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Bottoms – Do You Have Your Own Play Kit?

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As a top, I have always liked it when a bottom could hold out a back pack and say “You can use anything in here.” Whether or not I do depends on what’s in the bag, of course. 

If it’s a needle kit or rope, I won’t be using any of it. Not interested. If it’s a Tens unit, I might. I’ve used one of those on myself, for my bad back. 

Butt plugs won’t be used. I don’t put things in anyone’s ass. He can, however, go to the bathroom and slip it in himself. My cane may find the end of it for a number of smacks.

It is a commonly accepted thing. The top will buy the toys, have the toys, care for the toys, etc. Yes, I have quite the collection of things I personally enjoy using on other people. They are never used on me. They can be cleaned. Poppers are given to the person they were used on. But my kit is limited to what I am capable of carrying that day.

That sounds silly, I’m sure; but I live in NYC. I have to carry my kit up four flights of stairs just to begin to get to an event. Then there are another two to four sets of stairs to get out of the station when I arrive.

If I can keep my kit fairly light, bringing only three or four things, and can count on a bottom bringing his own fun things that are specific to him, together we have expanded our play repertoire without either of us relying entirely on the other.

I don’t have nipple clamps, unless you count clothespins or those very nasty clamps with bells (fishing line bell bobbin). I don’t have weights. 

Until recently, I didn’t have wartenberg wheels. I did, however, know a bottom who brought them nearly every time he came to an event I was attending. Through using them on him, I decided to buy my own pair. I’m rather looking forward to meeting up with him again, and using both pairs at the same time. Mine in one hand and his in the other should make for a terrific scene.

I know bottoms who bring their own leg spreader; their own ankle/wrist cuffs, their own penis ropes. Things not used on other people. In this time of plague, having a kit of things to be used solely on yourself is an important investment. You don’t know how clean anyone keeps their kit. You don’t go home with them all to see what they do with their toys after the party. You don’t know how many people have already had it used on them at the party you’re attending. You can’t know.

Protect yourself. You know where your items have been. You know how they were cleaned because you did it yourself.

I used the word “investment”. Some things can be costly. It’s best to build your kit up over time. Keep in mind that a smallish woman may have a hard time handling a monster flogger. Find a more medium sized flogger that is easier to deal with but still gives the impact you want. Canes are easy and can be reasonably priced. There are numerous sellers all over Fetlife, Etsy, Ebay, Amazon. Ban-sticks, in Fetlife, is my favorite. I’ve bought four sets from her, I think. Three sets in different lengths for myself and one set as a present for my former husband.

Clothespins can be thrown away after use if you want. They’re not expensive unless you’ve put in the work and time to dye them.

Raid the kitchen for the wooden spoons or go to the dollar store and buy an inexpensive pack. You can wash and keep them to use again or discard after use. I know people who love the meat tenderizing mallet as well.

Rope. It’s easy enough to put in a pillow case and then into the washer. Cotton line can be put into the dryer. If you’re not doing suspension, cotton clothesline is fine. Don’t let anyone be snobby at you about it.

My point here is to not depend on the top to provide all the toys. 

Plague or not, every bottom should have their own play kit full of fun things they like used on them.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She’s been doing this BDSM stuff for over 30 years in private and more than 10 years in public venues. 

She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and over twenty five fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828
FB Fan Page — https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseGethis/
FB Regular page —  https://www.facebook.com/TylerRoseAuthor

She enjoys crochet, coffee, and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Let’s Switch!

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In my search for entertaining and unique questions, I have run across many that are ridiculous. But rarely have I encountered a question that initially hit me as joke material, but then, on closer examination, had some very serious elements buried within. The following question is cut from this mold. So, laugh and learn!

Reader: Can two switches collar each other? How would this process work with power exchange? After ten years together, my partner and I would like to make our commitment outwardly clear, but we’re unsure as to the steps for our specific combination. We’re new to the BDSM community, and so any advice you can give us will be greatly appreciated.

First of all, after you are finished laughing at two people collaring each other, let’s make a distinction between a play collar and a commitment collar.

In a play collar situation, the answer is pretty obvious. All you have to do is negotiate who is the Top and who is the bottom for the scene, and the Top puts the play collar on the bottom and the scene proceeds. Unless you want to switch in the middle of the scene – or at five-minute intervals – this will work out just fine. It is when you are considering a real (for want of a better term) collar – one that implies a D/s relationship – where a little more thought is required.

The key thing to remember is that, in this case, collaring means commitment.Of course, since collaring evolved out of the term “slave collar,” it does have D/s implications in it. But, to me, the commitment aspects seem far more critical than any Dominant/submissive facets of it. As all of our BDSM rituals are not strictly codified, and are loosely based on an oral tradition that dates back to the Old Guard Leather Societies, there are no hard and fast rules for collaring. Thus, I see no valid reason why the two of you cannot be collared to one another.

BDSM is a constantly evolving lifestyle. The question is how best to go about it.As I see it – and this is new territory for me — you should figure out a way to preserve the “slave collar” tradition and adapt it to your personal situation. And here is my suggestion. Try to figure out which of you is the more dominant partner. Surely, as switches, you do not switch exactly fifty percent of the time. (Possible, but unlikely.) In your life, there must be a hierarchy that gives one or the other a bit more dominance or a bit more submission. Or, you might want to see which of you is more dominant or submissive in play.

After ten year together, you should have a feel for the dynamics, no matter how subtle the distinction might be.Using either criterion, the more dominant partner can offer the more submissive one the collar. This keeps it within the basic D/s framework. And if you are contemplating a ceremony with lifestyle friends, they will be more concerned with the commitment part of the ceremony than the personal Dom/sub components of your relationship on a day-to-day basis.You might also find that having a contract — although in your case it would not be a typical “slave contract” — might add a bit of clarity to the breadth and scope of your BDSM relationship.

I am a big advocate of contracts; a contract would be a useful adjunct to your collaring. Besides, the negotiations involved with contracts can be incredibly enlightening.In general, my personal problem with collars is with the Velcro aspects of them, not the nuts and bolts of who is collaring whom. I see far too many collars that are shorter lived than a Hollywood marriage. I could care less if a collared couple does not maintain a D/s dynamic that is consistent.

Let them switch, let them have vanilla days. My concern is that the collar truly means commitment. And in your case, as a ten-year couple, it seems that you have the commitment thing down.So go out and have a great ceremony. There is nothing more beautiful than to see a collaring ceremony witnessed by lifestyle friends. Especially when you know that it is a truly meaningful collar.And in your case, it sure seems like this collar will be on your — or your partner’s — neck for a long time.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Trust and Kink

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We talk a great deal about consent in the kink community, as we should, however, I fear we sometimes do so at the the expense of other important aspects of a healthy kink relationship. In this article I want to go beyond consent and explore the role of trust in D/s dynamics.

We are going to explore it from two perspectives, that of the responsibility of the Top to be trustworthy and the reciprocal responsibility of the Bottom to be trusting.

Trustworthy tops make trusting bottoms

Trust is the solid foundation upon which a kink relationship may be built, it is what lets us explore further, take risk and be able to be our complete selves with another person. Being open about our kinks can make us very vulnerable and we take an additional risk with every new revelation. When our partner reveals a new kink to us they may be battling against every voice that has ever told them they won’t be accepted. As the Top we have to be the calm voice of acceptance, gently teasing out of them what they want. We must build ourselves in their mind as such a figure of authority that we can counter all those negative voices. Our partners must trust us more than fear the spectres of their own imagination.

When someone has enough trust in us to reveal a desire we must respect that and act to encourage further trust. Even small things are important, because it is only if we can be trusted with those little things that we can ever show that we can be trusted with the big stuff. Why would any of us ever reveal a deep kink if our partner responds to our interest in something relatively minor, spanking maybe, with ridicule or disgust?

To do and to be seen to do.

I believe it is not only important to be trustworthy but also to be seen to be trustworthy. We want and need for them to feel that they can come to us with anything. Be active in acting on information they share. If they have taken the risk of revealing something that makes them vulnerable then show them the respect of making the effort of engaging with it, don’t just say they are accepted, show they are accepted. If they say they want to engage in an activity, you be the one to suggest when it could be done.

Given all that I have said I think it is important to highlight that acceptance does not mean we need to engage in every kink our partner expresses an interest in. There are kinks that partners of mine enjoy, and I do not. That certainly doesn’t mean I would ridicule or condemn those kinks. If I am not into them it does not make them wrong. I will say that isn’t a kink of mine, but I always want them to feel safe exploring and enjoying the wholeness of who they are. Just because I do not want to do a certain activity does not mean I don’t want to support them in their right to have an interest in it.

