collar

Timing Within BDSM Relationships

September 9, 2021 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

sexy tatted vixen with collar — via stock.adobe.com

Over the years, we here at kink weekly have covered collars extensively. Our two part series, “The Collar” ( https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-one/ and https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/the-collar-part-two/ ) examine both the history and the current state of collaring. It is safe to say that collaring has changed over the years. But the following question reflects more than just change; it asks about a whole new way of collaring. The question, please:

Reader: I know my Dom for a month and he wants to collar me. But, he wants it to be permanent and have it welded closed. Is it too soon for such a commitment? As a female, I am always wary about being rushed into things. Is this a red flag or am I just being overly cautious?

I like the idea of a collar that is welded shut. (Of course, this takes expertise and should be done by a professional skilled in the welding art. If your Dom wants to do it himself, and his hands shake, run!) My own view – and this is my personal opinion only – is that there are too many ‘Velcro’ collars given out hastily, with little regard to their meaning. This brings us to the main part of your question – the significance of the collar to both of you and the timing of giving such a collar.

Before I begin to opine on your question, let me offer a disclaimer. “In the rare case a permanent collar causes a four-hour erection, see your doctor.” Oops, wrong disclaimer! (Or, maybe not. It just might be that a welded collar gives your Dom a four-hour erection. After all, collars are hot and, in his eyes, a welded collar might be super hot!) The real disclaimer involves the inconsistency of timing and/or values between people.

One month might appear quick to one person, while to another it might look like an eternity. One person might think of the significance of a collar one way, another views it in a totally different way. With regard to timing and significance, there is both good news and bad news in the answer to your question.The good news is that both of you are on the same page with respect to the meaning of the collar. He looks at it in a “until the welder do us part” way. And, you do too. Otherwise, you would not be willing to consider such a collar.

I believe that both the “collar-er” and the “collar-ee” should have similar views on its significance to make a D/s relationship work. A Velcro Dom should collar a Velcro sub. A Dominant who looks at the collar like a marriage should collar a submissive with similar views. In your case, the collar is equally meaningful both of you. Great!

Now, the bad news — although, not so bad. It is in the timing of this collar where you have a disconnect. Your Dom thinks one month is enough time to permanently collar you; you are not as sure. If BDSM traditions and common sense can be used as guideline, I agree with you. With rare exceptions, thirty days would appear to be too fast for such an all-encompassing commitment.

M/s and D/s requires a lot from both partners. Thus, many in the lifestyle, including me, believe a “courtship” period is necessary. Vanilla, shmanilla. This has worked in every lifestyle for hundreds of years. And, we have the perfect system for doing this – the “collar of consideration.” What an engagement ring is to marriage, the “collar of consideration” is to Master/slave. And, three to six months is the perfect range for this type of collar. If it works out, bring on the welder! You should respectfully ask your Dom what he thinks of a “collar of consideration.”

Find out his views. Let him know you look forward to a welded collar, but you want to get it right. He might be more understanding than you would assume. Never assume, ask. After all, he doesn’t want this collar to come off. And, the best way to assure this result is to not only weld it shut, but to also communicate effectively. Unless there is some unexplained circumstance, I don’t see the rush to collar you. If you assume your relationship will last years – which is the kind of permanence a welded collar implies – then what is the difference in waiting a few more months? After all, you really don’t want to call the welder twice!

Nevertheless, I find the idea of the welded collar extremely hot.

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Journaling While Under Consideration

September 5, 2020 By Joji Sada 4 Comments

***under consideration is an optional step/stage in the power exchange dynamic process. It can involve petitions, contracts, consideration collars, etc. It is essentially the step before being officially entering into a power exchange relationship. But again it is not needed to enter into a power exchange dynamic.

Journaling is often heavily used in power exchange dynamics as a tool for the submissive to learn, grow, and express themselves.

Sometimes, I think it is important to go back to the basics.

When I was taken under consideration by Master, his main requirement was journaling. I was to answer the same question, every day, and see how my viewpoints evolved over time. His question: What is one kinky thought I had today?

My first few entries were sexual. While I was aware that BDSM and sex are not mutually exclusive, the word kinky led me towards it. Slowly, over the span of a few weeks, you can start to see less mention of sex and more mention of my internal struggles.

