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Using BDSM To Cope With Trauma

January 17, 2021 By VICE 2 Comments

Many folks have found therapeutic benefits to practicing BDSM.

We, at KinkWeekly, have published many articles on just that.

Click below to find out more about how BDSM can aide with the effects of being a trauma survivor!

***Please note, that BDSM is usually not the only thing needed to treat the effects of trauma. BDSM can help, but is usually not the only therapeutic modality needed.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo4mF-17lVQ

Tagged With: anxiety, bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, fetish, kink, mental health, ptsd, trauma

Communications Methods For Kinksters

January 17, 2021 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

poly family, ethical non-monogamy
via stock.adobe.com

For the majority of the time I have been involved in the lifestyle, there has been a common theme amongst kinksters.  It is the belief that communication in the cornerstone of BDSM.  Anytime newer individuals ask for advice, we tend to repeat the same mantra.  

Communicate. Communicate. Communicate.

Kink, and BDSM, allow us to delve deep into our darkest desires.  It often can leave you vulnerable and sometimes a little broken.  It can be cathartic when done right and dangerous when done wrong.  You can laugh and cry.  You can scream or moan.  You can curse, and growl, and talk in tongues.  You can be anything you want to be and do anything you want to do (within the lines of consent).

However, to get to a place of trust and security, to which you can achieve these things, you must communicate.

Unfortunately, I think there is one aspect we, as seasoned kinksters, often overlook when offering this kind of advice.

What happens if you don’t know how?  

What if you have learned (through past trauma) that your thoughts and opinions don’t matter?  What if you were trained to obey and never question?  What if you have low self-esteem and do not know how to express yourself to a partner?  Why if you are shy? What if your knowledge is limited and you do not know how to ask for help? What if you are overwhelmed by the endless possibilities?  

What if you cannot figure out how to navigate the commonplace answer that tells you, “kink is what you make it and it is never the same for two people?”  (And yes, while I agree this is an accurate description, it does nothing to help new individuals who are reaching out for advice).

How do you communicate?

My family has faced these challenges.  In fact, for the last year, we have had such a breakdown in communication with one partner, it has threatened the strength and security with our other partners.   

Three of us have learned to communicate.  We have learned to talk to each other logically.  We have learned to listen.  We know how to barter and negotiate.  We know how to trust.

We assumed our other partner knew how to as well.  We have learned, quite painfully, that they have not learned to express themselves in the same way that we do.  Our communication methods do not match, and because of that, we have been at odds for a long time.

Through much trial and error, we have come up with alternative methods of communication.  While it sometimes takes more effort on our part to understand what is trying to be said, it has opened the pathways for better understanding.

I wanted to share some of these methods with you, just in case you have been where I am.

1. Journaling— write down your thoughts, questions, wants, needs, desires, problems, triumphs, dreams, and nightmares.  They do not need to make sense.  Write as chaotic as your mind is. Put your thoughts to paper so they stop cluttering up your mind. If you wish to later, you can refer to it.  You can choose to have a partner read it or keep it for yourself.  Writing everything down allows you to reflect on your thoughts and feelings when your mind is clearer.

**I find that journaling is a technique often used in a D/s dynamic.  Master required I journal as well.  He rarely read it.  However, he wanted me to be able to track my own growth.  He still has me refer to it from time to time, just to see my own strength of character as well as how my own interests have changed/shaped my development as His submissive.

2) Writing/Emailing/Texting—I referenced writing above as a more “old-school” journaling aspect.  However, I am aware of how everything has turned digital now.  Regardless of what medium we use, sometimes it is just easier to not look someone in the face when you talk to them.  Whether you struggle to formulate your thoughts or experience anxiety when your words may upset a partner, writing it out, in any format listed above, gives you time to put the thoughts together concisely.  It allows you to add or remove bits and pieces until you are satisfied with what it is you are trying to say.  You can use it to express everything or just to get the conversation started.  It is a wonderful way to work up to face-to-face conversations.

**I do caution against relying solely on written communication.  It is often hard to read moods in text form and is negates the option of reading body language completely.  Both of those are important forms of communication for humans.

3) Share your playlist— have you ever had a song just resonate with you?  One that comes to mean more than just another song on the radio.  I have.  I use this method often.  I send the lyric videos so that they can read the words as they listen.  Most often, the genre of music doesn’t matter, it’s the message behind the music.

