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Routine Task Lists In Power Exchange Dynamics

January 3, 2021 By Ms. Rika 3 Comments

blonde sexy Domme with male submissive in straitjacket — via stock.adobe.com

I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!

This week, I’d like to focus in on a technique that I introduced in my first book, “Uniquely Rika” – The Routine Task List exercise. This exercise has brought a great deal of success for many couples through the years. It originated as a way to help couples establish the activities they would utilize within a Dominant-centric dynamic. The exercise was originally established to accomplish three things:

1) Establish a “To-Do” list of tasks that truly serve the dominant and can be executed without the need for the dominant to ensure, order, and follow up on assignments

2) Ensure that what is being done for a dominant is actually FOR a dominant

3) Share the responsibility of creativity between the partners so that the dominant is not solely burdened with the need to come up with and create things for the submissive to do

As it turns out, the Routine Task List exercise has a couple of far more valuable side-benefits: It teaches the submissive to identify the dominant’s preferences; gives the submissive an understanding of why something is, or isn’t, considered to be submission to their particular partner; and helps the submissive think about their activities in terms of what the dominant wants. In short, it establishes a structured communication method, within which the submissive learns how to serve their unique dominant. Because of these, it’s a great exercise for beginners and seasoned players alike. In my second book, “Uniquely Us”, you see how several couples have implemented the technique within their dynamics with great results!

The Routine Task List Exercise

The exercise is best described in the books, but here goes the abridged version:

1) The sub is to prepare a list of 10 items that the sub believes the dominant will feel are service to them.

• The list should be prepared on a regular schedule. Many couples start at once a week. It’s best to establish a set time to prepare a written list.

• The list should contain things that the submissive feels is going to be received by the dominant as submission to them. It’s not a list of things that the sub wants to do, it’s a list of things that the sub thinks the dominant would want. This caveat is what makes the exercise so useful for establishing the definition of submission for that dominant – because the submissive is forced to think like the dominant.

• The submissive should create this list on their own, based on their understanding of the dominant’s preferences.

2) The dominant reviews the list and triages it into three categories and explains why each item fell into each category:

• Things that the dominant feels are really submission to them – that they would want to have done on a regular basis

• Things that the dominant feels are really more for the submissive – and although the dominant likes to see the submissive happy and will get pleasure from making the sub happy, are not actually submission for them

• Things that the dominant does not like and does not want to do

The important part of all of this, is that dominant needs to take the time to explain WHY each item from the list ends up in the bucket it does. It’s equally important to explain to the sub what it is about a specific task that is submission to the dominant and made it to the list – as it is to explain why something did not make the task list.

3) The dominant assigns the triaged items that meet the criteria:

• The things that make the first category, are given a frequency and are added to the submissive’s “Task List”. The frequency can be something like, “Every day”, “Once a week”, “Whenever I shower”, “At meals”, “When I enter the room”, etc. These items are put on the submissives list and the submissive is to execute the tasks on the scheduled times without the need for provocation, reminder, etc. It’s the sub’s responsibility to meet the schedule.

• Things in the second category are taken under advisement by the dominant as things that can be given as treats/gifts during playtime. They do not make the task list. The dominant should be quite particular about what makes it to the task list…if it’s not really service to the dominant…that is, if it’s not FOR the dominant, then it doesn’t make the list.

• Things that are in the third category are removed and will not be done.

If the submissive gets 5 or more items accepted to the list, they’ve done a good job. The goal, of course, is to get a perfect 10 for 10. If the sub gets less than 5 items on the list, then they should go back and try again that same week…armed with the understanding they’ve accumulated via the feedback. Otherwise, the sub executes the (now grown) task list and begins to think of things for the next week’s list.

After a few weeks of this, the sub gets pretty good at understanding what is and what isn’t considered to be submission to this dominant…and should begin to get better at predicting and getting more and more items added to the list. The end result is an increasing list of pre-scheduled tasks that the sub is performing on a regular basis, that truly provide submission to the unique dominant.

The list is designed to contain routine tasks – to be executed according to the schedule, by the submissive, without the need for the dominant to monitor or command execution. This simplifies the dominant’s life – while providing services that meet their needs.

John’s Attestation

As I mentioned, many couples with whom I’ve worked, have used this technique with a great deal of success. Earlier in 2020, the submissive of one of those couples posted his account in my FetLife Rika’s Lair discussion group. I’ve reproduced it here with his permission:

Hi folks! I wanted to chime in here to talk about the Task List Exercise. For those of you who don’t know me, I’m John – of Liz and John in Rika’s second book. We started the Task List Exercise when Liz introduced me to Rika’s methodology. I was a bit skeptical at first (with the whole methodology, as well as the exercise), but Liz was into it…and to see her excited by anything having to do with being my dominant was, as the song goes, simply irresistible!

I remember how I thought my first list was perfection…and it turned out to be AWFUL. In it, I spelled out what I felt submission was, being sure to list the kinky activities that Liz and I had done in our previous playtime that she liked. Turns out, she enjoyed my reaction to those kinds of things, but serving her – in her mind – was a much different experience. It was, looking back, all about me: What I would allow her to do to me. Only one item from my first list made it to the routine list.

She sat me down and explained why these things, although enjoyable, were not going to be considered to be submission to her. That we will likely do some of those things, because they’re fun, but they were not making their way to the list – which was to define service TO HER.

I remember feeling that she had been fed a dose of poison and that we were losing every chance of having a deep D/s dynamic. I was pretty pissed at Rika, frankly. But Liz was not moving. She would not budge from what she wanted. She sets expectations in a way that wasn’t asking me, it was telling me. She basically said I was doing this, or I wasn’t doing anything – that to serve her meant she got to set what service means. In other words, she was being dominant! On the surface, I didn’t like where she was taking this – but at my core, I loved that she was demanding that I comply. I did.

Fast forward about 6 months: I was 10 for 10 on my task list almost every week and had a routine list of over 200 items. They were small items, but there were a lot of them! It was more than I could handle, frankly. We both recognized that we were fast approaching my limit. Rika advised us to prune the list. To remove things that Liz could live without. She also recommended that we review the list monthly, rather than weekly. We got the list to [a] manageable 160 items, some of them daily, some weekly, some in certain circumstances.

