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Home » Will

Will

Obedience vs. Understanding

November 10, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments


My girl has the same set bedtime ritual; place clothes in laundry basket, remove make-up, wash face, brush teeth, crawl on her knees to the bed, have a chain padlocked onto her collar for the night…You know, normal bedtime stuff.

Over the length of our relationship more and more rules have been brought into our ongoing dynamic. The rules started with small things, easy to remember instructions, uncomplicated. Everything was designed for her to be easy to follow. The objective with setting her rules was not for them to be challenging, it was never to set her objectives that she would fail to achieve. The reason for setting simple rules was to help her get use to obeying.

By giving her simple instructions that she could easily follow I had lots of excuses to reward her. This was the first step in building the positive reinforcement pattern which made her look forwards to receiving new rules and following them.

Obedience is not enough.

The training of compliance falls into a number of specific steps.

First is the rule, that is for us to create. What do we wish to achieve, and how do we want it to be achieved?

Next we have to communicate the rule. There is an entire art to this as well, it is important that however we introduce the rule we are certain we have explained it clearly and there is no misunderstanding in what we are expecting of them. Any vaguity at this point shall certainly come back to haunt us. If they fail to follow a rule and achieve our objective because they did not understand then that is on us, not them.

Now we come to what I consider the optional steps, first I shall explain them, then I shall explain why I think they can eventually be done away with and why I think it worth doing so.

Once a rule is explained it is almost inevitable that we shall be asked why there is a new rule. This can be explained in a positive, negative or neutral manner. Positive explanations take the form of: I enjoy this and I want more of it, I like it when you do this so I want it to become a pattern of behaviour. Negative explanations can often be expressed as a dissatisfaction: I have noticed you have been doing something I don’t approve of, I don’t like it when you do this so you won’t any more. Neutral take no stance, it is often more experimental: I want to try doing this, I want to see how this rule effects us.

Which even method of explanation you choose to use the end of the explanation should always include the objective. The objective is the justification of the rule. Your partner should be able understand how once the objective is achieved it will be a positive thing for your relationship. This helps them to become invested in the new rule.

Once the rule is understood and both parties are invested in following it there is the positive reinforcement of rewarding adherence to the rule. These rewards can be achievement based, something to strive for and to keep them going through any difficult parts of the new rule. You might choose to reward them throughout the period of their compliance. Small, regular rewards allow you to let them know that their obedience is recognised and valued.

Achievement of the rule normally takes two major forms, either to turn a rule into an unconscious habit so that it is followed without the need for constant maintenance or to achieve a very particular objective, a one off behaviour perhaps.

But why?

It is normal to question orders when we first receive them. We want to know why we are doing something, what purpose is there to it, why should we do it? This is even more the case if the new order changes our normal pattern of behaviour, or is challenging to achieve.

As I first started to introduce new rules into my girls day to day life I would spend time explaining the reason for each of the rules. I would talk through the reasoning of the rule, the objective, even the ramifications for failing. Sometimes I would indulge my sadistic nature and give her a very practical demonstration of the punishment that awaited her in case she even considered not obeying my rule.

Over time I would give her less reasons, I would simply tell her what the rule was, and why I wanted her to follow it. Until finally I would just tell her what I expected of her. When she would question me as to the reasons for a new rule rather than explain I would ask her “Do you need to understand to obey?” and she would agree that she didn’t need to. I would simply restate the rule, and make sure she understood what was expected.

Obedience is its own reward.

In the same way that the explanations would start to fall away as she grew more comfortable with receiving new rules so did the rewards. Rather than persistently providing positive reinforcement throughout the time of a new rule settling in to a pattern of behaviour I would rather only reward her intermittently. I would make a point of sometimes holding her against a wall and just telling her how proud I was of her, how she was a good girl, how she pleased me.

However these moments of positive emotional reinforcement are not tied to specific actions of hers, but rather her ongoing obedience and following of rules, old and new. By not tying these moments to specific actions it rather connects positivity to having rules at all.

If someone is only following a rule because they want the reward at the end of it then the rules are only a chore to get through before getting what they really want. Training has focused on helping my partner to find satisfaction in obedience, not in rewards. If she enjoys following orders and achieving my objectives then any new rule is welcomed as another chance to derive satisfaction from obedience. Rather than trying to follow rules because she wants a reward, she wants to follow a rule because it feels good to follow rules.

