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Does Submission Need to Include Sacrifice?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

I was, as I often do, reading some posts in Fetlife this morning. As I read through the posts, I noticed the  recurring notion that submissives “sacrifice” things: Their freedom, their desires, their dignity. The  common belief is that submissives “give up” parts of themselves in order to serve the dominant. That, in order to serve the dominant, they need to deprive themselves (or be deprived) of something they want.  To further the stereotypes: They are often either manipulated into this sacrifice, or want to sacrifice to a  dominant who will gladly make them do so.  

I got around to thinking about my submissives. I’ve never thought about them sacrificing for me…this is  what THEY want to do. I came to the realization that while they give a lot, they don’t actually GIVE UP anything. 

I sat down and discussed this with my husband (who is my slave). His answer was telling: 

“If I think about the way dominance and submission are depicted in videos, then it’s pretty clear  that the submissives are ‘put upon’ to do what the dominant wants. They are usually ‘forced’ to  do so, actually. They are often acting against their will and acting like they ‘have’ to do things  that they don’t, or wouldn’t, want to do. If that’s the case, then yes, they’re sacrificing…they’re  sacrificing their own wills and their own desires in favor of the dominant’s. But I don’t feel that way about my submission to you. I’m not sacrificing any of myself…I’m not  forced to serve you. I CHOOSE to serve you. I WANT to serve you. In serving you, in doing what you want and placing those desires in front of my own, I am getting exactly what I want. In fact,  if I were not able to serve you, I’d be sacrificing – because I would have to give up my ultimate enjoyment.” 

His answer got me thinking: Why does submission need to be a negative thing? Why do we think the  submissive is “oppressed”? My husband is certainly not oppressed.  

So this brings up the obvious paradox: If a man wishes to ‘sacrifice’…and is given the opportunity to do  so…is he really sacrificing? Isn’t this really what’s at the root of submission? There is a reason that  submissives submit: It’s not because they HAVE to…that’s capitulation and acquiescence…it’s because  they CHOOSE to. Submission is a conscious dedication to the dominant. Submissives WANT to submit.  

This paradox is as old as time, but how it conflicts with reality seems to underlie a lot of fantasy  activities. The fantasy is to sacrifice…but to be allowed to sacrifice is not a sacrifice. Submissives want to  feel they have sacrificed…many want to be forced to sacrifice – and yet, the very nature of free will and  consent take that away. The reality is, SSC (Safe, Sane, and Consensual), keeps the fantasy a fantasy! If  you crossed the line and actually forced a submissive to sacrifice, it would be considered abuse.

So submissives who want that fantasy need to artificially manufacture the illusion of sacrifice. They  crave manipulation, they want to be forced to capitulate. Many want to be put in chastity devices to  sacrifice sexual freedom, or want to live in bondage and desolate servitude…or sign contracts (even if  they have no legal meaning). They invent terms like TPE (Total Power Exchange) and CNC (Consensual  Non-Consent) to obfuscate consensual sacrifice and make it look as though there is no free will – when,  in fact, you can’t actually give up free will (because there will always be legal recourse to get it back). 

But submission is given a bum-wrap for this imagery. The fantasy is what people see – and what the  general public associates with power dynamics. The fantasy of sacrifice and oppression is what applies  pressure on spouses and partners who want to be served, but don’t want to oppress. It’s what some  submissives point to when defining what dominance “has to be.”  

It’s what I’ve been combatting with my methodology for more than a dozen years. 

In reality, submission is not sacrifice. Submission, for my husband and many others, is fulfillment.  Submission is their freedom. They are not ‘giving up’ anything at all…they are ‘obtaining’ fulfillment of  their desires. You can play games and enact fantasies, but ultimately, the actual submission is voluntary  – the devotion of submission is fulfilling and enlivening.  

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Kink and Ethical Non-Monogamy

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We have interviewed many polyamorous kinky individuals. We recently interviewed a kinkster who  shared her story with us about how she and her husband discovered that they are not sexually aligned.  Let’s call her “L” She is kinky and he just isn’t. They tried to incorporate kink into their lifestyle and while  she discovered that her sexuality is wrapped up in kink, he discovered that his is not. So how they dealt  with it, because they are life partners, was to venture into the world of polyamory, (what I like to call  “ethical non-monogamy”). They went poly.  

Polyamory means many (from English) loves (from the Latin “amore”). Polyamory, the word, is in much  more use in modern times, beginning in about 1988 and being much more prevalent and in use today.  The notion of many loves led to the more accurate descriptor, that being “Ethical Non-Monogamy”. The  ethics in play implies that there is agreement between the parties to have multiple partners. Not all non monogamy involves loving relationships, whereas polyamory implies that there are indeed multiple  loving relationships. In this case, our protagonist, L, and her husband B are in a polyamorous  relationship. L’s lover does not have a relationship with B and B’s lover does not have a relationship  (beyond friendship) with L. In polyamory, the partner’s partners are called “metamours.”  