Around two months into this process, I started to realize that I FELT MORE submissive than I had ever felt in our playtime. I was truly serving Liz and Liz was feeling truly dominant. She was also giving me lots of treats. I didn’t feel like I was going without what I enjoyed – I just knew that when Liz gave me something that she knew I liked, it was not submission, but rather a gift – and I was so very thankful for it.

We’re many years into our dynamic now – we don’t visit the task list on a regular basis anymore. It changes when Liz wants it to change. It is, however, always in play. I am her servant, heart and soul, and love every moment of it. I find that my tastes and desires have changed and are almost in complete lock step with Liz’s. It’s not that I can read her mind, but I’m thinking like her now. I’ve embodied her tastes and preferences and find myself acting in accordance with them, without having to try.

Rika’s system works. This task list is just the beginning, but it’s an important first component. Try it out…I strongly recommend it. And to the dominants: Be REALLY strict about what makes it onto your list. Make sure it REALLY serves YOU if you allow it. The other things you can still do, but not as part of this list. This list is about YOU.

Wrapping it Up

Communication is, by far, the most important element of success for couples establishing, or continuing their D/s dynamics. The Routine Task List exercise provides an excellent vehicle to enable greater communication. It’s particularly effective because it engages the submissive’s mind – challenging the submissive to internalize the dominant’s definition of submission. When submissives begin to consistently create lists that triage a perfect 10 for 10, the couple can be certain that the submissive has truly embraced the dominant’s definition of submission. Over time, that definition can change – and the Routine Task List assures that the submissive stays with the course.

Try the technique. For more info, read the books. I think you’ll find that they will help your dynamic regardless of how “seasoned” or “newbie” yours is!

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

Low Protocol And Power Exchange

December 12, 2020 By Christmas Bunny 2 Comments

good girl on her knees, submissive — via stock.adobe.com

It began in baby steps. Our dynamic was very much an experiment, with each movement forward and each step of the way tested before the full weight of the relationship was brought to bear upon it.

It was a scary amount of power to give up. I came into the relationship a business owner, and began a second venture about a year in. Handing the metaphorical reins over to another when my hard work of years was on the line was a truly terrifying thing to even contemplate. It came part and parcel of our TPE, however, and I had to trust that he would allow me to continue to make decisions without his interference.

Part of owning a business is having to interact with others in various ways, be it as the customer service representative who is discussing a potential order, as the cashier handling payment, as the scheduler booking classes, as the manager attending to someone’s satisfaction, as the artisan building product and providing updates, or in educational capacities, both online and in-person. That’s a lot of hats, and they require a certain amount of freedom of action on my part. It has necessitated trust on his part that I would make decisions and behave in ways of which he would approve without having to have specific protocols in place to govern those actions.

As someone who has grown to become firmly embedded in my local community, I see an incredibly wide variety of levels of protocol. Some are required to ask prior to leaving the presence of their master, some are required to follow protocols which govern their interactions with others in various settings. Perhaps it is a set protocol involving carrying packages or interacting with waitstaff or asking permission prior to speaking and touching friends or strangers within kink settings. Interestingly enough (and this is a conversation I have had with friends on occasion, because many of us are fascinated by the differences in how relationships are built), many of the dynamics I have observed which involve a small business seem to run with a lower degree of formality and protocol, perhaps out of that same necessity.

If I must receive permission to speak to individuals prior to doing so, even ones of specified gender, and my partner is away from our vendor table, I would quickly become ineffective as a merchant. I would be unable to answer questions or complete a sale. The same holds true of online interactions. It would effectively make the business I run hobbled during his regular work hours until he could handle the aspects I was not permitted to attend to without him. That would lead to additional stress, and I ask a great deal of him as my business partner already. While he does make those decisions, he has chosen to leave many of the finer details up to me, limiting the majority of his participation to financial decisions such as inventory purchases, and to customer interactions in order to keep me from using my energy and focus up in those areas rather than in completing projects.

The leaves much of our dynamic very informal, from a protocol standpoint. Fortunately, that works well for our personalities and the way we fit together. While I sometimes feel that our low protocol interactions can be mistaken for a more casual relationship, which can bring with it a feeling of being less than, I remind myself that some of those stares may be from envy for what may appear to be a higher level of freedom.

Make no mistake, however. He holds full authority over me, regardless of the appearance of casualness our low protocol level may give outsiders. It is so important for us all to remember that each relationship, each dynamic forms as it works best for the individuals in question. For some, that may mean there are specific rituals and protocols dictating large portions of their actions. For others, such as us, that total power exchange may rely more on the granted authority of the top-of-slash rather than any formalized behaviors. We all have to determine what works best for us as individuals and as couples or relationship groups, and build from that foundation.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so. Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals. She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey. She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others. She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

Consensual, BSDM Psychological Torture

December 12, 2020 By PirateStan 2 Comments

naked male sub bound — via stock.adobe.com

It’s said that torture is an unreliable way to get information, that people will tell you anything to get it to stop. Back in 2004 we discovered that torture was being used on prisoners at the Guantanamo Bay Interment Camp. It was a huge scandal; The American people were very upset that we would do something so blatantly against the Geneva Convention’s rules on the treatment of prisoners. That’s the sort of thing our enemies do, not us.

So yeah, using torture to extract information from someone is bad. Let’s just get that out of the way right here at the beginning.

But there are some times where torture is good, particularly when you use it to tease, torment, and tantalize a willing submissive. Because it’s not just about causing them physical pain, but emotional pain as well. But, y’know, in a good way.

It’s certainly not for everyone. Many people wouldn’t want to inflict this sort of torment on someone, whether they consent or not, Others wouldn’t want it done to them, for a variety of reasons.

But when done right, with the right people, they can make for a truly intense, emotionally fulfilling scene. It’s like a roller coaster, that thrill of danger without it being actually dangerous, only safer (seriously, do a search on roller coaster accidents and deaths; you’ll probably never get on one again).

So what constitutes this sort of scene?

Generally, it’s any scene that has as much of a psychological component as a physical one. Many Doms do this to some degree during a scene; think of a blindfolded girl who doesn’t know what toy’s going to be used on her next, a Dom tormeting her with one she’s especially afraid of, or threatening to hit where he knows she hates getting hit (but isn’t a hard limit).

Then there’s what’s generally known as predicament bondage; a tied-up girl made to send a certain text message, a gagged one having to make herself understood by Alexa, or being made to stand on your toes while nipple clamps are attached above her (forcing her to choose between the pain in her feet and calves or that in her nipples).

