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Consensual Non-Consent

November 4, 2021 By PirateStan 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

How does one talk about consensual non-consent (CNC), a form of play which, frankly, goes against all the tenets learned upon entering the scene? CNC by design is generally opposed to SSC (safe, sane, and consensual) and goes into areas many consider dangerous, risky, and flat-out unacceptable. Quite frankly, it’s the sort of thing many outside of the scene will use to condemn those in it.

So what is CNC exactly? It’s kinky-improv, a no-holds-barred, generally impact-free scene between two like-minded individuals with seemingly little regard for consent or safewording. Often enough it’s referred to as “rape play” and the trappings can indeed mimic sexual assault to someone watching who’s not cognizant of what’s actually going on.

Of course, CNC play does involve both safewords and consent, but not necessarily in the way that we tend to be taught upon entering the scene. It takes a tremendous amount of trust and understanding between partners yet, surprisingly (IME) little actual negotiation. More on that in a minute.

It’s my experience that many who are brand new to the scene (and young to boot, often under 25) gravitate almost immediately to CNC play. And that seems crazy and irresponsible; CNC is hardcore, advanced play, the sort of thing which should only be engaged in by those with lots of experience, who know what they want and accept the rather extensive possible risks.

And, of course, you find the right partner; someone with whom you have absolute chemistry, who groks what you want, and you grok similarly with them. Yet finding and recognizing that person tends to involve lots of experience, at least on one side of the equation.

As always, I can only speak from my personal experience. Your mileage may vary (YMMV).


The concept of CNC had long appealed to me, ever since I’d first gone to a presentation in the deep, dark days of 2009. What they were doing seemed wrong, even as it was incredibly hot. The couple in question obviously were completely in sync, but how had they gotten there?

It was something I consequently brought up with my next two partners. Both loved the concept; we discussed and negotiated many times. Yet even as we seemed otherwise in sync, somehow we couldn’t make it work.

It seemed full of artifice, overly rehearsed; certainly there were guidelines, limits, and safewords. But once the scene began it felt as if we were going through a script, filming a movie. It was fun for sure, but not really what we’d both hoped for.

Enter my new girl.

The first time I tied her up, she immediately began fighting back, as if she didn’t want to be there. She was terrified, angry, and struggling, trying to pull away from me; even as I would grab the bonds, manhandling her roughly.

She repeatedly said “No,” “Stop it,” “Let me go!” and similar pronouncements. When I went to add a ballgag she fought back just the right amount before letting me buckle it on, at which point she angrily gagtalked while trying to push it out.

In short, she was doing almost exactly what I wanted, even though we’d never really discussed this in any detail. I would periodically whisper stage directions into her ear; more intense here, struggle to get away now, pretend you don’t want me to touch your pussy, don’t let me grab your nipple. Each time she seemed to exactly intuit what I wanted and performed perfectly.

Because, to a large degree, that’s what CNC is, a performance, kinky improv for two people. It’s not necessarily something which can be negotiated or taught. It’s something which needs to be felt.

And that, honestly, is rare.


In the end, I can’t recommend that you dive into CNC without doing a great deal of research, preferably with real people, in meatspace, said people having a fair amount of experience.

When it’s great, it can be fantastic, transcendent even.

But when it’s bad, it can be dangerous and traumatic, triggering.

Be careful with this one friends; it can fuck you up.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm safety, boundaries, consensual non-consent, consent, dominant, fetish, hard limits, kink, negotiation, power exchange dynamic, safety consent, soft limits, submissive

Video: How To Stay Safe While Exploring BDSM And Meeting People

November 4, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

It’s so important to be safe when playing!

Click below to learn useful BDSM safety tips from the amazing Evie!

How to Stay Safe While Exploring BDSM & Meeting People!

Tagged With: bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, consensual, consent, negotiation, safety

Consensual Kidnapping Scenes

October 20, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

blonde sexy Domme with male submissive in straitjacket
via stock.adobe.com

With the phenomenon of “cameras everywhere,” the possibility of doing anything under rhe radar  – from BDSM to Bread and Breakfast – is virtually impossible. Of course, this erosion of privacy can be a topic in just about any forum, from politics to sexual expression. So, when a question that includes all aspects of intrusive technology with respect to BDSM comes across my desk (and I don’t even have a desk!), I jump at the chance to attempt a cogent answer.   So, here it is!

Reader: My Mistress and i have been thinking about a play kidnap scene but are uncertain about Health and Safety precautions, and of course the law. How can we do this safely and avoid involving the Police or the public unintentionally?

As we all know, privacy is going the way of the horse and buggy. One must assume that if you want to attempt an abduction scene, you will have to keep in mind you will be observed.  The question is whether this intrusion will insure a trip to the local police station.  Your question acknowledges the Police could get involved.   

If you imagine an abduction scene as being a “mini-movie,” you can use this to great advantage – from planning aspects to legal issues.  From the planning side, making a “movie storyboard” is a great way to go.  It doesn’t have to be elaborate, but it can take you from “point a” to “point b” to “point c” in an easy-to-picture way.  By visualizing every step, it will help you identify those areas most likely to go right — or wrong.  A storyboard gives you a great overview and makes controlling the whole project a lot easier.

