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Being Dominant and Being A Dominant-Worlds Apart

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There have been a rash of questions on our educational sites lately similar to the following, “Can a guy become dominant if it doesn’t naturally come to them?”

It’s a good question but needs more context. Too often we see people confusing the difference between a Top (the dominant role during a scene) and being a Dominant, the head of a power exchange relationship. Through conversation, we often find what they mean, is being a Top.

I wrote about this difference some time ago in a shorter article addressing the difference. In it I wrote this short piece and asked the readers to comment and react:

“Just because my personality is dominant, does not make me a Dominant.

Just because I have self-discipline and a dominant personality, does not mean I am a Dominant, or would even be a good one.

Just because I have a submissive, does not mean I am a Dominant.

All of these things are pieces and parts brought together by will, intelligence, need, diligence, consistency, integrity, self-motivation, selflessness and selfishness, and the ability to bond deeply with another person through the development of trust and the vulnerability of emotional connection. Using all of the aforementioned to develop a skill set which enables a person to show they are able to take on the committed role and can be trusted. Giving the submissive an opportunity to be as the title implies.

It is a web of factors which takes time, patience, practice, and guidance to form a larger whole.

Anyone can call themselves anything, but until they realize it is much more than any one or two things culminating in being a Dominant, they will only ever be dominant. There is a difference.”

All Hell Broke Loose

As you can imagine, there were some very strong opinions which came out of this conversation. Everything from dominants are born not made, dominants can be made even if they never leaned that way before etc. etc. It seemed like everyone had an opinion as to how someone inclined becomes properly a Dominant.

Lacking was discussion on what might actually contribute to someone being a successful dominant. Out of the hundred or so replies there were exactly zero about a dominant’s make up, only argument about what was properly a Dominant or not. It was at the very least disheartening. 

It was then I determined to write about what, in my opinion, really contributed to being a Dominant, not merely dominance. It wound up being 14 articles, with the Dominant’s Creed as its basis to give readers a baseline to follow. Some of that I am regurgitating here in this piece.

At the Center

I think nothing happens in this lifestyle which does not include the core of a person. Who they are underneath it all. Stripping away the façade of titles, costumes, toys, and the persona they may put on for others. In the end, whether they have a chance to be successful rests with them being a good person or not. Nothing more complicated than that. Regardless of the type of dynamic there are some commonalities which allow us to be that which we seek in kink.

Integrity and honesty, empathy and compassion, maturity and thoughtfulness, self-confidence and self-awareness, internal drive and motivation are among the many traits combined into a successful cocktail which enables others to see us as a potential Dominant. Because without a sub-type who wants our dominance, what good is it. First, they need to say yes.

Without that initial spark to which they are attracted in that submissive way, we are a rowboat without paddles.

If we happen to fake the funk and get someone to accept us and we are not a good person? Eventually it is going to melt down. People will get hurt emotionally, and possibly physically. The relationship will end simply because we have not taken the time to work on ourselves and become prepared to be that Dominant. 

Sure there are plenty of submissives out there who could spell disaster for us because they may not be a good person. However, we are not in control of them, only ourselves. There is not point in duping someone, or waiting till after a relationship is established to get ourselves squared away.

So We Find a Submissive

Great, now what? As I stated in the first portion of this article there is so much more than just being in that relationship. It takes effort and commitment. A whole lot more talking going on than playing, or at least there should be in my opinion. How can we be an effective Dominant to someone if we do not know them well?

I am not just talking about what they do for work, or if they have kids, or the hobbies they like. We need to dig deep into who this person is and why they are who they are. And they us. At a brutal level of honesty. This is going to be the lever that allows us to appreciate them as a person. Be accepting of the bad, not just the good. To see past the front we all put up in a new relationship because we all want to put our best foot forward.

This willingness to learn our partner in an emotionally intimate way speaks of our ability to be empathic and compassionate. Two of our greatest and most used tools as Dominants. They council us to listen more than speak, to ask probing questions, and to really hear and understand our partner. Without this, we step on many more landmines than necessary. 

No, Simply Demanding it Does Not Mean You’ll Get It

Even if we are a good person and have managed to find a submissive who is committed to us, we cannot be jerks about it, if we want it to last. Way back when dirt was invented and I was a new dominant, I thought that was the way it was supposed to work. I quickly found out otherwise to my shame and embarrassment. 