But a full-blown torture/torment/psychological scene involves more than that. It involves getting inside a girl’s head and using her fears, anxiety, dread and, sometimes, triggers against them, but all within the bounds of consent and negotiation.

Obviously this qualifies as advanced play, and should never be done with someone you don’t know well. When done wrong you can inflict some serious damage on someone’s psyche, and those wounds don’t have a tendency to fade away like a bad bruise.

Y’know, rather than just continue with broad vagaries, I’m simply going to describe a good psych scene I had recently with a girl I’ve known for a long, long time and add notes along the way. Sound good? Okay, here goes…

The four of us (my household) myself, my girl, my dear friend, and his girl (who’s also a dear friend) decided to escape our COVID 19 quarantime by renting a house on the ocean for a week, to eat bad food, drink lots of wine, enjoy the ambiance and (oh yeah) engage in more than a bit of debauchery.

Midway through the week my friend’s girl (MFG) had the scene in question.

We’ve played together several times, so I know what she likes and, more importantly, what she likes that her top isn’t inclined towards (which is generally the reason why you have a scene with another). She loves impact play, loves bruises, but also enjoys being controlled and (more specifically) enjoys being tied up very tightly.

I also know that she has a number of physical limitations that need to be taken into account; she can’t stand for long periods of time, nor can her joints take any of the more extreme bondage positions, particularly her arms.

So my checklist is; secure, tight bondage; domination and control, impact play that will leave bruises; no standing.

I began by telling her to strip. “Completely?” she asked.

“What else does strip mean?” I responded, knowing she hated being entirely nude (although it was not hard limit). She has a beautiful body, so this was pure pleasure from my perspective, particularly as I knew it made her feel particularly vulnerable.

Realizing there are a number of stout kitchen chairs available, I decided to utilize one. Over the next 20 minutes or so I proceeded to secure her to it, hands at her sides. I used leather mittens to secure her hands under the chair, straps to secure her to the side rungs, straps above-and-below her breasts, another at her waist. I use another to secure her hips to the seat, two more to secure her ankles to the legs and, finally, two at her upper thighs attached to the back of the chair, keeping her legs spread very wide and leaving her very exposed.

Ahead of this I’d placed a very efficient padded blindfold, and finished by buckling a ballgag (not a terribly severe one as she can’t wear that; still, it muffled her speaking delightfully).

Oh wait, I forgot; we’d worked out safe words and gestures that she could effectively communicate while secured like this. Since this sort of bondage is my thing, I’ve got that part down pat.

I next proceeded to sit down on the very comfortable couch, put my feet up, pull out my phone and tell her, “Okay, you’ve got five minutes to get loose. If you don’t, that means you want my worst, right?”

As she muttered something incomprehensible I split my attention between the New York Times and her, watching as she … well… essentially sat still. Oh, her head moved around a lot, and her right foot wriggled around (I’d not secured it as well as I should have) but, ultimately, she could barely move. At all.

This, she told me later, made her feel extremely helpless, as it was very clear that I could do anything I wanted and she had no way to stop me… not even to move out of the way. She was both utterly terrified and thrilled at the same time.

For my main implement of destruction I’d chosen a thin wooden paddle, about 4 cm wide and 38 cm long. I’ve found it’s extremely painful and I’m able to use it with pinpoint accuracy. It also leaves wonderful bruises.

I began by running the paddle over her body, threatening different body parts. “If you don’t want to get hit there, simply move it out of the way,” I taunted.

After a few minutes of this I began to follow through, actually smacking her in the places I was threatening (starting lighter of course, before working my way up in intensity). Several minutes later I stopped.

I sat down and played on my phone again. I knew she didn’t have a clue when I might be back or even if I was still in the room. She struggled around some more, this time with more than a bit more desperation.

I repeated this several more times, each time more with more intense and harder smacks. I began to increasingly taunt her, threatening to hit a given area, telling her to prepare, then doing nothing. Or I’d threaten one area then engage in a fusillade of smacks to everywhere but that area… before pausing and finishing at the initial place I’d threatened.

After 20 minutes of this her right leg was shaking uncontrollably. She had, of course, been acting increasingly terrified as the scene progressed. Meanwhile, I’d checked in regularly and she always gave me a clear, encouraging nod, as well as a gagged “uh-huh”.

Which is, of course, the heart of the matter. She was allowing herself to be terrified precisely because she knew she was absolutely safe. It was the theme park thrill ride, only with bondage and beatings. Her catharsis was palpable.

After a little over a half hour I’d decided she’d had enough; she’s notorious for never tapping out, and I can read her pretty well. I went with my general rule of thumb that it’s better to leave someone wanting more than going too far.

While I removed her blindfold and gag first, I untied her from the chair slowly, letting her relax as well as relish the return of her mobility to each limb. Afterwards, I helped her over to the couch, wrapped her in a blanket, and held her as she recovered. She was in a state of bliss, completely wrung out like a wet noodle, but in a good way.

The next day she proudly showed off the many, many bruises I’d left her with, some of which were rather pronounced. Many pictures were taken.

All in all it was a very successful scene, bringing together those necessary elements of negotiation, understanding, preparedness, and improvisation. In particular, those elements of torment or “mind fuckery” were carefully plotted out, designed to bring her to a place of maximum psychological torment.

Of course, what worked with her may not work with someone else. I’ve done many such scenes with a variety of gals, some more successful than others. The better you know the person you’re topping, and the more creative you are, the better the scene.

This sort of psychological torture scene isn’t for everyone. But for those who enjoy and appreciate them, they can be quite the satisfyingly heady brew.

PirateStan has been involved in his local BDSM community since 2007, after having had a lifelong inclination towards it. He currently lives a contented life in Southeastern Virginia with his girl, zeirah, while working by day for a Major Metropolitan Publication.

Trust in Power Exchange

November 22, 2020 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

With the corona virus extending its “Reign of Error” (as a lot of people have got this pandemic wrong) into every area of our lives, I suggest we protect the most important areas in our lives WHEN POSSIBLE! (Was that the longest sentence in kink weekly?) To clarify: obviously, we cannot just go back to business as usual. For example, except for Mistress Cyan’s Virtual Dungeon, all the bondage clubs, at least in L.A., are closed. So, what to do to keep our bondage skills sharp and to also have fun.By some magical coincidence, I was going through my “questions bag” (which really isn’t a bag) and found a query that, although written pre-pandemic, was rather prescient and deserves to be answered. So here we go:

Reader: I’m a newbie, but am very interested in expanding my horizons. It’s giving control to someone else that appeals most to me about the bondage world. I love games of the mind, and have always been a control freak in every aspect of my life. The idea of a Dom having his way with me is thoroughly exciting. BUT it is also scary. How do I learn to trust someone? To lose control? How do I stay safe?