So, I thought I would share with you a few snippets from my “under consideration” journal. I have never let anyone other than Master read these. They are deeply personal, and my stomach sits heavy with anxiety as I type these up. I am starting with just a few from the very beginning for this go around.

These have not been edited or transformed in any way. They are simply transcribed so I could share with you my thoughts from then to now.

Day 3

Today was slightly different. I spent a good majority of time contemplating what qualifies.as kink. To me, kink is both sexual and lifestyle driven. It seems to reflect an acceptance of my choices, my likes and dislikes, my thoughts, my goals, and all associated knowledge gathering for the BDSM part of my life. So, when I think about my kinky thoughts, I drift towards a goal. I would like to learn about the Leather lifestyle, and I would like to live it. I would like to be mentored by you in regards to it. I spent a while after work looking up information and compiling questions. I expect that part of the journey is the search for knowledge and self-reflection, but I would appreciate a guiding hand.

I’ve thought about our previous conversations in regards to living by guidelines; by a code of conduct. I am unsure what the virtues Leather outlines so I’ve decided to list what I find important and compare it later on.

Patience– Is it always important to remember that anything worth having is worth waiting for.

Honor– There is nothing more important than knowing that someone’s promise, their word, is a binding contract that will be supported and defended. It is also essential that whatever virtues and personal laws that guide someone are worth defending.

Respect– You should be an individual who carries themselves in such a way as to not only deserve respect but be willing to give it as well.

Even Tempered– You should never be feared by those you trust, never act in a moment of high emotion, be able to assess a situation with detachment, and be known as someone who is clear headed and fair.

Trust– While I believe trust is gained, and can be lost, one must be willing to cherish the trust placed in their hands and be able to be willing to take someone into confidence, if earned.

**I know there are more virtues I consider important, but I am currently drawing a blank. Therefore, I will leave it as is and revisit this thought process later on.

Day 13

Today, I got to ask the question of the day on KIK. I asked, “when negotiations are required, are they more in depth with a short term or long-term partner?”

To me, negotiation is the foundation of the progression of a relationship. My negotiations are all based on long-term relationships and goals.

In the group, J relayed her thoughts on negotiations. She viewed every decision as a negotiation. For example, if a Dom says no, then a sub lists the reasons they disagree with the answer, and then a final decision is made is a negotiation. I was surprised how much I disagree with that. In a D/s situation, my negotiation for every day decisions would be the consent to being a submissive and consent to service as such. The rest is filler. Regarding play, I can see a need for extra negotiation, but not in everyday situations.

I wonder if I am wrong. I wonder if my view is too narrow. It somewhat confuses me.

I also wonder if I am just strange. When I negotiated with Sir, I had one rule. As long as I, or our wives, had not verbally stated something was not allowed, then Sir has the right to try it. I call it “blanket consent.” To me, if I cannot trust someone enough to allow such consent, then I should not submit to them.

Is that wrong?

Day 17

I struggle with submission. I recognize the “big” moments that require me to listen and obey. But, those “little” everyday moments are hard to let go. I struggled over a ridiculous order and you asked me to write about it.

My mom and Graa came out to visit, as a surprise. Because of this, we went to visit. As we were getting ready, I realized I only had my tennis shoes. I started looking for a pair of socks. After a couple of minutes, you told me to wear your sandals. I told you, “no, its fine.” You stated otherwise. When you said “three” and started the countdown, I paused, I stopped searching, and I tensed. “Two.” No movement, no words, no obeying. “Now.” I moved, almost reluctantly. However, I listened.

It feels natural to submit to you. However, I have a very hard time letting go of control. I am in control at work, and I am in control at home. I hold the weight of the world by choice.

However, when I am ordered by my Dom, outside of play, I struggle with the mindset switch. Sometimes, it is the inability to let go. Sometimes, it is a challenge. Sometimes, it is a lack of recognition that it is an order. Sometimes, it is a push to see if you are serious.

All the time, though, it is a moment that quiets my mind. It is an attempt to center myself. I trust you fully, and with each successfully obeyed order, I’m starting to trust myself.