I am lucky enough that even if I don’t enjoy an activity I probably know someone who does, and who is very good at it. Within the dynamics of my relationship I can encourage a partner to explore their kinks with others. The key here is encouragement, acceptance and support, even if it is something I am not actively doing with them.

So far everything I have touched upon has been about how we as Tops can respect and encourage trust. However there is an element of trust in D/s relationships that may be overlooked, that of the Top trusting the Bottom to communicate well and to be honest about their needs and wants. If our first step is in making ourselves trustworthy then the second step belongs to the Bottom.

Death by awkwardness

I am sure we have all been trapped in the horrific British awkwardness of the “Where would you like to eat?” “Whatever you would like to.” “Well how about Indian?” “If you would like to.” “Do you want to?” cycle. In thousands of years time archaeologist shall find the mummified remains of many a British couple so trapped in an endless cycle of indecision to the point of death.

Confidence, that is what is needed to break out of this cycle. How do we develop this confidence? It cannot happen in a vacuum, we need our Bottoms to help us, we need to trust them.

Let us explore the British awkwardness cycle of death. Someone desperately needs to make a decisive choice. There are two ways out of this, making a choice when you do not care about the other person’s opinion, or the other when you know them well enough that you feel confident making a choice for both of you. Now the first solution, of not caring, is not one I would entertain at all, and the second means we need confidence.

So where do we derive this confidence from? As with so many things I believe it comes from information.

One honest conversation

I often say to my bottoms that we need to have one honest conversation. Just once I need to have them tell me what they want, how they want it, what their desires are. After that one conversation I can take the lead, I can be confident in knowing what my partner wants.

One of the great tricks in good D/s is the Tops pretending that we are big bad Doms who do just what we want all the time and the poor Bottom is helpless. We can keep this up if we feel confident that the information we are working with is accurate and honest. I would feel terrible if I set up a big scene based on what I thought were a Bottoms likes and desires, only to find out afterwards that they hadn’t enjoyed the scene. That might make me hesitate, question my every action in future and that in turn has a knock on effect on the confidence my Bottom might have in me. We may even get sucked back into the British awkwardness cycle of death. “Is it okay to spank you?” “If you would like to.” “I would like to if you would like to.” and so on ad infinitum.

If I am to pretend to force them, to take on the role of the confident sadist I need to not be double checking everything I do. This means I need to be able to trust my Bottom to have honestly told me what they want. It also means I need to be able to trust them to communicate mid-scene as well. I need to know they will safeword if the need arises.

Finding our feet

It may take us a while to find our feet, to learn what we want from each other in a new relationship. As such it is okay not to know exactly what you want to begin with, just make sure to express that.

The Top needs to be trustworthy from the beginning even as we are learning how we will engage with this new person. The Bottom has the luxury of having time to learn what they want to do. However, once they have they need to remember their Top is not a mind reader, and they have to tell them.

We can only do so much to make ourselves a safe person to confide in, we then need our partners to be honest. We cannot effectively lead with any sort of confidence if we don’t believe our partner. The responsibility for when people act in good faith on false information rests squarely on the shoulders of the one who provided the false information. Bottoms need to be aware of that and accept it when they consider how they communicate with their Tops. There is only so much responsibility we Tops can take on. However that does not absolve us of our responsibility, we are in a position of greater authority and thus our responsibility is greater.

Trust in turn

Trust goes both way. Each of us involved in the relationship might have a greater or lesser role in developing that trust, but we must never forget that while it is Tops who may be supposed to lead it is good Bottoms that make us good Tops.

D/s relationships are filled with nuances of emotional meaning, here revealing a kink is not just saying “I want to do naughty things with you.” it is also saying “I trust you enough to tell you these secrets.” and when we reply by saying “I would like to do those naughty things with you.” we are also saying “I accept who you are, you are safe being who you are with me.”

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Rika’s Lair – Expectations, Rights, and Obligations – Part 1

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As the new year approaches, most of us are thinking about the year gone by and looking forward to the future. It’s the perfect time to consider our New Year’s resolutions: How we’d like to improve ourselves and our relationships going forward. It’s the perfect time to consider what this D/s dynamic really means to us.

Last month, we started with a discussion of “Intent” over “Activities”. We noted how dominance and submission do not consist of things that you do (or are made to do), but rather the reason behind the things that you do. We viewed submission as an action, not a reaction. We further defined submission as actions intended to serve the dominant’s preferences. Lastly, we briefly touched on communication as enabler for dominant-centric submission. If you missed last month’s article, you can check the November 19th archive!

This month, I’d like to spend a little time discussing the roles involved in a D/s dynamic and, in particular, the rights, responsibilities, expectations, and obligations that those roles entail. We’re going to shake a few trees with this discussion and we’re going to cover a concept that I introduced in my second book that sits at the cornerstone of my methodology for adding D/s dynamics to your relationships.

We’re going to cover this topic over two weeks. This week, we’ll establish the basis for the discussion: The layers within our D/s relationship and the rights of expectation involved in a power transfer. Then, in the December 24th edition, we’ll get into a deeper discussion of obligations. Let’s get started!

The Underlying Relationship A power dynamic is built upon a relationship of one type or another. There are many forms of relationships, ranging from casual acquaintances to life partners and spouses. Some are contractually binding (think marriage contract), others are based in quid-pro-quo (think client/professional – pay for play), and others are purely emotional (think friends and partners). They can exist anywhere in the emotional spectrum between professional, nearly clinical relationships to deeply committed ones. Regardless of the type of relationship, any can support a power dynamic.

It’s interesting to note that the type of power dynamic is independent from the type of relationship upon which it lies. You can have intense, deeply committed power dynamics riding on a base of friendship (friends with kinky benefits) as easily as you can have casual scene-based, bedroom-only dynamics in a marriage…and vice versa.

There are a few attributes that are common across relationships, and while the intensity and criticality of these vary based on the type of relationship, they exist in some form or another in each of them. Among these you will find things like: Trust, honesty, caring, respect, open communications, mutual fulfillment, and perhaps love. These attributes occur in some form or another in all relationships, with and without power dynamics, and are not functions of a power dynamic, but of the relationship itself.

The power dynamic is going to contribute other attributes to the relationship, such as: The intent of service, commitment to roles, pleasure, catharsis, and a voluntary imbalance of power that results in new rights of expectation.

The Right of Expectation

When you think about the characteristics of the underlying relationship, you see they are balanced and mutual. They give both partners equal rights to expect certain behavior of each other: The expectation to be treated with care and concern for one’s health, to be treated with respect, communicated with, to be spoken to honestly and openly, etc. In all relationships, both partners are granted these rights. Again, the degree to which these apply depend on the relationship type, but regardless, these rights are equal and mutual. Since the underlying relationship, along with all of its characteristics, continue even after a power dynamic is added to the mix, the mutual rights and expectations of both partners continue throughout. This is important to recognize: The attributes and responsibilities of the underlying relationship remain in play, even after a power dynamic is added.

The moment submissives commit themselves in service to a dominant – with the intent to serve as the dominant’s submissive – and a D/s dynamic is created, the dominant is given a new, additional, right. The submissive has promised to strive to fulfill the preferences of the dominant. This means that the dominant is given the right to expect and even demand that the submissive live up to that commitment. Suddenly, anything the dominant wants, needs, or desires becomes something that the submissive has committed to deliver. I call this new privilege the “Right of Expectation”.

The dominant is not committing the same thing; the submissive is not granted the same new privilege. The submissive retains the same rights they had before the power transfer, because the underlying relationship continues to be in force, but they do not gain any new rights because of it. Only the dominant gets the new rights. This creates an imbalance of power that sways heavily to the dominant. It goes above and beyond the natural mutual expectations of being in a relationship and gives the dominant additional privileges.

Most submissives recognize the imbalance, the “unfairness” of the dynamic, which is exactly what gives them that feeling of submission; of being out of control. Without that imbalance, the dynamic reportedly lacks a realness.