It appears (emphasis on the word “appears”) that many people who are control freaks in their everyday world long to give up control in their BDSM life. They not only find it exciting, but they also like the break from being controlling and responsible. But, as the saying goes, “Old habits die hard.” The desire to give up control, no matter how freeing and appealing it might be, is often easier said than done.

Thus, you are not alone in desiring to make the transition from day-to-day “Domme” to a submissive. The keys to making this big leap are threefold: a) “fantasy vs. need” b) “Rome wasn’t built in a day” and c) “letting go is a process.” Let’s examine, in detail, each of these three “keys” that I proposed.

The first one is “fantasy vs. need.” Is giving up control just a hot fantasy or is it an actual need of yours? Many people have sexual or BDSM fantasies that get them excited. But, as I have stated many times, there is no rule that says you must act on every craving that floats your boat. It might just be that due to your personal situation, this “submissive fantasy” is one that might best be left unexplored. On the other hand, if you have a true “submissive need,” then you should forget that it is scary and just give it a shot.

For most adults, consensual needs, I suggest – if at all possible – you not leave them unfulfilled. If this is your case, and submission is an unbending need and not just a pie-in-the-sky fantasy, then it is time to get to the “Rome wasn’t built in a day” principle.Learning to trust someone is a step-by-step progression. Trust is neither automatically given nor demanded – it must be earned over time. Thus, you have a right to be wary of any new Dom you play with – until he establishes the level of trust you feel comfortable with. As with any human endeavor, there are variations from person to person. Thus, it might take you more time to be at ease with one Dom than another.

Trust your instincts. This is especially true with respect to safety issues. In play, make sure you have a safe word and don’t be afraid to use it. If you do, and the Dom respects it, that is one way trust is built. Again, don’t expect instant trust. Furthermore, if your Dom tells you “I don’t believe in safe words” right out of the box, this is a big red flag. This is – especially in your case, where you have apprehension – as close to a “no-go” as you can find.Finally, about “letting go.” This is the end result of the whole process; it is not the process itself. It happens automatically after everything else has fallen into place. You don’t have to worry about it. In fact, worry (along with tension, doubt and too much thinking) is the enemy of “letting go.”

When you trust your Dom implicitly, when you aren’t stressing about safety issues, when you become less self-conscious about the whole idea of submitting, then you will automatically “let go.” A good Dom will put you at ease about your concerns and free your mind to perform the tasks that he will demand of you — the actions that, taken in totality, define “submission.” Believe me, with all the decisions that are thrust upon me during thin pandemic, I too would like to be an “Un-Dom” for week or two! Or even a day!The beauty of submission is that, ideally, it is a mental state wherein your mind is freed from all concerns other than the submission itself. Thus, by its very definition, it cannot exist until all your other fears and doubts are dispelled. And, except in very rare circumstances, that takes time!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Erotica: The Marionette

November 14, 2020 By Joji Sada 2 Comments

sexy submissive hair pulling toilet slut — via stock.adobe.com

I need you to leave me.

No, that’s not quite true. I need you to leave me…broken.

I need you to strip me of my building doubt and fear and bring me back to reality.

It has been a long few months Sir. I’ve waited patiently from the shelf I’ve been placed on. A lifeless doll, stationed on the living room bookcase, just watching the world through wooden lids.

Can you see the varnish on my eyes; glossed over and shining with need? Can you hear the creak of my hinges as I try to reach out to you? Can you feel the cracks in my body when you hug me? Can you taste the dust covering my soul when you kiss me?

Probably not.

I am a very good marionette. I move when you need me to. I move in and out of your vision when I feel it is necessary to ease your stress levels.

I make a lot of decisions. My mind moves a mile a minute, but my mouth is stitched shut. I tug and I tug but the threads are so tight.

I should be panicking.

But, I’m not.

Because good girls wait for when they are needed.

Isn’t that right Sir?

I am a slow learner, but I know that patience is a cornerstone of self-control. And self-control is your number one requirement.

So, I wanted to share a story with you. I want you to close your eyes and dream of breaking me in the most deliciously depraved ways.

Here is what I see:

My eyes are closed. They have been for ages now. You put me in the back of your van, told me to keep them shut, and not say a word. I do not know how long we have been driving. For all I know, you have been driving in circles just to disorient me.

Halfway through, you told me to strip. I am not wearing much. I never do when you tell me to get ready. I am so used to being naked for you, clothing seems almost a sin. There should never be anything that prevents you from seeing or touching any part of me at any time.

Its cold, even inside your van. I am curled in a ball, my knees at my chest, with my back against the seat. I am staying out of view. It would be no fun if the police were to pull us over.

It is taking everything I have Sir not to open my eyes. My stomach is rolling with motion sickness and my body is disoriented from all the movement. Yet, I know that’s why you did not blindfold me. You prefer that I obey through will power and without assistance. That’s why I know that whatever happens, I am going to have to make sure I stay in the moment.

Thankfully, the van finally stops. I have not moved. I am waiting for your instruction.

Mistake number one.

I hear the door open and suddenly my ankle is pulled harshly. My head drops to the floor and my back burns from the rug.

“Up and Present”

I scramble to follow your voice. I am hesitant because I cannot see where you are and where I should be. As I get up on my knees, you have decided I am not moving fast enough. Your fingers wrap around the chainmaille of my day collar and yank me forward. You are the only thing holding me up.

“Have you forgotten everything? Is this what I am stuck with?”

Your words sting. I keep my face stoic. You have not given me leave to speak. But, I right myself and get my balance back. My hands lock behind my back. My knees are biting into the grooves in the floor of the van. The connector bars for the seats are not kind to my shins either.

You lightly smack my cheek. “Head up.” You command. Then, without warning, my collar drops from my neck. My eyes are wide behind the lids. Now, I am panicking a little bit. You’ve never removed it without warning before. Have I upset you Sir? Are you abandoning me here? Am I being released? My chest is heavy and constricted. What have I done? Why won’t you talk to me? Please Sir. Please, tell me I can speak. Please.

Thirty seconds.