**If you need an example, go to YouTube and search “control” by Zoe Wees.  You will get a small glimpse into my mind.

**If you need a second example, search out “A little Piece of Heaven” by Avenged Sevenfold (it is definitely NSFW).  For those of you who follow my writings, you will remember a scene I wrote that involved listening to a song because it incites rage within me.  This is that song.

4) Be Clear Headed— Never discuss anything under the influence of high emotions.  Take a breather.  Come back to it when you are calm.  The same principle applies to any mind-altering substances.  Alcohol and recreational drugs can also cloud your judgement and will not aide in solving any issues that arise.

5) Listen— Sometimes all you need to do to communicate is to listen.  If everyone is trying to be heard, but nobody listens, nothing changes.  Listen, repeat back what you understand, rinse and repeat until you reach an understanding.

6) Recognize the Right to Privacy— There are things you discuss with one person, that may need to stay between just you two.  That is understandable.  We are adults.  This rule does more often apply to poly relationships but can refer to individuals who have multiple play partners, Service Tops, Friends with Benefits, or has an ex that they stay in contact with for whatever reason.

**Keep in mind, anything that is a danger to yourself or others should not be kept private.  It should be shared with the necessary individuals (such as doctors, police, etc) who can provide the help that person may need.  This is also true when talking about fluid bonding and the risks for STIs.

7) Patience— Remember, everyone processes things differently.  Some individuals may need you to repeat yourself, reword a sentence, or explain a definition.  This does not reflect badly on either one of you.  It simply means you each need to have care in how you say things.

8) Separate Topics– Keep the “good job” conversations separate from the “this needs work” ones.  Avoid the word “but” when possible.  

Example: 

I’m glad you did this but…

Thank you for that but….

You are such a good girl but….

I know you tried but…

**Each of these sentences will simply bring your partner down.  If your partner already struggles with anxiety, low self-esteem, or mental health issues, this may lead them to just shut down and stop communicating all together.  

An Alternative Example:

I appreciate your help with the laundry today.  I wanted to make sure you are aware that we wash clothes on “cold” to prevent them from shrinking.

  • This is a legit conversation I had to have with someone.  They tried to do something nice by helping with the laundry.  My favorite shirt was dyed pink and half my clothes shrunk because they washed the load on hot.  I also ended up with an allergic reaction because they used the wrong detergent.  This does not negate that their heart was in the right place.  So, I thanked them and then calmly informed them of what to do the next time to prevent such issues.  While this may not be a major issue in your home, these principles can be applied to almost any situation.

This is, by no means, a comprehensive list.  Communication is about two (or more) people sharing what is in their mind.  It is about listening and understanding.  Whether you are negotiating a kinky scene or figuring out what is for dinner, communication is key.  Regardless of how well some of us read body language and anticipate your needs, we are not mind readers.  If you do not know what you want and need, we won’t know either.

Take what you will from these options.  In the end, it doesn’t really matter how you communicate.  It simply matters that you are.


My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Tagged With: bdsm communication, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, communication, consent, negotiation, play partner, poly dating, poly relationships, polyamory

Building A Flogger

January 17, 2021 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

sex toys
via stock.adobe.com

When I began building floggers, I didn’t have the benefit of learning from anyone how to do it.  I spent time searching out various tutorials, print and video, and got frustrated.  What I had in my head wasn’t what I was seeing anywhere.  Much like when I cook, I had to take what I saw as the best parts of lots of different recipes, keeping the necessary ingredients while making the taste my own.

Locals in our community have opportunities to craft implements with me on occasion, when I’ve offered a course, complete with leather, tools and guidance.  I always promise them their first will turn out light years better than mine did – some goodwill sweatpants cut into strips and glued on a piece of dowel.

How I build

I start by deciding what I want my flogger to feel like (see my prior articles for more information about that).  Suffice to say, the amount and texture of the leather I use will depend greatly on what I’ve decided.

Once I’ve decided what the feel should be, I examine my larger piece of leather to determine where the size piece I have chosen will best fit.  Sometimes the size of the larger piece will force my hand, if it has limitations.  

