baadmaster

Many of you have attended fetish events both large and small; usually the Latex-clad Dommes stand out. Truth be told, whenever I attend fetish parties and see those Dommes in their mind-blowing latex outfits, I start to wish I were a sub! That is how hot these Dommes can be – and much of their appeal is due to the latex they wear. It hugs their bodies like a second skin, it is shiny and binding – and I feel no guilt about ogling them!

This week’s question concerns liquid latex.  Duh! And here it is:

I just got back from AVN.  Although this year’s edition seemed to lack the energy of previous versions, there were more than enough Dommes to tantalyze.  Many of them were in latex. Baadmaster, can you give us a primer on latex? I find it hot! 

The esthetics of latex are not dissimilar to rubber or even PVC – although latex, for a myriad of reasons, has become the fetish fashion of choice. Besides the fact that it outshines leather, is thinner than rubber and classier than PVC, the main reason, as I see it, that latex is in a class of its own is because of the introduction of liquid latex. Liquid latex is a self-drying latex product that paints directly onto the skin or over clothing. It dries in about five to ten minutes. It can be painted on garments to make latex clothing! Take your favorite suit and, voila, you have a latex suit! Your sexiest bra can be transformed into a latex bra. You can make masks, gloves and just about anything you can conceive of. Liquid latex adds a whole new dimension to “fetish dressing” – because everyone’s a designer. (Sounds like a song, “Everyone’s a designer.”)

Since you don’t own any latex clothing, I suggest you just use liquid latex over some outfits and make your own latex wardrobe for the party. It is foolproof. And, it is a lot less expensive, and time consuming, than buying latex clothes from the fetish stores. A quart of liquid latex costs about twenty bucks and goes a long way. You can pick up a gallon for about sixty dollars and have enough latex for a bunch of parties. (To give you an idea of how much you will need, a quart will cover a full body, head-to-toe, with three coats)

Of course, if you want to throw caution to the wind and make a big splash at the club, paint it directly on your skin. Test a section of skin beforehand for any allergic reactions. (If the skin becomes red, swollen and/or irritated, gently remove the latex, wash up and just paint over your clothing!) But, if all systems are go, then paint it on with a foam paintbrush or foam roller (don’t use a bristle brush or cotton roller) and let it dry. Of course, with either clothing or your skin, one coat won’t suffice. You must usually apply three coats for complete coverage. 

The beauty of liquid latex is that virtually anything you do with it will be unique. You are not buying latex garb “off the rack.” Although liquid latex will shrink about 3-4% as it dries, it always fits – albeit a bit snuggly, which is perfect. That is the great thing about it – you don’t have to try on a gazillion latex items to find one that fits tight, but not too tight. Liquid latex does that every time, automatically!

In my humble opinion the best way for you to go is with liquid latex. It is economical. It gives you the ability to be your own designer. If you use it on your skin, you don’t have to clean it after use — you just throw it away. It is a one-use product. But the best reason of all to go with liquid latex is because it fits. And, it fits perfectly every time – guaranteed!

I would, however, do your latex adventure ASAP.  As with all fashion trends, they are soon yesterdays fad.  

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Of all the questions I get here and in person, the most perplexing ones concern the lines between Dom/me and sub. With the (welcomed) influx of a new gereration of players, the old hard-and-fast rules no longer apply – unless you want them to! The following question illustrates this dilemma perfectlyu – so let’s go.

Reader: I met my fiancé online. We’re both switches, but right now I’m more comfortable as his slave. I want to control him, but I hold back for fear that I’ll cross the line between Mistress and plain old controlling bitch. I also fear I’ll go too far when punishing him. How can I break through this wall so we can take our play to that next level?