Day 37

You put me in the corner (of all things) today. I deserved it. Honestly, had the child not been there, I would have deserved the belt for mouthing off and calling you a woman. I knew as soon as I said it, I was in trouble. I find it hard to look you in the eye when I’ve misbehaved. I’m worried I will see disappointment. That’s something I severely dislike seeing directed at me.

When I was in the corner, you asked me one question. “Am I ready to behave?” You told me you wanted a yes or no answer, and as soon as I gave my answer, I could leave the corner.

It took three questions and physical contact on my neck before I could bring myself to answer you. You told me my answer didn’t matter. As long as I answered, I could have left the corner. You asked me if it was so hard to answer the questions. The answer was Yes, Sir. It really was that hard.

I don’t believe in doing anything half-assed. If I couldn’t answer you with an honest, fully meant yes or no, then I would not answer.

I expected a few swats or the belt. So, when you put my in the corner, my first thought was disbelief. My second was wanting to deck you. I wanted to turn around and wipe the smirk off your face. That is why I rested my forehead to the wall and closed my eyes. I took a full, deep breath for clarity. This is when the fight for control begins. It is a small mantra of wanting to challenge your rights as Dom. At the same time, I have a strong feeling of need. I know that I need discipline. In all the fight, I never debated leaving the corner. Even when I turned, I did not leave the spot you left me in.

I wanted to push you. I wanted to push and push and push until You stared at me in disbelief and reacted. But, I knew that I did not actually want to upset you nor did I really want to be in control.

I use breathing to center myself when I cannot kneel or curl up and cuddle. I use slow breaths to answer the hardest questions that I have. I used it to remind myself that I asked for you to be firm. I used it to weigh the heaviness of my words if I had asked if “this was all you had.” I used it to measure my needs and wants. As soon as I take that first, steadying breath, I know that I will submit. Because I want to. Because I need to.

So, the longer I stood there in silence, with my eyes closed and my breathing slow, the more the fight morphed into giving you an honest answer.

Could I behave? Yes, I could. I just needed to waid through all the white noise first.

I have always been open that I fought Master tooth and nail after he took me under consideration. He saw something in me that even I didn’t. He took steps, such as requiring me to journal, to help me learn about myself.

I am not proud of fight I have given him. Yet, I know it was necessary. It took me six months to kneel for him. It took another three for me to refer to him as Sir verbally. It took over a year for me to crawl for him.

Throughout it all, he was patient with my struggles and firm with my punishment. He was calm when I would work myself into a panicked state and damn near all knowing when he gave me topics to explore.

He knows me better than I know myself.

Because of him, I can read back through that first year, and see where I was. I can read of my confusion, my distaste with myself, my joy, my triumph, and my growth.

I can watch myself change and learn.

Now, I use these writings as a guide so I can help other new submissives. I stand strong in the belief that you never have to be subservient from the beginning. You never have to change who you are. You never have to face the journey alone.

You just have to be honest.

With your Dom, always.

But, most importantly, with yourself.

My name is Joji. I am 29 years old currently and I have been in and around the kink community about 15 years.I am a collared submissive to Magick42. I am also a Daddy to a wonderful babygirl, and have been for more than three years now and I find it very fulfilling. I am being mentored in and being taught electroplay. I am a masochist at heart and thoroughly love impact play, especially caning. I enjoy reading anything I can get my hands on and am a die hard Harry Potter and Doctor Who fan. I am also the secretary for a group in Idaho called Moscow S.P.A.R.K.E (Simply Providing Another Route to Kink Education). It is our mission to teach safe practices to those new to the community and give them a safe haven to ask questions and learn without judgement. We accept all kinks and all we ask in return is respect between all our members.

Can two switches collar each other?

August 8, 2020 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

hot male submissive in collar — via stock.adobe.com

In my search for entertaining and unique questions, I have run across many that are ridiculous. But rarely have I encountered a question that initially hit me as joke material, but then, on closer examination, had some very serious elements buried within. The following question is cut from this mold. So, laugh and learn!

Reader: Can two switches collar each other? How would this process work with power exchange? After ten years together, my partner and I would like to make our commitment outwardly clear, but we’re unsure as to the steps for our specific combination. We’re new to the BDSM community, and so any advice you can give us will be greatly appreciated.