As a dominant, I recognize that my sub has a choice, each and every moment he is my sub; he chooses to remain my sub. He chooses to focus on fulfilling my expectations – expectations he gave me the right to have when he committed to becoming my submissive. It is that commitment that shifts the power to me…not because I’m “all-powerful”, but because he is focused and dedicated to doing whatever I prefer for him to do. As a consequence, my preferences are prioritized above his. He chooses his actions and attitudes based on his understanding of my preferences, priorities, and needs. He “obeys” me, not because he “has to obey”, but because he knows that if he does not obey me, goes against my desires, then that would not further his objective to please me. It would violate his commitment to my preferences. My “Power” comes from our mutual understanding of his commitment, not out of physical strength and control. It’s a very real power – a power he chooses to continue to give me every day. A power that stems directly from my right of expectation.

Obligations The obligations of a submissive are pretty clear: Dedicate themselves 100% to fulfilling the communicated expectations of their dominant. They commit themselves to that promise when they offer their submission. This is what provides the right of expectation. There is little argument when it comes to the obligations of the submissive.

The discussion is not so clear, however, when it comes to the obligations of the dominant. Because we’re in a relationship, there is still obligation and responsibility as a partner. However, it is a very different type of obligation and isn’t anywhere nearly as taxing on the dominant as it is on the

submissive.

Over the years, I’ve heard some very strong opinions on how “new-found power” obligates dominants. These statements came mostly from submissives, however, there are also quite a few dominants who readily volunteer to be strongly obligated by the fact that they have accepted a submissive’s commitment to serve. They quote Voltaire in the line made more recently famous by “Spiderman”, “With great power comes great responsibility”.

The main factor supporting these opinions is the viewpoint that the power transfer has somehow rendered the submissive helpless to take care of themselves, or to think on their own, and it therefore becomes the obligation of dominant to care for, protect, and take accountability for, the submissive. However, not all power transfers result in a helpless submissive and I strongly advise against allowing that notion to take hold your dynamics, unless it applies.

I see validity in this notion of additional responsibility if you’re engaging in BDSM-like activities (as many readers of “Kink Weekly” do!), but not because of the power dynamic itself. Rather, because BDSM is a practice in which the submissive is often rendered incapable of stopping themselves from being put in harm’s way, or from engaging in potentially dangerous activities. The Top is obligated, because protecting someone who is dependent on you is a natural extension of the underlying relationship attributes. As a general rule of society, even without power dynamics, if you engage in activities in which you are potentially endangering another individual’s wellbeing, or are in a position to harm them physically or emotionally, you are obliged to act with care and concern. If you shoot weapons, practice martial arts, race motorcycles, perform surgery, look after children, provide psychiatric advice, etc., you have an obligation to look after your fellow man. That’s a relationship requirement. In BDSM-scene dynamics, if you’re going to render your partner helpless, flog them, hurt them, attack their psyches, or otherwise play in the realm of BDSM, you are obligated to do so with care and concern. Not because it’s a power dynamic, but because of the nature of the specific activities in which you are engaging.

There is also the notion that submission is regression: That by submitting to a dominant, the submissive releases themselves from all responsibility and control, and can therefore regress into a state of absolution; a return to childhood, where accountability and responsibility all laid in the hands of the parent – now dominant.

These notions do not always hold true. Submission and the power transfer are the result of a very unique and personal commitment. They do not always result in BDSM play or Regression. Whether submission will result in these types of dynamics depends on the definition of submission; which is determined by the preferences of the dominant. Therefore, it’s not the act of submission that creates these additional responsibilities for the dominant, it’s the dominant’s choice of the individual activities. For example, my dynamics with my submissives are not based in BDSM or regression. I personally will not agree to take on those types of obligations. My subs remain responsible and accountable for their submission and for their actions within that submission.

Furthermore, adults who make commitments are responsible for keeping them. I’ve been shocked to hear submissives say, “since they are giving themselves to a dominant, the dominant becomes responsible for driving them, keeping them honest, assuring that they carry out their tasks, punishing them when they misbehave, controlling their orgasms, rewarding them, protecting them, and taking ultimate accountability for their actions”. Wow! The way they transfer the responsibility of living up to their commitment onto the dominant, you’d think you were listening to a child make promises to take

care of the dog they want their parents to buy. No thank you! I expect my submissives to take the responsibility to own and be accountable for their commitments.

You do take on more responsibility should you choose to engage in potentially dangerous activities. But you do not take on these additional obligations because you’re the dominant, only because you’re in control of a situation that is potentially harmful to your partner.

The dominant does, however, take on new responsibilities. The dynamic is not one-sided. However, the dominant’s obligations are very different from those of the submissive. The dominant is not promising to serve, even if some of the things that they do provide a service to the submissive. As dominants, our INTENT is to be served in the best possible way – and therefore our obligations center more around helping our submissives to understand what they are expected to do, and to know how they’re doing against those expectations, and what they can do to improve.

Hopefully, this week’s entry gives you some food for thought. In the December 24th edition of “Kink Weekly”, Part 2 of this article will dive into the obligations of the dominant in quite some depth.

– Rika.

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric, Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A- Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”.

A Deeper BDSM Experience Awaits You, Outside Your Comfort Zone

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Illustration by Dirk Hooper

I hear from people with very different problems, but all share the same solution.

One guy is into FinDom, and deeply enjoys the interaction he gets online, but then feels a profound sense of loneliness afterward. He thinks he knows about BDSM, but, he’s only had a small taste of it.

A woman has practiced professional domination, enjoys it, and wants to be an amazing Domme. She’s also interested in the lifestyle component. But her research hasn’t answered any of the questions that she has, and she’s having a hard time learning the ropes, so to speak.

Another woman hangs out on Fetlife and reads a library full of books, but still can’t put it all together in her head. Plus, she’s looking for the right partner and all she’s finding is a bunch of guys who want one night stands instead of a real relationship.

So, what do all these people have in common?

They all need to get out from behind a computer screen, their cell phone, or get their nose out of a book, and find a local BDSM group.

Look, I know all the reasons why you’re not attending the local BDSM group,

Maybe you’re shy,

Maybe you’re scared, and it all looks a little weird,

Maybe you live in a small town and you must travel a little bit to find the local group,

Or maybe you’re busy.

I’ve had all those reasons and many more to not go to a local BDSM group. I get it. I really do. It’s so much easier to dig around on the Internet or lose yourself in books, but the fact is that connecting the dots, seriously putting it all together, comes from real life, hands-on, experience.

Now, before I go any further, I want to state unequivocally that you’re not required by law to attend BDSM group or a kink event. If you don’t do this, it doesn’t make you any less valid of a kinky person. Some people will meet a special person and will discover everything they need to know together, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

It’s also possible that the fantasy of all of this or just playing in individual scenes is exactly what you’re looking for. That’s okay too.

But, if you’re the type of person who feels this deep inside and knows in their heart that there must be more out there… more knowledge, more connection, more passion, then there is an answer for you. Find a local BDSM group, or an event, and take the plunge.

There are so many things that a local group or a BDSM event are going to do for you.

Real-Life Play

One of the great things about BDSM play parties is getting the opportunity to watch couples conduct their scenes. Everyone has their own dynamic and their own style. You’re going to get a smorgasbord of unique scenes, different players, various toys, and more importantly, you’re going to see how this looks in reality.

The first time I went to play party it was at an upscale home filled with all sorts of kinky people. Even if I didn’t play that first night (I did) it opened my eyes to the vast difference between what you see in porn videos and in movies, versus what happens in a real kinky scene. Every room was like a different channel with a different show playing.

It was a crash course in kinky play. And worth far more than all the books, magazines, and videos I had consumed previously.

There’s another obvious bonus to experiencing real-life play and that’s the opportunity to participate yourself. I played on that first night and it was exhilarating. Some of the things I learned that night I still use to this day. It’s a valuable experience.

Asking Questions

At a BDSM event, you can follow up on what you’ve just seen by asking the participants questions.

Always be incredibly respectful of people in a scene or who are practicing aftercare. Don’t disturb them while they are interacting with each other.

But when things have cooled down, or maybe while they’re putting away toys, if you approach people and ask questions in a respectful manner, most people will be happy to pass on their wisdom.

Often when I’m asking questions about toys or technique or how people feel they will do much more than just tell me. People will frequently allow me to inspect a whip or toy they used. Some will go as far as teaching me how to use an item or demonstrate it on me.

Much of the deeper learning that I have is directly related to speaking to people who have just played and are doing something that interests me.

It frequently leads to friendships, connections, and sometimes mentors, which leads to my next section.

Friendships, Connections, and Mentors

Most people imagine that BDSM events are like Eyes Wide Shut. Sure, there are some events that are like that, but most are a lot more like a science fiction convention.