Whew!  Here’s my advice — if you’re gonna switch, switch!  Now, what do I mean by that? In most non-switching D/s couples, the Top is always the Top, the bottom is always the bottom.  You and your fiancé, on the other hand, are rather lucky. There are really no constraints on your play. Both of you can Top and/or bottom; thus, you have an enormous assortment of scenarios you can try out in your BDSM play.  Twice the variety can be twice the fun. If you and your fiancé are not into D/s ‘outside the dungeon,’ as I call it, there is really nothing to worry about. If this is the case with you, then the phrase ‘controlling bitch’ is irrelevant.  Controlling a scene is not being a bitch. When you Top, be as controlling as you like; other than negotiated play limits, simply go for it. Have a blast. As I said, if you’re gonna switch, switch! And don’t give it a second thought.

My feeling is that you should worry about being a “controlling bitch” only if you have a D/s relationship outside the dungeon.  Most switches who have such a D/s relationship tend to be either Dom/Domme or submissive – each partner takes one role. Any other way would be rather chaotic.  Are you Domme on Monday, Wednesday and Friday and submissive the other days of the week? Alternate weeks? Months with the letter “r” in them? (Then you could Domme him with oysters!) What if both want to be Dominant at the same time?  How do you decide? Roll the dice? Scrabble? Poker? Even those who do switch outside the bedroom, however, tend to have a predominant role orientation and then agree to switch for an allotted period of time. For example, they switch for a week every three months or so.  Nevertheless, most 24/7 D/s switch couples have a set hierarchy of some kind; if this is your case, you might want to check the word “bitch” at the door.  

As a Domme, you must understand the dynamics of a D/s relationship.  It is not only about punishment. It is not only about control. It is about maintaining a balance between reward and punishment, between control and understanding.  You can be a brutal Domme when you scene and not be a ‘controlling bitch’; but if you are a punishment-mad tyrant outside the dungeon, that title just might fit you.

The trick to keeping the “b” word (bitch) out and the “c” word (control) in lies in communication.  You must understand your submissive’s needs and your own. Since you are in control, you must understand how to make him serve you and also get pleasure in serving you.  To properly control and train a submissive, there must be both reward and punishment. Being in control does not mean being a despot. A good Mistress approaches her craft with a sense of balance and knows what techniques bring out the best in her submissive.  A good Domme can be severe and demanding without being a bitch.

What many people forget is that both partners in a D/s couple should get pleasure from their role – the submissive from serving, the Dominant from training the submissive to serve and controlling a lot of the action.  After all, we are all in this for pleasure and fun. So, if the phrase “controlling bitch” is how your submissive would describe you as his Domme, you are probably doing it wrong. (Unless he gets off on you being a controlling bitch!) 

Switching, like anything else, has both its difficulties and its rewards.  But if you can keep the “b” word out of the relationship part, you can take the play part to incredible levels.  And then, when you switch, you can really switch!  

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

As 2020 begins, I would like to wish all of the kinkweekly.com family – from the staff to our readers and followers — a Happy New Year and trust that 2020 will be your best year ever.

Even though we now look at 2019 in the rear view mirror, tradition demands that I offer some resolutions for 2020 – and no clickbait! Besides, even if these are technically a few days late, they are great ideas to keep your BDSM life fresh.

These are just suggestions; obviously, you should pick those that you think would work for you. Or, you could use them as a jumping-off point for some unique resolutions of your own.

Well, here goes!