As to the legal concerns, it is clear that the actual kidnapping is always the riskiest part.  And the more true-to-life you want to make the scene, the more dangerous it is. With video cameras all over the place, prepare for the best but expect the worst. I am not giving any legal advice here (this is the “BaadMaster disclaimer”), but I have discovered one great concept that can take some of the risk out of an abduction scene.  I call this the “reality TV movie” strategy.  With the popularity of reality TV, this approach has a lot to recommend it.  It takes a bit of extra work, but if you wish to stage a realistic abduction scene, it is well worth the effort.  

First of all, write a quick abduction script.  Title it something like, “The Abduction of Amber.”  Then have each person involved sign an actor’s contract/release form and attach a photocopy of his/her driver’s license.  Verify that everyone is of legal age.  Finally, you must have a video camera with you and take some footage of the “project.”  This doesn’t make you immune to Murphy’s Law, but it gives you a degree of protection should things go wrong.    

And what can go wrong?  Two untoward things can happen when you stage a public abduction.  One, a cop actually sees the kidnapping and intervenes.  The “reality movie” explanation  – with all your “actors” ready to state that it is a movie project and with all the release forms in order – will, more than likely, head off any problems.  Another, somewhat similar, problem can occur if someone sees the abduction and calls the police.  In this case, you might wind up with cherry tops pulling you over.  Again, the movie setup gives you the best chance of not having any further hassles.  Be respectful, have your paperwork ready, spend the twenty bucks and register this “script” with the WGA and you will likely be fine.  At the very least, if you are arrested, the charges will likely be dropped.

You might think all this preparation takes the fun and spontaneity out of the scene.  This might be true to some extent; but we live in the real world.  Just as safe sex is essential in the world of STD’s, so is caution indispensable in a world of aggressive law enforcement.  Anything worth doing well is worth doing right.  And taking a lot – if not all – of the worry out of an abduction scene more than compensates for the extra planning and paperwork this approach requires.

This “reality TV” concept does not preclude the need to follow all of the procedures that I  outlined.  Make sure to agree on safe words, have an outside friend  available on the cellphone and pre-negotiate all hard and soft limits.  You don’t want problems at the destination after the abduction goes well.  The less that is left to chance, the more fun you will have.  Movies and TV have filled our minds with all sorts of nifty, sometimes sexy, visions of what a kidnapping looks like.  With this in mind, why not star in your own movie?  That, to me, sounds like the most fun!


After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, consent, kidnapping

This week in kink: October 25, 2021

October 20, 2021 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Check out how to make your own sex toys with VICE!


California bans non-consensual condom removal!

Read more from BBC news!


Don’t miss 8 BDSM positions to try from Huff Post!


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, consent, fetish, kink

Punishment Is Always A Reward

September 23, 2021 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

Domme holding cock cage
via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all my articles in KinkWeekly! 

In previous articles, and within my books, I have alluded to this concept. I thought that this week, I’d  focus in on it to highlight a very common misconception: That to make a punishment be effective for  changing behavior in a D/s dynamic, it needs to be unpleasant enough for the submissive to encourage  them to avoid the infraction. (Note: I am discussing actual punishment, not “Funishment” – scene time  play in the form of punishments). 

On the surface, this makes sense: If the person being punished hates the punishment, they will never  want to experience it again – and will adjust their behavior to avoid it. If they fear the punishment, they  won’t commit the infraction and the dominant will be happier, because they will not have to deal with  the infraction again. You’ll often hear dominants talking about the severity of the punishment “matching  the infraction”, and you will also hear that punishment needs to be swift and fitting.  

All of this makes sense – until you consider the source of pleasure for a submissive. What thrills a  submissive? What makes a submissive feel all subby inside? What washes a sub’s brain with Oxytocin  and makes them feel so good about being a submissive? 

In my discussions with submissives regarding things that “excite them most”, there is a common joy  found in acknowledging (or having to acknowledge) their position in the relationship relative to their  dominant. They LOVE to recognize that they are at the dominant’s beck and call – and at their whim.  

They want to be helpless and dependent on the dominant. They want to feel the dominant’s authority.  This was the root cause of excitement identified with of many fantasies, including: Bondage /  suspension, Blackmail, Contracts, Humiliation, Chastity, Losing bets, etc. The idea that the submissive  “has no choice but to comply” is ultra-alluring. It triggers sensations of fulfillment in people who are submissive. 

So, let’s consider punishment. Who is allowed to punish someone? It must be someone with the  authority to do so. Parents, teachers, wardens, governments – all with accepted authority to enforce  rules. If you are being punished, you accept that punishment because you acknowledge and cede to the  authority of the body punishing you — or you’d never allow it to happen. 

Now, conflate the ideas: People only allow themselves to be punished by those with the recognized  authority to do so – and submissives are excited by recognizing, or having to recognize, their relative  position in the power dynamic and the authority of the dominant over them. 

Therefore, I offer that this no way to punish a submissive without also rewarding them! 

