baadmaster

As one who met my current slave, and many lifestyle friends, online, I believe the Internet is the greatest tool ever devised for meeting fellow kinksters. In my case, for example, it would be difficult to approach a woman at a supermarket and ask, “Are you a submissive?” At best, I would get a blank stare. I would probably have to use this line on a hundred women before I heard, “Yes, I am a submissive.” And even then, the next sentence might be, “My Master is on the produce aisle.” Ugh! Other than socials, munches and play parties, online is the way to go. Thus this rather important question regarding lifestylers one meets online. So here goes:

Reader: I’m an experienced female switch, currently in the market for a male sub. I contacted a sub I saw online and in our discussion we talked about references. I’ve always been a believer in them. He, however, doesn’t see a need for them. What’s your opinion on references? Do you think they’re a good idea, and if so, could you explain how to use them when meeting a potential play partner?

As I see it, the best way to use the Internet is to set up some “red flag” criteria that you use consistently. Whether or not your system is too rigid is not an issue; it must have rules that you stand by. In all likelihood, one male sub is your aim; you are not looking for an army. Thus, it matters not if you get rid of some potential winners. The key is to eliminate losers – or even dangerous players. Thus, you must insist on a set of criteria that determines whether you pursue a given person or drop him. Let’s examine references as one of these tools.

A good rule of thumb is, “If you don’t see eye-to-eye on the need for references, then you’re not going to get very far…” Yet it goes deeper than this. I feel that everyone uses some form of “reference” when meeting other people – whether it is vanilla, religious or libertine. People gossip. People ask questions. People are born detectives. It is rare when we do not try to get a fix on another person’s proclivities. There is nothing wrong in asking for references. After all, they ask for them when you rent a car.

What you are probably reacting to is not the reference issue per se, but rather his refusal to cooperate in your request for them. And herein lies two big red flags. First, a person who wants to be your sub seems a bit un-subly in his refusal. Second, a person who is afraid of giving references is like a person who is rarely available. More than likely, this person is married. You might be open to a married person; but the lying is the red flag. Similarly, you might not require a spotless set of references worthy of an American Express black card application (that super-secret card reserved for the multi-millionaire set), but you want to know he is not afraid of your inquiries. Of course, he might not have anything to hide; he might simply be philosophically opposed to any investigation about him. Nevertheless, you must stick to your guns. After all, if you do bend your standards for him, and it turns out that references would have shown him to be an unsafe player, you would be kicking yourself. (Actually, as a switch, kicking yourself might be fun!)  

I would, however, issue one warning with regard to references. Always evaluate any references with a healthy skepticism; you really cannot judge someone through another person’s eyes. A saint to one individual can be a sinner to another. One negative recommendation should not outweigh a bunch of positive ones. Make sure you compile an overall profile of the person you are interested in; don’t rely on references all by themselves. They are part of the picture, not the whole picture.

Meeting online is always a bit tricky. You might have to kiss a bunch of frogs before you find your prince. The best advice I can give you is to keep the selection process as true to yourself as possible. If you require references and your candidate says “No” then you should say “Next!” 

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

I really like questions that have no easy answers.  It gives me a challenge. The latest one is a real “doozy”, for want of a better word.  Let’s get to the question ASAP.

Reader: I’m a contracted slave of two years and just learned that my Master cheated on me. As we do not have an open relationship, this is a clear violation of our contract (“Master will never lie to slave”), what are my options? Must I ask for my release? Is the bond of trust irrevocably broken? Can this relationship ever be repaired?”