Obedience does not require understanding or rewards.

By shifting her attention from why she is obeying to just obeying she can focus on that, without any distractions of independent thought. Having her rewards be more about a sense of satisfaction and emotional affirmation she is not chasing a reward but rather is able to find comfort in her ongoing obedience.

She does not need to to understand to be satisfied in her obedience. Her satisfaction comes from obedience, not understanding. She does not need a grand reward to feel her obedience is valued. Her satisfaction comes from obedience, not rewards.

I recently asked my partner why she crawls into bed every night. She looked a little puzzled and offered the answer of “It reminds me of my place? Maybe? I don’t really know, I hadn’t thought about why.”

My girl obeys without understanding, and that satisfies us both.


About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, Will

Frame The Experience

June 2, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments


A friend of mine and I were talking the other day. We were discussing the word “slut”, it was a word that had been used to hurt her in the past, now it was a word she was claiming back. I was impressed by her strength and determination, while also being reminded that words can leave invisible wounds that we carry with us through daily life. The word slut had been used to intentionally hurt her, and it had succeed. The very same word that had been so hurtful to her was the same I used with affection or kinky cruelty, as the situation dictated, with partners of mine.

I have no negative association with the word “slut”, nor do any of my partners. It is a word that is used in our play, sometimes to tease but never with real malice. It is not a word that hurts them, although sometimes they might blush depending on the context.

Do you really want to hurt me.

We often play with things that hurt; floggers, whips, words… In play we help make dangerous experiences safe by letting our partners act out fantasies of helplessness or victimhood while we keep them safe. Some people find a catharsis in play, reenacting situations and reclaiming them by doing so (Even as we talk about some of the psychology of play we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that plenty of times we just do it because it is fun).

When we are swinging away with a flogger it is easy to notice where the blows land, to judge how hard the strike are. With words it is far harder to measure, but the damage can be far more severe.

If someone wields a cane carelessly it can easily split the skin and leave long lasting scars. Words can certainly do the same, so we must treat them with just as much respect and care.

Do you really want to make me cry.

There is a practice I use in my D/s dynamics to encourage certain behaviors called experiential framing. It is the method by which we provide a positive or a negative structure to an event. One particular aspect of it is the use of affirmative, encouraging terms when describing behaviors we wish our partners to repeat. There is a risk that we might assume the correct method to discourage behavior would be the reverse of this practice. We might therefor think that we should use negative terms to discourage negative behaviors.

We should pause before doing so.

I strongly advocate the use of positive reinforcement in the development of consensual D/s training while keeping negative activities safely confined to play environments. This extends to the situational use of words. If I use the word “slut” to refer to my partner during play, and only during play, then it doesn’t have any weight outside of that situation. However, if I start to use the word “slut” disparagingly outside of play then it takes on a negative connotation which extends into both the real world and the play space.

Think of play as a one way space, things that happen within that space might be safely contained within it, but things from the outside world might well leak into it. During a scene we might make someone feel scared of us, but at the end we are the one cuddling them with tea and chocolate, making them feel safe. If we scare someone in the outside world then they will almost certainly carry that fear into any scene with us.

In the same way that we do not want our partner to flinch in the day to day world when we raise our hand quickly, we do not want them to flinch when we call them a “slut” during play.

Words that burn me.

24/7 style D/s should be a positive experience for everyone involved, the intentional disparity of power matched by a disparity in the obligation of care. If we take on the responsibility of framing another persons experiences we also take the responsibility for possibly redefining their relationship with words. We need to know the impact that our words can have.

If I want my partner to always feel a negative association with a word then I would use it in our day to day interactions intentionally. I would surround it with words designed to make her feel bad about herself, her actions. If I did this I would want to be very careful about why I was doing it and what word I would want to use. It is like loading a gun and leaving it lying about for anyone to use, but even worse, many people might mistake it for nothing more than a water pistol.

Empowered words which are commonly used in the outside world can open up those invisible wounds without any intention. As such it is the responsibility of the person who first causes the wound. Every single time that person is hurt by a word you loaded with intention it is your responsibility.