Furthermore, the more distasteful the punishment to the submissive, the greater the reward. Why?  Because the more the submissive despises the punishment, the more they must recognize that they  have agreed to allow themselves to be punished. The power imbalance created by their power dynamic  is highlighted and elevated. They are “forced” to recognize that the dominant has the AUTHORITY to  punish them – even with things that they hate. This fact EXCITES the submissive on some level – and their brain REWARDS them by filling them with all sorts of yummy subby pleasure chemicals. They feel  more helpless; more “owned”.  

The more difficult / distasteful / severe the punishment is, the more this reward-effect is realized. 

The obvious irony is that the purpose of punishment is to modify behavior (or create a catharsis for guilt  relief…there are many theories of why punishment is used – not to be discussed here), but the  punishment, in and of itself, runs the risk of REWARDING the submissive for their bad behavior.  

If you doubt this, look at the number of submissives who advertise exactly how they are willing to be  punished for failing to serve properly. Or look at the number of submissives who deliberately act up  whenever they feel they aren’t getting the attention they desire – or are checking the resolve of the  dominant to force them to submit. Consider brats and how that behavior is often motivated by a desire  to have the dominant exert their will and overcome their resistance. 

A dominant who is trying to design punishments that will be severe enough to have the desired impact,  is going to be sadly surprised to find that the behavior, although resolved in the short-term, will  reappear again – usually if no punishment has been delivered in a while. They will be constantly  escalating to attempt to stay above the submissive’s tolerance – only to find that backfire into more and  more severe punishments…and a bunch of frustration! 

What I Do In Lieu of Punishment 

I published this in the article, “Why I don’t punish”. I recognized this “paradox” (it’s not really a paradox,  as it really makes so much sense) a long time ago and vowed that punishment is simply not going to  work with submissives. I concluded that the only way to really change behavior is to insist that the  submissive provide the self-discipline to correct their behavior based on my explanation of my  preferences and feedback on how what they’re doing is making me feel.  

I recognize that a sub’s actions can sometimes be due to something that I do, or don’t do. I am not  perfect (gasp, I know!)…so, I encourage my submissives to talk about what they need, before they’re  acting up or acting out. Maybe I’m not demonstrating my position clearly. Maybe I’ve been a little lax or  neglectful. It could happen. Maybe my sub is feeling a little alone in the dynamic and feels the need to  check in, to make sure I still value their submission. That’s on me. How they go about resolving that and  bringing it to my attention, however, is on them. I am approachable and will listen. If they are acting up,  they are not taking advantage of my openness…and they need to talk to me. 

If a submissive cannot correct their behavior – even after my insistence, explanation, and openness to  listen, then THEY are putting the dynamic in jeopardy. I’m not saying that the only punishment is to  dissolve the power dynamic – but I am saying that, if open communications of why something is  displeasing to me, what I want them to do better (and why), and insistence that they correct the issue, doesn’t result in long-termed change, I’m not interested in wasting both of our time continuing the  dynamic. Dissolving the dynamic isn’t a punishment, it’s a consequence brought about by their inability  to change. It takes a lot to get to that point – but that’s where it’s going, if things don’t change. 

Dominants: Consider avoiding punishment and favor open discussion and instance for change – explore  to find root-causes for misbehavior and remain open to the possibility that it’s something you can control. Explain what you want and why you want it – and insist on it. Recognize that any punishment  will be a reward at some level – and will likely work against the change you’re trying to achieve. 

Submissives: Recognize that the responsibility for living up to your commitment to submit is yours. If  you find yourself attempting to motivate your dominant to discipline you, introspect as to why and  discuss it openly with your dominant. 

Hopefully, this will give you cause to think – and maybe even change your opinion on discipline within  your D/s dynamics. Happy power! 


Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Tagged With: bdsm, consent, contracts, discipline, dominant, fetisn, kink, power echange, protocol, punishment, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training

Fantasy vs. Reality-Heavy and Experimental Play

September 23, 2021 By TAC 2 Comments

hot Domme in leather
via stock.adobe.com

YIPEEEE!!!!! We made it into the room where all the fun stuff begins and there is SO MUCH OF IT!!!!! 

I get it, I was there too once upon a time. The possibilities SEEM endless and for most folks imaginations, they are. Emphasis on imagination. It is fun to think of all the kinky scenes we can design or be a part of. Why not stretch our imagination? I do for sure! 

Imagination, fantasy, is not a problem. It spurs us to be more creative, think of new and exciting ways to turn each other into pretzels, and is just plain HAWT! 

Where the issues begin is not matching our fantasies, with reality. Or more accurately not being able to distinguish between the two. Some people want to implement play that would be highly dangerous even for the most experienced players. I believe this comes mostly from a place of naivete. Where they have not learned enough to even ask the right questions yet……. and/or perhaps a bit of frenzy mixed in. Yes, frenzy happens to tops also. Then there are the nutters like me.

Whatever category you fall into, dreams have their place, but they can also be dangerous if taken too far. How do we distinguish between those fantasies and reality? A cool idea vs. an actionable scene.

