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Does Size Matter?

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evaMistress Eva-https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

Recently, at a BDSM discussion group, there was a Domme with a male submissive – on a chain — who was easily twice her size. Somehow, the conversation turned to this arrangement when the Domme acknowledged that, even in this diverse community, this relationship seemed unusual. The question of whether you must be able to physically dominate your sub became the question of the hour.

The Domme stated , “ Obviously, I am unable to physically overpower my slave boy. As much as I loom over everyone in my mind, I must admit that I am… well… short.” The question became, does dominance have anything to do with size. Although all things physical factor in as the basis of any D/s relationship, the answer is “no.”

For example, Napoleon was able to dominate a whole world and he was rather small.  Michelle Yeoh, the amazing Chinese female martial artist from the “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon” film series, is very small.  If she wanted to, she could physically dominate just about anyone. As could Jackie Chan, if he so desired. (Master Chan?)

One of the most impressive Doms I know is a very diminutive man. He can not physically dominate a submissive anymore than Martin Short can physically dominate The Rock. Yet his fetish is to dominate very tall female submissives. In this pursuit he is amazingly successful.

Keep in mind that D/s is a power exchange. Once the submissive gives the power to the dominant, size should not enter into the equation anymore.  Restraints, shackles and a whole galaxy of BDSM furniture give can the Domme all the physical tools for dominance she needs. The key here is mastering the BDSM equipment. Once you become familiar with all the items and how to use them, your submissive will be completely at your mercy.

For example, put your submissive into stocks and see how totally in command you are. Stocks, suspension devices and even rope can turn even a 300-pound submissive into your plaything. You can totally dominate him.  That’s what this equipment was invented for in the first place. The skillful use of BDSM equipment and toys is the great equalizer. Because if it were truly a case of the strongest being the most dominant – then I would stop writing these articles and open up a Dom/me gym.

Certain equipment, in and of itself, can also bring out extreme submissiveness. That is an added bonus. For example, some subs become especially docile when tied in rope; others respond dramatically to being chained to a board; still others to being suspended. This is where the dominant’s BDSM skills, both mental and physical, come into play. A hundred pound Domme can totally control a refrigerator-sized submissive by knowing what subby buttons to push.

Another Domme chimed in. “But my sub views being overpowered as essential to feeling dominated.” If your submissive is so stuck in his mindset that — even after he is completely dominated by your BDSM skills — he still feels he is missing something because you did not literally overpower him, then there is little you can do. It is much like a man who can only get excited by a six-foot tall blond dressed in an Astronaut’s uniform. If this is the only thing that gets him off, with little wiggle room, then you can talk about it until you are blue in the face; there is not much you can do to change this.

Remember, as I have said at nauseam, there is no one way to do BDSM. And though it might be easier to dominate a smaller submissive, that does not mean it is the only way to go. BDSM offers the short person the ability to become very powerful using the mind and a set of skills – something the vanilla world seems not to offer.

Happy Fourth of July!!!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Smokin’

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adult-black-and-white-blindfolded-731864

For this article, I would like to explore the world of one extremely popular and overlooked fetish – the “smoking fetish.” And also offer some play suggestions for this fetish.

As with all fetishes, the smoking fetish (called capnolagnia, for you Jeopardy addicts) has a huge range. Fortunately, if you are a newbie with respect to this fetish, it has a rather shallow learning curve – at least as opposed to many other fetishes, such as suspension bondage.

One of the most popular smoking fetishes is the “sexy smoking” fetish. Here, the very act of the Domme dressing up in provocative clothes and smoking turns on the submissive. To the smoking fetishist, there is great eroticism watching a woman smoking a cigarette in a self-assured, sexy and stylish manner. Often, the Domme will have an elaborate, bejeweled cigarette holder and will require a “lighting ceremony.” The key here appears to be the sensual aspect in the “art of smoking a cigarette.” The intricate French inhale — where the smoke is exhaled through the mouth and then immediately re-inhaled through the nose – is a specialty that can be mastered relatively easily. The submissive might even have a preferred brand of cigarette he/she wants the Top to smoke.