L searched for and found a Dom with whom she developed a long-distance relationship, they met and  agreed to a D/s dynamic. She calls her Dom her “Sir”. She and he engage with daily communication,  tasks, etc, in an attempt to “normalize” the physical distance between them, while at the same time, her  husband, “B”, has found a local girlfriend and so they are now happily in this poly dynamic where she  gets her kink fix when she can, and he gets to explore his vanilla relationship with his girlfriend when he  can. It’s a very elegant solution. They love each other and they set out to create workability in their  relationship by creating an ethical non-monogamous solution, and they are both happier as a result.  

So, lets talk about this elegant solution to their relationship dynamic and all the ways it could have gone pear-shaped.  

First, when a couple discovers that they are not sexually compatible, its often the end of the  relationship. This couple did the adult thing. They talked. If polyamory is about anything, its about  communication. She had longings for kink and B did not, so he encouraged her to seek out a Dom and  she began that process online. They talked about what she discovered and what was pulling her toward  the kink dynamic and being confident in her love for him, he was able to say that he would be ok with  her scratching that kink itch with another man. Eventually, the time came for her to meet her Dom in  person. She realized that she had formed an emotional connection with him and she wanted to  experience herself as a sexual submissive. She craved it. They agreed to meet for a weekend in a central  location being that they live in different states.  

This is the point that most relationships that are attempting to open up simply fail. Most men cannot  stand the idea of their mate being sexually satisfied by another man. It has the potential of being very  emasculating. And yet, they agreed that she should indeed meet her Dom to see if this idea of  polyamory was or could be workable. It took a lot of courage on both of their parts to take this decision.  But their relationship was solid and the stepped into the wilderness. At this point, in the world of ethical  non-monogamy, what you have here is a 3-person conversation where there is agreement all around as  to what is important. The Dom was not willing to meet unless the marriage itself was stable and secure.  The marriage being stable and secure allowed the couple to have confidence in and certainty about their relationship as L went off to experience her first kink experience with this new Dom. They met for dinner  first and got to know each other in person beyond their phone calls, skype and chats. Only then did they  agree to play (in kink, scenes are called “play”) that she would submit to being used by him. They had  their first scene, and then she went back to her husband to debrief.  

This began a process of self-assessment for both him and her, and as L became more emotionally  involved with her Sir, talking on the phone every day, being tasked by him and so on, B began to feel  space developing, and by coincidence, he met a local woman with whom he had much in common and  with L’s agreement, B started to date his new gal, let’s call her “J”.  

So now you have a 4-way conversation that looks like this Sir-L- B – J. The secret to this polycule is that B  and L are in good communication, have a great relationship, and love each other as life partners. B and J  have a loving relationship that is going on 2 years now and Sir and L have a loving relationship that while  being long distance, allows Sir and L to explore kink to each of their personal satisfactions.  

The key to this dynamic is that L and B are deeply connected, in communication, and love each other as  life partners. This allows both B and L to explore sexuality and relationship outside of their committed  marriage in a true polyamorous manner that lives up to the idea of ethical non-monogamy.  

The secret to polyamory is communication. In a world where there is space between the couple,  polyamory is a path to relationship destruction. It’s only where there is no space and the couple speaks  openly and honestly about what they want and what’s missing that allows them to even discuss opening  their marriage and put polyamory on the table.  

Consider that there can be poly dynamics that do not involve sex. There are kink relationships that do  not involve sex either. In fact, among asexuals, polyamory is often the relationship model of choice with  many of the same challenges that sexual relationships have, especially where there is a partner who  wishes to have a sexual relationship. Polyamory is a natural and quite popular solution. In non-sexual  relationships, non-monogamy requires communication to the same extent as in sexual relationships.  

Where non-monogamy and kink intersect often is that there are multiple opportunities in play spaces  (pre-covid and soon to be post covid) where in a dungeon, a couple might invite an expert to play with a  partner. For example, sounding him while his partner watches. These are ethical non-monogamy  interludes that do not rise to the level of polyamory.  

All non-monogamy requires that precautions be taken to avoid transmission of STD’s when sex is  involved. Fluid bonding is a thing that really should be agreed to by all the parties. There should also be  a regular testing paradigm so everyone involved can be confident that they are not engaging in  excessively risky behavior. This is especially true in non-poly open relationships where sex is the point.  Swinging for example. Swinging is naturally an ethical-nonmonogamy construct and like much of  consensual play in kink, swinging can be risky and safety agreements should govern fluid bonding. This  goes for sharing of toys for instance and using clean condoms before sharing toys with a non-fluid  bonded partner.  