1. Resolve to try a new BDSM scene regularly.
2. Resolve to buy a new BDSM toy once a month.
3. If you are a Dom/me, resolve to make your slave write a diary – whether regularly or only for a scene.
4. If you are a Dom/me, resolve to learn a new BDSM technique every other month.
5. If you are a submissive, resolve to learn how to better communicate with your Dominant. 
6. Resolve to make regular playtime in spite of work and other demands on your life.
7. Resolve to read your slave contract regularly if you have one.
8. If you do not have a slave contract, resolve to make one.
9. If you are the Dom/me, resolve to push your sub’s limits from time-to-time.
10. If you are the Dom/me, resolve to listen to your submissive better.
11.  Resolve to go to a BDSM play party at a local dungeon.
12.  If you are the Dominant, resolve to ask your submissive to list his/her favorite BDSM activities and try to incorporate them into your play.   (This is one long resolution!)
13.  If you are the Dom/me, resolve to be a better one.
14.  If you are the sub, resolve to be a better sub.
15.  Resolve to listen to your partner more effectively.
16.  Resolve to discuss what you liked and what you did not like about your BDSM relationship in the last year. No punishment, no protocol – just honest discussion.
17.  If you are a Dom/me, resolve to examine any bad decisions you made last year objectively
18.  Resolve not to repeat mistakes. (A good one!)
19.  Resolve to eliminate one habit your partner hates – such as smoking.
20.  Resolve to keep at least one of your resolutions!
21.  Resolve to read at least one book about BDSM.   (With Amazon, this is too easy!
22.  Resolve to discuss D/s deeply with a fellow lifstyler.
23.  Resolve to raise the spiritual level of your D/s relationship.

hese new resolutions are more about the dynamics of D/s than about play. You can use them or adapt them as you see fit. But, to grow your D/s relationship you should address all aspects of BDSM – from the nuts and bolts of play to the more esoteric and spiritual aspects of D/s. The more you understand about D/s, the better your relationships will be.

One of my BDSM resolutions will be #1: “I resolve to read more books about BDSM.”

However you approach it, I think that just resolving to be more sensitive to the D/s aspects of your life will make for a great year.

Of all the questions submitted to me, the most popular ones are in the long distance category. Likely this is because in the Internet age, most people in every category meet online. The following problem is one I hadn’t seen before, so here goes:

Reader: I’m debating traveling to visit a guy I met online, but I’m terminally afraid of rejection. Though I’ve kept nothing from him about myself, and we have FaceTimed, I’m still worried he won’t like me in person. Should I go? 

First of all, connecting with another person — online, offline, vanilla, BDSM, Mormon, Joe Millionaire, Russian mail-order bride — is always a roll of the dice.  I don’t think the odds of a successful long-distance match are any worse than happily hooking up with someone you flirted with at a bank. Even if you are a reject-o-phobe, the odds are actually stacked in your favor when meeting on the Internet.  Let me explain.

When you meet online you have much more control over the situation than by meeting any other way.  This is especially true in BDSM. Here, the Net can give you the measure of predictability you are looking for – after all, you want to “predict” whether he will like you or not.  To do this, all you have to do is use the technology wisely.

It is easy to talk about everything online; you can ask any question imaginable.  “Are you into fisting?” asked at a bar, might get you slapped. Ask that same question here, you might get a date!  So don’t be afraid to discuss just about anything; find out as much about him as you possibly can. Is he interested in just BDSM play or is he looking for a 24/7 D/s relationship — or something in between?  If it is 24/7, for example, make sure one of you is open to relocation. Otherwise you might get rejected simply because he discovers, once you get there, that this relationship is unworkable; the relocation dilemma is one I have covered before and is a very common dealbreaker. This should be addressed early on. 

You should both discuss your play preferences IN DETAIL so there are no misunderstandings.  If you hate pain and he is a sadist, I would bet the “r word” (rejection) is going rear its ugly head.  The more you know about him playwise, the less chance you will take the right flight to meet the wrong guy.  

Mutually decide if you are going to scene or not.  Don’t get on a plane if both of you are not in agreement on this point.  If you both want to play, negotiate the scene, set up the safe words and agree on the limits before you go.  Be very clear in what the scene is and is not. You don’t want to travel a long distance based on a major misconception.  (I thought you said, ‘I like everything but the cane,’ not ‘I like everything but the pain.’) The clearer your agreement is, and the less vague your expectations are, the easier it will be to avoid those embarrassing long pauses that happen when unexpected bad stuff is hurled at you.

In addition to all these BDSM considerations, there are some others that universally apply to all long distance meetings.  Speak to him on the phone before you book your flight. (What if he sounds like Bugs Bunny!”) Arrange all your safe words and safety calls.  Leave all his information (name, address, etc.) with a friend. If he is a Dom (you are unclear), don’t let him make unreasonable demands – like no safe words — at such an early stage in your relationship.  Red flag. Your safety is more important than whether or not he rejects you! If there are no red flags, and you take all the precautions, go for it!  

