn, freeing us to be that Dominant they desire. I say freeing because without that pull, everything becomes a struggle where we are having to work to keep them enthralled and interested.

The dynamic becomes work, like the kind we do not appreciate so much. Not to be confused with the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.

It also frees our submissive to be accepting of our dominance. They can begin to and continue to trust us because they have learned we are a person worth trusting. Sure we have to do much more than just be a good and decent person. But it is a beginning worth striving for, and one which becomes foundational for a long-term commitment.

The Goal

I think most of us want to have that stability in our relationships, even if they are not romantic. The purpose driven commitment to and of another person bringing a constant into our universe to look forward to, cherish, and rely upon in good times and bad.

Is not this the hub on which all else turns? Our ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another person? To do that, to build that, we need to work on ourselves first.

Realizing to become a Dominant, we must master ourselves first. If we do not, we will only ever be dominant.

If you are interested in the Dominant’s Creed articles I mentioned earlier in this writing visit this link to my page on FetLife – TAC_1’s Writings | FetLife

This week in kink: July 19, 2021

July 15, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

Don’t miss this awesome sex furniture from BuzzFeed!

Best Sex Chairs And Furniture For Getting Down In 2021 (buzzfeed.com)

Interested in breath play?

Then, check out this informative article about some major breath play do’s and don’t’s from Women’s Health!

What Is Breath Play? Experts Explain The BDSM Practice (womenshealthmag.com)

In a long distance relationship?

Want to spice up your sex life?

Then, check out these sexy BDSM texts from Elite Daily!

How To Send A BDSM Text That’ll Give Your Partner A Kinky Thrill (elitedaily.com)

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

BDSM Virgin Rapture

June 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Occasionally I get questions about the BDSM world I am not familiar with. Usually, I have at least read about the basis of the query; it is rare that I have never even heard anything about that issue. Going through my files (I am still using my stored questions until our community returns to normal – which should be soon) I came across this term – “virgin rapture” – with which I am totally unfamiliar with. So here goes:

Reader: I’d like you to address what I’ve heard referred to as “virgin rapture.” It’s defined in Screw the Roses, Send Me the Thorns as: “A period of time wherein a newcomer is so overwhelmed by BDSM that they think the world revolves around it and can never imagine returning to any other form of sexuality.” I remember having these feelings and becoming quite confused and depressed when those feelings died Is this normal?

“New!” You hear this word in just about every ad on TV. The “new and improved” Dyson vacuum cleaner is touted on every other infomercial. New and improved? It’s really just another vacuum cleaner. But occasionally something touted as “new” is really fresh and not just ad-speak. For example, the iPhone was truly innovative. HDTV was so revolutionary that I even went out and bought one! And, finally, “new” BDSM. If groundbreaking audio or video hardware can get your juices flowing, imagine the effect of a radically new “sex and play” system! I would guess that everybody who first gets into BDSM has been blown away by it. In my case, I got so excited, I even started writing about it. Talk about “virgin BDSM rapture!” So “virgin rapture” is quite real and nothing unusual.

There are two problems that you allude to in your question. The first is that you feel worried about returning to any other “non-BDSM form of sexuality,” as you put it, once the feeling dies. If this is your primary dilemma, it is no predicament at all. (Unless you have a spouse or partner who is not into joining you on your BDSM journey; but that is another topic entirely.) There is no rule around here that says, “You cannot practice any other form of sexuality.” If you have no need for any other forms of sexuality, so be it. You should not feel guilty about any play choice, so long as it is between consenting adults. If you only want BDSM, only do BDSM. If you want to add vanilla into your BDSM play to spice it up, go for it. There are no rules here other than consent and age legalities.

The second, and more common, problem of “virgin rapture” is the troubles that emerge when the newness and novelty of BDSM wear off and boredom sets in. This often happens sometime after you lose your BDSM virginity. This can occur within months, but often it takes years. That boredom can occur in our BDSM lifestyle, at first glance, would appear unlikely. After all, there are so many ways to play; it seems that you will never run out of exciting things to do. Wrong! This problem is not confined to BDSM; it is universal. The problem with anything new is that, by definition, it ultimately becomes old. Many people, when the BDSM becomes boring, blame it on BDSM. But, it is really just the fault of the new becoming, as it inevitably will, old. What to do? There are two suggestions I can offer.

I recommend going through the kink weekly archives where you will find tons of play ideas. Here you can find a list of “new” things to do. For example – https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/bdsm-ideas-nipple-play-clamps-clips-suction is but one article that will give you ideas for fresh play. You might not be able to recreate “virgin rapture,” but you can find many activities that fall into the “new and exciting” category.

Another way to go is to look over your diaries. If you keep BDSM diaries – and I always suggest that the Dom request the sub to keep diaries, even if only from time-to-time – you can see what you did, play-wise and Ds-wise, when you were in the “virgin rapture” phase. Try and duplicate the play and the mindset that you have annotated in those diaries. Even without a diary, you can try to recreate early BDSM scenes from memory.

Between new play ideas and your BDSM diaries, you will be able to evoke the “virgin rapture” period of your BDSM life. Factoring in the experience you have gained through your BDSM journey, you might even find that, even after our forced boredom of covid quarantine, “virgin rapture, part two” can even be better than “virgin rapture, part one!”

bdsm safety

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