Once I have cut my piece or pieces away from the larger hide, I often switch my focus to the handle.  Braiding works best in multiples of four, so if I’m going to braid the handle I need to find leather scrap long enough to cut into strips that will braid well.  If I’m stitching, I measure with a great deal more exactness, cutting a rectangle the precise size I will need to fully cover my handle.  Waxed thread works best with leather, though I will occasionally wax my own so I can customize my options a little better.

Handle complete, I create the section of falls.  I know some people will use a piece of leather the length of their handle, then split falls off, but I prefer about an inch of overlap from the base of the handle rather than wrapping the full length.  I measure twice down the row, marking my future cuts with tailor’s chalk.  It turns out chalk works well on most leathers, since it just rubs off easily.  I advise students to measure from the same side when they mark, to avoid slanted cuts if the body of their piece is uneven.

Once falls are marked and cut, I use glue on the band of the fall section and wrap it around the base of the handle.  For most, upholstery tacks finish that portion.  Some may want to upgrade to knotwork over their fall section, but that’s done more easily with a video tutorial.  There are some excellent ones on YouTube, though I personally find Viper’s video tutorial to be the best out there.  I believe he has them for sale in his etsy shop.

The handle strap is next, and I often cut the strap, end cap circle and covering wrap all at once.  Some people think the end strap is for your wrist.  I’ll agree to disagree with those folks.  I build mine shorter, clearly hanging straps, though I can make them longer for those who request that.  This top section can also be covered with knotwork for those who prefer, or finished with tacks as well.

The one thing I emphasize is that the devil is in the details.  My wraps start from the same side of the handle.  I position hanging loop straps equidistant from what I determine is a centerline on the handle.  I make sure diamonds in braided handles line up, and stitching is in a straight line rather than wandering.  

When my students finish, I warn them about set times for their glue.  Test swings are one thing, but attempting a full scene with an implement whose glue hasn’t finished curing can lead to things shifting or even coming apart.  They don’t always listen, but at least I gave them the information.

I believe building implements for one’s own bag is a skill everyone can learn.  What I have noticed, however, is that those who spend the time to try it once begin to appreciate the pricing of handcrafted implements a little more.  They come to understand the time and effort which goes into the creation of each piece.  


Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, floggers, flogging, impact play

Transitioning To The BDSM Lifestyle

January 10, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

naked male sub bound
via stock.adobe.com

I was speaking to a woman who said she wanted to explore BDSM.  She claimed to be a total newbie, although I doubted it.  Nevertheless, she asked me a question that I thought would be great for the ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com . So without any covid-19 talk for a change, here is her question.

Reader:  I AM A VANILLA WHO HAS BEEN READING A LOT ABOUT BDSM.  IT EXCITES AND INTRIGUES ME.  BUT WHEN I ACTUALLY TRY ANYTHING – EVEN THE MOST RUDEMENTARY SELF BONDAGE — I GET VERY DEPRESSED.  FURTHERMORE, I MET A REAL TIME DOMME ONLINE AND WHEN SHE TRIED TO INSTRUCT ME AND PERFORM SOME ROPE TIES, I STARTED TO CRY. SHE LIVES NEAR ME BUT I HAVE AVOIDED RE-MEETING HER. AM I JUST A WRONGF FIT FOR BDSM?  AM I DOOMED TO LIVE IN THE VANILLA WORLD.  HELPPPP!

They say everything has a purpose. Surely your internal being (for want of a better term) wants you to “improve” on your vanilla life.  And it appears that you want to “transition” from your vanilla lifestyle to one that appeals to you.  Most of us here have had to make that transition; very few of us are born “Oh great and wonderful Master or Mistress.”

And many here have not made this transition without some pain or doubt.  Fortunately, most of us were able to interact with lifestylers in the many social events that most cities offer.  Instead of social events, we have social distancing.  Not a good formula for making a smooth journey from vanilla to BDSM.  Add into that, you have given me little information as to your vanilla situation; I know not whether you are single or married, whether you have freedom to explore and other important life factors.  But I can give you some general advice that you can build on, so when the social aspects of this lifestyle return, you will be ready and not crying. (Unless crying is part of a scene or play.)  I will offer a half dozen essential questions that you should answer to facilitate your entrance into the real time world of BDSM.