There is a duty of care and responsibility which comes with being a Dominant. That we first are looking out for the best interest of our submissive. Even as a Master, we have to be careful of this, even more so as a committed slave is less likely to come to their own defense in many cases, unless the situation is dire. This is not possible without having developed a deep understanding of our sub-type.

They are placing their trust in us to lead them in a way which not only fulfills our desires but helps them grow and fulfills theirs. If all we are is a machine which compels compliance without thought to the impact on our charge, the chances of the dynamic lasting long or very small.

Creating a Gravitational Pull

The moon stays in orbit around Earth because of the gravity it exerts. Similarly, being that good person at our core helps us create an emotional gravity which captures our submissive and keeps them in our orbit. It allows them to open up to us, in turn, freeing us to be that Dominant they desire. I say freeing because without that pull, everything becomes a struggle where we are having to work to keep them enthralled and interested.

The dynamic becomes work, like the kind we do not appreciate so much. Not to be confused with the effort it takes to maintain a healthy relationship.

It also frees our submissive to be accepting of our dominance. They can begin to and continue to trust us because they have learned we are a person worth trusting. Sure we have to do much more than just be a good and decent person. But it is a beginning worth striving for, and one which becomes foundational for a long-term commitment.  

The Goal

I think most of us want to have that stability in our relationships, even if they are not romantic. The purpose driven commitment to and of another person bringing a constant into our universe to look forward to, cherish, and rely upon in good times and bad. 

Is not this the hub on which all else turns? Our ability to maintain a healthy relationship with another person? To do that, to build that, we need to work on ourselves first. 

Realizing to become a Dominant, we must master ourselves first. If we do not, we will only ever be dominant.


If you are interested in the Dominant’s Creed articles I mentioned earlier in this writing visit this link to my page on FetLife – TAC_1’s Writings | FetLife

BDSM And Personal Discovery

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Some of us, one could argue both the lucky and the unlucky ones, knew we wanted something other than the vanilla heteronormative relationships that society in the 80’s and 90’s tried to condition is to want. Lucky because it is easier to find something when you know you’re looking for it; unlucky because you’d be surprised how many people want nothing to do with someone questioning and experimenting with their own sexuality. Perhaps my experiences would have been different today, but I can only embrace that which is mine and move forward with that knowlege.

Had I desired that vanilla heteronormativity, I’d have had lots of opportunities to figure myself out in middle and high school. Unfortunately, instead my late middle school and high school years are a jumble of memories of cuddling with females and being too afraid to take that next step for fear of rejection, and dark porn, clearly staged, badly acted, and a foundation for some sexual imprinting. For those of use who want bondage or any kind of same sex relationships, we don’t have those same opportunities to explore. That’s why the jokes about lesbians not knowing if they are being hit on and awkward bisexuals exist. We lack that early practice and have to stumble through the finding ourselves part while trying to have adult relationships. That’s a lot of pressure all at once.

The same goes for kink. We don’t have shibari opportunities in high school to figure out what works for us. So we all just do the best that we can and figure things out along the way as we figure them out. We are all on our own timelines. Some of us don’t discover that the things we like are not “normal” until someone slaps us in the face with that information. Maybe literally, who knows?

So what does that mean for the questing adult who has tripped over kink rather than sought it out? I have wondered lately how to explain what we do to someone without the foundation I assume people have when they seek us out. I suppose I would start this way:

Kink is many things to many people. It is not up to me to decide how an individual defines that for themself. It is not for me to judge provided the desired activity is consented to by and with a human of legal age who is capable of giving consent, and does not have the purpose of doing lasting harm, rather than fleeting hurt.

I would tell them kink can absolutely be sexual, but that it doesn’t have to be. Sure, threesomes are probably classified in there somewhere as kink, but when the umbrella encompasses so much variety and many different viewpoints, often times sex can take a backseat to pain, even if that pain has sexual connotations or elements to the people engaging in its practice.

I would tell them to find something that appeals to them, and then to seek out more information. Read books, browse fet, find local people and have conversations. Though it can be difficult, try not to find us scary or intimidating. We’re just normal people who happen to have bonded over a common interest. With some it’s video games or comic books, sports, or food. With us, we bond over kink. It’s easy enough to fit right in.

