Journaling While Under Consideration

***under consideration is an optional step/stage in the power exchange dynamic process. It can involve petitions, contracts, consideration collars, etc. It is essentially the step before being officially entering into a power exchange relationship. But again it is not needed to enter into a power exchange dynamic.

Journaling is often heavily used in power exchange dynamics as a tool for the submissive to learn, grow, and express themselves.

Sometimes, I think it is important to go back to the basics.

When I was taken under consideration by Master, his main requirement was journaling.  I was to answer the same question, every day, and see how my viewpoints evolved over time.  His question: What is one kinky thought I had today?

My first few entries were sexual.  While I was aware that BDSM and sex are not mutually exclusive, the word kinky led me towards it.  Slowly, over the span of a few weeks, you can start to see less mention of sex and more mention of my internal struggles.

So, I thought I would share with you a few snippets from my “under consideration” journal.  I have never let anyone other than Master read these.  They are deeply personal, and my stomach sits heavy with anxiety as I type these up. I am starting with just a few from the very beginning for this go around.

These have not been edited or transformed in any way.  They are simply transcribed so I could share with you my thoughts from then to now.

Day 3

Today was slightly different.  I spent a good majority of time contemplating what qualifies.as kink.  To me, kink is both sexual and lifestyle driven.  It seems to reflect an acceptance of my choices, my likes and dislikes, my thoughts, my goals, and all associated knowledge gathering for the BDSM part of my life.  So, when I think about my kinky thoughts, I drift towards a goal.  I would like to learn about the Leather lifestyle, and I would like to live it.  I would like to be mentored by you in regards to it.  I spent a while after work looking up information and compiling questions.  I expect that part of the journey is the search for knowledge and self-reflection, but I would appreciate a guiding hand.

I’ve thought about our previous conversations in regards to living by guidelines; by a code of conduct.  I am unsure what the virtues Leather outlines so I’ve decided to list what I find important and compare it later on.

Patience– Is it always important to remember that anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Honor– There is nothing more important than knowing that someone’s promise, their word, is a binding contract that will be supported and defended.  It is also essential that whatever virtues and personal laws that guide someone are worth defending.

Respect– You should be an individual who carries themselves in such a way as to not only deserve respect but be willing to give it as well.

Even Tempered– You should never be feared by those you trust, never act in a moment of high emotion, be able to assess a situation with detachment, and be known as someone who is clear headed and fair.

Trust– While I believe trust is gained, and can be lost, one must be willing to cherish the trust placed in their hands and be able to be willing to take someone into confidence, if earned.

**I know there are more virtues I consider important, but I am currently drawing a blank.  Therefore, I will leave it as is and revisit this thought process later on.

Day 13

Today, I got to ask the question of the day on KIK.   I asked, “when negotiations are required, are they more in depth with a short term or long-term partner?”

To me, negotiation is the foundation of the progression of a relationship.  My negotiations are all based on long-term relationships and goals. 

In the group, J relayed her thoughts on negotiations.  She viewed every decision as a negotiation.  For example, if a Dom says no, then a sub lists the reasons they disagree with the answer, and then a final decision is made is a negotiation.  I was surprised how much I disagree with that.  In a D/s situation, my negotiation for every day decisions would be the consent to being a submissive and consent to service as such.  The rest is filler.  Regarding play, I can see a need for extra negotiation, but not in everyday situations.

I wonder if I am wrong.  I wonder if my view is too narrow.  It somewhat confuses me.

I also wonder if I am just strange.  When I negotiated with Sir, I had one rule.  As long as I, or our wives, had not verbally stated something was not allowed, then Sir has the right to try it.  I call it “blanket consent.”  To me, if I cannot trust someone enough to allow such consent, then I should not submit to them.

Is that wrong?

Day 17 

I struggle with submission.  I recognize the “big” moments that require me to listen and obey.  But, those “little” everyday moments are hard to let go.  I struggled over a ridiculous order and you asked me to write about it.