Thirty seconds and I have worked myself into a panic.

Thirty seconds and then I feel it. I feel the smoothness of my leather collar. I can hear the rings and feel the heaviness against my throat. I take a deep breath. I know what is coming next.

Your hands tighten it to its furthest point. I can see white spots behind my eyelids. My lips fall open in an ‘O’ and I gasp. This is about control. You will release when you are ready, not when I am.

And you do. As the blood pounds through my head and my head is dizzy in need, you let go. You buckle it comfortably.

I’m naked, terrified, and in my TPE collar.

Maybe I shouldn’t have asked you to break me.

Your palm is resting on the top of my head. I am trying to prepare myself for what I have gotten myself into.

Ten Seconds.

Twenty seconds.

Thirty seconds.

The silence is long tonight. It is never a good sign when you are quiet Sir. It means you are losing yourself in the moment. That means the dragon you keep leashed inside will be in charge tonight. I may not survive this.

And so, it begins.

Your hand curls into my hair and I am yanked from the van and thrown to the ground below. It is soft and cold. In a split second, your hand is back in my hair and you are half dragging me. I am trying to crawl fast enough, but I keep stumbling. Left and right, back and forth, there is no rhyme or reason to where you are taking me. I feel filthy. My hands and knees are sinking into the Earth.

Please Sir, let me open my eyes.

I am thrown back to the ground with a disgusted sigh. I can hear your frustration with me. I don’t remember the last time I couldn’t keep up with you, step for step. I’m frustrated with myself and we have only just begun.

I turned my face sideways to lessen the pain on contact. I figured it out now.

You have me in the mud. You have me naked, outdoors, in the fucking mud. I did the first thing that came to mind. I growled.

I forget how quick you can move Sir. You had me flipped over and you knelt across my ass, your knee landing on my lower back. Your hand wrapped in my hair and yanked my head back painfully. You leaned close to my ear and spoke ever so softly.

“Did you have something to say piggie?”

I growled again.

You pushed my face into the mud and then pulled me back.

“Good little piggies oink.”

Silence.

I refuse to give you what you are asking.

Try Me. Push Me. Make Me.

As soon as you let go of my hair, I made a decision. I bucked my ass up to jostle you and I took off. Even with my eyes closed, I was determined to put distance between us. I have no idea if you lost your balance or not. As quick as I felt your boot to my side, kicking me over, I knew I had not bucked hard enough.

I landed on my back and before I could breathe, your boot was on my neck. It pressed firmly and I felt myself sinking into the mud. My hands pushed against your boot without relief. I knew I had pissed you off.

“Open your eyes.” My eyes popped open instantly. Even in the darkness, it was too bright. I blinked rapidly and struggled to breathe.

You are ready to watch me suffer.

You finally lift from my neck and I am gasping for breath. Your boot meets my cheek and shoves half my face back into the ground and I hear you talking finally.

“Your hands will stay off my leather if you wish to keep them out of play. Do I make myself clear?”

“yes.”

You push down harder. “Yes, Sir.”

“Up.”

My breathing is laboured and I am seriously contemplating refusing you. But, deep down, I cannot bring myself to do so.

I need this.

I lift myself from the mud. It is already drying on me. I can feel it cracking. I’m on my knees, staring up at you.

You tap my lips and I open obediently, tongue out. You clip a clothespin to next to my piercing. You smile so mockingly. “This will help wash you off.” I glared. Drool is not a way to wash myself.

“Tonight, we are going to work on your discipline, lil piggie. Kneel up, off your heels. Back straight, eyes forward, neck straight. Lace your fingers behind your head and keep your arms up. I do not want to hear a sound.”

You walked around me. I don’t like losing sight of you Sir, especially in such a foreign environment. I feel your boot nudge my ass. I rocked ever so slightly, but no sound.

Then, it happened. I felt a sharp sting. It hurt. I was unprepared for this Sir.

Then again.

And again. There was no warm-up. You are hitting me as though we have been doing impact for a half hour now. My body is cold and sensitive.

It hurts. My knees are shaking. Holding myself in this position makes it hard to zone out the pain of the hits.

I bet that was your intention.

Six. I think so anyway.

Seven. A sob is caught in my throat.

Eight. I am unsure what it even striking me at this point. It hurts. You keep changing the contact point.

Nine. The tears are leaking. I am trying so hard to keep quiet. I need to please you.

Ten. That was a particularly vicious hit to my thighs. I broke.

I fell forward. My body is hunched over, my back bare. My hands are in the mud and I am shaking, trying to keep the sobs in.

Silence.

I can hear you breathing. Even now, it cuts through the sobs. I am aware of you.

I bring myself back up into position. Just as you expect.

Its not the falling that disappoints you. It is the unwillingness to pick myself back up.

I look up at you. You are blurry through the tears.

Without a word, you take your boot and place it on my chest. You push. My body starts bending backwards. You are saying all you need to without a single word. If I am going to bend, it will be at your will and your will alone.

I keep balance for as long as I can until I am once again on my back. Your boot moves and the heel grinds into my nipple piercing. It feels as though you will rip it from my body. It hurts to intensely.

My body is twisting, trying to escape you. Your weight holds me in place.

Please Sir. It hurts so bad.

You move to my other piercing. It burns.

Please Sir.

Please.

You’ve barely touched me and I feel as though I’ve run a marathon.

I just want your comfort now.

Please Sir.

You move to grind your boot against my sex. My pelvic bone feels as though it is cracking beneath you.

I’m sobbing again.

But I know how to end this.

I must give myself over to your control again.

You are waiting for me to willingly do so.

I have known what I need to do for a while now. But my head was set on rebellion.

After a particularly strong grind, you remove your weight. Sobbing, covered in mud, and aching fiercely, I curl into a ball.

Brokenly, I end it.

“OINK.”

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Rewards vs. Recognition In Power Exchange

November 14, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

hot submissive wanting to please her dominant — via stock.adobe.com

I’ve written, at length, about my approach when it comes to rewards and punishments. I don’t do either of those. I refer you to my other books for that discussion. However, I’ve also written about how a key responsibility of the dominant is to recognize the submissive’s efforts so that the submissive does not feel alone / abandoned in the dynamic.

Some people have argued that recognition of the submissive’s role and assessment of the quality of the job, is tantamount to a reward for the submissive. They feel that a dominant saying “good job” or “thank you for continuing to serve me” is a reward for their efforts.