First of all, after you are finished laughing at two people collaring each other, let’s make a distinction between a play collar and a commitment collar.

In a play collar situation, the answer is pretty obvious. All you have to do is negotiate who is the Top and who is the bottom for the scene, and the Top puts the play collar on the bottom and the scene proceeds. Unless you want to switch in the middle of the scene – or at five-minute intervals – this will work out just fine. It is when you are considering a real (for want of a better term) collar – one that implies a D/s relationship – where a little more thought is required.

The key thing to remember is that, in this case, collaring means commitment.Of course, since collaring evolved out of the term “slave collar,” it does have D/s implications in it. But, to me, the commitment aspects seem far more critical than any Dominant/submissive facets of it. As all of our BDSM rituals are not strictly codified, and are loosely based on an oral tradition that dates back to the Old Guard Leather Societies, there are no hard and fast rules for collaring. Thus, I see no valid reason why the two of you cannot be collared to one another.

BDSM is a constantly evolving lifestyle. The question is how best to go about it.As I see it – and this is new territory for me — you should figure out a way to preserve the “slave collar” tradition and adapt it to your personal situation. And here is my suggestion. Try to figure out which of you is the more dominant partner. Surely, as switches, you do not switch exactly fifty percent of the time. (Possible, but unlikely.) In your life, there must be a hierarchy that gives one or the other a bit more dominance or a bit more submission. Or, you might want to see which of you is more dominant or submissive in play.

After ten year together, you should have a feel for the dynamics, no matter how subtle the distinction might be.Using either criterion, the more dominant partner can offer the more submissive one the collar. This keeps it within the basic D/s framework. And if you are contemplating a ceremony with lifestyle friends, they will be more concerned with the commitment part of the ceremony than the personal Dom/sub components of your relationship on a day-to-day basis.You might also find that having a contract — although in your case it would not be a typical “slave contract” — might add a bit of clarity to the breadth and scope of your BDSM relationship.

I am a big advocate of contracts; a contract would be a useful adjunct to your collaring. Besides, the negotiations involved with contracts can be incredibly enlightening.In general, my personal problem with collars is with the Velcro aspects of them, not the nuts and bolts of who is collaring whom. I see far too many collars that are shorter lived than a Hollywood marriage. I could care less if a collared couple does not maintain a D/s dynamic that is consistent.

Let them switch, let them have vanilla days. My concern is that the collar truly means commitment. And in your case, as a ten-year couple, it seems that you have the commitment thing down.So go out and have a great ceremony. There is nothing more beautiful than to see a collaring ceremony witnessed by lifestyle friends. Especially when you know that it is a truly meaningful collar.And in your case, it sure seems like this collar will be on your — or your partner’s — neck for a long time.

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Collars: Another Perspective

May 22, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Collars. In our DomConLA presentation, “Old Guard vs. New Guard,” we all agreed that, with the fashionistas’ adoption of the collar as a style, the meaning of the BDSM collar has been diluted. Or has it?

Maybe it has lost its meaning to the outside world – wearing a slave collar will not shock the world anymore — yet the most important aspect of the collar still remains. And that is, “What does the collar mean to a given individual?” Herein lies the BDSM riddle of the Sphinx – an unsolvable question since the collar has different meanings to so many people. This can lead to total confusion. So, in the words of Tony Soprano, “let’s unconfuse you.”

From the Dom/me’s point of view, there is little unanimity in the collar’s significance. There are Doms who give out collars like they are M&Ms. (S&Ms?). On the other extreme, there are those Doms who treat collaring as to be of such transcendent magnitude that they might give out very few in the course of a lifetime. There are those who wait one minute to collar, those who wait one month and those who wait one year. There are some who collar one submissive, while others want multiple subs and collar many. I personally think one should take a cautious tact and treat collaring seriously. But, this is just my opinion. There is no standard for a collar.

I have interviewed many submissives – and the results are just as varied as for the Dom/mes. Some subs will accept a collar rather easily; the first Dom to claim them runs off with the prize. There are others who treat being collared much like getting married and will not accept a collar until a long “BDSM courtship” has been consummated. I have seen both ways succeed and fail. Besides, defining “success” and “failure” in a BDSM union is a tough call. Is three years in a Master/slave relationship a failure or a success? Personally, I would call it a success. Others, rightly so, would term it a failure. Which leads us back to my earlier promise of “unconfusing you.”