Another popular smoking-fetish scene is one where a beautiful woman smokes a cigarette while nude. If this is what your sub is into, you are in luck. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to shed one’s clothes and smoke a cigarette! Another easy-to-master smoking move is where you inhale smoke, and then exhale it into his/her mouth. You might make him/her keep it in for an extended period of time, with punishment for exhaling it too soon.

The sub might want other variations besides the typical the vinyl or leather-clad, high-heeled smoking Domme. Be prepared for this; have some costumes and uniforms on hand. Smoking nurses, smoking French maids and smoking policemen are just three scenarios that come to mind. There are many smoking scenes for the basic smoking fetishist that you can invent; the only limit is your imagination – and your wardrobe. Finally, there are those who are into cigars or cigarillos as opposed to cigarettes. You should find this out; cigarette fetishists can be every bit as specific and demanding as any other fetishist.

If, however, if your sub wants to take it one step farther, elements of humiliation play may be what he/she seeks. A submissive might crave some smoke blown onto his/her face – or even on his/her penis or vagina! Or, he/she might want to be made to beg to light your cigarette. (Note: paying clients can always top from the bottom!) Humiliation play is easy to introduce where a cigarette fetish is concerned. At the more severe end of this fetish, the submissive might want to be made into a “human ashtray.” Or, the bottom might want the Domme to use the cigarette as a torture device. This type of play is not for the novice. You must make sure you don’t permanently burn a submissive or you might find a subpoena – rather than a thank you note – in your mailbox. Especially in this day and age!

To sum up, you should not only try to learn about the fetish, but also learn about your submissive. If you have both under control, chances are your first smoking-fetish session will be a smoking success! (Couldn’t resist!)

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Be Cool

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03_kimber_fox__sabra_johnsinKimber Fox and Sabr A Johnsin shot by Danny Stygion

In the tradition of my last two articles, I will again tackle a submitted BDSM question that I think is important to answer. This was sent to me via email. So, let’s go!

“I’m new to the lifestyle, and am not even sure whether I’m a Top or bottom! I’ve been invited to a play party by a friend, but since I’ve never played even privately before, I’m terrified. I’m scared there might be pressure on me to play. If I don’t play, I don’t want to look like a fool… But how can I pass up the opportunity to go?! I’m caught between a rock and a hard place. Can you help?”

You say you are new to the lifestyle. Since everyone was a newbie once (including me!), this is common to all lifestylers. What is uncommon is the speed at which you have managed to wrangle a play party invitation. My first invite to a dungeon came after I had played for a while and gotten around a bit. Your situation is like being allowed to pass through the velvet ropes at a celebrity party on your first visit to a city. It happens, but it is not the typical situation. Thus, it is only natural that you would have some trepidation about your first appearance at a BDSM play party.

The best advice I can give you has nothing to do with BDSM, the lifestyle or your “newbie-ness.” (Is that a word?) It is, simply, “Be cool.” It is very easy to be cool in this type of situation. A play party is the perfect setting for “instant coolness.” First of all, everyone there is self-involved. They have their own concerns to worry about, not yours. They are caught up in setting up their scenes, worrying about whether they brought the right toys and wondering whether a specific type of BDSM equipment is going to be available to them. Is their scene going to work out as planned; are they dressed right? Basically, every concern that performers ruminate about is at the center of their universe for that night. Surely, your “virgin status” is scarcely a concern of theirs. Unless, of course, you violate basic play party or dungeon (if it is at a dungeon) etiquette, which is:

  • If you are watching a scene, never make a comment that can be heard by the participants. If you must talk, thing “golf!

 

  • Don’t interrupt a scene and never enter the players’ “scene space.”  Watch the scene from a comfortable distance and save all your comments until later.  Keep in mind that a submissive can be bounced out of subspace by noise, comments, laughter, etc.  

 

  • Be respectful. Or, more simply, be cool!  

In any BDSM dungeon or play party, there is never any pressure to play. This is not like a used car dealership where they hate it when you are “just looking.” The lifestylers who play publicly want to be watched; they are exhibitionists. Without an audience, they might as well play at home. Thus, your watching – and only watching – is encouraged. If someone asks you if you want to play, a simple “no thank you” will suffice. Just hang around, observe, and enjoy the show. Again, just be cool.