Most of all, don’t turn your trip into an all-or-nothing proposition.  Leave room for fun even if he doesn’t turn out to be the man of your dreams.  Or vice-versa. If you have some fun things planned – the negotiated BDSM scene, a nice dinner, etc. – you can have a great time even if it isn’t love at first spank.  

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Reader: I’m a new Domme, and I just met an experienced submissive that I like. How do I proceed so I don’t make mistakes, look like an “idiot,” and lose his respect?

If there were a “Grand Dominant Council,” this body would have as its motto, “Honesty isn’t everything, it is the only thing.”  (And being honest, they would credit Vince Lombardi for this paraphrased credo!) So, the best way for you to proceed is with absolute honesty. Or as close to absolute as you can humanly get.  You will find that honesty works like a magic “anti-idiot” protective shield.  

In no uncertain terms, you must tell your potential submissive exactly how new you are to the lifestyle.  The worst thing you can do is to claim experience that you don’t have. He/she will figure it out pretty quickly — and you will watch in dismay as your reputation gets trashed.  On the other hand, by being upfront about your “newbieness” (now there’s a word!), you will get the utmost respect from this submissive – regardless of the outcome of this disclosure!  Much of the Domme’s power in a D/s relationship comes from the respect the submissive has for his/her Dominant. And honesty is the most important component of respect. Keeping this in mind will help center you, and ward off any insecurities you might have about disclosing your lack of experience.

There are two possibilities that can happen when you declare that you are a newbie.  The first one is that he/she will simply decline to continue with you. Everyone has requirements that are non-negotiable in any relationship they enter into.  If this is the case, so be it. There is never any guaranty against rejection – and lying will only delay the inevitable rejection anyway. The second possibility is that he/she will be open to discussing how to proceed in a mutually beneficial way.  

If the submissive wishes to continue, it would be best to plan a scene together.  In this way, you can get an idea of where your lack of knowledge will be the least liability.  Here is where negotiations come into play. If you discuss activities that excite both of you and are also most workable for your “newbie/experienced” combo.  Try to steer the submissive into areas with a shallow learning curve or less dangerous ones. For example, hand spanking fits the bill here. Surely, there is little danger in a spanking scene.  Just agree on a safe word, and you can pretty much hand spank away!

If the sub has a craving for a bit more edgy play, you must be especially aware of your limits.  Don’t let bravado get in the way. If you don’t know how to use a cane, don’t say you do. Instead, go slow, be careful and be especially mindful of the sub’s safe word.  Never forget, everyone was a newbie once. 

Don’t be afraid to take suggestions from your submissive.  As an experienced submissive, he/she will know where to draw the line between giving you some pointers and topping from the bottom.  Another bonus of working with a veteran sub is that he/she will not be expecting you to be mistake free. Skilled subs understand that the myth of “Dominant infallibility” is just that – a myth.  This can be a great learning experience for both of you.  One of the great things about BDSM is that “the couple that grows together, bonds together.”  

If the two of you think about your being a newbie as an asset and not a liability, you can both share in your growth.  Besides, you said this submissive is “experienced;” you did not say, “know it all.” Surely, there are BDSM activities that are fresh to both of you and can learn them together.

Ideally, you can have the best of all possible worlds.  You can learn together, play together and grow together.  

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Reader: When punishing your slave, is it important to use a device that has never been used for pleasure? If not, how can that punishment be given without it being pleasurable?

This is a common delimma that both beginners and not-so-beginners face.  The best way to answer this question is to answer it with a question: What is the purpose of punishment?  If it is for training purposes, the object is to paint a vivid picture in the submissive’s mind that what he/she did was unacceptable and that this behavior should not be repeated.   The purpose is to emphatically make one big point – the Master’s disapproval of the slave’s actions. The actual implement used to make this point is relatively unimportant. The Master must forge an association in the submissive’s mind that his/her bad behavior will have unpleasant consequences if repeated  — the most unpleasant being the Master’s disapproval. (We are getting too serious here; so let’s have a fun digression for a moment.)