Above all, I would tell them to ask questions. It’s okay not to know everything. Our honesty is our strength. Everyone won’t know everything., and it is okay not to know this.

Most of all, I would suggest finding someone trustworthy to show them the rules. We see consent very differently from the whole of mainstream society. Sadly. It shouldn’t be different, yet the kink community’s views on consent are so much more empowering than the old rules I was raised with. Even with those differences, missteps are easy. Having a guide can make a huge difference.

Be open to new experience. Every day is a gift when we accept what is coming.

This week in kink: July 26, 2021

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Don’t miss Mistress Eva’s kinky travel guide from Flipboard!

International Dominatrix Eva Oh Shares Her Global Kink Travel Guide – Flipboard
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Check out this awesome advice about BDSM dating sites from Vents Magazine!

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So many engorgio charms gone wrong…
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Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Identifying as a Submissive: What does that mean?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly!  

This afternoon, I had a good discussion (online) with one of my readers, who was challenging the notion  that the definition of submission must come from the dominant. In his challenge, he stated that this  statement excludes people who self-identify as submissives who do not have a dominant to serve. As far  as the discussion goes, I stand firmly with my statement – however, his point got me thinking about  “self-identification” as a submissive and what that really means. 

The process of self-identification is an important part of today’s gender and sexuality discussions. It is an  effective tool to break through predefined constructs and to open the door to more open thinking. I do,  however, feel it’s rapidly becoming overused, particularly when it’s applied in ways that go beyond the  gender discussion. You can identify as a lot of things…but sometimes calling yourself something doesn’t really make you that. 

In BDSM and D/s circles, people self-identify a lot. You have people who declare their preferences by  labeling themselves. Words like “dominant”, “submissive”, “fetishist”, etc., are thrown about without  real definition. Even the words “Submission” and “Dominance” can mean different things to different people, so calling oneself a “Dominant” or “Submissive” only has meaning when we understand what  dominance and submission mean to that person. Having a “fetish” actually has a dictionary definition,  

but modern usage has thrown away the clinical meaning in favor of “This REALLY makes me hot!”. Since  there is no credentialing system, people are free to declare themselves “Dominant of the world” and no  one can really argue. In reality, the labels are meaningless – but they bring a sense of belonging and  inclusion to folks, so why not? 

Getting back to the basis of the discussion, how can you define submission without a dominant?  

I searched for an analogy to support my point and I arrived at a reasonable one: A man who REALLY  enjoys cooking and feels he’s good at it, decides to self-identify as “A Chef”. Let’s say he only cooks for  himself at this point. In my mind, this self-identification is closely analogous to the man who really likes  the idea of submitting and calls himself “A Submissive” – although a submissive doesn’t submit to himself. 

My self-identified “Chef” doesn’t have anyone to cook for at this point. Can he really be a chef? Would  you hire him to cook for you? 

My assertion is that self-identifying as a Chef is a statement of your passion. It’s your preference and  “identity” and it means that you want to cook. I further assert, however, that when this person is hired  to cook for someone, the recipesthat are needed are subject to the tastes and preferences of the  person. What KIND of chef does that person need / prefer: a meat chef; a fish chef; a pastry chef; a sauce chef? Until you know what type of chef is desired – or what type of recipes the person for whom  you are cooking prefers, you can’t define the content of the food that will satisfy them. You might be a  “chef”, but you don’t know what you’re cooking until you know what’s ordered!

Self-identifying as a submissive is all well and good as a statement of preference and identity…but until  you have someone to submit to, you can’t define submission. Submission, since it’s tied to what you are  doing for another person, requires that other person to be there. You can’t submit to nothing.  Submission must be received as submissionto be realized. If you doubt that, ask the myriad of folks who  are frustrated trying to submit to a partner who won’t accept their efforts from a position of dominance or who are unfulfilled with “stealth-submission” because the meaning is missing without reception. Can  you identify as a submissive without submitting to anyone? I suppose you can, but there isn’t really any definition in that label. 

In fact, trying to define it without a partner can be detrimental. I have met a lot of folks who try to  define submission without consideration for a specific partner. They have preconceived notions of what  submission is and what dominance looks like. They create their own challenges by doing this. Very often,  they talk about “finding compatibility” (usually in the context of NOT being able to find a compatible  partner), which is really a colloquialism for “trying to find someone who has defined submission the  same way that they did”, which, if you really think about it, is basically confirming that the dominant is  the one setting the definition of submission, it’s just that they happen to want the same! 