People go throughout their entire life with this secret interest. It’s likely they don’t share this secret with their friends, family, or coworkers. In fact, they’re probably fighting as hard as they can to keep it away from those exact people.

At a BDSM event, you’re finally surrounded by people who understand what you’re going through. They all have a similar story. And this is their chance to speak openly about what they’re into. It’s liberating. But it’s also a very powerful opportunity for you to meet like-minded people.

That’s one of the reasons why people are so willing to speak to you about their tools and methods. Submissives can be particularly forthcoming about their feelings in a scene. If you’re respectful and inquisitive you can learn so much just by asking a few questions.

Your interactions could easily lead to new friendships, important connections, and maybe even a mentor if that something that you’re interested in.

Those relationships are incredibly valuable to you because they may give you the only outlet you have to talk about this kinky stuff.

Meet A Romantic Partner

While I don’t think making a romantic connection should be your first priority at a BDSM group, there are some distinct advantages to meeting someone in this setting.

You’re going to get a chance to talk with them at length about what they’re into. You can tell if there’s real chemistry between the two of you. You might even get a chance to see them play or play with them in a safe environment.

Also, you’re surrounded by people who may know more about the person you’re interested in. You can get some firsthand knowledge about who this person is, what their history is, and whether they can be trusted or not.

In fact, you could use a BDSM group as a place to meet someone that you’ve met online. Again, you’re going to be surrounded by people who know what they’re doing and are going to be looking out for you better than if you met one-on-one in a private location.

Demonstrations

Most BDSM groups offer classes or seminars on just about every aspect of BDSM that you can imagine.

I don’t care how many YouTube videos that you watch, it’s not the same as seeing it and experiencing it in real life.

You’re going to be right there. You can ask questions, get a better view, or play along with whatever is happening.

It’s going to be better than any class you took in high school!

It’s Fun!

The best reason of all to go to a BDSM group or event is that it’s simply fun. There’s so much that goes on at these things that you can never imagine. Each group and each event is going to be totally different. Once you go, you’re going to be hooked!

It’s possible that you find a group that’s not a good fit for you. Try again with another group. They all have their unique pros and cons.

If you’re interested in a deeper knowledge or a more passionate understanding of BDSM nothing beats real-life experience.

Even if you’re antisocial, you have to travel a bit, or you’re a little nervous, I can promise you that it is worth getting outside of your comfort zone and making the extra effort to connect with the community.

About the Author

Dirk Hooper is an award-winning fetish photographer, professional writer, audiobook narrator, podcasting producer and host, journalist for the fetish community, BDSM mentor, and adult personal branding and marketing consultant for Sexy Networking.

Dirk Hooper won Best Fetish Photographer at the 2017 Fetish Awards in St. Petersburg Florida. As a fine-art fetish photographer, Hooper’s work has been exhibited in England, the Netherlands, Belgium, China and all over the United States.  His work is part of the permanent collections of the Kinsey Institute at Indiana University and the Leather Archives and Museum in Chicago, Illinois. Dirk Hooper’s work has been published in magazines like Skin Two, Von Gutenberg, Fet Erotica and Sinical Magazine.  His work was published in the German hardcover art book “Fetish Fantasies: The Best of International Fetish Photography.” He has done professional photography for bands, books, posters and the adult film industry.  Hooper co-founded the alternative modeling site Toxic Goddess.  He offers his photography services for portraits and commercial projects.

Hooper’s articles have recently been published at Business Insider, Inc. Magazine, HuffPost, Slate Magazine, The Sporting News, MSN Sport, and Quartz. He has won the Quora Top Writer award for the past two years. He has also been published as a comic writer, a poet, and performed numerous copywriting assignments for professional and private clients. He is currently working on an erotic novel and a non-fiction book about social networking.

Dirk Hooper is the Host and Executive Producer of “The Fetish Show.”  He has also recently launched a new podcast about success and inspiration titled, “The Dirk Side.” Hooper has been podcasting since 2005 and has produced hundreds of hours of shows over several networks. His first audiobook narration was for the Suzanne Steele novel “Glazov.”

Dirk Hooper does journalism for the BDSM and fetish community through The Fetish Show News, FETISHWEEK articles, the Daily Fetish Chronicle and freelance writing.  Hooper’s award-winning website, http://www.DirkHooper.com features a gallery of his work, informational articles and is the home of “FETISHWEEK.”

Hooper’s inspiration for his work is an extension of his interests and experience in the BDSM and fetish community.  He is a BDSM mentor and has helped guide or train both dominants and submissives.

Hooper works as a consultant on personal branding, social networking, SEO, copywriting, design and marketing through his Sexy Networking business at http://SexyNetworking.com.

How Not To Be Afraid to Top

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There was a huge shake-up within the NYC public scene late 2017 into early 2018. Some big names in the scene were accused of various consent violations, some of them several years old, one after the other. “Pillars” of the (gak) community, as it were. Long time educators and party/convention promoters went down in flames, one by one, almost overnight. The whole thing got very ugly, as we all watched and waited to see who would be next.

While it was going on, I saw a post from a newish top saying they were afraid to be a top because of the “hang ‘em high” atmosphere. There is also a frightening trend of bottoms deciding months, even years later, that something fully consented to at the time is suddenly not. We’ve dubbed it “retroactively withdrawing consent”, and it is a frightening prospect.

That post, and this new trend, prompted this piece.

—————

There are people who point out that we have to have new subs/bottoms at the parties. Okay. Great. I agree.

We also need new tops in order to have a thriving public scene. If the tops are scared away by the prospect of having their name and reputation dragged through the court of public opinion by someone who was fully consenting at the time, who are the bottoms going to play with? It’s a double-edged sword.

There are plenty of “how to be a bottom” discussions. But there’s not very much “how to be a top” that doesn’t disintegrate into “you must aftercare or you’re a BAD TOP!!!” Once that happens, there can’t be any discussion about topping. The entire thread becomes mired in the endless DO TOO!/DO NOT!!! shouting matches that all-too-often just get a discussion closed.

Many people are focused on the poor, ever-innocent bottom and how that big mean top is totally going to violate them the first chance he gets. No one thinks about how a top might have to protect themselves.

As a top, you also have the right to protect yourself from bad situations. This is a candid article, experienced top to new top, about casual/pick up play at a party, and how to implement an ethic that can go a long way toward building and protecting both yourself and your reputation. Is it foolproof? No. I would never say that. But I do believe that having a plan, and sticking to it, is better than traipsing through the scene with no regard for the consequences.

First a few simple truths:

You don’t have to play with any and every bottom who asks you.
I’ve seen it happen to others and it’s happened to me. A bottom bounces up to you and all but demands you play with them. They don’t even ask. “I want a spanking from you” rather than “would you please give me a spanking”, then they have the nerve to get angry if you say no. Hold your ground. If they get angry that you refuse, would you ever want to play with that person? When someone shows you who they are, believe them.


You can refuse to play with anyone at any time.
Even if you’ve made prior arrangements to play, you can change your mind and not play with them when the time comes. If the bottom can back out at any point, so can the top. That shoe fits equally well on both feet.


You don’t have to have any reason other than “I don’t want to”.
If “no” is a full sentence for bottoms, then it’s a full sentence for tops as well. You don’t have to give an explanation if you don’t want to.


No one has the right to guilt or badger you into topping them.
If it’s not okay for a top to guilt or badger a bottom, then the reverse is also true and the bottom has no right to hound you for play either.

Implement a few simple rules and standards for yourself to follow. Below is a list of simple starting points.

  1. Only play with people who know and understand what they are asking for and agreeing to. Make sure their expectations are reasonable. When it’s clear a person doesn’t understand, or their expectations are unreasonable, respond with straightforward language. Ambiguity is your enemy. Be very specific.

Ex: The bottom wants a caning but no marks. That is an unreasonable expectation. Tell them straight up “You’re being hit with a hard stick. If you can’t accept that there will be marks, don’t do impact.”

You don’t know if the bottom marks easily or not. You don’t know how easily they bruise. You can’t know that. You cannot promise no marks. You cannot promise a bruise won’t pop up three days later.

  1. If the bottom is hesitant, or unable, to explain when you question their understanding of what they want, don’t play with them.

This may seem harsh, but we are talking about your personal safety and reputation within your local scene. Even if you don’t play in public, you can still earn a bad reputation if the bottom does attend events and decides to tell the world about your playtime encounter.

Not to mention: If the bottom cannot articulate/communicate appropriately BEFORE play begins, they won’t magically get any better at it once the endorphins start kicking in. Poor communication skills, from either end of the cane, are your enemy.