  1. Are you depending on BDSM to be an escape from your current malaise?  Answer: I would not put all your escape eggs in one basket.  Examine your vanilla life and try to see the good in it so that you don’t approach BDSM out of  a sense of desperation.
  1. Don’t ask your vanilla friends for advice nor tell them you are going “bondage.” I once told an acquaintance that I was exploring BDSM.  He replied, “So you beat up your girlfriend?” Misconceptions abound, especially about this kinky world.  Best to keep it to yourself unless you find a vanilla friend of a similar mindset to you.  I might add that your soaking up all these misconceptions that fill the media could surface when someone flogs you or ties you up.  This could be the reason for your tears.
  1. Why throw away my support system? In this hypothetical example, you are not; you are merely electing to not use your vanilla friends (except for the occasional one who understands you deeply) as your support system.  Over time, you will find like minded people to emotionally ground you.  Best adage/advice: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.”  This transition will take time.
  1. Use this “no fun” respite to study as much as you can.  Learn about yourself.  Are you a Domme or a sub or a switch?  What play  excites you the most?  Are you into pain?  As Socrates wrote, “Know thyself.”  As BaadMaster opines, “Use Google.”  
  1. Important: analyze the play that brought you to tears.  For example, you might have had a bad experience in “vanilla choking”, thus being choked in a scene might bring out bad – or even unconscious — memories that make you cry.  Go over all the scenes you plan and avoid activities that make you uncomfortable.  You are under no obligation to try everything nor do things against your judgment – whether you are a Domme or sub.
  1. Finally, in the “I can’t believe BaadMaster recommends” advice, I would ask you to rent “Fifty Shades of Grey”  Granted it is very fanciful; the BDSM is often idiotic.  But it will put you in the mood for your new bondage adventures.  And it is always good for a laugh or two.

In closing, being a woman navigating a new lifestyle is tough enough, even if you have a support system.  And soon, I hope, when the dungeons and the socials re-open, you will find new friends and a new support system.  For now, following my six principles should make your transition a smooth one.


After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, bdsm toys, bottom, breath play, dominant, fetish, impact play, kink, power exchange, Spanking, submissive, Top

This week in kink: January 11, 2020

January 10, 2021 By Dexx 2 Comments

Feeling lonely and isolated during the pandemic?

Want to meet more people?

Then, check out this awesome list of the best hook-up sites from Reader!

Top 20+ Hookup Sites That Actually Work (2021 Edition)
Looking for casual sex? A one night stand? Here are over 20 legit hookup sites that actually get you laid and you can try for free!
Chicago Reader

Many think that being a kinkster is linked to trauma. However, a recent scientific study has disbanded this ideology.

Click below to read more from Big Think!

Study shatters the myth that BDSM is linked to early-life trauma
No, being interested in BDSM does not mean you had a traumatic childhood.
Big Think

BDSM has become more normalized in recent years (key word being “more.” In a lot of areas it’s still not widely accepted, and is still viewed as deviant/taboo).

With this being said, Feminism in India touches on the normalization of kink, feminism, dominance/submission, history, and how this all relates to the expression of sexuality, gender, and the current political climate.

Click below to find out more!

We Need To Talk About The Normalisation Of BDSM | Feminism In India
BDSM is an acoronym that is broken down in three categories, Bondage-Discipline (B/D), Dominant -Submission (D/S), Sadism/Machoism (S/M).
Feminism In India

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm news, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, dominant, feminism, fetish, gender, history, kink, Kink Research, pornhub, psychology, Science, sex, sex research, sexual fantasy, sexual safety, sexuality, submissive, trauma

The Importance Of Aftercare

January 3, 2021 By PirateStan 3 Comments

sex toys
via stock.adobe.com

When negotiating a scene, an aspect which can often be forgotten (especially with new people) is aftercare. It can be entirely too easy to overlook, as it can often seem as such a natural cap, good or bad. Why would you possibly need to discuss it ahead of time; it’ll just happen, right?

But no, it might not. Also there’s more than one way to aftercare, and not everybody’s going to agree on what’s right or wrong. And there’re some for whom aftercare isn’t even necessary.

Aftercare, for the record, is the physical/emotional cartaking that occurs after a scene, usually for the sub, but also for the Dom. It can vary in intimacy and intensity depending on the relationship between the two, the intensity of the scene, or simply the overall environment.