Kink and non-monogamy go together often. Ethical non-monogamy means that there are agreements in  place and that the ethics of non-monogamy are governed by those agreements. Can a couple exist  where one member of the couple is kinky and one is not? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one  member of the couple wants to do things that are “hard limits” for her partner? Absolutely. Can a couple exist where one member is asexual and the other deeply kinky? Absolutely. All of these scenarios  can and do exist and they exist inside of agreements which in turn requires communication. It comes  down to this. If you do not ask for what you want, you will never know if your partner would agree. He  might, and if he does not, at least you are in communication and there is a chance you can negotiate to  an agreement. Kinksters are used to negotiation. That is the essence of the D/s dynamic. Having an  ethical non-monogamous relationship is a natural outcome of a conversation where you ask your  partner to do things to you that they are not comfortable with.  

As long as there is trust and love is present, anything is possible.  

SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and  personal coaching options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching  out for an initial conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

The Patreon is also a way to sign up: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast platforms

Piercings

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Before I get to the BDSM question, I would like to take a little time to answer the one question I have gotten ad infinitum: “How did you come up with that BaadMaster name you use?”  Of times they insert a colorful descriptive into the question such as “lousy, awful, dumb, idiotic.”  I have heard them all, so it is time to explain the unexplainable.  Quickly stated, I moved to California at the beginning of the Internet-based BDSM world. As AOL chatrooms ruled the day (thus I still maintain, as an homage, my baadmaster@aol.com email addy), it seemed that every self described Dom’s handle was some variant of the following: GoodMaster, WiseMaster, GreatMaster, etc.  I, being a lifetime member of the Contrarians (there is no such organization), I did just the opposite – I chose BaadMaster. (I should have chosen Sir Osis!)  Over time the name became so integrated into the community, it was too late to change my baad name! And there you have it.  Now on to the regular part of our program.

Reader: When a guy gets an Apadravya piercing, or any of the “extreme” piercings, how does it affect urination? Do these piercings have other effects to be concerned about? Are these concerns the same for female piercings?

For starters, let’s explain what an Apadravya is. It is the generic name for piercings that increase the size of penis during intercourse, primarily to satisfy the partner. This would also include the Prince Albert.  Of course, when piercing the penis, there are more concerns than the run of the mill earlobe piercing.

So here is my advice: “Find a piercer whom you trust.”  Although this is great advice, it is easier said than done.  One of the things that concerns me about piercings is that the more popular they become, the harder it is to find a good piercer.  This sounds like an oxymoron; so let me explain.  A few brief years ago, before the current piercing rage, there was a network of people who could steer you to the best and — more often than not — the only good piercer in town.  Now, with a piercing/tattoo parlor on just about every street corner, how can you choose?  And with everybody pierced by a different piercer (the result of so many piercing venues), how can you choose a good one if you are new to this?

Unless you know of a piercer whose work you can verify by personal references, I recommend you select a member of the Association of Professional Piercers to do the piercing.  They have an awesome website (http://www.safepiercing.org ) which provides information and a list of approved, member piercers.   Piercing is not to be attempted by a beginner.  This group not only has professional criteria for their members, but they also have set minimum jewelry standards, too.  This is critical because piercings done with the wrong metals can contribute to infections or improper and/or unaesthetic healing.  Keep in mind, urination will only be a problem if your piercing is done improperly.

  1. APP Minimum Jewelry Standards
  2. Jewelry placed in new piercings must be made of one of the following metals:
  • Surgical Implant Stainless Steel CrNMo 316L or 316LVM ASTM F-138 
  • Surgical Implant Titanium Ti6A4V ELI ASTM F-136 
  • Niobium (Nb)
  • 14 karat or 18 karat solid white or yellow gold
  • Metal must be free of nicks, scratches, burrs, and polishing compounds
  • Must have internal tapping (no threads on posts) for 16 gauge and thicker.
  • Must have rounded ends on rings.
  • Threads 1.2 mm for 14 gauge and 12 gauge; .080 for 10 gauge.
  1. When choosing a piercer, make sure he follows these standards with respect to the jewelry he uses for the piercings.  And, at least here in California, they cannot pierce you with your own jewelry.  They sterilize the jewelry they sell and shrink wrap it.  After it heals, if you want, you can swap out their jewelry for yours.
  2. Danger of infection, hepatitis, and general aesthetic screw-ups are present whenever an amateur does the piercing.  I actually witnessed a nipple piercing at a garage at a play party.  The garage was pretty filthy.  Sure enough, the female submissive’s  nipples got infected and she had to remove her piercings.  In this case the she  was lucky because her nipples healed up perfectly.  But this is not always the case when infection occurs.  Infected piercings can scar, so sterility – both at the piercer’s studio and in aftercare – is of primary importance.  Insist on a general sense of professionalism and sterility in the piercer’s studio.  And remember,  in this covid world (I guess I had to mention it one more time!), sterility is next to Godliness.  If the piercer’s shop looks like Borat and his animals slept there, leave and find another place.
  3. One other common problem is a general sense of frustration with the time it takes for the more exotic piercings to heal.  You cannot believe how many people get impatient with their piercings while they are healing.  Nipples can sometimes take up to six months to heal; a Prince Albert can take even longer if you are a slow healer and play with yourself a lot!  
  4. As with so many BDSM activities, take your time and do it right.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Exploring Casual Sex While Being Demisexual