This dilemma obviously concerns trust issues; I have covered these concerns extensively in two previous articles:

https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/trust-dommes-point-view/

https://www.kinkweekly.com/article-baadmaster/trust-subs-point-view/

These articles notwithstanding, this is one whopper of a dilemma.  From my experience, I have noted that once trust is broken in a Master/slave relationship, it is very difficult, although not impossible, to re-establish it.  Why is that? It appears that M/s relationships have a lot less elasticity than their vanilla counterparts. In one sense you get a lot more; in another sense you give a lot more.  When someone is called a “Master,” which is how you describe your significant other, he/she is held to a higher standard. This does not imply infallibility; it does mean than when a “Master” lies, it has more significance than when a vanilla boyfriend does.  After all, how many vanilla boyfriends put down in writing, “Boyfriend will never lie to girlfriend?” Thus, after a big lie – and cheating is a big lie in any type of relationship, let alone a Master/slave one — re-establishing trust and, more importantly, respect is quite a task.  I am not being a hard-ass here. It is just that realistically, you can’t be a lying, cheating “Master.” Here is an example I use to illustrate the fragility of Master/slave relationships.  

“The famous BDSM question, “Would you walk in front of a bus if your Master ordered you to?” is usually answered, “Yes I would, but Master would never ask me to do it.”  That is fine in theory. It sounds good. It works great online. But, in reality, ask your slave to walk in front of a bus and the answer will be, “Fuck you, Asshole.” Notice, the word “Master” was replaced by “Asshole.”  And once the title “Master” is replaced by “Asshole,” the D/s relationship is, more than likely, dead.”

Your Master did not do anything quite as asinine like ordering you to walk in front of a bus.  But he did abrogate his agreement; thus your respect for him must, by definition, have slipped significantly.  If the Master cheats and – most important — lies about it, how can the submissive realistically use the term “Master” anymore?  Respect, that delicate dynamic upon which the power exchange is built, can be permanently destroyed in the blink of an eye. Your circumstances are clearly not as extreme as the bus example, but your situation is precarious nonetheless.

Keeping this example in mind, I will address your question, as I see it, point by point.

Must I ask for my release?  The answer is “no.” Although his breaking of the slave contract gives you the right to ask for your release, there is no BDSM protocol that says you must ask for your release under these circumstances.  

Is the bond of trust irrevocably broken?  Again, the answer is “no.” Trust can always be re-established in any relationship.  To my way of thinking, this is not the determinant of whether your relationship can be repaired.  People make mistakes and grow from overcoming them. Instead, the pivotal question should actually be, “Is the bond of respect irrevocably broken?”  How much respect did you lose for him when he cheated on you?  Was it to the level of the bus question or was it just a minor dent in the overall respect he commanded from you?  Did you mentally replace the word Master with “asshole” or did his behavior elicit a much milder reaction from you?  And how important in your dynamic is respecting your Master to the overall conduct of your relationship?

If you believe you can re-establish the needed level of respect that will enable you, in good conscious, to continue to call him “Master,” then the answer to your final question, “Can this relationship ever be repaired?” is “yes.”  

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The following question is a variant of a popular “where do I begin” type question.  But the key word here is “variant.” Within this question is the common dilemma of a couple that must learn at two different speeds.  Thus, my answer should be instructive to beginners regardless of how steep their learning curve is.

Reader: My wife and I have both discovered online BDSM simultaneously. She is turned on by submission but is not into pain. I am excited by Dominance, and the thought of spanking her hard excites me. How do we proceed? Is this a do-able arrangement because of the pain disparity?

The fact that you are a Dom and she is a submissive bodes well for your situation. Had you both been Dominants, or both been subs, your question would be directed at the divorce lawyers rather than me. But, before you worry about the pain/no pain aspects of your relationship, I suggest you first try to establish a D/s hierarchy. Of course, since you are both beginners, reading about BDSM on kinkweekly.com (plug, plug!) or exchanging ideas on fetlife.com is highly recommended.

The easiest way to proceed is by introducing small aspects of D/s into your everyday life. For example, choose a restaurant and order for your wife. Start to be more dominant in your everyday life and see how she takes to it. It is one thing to want to be a Dominant or a submissive; it is quite another thing to actually do it. Thus, small forays into the world of the power exchange are a good place to begin. 

