Will

My girl has the same set bedtime ritual; place clothes in laundry basket, remove make-up, wash face, brush teeth, crawl on her knees to the bed, have a chain padlocked onto her collar for the night…You know, normal bedtime stuff.

Over the length of our relationship more and more rules have been brought into our ongoing dynamic. The rules started with small things, easy to remember instructions, uncomplicated. Everything was designed for her to be easy to follow. The objective with setting her rules was not for them to be challenging, it was never to set her objectives that she would fail to achieve. The reason for setting simple rules was to help her get use to obeying.

By giving her simple instructions that she could easily follow I had lots of excuses to reward her. This was the first step in building the positive reinforcement pattern which made her look forwards to receiving new rules and following them.

Obedience is not enough.

The training of compliance falls into a number of specific steps.

First is the rule, that is for us to create. What do we wish to achieve, and how do we want it to be achieved?

Next we have to communicate the rule. There is an entire art to this as well, it is important that however we introduce the rule we are certain we have explained it clearly and there is no misunderstanding in what we are expecting of them. Any vaguity at this point shall certainly come back to haunt us. If they fail to follow a rule and achieve our objective because they did not understand then that is on us, not them.

Now we come to what I consider the optional steps, first I shall explain them, then I shall explain why I think they can eventually be done away with and why I think it worth doing so.

Once a rule is explained it is almost inevitable that we shall be asked why there is a new rule. This can be explained in a positive, negative or neutral manner. Positive explanations take the form of: I enjoy this and I want more of it, I like it when you do this so I want it to become a pattern of behaviour. Negative explanations can often be expressed as a dissatisfaction: I have noticed you have been doing something I don’t approve of, I don’t like it when you do this so you won’t any more. Neutral take no stance, it is often more experimental: I want to try doing this, I want to see how this rule effects us.

Which even method of explanation you choose to use the end of the explanation should always include the objective. The objective is the justification of the rule. Your partner should be able understand how once the objective is achieved it will be a positive thing for your relationship. This helps them to become invested in the new rule.

Once the rule is understood and both parties are invested in following it there is the positive reinforcement of rewarding adherence to the rule. These rewards can be achievement based, something to strive for and to keep them going through any difficult parts of the new rule. You might choose to reward them throughout the period of their compliance. Small, regular rewards allow you to let them know that their obedience is recognised and valued.

Achievement of the rule normally takes two major forms, either to turn a rule into an unconscious habit so that it is followed without the need for constant maintenance or to achieve a very particular objective, a one off behaviour perhaps.

But why?

It is normal to question orders when we first receive them. We want to know why we are doing something, what purpose is there to it, why should we do it? This is even more the case if the new order changes our normal pattern of behaviour, or is challenging to achieve.

As I first started to introduce new rules into my girls day to day life I would spend time explaining the reason for each of the rules. I would talk through the reasoning of the rule, the objective, even the ramifications for failing. Sometimes I would indulge my sadistic nature and give her a very practical demonstration of the punishment that awaited her in case she even considered not obeying my rule.

Over time I would give her less reasons, I would simply tell her what the rule was, and why I wanted her to follow it. Until finally I would just tell her what I expected of her. When she would question me as to the reasons for a new rule rather than explain I would ask her “Do you need to understand to obey?” and she would agree that she didn’t need to. I would simply restate the rule, and make sure she understood what was expected.

Obedience is its own reward.

In the same way that the explanations would start to fall away as she grew more comfortable with receiving new rules so did the rewards. Rather than persistently providing positive reinforcement throughout the time of a new rule settling in to a pattern of behaviour I would rather only reward her intermittently. I would make a point of sometimes holding her against a wall and just telling her how proud I was of her, how she was a good girl, how she pleased me.

However these moments of positive emotional reinforcement are not tied to specific actions of hers, but rather her ongoing obedience and following of rules, old and new. By not tying these moments to specific actions it rather connects positivity to having rules at all.

If someone is only following a rule because they want the reward at the end of it then the rules are only a chore to get through before getting what they really want. Training has focused on helping my partner to find satisfaction in obedience, not in rewards. If she enjoys following orders and achieving my objectives then any new rule is welcomed as another chance to derive satisfaction from obedience. Rather than trying to follow rules because she wants a reward, she wants to follow a rule because it feels good to follow rules.

Obedience does not require understanding or rewards.

By shifting her attention from why she is obeying to just obeying she can focus on that, without any distractions of independent thought. Having her rewards be more about a sense of satisfaction and emotional affirmation she is not chasing a reward but rather is able to find comfort in her ongoing obedience.