Digression.  In the popular vanilla stereotype of D/s, the leather clad, high-heeled, ultra-sexy Domme with cleavage says to the submissive, “You’ve been a bad boy, you are going to get a spanking.”  The “bad boy” wants the spanking; he has been just bad enough to give the Domme an excuse for some play. The object here is not to teach the “bad boy” a lesson. It is really to have fun!  Hey, I am all for fun, and this is a fun scene. So in this case, the “punishment” is really not punishment at all; it is not for training purposes. It is, as the questioner states, pleasurable.  Thus, the implement is irrelevant. End of digression.

There is one basic principle which guides all training.  “The effect of the punishment is correlated to the submissive’s need for approval from the Dominant.”  In a certain sense, this implies that only a submissive who wants to be trained can be trained.  The analogue here is to hypnosis. (I am a certified clinical hypnotherapist, licensed to practice in California.)  When in hypnosis, the subject will only do things he/she is willing to do. Thus, you cannot give a suggestion such as “don’t overeat” to an overweight person and expect that suggestion to work — unless that person really wants to lose weight.  Thus, the choice of implement has little effect if the slave really has no intention of being trained.  You might say it is not the selection of the right implement that makes for effective training; it is the selection of the right submissive.

In the BDSM world, the linkage of pain and pleasure makes it difficult to use pain for training.  As we have seen, the punishment of the so-called “bad boy” was not punishment at all. If we assume that the best way to train a slave is to make a point of the Master’s disapproval, then you might not have to use pain at all.  In fact, I have found that non-scening punishments can be more effective than pain.

If you find the thing the submissive hates most, then you have found the perfect punishment.  For example, if your slave abhors wearing a pacifier in public, isn’t this more effective that a flogging which can have pleasurable aspects to it.  Taking away things the submissive likes also works. Not letting a slave watch the HBO show “Game of Thrones” would be, in many cases, serious punishment! 

Thus the key in punishment is the fact that a) the submissive is feeling that the punishment is being administered because the Dominant disapproves of the sub’s behavior and b) the submissive truly needs the Dom’s approval and this act of disapproval is extremely upsetting.

If the submissive doesn’t care whether the Dom approves of his/her behavior, than the punishment becomes an empty exercise.  No matter how much pain is involved, or what implement is used, if the submissive says “so what?” — the punishment will not work.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Reader: About a year ago, I met the Dom of my dreams. He was so attentive and passionate, but he lived 3000 miles away! He couldn’t move because of his job, but I could. So after lots of anxiety over it, we decided I should relocate to where he lives. My D/s relationship with my Dom is fine, but I left my family and friends far away. I’m lonely and in a new place. What is the best way to handle my situation?

There is a great Steven Wright line, “You can’t have everything, where would you put it?” I am not being flip, but just about everything in life is a compromise. It can be a minor trade-off, such as when you buy the Wal-Mart brand instead of the famous one, or a major one, like yours in having to move away from your family to be with the “Dom of your dreams.”  

When dealing with major compromises, you have to realize you would not have made the sacrifice if you did not think the result would be worth it. Finding “the Dom of your dreams” is a major achievement. I know far too many submissives who have spent years futilely trying to find their perfect Dominant. It is much harder than finding a vanilla partner as the pool of available candidates is much smaller. I do not think you fully appreciate the monumental achievement that finding your perfect Master in this lifestyle truly is. It is what the great majority of submissives strive for; the “Holy Grail” you might say. You should keep this in mind and consider yourself extremely privileged in this regard.   

The key is to center yourself in the absolute correctness of your decision. It sounds like might be having second thoughts. If this is the case, second-guessing yourself can only have a deleterious effect on your relationship. And it is your relationship that you dropped all these other things for; it must be paramount.