But why is aftercare necessary? Because a BDSM scene tends to be an intense, superchaged, and traumatic experience, especially for the sub. Sure, it’s usually cathartic as well, but it can still put someone through the wringer; sort of how running a few miles can make you feel great, but you’ll still need that period of cooldown (and maybe a shower) before you can feel relatively back to normal.

Again, different people, different scenes, can require different sorts of aftercare. But a good rule of thumb involves a few simple checkpoints:

– Check everyone over for physical injuries that need to be tended to immediately. There may be cuts that need bandaging, bruises that require icing, or burns that require salves. While I’ve never personally had a scene this physically intense, YMMV. 

– Support them (as they may be shaky), walking them to an area where you can both sit together, snuggling as needed. They’ll probably need a blanket to wrap themselves up with. Be certain to have water handy.

– Sit quietly until they come back to the land of the living. Even if they’ve been happily ensconced in subspace they’ll need varying degrees of time to return to reality.

– Once they’re lucid, engage them in some light conversation. Perhaps discuss the scene about what you both liked and disliked. But don’t expect any heavy conversation at this point.

– Finally, get both of yourselves dressed and clean up your playspace (if you haven’t had someone to do this for you already). Now’s a good time to hit the buffet or the fridge, as some people are absolutely ravenous after a good scene. And always be sure that you both hydrate!

– Later you may want to chat further and in-depth regarding your scene together. I’ve found these sorts of conversations to be extremely helpful.

– The next day, call or send a text to see how they’re doing. Even if you’re not trying to set up a long-term relationship, this is the sort of followup you really should engage in, so tell them ahead of time and see that they’re alright with it. Many subs aren’t aware of the sort of subdrop they’ll face the day after a scene. Different sorts of foods can help alleviate this (chocolate is often a good one).

Of course, there are many variants on all this. The time required can be anywhere from five to 30 minutes (or more). Some people require little to no aftercare (although the latter is very rare in my experience). Sometimes there’s a third party involved who’ll take on some or all of the aftercare duties (such as a Dom or Master of their own). And depending on the intimacy of the couple, some parts may be omitted, or become much more intense.

Regardless of how you do it, aftercare is an extremely important part of any scene, and should always be a critical part of your negotiations. 


PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication. 

Tagged With: aftercare, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm scene, communication, consent, fetish, Kink Community, mental health, negotiation, sex, sexual safety, SSC

This week in kink: December 14, 2020

December 12, 2020 By Dexx 2 Comments

So many folks have had their worlds turned upside down due to the pandemic. This has left many feeling like nothing is in their control and hopeless.

Because of this, Tracey Anne Duncan writes about how BDSM can help us gain back a sense of control during these trying times.

Click below to read more!

Could BDSM be the antidote to our pandemic-fueled loss of control?
This past year has been a harsh mistress, indeed. It’s near impossible to feel any sense of control when it seems like some world-altering thing could happen at any moment. At the beginning of the pandemic, some people found a sense of agency by…
Mic

Kink and BDSM, for many, are so much more than something sexy to do!

There have been a lot of mental and emotional benefits experienced by those that are in the lifestyle.

BDSM can help reduce anxiety, chronic pain, improve mood, and so much more!

Click below to read more about this from Refinery29!

"Kink Helped My Mental Health". The Healing Benefits Of BDSM
"I felt so free, it was amazing."
www.refinery29.com

More often than not, submission and feminism are not thought to go hand in hand.

We here at KinkWeekly feel it’s important to talk about these topics and explore all sides of how they might go together and might oppose each other.

Everything is about the grey after all!

Click below to explore these intriguing topics further with Feminism in India!

Kinky Promise: Does My Sexual Submission Make Me A Bad Feminist?

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm scene, coronavirus, feminism, fetish, kink, Kink Community, mental health, pandemic, quarantine, submission

Video: Why Do I Like BDSM?

December 12, 2020 By DesiresLaidBare 2 Comments

New to scene?

Curious why you’re drawn to the BDSM lifestyle?

Want to hear other kinksters talk about their experiences?

Then, don’t miss this week’s video by Desires Laid Bare!