Words are tokens.

Society condemns many of us for the simple fact that we enjoy sex, in a multitude of ways. There is a rich vocabulary of words developed to shame people, especially women, for their sexual natures. We can help with the reclaiming of words, the rejection of condemnation, by using kink to re-frame our relationship with these words. We also have the power to give meaning to words, to emotionally load them.

It is our responsibility to be as careful with words made to hurt as we would be with any tool we use to inflict pleasurable pain. In the same way we would ask about using certain toys in play perhaps we should consider checking about certain words? While it may well not be our responsibility that invisible wounds are there we can still show care for those we play with by checking, and do our best not to cause any new wounds.


About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Tagged With: bdsm, fetish, kink, Will

Trust and Kink

December 30, 2018 By Will Hunt 3 Comments


We talk a great deal about consent in the kink community, as we should, however, I fear we sometimes do so at the the expense of other important aspects of a healthy kink relationship. In this article I want to go beyond consent and explore the role of trust in D/s dynamics.

We are going to explore it from two perspectives, that of the responsibility of the Top to be trustworthy and the reciprocal responsibility of the Bottom to be trusting.

Trustworthy tops make trusting bottoms

Trust is the solid foundation upon which a kink relationship may be built, it is what lets us explore further, take risk and be able to be our complete selves with another person. Being open about our kinks can make us very vulnerable and we take an additional risk with every new revelation. When our partner reveals a new kink to us they may be battling against every voice that has ever told them they won’t be accepted. As the Top we have to be the calm voice of acceptance, gently teasing out of them what they want. We must build ourselves in their mind as such a figure of authority that we can counter all those negative voices. Our partners must trust us more than fear the spectres of their own imagination.

When someone has enough trust in us to reveal a desire we must respect that and act to encourage further trust. Even small things are important, because it is only if we can be trusted with those little things that we can ever show that we can be trusted with the big stuff. Why would any of us ever reveal a deep kink if our partner responds to our interest in something relatively minor, spanking maybe, with ridicule or disgust?

To do and to be seen to do.

I believe it is not only important to be trustworthy but also to be seen to be trustworthy. We want and need for them to feel that they can come to us with anything. Be active in acting on information they share. If they have taken the risk of revealing something that makes them vulnerable then show them the respect of making the effort of engaging with it, don’t just say they are accepted, show they are accepted. If they say they want to engage in an activity, you be the one to suggest when it could be done.

Given all that I have said I think it is important to highlight that acceptance does not mean we need to engage in every kink our partner expresses an interest in. There are kinks that partners of mine enjoy, and I do not. That certainly doesn’t mean I would ridicule or condemn those kinks. If I am not into them it does not make them wrong. I will say that isn’t a kink of mine, but I always want them to feel safe exploring and enjoying the wholeness of who they are. Just because I do not want to do a certain activity does not mean I don’t want to support them in their right to have an interest in it.

I am lucky enough that even if I don’t enjoy an activity I probably know someone who does, and who is very good at it. Within the dynamics of my relationship I can encourage a partner to explore their kinks with others. The key here is encouragement, acceptance and support, even if it is something I am not actively doing with them.

So far everything I have touched upon has been about how we as Tops can respect and encourage trust. However there is an element of trust in D/s relationships that may be overlooked, that of the Top trusting the Bottom to communicate well and to be honest about their needs and wants. If our first step is in making ourselves trustworthy then the second step belongs to the Bottom.

Death by awkwardness

I am sure we have all been trapped in the horrific British awkwardness of the “Where would you like to eat?” “Whatever you would like to.” “Well how about Indian?” “If you would like to.” “Do you want to?” cycle. In thousands of years time archaeologist shall find the mummified remains of many a British couple so trapped in an endless cycle of indecision to the point of death.

Confidence, that is what is needed to break out of this cycle. How do we develop this confidence? It cannot happen in a vacuum, we need our Bottoms to help us, we need to trust them.

Let us explore the British awkwardness cycle of death. Someone desperately needs to make a decisive choice. There are two ways out of this, making a choice when you do not care about the other person’s opinion, or the other when you know them well enough that you feel confident making a choice for both of you. Now the first solution, of not caring, is not one I would entertain at all, and the second means we need confidence.