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Sexuality is a broad spectrum. Everyone has different preferences regarding dating and being intimate with others, but some groups of people show certain common grounds. Many of them don’t necessarily feel the need to be labeled, but being part of a group can help us find our own voice for many of us. 

Labeling various aspects of our sexuality can help us identify our needs and desires and share them with the community. It allows us to find other people like ourselves. However, some preferences may be confusing even to people that define themselves as those. 

What exactly is demisexuality? Can demisexuals enjoy casual encounters? How to manage your physical craving without a long-term relationship? Here, you will find some information that will hopefully help you answer those questions. 

Demisexuality

Humans are sexual beings. The vast majority enjoys various kinds of sex, as it is no longer just a matter of procreation but a healthy way to relieve stress, have fun, experiment with new feelings, etc. While some can enjoy masturbation, their silicon wives, or random sex with strangers, not all people can and want to do those things. 

Demisexuality is one of the sexual orientations where people feel sexual attraction to someone only when they have an emotional bond with that person. At the same time, they can be gay, straight, pan, bi, and they may have any gender identity. 

Contrary to some beliefs, the bond demisexual people need to enjoy sexual encounters doesn’t need to be love or romance. For many of them, friendship will be more than enough. 

Right now, you may think, “but don’t many of us wait to have intimate relationships after we create some bond?” Yes, but for demi people, it’s not about choice. They don’t do it because they want to, but because they won’t feel sexual attraction until after they befriend someone. They are not simply people who decide to date someone before having sex. 

Casual Encounters

Seeing their friends hooking up in bars and having a good time with total strangers may be annoying for demi people. Most people need physical closeness from time to time, but some don’t want to engage in serious relationships. 

Being the only one who goes to a party with friends and goes back alone isn’t nice. You never have any wild, fun stories to tell in the morning, and you can feel like you are too picky and that your friends perceive you as a prude. Nevertheless, have you ever had casual sex that you enjoyed? If you didn’t have casual sex at all, do you want to?

If the answer is “no,” then you don’t have anything to feel weird about. Sex with strangers, especially after alcohol, can be really awkward, and lots of people lie that it was wonderful, just to feel better. You can always fulfill your physical needs in different ways. Doing it by yourself has many benefits, including getting to know your own body. 

Friends With Benefits

Friends with benefits is a fantastic way to have someone you can be close to with no strings attached. It is also a perfect arrangement for demis. Platonic friendship or love is also the connection that may allow demisexual people to have good sex without long-term relationships. 

If you don’t want to ruin your social circles, you can look up people on the Internet. There are sites designed especially for looking for friends with benefits, and putting your sexual preferences on your profile page can help you avoid people that want something different. 

Having a platonic sexual relationship will allow you to explore your sexual side without distractions and fights that usually couples have. You can try various things and techniques and see what you are into. 

However, there is a tricky part of the FwB relationship that people tend to forget. If you want it to work, you have to remember that you are not a couple. It can get really awkward if one person “catches” feelings and the other one doesn’t. You have to establish clear ground rules of the arrangement and follow them thoroughly. 

The Bottom Line

Demisexual people will indeed have a harder time finding relationships with no strings than others. However, in most cases, it can be done. There is no reason for demisexual people to be abstinent when dating is out of the question. You can have sex for any reason, from physical need to the mental need of closeness. It is important to take your time and find someone you will have a good time with, so you won’t end up hurt or in an uncomfortable situation. 

Remember that you don’t have to do things that make you feel awkward just because other people are doing this. You can take everything at your own pace. Embracing your sexuality can help you feel better and accept yourself just the way you are. 

Maze is a lifestyle writer, dominant in life, submissive in other activities. She participates in shibari workshops and works as a BDSM model for both workshops and photoshoots. Her writing focuses on positive sexuality, and her goal is to educate people on safe sex, kinks, and accepting your whole personality. Maze wants to see a world where no one will be frowned upon for expressing themselves or their hobbies.