  • The First Stop Sign

Safe, Sane, and Consensual (SSC) has been part of kink culture since the 80’s, Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) the 90’s, and more recently Personal Responsibility Informed Consensual Kink (PRICK…. No not that one…. eyes front). 

Consent, being the commonality in all three.

We may have this amazing idea for a new predicament bondage rig using a wagon wheel and a charged firehose; a suspension involving two bull elephants and an East Indian Mahout; or better yet melting overhead blocks of ice containing daggers that drip icy cold droplets on our slave in between the thunks of many Gerber Mark IIs burying themselves in the plywood beside them one after another as the warm breeze from my heat gun melts it all away. None of that matters if someone is not willing to say yes.

We can dream all we like, but if multiple people are saying no, and even hell no; perhaps our image of using 300-pound sheets of sugar glass to sandwich our submissive over an ant hill may not be such a brilliant idea. (I originally wrote “hot” instead of brilliant, but the hot sun is part of the scene so…. yeah there’s that.)

One last note on consent and heavy/experimental play. If the particular scene is going to happen in a place we do not personally own, we should run it by the owners of the venue first. There is not much worse than the fantasy finally coming to fruition and having a giant pile of, “NOPE!,” dropped on it by a DM or the owners themselves mid-scene. Get their consent and rig your play area accordingly to prevent interruptions.

  • The Second Stop Sign

Feasible. Has what we want to attempt been done before and by whom? (I saw Cirque De Soleil do it!)

What skills does it take to pull it off? 

Sure, as evidenced above I can come up with some off-the-wall shenanigans. If I have not developed the associated skills to do it reasonably safely then attempting the feat would be pointless. Like racing the 24 Hours at Le Mans in a Prius. Of course, what is within reason for one person, will not be the same for someone else.

I know most of what we do is not “safe,” really, I do. But having the skills to do what we are conjuring up, matters if we are planning on attempting it. Especially when it comes to preventing bad things from happening, and everybody having a good time.

I am not a fan of seriously damaging people or prison, and hopefully you are not either. So winging it….probably not a good plan. 

  • Yet Another Red Octagon bearing, “ALTO!”

Risks involving heavy/experimental play. What are they and can we mitigate them? If something does go badly, we want the negative impact to be as minimal as possible to all involved.

How can we alter our idea or put protective measures in place to lessen risks? Often that comes down to our creativity and getting help. Other folks in kink can help us identify what we need to do in order to create a better outcome. USE THEM! I do. If I come up with some crazy hairbrained scheme one of the first things I do is run it by someone else. They tell me I’m nuts and to go fuck myself….. then we have a lengthy conversation involving a lot of what ifs.

For the risks involved, do I have the skill to respond to the corresponding injuries or issues that may arise? Can I learn them? If not is there someone who can be present who does? We do not always have to be the person who knows and can do everything. However, where we have gaps, it helps to have people present who know the things we do not. 

Once you’ve assessed the risks, and talked them over with your bottom, there needs to be a real gut check for all involved. Ask the question, “Is it worth the risk?” If both of you say yes, then so be it. If one of you hesitates or says no….. it’s probably time to go back to the drawing board. (I find crayons helpful…. the colors keep things organized. And besides, who doesn’t like crayons?)

  • The Consequences

After all the planning, risk mitigation, negotiations, and discussions we must come to terms with the potential consequences. What are they and can we live with them if it does not go as planned?

Not always an easy question to answer but really, this part is no more complicated than that. 

Answer the question honestly. It does no good to lie to ourselves.

  • Ways to Help Make our Outrageous Fantasies….Kinda Sorta Come True

Get Help – Aside from having the skill, a willing and knowledgeable bottom, and measures in place, one of the best resources we have for carrying out a new-fangled adventure is another well experienced top or bottom. Someone to help us plan and evaluate; a person who can be in the room/venue who is keeping tabs on our bottom, us, and the situation as a whole; a sounding board to help keep us in check. When we do new things which are risky (well riskier than our normal), we often cannot see the forest because of the trees. Having that additional set of eyes becomes invaluable.

Break it Down- If the whole of the idea does not work together, perhaps pieces and parts can work separately until we are confident enough to launch the whole rocket at once. Even NASA experiments in stages, one piece at a time. Practicing and becoming proficient in one element, then adding another gives us a methodical way to build skill and confidence. It may take a lot longer to get to the final goal, but chances are you will be more successful.

Change it Up- What if I changed my dagger scenario from real ones to fake ones? Or used a blindfold and replaced the ice blocks with daggers my bottom observed being suspended with blocks containing golf ball sized rocks? We may not be able to do something exactly how we dreamt, but we can modify the thought into something more manageable. Let those creative juices out not just thinking of a new torture, but also solving the pending problems accompanying it.