Why Do I Like BDSM

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, bdsm toys, fetish, kink, Kink Community

My Kink Journey

December 5, 2020 By SafferMaster 4 Comments

mistress dominating male slave on leash
via stock.adobe.com

I first got exposed to what I refer to as “my darkness” when I was 16. I was a gymnast on tour in West  Berlin, a real liberal city in those days. Sex shops on every corner it seemed. I purchased a hard-core  porn magazine with straight up kink that included bondage. It also had long essays in the back. I read  and re-read one particular story that aroused me in ways I did not fully understand. It was a story about  a mother-daughter team of geisha girls who serviced their client together. The story described him  torturing the daughter’s breasts by pinching her nipples so hard she screamed while the mother tongue  fucked his ass and stroked his cock. The climax was him fucking the mother’s ass while she ate her  daughter’s pussy, and when he got close, she called out to him to “Hurry up and cum and then piss in  my ass before you lose your hard on.” I stroked my cock to that story thousands of times! I never  understood at the time that my fantasies around that story were really my first look into my own  darkness.  

At 17, I had a much more direct experience that caused me to experience direct arousal. I played footsie  with a girl, K, who sat in front of me in class. She would often masturbate in class while sitting on my  foot. One day she created a disturbance and was brought to the front of the class for punishment. She  got caned. She took her strokes without a word, and then, returning to her desk, she sat on my foot and  had a massive vocal orgasm that the class misunderstood as a cry of anguish. This awakened something  in me, although I’m clear that the glimpse into the darkness, was only a crack in my vanilla shell.  

At age 26 I married the preacher’s kid, and she was pure vanilla in bed. I found myself in my late 20’s  spending time reading the “Back-Page” personals of the local free papers where women and men were  very direct in their seeking posts. This was evident by them inviting hard core kink into their lives. I was  so intrigued and also quite envious. I talked to several of these women and found the conversations  seamless. I was naturally dominant and they soaked up my fantasies. Eventually my growing desire for  kink had me connect with a sub who got turned on by my fantasy about handcuffing her to the park  bench at the local university and using her repeatedly there. She invited me to meet her and to take her  home to give her a hard spanking with a wooden paddle. It was my first experience as a Dom. I saw her a  couple of times.  

Meanwhile, in my vanilla life, when we were packing to move our house, my wife found the toys I had  purchased in a bag that I had placed at the back of a file drawer in the garage. She confronted me right  there in the garage, and so I shared with her what I had done and why. She kink-shamed me and insisted  that I “Get rid of the toys.” I contacted the sub that I had played with and gave her a departing hug as I  handed her the toys I had only ever used in a scene with her. She was tearful at the moment, and  although I never saw her again, we kept in touch and I learned that she had connected with a Dom with  whom she was happy. Even though my wife kink-shamed me, she would ask me to tell her about the  play scenes I had engaged in with other women during our own foreplay. That is not to say that she  approved of me playing with other women. She also made it clear that she wasn’t interested in  exploring her sexuality in kink beyond fantasy. Kink was for other people.  

Over time, my darkness pulled me to seek out a variety of kinky experiences on a slightly more frequent  basis which had the natural impact of my wife and I drifting further and further apart as we became  estranged. Our divorce was the natural result of the space growing between us day-by-day. 

After the marriage was over, I had made the choice to explore the darkness. I was fortunate to  experience a truly kinky existence where I got to do whatever I wanted, with whom I wanted, as much  as I wanted, and as often as I wanted. I got really related to the darkness within, but I found the lack of  intimacy the key driving force in my ongoing search.  

That search led eventually to creating a 24/7 TPE dynamic in relationship with Lady Petra, with whom I  have a sex forward, deeply kinky and truly loving relationship.  

That’s the preamble to my thoughts about the role of kink in forming truly loving relationships.  

Here is the premise. As human beings, sex is one of the most powerful driving motivators of behavior.  It’s also true that sex is one of the primary sources of space between a couple. To put it another way,  conflict about sex causes couples to build distrust which gradually becomes contempt for one another.  Consider that it’s very common to have fantasies about other partners while engaging in sex with your  partner. It was true for me and it was certainly true for my wife as well. When we had sex, I would  always fantasize about my ideal kink scenarios which more often than not were scenes like the one I  read about all those years, or my high school experience watching K get caned, and (this is the important  part) I would never tell my wife about my fantasies. So as time passed, there was more and more space  between us. The less we talked about our deeply held sexual desires, the more inclined I was to seek  satisfaction outside of our marriage. On a gradient, more and more space developed between us. From  10,000 feet up, it was obvious, although in retrospect, the space was not even slightly visible to me at  the moment.  