  1. If they have a habit of making dramatic mountains out of meaningless molehills, don’t play with them.

Does a person gossip about other people all the time? They’ll gossip about you too. If they do it with former partners, they will do it with you. Don’t think for one minute that they won’t.

  1. During play, less is more. Always leave them wanting more rather than regretting they didn’t say stop.

Casual/pick up play with a stranger you’ve never met before isn’t often dom/sub play. It is topping and bottoming and both parties need to be able to say yes and no along the way. Don’t be afraid to ask “do you want (this) or do you want (that), less or more, harder/softer/the same?” Always offer the option to stop right that moment. If it is the bottom’s choice every step of the way, then it’s all consented to. Abide by the answer unless they are hesitant.

What if they are hesitant?
If they hesitate to say yes, then it’s no. Don’t do that thing.
If they hesitate between more or less, then the answer is less.
Err on the side of caution. Always.
You can always play a bit more later on during the event, or another day.

  1. Keep your fingers, mouth, feet, knees, elbows, implements, etc, away from where they ought not be.

You cannot take liberties with someone you have never played with before. It takes time to build the play partner relationship, to learn each other’s signals. That’s not likely to happen during this half hour of play at a very loud party, when you’ve barely talked about the weather let alone your entire sexual and playtime histories.

So if you haven’t asked if they want it (whatever “it” is), then don’t do it. That includes rubbing the butt or shoulder after a series of impact hits. Ask first, before you start play, if that kind of touching is okay. Some do like it. Some don’t. This is not something to assume once you get going.

Assume nothing.

  1. Regarding after care.
    There are those who demand that all tops and doms must absolutely give aftercare to every bottom, no matter what.

I’m here to tell you they are wrong. In my ten years of public play, wailing on dozens and dozens of different people, the only aftercare I’ve ever performed was to put a band aid on someone’s butt.

I don’t do aftercare. All manner of insults are hurled at me online for saying that. At the party, I get a response of “why would there be?” For all the yammering in online forums, there’s remarkably little of it actually happening at the dungeon.

Not all bottoms want anything more than a hug. Some don’t even want that much. If the bottom doesn’t want you to do anything for them when you’re done playing, then trying to force it on them would be wrong.

Some tops require the care from the bottom, which is quite a turnaround from what is generally considered the norm.

Talk about it as soon as the question “wanna play?” is asked. Whether or not there will be any sort of aftercare should be discussed before you even look at implements and decide what is going to be used. It must be agreed upon from the start. If the bottom wants something you’re not willing to do, or you want the care but the bottom isn’t willing to do what you need, then there’s no point in discussing what type of play will be had.

  1. If you, as the top, have ANY doubts, don’t even start to play.

    Listen to your gut and err on the side of caution. Always.

Watch how people play and behave. I have made decisions about bottoms I won’t play with just watching how they interact with others when asking for play or during a scene.

There’s always another party, another time.

  1. There is a temptation to go to All The Parties. Don’t.

    It’s downright exhausting to try to attend everything. Not to mention expensive. Hit this party or that party. Keep within the confines of your wallet. Find a place you like, or “like enough”, and establish yourself there.

Become known by the regulars of that venue. Learn the familiar faces and become friendly with some of them. As you gain experience, it’s easier to go with confidence to other venues and events.

As you find your place, find your footing, you might start to relax some of these steps. Or not.

It may also happen that someone close to you finds themselves in hot water, and you end up relieved that you’ve stuck to your personal protocols and standards. You might choose never to relax them.

Only you can decide what is going to be right and best for you.

About the Author

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twenty fiction books that you can find on Amazon. https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can find more of her work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

Why My Girl Isn’t Allowed To Say “No”

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I am sure we have all heard the sweaty, uber-dom declare; “True submissives I play with don’t have safe-words.” and “My partner isn’t allowed to say no to me.” followed by a grin which could only be described as unfortunate.

I would argue that such an attitude is at best pointless posturing and at worst an indicator of dangerous abuse. So let us explore these two points, the role each has to play in kink and why I would disagree with this attitude.

First; safe-words.

Safe-words are an integral part of how we provide clear lines of communication throughout our community. Whatever the situation, I don’t think there is a one of us whose ears don’t prick up at the shout of “Red!” in any environment. I think it would be arrogant in the extreme for any of us to think we are so skilled in the reading of body language as not to need, and appreciate, a verbal cue for when things are going too far.

But there is a risk to these short cuts, to relying too heavily upon a presumed common language. Kink lexicography is not yet set and as such can be treacherous.

I have played with people for whom Red! meant: “Stop the scene, untie me, get a blanket it is aftercare time.” While for others it means: “Stop doing what you are doing, check in with me and maybe we shall continue.” For others it even means: “Stop using that item, but carry on with something else.”

These are just three definitions of the same word, and none of them are wrong, just different. However what happens when I expect someone to use Red! to mean stop using the cane and switch to a flogger, where as for them it means: “Untie me and give me aftercare, asap!” In my mind I have respected their consent rules, but for them they are still tied down and only thing that has changed is that I am now using a flogger. What they need and have expressed hasn’t been respected.

This precise concern is what has lead to some refinement of our kink language, many people now use a “traffic light” system; Green, Amber, Red. Green to mean carry on or even do more, Amber to say slow down or switch what you are doing, and Red as a clear indicator to end the scene.

I am a huge fan of pre-scene negotiation which doesn’t just include what they want to do, but also what to do if things go wrong. What kind of aftercare do they want at the end of a scene? What about if they need to safe-word, what kind of aftercare do they need then? What does Red mean to them? How do they let me know something has gone wrong if they cannot talk? The more time we spend learning all this before a scene the better we can mitigate the risk of needing to use any of the information.

This is also the time to check with them what type of safe-words they use, do they use a traffic light system? What does Red mean for them?

Communication is so important at this time, so that we can properly understand each other in the midst of play. Defining how safe-words work for you and your partner is far better done while having a cup of tea than when one of you is hanging upside down on a cross, blindfolded, whips cracking and music going.

Now is the bit where I horribly contradict myself! Remember that less than pleasant fellow I described at the beginning; the uber-dom with the regrettable smile. Yep, him, well here is the confession, I don’t let my partner say no to me either.

So why would I say all that I have about safe words, and the importance of communication when I am now saying I don’t let my partner say no to me? First let me explain that just because my partner cannot say no to me it does not mean she cannot disagree with me. In fact it is precisely because of my love of communication that she is not allowed to say no. When I am playing with someone who I am not in a relationship with, with whom the scene shall be self contained, safe-words are perfectly sufficient and they can say no about anything we discuss, but in my D/s relationships I need more.

I draw a clear distinction between my play relationships and my D/s relationships. One of the biggest differences is that in my play relationships there is no expectation on either party outside of the scene, we play, play ends, we are back to being friends. However, in my D/s relationships a scene is just part of the greater relationship, there are expectations which exist at all times. During a scene the dynamic might be heightened but that relationship does not end when the scene ends.

My D/s relationships thrive when I am fed information, the more I have the better I can structure and direct our relationship. I encourage clear communication whenever possible, and so I don’t let my partner just say “no”. They have to give me a reason, they need to explain why they don’t want to follow an instruction. They know that they need to be able to articulate a problem to me, it forces them to think about why they don’t want to do something, what reason they have and then to express it to me.

If I were to make a statement about an intended activity and she responded simply with “No” then that shuts down the conversation. I am left with no new information and, in my attempts to discern the reason for her having said no, might well settle upon a mistaken idea.

She said “No” to going to an event naked; “But why?” I ask myself “Is she feeling self-conscious about her body? Perhaps I need to work on building up her sense of self worth?” Now I am performing mental acrobatics trying to discern the reason for her reservation rather than focusing on our upcoming event. While in reality it might be as simple as she knows the venue is often cold.

Now in the scenario described above one would expect that such a simple thing would be explained. However, by placing the explanation at the forefront of the conversation it helps with those more complex issues. Is there an issue I am unaware of, does something make her feel uneasy? Then it must be explored, expressed and dealt with. Rather than place the conversation ending word “No”at the beginning of the conversation we remove it entirely.