I disagree with this notion. It’s true that submissives get pleasure and satisfaction from a dominant’s recognition, however, there is a strong distinction between rewards and recognition.

Though I don’t do rewards, I do a lot of recognition. My subs love that I recognize them and, in fact, recognition is a basic necessity of the dynamic. However the difference that I see, stems from dictionary definitions of the two words.

In my mind, the difference is as follows:

Recognition is personal praise or gratitude for good work and can be given at any time.

Rewards are tied to goals and accomplishments and are generally given up on completion.

I don’t reward goals / accomplishments because top-notch service is expected of my submissives. There is nothing “out of the ordinary” for submissives to work hard and complete a task, assignment, or even anticipate a need extremely well. If I set a goal for a submissive, they strive to achieve it, primarily to please me.

I do however, provide personal praise for their efforts and also will show my gratitude for their continued submission. Note: As in my essay on “Saying Please and Thank You”, I choose to show my gratitude that my submissives continue to choose to serve me each day…as they show theirs to me for allowing them to do so. If a sub does a great job of anticipating something for me, and removes an obstacle before I have to face it, I’m both grateful and generous with my praise.

Just because someone enjoys recognition and gets something out of it (e.g., Pride, sense of accomplishment, and affirmation of the dynamic), doesn’t make it a reward. A reward is linked (in my vernacular), to completion of goals or milestones. Rewards are more: Do this, and get that” – “Get this because you did that”. It’s motivations and incentives.

Herein lies my issue with rewards. I question why a sub would need more motivation / incentive than serving their dominant well and receiving acknowledgment of a job well done. A pleased and satisfied dominant is the objective of their submission, so why would it take anything more or less than that to motivate the best possible service? I’m suspect when that isn’t enough.

Recognition, on the other hand, is one of the most important, and often neglected responsibilities that a dominant takes on in my methodology. Recognizing when your submissive is striving to meet your expectations and fulfill your preferences, is important in letting them know that you’re active and present in the dynamic. It doesn’t take a lot to recognize a sub: Just a “Good job serving me” or an “I see how you did that for me, and I liked it” go a long way. I like to have my sub thank me for doing things for me: A little bit of irony goes a long way. These are really simple, no effort things that just say, “I’m here, I’m present, and I see your effort”.

As far as I’m concerned, recognition is a must. I recognize my subs as often as possible. I prefer higher volume of lower effort recognition. Reward, on the other hand, is unnecessary and often counter productive; as it tends to distract submissives from their ultimate motivation – that of pleasing their dominant by fulfilling their expectations.

Video: Learn To Dominate

November 7, 2020 By Depraved Eros 2 Comments

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Simple Ideas for Playing with Male Bottoms

October 17, 2020 By Dame TylerRose. 4 Comments

mistress dominating male slave on leash — via stock.adobe.com

Creativity is one of the most important attributes I’ve seen common among sadists.

A checklist is great, but it doesn’t tell you how to actually DO things. When you’re new, the how of doing things is very important. First and foremost, the bottom and I go over my toy kit and *theirs*. We both agree on and set out items we want to use. One of the bottoms I play with sets out his items and understands that I will use what I choose to use.

What to do and how to do it:

Using the Leash for things OTHER than leading him around — The loop end of a leash can be used as very simple cock bondage, especially once he’s hard. Give it a tug whenever you want. A fabric leash can be pulled up a few inches and put into his mouth.

Tie the dick up with rope and attach a chain leash from collar to cock. Tap on the chain with a hard cane or wooden spoon. Slide a cane up and down it to send vibrations through the chain. Pull the chain up and to the side to position the cock however you want to move it out of the way when whipping the thighs with a quirt.

Wartenberg Wheels — I’ve found I’m very good with wartenberg wheels. Most people might use them for a few seconds and move on to something else. I turn them into a half hour scene in and of themselves. I run those things all over the body. Up and down the undersides of his arms (including armpits), over the shoulders, around the neck, down his sides, around his back/thighs/buttocks, and eventually over his cock and balls, down the inner thighs. Everywhere I can reach. I almost always use one in each hand, mirroring each other as they roll, and going into the more sensitive areas after he’s been warmed up for a few minutes.

If he likes clamps on the nipples, I’ll attach them after ten or fifteen minutes and run the wheels around his pectorals.

Clamps with weights — I do this very gently. Just buy 2oz, 4 oz (etc) sinkers from a tackle shop and S hooks to put on them. They hook very easily over clover clamps or the finger loops of forceps style clamps. Some like to have the clamps tapped. Gentle is enough. Minute increases in pain can be HUGE on the receiving end. People watching don’t think I’m doing much, but the bottom is all but dancing on his toes for me.

Clothespins can go anywhere on the body that you can pull up a pinch of skin. You don’t need to smack them off. I don’t do that unless it’s a special request of the bottom. Line up along the pectorals on both sides of the areola, leaving the nipples free. Tug, twist, tap to your heart’s content. Tap with the handle of a wooden spoon. Tease the nipples. Play them like a xylophone. lol When you take them off, the pec is then hyper-sensitive to do all those other things I mentioned.

Ball Gags – I don’t usually use them, as I want very clear communication during play. However, if a guy is making facial expressions I don’t care for, wagging his tongue out, or saying words I don’t want to hear, I will pick up his ball gag and plop it into his mouth. There’s no need to engage the buckle. I expect he understands that he’s to keep it in his mouth until I remove it.

Finger Nubbies – Anyone who’s worked in an office with lots of paper has seen little rubber finger tips for friction when sorting through paper. They are fantastic sensation toys, and don’t cost a lot. Put one on an index finger and thumb and you have a new way to tease and pinch.

Extra Hands – When I’ve got a guy cuffed to the X, I at once have an extra pair of hands to hold things for me. I’ll give him a flogger to hold until I need it, or the wartenberg wheels. It makes for a humorous visual for the people watching, and keeps him present. He can’t go completely into his own head because he has to keep enough focus to hold onto the object.

Cock and ball torture — Quantify what he means by CBT. Saying he doesn’t like it doesn’t explain what he doesn’t like. What is it that he doesn’t like? Grabbing and twisting? Okay. Don’t twist his dick. It’s as simple as that.