BTW: These are often the same folks who accuse their partners of not being “dominant enough”… or … “not knowing how to dominate” or “needing training in how to dominate” or any number of other  inappropriate attacks. Don’t be that guy. 

There is also the notion that someone will be a good submissive because they are “experienced”. What  does that mean in the context of a new dominant; with new preferences, tastes, and desires? I’d buy  into it if they said, “I’ll make a good submissive because I have experience adapting to how people  define submission to them. My skill is learning and adapting.” THAT statement, I’d believe. But thinking  that they’d be a good submissive for dominant ‘B’ because they served dominant ‘A’ doesn’t fly. 

So, self-identification as a submissive is fine. Identity is important and preferences are important. If the  label means something to you, use it. However, defining submission without a dominant to serve is  folly. If your goal is to serve your dominant, you need to allow that dominant to define what serves  them. Then you know what “dish” is required of you and you can work to deliver that. 

 Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

This week in kink: July 19, 2021

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Don’t miss this awesome sex furniture from BuzzFeed!

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Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Entering Back Into The Scene

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As we all start returning to our usual pre-covid ways, I would guess that one of the problems specific to our lifestyle is the “If you don’t use it you lose it” principle. I know my flogging skills have deteriorated quite a bit.  As an example, I was playing with a new sub last Saturday and actually missed the target get a couple of times. Fortunately, I was aware  that when dealing with ropes, canes and floggers it is easy to screw up after an enforced “vacation.” The oft-quoted principle of “Dominant Infallibility”comes up very short after a layoff. This article, in place of my usual ”Ask BaadMaster”column, is a collection of tips to make your transition back into our world of dungeons and discipline a little easier.  So here goes: 

  1. Go Slow.  My first tip, distilled from my experiences as outlined in the introduction, is to “Go Slow.” Just as athletes take it slow when returning from an injury, we should too. This is especially true in impact play.  And this +approach would  apply to the bottoms/subs too.  Like it or not, subs can be very demanding.  So when first playing, don’t goad the Top into hitting you harder. We waited so long to get back our play spaces, one week or two won’t be that critical
  1. Opportunity knocks..  If you are in a no-protocol or low-protocol relationship, it is easy to add a few rituals to your arsenal. For example, after your sub comes home on a Friday night and you have cleared out some play time, instruct her/him to perform a greeting ritual. Typically, the sub kneels in front of the Dominant and kisses his feet. Or, introduce some leash and collar play. Either of these not only adds a new dimension to your sub’s submission, but it also helps transition him/her from the basically vanilla world of quarantine to BDSM play. Just adding a little extra pre-D/s can work wonders when you finally get back to BDSM. 
  1. Add a new toy. I know you have lots of toys, but I doubt you own every one that is made! Search for a new toys at the local sex shop or online BDSM store.  It might take a some effort, but as the martial artists (and sadists, too) say, “No pain, no gain!”
  2. Add some discipline into your play life. This can get a bit tricky, because you cannot suddenly become a stern disciplinarian when you have not been one a year or more. I would tackle an area you have been neglecting. For example, have her wear a specific makeup that gets you hot; tell her to dress in fetish clothes or demand she do specific acts that you have discussed but have not gotten around to doing. Every couple has a few of these. If she refuses, then you can get into the punishment mode that can also be exciting. (This is from an “Ask BaadMaster” query,)
  3. Use unique punishments. Since there is every chance your sub might not comply with your orders after a year or more away from the Dungeon,, you must devise some new and unique punishments that get you off and she has not experienced. For example, one punishment I find particularly effective is the use of a baby pacifier. Just the threat of making your partner wear one can have a profound impact. Many Dom/me’s use sexual deprivation as punishment. This is a great opportunity to expand your BDSM palette.
  4. Don’t forget rewards. This one is easy to overlook. Piercings, tattoos and BDSM jewelry might work perfectly, depending on your relationship. And, if you expand your reward criteria to the non-BDSM world, you will have no trouble rewarding your sub for her excellent behavior.
  5. Don’t call it a comeback!  (Thanks, LL!)  Don’t forget to include the most basic aspects of play when you are scening. It might seem obvious, but – even at the risk of looking foolish – go over safe words, safe signals and do not forget aftercare!  Better to look foolish than be foolish.
  1. Read our archives.  There are tons of great articles archived here on Kink Weekly! Not only can you be a more effective Dom/me or sub with additional knowledge, but you can short-circuit the time needed to get back into top form.