I have seen many people hurt when their view of collaring is not on the same page as their partner’s. The most typical problem scenario is the submissive who thinks of collaring as a deep, marriage-like, commitment, who is collared by a Dom/me who thinks of it as being like a club pickup. Or, vice-versa. Both are prescriptions for disaster.
Ultimately, the question must be, “What does a collar signify for you?” This seemingly insignificant query might be the most important you can ask. After all, we can’t standardize the collar’s meaning – no matter how many articles I and my kinkweekly.com colleagues write. Rather than tilt against windmills and try to create a “universal collar protocol,” we should advise people to seek out people with similar views on collaring. Use this as one of your major criteria – rather than overlook it as most people do. Deeply probe the other person’s feeling regarding his/her views on the subject. A submissive who thinks collaring is similar to marriage should seek out a Dom/me who treats it with the same degree of commitment. A Dom/me who takes collaring lightly should seek out a submissive who sees it in a comparable way.
Ultimately, there is no way to predict whether a D/s relationship will work or not. In my current BDSM relationship, my Millennial, New Guard submissive has no innate grasp of what a collar signifies. Thus, I have maintained her as a non-collared submissive and it has worked out for years. In the end, not expecting her to deeply understand what the significance of a collar means to me is one of the great strengths of our relationship. It would be an act, as I see it, of Dom-phoniness to give her a collar which means nothing to her.

Ultimately, if and when you do give or accept a collar, it should have a similar significance to both partners. If you can at least get this aspect right, it will give your union solidity, for as long as it does last.

A Kink Engagement Ring

June 6, 2016 By anniebear 4 Comments

The Eternity collar straight form the packaging.

You might have caught my two part, true telling of my surprise birthday party in the erotica section a few weeks ago. While the entire party was wonderful with all of my friends in attendance, the huge surprises around every corner, and also Sprinkles cupcakes (!), by far the best and biggest surprise of all was my partner Dexx presenting me with a collar of consideration. If you’re not familiar with what some consider the protocol and process on the path to collaring, our contributor Baadmaster wrote an excellent series of articles on the subject with more details. But, receiving my consideration collar was the greatest gift Dexx could have ever given me. It’s a slim, silver, brush metal design with a screw in lock. I barely even notice it anymore as it has quickly become a part of me. Not only does the collar honor me, it also shows the world that I have an owner. It is my “kinky engagement ring” if you will.

A happy anniebear in her Eternity collar!

The maker of my collar is Eternity Collars. I find this specific collar company special because for them a collar is akin to an engagement ring. Should Dexx and I be in a vanilla relationship, this collar is equivalent to any rock on my finger. Sharing a 24/7 collar is a momentous occasion and it can be difficult to find just the right piece to work with your lifestyle. It needs to be subtle enough as to be worn at work or around family members. It needs to be durable as to stand the test of time, to be worn in the shower, pool, or ocean as well as during scenes in play. It also needs to be stylish and versatile for the fashionista in me! I have a scrawny little bird neck. Most collars are enormous on me and flop around. Eternity offers custom sizing to accommodate anyone. I personally feel if you’re giving a collar to someone to wear around their neck, 24/7, for potentially the rest of their lives, it might be a good idea to at least get a measurement.

I wear my collar with pride and honor. I often receive compliments and people ask where I got it from. I was recently at a dungeon and someone asked if it was Eternity. They said a prior Dominant of theirs had gifted them with a pair of cuffs from the same maker and that she too had loved them. It’s definitely a universal sign of thought and devotion as much as any engagement ring.

So what does a collar mean to you? Do you prefer something else besides a collar or maybe you opt for a tattoo? Let us know in the comments!

Collaring Part Two: The Ceremony

April 18, 2016 By Jenn Masri 3 Comments

Last week’s issue I wrote about collars and collaring. Types of collars, materials and representations. Once a couple has journeyed down the path of collaring with the end result of the Official Collar, many consider holding a Collaring Ceremony. If you think of the ceremony as being parallel with the vanilla wedding ceremony you can see that it should hold a high level of respect.