Erotica: The Recording Session

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Jamie sighed and rested her temple against her thumbs for a moment, glad the singer’s booth didn’t have a line of sight to the booth. Fucking singers, man. They all pranced in here thinking they could knock out a vocal track in under half an hour, surprised when their time stretched out closer to five hours. This one had been particularly frustrating, though they had just hit the two hour mark. She fully expected to need to put in several more today on this project, just working with this singer. She smirked slightly as she acknowledged the time, knowing her pay for the day would be quite sufficient to soothe the headache, not to mention the extra enjoyment she got from the consensual degradation they were quite literally paying her for.

She could almost do this in her sleep. Pressing the intercom button as she cringed to hear the out-of-tune pitches coming out of that girl’s mouth, she used her driest tone of voice, “I’m going to start this section over and we’re both going to pretend you never made those sounds.” She released the button momentarily for effect, then slowly levered a fingernail down on it again, “In fact, just do it twenty more times. Maybe then I’ll get some usable material.”

She smiled, queuing up the other tracks again for a few more runs, crossing her legs to enjoy the tingle she got from getting to be totally honest for a living. She made some corrections and helpful coaching suggestions between takes, since she couldn’t just give the degradation the whole time, even though her excellent reputation might be able to take the heat that might bring. After the seventh, she engaged the intercom again. “Well, look at that, you managed it in seven. Here I thought we’d need twenty. I’ve pulled the best and inserted it into the full audio file. Come on out and have a listen.” Jamie considered tossing a “good job” but after two hours and not even being through the second verse, figured it wouldn’t come off as sincere anyhow. Fair enough. It wouldn’t have been.

Barbie emerged from the booth. The name truly fit. She had blonde hair, blue eyes, and a body that would definitely be marketable from a producer’s standpoint. She could have dressed casually for a studio session, jeans or yoga pants, but she wore a tiny lightweight skirt that barely flared past the crease in her assumably pert derriere paired with a shirt cut low enough to emphasize her generous breasts. She also happened to be just about the sweetest client who’d ever come in for a session, with plenty of someone’s money to spend. Maybe Daddy, who knew? She had patiently put up with all of Jamie’s brusque prodding and blunt critiques, continuing to take notes and improve. She came out and took a seat on the couch for the listen-through. The pitches were all working finally, but Jamie knew the issue was something else. The song was definitely looking to sell sex, and it was a barely covered innuendo that fit the girl’s body and outfit, but didn’t seem to match her personality.

“May I ask a personal question?” Jamie inquired. At Barbie’s bubbly nod, she continued. “How are you feeling about this? I usually recommend clients produce pieces that fit their personalities, but I get the impression this one may not quite fit you. Are you sure this is the direction you’re wanting to go?”

Barbie scootched forward on the couch, exposing more of her bare legs, cocking her head slightly. “I’m not certain I understand what you mean,” she said.

Jamie felt a little uncomfortable having to explain, but pushed ahead anyhow. She opened with her characteristic straightfowardness. “This song is very sexual,” she said slowly and carefully, almost as if speaking to a child, somehow feeling as if she were explaining sex to someone who really ought to know what it is. “The energy I feel from you,” she continued, waving her hand vaguely in the air to elaborate, “is more of a bubbly, happy energy. This song lacks a major piece it needs to give it the punch you’re looking for. You need to tap into a whole different kind of energy if this is the kind of thing you’re looking to convey. It needs to drip sex, and every sound you make should be steeped in it. Breathing should sound like moans or pants, and your voice should have moments where it’s a little breathy from sexual excitement.”

Barbie’s bubbly expression shifted a bit to something Jamie couldn’t quite get a read on. Not anger, but, “So you’re saying I should be more sexual?” Barbie’s words interrupted Jamie’s attempts at reading her expression. Somehow, she’d slowed down her arm movement, seeming a bit lazier. The voice had dropped as well, sounding a little huskier.

Jamie laughed. “Well don’t waste it on me, if you’ve got it.” It sounded slightly dismissive, intentionally. “Take it to the booth and see if you can get it there.” She turned back to the sound board, making adjustments for the next take, when she caught a glimpse of Barbie in her peripherals. She was bending over next to the couch, straight legged, unbuckling her strappy sandals. It was suddenly obvious to Jamie that Barbie wasn’t wearing any panties, so she took a moment to enjoy the view of the now confirmed as pert derriere and what appeared to be a rather pinkened and aroused bare cunt. Barbie straightened slowly after slipping off her shoes, tossing her hair back and meeting Jamie’s eyes with a hint of challenge. Jamie didn’t even try to pretend she hadn’t been watching. Dismissive and degrading were clearly working for both of them.