Finally, if you want to eliminate any remaining worries with respect to your “de-virgination,” dress the part. If you are a female, wear fetish style clothes. If you are a male, dress in black. In either case, don’t go overboard; wearing handcuffs and chains will make you look lame – especially as you are a newbie! Look like you belong but don’t over compensate. In other words, look cool!

If you use this approach, you will have no problems. There will be absolutely nothing to fear. You can learn more at a play party in one night than you can in a month of reading about the lifestyle. You will be in the best place to watch, observe and pick up on diverse real-life BDSM play styles. As the great sage Yogi Berra (who’s he?) once said, “You can observe a lot just by watching.”

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Punishment Dilemma

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hooper-headmistress-118Dirk Hooper Professional Photography-http://www.DirkHooper.com

Last week I answered a submitted question. It proved popular so I will answer another BDSM question – this one from a discussion at the legendary Los Angeles dungeon, the  Lair deSade.

“I am a new Domme and have been trying to learn as much as possible. One thing truly baffles me. If I find a submissive who likes pain, and it seems that most do, how do I punish him? If he likes flogging, for example, I can’t really flog him as punishment, can I? How should I approach this dilemma?

This is a very common question; I wondered the same thing when I started my BDSM journey. It is only natural to contemplate how you punish a submissive who loves pain with pain.  In my opinion, there are three distinct responses to your query.

The first one addresses the use of punishment in the training of a submissive. Who says you have to actually punish a slave to maintain discipline? There are many slaves to whom the Master’s displeasure is more than enough to keep them in line. They rarely, if ever, require physical punishment. After all, did you need bodily punishment in school to get you to do your homework? The disapproval of your parents or peers was usually enough. It can be argued that to achieve lasting behavior modification, no matter how minimal, that the desire to do so trumps any exercise in reprimand. With a “self-correcting slave,” to coin a phrase, the mere look of dissatisfaction by the Master or Mistress will suffice; this slave will adjust his/her behavior to please the Dom/me, punishment or no punishment. This “self-correcting slave,” of course, doesn’t imply that “Mistress never works.” If you find a slave who fits this mold, you must still be firm, demanding and consistent in explaining what your requirements are. This slave needs as much guidance as a submissive who has to be physically punished. Don’t think you can just “sleep all day” and you will have the perfect slave. Basically, you must “discipline” her/him; but you are using a look of disapproval, a verbal reprimand or a word of guidance instead of physical castigation. It requires the same dedication to the task of training that the “punishment system” does.

The second analysis concerns the way pain registers in the brain. It can be argued that a spanking administered at a dungeon play party would invariably register as “pleasure” in the slave’s brain. Whereas a spanking given with a harsh look, under corporal conditions (“How did slave disappoint Mistress?” “I did not obey Her orders.”) would be perceived as pain — or even worse. Basically, the setup for the spanking will determine whether it is pleasurable or painful. Think of it like this. If you were spun upside down in a chair, you might consider it torture. Ride an amusement park ride that is similar to the upside down spinning chair and you will think of it as fun! Same stimuli, dissimilar mindsets, different results. Thus, you can discipline your “painslut”, if that is your desire, by setting up the punishment scene differently than a pleasure scene. The sub must know it is punishment to perceive it as such. Make sure you avoid the “spank me I’m a bad girl/boy” scenario because a painslut will eat this role-play alive. In this case, spank for fun. Not because she is a “bad submssive.”

Finally, not even the “King (or Queen) of Painsluts” has an affinity for every tool of torment. He/she might love the flogger but hate the paddle. Or a sub might worship the whip but despise the cane; or adore the crop but loathe tight bondage. Part of the fun of BDSM is experimentation. You should try every toy you can on your slave and find out those the submissive loves and those she/he hates. The key is to find at least one activity that the slave abhors. This might take some doing; you might have to live at the toyshop. But once you find that magical punishment implement, you are set. Remember, all you need is one!

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Rules

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evaMistress Eva with sub
https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

From time to time, I respond to submitted BDSM questions whose answers might help some of our readers. Here is one that I found fascinating; and though it is written by a female submissive, my answer should apply to male subs too.…

“I am a relatively new female submissive. A potential Master I met gave me a complicated list of rules he wants me to follow. The prospect of following them is very scary to me. What should I do?”