A Collaring Ceremony is as unique as the couple involved.

For the purposes of this article I will be writing under the assumption of people using a more traditional collar that goes around the neck. There are other ways that people “collar” their s-type and feel free to substitute those in your mind as you read this if you prefer. For those that don’t know other ways to collar, it could be a tattoo, a branding, another type of jewelry, etc.

Just like a wedding can be a quick trip to the courthouse, add a few signatures and you’re done – a collaring ceremony can also be casual and simple. Keep in mind there is no legality involved with a collaring, therefore, you don’t need a judge or witnesses. It can be as simple as giving a gift. The D-type presenting the collar to their s-type and putting it on them. Done. Simple.

On the other end of the spectrum it can be as elaborate as the wedding that includes a full orchestra and dove release!
The ceremony can be more traditional which may include guidelines for attire, D and s-type attendants, the progression of the ceremony, as well as what’s included. Even though an officiant isn’t required – you may still have someone in that type of position to help guide the ceremony. There can be formal vows, a Ceremony of Roses, submissive/slave trials, etc.
The ceremony of roses is a more old school, traditional part of the ceremony which includes a partially open white and fully opened red rose – the red rose from the D-type and the white rose from the s-type. Each person’s finger is pricked by the thorns and drops of blood are allowed to fall upon the white rose. This represents the bond between the two. There may also be a chain involved that is wrapped around the wrists of both parties. Some people go the extra step of suturing themselves together along, say, the forearm.

Some ceremonies will include trials for the s-type to prove their submission and dedication. This can include going through a series of impact via hand, whip, or other implements. The trials may be administered by the D-type of others who have been chosen to do so. I have also seen the trial consist of the D-type asking the s-type to prove their submission by undergoing one of their harder limits.

The couple may do this privately, with only a few witnesses, or 200 guests – it’s all up to them!
So as you can see, a formal collaring is something not to be taken lightly. It is our equivalent to getting married in the vanilla world. However, the ceremony can be as little or as elaborate as you wish. Bottom line is that it should have special meaning to those involved and something they can remember as a special day.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Collars and Collaring: Part One

April 11, 2016 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

Owned slave or latest Hot Topic fashion? Hard to tell these days.

Let’s start with the basics. What can a collar be made out of? The answer is, just about anything. Steel, leather and rope are probably the most popular. However, keep in mind a “collar” isn’t necessarily something that must be worn around the neck. It may be a bracelet, ring, piercing, tattoo, etc. Basically anything that represents the relationship dynamic. Keep in mind also that a single s-type may wear a collar just to indicate that they are an s-type.

This brings us to what kind of collars you may wear or see others wear. There are pet collars that are usually used for those in a pet/trainer or owner dynamic or for those that normally identify in different roles but have a pet collar for when they specifically do pet play.

There is a play collar which is typically worn by the s-type in a scene with a play partner if their dynamic doesn’t go any farther than play. A play collar can also be used when the relationship is new and people are still in the get-to-know-you stage. They maybe don’t have an established dynamic but are enjoying play together or perhaps use it at events to show that they are in some kind of a relationship.

A type of collar that you don’t see as often, but is possible, is the collar of protection. When a D-type has committed to protecting an s-type in the community, the s-type may wear something that indicates that you need to go thru another individual (the D-type protecting them) before pursuing the s-type.

Now for the collars that begin to take a D/s relationship to the next level.

The Consideration Collar has traditionally been the step taken after the initial get-to-know-ya stage. The people involved have spent a little time together and have gotten to the point that they have decided to make more of a commitment. Think of this as going from dating casually to becoming a committed couple if you think of it in vanilla terms. The D-type is “considering” the s-type and the s-type is “under consideration” of the D-type. Now, keep in mind either person can leave the relationship at any time, so really they are both “considering” each other. However, the traditional way of thinking helps to maintain the D/s aspect. This time period is typically used for the couple to get to know each other further, go through negotiations for play and for the relationship, as well as continue to evaluate if this is the right person for them.