Establishing honorifics should be the next item on your agenda. Addressing the Dominant as “Sir,” “Master” or some other honorific reinforces the D/s aspects of your relationship. Surely calling your Dom “Sir” packs a more powerful wallop than calling him “shnookems.” These might appear to be minor changes. But, a D/s relationship is a compendium of many minor behavioral modifications. Starting with the proper honorifics is a small but vital step.

I might also start to add some protocols, like the greeting ritual. You should instruct your wife how to great you when you return from work. Typically, this consists of kneeling down and kissing the feet or shoes of the Dominant. Or, it can be a specific verbal salutation. You can vary it to your desires, but a show of submission is often just what is needed to reaffirm the hierarchy of your relationship. 

Now comes the fun part! It is time to establish a D/s dynamic in the bedroom. You might not have – or want — a 24/7 Master/slave arrangement; but, at the very least, you should have established enough of a power exchange so that it should naturally spill over in the bedroom. Even without pain, I am sure you will enjoy having your wife as your sex slave. This might just be enough for you. After all, not all D/s relationships involve pain. But, if you want to expand it into the pain end of the BDSM spectrum, I will suggest a strategy that might work wonders. 

While you are having sex, make sure to spank your wife in the butt. As she will be in the throws of passion, she will learn to associate pain with the pleasure of sex. Many women enjoy the pain of spanking during sex – even vanilla women. But, in your case, you must make a special effort to give some demonstrative spanks that are BDSM-specific and pack a sting. The key is to make her connect your spanks (or some other pain) with the pleasure of sex. This is a great way of turning her on to pain without making a big deal of it. If she likes it, then you can negotiate a full-blown BDSM scene. As her trust level goes up, so will her willingness to go the extra mile for you.

If, on the other hand, she just won’t countenance any pain, you might still be in luck. You might be able to negotiate playing with a professional submissive at a local dungeon with your wife present. But, if all attempts fail, at the very least you have a well trained submissive both in and out of the bedroom. And that isn’t all that bad. As Steven Wright, the comedian said, “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

With a whole new generation of lifestylers coming up, we would be remiss if we did not address their concerns.  I am in a unique position to answer millennial’s concerns as my live-in submissive is — surprise! – a millennial.  And though I hate to generalize, one is more likely to encounter the dreaded “brat” among the newer lifestylers than in the more experienced (read older) Dom/mes and submissives. This question and my answer can shed light upon what to do when you encounter the so-called “brat.”  Here is the question:   

Reader: I am a young Domme and my slave just won’t behave.  I think he wants to be good, but I don’t know how to make him obey.  Help!       

Without specifics, this will be a tough question to answer.  But the fact that you are calling this person your “slave” makes it clear that you want him to obey you.  Thus, the problem.

To use proper terms, I can correctly state that your slave is a “brat.”  I have found there are basically two types of “brats.” The first type of brat really has no interest in behaving or being “trained.”  Behavior modification is the farthest thing from this brat’s mind. He/she gets turned on by misbehaving and loves a punishment scene. Here the “punishment” is not castigation at all, it is the payoff.  Since the “punishment” is pleasurable, every time you administer it you are rewarding the misbehavior. This is exactly what this brat/slave wants.  

If your slave is this type of brat, and both of you enjoy this game, then just go with the flow.  The slave here probably won’t misbehave until he wants to be punished. Once this interchange is established as the primary aspect of your D/s relationship, it might be too late to change this dynamic.  But why bother? You both enjoy it. “You’ve been a bad boy, you’re getting a spanking” is one of the most popular BDSM games around. 

However, if you want a well-behaved slave, the above setup is not the best way to achieve it.  It not only gives the slave an incentive to misbehave, it also gives the Dominant an excuse for a spanking scene.  If you don’t get off on this game (be honest with yourself) and really want your “type one” brat to behave, then this should be nipped in the bud.  

Explain to your submissive that misbehaving will not automatically result in a spanking.  Invent new forms of punishment — which will include things the submissive actually dislikes.  It could be no television for a week. No kinkweekly.com. (Now there’s a unique punishment! LOL.)  Or a paddling if that is what he hates. You must take the incentive out of misbehaving.