The first thing you must understand is that every Dominant – and every submissive – is different. We might all be learning from similar playbooks, but all of us pick and choose different paths and preferences. There are high protocol and low protocol Dom/mes and subs, weekend and 24/7 practitioners, switches and fetishists. Before you choose a Dominant, it would be best to familiarize yourself with all these different possibilities.

When you first meet a Dominant, even if you like him, you really owe him nothing — other than respect and honesty. Technically, until you decide to enter into some sort of D/s arrangement, you are a free agent. And so is he. Thus, when he sends you a long list of rules he wants you to follow, you are not compelled to obey them immediately. You are still in the “negotiations” phase. This is really a two part discovery process. The first is to find out if you actually like each other. This can border on vanilla considerations; but, human concerns are always critical in any relationship, BDSM or otherwise. After you determine that you like him – or you discover you want him only as a play partner — then you should enter into the “lifestyle negotiations” phase, of which his rules are but one aspect.

The great advantage of BDSM relationships – if you do them “by the book” and don’t skip the negotiations phase – is that all aspects of your interactions are up for discussion.  Whether it is your Dom’s rulebook, play, pain, fetishes, sex, polyamory, hard & soft limits or levels of protocol, nothing – other than agreeing on a safe word — should be off the table. The key is that these discussions should be as complete and wide-ranging as possible. In your case, his rules are the first thing, but not the only thing, to be talked about.

Before you discuss the list with him, I suggest (my opinion) you examine it and separate the rules into three categories. One should be those rules you actually like. For example, a popular rule that many subs love is that the submissive gives oral sex on demand. The next group would include those rules you don’t find overly objectionable. For example, asking permission to cum can be a pain for many submissives, but few would consider this a deal breaker. Then you must list those which are hard limits. This often happens when a low protocol sub meets a high protocol Dominant who might require her/him to ask permission to go the bathroom – even when at work.

Once you have these categories firmly in mind, you should ask this Dom whether “category three” rules are negotiable or not. If he refuses, and there are lots of “hard limit” rules in the list, he simply might not be the Dominant for you. If, on the other hand, he is willing to bend his rules a bit, then you can start to get a handle whether this will work. Don’t expect him to tailor his protocols to completely satisfy you. After all, who is the Dom here? But, if you are cool with a lot of his rules, and he is willing to change some before finalizing them, then all might be fine.

The key in all relationships, as stated here ad nauseam, is communication. Your Master’s list can be a good jump-off point to see where you both stand. Plus, after the rules are finalized, you will find that having them in place can be the cornerstone of a great union.

Remember, his list is not an ending, but merely a beginning!

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Punishment

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eva-2Mistress Eva with sub. Check out more pictures at https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

One of the most popular — and exciting — features of D/s is the training of a submissive by a Dom/me. Usually this entails the use of both positive and negative reinforcement – the negative side typically being punishment. I had covered the technical aspects of punishment in two previous articles here on kinkweekly.com – The Punishment Manual Part 1 (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/punishment-manual-part/) and The Punishment Manual Part 2 (https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/punishment-manual-part-ii/ ). But I wanted to address many questions that remained with regards to punishment.

I also wished to add a warning that BDSM life in the year 2018 would require. Unless you are in a long-term D/s relationship – and even if you are – I would take one important step before you start to train any submissive. Make sure you have a signed and/or videoed consensuality agreement with the submissive you are training – especially if you are using serious physical punishment in your schooling. In this day and age, one can never be too careful. Now back to the topic at hand!

Ideally, when a Dominant starts to train a submissive, the object is to mold the sub to the Dom/me’s specifications. The traditional BDSM  – and most effective — way to do this is though the judicious use of punishment…and reward. Contrary to myth, punishment (meaning something the submissive truly hates as opposed to a spanking which he/she may secretly enjoy) by itself will not train a submissive or a slave successfully. Or at least not as effectively as the use of both punishment and reward.

In general terms, the Dominant trains his submissive to please him or her. One of the most fun things in BDSM (and surely the most popular) is training a submissive in ways to please the Dominant sexually. The Dom/me might train his/her submissive how to pleasure him/her orally, how to dress in a way that turns him/her on, how to make-up and even how to walk.  So let’s peek into a submissive’s diary to see what being “trained to please your Master” really entails. (This is an actual slave’s diary!)