Barbie walked back to the vocal booth, though to Jamie’s mind, walking wasn’t an entirely sufficient word to express the way she moved. It was almost a glide, but rolling hips and dragging toes somehow made breasts and ass more prominent and noticeable. She shut the door of the booth and positioned herself in front of the mic again. Jamie queued up the musical tracks and started another take, only to stop it before the first verse was done. She gleefully poked the intercom button with her middle finger. “If you’re going to do this without the slut shoes, I’m going to have to adjust your mic to the new height, otherwise the sound quality isn’t going to match. Either that, or you’re going to need to put them back on if you don’t want to sit on the stool.”

Barbie spoke her response into the microphone, requesting the adjustment. Jamie headed back and stepped into the booth with the singer, realizing the buxom blonde was an inch shorter than her without the heels. Barbie took a linger step backwards to allow Jamie space to step in to make the adjustments, brushing what Jamie suddenly realized were erect nipples casually across her arm with the movement. Jamie smirked to herself, knowing it was likely a calculated move. This session was beginning to get a lot more interesting. She made the adjustments to the equipment and stepped backwards to allow Barbie to move in and do a height check, nipples magically brushing her again. With everything lining up, Jamie headed back to the booth, hoping to utilize some of that sexual tension Barbie had started building to lay down a track they’d both be pleased with.

They took it from the top. “Look, you’re oozing sex at me now, and that’s awesome,” Jamie said bluntly into her board mic, “but I want you to channel all of that into this song. Whatever you need in your head to get it there is up to you, I’m just here to get the best performance out of you we can possibly get.”

Jamie had already hit record when Barbie responded in a breathy voice, dripping with sexual invitation as requested, “You can’t tell me you didn’t watch every second of my bare pussy when you had the chance. You can tell all those things you’ve said have me aroused.” Perfect. She’d clip that later for the unedited outro that only appeared on the album track.

Too bad the sing through was a starting point rather than the final sex-filled sound she wanted. She sighed. Clearly this one required a little more hand-on encouragement than she usually preferred. Poking the button again, she made sure to add a smidge of disdain. “Whatever you’re thinking clearly isn’t good enough. Apparently even throwing yourself at me like a common slut isn’t good enough. Now we’re going to try it my way.” She hit record on her way past, grabbed the stool and marched it back to the booth. She gestured dismissively to indicate Barbie move and placed the stool in front of the microphone.

“Sit, slut,” she commanded. Barbie’s eyes glowed almost luminously and she obediently complied. “Nipples,” Jamie said, gesturing vaguely. Barbie slid her hands up and pinched them, hard. Interesting, Jamie mused, since she wasn’t really giving much command. They were already erect, and the pinching was likely quite enjoyable to her, given her gasps and moans. “How slutty are you, really?” Jamie asked. “Do you want to show me?” Barbie moaned with full throat and pulled her shirt off, the nipples on beautiful breasts fully erect and straining. She looked up with a coy expression, fluttering eyelashes as she slid the hem of her skirt over her thighs to expose that bare cunt. She slowly spread her legs to reveal that it was even more flushed than before, swollen and dark pink, eager little clit just as erect as the nipples. Jamie could see the wetness glistening there, and a part of her longed to slide hands over the sensitive flesh. She stood watching dispassionately, though. Clearly the game was in the disinterest, and Jamie could play that game like a champ.

“Do you want to touch yourself?” she asked, sounding almost bored by the thought. Barbie breathed a yes. “Don’t you dare,” Jame snapped. She could visibly see Barbie’s cunt swell and tremble at the words. “I don’t want your filthy cunt juice on the equipment. Now let’s try it again. I’d hate to have to open the studio door and let the other execs see what a complete whore you are. Maybe if you’re good I’ll let you come afterwards.” She stalked back to the booth, leaving the vocal door open so she could see Barbie half-naked and spread on the stool.

The take was perfect. Jamie knew it would be. She didn’t tell Barbie via intercom, though. She walked back to the booth and asked what reward she wanted for being such a good girl. Turns out she got paid to sit on Barbie’s face and finger that beautiful sopping wet cunt. Ain’t showbiz grand?

Scene Safety in Mixed Venue Environments

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As time goes on money gets tighter and clubs dedicated to BDSM only are becoming more scarce or harder to get into. As a result, mixed venue environments are being used more often for events, gatherings, and play parties. Mixed venue environments are places which may be kink friendly but are not solely dedicated to BDSM such as swingers clubs, kink friendly bars/nightclubs, or any other place where we can reasonably believe the crowd around where we will be playing comes from differing lifestyles.

There are plenty of safety considerations when deciding on the type of play and setup for a scene in these environments, it all hinges on forethought and preparation. Stand-off distance, equipment choice/availability, crowd movement around the play space, crowd monitoring, and crowd composition are some of the considerations when setting the scene and deciding on the type of scene you will be running.