The key is to separate punishment from pleasure.  As your slave must learn there are other ways to get a good spanking other than by misbehaving, allow the submissive to request a spanking scene.  Once the submissive understands that he does not have to misbehave to get the pleasure of a spanking, you have removed the biggest incentive to misbehaving.  You can still do a role-play game of “brat,” but you will both understand that this is role-play and the submissive must behave in all other situations.  

The second type of brat misbehaves simply because he/she is not well trained.  Or very new to the lifestyle. Or young. If your slave fits into these categories, you will have a much easier time training him.  Here the “brat dynamic” is not integral to the relationship; in fact, the slave here does not really want to be a brat at all. He is simply is crying out for guidance.  What I would do is set down a set of rules. Stress those areas where he currently misbehaves. Many subs crave a clear list of what is expected of them, not a vague admonition to “behave.”  Then explain that violation of those rules will result in punishment. Again, make sure punishment is punishment. It must be something he specifically dreads – anything from the cock cage to wearing a baby pacifier in public.  Punishment must be swift and predictable; do not let a violation of the rules slide.  

Once the slave gets swiftly punished, the likelihood is that he will not violate that rule again.  Consistency of discipline and a clear set of rules is the basis for all training. If you approach it in this manner, you are well on your way to turning a brat into a well-behaved slave.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Here is an amazing question so nuanced that I had to ponder the answer for a while.  I am not even sure this is the right answer; thus you can file this under “Opinion.”

Reader: Here is a problem, as a fellow Dom, you might be able to help me with. Recently I went to a dungeon party with my collared slave. A small argument escalated to the point where she said, loudly so that everyone could hear, “Go fuck yourself. Fuck you and your fucking collar.” I immediately released her. Now she is begging to be taken back. On the one hand, I still want her as my slave. On the other hand, this public show of total disrespect seems to make it impossible to collar her again. What should I do?

Of course, not knowing your personal situation in detail, there is a limit to what we can accurately advise. Not being Nostradamus limits us a bit. That said, there are certain aspects of your dilemma that are universal and can be answered helpfully. But first, a little background might be in order.

There is a theory that suggests that the reason D/s relationships can be so volatile and short-lived has to do with the fact that they don’t have as much “elasticity” as vanilla unions do. Since D/s relationships have a basic requirement of trust and respect, a Dom/me who lies to or cheats on his submissive (or vice versa) is more likely to land a fatal blow to the relationship. “Make-up sex,” after finding out about an illicit affair, is far more common in the vanilla world than in ours. Lying or cheating is more likely lethal in a Master/slave arrangement than in a vanilla boyfriend/girlfriend liaison. Thus, your situation is a “good news/bad news” state of affairs. The bad news is that public disrespect is a far more serious transgression in our lifestyle than in the vanilla world. If I had a dollar for every “fuck you” or “asshole” a wife spewed at her spouse on a supermarket line, I would be writing this column on my yacht. And in almost all of those cases a divorce lawyer did not appear. Thus, your prognosis is bleaker in D/s than in vanilla. Now for the good news. Your slave did not cheat or lie. Disrespect, if only of the moment and not reflective of a deeper dissatisfaction, does not have to be terminal.

I wish the “fuck yous” were stated softly, or privately. That would be a lot easier to deal with because of the “Social Media Stardom Principle.” What is the “Social Media Stardom Principle,” you ask? It is, in our computer culture, that everybody’s life is an open book. Thus your public argument could surface anywhere – Twitter, Fetlife, et. al. – and then you could wind up taking into account what other people think.  The good news is that since you are a Dom, you could tell any haters to go fuck themselves. So this area is covered.

But if you are part of the typical tight-knit, gossip-oriented subculture that many dungeons cater to, then you might risk some hating from those who expect your textbook reaction to a public rebuke to be the permanent banishment of your slave. If you don’t care what other people think – and you should not – than there is no law that says you cannot re-collar your slave.