I know now that as humans we live inside of stories. Stories about sexuality are deeply held self-beliefs.  We create self-talk like: “I am not …. enough” or “I can’t have …” etc. At any given moment, and because  we live inside of a story hidden from our view, we don’t realize that the story is driving the context of  our life. Even as the impacts mount, the reality is hidden from our view. Gaining access to this  information, that those self-beliefs give us context, was key for me to be able to create something new  like the dynamic that I have created with Lady Petra.  

What I have with her, is what we call a created relationship that is sourced in kink. Which means that in  the context of our sexuality we have regular and authentic conversations about what we like, what we  desire, and what we don’t like or want to experience. There is nothing wrong and she can ask or request  anything as can I. She creates me as her Dom, and I create her as my sub. This means that there is quite  literally no space between us that arises from unspoken sexual desire. We also have a commitment to  not allow any space to occur. Unspoken withholds are out of integrity. The result is that we are able to  ongoingly create unimpeded connection. The fact that we allow no space between us and that our  relatedness and connection continues to expand and grow inside of an integrous relationship means  that we get infinitely closer and closer together and it feels like we are one.  

We describe palpable “magnetism” between us. She experiences my energy as much as any other part  of my being. The energy between us pulls us closer together. We experience it as “animal magnetism.”  The sex is ridiculously hot. Its naughty, its kinky, its passionate, its daily.  

So to summarize:  

Having an authentic relationship sourced in kink with both partners in full unconstrained communication  provides an opening for a deeper connection which is self-fulfilling as the couple gets closer and closer 

till the magnetism itself takes over and the couple is drawn together with an unbreakable electro chemical bond.  

In that as kinksters we explore our darkest fantasies in reality, a significant cause of human  inauthenticity is resolved, making the fullness of relationship available.  

The closeness that kink creates, especially in the context of an aligned D/s couple, allows ever deeper  sharing to occur. So closeness creates closeness. It’s the source of our ability to connect energetically.  

Consider that the difference between almost boiling water and actually boiling water creates a change in  state of the water such that instead of just being able to make tea, you can actually move a train. That  same idea is true in relationship. If you are all in with the integrity that kink creates and allows for, the  dynamic can also experience a change in state. One that solidifies a relationship with superglue.  

Kink, practiced correctly, that is to say with integrity and authenticity in the dynamic, causes relationship.  

I wrote this prose recently:  

I have had the experiences of a lifetime  

I have endured the long painful existence of a mostly sexless vanilla marriage  

I have explored being a “fuck-any-slut” Dom  

I have explored polyamory to a degree  

I have been a Bull to hotwives  

I have discovered my true self expression as a Dom and as a Sadist  

I have collared a submissive masochist  

I am living in a 24/7 TPE  

What is so is that I am more fulfilled sexually, emotionally and in relationship that I have ever been in all  my life  

Kink was my access to happiness  

In truth, gratitude is the access to happiness  

Through kink, I found a partner with whom I am truly aligned  

With her I am experiencing love and happiness for the first time in my life  

I am experiencing a state of bliss  

Kink was my access to happiness  

I am grateful for my kinky existence


Saffermaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching, and produce the podcast Kinky Cocktail  Hour which is available in most directories. You can find them on their Patreon Lady Petra Playground or  reach then via email SafferMaster@gmail.com or LadyPetraPlayground@gmail.com. SafferMaster and  Lady Petra are teaching a webinar on DatingKinky.com titled “What’s in Your Kinky Toolbox” which can  be found on the Dating Kinky webinar page.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm scene, fetish, kink, Kink Community, kink journey, power dynamic, power exchange

Video: Beginner Rules For BDSM + Advice For Getting Started

October 24, 2020 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

New to the scene?

Not sure how to start your kink journey?

Need some help establishing boundaries?

Then, tune in for this informative video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!

Don’t be afraid to dive in today! Safe, sane, consensual for the win!

Beginner Rules For BDSM + Advice For Getting Started

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, boundaries, communication, consent, fetish, kink, negotiation, power exchange, sex

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