If me partner ever responds to me with just “No” she knows that she is going to be in trouble, but if she comes to me with a problem and does her best to explain it then she knows that will only be met with care and support. This restriction and forcing of dialog is about more than just the issue being addressed, it is about training her in how to express a problem. I believe it is something us tops should be very aware of; we have to encourage and positively reward our bottoms whenever they come to us with a well articulated issue. They have thought about an order, considered your instruction and found there to be something they see as a real problem in carrying it out. That kind of dedication and care towards our instructions should always be rewarded with positive attention. At times they may come to us with half formed idea, maybe something just doesn’t feel right, then we should encourage them and work together to understand the root of the problem. We should never be angry that an instruction is being questioned when it is being done in a constructive way.

Even though my approach to two distinct forms of consent in the kink community are very different on the surface I believe they have the same underlying motivation, to draw out clear communication between everyone involved. For me communication is everything. Whether it is just confirming what Red means to a person I am about to scene with, or learning about a problem my D/s partner has with an order, through their communication I am learning, and getting better at what I do because of it.

About the Author
Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Rules

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Rules, I LOVE rules. Long lists of complicated instructions relating to everything from when they can speak to what furniture they are allowed to sit on, or short simple ones like always wearing their collar when we play. There are so many to choose from, and as with so many things in kink they are only limited by your imagination. When we set rules is it because we actually want them to be followed? Are we setting unachievable goals so that the bottom cannot help but eventually fail? Are the rules designed to eventually become patterns of unthinking behaviour, effectively training the bottom?

So let me start by narrowing the topic, here we are talking about rules that are supposed to be followed, not play rules that are fun to break or challenge. The rules we are discussing are those most often found in long term D/s dynamics.

What these rules end up being, the punishments agreed upon if the are broken, where they are enforced, all of this is just the beginning.

We can often mistake rules as being only about control. A way for the top to exercise their desire and dominance over another person, when physically there or not. However, I believe rules can be far more than that. First we need to decide what the objective of the rules are and where they are enforced. Then we can explore how rules can build trust and bring the top and bottom closer together.

I believe that rules are about trust. Because of that they need to come from a positive place. They need to be rules that genuinely make the top happy, and that improve the bottom in ways you both want, even if that is just in making them a better bottom. When I set a rule it is always with the objective of developing the bottom. Small rules can set the foundation for much greater changes.

Rules can be contextual or temporal, existing perhaps only in the bedroom, or on kinky weekends.

Rules can exist in perpetuity, even if they only are acted upon in a certain environment.

Rules can be omnipresent, forming the foundation for patterns of behaviour which stretch from the bedroom to the workplace and every corner of life.

Whatever rules you settle on they are not just about control, they are also about trust. As a top it is vitally important that you treat the rules with respect. You imbue them with all their power by enforcing them, fail to enforce them and the rules are meaningless.

Consider a bottom who has studiously been following the rules of a long distance relationship, and let us imagine that rule is to send the top a picture of them in their underwear every morning when getting ready for work. For three weeks, without fail, they have sent a picture, posed and considered to their top. Then one morning the alarm doesn’t go off! In the frantic rush that follows the photo is forgotten and it isn’t until the evening that they remember. An apologetic message is sent immediately, explaining the situation and begging forgiveness. Then the Top replies saying that they hadn’t remembered and that it is okay, they understand and it is fine.

What an incredibly underwhelming response!

For three weeks the bottom has been mindful, considerate and obedient. Let us not forget that it can be hard work as well, spending that extra time every day fulfilling the wishes of another person. With one act of nonchalant dismissal the Top has devalued all that hard work. What bottom would want to go though that again?

How much more exciting is it for the bottom to receive a text as they rush to work, a simple threatening question: “Where is my photo?” Adrenalin starts to flow, the delightful panic of knowing that punishment is impending, the fear of failure and the reassurance that the Top is always thinking about the bottom, monitoring them, aware of their actions and failures. We can easily focus on the surface emotions of that moment; fear, a sense of failure, impending doom. However, we shouldn’t forget the greater affirming impact on the relationship. The reminder that the Top is dedicated to the bottoms development, thinking about them, aware of their actions.

Isn’t this a more fulfilling response? I think so.

A rule should be rewarded when followed, and punished when defied.

A reward should be tailored to the bottom. Some only require a simple “Well done!” others need a reward chart with a big reward at the end. But most often the reward is recognition. It should be carefully balance though, not to over reward or under-appreciate. A rule should exist with a certain expectation of obedience and so giving praise for something that hasn’t actually been hard devalues the Top’s praise. However, no praise at all is demotivating.

Learn your bottom, give as much consideration to a “Well done!” as you would a spanking. Plan a big reward with as much care as you would a 6 hour beating scene. The reward part of the rule is just as important as the punishment part, both reinforce the value of the rule.

Punishments give a rule value, the higher the punishment the more important the rule. We should intrinsically know this, it is why murder gets life in prison and jaywalking a fine. But these are detached, we commit the infraction against a ethereal entity, society, but breaking a rule in a D/s dynamic is personal. You are breaking my rule. So here we can choose to punish even the smallest infraction in a most severe manner. We are punishing not just violation of the rule but the rebellion or forgetfulness which caused the rule to be broken.

I should highlight here that when I talk about punishing the infringement of a rule, I do not suggest you be merciless. We live in the real world, things go wrong, people get upset, things are forgotten for good reason. Depending on the circumstances a punishment might well not be appropriate or deserved, but I strongly suggest it is highlighted. Let them know it is not forgotten, but it is forgiven because of the situation. In this way a potentially upsetting situation can become another chance to show care and attention.

Rules are great fun, and if you want they can run deep through the very core of a D/s relationship. If that is what you want then they reward consideration, planning and forethought, but treat them casually and they can turn on you. Rules are not for the lazy Top, because unlike the bottom we don’t have anyone holding a stick over us to make us respect them.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Unmasked

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Brian Vox-http://www.voxart9.com/

Dances at geek conventions are a very mixed bag. Put several hundred socially awkward nerds in a room together with loud music and alcohol and one of two things will happen. Either everyone will sit quietly huddled together with the few other people they know, trying to talk over the music, or enough people will overcome their awkwardness that the dance floor will be packed with people who are mostly too scared to talk to one another.

This dance was themed around superheroes and villains, and he was thrilled to be there. He was tall, well-muscled, and his father was from Puerto Rico, which meant that it was a natural fit for him to take the costume of a luchador-inspired villain who had been responsible for the destruction of one of comics’ most popular heroes a few years ago. He went for more of a comic-inspired version of the outfit than the one from the movie that came out a few years ago, meaning he wore black spandex that left his massive arms exposed, and his mask was a luchador-style one with a zippered opening allowing the mouth to come away from the mask so he could eat and drink.

His roommate for the convention had insisted on their costumes and that they come out to the dance, and he had reluctantly agreed. He was still in the midst of an unpleasant divorce, so while he had been looking forward to the convention, the idea of spending a night surrounded by drunk and desperate nerds was of limited interest to him. Predictably, his roommate spotted a young twenty-something dressed as a female clown-themed villain moments after they arrived at the dance and vanished into the crowd, leaving him alone.

Sweeping his gaze across the crowd, he tried to figure out how long he had to stay at the dance before he could slip away. His roommate would probably go back to the room of the blonde he had chased after, so no one would know that he left. He could get in a workout, turn in early, and be ready for the convention tomorrow.

So resolved, he turned towards to the exit and started to make his way out, not looking down, and so he almost tripped over her. She was maybe 5’6” tall, and some of that came from the black stilettos she wore. Her hair was long and dark, spilling out of the latex cat-inspired cowl. Her eyes were green, sparkling like emeralds. The leather catsuit she wore was unzipped halfway partially, revealing the tops of a very nicely rounded pair of breasts. They didn’t seem to be terribly large, but on her fairly petite frame, they were more than proportionate. A whip was coiled and hung from her hips. She was adorable, if perhaps a little too young for him.

She also had been holding a full cup of some fruity alcoholic concoction, most of which was now splattered all over his costume from where they collided.

“Watch it!” she said, indignantly, looking right into his sternum. Her gaze traveled up over his well-defined chest until she was looking up at his mask. “Oh… uhm…” she continued, obviously embarrassed at both her outburst and at having spilled her drink all over him. “I’m sorry…”

“No worries, kitten,” he said. “I’m fine. The costume will wash. Shall I get you another one?”

She looked at the empty and dented plastic cup in her hand. “No. No, I really don’t need this. It won’t help.” She was practically screaming to be heard over the music.

“Here, follow me,” he said, taking her by the hand and leading her to a set of couches that were on the outside edges of the dance. He noted how easily she went with him, and he guessed there was a submissive streak in her, despite the fact that the costume she wore had been inspired by the outfits of professional dominatrixes.