What I suggest is that you treat the relationship portion of your life with 110% dedication. (It’s really 100% but the sports people perpetuate this concept!) Strive to make your Dom/sub relationship as rock solid as you possibly can. Because if it deteriorates, you have spent all this time and effort in moving thousands of miles for nothing. Your Dom and your bond with him must supersede all else. Don’t doubt yourself; don’t get down because there are certain inherent problems with being so far away from your family and friends. People move all the time. It might be stressful and even terrifying, but you are not alone. You have your Dom.

As to missing your family and friends, your Dom is your new family. He can be your guide, mentor, friend, and advisor. You should tell him about your feelings regarding the family and friends you left behind. Perhaps you can work on this together.

The beauty of family and friends is that they are family and friends no matter how far apart you are. If you are honest with them, as you should be, they can also be a source of strength. If you tell them that you are happy with your new boyfriend (if you need to speak vanilla to them), they will be glad for you. They will, more than likely, make an extra effort to talk on the phone, Skype, text or email you. There are many ways to keep in touch with them technologically. It is not as though you left to live in Antarctica without Internet service.

Keeping an open dialogue with your Dom, your family and your friends will ease the emotional and physical transition into your new surroundings. Don’t expect to assimilate such a shock instantaneously. You are being too hard on yourself. It takes time.

And, if you need a quick pick-me-up, just know that there are so many submissives looking for their “dream Dom” you could fill a hard drive. The fortunate ones will find that perfect match. And as long as you and your Dom can maintain a great relationship, which sounds likely based on your question, you are one of the lucky ones. Don’t ever forget that!

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

One of the things that amazed me about moving to Southern California was how seriously people took Halloween. That there were Halloween stores all over the place blew my mind; I had never seen anything like that before.  Thus, I was pleasantly surprised when my email bag produced this query:

Reader: With Halloween coming up, I’ve been thinking a lot about costumes. Do you feel that in order to be an effective Dom, you have to look the part? Do you prefer fetishwear over other clothes when you’re Domming?

As most of us live in the vanilla world, there is a certain vanilla-ness (what a word!) attached to our everyday way of dressing.  Clothes have an incredible amount of power. They can put you into a specific space. A cop’s uniform conveys dominance even when worn in a fetish context – like the faux “cops” on parade at San Francisco’s legendary Folsom Street Fair.  So the question of the role of clothes in a D/s relationship is one that bears asking. And you have!

I am in a live-in Master/slave relationship.  Obviously, I don’t need to dress up in fetish clothes to be in command of my live-in sub.  The D/s hierarchy should transcend clothing; if it did not, the relationship would crumble.  Imagine if I had to put my ‘Dom clothes’ on to give my slave a request. This would be total insanity, if it weren’t so funny. (Clark Kent does it when he wants to ‘Dom’ Lois Lane; but that must be an enormous pain in the ass!)

When Domming my slave in a BDSM scene, especially at a play party, I like the feeling of dressing the part.  I tend to wear a black shirt and black leather pants or black jeans. This has a twofold effect. First, when my submissive sees me dressed up that way, she knows I mean business.  I am not sure (although I have yet to try it) if she would quickly get into ‘the mood’ if I wore a white shirt, khakis and a pencil pocket protector – with pens! I believe she gets an adrenaline rush when I put my “scening” clothes on.  Of course, at this point in our relationship, this has become a conditioned response in her. Second, dressing up this way puts me in the mood.  My “scening clothes” remind me that I am getting into Dom mode.  It centers me; it is like instant meditation. Of course, this is only my opinion and the way I do it; this is a truly personal issue.  But I do believe that any device that gets you out of ‘vanilla space’ and enables you to get closer to a BDSM consciousness has great value.  It might not be essential; but it sure makes scening easier – and more fun.  