She does not need to to understand to be satisfied in her obedience. Her satisfaction comes from obedience, not understanding. She does not need a grand reward to feel her obedience is valued. Her satisfaction comes from obedience, not rewards.

I recently asked my partner why she crawls into bed every night. She looked a little puzzled and offered the answer of “It reminds me of my place? Maybe? I don’t really know, I hadn’t thought about why.”

My girl obeys without understanding, and that satisfies us both.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day. We were discussing the word “slut”, it was a word that had been used to hurt her in the past, now it was a word she was claiming back. I was impressed by her strength and determination, while also being reminded that words can leave invisible wounds that we carry with us through daily life. The word slut had been used to intentionally hurt her, and it had succeed. The very same word that had been so hurtful to her was the same I used with affection or kinky cruelty, as the situation dictated, with partners of mine.

I have no negative association with the word “slut”, nor do any of my partners. It is a word that is used in our play, sometimes to tease but never with real malice. It is not a word that hurts them, although sometimes they might blush depending on the context.

Do you really want to hurt me.

We often play with things that hurt; floggers, whips, words… In play we help make dangerous experiences safe by letting our partners act out fantasies of helplessness or victimhood while we keep them safe. Some people find a catharsis in play, reenacting situations and reclaiming them by doing so (Even as we talk about some of the psychology of play we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that plenty of times we just do it because it is fun).

When we are swinging away with a flogger it is easy to notice where the blows land, to judge how hard the strike are. With words it is far harder to measure, but the damage can be far more severe.

If someone wields a cane carelessly it can easily split the skin and leave long lasting scars. Words can certainly do the same, so we must treat them with just as much respect and care.

Do you really want to make me cry.

There is a practice I use in my D/s dynamics to encourage certain behaviors called experiential framing. It is the method by which we provide a positive or a negative structure to an event. One particular aspect of it is the use of affirmative, encouraging terms when describing behaviors we wish our partners to repeat. There is a risk that we might assume the correct method to discourage behavior would be the reverse of this practice. We might therefor think that we should use negative terms to discourage negative behaviors.

We should pause before doing so.

I strongly advocate the use of positive reinforcement in the development of consensual D/s training while keeping negative activities safely confined to play environments. This extends to the situational use of words. If I use the word “slut” to refer to my partner during play, and only during play, then it doesn’t have any weight outside of that situation. However, if I start to use the word “slut” disparagingly outside of play then it takes on a negative connotation which extends into both the real world and the play space.

Think of play as a one way space, things that happen within that space might be safely contained within it, but things from the outside world might well leak into it. During a scene we might make someone feel scared of us, but at the end we are the one cuddling them with tea and chocolate, making them feel safe. If we scare someone in the outside world then they will almost certainly carry that fear into any scene with us.

In the same way that we do not want our partner to flinch in the day to day world when we raise our hand quickly, we do not want them to flinch when we call them a “slut” during play.

Words that burn me.

24/7 style D/s should be a positive experience for everyone involved, the intentional disparity of power matched by a disparity in the obligation of care. If we take on the responsibility of framing another persons experiences we also take the responsibility for possibly redefining their relationship with words. We need to know the impact that our words can have.

If I want my partner to always feel a negative association with a word then I would use it in our day to day interactions intentionally. I would surround it with words designed to make her feel bad about herself, her actions. If I did this I would want to be very careful about why I was doing it and what word I would want to use. It is like loading a gun and leaving it lying about for anyone to use, but even worse, many people might mistake it for nothing more than a water pistol.

Empowered words which are commonly used in the outside world can open up those invisible wounds without any intention. As such it is the responsibility of the person who first causes the wound. Every single time that person is hurt by a word you loaded with intention it is your responsibility.

Words are tokens.

Society condemns many of us for the simple fact that we enjoy sex, in a multitude of ways. There is a rich vocabulary of words developed to shame people, especially women, for their sexual natures. We can help with the reclaiming of words, the rejection of condemnation, by using kink to re-frame our relationship with these words. We also have the power to give meaning to words, to emotionally load them.

It is our responsibility to be as careful with words made to hurt as we would be with any tool we use to inflict pleasurable pain. In the same way we would ask about using certain toys in play perhaps we should consider checking about certain words? While it may well not be our responsibility that invisible wounds are there we can still show care for those we play with by checking, and do our best not to cause any new wounds.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.