Sir called me over to present myself for inspection. I knew the routine well. After all, he had been training me to do it exactly his way for a month now. And his punishment for getting it wrong – sitting in the corner for an hour – is just too painful to bear. I spread my legs – bare, wearing five inch high heels and no panties as He had instructed – and stood in front of him, eyes cast down. He touched my pussy. He felt it. He put his fingers in it, into “his property” as he called it. I felt a rush of pride until he told me that I hadn’t done an acceptable job shaving my pussy.  

He stared at me in silence, then he punished me by slapping my face once. It did not hurt; but it was so humiliating. I do not think I will ever forget to shave to his specifications again.  It was that humiliating.

He then had me suck his cock.  I did it exactly the way he had trained me, the ways he likes it.  I was scared I might displease him like before; but he told me “good slave” as he got hard as a rock. Sir then had me use my hands to make him cum. Afterward, he praised me and told me how much I pleased him. This was made me feel so wonderful.   I love pleasing Sir so much.

(Note: if this slave ever had “buyer’s remorse” for the face slapping, you will be glad you have a signed and/or videoed consensuality agreement. It is not ironclad legal insurance, but it sure helps if problems arise.)

In this above case, both punishment and reward were used so that the Dominant could get his slave to do things exactly the way he desired them. The punishment, in this case, did not entail extreme pain. A simple face slap did the trick because this Master understood his submissive well enough to know what she truly hated. Many times a Dominant automatically thinks a spanking or even a caning is the proper punishment. This is not necessarily the case — and surely not for a “painslut” (slang for a submissive who enjoys pain). The best punishment is that which the submissive hates. But the Dominant should never forget reward, either.

This use of both punishment and reward applies to non-sexual tasks as well. In BDSM “discipline” training – which ranges from proper use of etiquette to complex presentation rituals — the principles remain the same. A Dominant who only uses punishment as a training tool is using only half of his arsenal.

Of course, the obverse is true. Reward alone, too, is usually an inefficient training tool.  When a submissive fails in tasks or training, swift punishment is perhaps the only way to call attention to this failure.

The Dominant, much like a parent, should strive to make all punishments consistent.   And they should be administered in a calm manner. The Dom/me who loses his/her temper and punishes out of rage will lose his submissive’s respect. And maybe his submissive too!

 

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Pro Dommes at DomCon LA

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Sexy young woman with whip in mouth at night

With Mistress Cyan’s DomConLA coming up this week, it might be time to discuss the growing number of Pro Dommes in our community. Of course, as the popularity of DomCon has exploded over the years, it is not only for Dommes anymore. There are people attending from every part of the BDSM spectrum. That is what makes it fun. Still, the most obvious BDSMers are the Dommes, both pro and lifestyle – after all, who can ignore latex clad Dommes in their nine inch stiletto heels?!!! In this article, I will concentrate on the Pro Dommes, as they are making their presence known on all social media – especially Twitter.

Pro Dommes.  Now here is a BDSM subject that is rarely written about.  Yet, professional Dommes and bondage go together like chocolate chips and ice cream. Just go to any lifestyle convention – like DomCon in both Los Angeles and New Orleans — and you will see more pro Dommes than you can shake a stick (or cane) at.  Not only are pro Dommes plentiful, but – given their sexsational outfits – they are among the most flamboyant and hot members of our community. And they are one part of our community that keeps many D/s protocols alive. If we had to depend on the Fifty Shades people…need I say more?

The reason for this article isn’t to hawk the wares of pro Dommes (they do a fine job, thank you), but rather to spotlight another service other than just giving a sub a beating he/she can’t get conveniently at home. (Although this is a rather popular aspect of pro Dommery!)

I am often asked, “How does one learn about BDSM play?”  Obviously, reading the articles on kinkweekly.com, going to a commercial dungeon, being mentored and talking to people in the lifestyle are the best ways. There is, however, another often overlooked approach to “learning the ropes” – going to a pro Domme. Let me explain.

Let’s say you are a newbie Dom and sub. By hiring a pro Domme, you can see exactly how a professional Top uses the tools of torment in a safe and controlled environment; you can learn how to properly scene by experiencing it upfront and personal.