Pelvic Caning — Every dude who has agreed to have his cock/pelvic region caned has liked what I do. I don’t need to hit hard to get reactions…and those reactions are fairly obvious. I’ve not caned one to ejaculation yet, but a couple have gotten close. Mild tap tap tapping up and down the length of a flaccid cock quickly leads to an erection. I have a black cane that is fairly stiff but still a bit flexible. It bounces off the surface and isn’t as brutal as my fiberglass rods. I use a short motion with my hand, aiming for the surface and without follow-through. Don’t swing like you’re chopping down a tree. You’re not going for maximum impact, but surface sting and thud. He’s going to have bruising and will need to piss in the coming days, so less is more.

I whap a little harder on the meat of the area just above the cock. Front of the thighs, including the penis as it hangs, and you may find him leaning back to assist in getting the angle and strike zone he likes best.

I like to include the inner thighs as well, and the scrotum. Front or back doesn’t make much difference to me. Moderate whapping back and forth from thigh to thigh, zinging across the very bottom of the scrotum in the process, has been a favorite with the men. It gives them the sting and burn of an inner thigh caning with the surprise impact to the balls in both directions.

Don’t be too relentless, however. Five or six up strokes up high, then move the cane down or move to a different area entirely.

If the back is facing you — I’ve told each of them that if they stick it out, I’m gonna hit it. Every man at once angled himself to better present his balls. You can strike across both thighs and the scrotum at the same time. Again, don’t swing like you’re chopping down a tree. You don’t want to rupture a testicle.

Managing the Bottom – One of the most important aspects of play is knowing when to back off a moment and let the bottom catch his breath. You can’t go intense intense intense every second. Varying sensations between mild and intense, back to mild, up to moderate, down to mild, up to intense creates a rollercoaster ride of pleasures. Know when to pause for a moment and give him (and yourself) a drink. A scene including everything from above will easily last an hour or more. Pause two or three times for a drink and a breath. I always stop before they’re completely spent. Leave them wanting more rather than regretting going one minute too long.

Station Clean Up — I don’t play in private, so this is all happening at a party. One of us wipes down the station he was attached to. If he’s got some wits about him, he does it. If he’s too zonked, I do it. I clean and put away my stuff while he cleans and puts away his stuff, or puts away his stuff for later cleaning. Whatever. It’s his kit.

What about aftercare??? – I know, right? I totally worked hard. I deserve some after care. First, I’m going to sit and watch him attempt to put his clothes on. It’s most entertaining and satisfying, watching a grown man rendered down to a puddle of endorphic goo, incapable of dressing himself. It’s the best part.

Then I’ll tell him to give me a shoulder and arm massage. If we’re at a sex/SM combo party, I’ll go get laid with some other guy. I don’t have sex with the bottoms I play with.

I’ll follow up with Tylenol through the next day, and a nice warm shower, to ease sore muscles.

The bottom will do whatever it is that he does after he gets home. I’m sure masturbation will be part of his routine, but I could be wrong. I won’t be there for any of it.

What other people choose to do when they are finished is between them.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written three “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over 25 fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
Twitter — https://twitter.com/DameTyler or @DameTyler
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Why I Don’t Use Fear As A Submissive Motivator

October 17, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

handcuffs, sex on the bed — via stock.adobe.com

Yesterday, I was chatting with a dominant who was boasting about how he had put the “fear of God” into his submissive, so that she would never disobey him. He talked about a sequence of scenes that he created, whereby she was subjected to her worst fears. In fact, he was particularly proud of how the use of spiders, a phobia of hers, had made her wet herself in fear. He said that she is now perfectly behaved and responds immediately to his every demand – since she never wants to relive that experience.

The conversation turned my stomach, frankly. I know it’s a flavor of fantasy, but it struck me more as abuse than D/s. Still, it did get me thinking. In many circumstances, punishments are used to establish a baseline of fear in order to obtain compliance. I’ve often heard of the practice of punishing a new submissive before they’ve actually done anything wrong – as a means of showing them the consequences of misbehaving and establishing the fear of having to repeat the ordeal. This technique was even used in “Venus in Furs” upon the signature of the contract, where Wanda told Severin that he shall feel the bite of the whip, for no reason other than her whim – as a means of solidifying the agreement and establishing the cost of disobedience.

As I thought more about it, I found myself considering how I treat my submissives and comparing it to this technique. I have complete authority over them and can do anything I want to them. Sometimes I choose to cause them discomfort. Do they fear me? More importantly, do I WANT them to fear me?

I found my answers in the differentiation between ‘compliance’ and ‘submission’. Compliance is doing what you’re told; submission is dedicating yourself to the preferences of another. I concluded that, while there is no doubt that establishing fear is an effective technique for gaining compliance, it is not the best technique for gaining submission. I further concluded that, while I enjoy obedience from my submissives, I’m not interested in their BLIND obedience. I don’t want obedience to be their goal, I want it to be the byproduct of their goal. I don’t want them to please me by obeying me, I want them to obey me because they’re striving to please me. Certainly not doing what I want would not please me and would make my life more complicated. When the focus of the submissive is to be the best submissive that they can be, their motivation is to strive to deliver top-notch service. So, in order to serve me well, one of the things they’ll do, is to do what I want them to. What I know for sure, is that I don’t want them to obey me because they fear the consequences of not obeying me.

What’s wrong with fear-based motivation? I see a few key issues when you consider submission and not just compliance:

• The submissive finds themselves looking for “Outs” – ways to avoid the consequence. The goal is that they will avoid the consequence by complying with the request. However, if they can avoid the consequence more easily than complying with the demand, they will – because the motivation is all about the consequence and not about the request itself. The “Loophole” in the rule becomes a possibility…and then the dominant is forced to punish use of the loophole…and round you go.

• The submissive will comply only as much as is needed, to avoid the consequence. Most fear based victims will not attempt to exceed the ask. They will do the minimum to avoid the consequence. They also will not apply lessons learned to other requests. In other words, unless there is a specific consequence looming over another task – even one that’s similar to the known task – the submissive is not motivated to get the job done, as there’s no consequence attached to that item. The dominant is forced to establish a consequence for every action they wish to control.

• The onus of successful completion falls on the dominant! With fear-based motivation, the dominant must first establish a consequence that’s compelling enough to motivate the submissive. It must be something that can be actually delivered, as a sub will not be motivated unless the consequence is real. And it needs to be effective. Should the submissive NOT execute the demand, it is because the dominant did not establish a fearful enough consequence, did not consider a loophole, or didn’t apply a consequence to a particular outcome.

