I was speaking to a woman who said she wanted to explore BDSM. She claimed to be a total newbie, although I doubted it. Nevertheless, she asked me a question that I thought would be great for the ASK BAADMASTER series here on kinkweekly.com . So without any covid-19 talk for a change, here is her question.
Reader: I AM A VANILLA WHO HAS BEEN READING A LOT ABOUT BDSM. IT EXCITES AND INTRIGUES ME. BUT WHEN I ACTUALLY TRY ANYTHING – EVEN THE MOST RUDEMENTARY SELF BONDAGE — I GET VERY DEPRESSED. FURTHERMORE, I MET A REAL TIME DOMME ONLINE AND WHEN SHE TRIED TO INSTRUCT ME AND PERFORM SOME ROPE TIES, I STARTED TO CRY. SHE LIVES NEAR ME BUT I HAVE AVOIDED RE-MEETING HER. AM I JUST A WRONGF FIT FOR BDSM? AM I DOOMED TO LIVE IN THE VANILLA WORLD. HELPPPP!
They say everything has a purpose. Surely your internal being (for want of a better term) wants you to “improve” on your vanilla life. And it appears that you want to “transition” from your vanilla lifestyle to one that appeals to you. Most of us here have had to make that transition; very few of us are born “Oh great and wonderful Master or Mistress.”
And many here have not made this transition without some pain or doubt. Fortunately, most of us were able to interact with lifestylers in the many social events that most cities offer. Instead of social events, we have social distancing. Not a good formula for making a smooth journey from vanilla to BDSM. Add into that, you have given me little information as to your vanilla situation; I know not whether you are single or married, whether you have freedom to explore and other important life factors. But I can give you some general advice that you can build on, so when the social aspects of this lifestyle return, you will be ready and not crying. (Unless crying is part of a scene or play.) I will offer a half dozen essential questions that you should answer to facilitate your entrance into the real time world of BDSM.
- Are you depending on BDSM to be an escape from your current malaise? Answer: I would not put all your escape eggs in one basket. Examine your vanilla life and try to see the good in it so that you don’t approach BDSM out of a sense of desperation.
- Don’t ask your vanilla friends for advice nor tell them you are going “bondage.” I once told an acquaintance that I was exploring BDSM. He replied, “So you beat up your girlfriend?” Misconceptions abound, especially about this kinky world. Best to keep it to yourself unless you find a vanilla friend of a similar mindset to you. I might add that your soaking up all these misconceptions that fill the media could surface when someone flogs you or ties you up. This could be the reason for your tears.
- Why throw away my support system? In this hypothetical example, you are not; you are merely electing to not use your vanilla friends (except for the occasional one who understands you deeply) as your support system. Over time, you will find like minded people to emotionally ground you. Best adage/advice: “Rome wasn’t built in a day.” This transition will take time.
- Use this “no fun” respite to study as much as you can. Learn about yourself. Are you a Domme or a sub or a switch? What play excites you the most? Are you into pain? As Socrates wrote, “Know thyself.” As BaadMaster opines, “Use Google.”
- Important: analyze the play that brought you to tears. For example, you might have had a bad experience in “vanilla choking”, thus being choked in a scene might bring out bad – or even unconscious — memories that make you cry. Go over all the scenes you plan and avoid activities that make you uncomfortable. You are under no obligation to try everything nor do things against your judgment – whether you are a Domme or sub.
- Finally, in the “I can’t believe BaadMaster recommends” advice, I would ask you to rent “Fifty Shades of Grey” Granted it is very fanciful; the BDSM is often idiotic. But it will put you in the mood for your new bondage adventures. And it is always good for a laugh or two.
In closing, being a woman navigating a new lifestyle is tough enough, even if you have a support system. And soon, I hope, when the dungeons and the socials re-open, you will find new friends and a new support system. For now, following my six principles should make your transition a smooth one.
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.