After this period is traditionally when the Training Collar is given. This would be somewhat parallel to getting engaged in vanilla terms. This is a big step and indicates that this relationship is getting very serious. During this stage the s-type is usually pretty aware of the expectations of the D-type, however, during this time the protocol and expectations may be strengthened or taken to a higher level. This is a good time for both parties to make sure this is something they want long term.

The final collar is the Official Collar, or Formal Collar, or Slave Collar. This can be equated with a vanilla marriage (the wedding ring). This represents a long term commitment for both parties in their D/s dynamic. It could be a D/s relationship or M/s relationship – that depends on the people involved. Many people will hold a collaring ceremony to bestow the official collar in front of their loved ones. The ceremony is the vanilla equivalent of a wedding and can range from very casual to quite elaborate.

These days I see more and more people bestowing collars more casually. It’s one thing if they are simply play collars, however, in my opinion any collar more than that should really be considered with a serious look at commitment, trust, and mutual respect with a partner that you have gotten to know for a decent amount of time.

The Collar: Part Two

February 8, 2016 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

Our first article covered both the history and the current traditions with respect to collaring.

This article is meant primarily for newbie submissives who have yet to be collared. (As a newbie, you should also read “Predator Dommes” here on Kink Weekly.) Once warned about the pitfalls of being a submissive in the cold, cruel world out there, this article is meant to help you find a legitimate lifestyle Dominant to partner up with and be collared by.

After interviewing a number of subs for this article, I have selected what I feel are the six most instructive comments. Although I offer my interpretation of their ideas, the basis of this piece comes from the submissives themselves. After all, the best way to understand submission – and Dominance too — is to listen to submissives!

“When you are unowned and uncollared, you are a free agent. And, until you select a Master or Dom/me, you can make any decisions you feel are in your own best interest.” Many newbies assume that they must please any Dominant who shows interest in them from the jump. While you might feel submissive to a given Dom/me, until you are collared you are under no obligation to act in a submissive manner. If you want to play, fine. But you are under no obligation to be submissive in any manner contrary to how you feel at that point in time. A wise Dominant will not expect instant submission – unless the submissive is struck by “the thunderbolt” and voluntarily offers it. This leads to the next quote, which is…

“I am a submissive, just not your submissive…yet.” Until you decide to submit, even tentatively, to a Dominant, you are not his/her submissive. Yes, a Dominant might ask for you to address him/her as Sir or Ma’am. You can do this out of respect, if you wish. I personally see no harm in this, especially if you feel there is some potential. But this does not imply that you are his/her submissive. And if the Dominant bullies you, and pushes you past your comfort zone, make your feelings clear. This is not “topping from the bottom.” After all, you are not yet collared!

“No one will drum you out of the lifestyle for making decisions that affect your own life. If you piss off some prospective Dominants, they are probably not worth considering anyway.” If you find that a prospective Dom/me is annoyed by your independent ways, then he/she does not respect the fact that you are still uncollared. Until that day comes – and it can come quickly or over a long period of time – then you should not worry what he/she thinks about your right to make your own decisions. Obviously, once you are collared, pleasing the Dominant becomes an important aspect of your relationship. But until then, you are the captain of your ship. And that includes accepting – or rejecting – any potential Dominant.

“Many submissives are ruined by inexperienced Masters/Mistresses into whose hands they put their psyches.” Being owned or collared can be very intense. Thus, one should truly know and trust, the person you are submitting to. I do, however, disagree with the quote; it is not only inexpert Dom/mes who can cause psychic harm. Knowledgeable Doms can hurt a sub; newbie Doms can be awesome. I think it is more about the person than the experience level. No matter what, you should know the Dom/me in a deep way before you put your psyche into his or her hands.

“Don’t be afraid to use vanilla criteria.” Funny, this piece of advice came from my own slave! What she meant is that certain vanilla criteria – such as sense of humor, style, commonality of interest – can be just as important as play criteria. Ideally, you want both – lifestyle and vanilla. The world, though, is rarely ideal. Still, you want a Dom/me that you actually like – and enjoy spending time with. And not just BDSM time!

“Follow your heart.” At least three submissives said something similar to this. What they meant, it seems, is that you must go at the pace you wish, obey only those you want to obey and — until you are owned – go with your gut instincts. If you feel, deep inside, that the Dominant you meet is “the one,” go for it. But, if your heart says “maybe,” go slow. And if your heart says “no,” don’t be bullied into serving a Dominant just because he/she is Dominant!