Slight of Hand- Simulation, slight of hand, or any manner of tom foolery can help us get the effect we desire without doing exactly what we concocted whilst counting sheep and drooling on a pillow. We can set a scene one way, put a blind fold on our bottom and remove or modify the most dangerous elements. The fear/anticipation peak will likely still linger, even though we have mitigated some of the actual danger. (pssst….. mobile platforms, turn tables, and rotating walls are great for this….set two scenes one hidden and one not…. Then move your bottom accordingly 😊)

Just Dream- Some things, no matter how much we wish it, simply should not happen. That does not mean it’s gone forever; we can still talk about it. Maybe weave the fantasy into a hot dialogue during another activity to get our bottom all revved up. Tease them with the thought of it in the middle of the day via a text from work. Turn it into a hot erotic story the two of you take turns writing in a journal. Who knows, maybe they will help you game out something just as fun…. But much more doable. 

  • To Dream the Impossible Dream

Dreams are not stupid. They are budding possibilities and have driven some of the most amazing advances mankind has ever seen. Sometimes though, they should stay where they were born, in our heads. Like the Hindenburg or Return of the Living Dead Part II. (No, you horror movie freaks….it really was that bad!)

Sometimes we just need to think about our dreams differently, like using Helium instead of Hydrogen. You were flexibly minded enough to come up with the original idea…. Keep thinking, all may not be lost.

Through all of it remember we need to consider consent, feasibility, skill, resources, risks, and the consequences. Really think things through. We want this to be a phenomenal experience which will not happen if one of our elephants walks away for want of a wrangler or we drop a wagon wheel on a bare foot.

Taking a long time to plan something may take the wind out of our sails sometimes. That’s not necessarily a bad thing. If it’s that hard to pull off, we probably are not ready for it, yet. Break out the crayons.

Like everything else we do in kink, there is a balance point where things just work. Maybe we’ll find it, maybe we won’t. But for certain we will learn something along the way while scheming out our latest kinky brain bonanza.

Keep dreaming……. Our wild ideas have a place in kink too.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm safety, bdsm scene, consent, fetish, kink

On Being A Man In The Kink Scene

September 16, 2021 By SafferMaster 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

My sister died recently and one of my children said in response…”she lived well”…which I found an odd  reaction considering that she had spent many years in seclusion fighting depression, had not been able  to maintain employment, and had otherwise swindled people out of money to survive. I found his  remark, well, odd.  

Even so, his note that “she lived will” had me look at my own life from the point of view “lived well” and  to make an assessment of what that expression implies for my experience of being alive.  

As a boy, I was not particularly aware of myself. I fantasized a lot about life because I spent a lot of time  reading books, many more adult than probably made sense for a kid to read. So, I spent a lot of my  youth in fantasy. I masturbated furiously. I grew up without TV, skin magazines like Playboy and  Penthouse, were banned, and so much of my fantasy reflected the adult books I read.  

As a teenager, I became aware of my athletic prowess, and excelled at all sports. I played soccer, rugby,  cricket, tennis, squash, field hockey, and did track and field. I also swam and dived. I had great balance,  and body control and good hand-eye and foot-eye coordination and I had a high IQ for sports. I was just  not a very big fella, so I ended up growing into a competitive gymnast that competed at the very highest  level thorough high school, and I played soccer at a high level too. In class, I was the “funny guy”. I drove  teachers crazy. I became aware that girls found me sexually attractive. When I was 16, I spent time in  Berlin and hung out in sex shops. I brought home a very kinky German kink magazine that had scenes in  it with bondage, discipline, incest, anal, piss play, and more. My masturbation fantasies changed almost immediately.  

I dated girls from about age 13, although it was all very innocent until I was about 17 or 16, when Pam,  this voluptuous sexy vixen, the high school prom queen, took me into a room at a party one night and  said “I have been waiting to get you alone” and then she pushed me onto a bed and to my delight, she  sucked my cock.  

The girls came fast and furious after that. I fucked as if I was the last man on earth. And I was not at all  aware of my manhood. If she was willing, I fucked her.  

When I met, dated and then married my wife between 5 and 8 years later, I was mostly aware of the  expectations of family and society. Get married, hold down a job, have children etc., and I can now say  with certainty, that I was completely unaware of myself as a man. Sex was largely fetish free. She was  the preacher’s kid after all.  

I first became aware of my sexual masculinity about 10 years later, at age 38, This occurred in part  because while raising children, my wife simply refused me her body. Once she stopped nursing, she  persisted in her refusal. There I was, providing for her and my children and she simply turned off our  sexual connection along with the associated loss of intimacy and relatedness. the next few years were  hard. Sex is my love language.  

I had not signed up for this, so I asked for a divorce. We set about starting that process and realized that  it would be quite complicated. We agreed not to pursue it, and to have a slightly open relationship…a  don’t ask don’t tell policy. It was not workable. I was miserable. I called a lawyer. 

My first real moment of clarity occurred when about 6 years into our estrangement, even as I was still  working on terms of a divorce, she was diagnosed with breast cancer and begged me to “stay and to  make it go away”. I remember, I was speaking to my attorney on the phone, and she called on the other  line and asked to speak to me urgently. I hung up to take her call. She was hysterical and said, tearfully,  “you can’t leave now”. She asked for me help. I agreed. I set to one side my differences with her while  we set about managing and treating her illness.  