I recommend you only hire a professional who works out of a reputable  dungeon, or one with references or one you connect with at DomConLA! One advantage of a convention is that there are many Dommes to choose from and you can meet them face-to-face. You can also ask lots of questions – and asking questions is the best way to get an understanding of any subject.

Working with a pro Domme is not only a unique — and fun — way of learning for a beginner, but it can also work for the more advanced player.  As every Dominatrix has a specialty, you can hire one who is an expert in an advanced area – such as edge play – that you want to learn. I personally know a Master who learned needle play from a pro Domme. You do not have to become the Pro Domme’s submissive to hire her; you can pay for her time just to learn. Just ask and you will find out if this arrangement is acceptable.

If you are wondering why I say pro Domme and not pro Dom, it is because there are not a lot of pro Doms floating around.  Sorry guys, the fantasy of making a living by spanking women for a fee is a hard one to fulfill. And, though there are a few professional Doms around (many are riggers for BDSM photo shoots), most dungeons specialize in pro Dommes.  Such is life.

This is but a small preview of DomConLA – and in it I offered a new way to approach Pro Dommes to expand your BDSM experience. Obviously, not every Pro Domme will agree to be a “mentor for hire.” But as I said in last week’s article, “One size does not fit all.”

I might add an invitation: if you are attending DomConLA this week, I will be hosting a panel discussion (shameless plug) on “Are We All Switches?” at the convention next Saturday at 6 PM.

It is a live extension of my kinkweekly.com article of the same name.  In it I opened:

“I think that, in our modern society, it is nearly impossible for anyone to be Dominant 24/7. For example, many Dom/mes work for corporations and thus – unless they own the firm – have a boss. When Dominants, no matter how Toppy, are told at the DMV, “Go to this line,” chances are they will comply. Get a call from the IRS, they will jump like a submissive hit with a single tail. Get stopped by a cop for a ticket, who becomes submissive? Thus, most Dom/mes, whether they admit it or not, have “submissive events” in their lives.”

Join the discussion.  It should be informative, entertaining and fun!

 

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

One Size Does Not Fit All

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Nude submissive woman shoulder, bdsm act with Wartenberg wheel on black background

I think one thing we can all agree on, whether beginner or experienced, is that the “one size fits all” approach to BDSM doesn’t work. Sorry to say, there is no universal way to do BDSM. (That would be too robotic anyway.) Each person has his/her own needs; the way people interact with one another is totally unpredictable. As it would be impossible to look at different personal approaches, let’s examine “one size doesn’t fit all” from a technical or play point of view. This article will be addressed to the Dom/mes, as they control the action. (Although submissives are welcome to eavesdrop!)

First, let’s examine the different ways a submissive reacts to pain. It varies by implement; by the way the toy is used and the sub’s reaction to the Top him/herself. (For example, if the sub trusts the Dom/me, he/she will take more pain, can probably go into subspace more easily and the scene will be more pleasurable.) Some subs need a lot of warm-up, some a light warm-up and others don’t need or want any warm-up at all. My sub prefers a warm-up when being flogged, but no warm-up before being hand spanked. Every submissive is different — and his/her response to a given “tool-of-torment” will vary day-to-day, mood-to-mood and setting-to-setting. What works on Wednesday will not necessarily work on Thursday.

I have heard, from Dom/mes, “I cannot believe I couldn’t put her/him into subspace. I used the same technique I always have!” This actually should be the common observation, not the rare one. Nevertheless, once the Dom/me has encountered situations where their “auto-pilot” stops working, it is time to turn it off and change the approach.

How does one figure out the best way to play with a sub who is not responding to your tried-and-true methods? I would say listening is the best answer. There is an old salesman’s adage that says, “The customer will tell you exactly how to sell him/her. Just shut-up and listen.” Similarly, the submissive will usually provide a roadmap to success for the attentive Dominant.