So where do we derive this confidence from? As with so many things I believe it comes from information.

One honest conversation

I often say to my bottoms that we need to have one honest conversation. Just once I need to have them tell me what they want, how they want it, what their desires are. After that one conversation I can take the lead, I can be confident in knowing what my partner wants.

One of the great tricks in good D/s is the Tops pretending that we are big bad Doms who do just what we want all the time and the poor Bottom is helpless. We can keep this up if we feel confident that the information we are working with is accurate and honest. I would feel terrible if I set up a big scene based on what I thought were a Bottoms likes and desires, only to find out afterwards that they hadn’t enjoyed the scene. That might make me hesitate, question my every action in future and that in turn has a knock on effect on the confidence my Bottom might have in me. We may even get sucked back into the British awkwardness cycle of death. “Is it okay to spank you?” “If you would like to.” “I would like to if you would like to.” and so on ad infinitum.

If I am to pretend to force them, to take on the role of the confident sadist I need to not be double checking everything I do. This means I need to be able to trust my Bottom to have honestly told me what they want. It also means I need to be able to trust them to communicate mid-scene as well. I need to know they will safeword if the need arises.

Finding our feet

It may take us a while to find our feet, to learn what we want from each other in a new relationship. As such it is okay not to know exactly what you want to begin with, just make sure to express that.

The Top needs to be trustworthy from the beginning even as we are learning how we will engage with this new person. The Bottom has the luxury of having time to learn what they want to do. However, once they have they need to remember their Top is not a mind reader, and they have to tell them.

We can only do so much to make ourselves a safe person to confide in, we then need our partners to be honest. We cannot effectively lead with any sort of confidence if we don’t believe our partner. The responsibility for when people act in good faith on false information rests squarely on the shoulders of the one who provided the false information. Bottoms need to be aware of that and accept it when they consider how they communicate with their Tops. There is only so much responsibility we Tops can take on. However that does not absolve us of our responsibility, we are in a position of greater authority and thus our responsibility is greater.

Trust in turn

Trust goes both way. Each of us involved in the relationship might have a greater or lesser role in developing that trust, but we must never forget that while it is Tops who may be supposed to lead it is good Bottoms that make us good Tops.

D/s relationships are filled with nuances of emotional meaning, here revealing a kink is not just saying “I want to do naughty things with you.” it is also saying “I trust you enough to tell you these secrets.” and when we reply by saying “I would like to do those naughty things with you.” we are also saying “I accept who you are, you are safe being who you are with me.”


About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Tagged With: bdsm, bottom, fetish, kink, power exchange, Top, Will

Why My Girl Isn’t Allowed To Say “No”

December 2, 2018 By Will Hunt 4 Comments


I am sure we have all heard the sweaty, uber-dom declare; “True submissives I play with don’t have safe-words.” and “My partner isn’t allowed to say no to me.” followed by a grin which could only be described as unfortunate.

I would argue that such an attitude is at best pointless posturing and at worst an indicator of dangerous abuse. So let us explore these two points, the role each has to play in kink and why I would disagree with this attitude.

First; safe-words.

Safe-words are an integral part of how we provide clear lines of communication throughout our community. Whatever the situation, I don’t think there is a one of us whose ears don’t prick up at the shout of “Red!” in any environment. I think it would be arrogant in the extreme for any of us to think we are so skilled in the reading of body language as not to need, and appreciate, a verbal cue for when things are going too far.

But there is a risk to these short cuts, to relying too heavily upon a presumed common language. Kink lexicography is not yet set and as such can be treacherous.

I have played with people for whom Red! meant: “Stop the scene, untie me, get a blanket it is aftercare time.” While for others it means: “Stop doing what you are doing, check in with me and maybe we shall continue.” For others it even means: “Stop using that item, but carry on with something else.”

These are just three definitions of the same word, and none of them are wrong, just different. However what happens when I expect someone to use Red! to mean stop using the cane and switch to a flogger, where as for them it means: “Untie me and give me aftercare, asap!” In my mind I have respected their consent rules, but for them they are still tied down and only thing that has changed is that I am now using a flogger. What they need and have expressed hasn’t been respected.