During the next 8 to 10 years or so, I learned more about my masculinity as I encountered women who  made themselves sexually available to me and who enjoyed my fetishes. On a gradient I learned more  about the full spectrum of my kink. I also discovered that when submissive women are self-expressed,  

they are more connected to their primal selves and more authentic than I was able to deal with at first. I  needed time to understand the sexual power I seemed to naturally exude.  

When I finally got divorced, I was lucky to meet several self-expressed submissive women who pushed  me to explore the darkest parts of my nature and who gave me access to the full spectrum of kink, and a  glimpse into the true power of a D/s dynamic. It was a bit of a surprise to find so many women eager to  submit. I had no idea. In many ways I was living a sheltered life till then. I learned a lot about my desires  by taking on different Dom personas. I found myself a solid disciplinarian, a sadist who enjoyed wielding  the cane and the flogger. I found chains appealing. I found I enjoyed acts of humiliation including water  sports. I discovered I liked the excitement of kink. Tying up and fucking women was more appealing than  I realized. I also came to recognize newly that for me, sex is indeed my love language, and I was  determined to find a woman who was both horny and an obedient submissive masochist. Even with  access to the full spectrum of kink, I was still empty inside. I wanted, in fact needed the intimacy of a  loving relationship in addition to the kink. In addition to a through the roof sex drive to match my own  she needed be comfortable in her body, and also searching for more than kink and sex. I craved kinky  sex for sure, but mostly I craved the intimacy that leads to a meaningful loving relationship, and I was  convinced that I needed to partner with a likeminded submissive.  

I began to truly discover my masculinity and unlock the power that the D/s dynamic allows as possible.  The deeply naturally dominant male inside me longed for and needed the power of a loving and willing  slut with whom I could accomplished the impossible. I intended to experience my own masculinity more  acutely while she herself realized her own femininity as a corollary. I wanted a partner who would jump  into the rabbit hole with me, hand in hand. It occurred to me that as much as I needed to be a sadistic  Dom, I needed a submissive slut who herself needed to explore her own masochistic tendencies. We  cannot exist at all without each other, and I set out to find her. That much was clear. As I searched for  her, luckily, I found her searching for me. Our good fortune is that we are completely aligned. It’s  perfect. We are deeply connected and aligned in every aspect of our kink and more. We have been  exploring our 24/7 TPE D/s dynamic, stretching each other and growing ourselves. It’s been amazing.  

It’s only now, 3 years in, as the Dominant partner in a Total Power Exchange with Lady Petra that I truly  have access to the deeply dominant masculine nature of my authentic self. What I thought was  dominance has changed completely inside that exchange. I am responsible for her sexuality and her  wellbeing and the impact of that has caused me to use her often and hard every single day, while at the  same time, ensuring that she is deeply fulfilled in her own sexual self-expression. Or as she puts it, I “use  her up”. There is more intimacy than I thought possible. I have learned how to be vulnerable. I have  learned how to meter my power, and how to enroll her in her submission. There is much that has come out of our dynamic, including collaring her that itself has led to such amazing blistering hot sex that I am  filled with desire for her on a daily basis. She is my muse. She is the loving object of my poetry. With her  I am fulfilled as a man like never before. I am also deeply in touch with my primal sexuality. This is new  for me and has only been true for me when I am with her and in the throes of our mutual ecstasy that  we find each other most appealing, and the sex so satisfying.  

She has given me the very best gift a man can have. My manhood. My masculinity. I am deeply grateful  to have enjoyed this chapter of my life so far. I can say now, finally, that “I have lived well” too.  

**Note, this is a personal exploration and not meant to be a commentary on masculinity in general (the author).

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm relationship, consent, contracts, dominant, fetish, kink, power exchange, protocol, rituals, submission, submissive headspace, submissive training

Timing Within BDSM Relationships

September 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

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via stock.adobe.com

Over the years, we here at kink weekly have covered collars extensively. Our two part series, “The Collar” ( https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-one/ and https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-two/ ) examine both the history and the current state of collaring. It is safe to say that collaring has changed over the years. But the following question reflects more than just change; it asks about a whole new way of collaring. The question, please:

Reader: I know my Dom for a month and he wants to collar me. But, he wants it to be permanent and have it welded closed. Is it too soon for such a commitment? As a female, I am always wary about being rushed into things. Is this a red flag or am I just being overly cautious?

I like the idea of a collar that is welded shut. (Of course, this takes expertise and should be done by a professional skilled in the welding art. If your Dom wants to do it himself, and his hands shake, run!) My own view – and this is my personal opinion only – is that there are too many ‘Velcro’ collars given out hastily, with little regard to their meaning. This brings us to the main part of your question – the significance of the collar to both of you and the timing of giving such a collar.

Before I begin to opine on your question, let me offer a disclaimer. “In the rare case a permanent collar causes a four-hour erection, see your doctor.” Oops, wrong disclaimer! (Or, maybe not. It just might be that a welded collar gives your Dom a four-hour erection. After all, collars are hot and, in his eyes, a welded collar might be super hot!) The real disclaimer involves the inconsistency of timing and/or values between people.