These three points establish obedience as the dominant’s responsibility to enforce. All the sub is doing is avoiding the consequence they fear. The dominant is busy creating maintaining, and delivering the consequences. That’s a lot of work and responsibility for the person who’s supposed to be the one being served!

Contrast this with a submissive who is motivated by their own inner desire to please and serve (and therefore, obey) their dominant:

• The dominant is only on the hook for communicating their preferences – then the submissive takes responsibility for delivering what the dominant wants. The onus of success is on the submissive.

• The submissive’s focus is on the results of obedience, not on obedience itself. If the sub completes the task, that pleases / serves the dominant – and there’s a successful exchange. The objective is to serve the dominant, not to follow orders.

• Submissives are much more likely to exceed the dominant’s immediate demand, in an effort to serve them even better. The better the sub gets in touch with the preferences of their unique dominant, the better the level of their service becomes.

While fear-based motivations are quick and don’t require a lot of communication to enact, they lack the depth of adjustment that submission-based discipline provides. In the short term, and for a specific task, fear-based may be more efficient, but ultimately, when the submissive is focused on the dominant’s satisfaction, rather than on themselves (avoiding their own discomfort), there is less work for the dominant – and the dominant is better served. This is because submissives are more apt to internalize the dominant’s preferences, and adjust ALL aspects of their behavior in accordance, rather than only a specific, penalizable action.

Personally, I haven’t needed to resort to fear-based motivations. I’m glad, because I really don’t want to. I have found that my submissives are quite capable of providing the self-discipline required to focus on my satisfaction. We are in a partnership, working together to help them provide the best possible service and to tune that service uniquely to me.

The Downside Of Demonstrating Submission

September 26, 2020 By Ms. Rika 2 Comments

This week, I was chatting with a submissive who had been dismissed from her mistress’ poly household because she was unable to control her jealousy and need for attention. Now, almost a year later, she has returned asking for forgiveness and swearing that she’s changed.

I correspond with the mistress fairly frequently. In the past, she has shared the issues with this particular submissive, and last year, I provided a sounding board when she was torn about dismissing this submissive. I got good insight into the types of challenges that they were facing and saw how the submissive was creating an intolerable situation; being demanding and emotionally taxing. Dismissal was appropriate. Now, the submissive is begging to come back and promising great change. As is the tendency in these cases, my friend seems to have forgotten the problems of the past and wants to believe that the submissive has changed her ways. The submissive reached out to me, feeling the need to tell me how she’s changed and how “things will be different this time” and how she “will show the dominant how much she’s changed”.

I have the luxury of being emotionally detached from the situation – and so my memory serves me a bit better than that of my friend. I’m a believer in adjustment and in lessons learned – which this submissive has clearly experienced – but the way she worded her intent made me skeptical that change is possible.

At the root of my doubt is an issue that’s very common among sub-centric submissives; the notion that they can “demonstrate submission”.

Demonstrating submission is a sub-centric activity. It may not seem that way at first, because the stated objective is to show how good their submission is, but “demonstrating something” is an action that requires that the one to whom the demonstration is given, observe and acknowledge the performer. The focus of attention during a demonstration is on the demonstrator.

This feeds the sub-centric psyche. The focus of attention is on them. They are the performer. They are being watched and judged. The dominant is forced into the position of having to “write the review” of the performance – and determine if the show stays open. Even though the sub’s actions are stated to be for the dominant, their actual intent is self-serving.

Imagine what’s going to happen if the dominant is preoccupied with something (or someone) else while the submissive is trying to demonstrate their improved submission. What if the dominant is just not paying attention at that point and time? Will the sub feel that their efforts are being neglected or ignored? Should the sub wait until the dominant is paying attention to demonstrate their submission? That wouldn’t be very good submission, would it?

I’m not saying that subs shouldn’t get feedback. All subs are entitled to get feedback. They have no other way to improve their submission. For those of you who’ve read my books, you will remember CERAF, the acronym that stands for what I consider to the be the primary responsibility of a dominant: Communication, Expectation, Recognition”, “Assessment” and “Feedback”. The last three steps are all

about seeing the sub’s efforts, assessing them, and providing the feedback to help them improve. How does “RAF” differ from a sub trying to demonstrate their submission?

The difference is in “Demand”. It’s one thing to want to be the best submissive you can be – internalize your dominant’s expectations and use their assessment and feedback to make adjustments – it’s completely another to make the intent of your actions to force acknowledgement of them. The intent of a good submissive is to serve the dominant – and internalizing feedback and making adjustments are the best ways to reach that objective. But when the intent is to force acknowledgement, to PROVE something to the dominant, to get the dominant to admit that improvement – that’s when it becomes manipulation and self-centered behavior.

Submission is a commitment that you make; a dedication to a dominant. Your focus is on the dominant – their expectations, their preferences, and their desires. Submission is “good” when the dominant feels that it’s good. The dominant doesn’t need to be “Shown” how good submission is – we feel it. A good dominant will provide that feedback at appropriate times and on their own schedule, but not because it’s demanded in order to confirm the submissive’s objective.

A exaggerated example, to demonstrate the difference, can be seen in this tale of two submissives, tasked to clean a bathroom:

Submissive #1 Cleans the bathroom. Does the very best job they can and heads on to do their next chore. The dominant eventually uses the bathroom and calls the sub in an says, “Nice job, but next time be sure to wash the tops of my makeup and cold cream containers”. The sub notes that so they can do it the next time.

Submissive #2 Says, “Thank you Goddess…I’m going to clean the bathroom and I’m going to make it SPARKLE! You’ll see”. The sub cleans the bathroom and then seeks out the dominant. “Would you like to inspect my work?” If the dominant is not interested in inspecting the work, submissive #2 sulks, until, eventually the dominant relents and inspects the work. Submissive #2 is anxiously awaiting acknowledgment that the dominant sees how good a job they did. The fact that cold cream container cover is not cleaned becomes an issue that submissive #2 interprets as a failure to demonstrate their improved submission. The dominant, feeling this pressure, might even not mention the cold cream container – just to avoid the emotional tumult.

OK…that’s an exaggerated scenario – but it highlights the underlying intents…and whether they’re as blatant as this example or not, they are FELT.

Being the audience of a demonstration demands attention. Being the presenter adds pressure and makes criticism personal. Dominants need to provide feedback and submissives need to listen, internalize, and adjust – but an intent to serve must not manipulate a dominant. Don’t demonstrate your submission – just submit.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

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