By simply listening, you can discover those areas that the submissive finds conducive to a successful session. For example, if the sub says he/she is a newbie and is scared of playing in public, don’t insist on it – at least not until the sub feels comfortable doing a public scene. When asked, the more experienced subs will tell you just about everything. They will tell you whether they prefer rattan or acrylic canes; whether they hate flogging on the back or love it. Neoprene floggers, stingy floggers, thuddy ones – subs are only too glad to tell you their preferences. They are effusive when explaining what gets them into sub-space and what kind of warm-ups they like. If you have questions, they have answers. This is not “topping from the bottom.” (Although if it happens during a scene, it might qualify as “topping from the bottom.”) We are talking about pre-scene negotiation here.

Obviously, identifying soft and hard limits is essential; just relying on a safe word is not the best way to go. This goes without saying. (Then why is BaadMaster saying it? Hmmmm!) Again, you can find this information out by…asking! It is as simple as that.

Finally, no matter how experienced any submissive is, it is up to the Dominant to make the sub feel as comfortable and trusting as possible. And, the amount of trust a submissive gives the Dominant varies from submissive to submissive. So, to coin an article title, “one size does not fit all.” If you keep this in mind, listen intently to what the submissive tells you and understand that trust is not granted immediately and is earned, you will find your scenes will be awesome!

 

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

BDSM MARKING PART 2

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An examples of light bruising on anniebear's booty.
An examples of light bruising on anniebear’s booty.

I have covered marking in a previous Kink Weekly article. But it is one thing to discuss marking from a technical point of view; it is quite another to examine it from a relationship or emotional perspective.

Recently, I was asked the following question that is a real life concern and not simply a technical question:

“I have a submissive who loves to get marked. Lately, as I have fallen in love with her, I don’t like marking her anymore. Is this unusual or is this a common phenomenon?”

In some form or another, this is a popular dilemma; here is my attempt to answer this Domme’s question.

The only thing that never changes is that things change. It is part of the human condition. Thus, one should not be surprised at the fact that perceptions change, especially after falling in love with someone. As to this specific dilemma, let me state forthrightly that it is a common one. It has an analogous first cousin in the vanilla world, where the husband (or wife) complains that after marriage the spouse has changed for the worse. Thus a version of this happens in every lifestyle.

When you first played, I am sure you did not have many other considerations other than the play itself. There were few other considerations. Now here is the key. As you played more and more, even before the day that you actually admitted that you were in love, your play changed. It was never a constant. For example, you probably tried to improve your technique as you learned the way your sub reacted to different approaches. You might have gradually been marking her less and less over time and not even noticed it. Or, you might have not truly liked marking her from day one but just did it because, as you stated, “She loves to get marked.” There are any number of possibilities. Nevertheless, you probably did not notice the changes. More than likely, you were gradually marking her less and less over time.

In our lifestyle, what you are probably experiencing is what I call the “precious property syndrome.” Now that you are in love with your slave, you are even more protective and might not want to damage your “precious property.” This is a common pattern. Remember, there is the tendency to push limits over time. Unconsciously, you might be afraid that you will mark her more and more, so you have pulled the plug on the whole process. There is nothing wrong with this. You are not required to do anything in BDSM. There is no prerequisite that you mark your slave. If you don’t like doing it anymore, so be it. But be aware there might be consequences.

The most important component of any relationship, as we have stressed ad nausea, is communication. Master/Mistress as mind reader rarely works. Better to tolerate a little “topping from the bottom” than to fly blind. So, you must discuss this with your submissive. Obviously, she would have noticed that you were playing sans marking. So, ignoring it and keeping this concern to yourself is no solution at all.

What you must do whenever there is a radical change in your play is to discuss it with your partner. The key is less about you than about her. Learn how she feels about your new approach. If she doesn’t care one way or the other, then what’s the big deal? Or, you might find she only accepted your mark-intensive play style was to please you (as many subs do), then you won’t be losing anything. Thus, you can stop marking for now. Maybe, some day you will feel the need to resume it. Either way, there is no problem. (BaadMaster solves the problem by declaring there is no problem!)

On the other hand, if your sub really craves being marked, you might be facing a dilemma. There is an expression that you have to “dance with the girl that you brung to the dance.” In most cases, I have found that the most successful D/s couples are those that don’t turn their back on their roots. If they played heavy when they met, it is best not to neglect heavy play after they “couple up.” Thus, I would advise that you attempt to play with a light marking that won’t damage your “precious property,” but will give her the thrills she loved when you first played!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.