Finding a Dominant can be a daunting task – as is finding a slave! But, I think these six observations can be helpful in your quest.

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Collar: Part One

February 1, 2016 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

Part I of this article is an overview of the traditional collaring practices in the BDSM lifestyle.

Part II will be addressed to newbie subs who are uncollared.

Part III will be BaadMaster’s “Seven Levels of Collaring” – a unique and modern take on how to integrate old guard traditions with new era needs.

PART I – THE COLLAR

One of the most enduring traditions in the world of BDSM is that of the “formal — or slave — collar.” It is the spiritual descendent of the old Roman slave collar, the one that was welded shut around the slave’s neck. (I am Spartacus!) Although there were many variations on this theme over the years, collaring one’s slave was codified by the legendary Old Guard Leather Societies years ago. The Old Guard custom (rapidly disappearing in our short attention span world) called for a series of three distinct collars, all of different materials – the “Collar of Consideration,” the “Training Collar” and, ultimately, the “Slave Collar.”

The Old Guard Leather Societies treated the last of these collars – the “formal or slave collar” — as similar in both spirit and commitment to a vanilla marriage. (As this predated gay marriages, and the Leathermen were primarily gay, it fulfilled a very practical need in this community.) And although it lacked the enforcement of law, “collared couples” were respected in the leather community in the same way as married couples were respected in the vanilla world.

One of the big criticisms of “Fifty Shades” (there I go again!) is that, in the movie, Christian proposed a slave contract and did not even mention collaring. Surely, at the very least, a “collar of consideration” would have been proposed simultaneously to the slave contract. Kink Weekly is here to correct this oversight. Obviously, in our fast paced world, most couples skip the first two stages and proceed to the formal slave collar. (Honestly, I did too!) But for historical correctness, let’s discuss the three stages of collaring as set down by the Leather Societies. (If Kink Weekly doesn’t honor traditions, who will?)

The first collar in this series is called the ‘Collar of Consideration’ which is given at the start of a potential relationship. Although usually made of leather, it is like an engagement ring — if at any time the relationship is unsatisfactory to either side, the collar is returned to the Dominant with no further obligations on either party’s part.
The ‘Training Collar’ is the second stage. Again, this collar will be one that the Dominant chooses; it is usually made of base metal and is a bit more elegant than the consideration collar. It represents a “graduation” of sorts; with the presentation of the Training Collar, the Dominant will move into areas of training and discipline which are much more demanding, severe and strict.

If this second stage works out, then it is time for the actual collaring with the ‘Slave Collar.’ This is the actual collar – it is this stage that is generally assumed when someone says they are “collared.” This represents true commitment between the Dominant and his submissive. In the tradition of the old guard, this collar is to be treated with the same respect that marriage is treated in the vanilla world. Indeed, it is rather common to have simultaneous collaring and wedding ceremonies.

Of the three collars, typically the slave collar is made of gold or silver and can be quite beautiful. The design can be unique to satisfy the Dominant’s taste; most times – as it usually worn 24/7 – it can be locked or even welded for permanence. With the recent popularity of BDSM, the variety of collars is impressive and the ideal collar is relatively easy to find – especially those that can pass in the vanilla world. (Note: the collar should always be purchased by the Dominant and always remains His/Her’s property. It is returned to the Dominant at the end of the relationship – no matter when the relationship ends.)

As it is the analogue of the vanilla marriage, this collaring is often done at a party/celebration, in front of invited guests, with vows exchanged or a slave contract signed. Depending on the nature of the relationship, there can be permanent markings done — such as tattoos, piercings, brandings, cuttings etc. The markings can be done in a scene – and if the couple happens to enjoy public scening, this is an awesome sight to behold. Other traditions can come into play here – the presentation of a gift made by the submissive (typically a flogger) to the Dominant is one European ritual that comes to mind.

Make no mistake about it, this old guard, traditional collaring ceremony is intended – unless otherwise negotiated – to signify a lifelong partnership. If you are invited to one, think of it as you would a wedding. Arrive with an attitude of wanting to have fun but keep a proper respect and decorum.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

collar

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