Playing Where Not Everyone Knows the Etiquette

“People should know to stay out of our way,” is often the attitude of my fellow Lifestylers who are not as accustomed to working in mixed venues. Except a good portion of the crowd will likely not know the safety standards, may be drinking or using other intoxicants, and likely do not understand the needs of the players for unencumbered space for everyone’s safety, including their own. What we often take for granted, others are naïve of.

Recently I attended a kink night at a swingers club. This was a common event once a month (my first time there) and many of the kink players there were not familiar with the space as they had changed the setup of their “dungeon.” What was previously a fairly open and lighted space was now a tight, crowded, poorly lit area. So overcrowded with equipment it restricted players in ways they might not normally have to deal with in a dedicated dungeon. In addition, as aforementioned, there were plenty of intoxicated people around to throw a wrench in the works.

A spanking bench was set up dead center in a 20’ x25’ “dungeon” surrounded by a set of stocks, two St. Andrews Crosses, a medical table, flogging post, and a rather large snake looking things which I have no name for. There were no dungeon monitors to prevent anyone from encroaching on play. Out in another area there were two suspension rigs hanging above the dance floor barely ten feet apart without any cordon around the space to keep people at a distance.

To those who might not know better, it might look like a very cool set up. However, the reality was this space was ripe for someone becoming injured, including bystanders. As a result, players were unable to freely engage in activity without being constantly encroached on; no suspensions happened but plenty of rather loopy people walked up and started using the steel suspension rings like a jungle gym to the chagrin of the two rope tops trying to get something going; and actual scenes were few. But plenty of people brought budget toys to go after each other in manners I would rather not describe. Not a single first aid kit was in sight.

I did speak with the venue owners later in the evening to express my concerns. To their credit, they were more than willing to help make changes in the future to improve both safety and the ability to play. They just did not know what they did not know. Not their fault, but I am surprised no one had taken them aside before and had this conversation.

Before I go farther, I am not blaming anyone. There are a vast number of people entering kink who simply do not know and have not seen what can happen when things go wrong. I am just focusing on what I was able to determine as potential problem areas and try to address how to play safer in similar venues should you choose to attend one.

The new reality for many of us is we must learn to work within the spaces available to us for our kinky gatherings. Whether we like it or not. For some, they are the only spaces available to them.

About Some of the Considerations.

Stand-off distance: Depending on the space available, we may not be able to run a scene with a single-tail or other long implements. How much room is available will drive, partially, the type of toys we may be able to use. Or we may get to where we are setting up and have to change what we have planned. Bring options so you can adjust as needed. We need the length of our implement, plus the length of our arm, plus 18 inches for a minimum safe distance regarding swing path (from where we will be standing, not from the center of the furniture in use). There also needs to be at least four feet around where our bottom will be so no one can reach in and touch them.

If possible, we should border the play space with rope or tape at waist height to create our standoff. If this is not possible, we might have to get creative with how to create the standoff. Or enlist the help of a couple other players to DM for you, and in turn, DM for them to help keep the look-e-loos at bay.

Equipment/Furniture: Whether you bring your own, or the kink furniture is being provided, it all takes up space. Where it is placed within the play space and what angle it is placed can maximize your room available without having to impinge on the rest of the venue. Regardless of what we want, it is not likely the space provided for play will be able to be expanded (indoors) and your choice of implement may need to change accordingly.  

Mixed venue spaces are geared more for the social, than they are for play. There may be other impediments such as tables and chairs, a bar, couches etc. which may limit where we can move kink furniture. Coordinating with local management to set up a play space for a limited time may or may not be an option, but it does not hurt to ask.

Crowd Movement Around the Play Space: Pay attention to the major routes of movement around your potential space. Which way are people traveling? Where are they going? Is it a route to essential services such as restrooms, a first aid station, or (chuckles) the bar? If you are able, pick a play space, or set up the play space so people only need to move on one side or another. Again, keep in mind your backswing area and over travel area for certain types of toys.

At one mixed venue club we attend regularly, our group takes over an elevated stage which is just about the right amount of room for a spank bench or horse and enough standoff to conduct flogging. Being bordered on three sides by couches (occupied by our friends) we are able to control the space fairly well.

Crowd Monitoring: We may need not just a Dungeon Monitor but someone to pay attention to what the crowd is doing. Often others in the immediate area will not understand what they are seeing and may try to encroach on the space in one way or another. The DM must have the ability to watch both play and monitor the crowd. In some cases, there may need to be more than one DM for the scene. Regardless, our DM needs to have the understanding that many of the people around them, do not know what is safe, needed, or expected. The ability to keep a cool head and explain things calmly will help greatly.