My mom and Graa came out to visit, as a surprise.  Because of this, we went to visit.  As we were getting ready, I realized I only had my tennis shoes.  I started looking for a pair of socks.  After a couple of minutes, you told me to wear your sandals.  I told you, “no, its fine.”  You stated otherwise.  When you said “three” and started the countdown, I paused, I stopped searching, and I tensed.  “Two.”  No movement, no words, no obeying.  “Now.”  I moved, almost reluctantly.  However, I listened.

It feels natural to submit to you.  However, I have a very hard time letting go of control.  I am in control at work, and I am in control at home.  I hold the weight of the world by choice.

However, when I am ordered by my Dom, outside of play, I struggle with the mindset switch.  Sometimes, it is the inability to let go.  Sometimes, it is a challenge.  Sometimes, it is a lack of recognition that it is an order.  Sometimes, it is a push to see if you are serious.

All the time, though, it is a moment that quiets my mind.  It is an attempt to center myself.  I trust you fully, and with each successfully obeyed order, I’m starting to trust myself.

Day 37

You put me in the corner (of all things) today.  I deserved it.  Honestly, had the child not been there, I would have deserved the belt for mouthing off and calling you a woman.  I knew as soon as I said it, I was in trouble.  I find it hard to look you in the eye when I’ve misbehaved.  I’m worried I will see disappointment.  That’s something I severely dislike seeing directed at me.

When I was in the corner, you asked me one question.  “Am I ready to behave?”  You told me you wanted a yes or no answer, and as soon as I gave my answer, I could leave the corner.

It took three questions and physical contact on my neck before I could bring myself to answer you.  You told me my answer didn’t matter.  As long as I answered, I could have left the corner.  You asked me if it was so hard to answer the questions.  The answer was Yes, Sir.  It really was that hard.

I don’t believe in doing anything half-assed.  If I couldn’t answer you with an honest, fully meant yes or no, then I would not answer.

I expected a few swats or the belt.  So, when you put my in the corner, my first thought was disbelief.  My second was wanting to deck you.  I wanted to turn around and wipe the smirk off your face.  That is why I rested my forehead to the wall and closed my eyes.  I took a full, deep breath for clarity.  This is when the fight for control begins.  It is a small mantra of wanting to challenge your rights as Dom.  At the same time, I have a strong feeling of need.  I know that I need discipline.  In all the fight, I never debated leaving the corner.  Even when I turned, I did not leave the spot you left me in.

I wanted to push you.  I wanted to push and push and push until You stared at me in disbelief and reacted.  But, I knew that I did not actually want to upset you nor did I really want to be in control.

I use breathing to center myself when I cannot kneel or curl up and cuddle.  I use slow breaths to answer the hardest questions that I have.  I used it to remind myself that I asked for you to be firm.  I used it to weigh the heaviness of my words if I had asked if “this was all you had.”  I used it to measure my needs and wants.  As soon as I take that first, steadying breath, I know that I will submit.  Because I want to.  Because I need to.

So, the longer I stood there in silence, with my eyes closed and my breathing slow, the more the fight morphed into giving you an honest answer.

Could I behave?  Yes, I could.  I just needed to waid through all the white noise first.

I have always been open that I fought Master tooth and nail after he took me under consideration.  He saw something in me that even I didn’t.  He took steps, such as requiring me to journal, to help me learn about myself.

I am not proud of fight I have given him.  Yet, I know it was necessary.  It took me six months to kneel for him.  It took another three for me to refer to him as Sir verbally.  It took over a year for me to crawl for him. 

Throughout it all, he was patient with my struggles and firm with my punishment.  He was calm when I would work myself into a panicked state and damn near all knowing when he gave me topics to explore.

He knows me better than I know myself.

Because of him, I can read back through that first year, and see where I was.  I can read of my confusion, my distaste with myself, my joy, my triumph, and my growth.

I can watch myself change and learn.

Now, I use these writings as a guide so I can help other new submissives.  I stand strong in the belief that you never have to be subservient from the beginning.  You never have to change who you are.  You never have to face the journey alone.

You just have to be honest.

With your Dom, always.

But, most importantly, with yourself.

My name is Joji.  I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42.  I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling.  I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay.  I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning.  I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan.  I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education).  It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement.  We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.