One month might appear quick to one person, while to another it might look like an eternity. One person might think of the significance of a collar one way, another views it in a totally different way. With regard to timing and significance, there is both good news and bad news in the answer to your question.The good news is that both of you are on the same page with respect to the meaning of the collar. He looks at it in a “until the welder do us part” way. And, you do too. Otherwise, you would not be willing to consider such a collar.

I believe that both the “collar-er” and the “collar-ee” should have similar views on its significance to make a D/s relationship work. A Velcro Dom should collar a Velcro sub. A Dominant who looks at the collar like a marriage should collar a submissive with similar views. In your case, the collar is equally meaningful both of you. Great!

Now, the bad news — although, not so bad. It is in the timing of this collar where you have a disconnect. Your Dom thinks one month is enough time to permanently collar you; you are not as sure. If BDSM traditions and common sense can be used as guideline, I agree with you. With rare exceptions, thirty days would appear to be too fast for such an all-encompassing commitment.

M/s and D/s requires a lot from both partners. Thus, many in the lifestyle, including me, believe a “courtship” period is necessary. Vanilla, shmanilla. This has worked in every lifestyle for hundreds of years. And, we have the perfect system for doing this – the “collar of consideration.” What an engagement ring is to marriage, the “collar of consideration” is to Master/slave. And, three to six months is the perfect range for this type of collar. If it works out, bring on the welder! You should respectfully ask your Dom what he thinks of a “collar of consideration.”

Find out his views. Let him know you look forward to a welded collar, but you want to get it right. He might be more understanding than you would assume. Never assume, ask. After all, he doesn’t want this collar to come off. And, the best way to assure this result is to not only weld it shut, but to also communicate effectively. Unless there is some unexplained circumstance, I don’t see the rush to collar you. If you assume your relationship will last years – which is the kind of permanence a welded collar implies – then what is the difference in waiting a few more months? After all, you really don’t want to call the welder twice!

Nevertheless, I find the idea of the welded collar extremely hot.


After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm relationship, collar, collaring, collaring ceremony, consent, contracts, dominant, fetish, kink, power exchange, protocol, rituals, submissive

Consent in a 24/7 TPE Power Exchange

August 26, 2021 By SafferMaster 3 Comments

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Everything in kink requires consent. It is only inside of consent that the activities we engage in can occur.  Without consent, many of the activities we engage in might in fact be considered crimes. From 1,000  feet away, that is certainly true. On the other hand, simple things, especially now that the nation is  opening up again and we are starting to hear about clubs and play spaces opening up again, engaging  with kinksters in a public space requires consent. “Is it ok if I do this ….?”  

Negotiating in pick up-play for instance, requires at the very minimum, that consent around hard limits  is discussed and agreed to, but what about consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic? How is consent managed  where one person gifts their power to another.  

In our situation, I am a sensual sadist, and my partner is a submissive masochist. For me to be fully self expressed in my sexuality, I need her to operate as my uninhibited collared slut that gifts me her  submission with her consent. It is a given.  

The question that consideration raises though is how do I know I have her consent? Its not like we go  through a daily scene with me asking her with every action I take if I have her consent. So how do I know.  

One aspect of our dynamic is that we both operate with the full understanding that each of us is 100%  responsible for the health of the dynamic. That requires that each of us respond to any event, thought,  statement or suspicion that there is something perhaps out of sorts by addressing it immediately. We  also hold an especially important context of our dynamic at all times. That being that there is nothing  wrong. So if one of us sees or says something that raises concern, that awareness arises in context that  there is nothing wrong so we can deal with what’s actually so. We do not allow stories to enter into the  discussion. At first, as we were getting related and learning about each other’s habits and routines, we  had cause to have a conversation around this idea that “there is nothing wrong” and once we  established that as a context for our relationship, there have been few if any circumstances where we  would have to address each other from a place of mistrust.  

Another aspect of our dynamic is that we are both sex forward and kink forward. This is something that  was established even before we met. We both wanted to live in a dynamic that was highly sexualized.  The upshot of that is that we play almost daily. The result of having over 1,000 iterations of our kinky  sexuality expressed lives as lived is that we know each other pretty well. I know when I am pushing her  limits and I know when she is on the edge. I am responsible for keeping her on the edge and not taking  her past her limit.  

At the beginning of our sceneing, once she had been claimed, and even to this day after being collared,  she has safe words. Yellow for “I like this but it’s a bit too intense at the moment, keep going” to “Red”  which in our world is simply to “stop now, check in and see if we should continue”. And remember,  there is nothing wrong, so reding out is not a big deal. At the same time, I can tell you that she has used  “yellow” a couple times 3 years ago, and she has never needed to red out. She was told at the outset  that “I don’t break my toys”. This gave her confidence to test her limits.  

This brings me to the most important part of consent in a 24/7 TPE dynamic. Consent is based entirely on trust. 

I have had to earn her trust over time as her Master and as her Dom.  

Consider when we met, I had been operating as a disciplinarian in one dynamic and has a cruel sadist in  another and as a Bull in another and she had never been in a kink dynamic although she had been doing kinky things all through her adult life.  