Once you get past any Internet/community considerations, you can objectively examine the pros and cons of reconciliation. As I see it, the biggest “pro” is working past your problems. All couples, from vanilla to non-vanilla, face difficulties. Rarely is smooth sailing the norm in any lifestyle. So, you can either work through your issues or just go on to a new relationship with brand-new problems. If your slave’s outburst was a one-time thing, then a temporary release might be punishment enough. And, you might find that your relationship is stronger than ever. Working through problems is good for the soul.

Ultimately, the aim for any relationship is the fulfillment of the people involved. To live your life to please others, although an all too-often human need, is really not the way to go. The bottom line, as I see it, is if your relationship works for you and your submissive, that should be all that matters.

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Here is a submitted question that really is in my wheelhouse. I have tried poly over the years with varying degrees of success.  From it all going PERFECTLY to having one of the subs throw – and break – a chair at the Rio Hotel in Las Vegas. So let’s try to help out this slave!

Reader: I’m a fulfilled alpha slave, but I worry about my beloved sister slaves. They say they’re happy, but it’s hard for me to believe when my needs come first. Is Poly really possible?

There are actually two questions within your question. The first, regarding your sister slaves’ happiness, is a personal question about the dynamics within your relationship.  The second, “Is Poly really possible?” is a broadband, ultra-mega-huge eternal type question — much like “What is true love?”  Because I like tilting at windmills, I will attempt to answer your second question first.

Is polyamory really possible? In the short term, the answer is yes.  The excitement of a new poly relationship is much like the “honeymoon” period of any relationship. And it works for a while. As to long-term polyamory, that is a bit more problematical. BDSM relationships between two people are notoriously short-lived. When you add a third human being into the D/s mix, you are just complexifying (my word) an already hard-to-maintain relationship. I am living testament to this sad truth; I personally have gone oh-for-three in long-term triads, the longest being three years.  (Of course there are many long-term – over five years as a standard– wonderful poly relationships. But these are the exceptions, not the rule.)

Now why is polyamory so difficult?  In a poly relationship with an alpha and a beta slave, someone is voluntarily accepting being lower on the totem pole.  This is so unnatural that even you find it “hard to believe” (your own words) that someone would accept having their needs be a secondary – or even lower – priority.  The concept of “I live for my Master and will serve him as his beta, gamma or zeta slave” works fine in theory – or online! But this is a hard mental space to maintain in real time. Most people, in any type of relationship from fetish to vanilla, like to be ‘numero uno’ with respect to their significant other.  

Unlearning ego, jealousy and possessiveness, which a beta slave must do, is extremely difficult. But although it is difficult, it is not impossible. In order to override this natural need, the beta slave must ultimately embrace — whether through training or other means — his/her secondary status. So, in your case, the fact that the beta (or betas?) does not mind putting his/her needs second to yours is a sign that your poly relationship is working. Consider yourself lucky. Don’t jinx yourself by worrying about it.  

I might add, that in the poly world the most popular arrangement seems to be an alpha-beta hierarchy for the submissives. But there are other polyamory systems.  The alpha-alpha structure of two equal slaves is another way of setting up poly. Personally, I believe that an “alpha-alpha” system is easier to maintain for the Dominant. If the Dominant can divide his/her attentions somewhat evenly, resentment can be eliminated as a divisive issue. After all, there is no “beta slave” who, by definition, gets less attention.  I think this is less adversative to human nature than alpha-beta. But this is just a guess. We are dealing with human relationships here, not science. And many other systems keep popping up as people experiment in ways to make poly work.

As much as I love poly, I truly believe it is antithetical to basic human nature. It requires work to overcome this hurdle. A lot of work. If, in your case, your Master/Mistress has accomplished the formidable task of finding/training a beta slave who is totally happy serving in this capacity, go with the flow. Obviously, your needs include being number one; but don’t assume that the beta has the same mindset that you do. But your question should also serve to keep you vigilant. There might come a time that the beta wants to climb up the slave ladder. Or he/she says, “Get your own fucking cup of coffee!”  This is when triads start to unravel. And this is when your question, “Is poly possible?” will be answered, for real, by you and your poly family.