There is a second part to your question, “Do I have to look the part?” that I find especially intriguing.  In my opinion, you absolutely do not need to look a certain way to be an effective Dom, but it helps. I doubt that you can look like Pee Wee Herman (and even dress like him) and still be an effective Dom.  So, in my personal life, I strive to “look the part” as best as I can. Shaved head, black clothing, black leather shoes or boots is how I look most of the time – except for appointments I have in the vanilla world.  (Of course, the shaved head stays!) Right now, as I am writing this, I have on a black sleeveless shirt and black jeans – not my formal scening clothes, but Domly nevertheless. I think this is a subtle reminder to my slave that I am a Dom.  And a reminder to myself as well.  

In a 24/7 relationship, it is sometimes hard to maintain the hierarchy.  Looking and dressing the Dom part on a regular basis gives me a certain edge.  It helps maintain the D/s hierarchy in a natural and effortless way. And in any relationship, we need all the help we can get!

Notice I answered this question, since it said Dom and not Domme, from a male Dom’s point of view.  But in the world of the female Domme, dressing the part seems essential. Lately, with the expansion of the kink world, there are more and more Dommes of every description – and almost all of them dress the part and then some. I doubt if a Mistress can be effective ordering a slave to worship her if she dresses like a total slob. I think the corset industry is very dependent on the Fem Domme world.

So, in closing, the best pre-Halloween advice I can offer is, “Dress for excess!”

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

On first glance, this might seem a question that is way out of my field of expertise.  But on closer examination, it is actually in my wheelhouse. And with the current acceptance of gender fluidity, it might be an important question to attempt to answer.  Well, here goes:

Reader: I’m transgender and identify as a Domme, and have been contemplating hypnosis as a way of deepening my femininity. But can a Domme submit herself to the power of a hypnotist without becoming a sub? And would it deepen my femininity anyway? Locating and affording this service is also an issue. Please advise me!

As I am a certified clinical hypnotherapist, licensed to practice in California, let me first clear up some misconceptions about hypnosis before I get to your question.  Contrary to myth, hypnosis only works when the subject wants to do what the hypnotist suggests.  For example, at the beginning of a session, the hypnotherapist usually asks the subject to close his/her eyes, fold her hands and then stand on her head.  (This is called “pre-induction” for the students among you.) Typically, the subject complies with the first two requests but refuses to perform the third.  Why? Because the subject will only do things she really wants to do.  And she didn’t want to stand on her head.  The subject who quacks like a duck during a stage hypnotist’s show does so because he/she really wants the attention.  Ask that same person to rob a bank and he/she will snap out of hypnosis or simply refuse.  That’s why “quitting smoking with hypnosis” does not work for everyone. There are people who, for whatever reason, do not truly want to stop smoking.  For them, hypnosis is useless and will not work.

Let us extrapolate this information to answer one part of your question.  If you do not truly desire to be a submissive, you cannot be hypnotized into becoming one — any more than you can be hypnotized into becoming a bank robber.   So your worry about becoming a submissive is unfounded.   

The bigger problem you might encounter is that your Domme side might prevent you from being hypnotized.  Part of the process of hypnosis is giving mental control over to your hypnotist. If you always need to be in control, you could be in that significant percentage of people who simply cannot be hypnotized.  There are “suggestibility tests” that a skilled hypnotherapist will immediately perform on you that will determine how good a subject you will be – before you spend a lot of time or money on any sessions. Thus, if you cannot be hypnotized, you will know it pretty fast.  

Assuming that you are a good subject, a professional can contribute to deepening your femininity.  As we all have both masculine and feminine elements within us, hypnosis can help bring out a feminine side of you that might be buried in your mind.  In addition, since you are a transgender, your desire level to bring out your feminine side would appear very high.  

I have seen – in hypnosis stage shows – heterosexual men in hypnosis act incredibly feminine.  (The suggestion, “Act like Marilyn Monroe,” can produce amazing stage results!) If this can be brought out in straight men, imagine what might happen with someone who is a cross-dresser!  The results could be quite extraordinary. I personally am not familiar with using hypnosis for this purpose, but it would appear to have incredible potential.