This pandemic has had widespread affects on just about every field of endeavor – from chess to BDSM play.  But think of it as an opportunity. Since one key to our lifestyle is inventiveness,  use this chance to be…inventive!!!  

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Kink and Managing a Disability or Chronic Illness

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I have always known life was unfair. We see examples of it everyday; I experienced and have observed it here in the US and many countries abroad. Fair is in August at the fairgrounds, there is no promise of it anywhere else. Knowing this, it should not have been a shock when my charmed life was upended almost two years ago by this principle.

Before I go much further, this article is not going to be about how you should or should not let your disability get you down, what you should or should not do in kink regarding it….. It is about me, and my challenges. Hopefully by letting you read about them (for the normal folk) you will be a bit more patient toward us gimped up people. For those of you who do face challenges, maybe you can find some humor and hope.

But I digress. 

Almost two years ago I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. One morning I woke up and had no control over the left side of my body, had a hard time focusing or forming words, part of my tongue was numb, and half blind. Obviously, my better half was concerned especially since I struggled for a half hour to get myself together for work, like a dumb ass. After Nibbles threatened to knock me down and call an ambulance I relented and went to the hospital willingly. 

Honestly, at that point, I thought I had a stroke. 

The First Week

You guessed it, lots of tests: after several MRIs, CAT Scans, blood tests, an EKG, and two ultrasounds later I was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis. The neurologist put me on some high-octane drugs and steroids through an IV and I spent 5 days in the hospital. Time enough to contemplate and fear just how much my life had suddenly changed. Including kink. I was afraid I would never walk again, let alone be able to guide a needle or throw a flogger. The pit of despair I was falling into was immense. If it had not been for Nibbles and one other, I think I would have given up right then.

They reminded me I had a life to get back to no matter how that looked on the back side. We would figure it out and find our new normal. 

Getting My Feet Back Under Me

The first few months at home I began to get back most of the motor function I had lost. Weaker than I had been before, but able to get things done with a cane and taking extra time. Movement was still slow, delayed. I remember one morning looking at my coffee sitting on the dining room table thinking my way through picking the cup up and taking a drink. Gone were the days, at least for a while, where I could just respond to my desire for that liquid. Everything was now a process. 

And apparently, while I was not looking, I had become as fragile as a Faberge Egg. Every movement watched, being completely catered to, and my attempts to help out being rebuffed. I was allowed to do almost nothing for myself and I did not have the strength at the moment to fight it. So for once in my life, I did as I was told. At the time it was a great source of butt hurt for me. Now I have to look back and laugh at this sudden role reversal between myself and Nibbles. She was now in charge, taking on the dominant lead, and took the phrase mother hen to a whole new dimension.

Slowly I improved and over time I got back to more normal activities, well normal for me. Practicing with a flogger to see if I still could, a single tail, as well as other toys. Hell, I was not allowed to mow the lawn so might as well beat a pillow or two! And I did. 

I found that I could passably work with my right hand with some effort. Florentine was completely out of the question and working from my left, we’ll just say I resembled a penguin with palsy. Even I had to laugh. But I kept practicing.

Tigers Hate Cages…..Even if They Are Gilded Ones

The first time back to the club, I might as well have stayed home! NOBODY would let me do anything but sit. Playing was not happening as a rotation of hens, now a squad strong, made sure my glass was never empty, my plate always had a “healthy” choice on it, and companionship was never more than twelve inches away. Now under normal circumstances, this might sound like I had hit the jackpot. Died and gone to heaven. Even to this day I am appreciative for all their help (that night and many others). In the moment, I was frustrated. 

The big cat had finally made it back to his part of the jungle to be told he could not hunt. Doing the only thing I could, I put on a pleasant face and entertained those around me. From sunset until nearly three in the morning, I talked about whatever came to mind or was of interest. By the end of the night my voice was horse and throat so sore I wanted to jam a popsicle down my neck and leave it there. The experience gave me a new appreciation for the ladies who like to spend hours at a glory hole. Troopers one and all.