Crowd Composition: Let’s face it, some of the play we can get into can seem pretty rough, if not actually rough, to the uneducated observer.  Edge type play in a mixed venue is probably not a good idea. Knives, hook suspensions, scat, piss, roman showers, blood etc. can get the average Joe or Jane all worked up and upset. Giving consideration to the crowd you will be in front of, can prevent Joe/Jane from having the compelling need to save your bottom from you and putting your DM in a bad position. Not saying you cannot do these and other things, just saying you should think about it first and plan accordingly.

Be Open to Questions: After the scene, when appropriate for you, be willing to answer questions for those who are curious. This is your opportunity to talk about not just the scene, but why things were set up the way they were, etiquette, as well as other points we simply take for granted. Remember, they likely do not know, be kind.

Final Thoughts

We all want to have the safest play possible, have successful events, and forward a good impression of kink, BDSM, and our Lifestyle. A little extra time and planning can help make that happen. How we conduct our play in mixed venues gives us the ability to be good kink ambassadors. We can show through our actions, how we handle onlookers, and answering questions that kink is more than just slapping people around and skull fucking.

There is always a way to have our fun in these environments, we just have to be flexible about it. So go out and get your kink on!

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1

Your Kink Is Not My Kink But That’s OK

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Ask any clustered group of kinksters what their rules are and you’ll get a variety of responses. Some may talk about what they restrict or their version of dungeon etiquette. One of our biggest places of disagreement lies in those details. However, there is one thing most everyone can agree on: as long as the parties involved are able to consent, kinksters should be free to do whatever “their thing” is without judgement. By able to consent, of course, that leaves three very important groups out of our kinking: anyone under the age of consent; anyone whose ability to give consent is impaired, such as by drugs, alcohol, or a disability which would impact that function; and animals, who cannot speak to give consent. Often, those who have been around a while may assume this understanding is a natural one for anyone coming into the kink community, but it is always important to clearly state these things rather than to assume others come equipped with the knowledge.

Start talking about things like SSC and the fights break out. Sure safe, sane, and consensual is a way to handle your kink business. Others will argue that half this stuff isn’t sane, so they follow RACK (risk aware consensual kink). I personally prefer RASH, an acronym a friend shared with me, which stands for risk aware, shit happens. Because it does. We’re still all pretty much on board with that consensual word.

So now that we’ve got a clear understanding of who cannot consent to our kinky fun, and that consent is key to all this, anything else goes, right? Well, sure, except I can’t tell you how often I see judgement from people coming into kink spaces. Maybe that judgement is towards a specific kink in a negative way – I see this sometimes with people dealing with littles and those who participate in ABDL. I believe that acronym stands for adult baby diaper lover, though this is not an area I specialize in, so my apologies if I have used incorrect terminology. Y’all get the gist, though. Those groups can often feel separated from the rest of the kink community because others have a preconceived notion of what that kink entails and have decided it’s “icky.” They aren’t the only ones who corner the market on receiving judgement. For a bunch of people who say we’re open-minded and accepting, kinksters can be among the judgiest of judgy bastards. Rainbow play (vomit), scat, feet, clowns, consensual non-consent (CNC), needles, a ball gag made of teeth, whatever it is, many people have something they may privately need to get a cookie when it happens at an event AND THAT’S 100% OKAY. I want to be very clear. No one should ever feel forced to watch or participate in anything that may upset, disturb, or trigger them. Again, to be clear, I use the word triggered as in a to trigger a PTSD response, not as in taking offense, though if something may be offensive, that is another good reason to step away from a scene and visit the kitchen for a cookie. Or a snack. Or go outside for a smoke. Or whatever someone needs to do to provide self care.

What isn’t okay is to stand around saying belittling things about others’ kinks, whether that’s while watching a scene in a dungeon or talking to someone on the internet. There should only be one question: is it consensual by all participants. If the answer is yes, don’t say anything if you don’t like it, just walk away. Don’t type out how abusive someone’s partner is for whatever was done in that photo on Fet. Keep that shit to yourself. You may have some kink others feel the same way about. Do you want to come to a community where you should be safe to do all those delightfully deviant things we all say we’re here for without overhearing someone say “Ew, gross” in the midst of it? I do.  I love the feeling of safety I have to be my authentic self within the kink community.  If hearing Judgy McJudgerson yuck your kinks sounds fun to you, in that case you can get that from Vanilla World™, or negotiate for someone to do that consensually. The rest of us prefer to kink in peace without a Karen telling the manager we should be removed for being icky.

PSA: This goes for polyamory, too. Stop judging others for how they set up their relationships. The only time it is your business is when you’ve been invited to be part of it, and then you have every right to choose not to engage with someone you don’t feel practices the style of poly which works for you.

Remember, people, we’re all fellow humans trying to walk paths which aren’t always well-traversed. Show grace and acceptance to others. Or, to sum up, don’t be a dick.

Here endith the lesson.