The only down side is that you should not expect instant miracles from hypnosis.  It tends to work incrementally. A hypnotherapist cannot simply give a subject a suggestion to “become more feminine” and watch him become a goddess.  This is behavior modification we are talking about, which takes time and a skillful practitioner to accomplish.

The best way to find such a practitioner is to search for a member of the American Society of Clinical Hypnosis at their website, www.asch.net.  

As to cost, I caution against bargain-basement hypnotherapy.  Stick with members of the aforementioned society. Remember, it is your brain you are dealing with.  Last I looked, you only have one of them!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Occasionally questions are submitted to me that, although not a common problem, cannot be ignored. You might call them “break your heart” type queries. The following issue was very heartfelt, and was so very specific to the BDSM world, that I thought I might be of some help.  So here goes:

Reader: I’ve been without a Master for two years. I’d love to be back subbing, which made me happy for over 10 years, but I’m terrified of surrendering control again. My former Master of four years broke my trust, heart, and body. I spent several weeks in the hospital after he lost control. I’ve been to a few play parties since, but I just felt depressed and lonely. Please don’t mention therapists… They’re condescending and don’t understand this lifestyle. Do you think I can recover and be what I was before?

BDSM breakups, in general, are much more difficult than their vanilla counterparts. Because of the intense bonding and trust that is integral to any D/s relationship, the agony of dissolution is beyond words. (I tend to avoid the phrase “being released” because it implies that breaking up is a one-way street. It is not.) In your case, it is doubly painful because your ex-Dom not only broke your “heart, trust and body,” it appears he almost destroyed your BDSM soul.

Anyone in your situation would be hard-pressed to simply start over as though nothing had happened. Understanding this will give you the proper perspective for regaining your BDSM life. It will not be an easy task, but it can be done. As you have been to a few play parties, it is clear that you want to continue in the lifestyle. Desire is the key to overcoming adversity.

As I am not a psychologist, I will offer some practical strategies that will enable you to search for a new Dom while minimizing your emotional risk.  

Don’t be impatient.  Obviously, you will not find a Dominant quickly. Even newbie submissives find it difficult to find a Dom/me. Don’t be hard on yourself. You have taken your first steps by going to play parties and committing to rejoining the lifestyle. You are to be commended for that. Just give the process time.

Cultivate friends. You might need some lifestyle friends even more than you need a Dominant. Online friends, or real time friends that you find at play parties, socials or munches, can both be very helpful in guiding you back into a positive frame of mind. It is hard to go through an experience like yours alone. That’s what friends are for! 

Don’t force yourself. Don’t force yourself back into the lifestyle before you are ready. If you don’t feel like playing at a party, don’t. Voyeurism, socializing and looking for a prospective Dom are perfectly acceptable activities at any play party. The key is to do only what you feel comfortable doing. 

Be honest with any prospective Dom. This could be my most important suggestion. If you meet a Dom you are interested in, tell him, “I have just gotten out of a relationship and would like to go slow.” Don’t go into details about your situation. You might appear to carry too much baggage and scare him off. (We all carry baggage; it is the amount that is critical!) The key is to make sure he is willing to go slow with you. There will be plenty of time to talk about your issues after you get to know each other better.

Be cautious. Most Doms in the lifestyle are not abusers. But, in any community, there are some bad apples. Your psyche is so fragile that you cannot afford to date another Dom who “loses control,” as you put it. When you meet a Dominant, ask others about him. Check out his reputation. Generally, I don’t put too much stock in this process, as people tend to repeat rumors. But, in your case, you must be super vigilant. 

Safe calls. When you do decide to play, observe all the safety rules. I would play in public first. But, when you do play in private, arrange a safe call. You have been hurt once; you cannot risk being damaged again.

You can never completely eliminate the pain that your last Dom caused; but most of it should fade away in time. If you gradually ease yourself back into the scene, and follow some of my suggestions, you will have a great chance of re-emerging with a Dominant you can trust and, ultimately, love.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.