OK, So I Was Wrong – Changing My Perspective

If it is not apparent, to escape my coddled purgatory I needed to change how I approached things so those around me, acting out of a deep sense of care, would allow me to do what I do. Without hurting their feelings. I worked long and hard at home practicing with a couple of different floggers to make sure I was proficient enough to not embarrass myself or hurt someone. Finally satisfied with my progress, I talked to Nibbles and one of my play partners about setting up a scene that weekend. 

I do not think I have ever, in my life, had to run such a gauntlet consisting of the number of variations and iterations of the question, “are you sure?” in my life. 

I would rather have gone back through a military promotion board being grilled by senior non-commissioned officers for three days than repeat that hour or so of the concerned looks and expressions of uncertainty. I was certain, I was ready, and damn it……. If they let me….. I was going to do it. Thankfully, they relented. I had a date!

I realized though all that was happening, I was going to effectively earn their trust all over again. Not that they did not think me capable, kind of, but they did not want me to take on too much too soon and somehow goof myself up again. 

Friday night came and off to the club we went. On the 30-minute ride Nibbles made sure to remind me as often as every other mile marker not to overexert myself, to keep drinking water, and that it was ok to stop and sit down if things got too much. Bless her heart, really. I think she was way more nervous about my scene than I was. Being the legend in my own mind, I was focused on making my chosen bottom cherry red from her shoulders down.

What really happened was I did overextend myself. I had a great time doing it, but the bottom was more concerned with how I was doing the entire time than just being in the moment. I think I spent more energy redirecting her back into position and to focus than I did swinging the floggers. No matter, I was back. All uphill from there. Just nobody told me it was going to be five miles, barefoot, in the snow, and into a headwind.

Yes, I was going to have to earn their trust again. So, in the moment they could focus and not worry that I might collapse into a pile of unresponsive goo. How?

Learning to Just Be Me Again – With a Twist

The problem was not theirs it was mine for the most part. They had every reason to worry because I was not displaying the self confidence in myself needed to inspire their confidence in me. I had to set aside the thoughts of what I could not do well anymore, and focus on what I could, as well as find new ways to function. That included kink.

The next several months were focused on what I could relearn, building a different muscle memory, or new ways to do old things. Short play sessions to put theories into practice and help reconnect with Nibbles and other play partners. Giving them an opportunity to relearn me also and show them I was not just trying to be better, I was getting better.

The more I worked on myself and worked with them, my self confidence grew and returned. They worried less about my physical state and started to enjoy play with me again. I rediscovered the joy in it. I guess old dogs can learn new tricks.

A Weird Blessing in Disguise

No, I am not the person I was before MS reared its ugly head. But what am I going to do? Give it back? There is nothing to do but be the best me regardless of the circumstance. I would like to think, in some perverse way it pushed me to be a better top and dominant, even though different. It forced me to look at myself, kink, and my partners in a new way. Shoving me out of complacent patterns allowing me to be more creative. 

The support of Nibbles, and everyone else around me, gave me purpose to push myself harder. Certainly, I could not have done it without them and their encouragement. As annoying as it might have been at times, I could not have asked for a better life partner and friends.

When it all first hit, I lost faith in myself. I doubted what I could do and if I could do. However, I learned as long as I kept pushing forward, the details would take care of themselves. That to claw my way back I needed to trust myself again so my partners could trust and confidence in me.

The Breeding Fetish

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Over the years, I have become less conservative in exploring my interests.  When I started out, I was very shy.  I had all these different interests, and I was convinced that there was no way my partner would understand.  So, I stuck to what I considered “standard” kinks.  Since getting with Master, I have found the freedom to explore anything that comes to mind.

So, I thought I would share one of them with you.

One of the kinks I kept hidden, for many years, was Breeding.

Traditionally, a breeding kink involves a Dominant male having intercourse with a submissive female with the full intent of impregnation. This generally means sex without protection and an intentional exchange of body fluids.  It is considered a riskier kink (though not edge play) because bareback sex can increase your chances of a Sexually Transmitted Infection (STI).

It can also increase the chances of a yeast infection or PH imbalance.  The vagina is generally considered acidic and should have a PH level of 3.8-4.5.  However, sperm need a PH level of 7-8.5 to thrive.  During unprotected sex, the vagina’s PH level will rise to accommodate the sperm, optimizing the chance of impregnation.  