This precise concern is what has lead to some refinement of our kink language, many people now use a “traffic light” system; Green, Amber, Red. Green to mean carry on or even do more, Amber to say slow down or switch what you are doing, and Red as a clear indicator to end the scene.

I am a huge fan of pre-scene negotiation which doesn’t just include what they want to do, but also what to do if things go wrong. What kind of aftercare do they want at the end of a scene? What about if they need to safe-word, what kind of aftercare do they need then? What does Red mean to them? How do they let me know something has gone wrong if they cannot talk? The more time we spend learning all this before a scene the better we can mitigate the risk of needing to use any of the information.

This is also the time to check with them what type of safe-words they use, do they use a traffic light system? What does Red mean for them?

Communication is so important at this time, so that we can properly understand each other in the midst of play. Defining how safe-words work for you and your partner is far better done while having a cup of tea than when one of you is hanging upside down on a cross, blindfolded, whips cracking and music going.

Now is the bit where I horribly contradict myself! Remember that less than pleasant fellow I described at the beginning; the uber-dom with the regrettable smile. Yep, him, well here is the confession, I don’t let my partner say no to me either.

So why would I say all that I have about safe words, and the importance of communication when I am now saying I don’t let my partner say no to me? First let me explain that just because my partner cannot say no to me it does not mean she cannot disagree with me. In fact it is precisely because of my love of communication that she is not allowed to say no. When I am playing with someone who I am not in a relationship with, with whom the scene shall be self contained, safe-words are perfectly sufficient and they can say no about anything we discuss, but in my D/s relationships I need more.

I draw a clear distinction between my play relationships and my D/s relationships. One of the biggest differences is that in my play relationships there is no expectation on either party outside of the scene, we play, play ends, we are back to being friends. However, in my D/s relationships a scene is just part of the greater relationship, there are expectations which exist at all times. During a scene the dynamic might be heightened but that relationship does not end when the scene ends.

My D/s relationships thrive when I am fed information, the more I have the better I can structure and direct our relationship. I encourage clear communication whenever possible, and so I don’t let my partner just say “no”. They have to give me a reason, they need to explain why they don’t want to follow an instruction. They know that they need to be able to articulate a problem to me, it forces them to think about why they don’t want to do something, what reason they have and then to express it to me.

If I were to make a statement about an intended activity and she responded simply with “No” then that shuts down the conversation. I am left with no new information and, in my attempts to discern the reason for her having said no, might well settle upon a mistaken idea.

She said “No” to going to an event naked; “But why?” I ask myself “Is she feeling self-conscious about her body? Perhaps I need to work on building up her sense of self worth?” Now I am performing mental acrobatics trying to discern the reason for her reservation rather than focusing on our upcoming event. While in reality it might be as simple as she knows the venue is often cold.

Now in the scenario described above one would expect that such a simple thing would be explained. However, by placing the explanation at the forefront of the conversation it helps with those more complex issues. Is there an issue I am unaware of, does something make her feel uneasy? Then it must be explored, expressed and dealt with. Rather than place the conversation ending word “No”at the beginning of the conversation we remove it entirely.

If me partner ever responds to me with just “No” she knows that she is going to be in trouble, but if she comes to me with a problem and does her best to explain it then she knows that will only be met with care and support. This restriction and forcing of dialog is about more than just the issue being addressed, it is about training her in how to express a problem. I believe it is something us tops should be very aware of; we have to encourage and positively reward our bottoms whenever they come to us with a well articulated issue. They have thought about an order, considered your instruction and found there to be something they see as a real problem in carrying it out. That kind of dedication and care towards our instructions should always be rewarded with positive attention. At times they may come to us with half formed idea, maybe something just doesn’t feel right, then we should encourage them and work together to understand the root of the problem. We should never be angry that an instruction is being questioned when it is being done in a constructive way.

Even though my approach to two distinct forms of consent in the kink community are very different on the surface I believe they have the same underlying motivation, to draw out clear communication between everyone involved. For me communication is everything. Whether it is just confirming what Red means to a person I am about to scene with, or learning about a problem my D/s partner has with an order, through their communication I am learning, and getting better at what I do because of it.


About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Tagged With: bdsm, bottom, dom, domme, fetish, kink, master, mistress, power exchange, slave, sub, Top, Will

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