We had to find a way to relate as kinksters so that our dynamic pulled each of us in directions that we  wanted to explore, and to expand our experience of our own sexuality as we explored the twists and  turns of the rabbit hole together. This was a process of trial and error. Mostly we talked a lot. Before, during, and after scenes. I tried many fetishes and kinks with her and she had the experience of being all  in. When things got too hard, she yellowed and after when asked about things we did, she would say, “I  liked this, or I didn’t like that”. This enabled me to hone the ways we played so that I kept her in a state  of heightened arousal, which is what I find deeply arousing. I want her in a trance state on the verge of climax at all times during our scenes.  

I am sexually aroused when the woman I am with is present with me and puts herself forward to be my  sex toy. My 3-hole slut, my personal masochist. And my partner, Lady Petra does just that. The trust that  is present goes both ways. There are times I want her to Top in a scene to explore some aspect of my  own sexuality, like prostate massage for example, and I need to have complete and unwavering trust in her too.  

One of the ways I know I have her consent is that she chooses to kneel for me whenever I ask. I have  also given her the right to choose to kneel without my request so that if she feels the urge to be used,  she can request that I use her by presenting herself. If she did not feel like I had her consent she would  never put herself forward to be used day after day. The act of preparing for use is consent itself.  

The fact that in being used, she experiences multiple squirting orgasms for about 40-90 minutes at a  time is perhaps one reason that she consistently puts herself forward…but I contend that our  communication is clean enough that if she did have something to discuss regarding our play or our  dynamic, she would do so.  

Our dynamic is a 24/7 dynamic in fact. It encompasses every aspect of life. We have created protocols  for many of the specifics that day to day life requires. Why that is important is that our adherence to  protocols allows us to keep a monitor on the relationship in the same way that a pilot monitors his or  her instrument panel. All the dials on the jet’s instrument panel point in one direction. So, if one dial is  out of sorts (pointing away from vertical), the pilot will notice it immediately. This is similar. If there is  not adherence to one or another protocol it is similar to the instrument panel dial pointing in the wrong  direction. In our dynamic that is unlikely though, because Lady Petra is extraordinarily obedient, and I am very much turned on by her obedience.  

One aspect of our consent agreements boils down to this. We agree to put the dynamic aside and speak  as equals if need be. Early on in our dynamic, we had to do this a couple of times till we could get flat  about whatever it was that was bothering one or the other of us. For more than 2 years now, that has  not come up. One reason is that we are both being responsible for the dynamic as I noted earlier. We take the idea of creating the dynamic seriously.  

I am responsible for creating how I occur to her. She is responsible for creating how she occurs to me.  She pulls me to her by they way she shows up for me. She creates me when she prepares herself to be used and lets me know that she is indeed ready for me. This means that however long it takes me to get  there, I will find her kneeling offering me her leash, or on days when she is ready to be marked, she offers me the cane.  

I am also responsible for how she occurs to me. Consider that. If she is upset, its my responsibility. Its up  to me to get to the bottom of it and to do whatever is needed to get her back to being happy. I leave her  the way I leave her. So, when she is upset, I own it, and when I say I am responsible for how she is  experiencing me, it is both disarming and affirming. The point is that it is my responsibility to create her  experience as my collared slut. I want her fully enrolled in being my personal masochist. My personal  perfectly designed 3-hole whore. My fuck toy. I want her to have the experience of feeling like being  with me is a magic carpet ride. Every day. How do I know I have her consent? Because after I use her,  she sits up and takes my face in her hands and kisses me passionately telling me that I am a magician.  We describe our experience together as “bliss”. We both experience what our Tantra friends call “a  Kundalini Awakening”.  

I have her consent because we are both experiencing the deepest, most connected, most intimate,  highly sexualized, satisfying, passionate, hottest loving relationship we can possibly imagine. And we  created it. It has turned out better than we could possibly expect.  

She chooses to kneel for me. This is how I know I have her consent.  


SafferMaster and Lady Petra offer Kink Relationship Coaching with online, group, and personal coaching  options.  

You can access the coaching services offered by Lady Petra Playground by reaching out for an initial  conversation- LadyPetraPlaground@gmail.com  

New coaching content can be found on out Patreon: https://www.patreon.com/LadyPetrasPlayground  

Lady Petra and SafferMaster also produce the Kinky cocktail Hour podcast available on all podcast  platforms and here: https://kinkycocktailhour.buzzsprout.com/  

Tagged With: bdsm play, bdsm relationship, consent, contracts, dominant, master, mistess, power exchange, protocol, rituals, slave, submissive, submissive headspace, submissive training, subspace, tpe

Video: When My Boundaries Were Crossed During Bondage

August 19, 2021 By Evie Lupine 2 Comments

Consent is key! Respecting boundaries for ourselves and others is paramount!

With this being said, check out this informative video by the fabulous Evie Lupine!

My Boundaries Were Crossed in Bondage. Here's What Happened.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm community, bdsm play, bdsm relationship, bdsm scene, boundaries, consent, fetish, hard limits, kink, negotiation, non-consensual, safety consent, soft limits

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