When they found the couches, he left her for a minute, then returned with two cups of water. “So, why are you so upset?” he asked as he sat across from her, handing her one of the two cups. She looked at it warily, clearly aware of the potential risk of drinking something a stranger handed her at a party before she decided to throw caution to the wind and sipped the cool liquid.

“The guy I came here with? The one who I spent hundreds of dollars buying a costume to coordinate with his? He’s over there dancing with some blonde slut with big boobs.”

She pointed across the dance floor, and sure enough, there was a guy dressed as the famous vigilante, dancing with a cute little blonde number dressed in pigtails with clown makeup. She was in her early twenties, and the two of them were sharing their dance area with his roommate.

He chuckled.

“They’re also dancing with my roommate,” he said. She was obviously furious with the guy, and he guessed that she had really been planning to sleep with the guy this weekend. Her costume wasn’t cheaply made, so she had been willing to invest quite a bit to impress this dude. “I suppose the three of them make quite a set. Hero, villain, and villain’s girlfriend.”

She grimaced. “That is such an unhealthy relationship. I don’t get why girls think those two make a good couples costume.”

“Oh, you’re a fan?” he asked.

The two of them began to talk, sharing their favorite moments in comics, films and television. The conversation flowed naturally and easily, to the point where neither noticed that they had never bothered to share their names. She was clearly much younger than he, but he found her engaging and charming and well-read. They were oblivious to the dance going on around them, and before they knew it, the lights were being turned up to tell the partiers to get out. Both of them looked around and noticed that their respective friends had left without them – most likely somewhere with the blonde in red and black.

“Would you like to continue this discussion back at my room? I’m in a hotel connected to the convention,” he offered.

She chuckled, uncomfortably. “You just want to get me back to your room so you can take advantage of me. Big strong supervillain holding the vigilante anti-hero at his mercy.”

She said that nervously, but he thought he could detect a note of longing in her voice. She was more than ten years his junior. His divorce wasn’t finalized. And if her convention badge could be believed, she lived on the opposite side of the country. There were a million reasons why bringing her back to his room was a mistake. But he decided to go for it anyways.

“Would it be such a bad thing if I did, kitten?”

She bit her lip nervously as she considered her options.

“Take me,” she said, finally.

* * *

They didn’t speak as they made their way the few blocks through the city back to his hotel. The convention had filled the hotel lobby with people in costume and playing board games, so no one paid them a second look as they came in, still in full costume. She stood demurely and quietly beside him as he led her to the elevators and by the time the elevator arrived at the 14th floor, they were the only two left. She followed him down the hall to his room. When they arrived at the entrance, he turned and faced her, placing his second copy of the room key in her hand.

“If you’re going to come into my room, it has to be your choice. Because once we’re inside, what I say goes. Do you understand?”

She nodded assent.

“I still don’t even know your real name,” he said as he let himself into the room. He turned back to see her standing in the hallway.

“I’m your kitty. You’re my poison. Do we need to know anything more about each other?” she said as the door closed with a click.

He stood just inside the threshold to the hotel room, waiting for the impossibly long time as he waited for her to make her choice. It might have been as few as five seconds between when the door closed and when the green light on the lock flashed, indicating that she was inserting the room key, but it felt like hours. As she tentatively began to push the door open, he grabbed the edge, flinging the door wide.

Before she could say anything he had his hands under her arms, lifting her up, spinning her around, taking several steps into the room, letting the door swing closed under its own power, as he pinned her to a wall and they exchanged their first kiss.

She wrapped her slender legs around him, not quite able to fully encircle him as he had one hand on her ass, using it to hold her up and support her as she was pinned against the wall. His other hand was on the black latex of her cowl, pulling her mouth to him. Her hands grabbed his biceps, the claws of the leather gloves digging into his muscles, not quite able to draw blood.

As their tongues dueled, with hers retreating to allow him to explore the shape of her mouth, he released her head. His hand came between them and found the zipper of her catsuit, pulling the zipper down exposing the full curves of her tits. She wore a lacy black shelf bra that pushed her cleavage high, and once the leather was pulled back, left her nipples on full display. A silver stud went through the nipple of her right breast, and her small, pebble-like nipples were hard and erect with longing.

“He would have been very lucky,” he said his hand came up to cup her right boob. His thumb ran across the nipple, toying with the jewelry. “He’s a fool to have turned away from you. But I am happy to claim what should have been his.”

“Yesssss,” she moaned as he fondled her. “Claim me. Own me. Make me yours.”

He turned them away from the wall, easily holding her up with one hand. Before she could fully react, he tossed her onto the king-sized bed that dominated the room. She landed hard, prone and lying flat on the bed, breasts bouncing from the impact, wind slightly knocked from her lungs. Then he was on her, knees pressing her thighs apart as he held himself just above her on his elbows, one hand back on her zipper, peeling it all the way down her stomach, past her waist until the top of her lacy panties could be seen. He kissed her again, his other hand reaching up to take the edge of her latex cowl to pull it from her head.

“No,” she asked, one of her delicate hands gripping his wrist. “Leave the masks on.”

He grinned a predatory grin.

“You wish to be taken by the villain, and not by me?”

“Tonight? Yes. Oh, yes.”

“As you wish, kitten.”

With that, he grabbed the opening of the catsuit near her collarbone and he pulled roughly, yanking it halfway down her arms, exposing her torso fully to his gaze. He kissed her again as he pulled, rearing back on his knees and bringing her into a sitting position as he worked the leather suit down her body. His mouth moved from hers to her neck, and he kissed and bit at her as he stripped the catsuit off of her, leaving her in only her bra and panties.

“Now, my little cat, if you want to make me happy – and you do want to make happy – strip me,” he ordered her as he lay down on the bed.

She was a vision of innocence and debauchery in one, somewhat demure despite the lingerie that had clearly been chosen to create lust and desire. Her bra did nothing to hide her full breasts, the nipples fully on display, and the high-cut lace thong did more to enhance her cunt than it did to conceal it. No hair showed under the lace, so she either had a very well-trimmed landing strip, or she was completely bare underneath.

On her knees she slid down the bed, first unlacing the heavy boots he wore. She slipped them off, then gently peeled his socks down his feet. She turned away completely, so that she was facing the foot of the bed, and as she bent over, he could see the full lips of her pussy peeking out from behind the lacy strip. Her folds glistened and gleamed with her arousal, and he put one hand on the cheek of her ass possessively as she bared his feet.

She looked back over her shoulder, eyes gleaming mischievously as she wiggled her ass back at him. The raven black hair from under her cowl flipped wildly as she turned her attention back to him. She sat back on her knees as she ran her hands up his legs, feeling the muscles beneath through the spandex. Her fingers stroked the growing hardness of his manhood as she worked to undo the complicated belt that was as much prop as it was an article of clothing. His outfit was a one-piece singlet, but the belt had to go before she could peel it down him.

Her hands kept straying from working the buckles and snaps of the belt as she got distracted feeling his manhood. He was big, perhaps not bigger than the basketball player she had hooked up with during college, but still more than enough to satisfy her. She couldn’t wait to expose him, to feel the girth of his shaft, the weight of his balls. Her mouth watered as she considered the possibilities.

“Stay focused, kitten.” His voice brought her back to reality, and she hurriedly finished removing the belt before spinning back to face him.

Her fingers slipped under the black spandex shoulder straps, and she began to peel it down him, loving the play of muscles she could see in his pecs, his abs. His waist tapered in, although she was briefly disappointed that his cock was covered by a pair of tight silvery briefs. But she continued to peel the second skin of the spandex costume down him, fingers massaging the taught muscles of his thighs as she went, and then he was just like her, wearing only underwear and a mask.

Then his hands were back under her arms, pulling her onto him so that she straddled him. She could feel his hardness through their underclothing, her slickness allowing her panties to easily slide back and forth across her sensitive lips as he ground himself against her.

His hands went to her hips, guiding her as she moved above him, their bodies pressed tight together, both longing to feel the naked flesh that was covered by the thin pieces of fabric. He brought his head up to her right breast, taking her nipple between his teeth, biting gently, with his tongue playing with the jewelry embedded within. She grabbed the back of his head, pulling him into her by the spandex as she moaned with pleasure and pressed her pussy against him.

“Take me. Now,” she breathed.

“With pleasure,” he responded, gently pushing her back as he sat up, reversing their position so that her head was flat on the mattress by the foot of the bed as he positioned himself above her, between her legs.