Sounds great, right?

Well, it can be.  But for some of us, the ph level struggles to go back down afterward.  An acidic environment (with the PH of 3.8-4.5) is naturally protective.  Having an imbalance can promote the growth of bacteria and lead to several different types of medical issues (i.e. Bacterial Vaginosis or Yeast Infection).  So, my personal PSA is to consult a doctor if you notice things do not feel right after unprotected sex.  Stay healthy and optimize your kink.

Alright.  Now we can get back to the fun stuff.

Breeding, over the last couple decades, has expanded in its definition. Let’s go over some different ways to enjoy your kink.

Role Play: 

There are a few ways that role play can be incorporated. 

  1. Cross-Gendered Role play

Due to the expansion of role play aspects in this kink, there is less focus on the gender of those involved as well.  For female/female partners, the use of a strap-on can simulate the action of breeding.  There are dildos that have tubing in the center to simulate ejaculation.  For male/male partners, the incorporation of other kinks, such as sissification, can make the fantasy of impregnation more realistic.

  1. Breeding with Birth Control

For some individuals, having a resulting pregnancy is not part of their kink.  This could be due to medical factors, financial reasons, or already having children.  As such, the use of birth control can help mitigate the chances of pregnancy.  As with anything, I recommend talking to a licensed professional to find the best option possible for you.  I also recommend researching everything for yourself.  As several individuals in my family learned, the pill form of birth control actually made them more fertile.  For me, I have an implant in my arm.  It lasts 3 years, has minimal side effects, and I am not allergic to it.  While the chance of me getting pregnant is under 1 percent, the use of birth control is a secondary preventative measure. 

  1. Animal play

Animal play is an umbrella term for when one partner acts as an animal and one acts as a handler.  Most often, breeding often uses role play of actual “bred” animals.  While hudogs (i.e. human dogs) are occasionally seen, it is almost always farm animal role play.  Hucows (Human Cows) are the most common.  A hucow is defined as a “submissive woman who is into lactation (whether voluntarily being milked or forced lactation) and/or breeding (forced insemination).  The breeding aspect is a newer addition to the Hucow kink.  

You can also add objectification to this type of play.  An example of this is putting a burlap bag over the “animal’s” head (which could even be labeled with “Breed Me” or other more derogatory sayings) so that the receiver becomes nothing more than a breeding machine or potential incubator.

**Animal play also gives an opportunity to play with artificial insemination as a form of breeding**

  1. Consent Non-Consent:

Consent Non-Consent (CNC) is another umbrella term.  It is often equated to “rape play.”  I do not use that term for two reasons. The first is because CNC has so many different avenues of expression.  Second, consent is paramount in our community.  Rape does not involve consent in any form, and I feel that it needs to keep its own definition (and implications) without convoluting consensual play.

The definition I prefer to use is “[play] between two (or more) consenting adults where one of them does unpleasant or harmful seeming things to the other, who looks as if they’re not enjoying it, or not consenting.”

Breeding can be incorporated into almost any CNC scenario that you can dream up. All the scenarios I am about to list reference “role play scenarios” in which all parties have consented to the activities involved. 

  • Blackmailing a co-worker, Boss/secretary dubious consent, Headmaster/student
  • Hypnosis/Mind Control
  • kidnapping, home invasion
  • Gang Bang

It is also important to me that CNC can also be a relationship type.  It is most often referred to as a Total Power Exchange (TPE).  I have talked previously about my relationship with Master.  He has blanket consent to do as he pleases.  He allows me the option of a safe word, just in case.  However, I never know what is going to happen or when.  I do not negotiate our scenes.  That means that every time we play, it falls under CNC.    I can scream, cry, say no or stop repeatedly but the only thing that will stop the scene is the word “red.”

As I have explored Breeding more and more, the only real consistent “requirement” is sex without a condom.  Everything else is up to the individual people involved and as broad as their imagination.

I find Breeding is a kink that many still find themselves shy to talk about.  I have seen it kink shamed on more than one occasion.  If I have learned anything in the last 15 years, it is that there is no shame in kink if consent is paramount.  Never let someone tell you what you can and cannot enjoy in your dynamic.