He took her wrists in one massive hand, pushing them above her head and pinning her to the bed as he reached between them to rub her pussy through the black lace of her panties. She was soaking through, and he pushed the thin strip of fabric to the side to feel her bare lips. She was hot, and wet, and his finger slipped past the inner lips of her pussy. Her heat was intense, and the muscles within seemed to pulse and almost pull him in. He slowly fucked her with one finger, marveling at her tightness.

“No, don’t tease me. Please. Just fuck me,” she begged.

“I don’t… do you have condoms?”

“No… but I know you’re clean. I’m clean. And on the pill. And I need you. Now.”

He shimmied out of his underwear, baring his cock. He was hard and ready, his foreskin pulled back, revealing the swollen glands that was ready to penetrate her. The thin hair of her pubes tickled the head of his cock as he rubbed himself against her, slickening his shaft before he penetrated her. She whined in frustration and tried to raise her hips to impale herself on him, but he had her too firmly pinned to do so.

He pushed, and her lips parted to allow him entry, engulfing the first two inches of his cock. She was like a wet, velvet vise, gripping his shaft as it slowly pushed deeper into her. She moaned, a low, deep, soft sound as she was penetrated but his throbbing manhood. She felt herself stretching to accommodate him, not quite painfully so, but a delicious ache that left her feeling completely full. And then he was completely embedded within, their pubic hair meshing together, and his heavy, full balls resting against the curve of her ass.

“You’re mine now,” he said, and then brought his face to hers, nipping gently at her lower lip.

“Yes, absolutely. I’m at your mercy.”

“Too bad I have none,” he said as he swiftly withdrew most of his cock, and then slammed back into her in one fierce thrust that made her shudder. She was almost ready to beg him to do that again when he preempted her request by repeating the motion again… and again… and again.

He fucked her hard, and long, with deep, powerful thrusts, pinning her to the bed, and leaving her completely helpless. And she didn’t want to be anywhere else. Her moans came so quickly and intensely that they stopped being separate moans, and more became one single long exaltation of pleasure as he drove into her, pushing her through one orgasm, then another and another.

He stopped, leaving her panting and wanting more, and withdrew from between her thighs. Seizing her, he pulled her to her feet and then shoved her over, so she was bent over the bed. As she tried to adjust to what he was doing, he had retrieved the whip from her costume, and brought it around to her hands, wrapping her wrists in the leather behind her back. She was a vision of loveliness and submission, bent over at the waist, chest against the bed, hands bound, pussy wet and glistening and open and ready.

Then he was behind her again, pushing into her once more, hands gripping her hips as he fucked violently fucked her. He was hard and ready to burst – it had been months since he had last lain with his soon-to-be ex-wife, and he was primed and ready to explode.

“Do you like this, kitten? Being taken? Being owned?”

“Yes.. oh, god, yes….” She moaned, his words almost as exciting to her as the powerful cock that was piercing her from behind.

“You like the feeling of me inside you. Making you mine?”

“Yesssssss….”

“Tell me what you want… what you need.”

“Fill me. Own me. Take me. Fill my pussy with your cock, with your cum. Make all of it yours. Use me. Fuck me. Just fucking take me!”

Her words were enough to push him over the edge, and his fingers dug into the curve of her hip as he buried himself in her, his cock twitching as it sent spurts of his cum deep into her wet and ready womb, triggering another orgasm of hers as she felt him empty himself in her.

He collapsed forward, pinning her to the bed, and they both tried to catch their breath as the moment began to pass.

He withdrew, and lay back down on the bed, pulling her to lay beside him, her head resting on his chest, one of her legs thrown over him. He unbound her wrists, and she cuddled into him, their masks still on.

She brought one hand up to the edge of his mask, fingers toying with the seam.

“Can we take these off?” she asked in a voice that was high-pitched, childlike, and vulnerable.

“Of course,” he answered gently.

Reaching back, he peeled the spandex off his head. His hair was short, dark brown, and despite being matted down under the spandex, she could still make out the gentle curls that were there. His face was handsome enough, deeply lined, with sorrowful bags under his eyes, and now that she could see his eyes, they were a deep brown.

For her part, when the latex cowl with attached wig was removed, he could see that her hair was very short and dyed red. Although her cowl had let her eyes shine through, unmasked she looked even younger than he had thought she was originally. He didn’t doubt that she was the age she had told him, but she seemed so much more innocent and youthful with the mask gone – a look that was only somewhat marred by the well-fucked look in her eyes.

“Hi,” he said.

“Hi,” she responded, looking back at him.

“I guess now we should exchange names?”

They both laughed, as they cuddled together. They had been intimate enough that something as mundane as the exchanging of names seemed extraneous, and they drifted off to sleep curled into one another.

About the Author

Broken Unicorn has been a writer since he was a child, starting off writing decidedly non-erotic stories about superheroes. As he got older, he started writing erotica about superheroes, before eventually discovering his kinky side and writing about people who could live in the real world. He lives in the midwest, and is happy to live in a very full house that includes four humans and two dogs. He can be found under the profile Broken_Unicorn https://fetlife.com/users/8765084

POLY DILEMMAS

By 4 Comments

Brian Vox-http://www.voxart9.com/

One of the most appealing aspects of our lifestyle is often polyamory. Having two – or even more — subs or slaves can be very hot. That being said, by all accounts, these arrangements are usually the shortest lived of BDSM unions – especially for those who want a live-in and permanent relationship. As I am a male Dominant who has had a few live-in triads with two female subs, I think I have some experience in these types of relationships. (There is a companion piece, “Polyamory,” right here on this site: https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/polyamory/ )

Earlier this year, at a discussion at L.A.’s legendary dungeon, the Lair deSade, I was asked the following question:   

“I’m a female who joined a triad with a male Dom and his female sub. She dropped out and now I am his only sub. I really like this new situation. But he says he is going to find another sub. I am petrified and don’t want to be in a triad again. But I love him. What should I do?”

Obviously, this is not like the case of a “one-sub Dom” who, at a later date, decides he wants a second slave. There does not seem to be any overt dishonesty on his part; you knew he was poly from day one. Furthermore, by joining the triad, you agreed to it; he has every right to re-establish a triad should he so desire. However, before you get all bent out of shape at the prospect of your Dom adding another slave, you must first ascertain whether he is dead-set on adding a second submissive again. Saying he is going to find another sub and actually finding one can be two different things.

People’s tastes change. For example, as I had stated, I have pursued poly a number of times. None of these relationships have worked out long term; besides, they required an inordinate amount of effort to maintain. As a result, poly does not currently top my list of priorities. Similarly, this might also be your Dom’s experience with your now-defunct triad. Although he says he is going to find another sub, you should find out to what lengths he will be looking. Here is where the C-word – communication — comes in. Ask him how committed he is to the poly lifestyle. There is every possibility his experience mirrors mine; he might be open to having a one-sub relationship. Don’t assume the worst. You know what they say about assuming. So communicate, don’t assumicate! (I am not sure how good or bad that one is.)

If, however, he is firmly committed to replacing the last sub, you must do a lot of self-evaluation. In this case, you can safely conclude that you will, more than likely, never be his sole slave. Keeping this in mind, can you accept this fact? Will it make you terminally unhappy? Can you adjust? You should look back on your poly days and honestly examine those aspects of it that you liked and those you disliked. Unless it was like cleaning the Aegean Stables, there were surely aspects of poly that you enjoyed. Figure out under what circumstances you would accept another triad with your Dom. Could it be a particular type of sister-sub is acceptable? Could it be that you want an alpha-beta arrangement? Or, maybe, a few days a month, play type arrangement? Keeping all these factors in mind, it is time to go back to the old overused C-word again. Talk to your Dom. Explain your concerns, your likes, your dislikes, your needs. Any Dom contemplating a triad would appreciate this input; after all, poly is tough enough without having to guess what works best for one of the two subs.

On the other hand, if poly is totally distasteful to you and he is dead-set on having a triad, then you might not be able to salvage the situation. Love or no love, this could be just an untenable situation for you. There are times when “irreconcilable differences” are truly irreconcilable. This could be one of them; you must face this truth head on. Sad to say, I cannot always offer a solution to every problem.

Personally, I would say try to look at the good things about poly (and there are many; I speak from experience) and try to “steer” your Dom (without overtly topping from the bottom) into picking a partner that you can live with. If this is not acceptable to you, then you just might have to ask for your release and look for a “one-sub Dom.”

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.