I would suggest that you enjoy it for as long as it lasts!

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Now here’s a doozy (now there’s a word I never used before!) of a question that was submitted to me.  I guess this must be a common concern as even I have pondered this dilemma. So without further adiex – or something like that – here is the question:

Reader: I’m a Dom and I love giving head, but I don’t want to come across as submissive… it’s such a submissive thing to have someone’s cock or pussy in your mouth… how can you do this in a Domly fashion? Is it even possible? How can “servicing” your submissive be Domly?

I have always maintained that D/s is a system wherein the objective is for both parties to get what they want. What distinguishes it from a vanilla union (where, similarly, both people strive to get what they both want) is that in a D/s relationship there is a definitive, negotiated power exchange. But, what constitutes a dominant or a submissive act is determined solely within the universe of the D/s couple.

And herein lies the key. I do not think any act, sexual or otherwise, is inherently dominant or submissive. For example, it might appear that boot licking is an intrinsically submissive act. On the surface, it does lend itself conveniently to a show of submission. But, what if a Dominant actually loved licking boots? Must this Dominant forever be sentenced to being unfulfilled in this need? Is this pleasure off limits to him? Does it make him/her less of a Dom/me because he loves to lick boots? I don’t think so. I can easily write a scenario that turns boot licking into an act of dominance. Here, the Dom/me orders his/her submissive to “present boots for licking.” Would not this twist in verbiage change the implication of the act? Remember, much of dominance and submission lies in its mental aspects. If an act has a submissive edge to it, and is presented as such, it becomes an act of submission – regardless of how it appears on the surface. Thus, if the Dom/me says, “Worship my boots,” the act is clearly one of submission. Should the Dom/me order, “Present boots for licking, slave,” the act is now one of dominance. Same act, different D/s hierarchy.

Similarly, the act of oral sex is not, per se, submissive. Many people assume it is, mainly because it lends itself to a “service me” mindset. But, it is much like boot licking in the example above. If you are not comfortable switching and want to preserve a set D/s dynamic at all times, then you simply have to change the setup of the act. “Present pussy for Master,” would be an order that would immediately change the power dynamics into one of dominance. This would be one elegant solution. After all, it would be silly to expect any Master to give up something he loves simply because many people stereotype it as submission. In fact, you might say giving in to a stereotype and thus sacrificing pleasure is the ultimate act of submission. A Dom/me who gives in to outside judgments of what he should and should not do is no Dom/me at all.

The way I see it, it is the setup of your relationship and the protocols within it that determine the overall power exchange dynamics – not one or two individual acts. Besides, there are always times when a submissive will say things like, “harder” or “slow down;” that doesn’t turn the Master into a slave. These are preferences stated in the throws of passion; I doubt if any Dom/me would get bent out of shape or feel threatened by them. If the overall power dynamic of your relationship is sound, no big deal.

Any given sexual act is but a small spoke in a much bigger D/s wheel. In my personal experience, there is no such thing as absolute dominance. One should not be rating every little act within your relationship as being “Domly” or “Undomly.” Soon you will have to hire judges rating you from 1 –10 like in the Olympics. Rather than go this way, I suggest you do what you enjoy and try to work everything out within your D/s protocols.

In other words, if you like it, do it. You are, after all, the Dom/me!

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

One of the most intriguing aspects of BDSM is marking. And I am not talking about just caning type bruising.  The question this in this edition of ASK BAADMASTER is about permanent markings. So without further jibber-jabber, the question:

Reader: “I am really turned on at the idea of permanently marking my slave, but I am concerned about knowing how far to go. What are your suggestions?”

Personal fact — my infatuation with permanent markings began in college when I saw a woman tattooed “Property Of…” and I said to myself, “That’s hot.”   And this was before the tattoo fad began. From then on, there was no turning back.

When it comes to suggestions, I would state that it is best to be sure about your relationship if you go into the tattoo marking area. A few years ago I saw this advertisement on Craigslist (obviously before they banned personal ads)…

Are you a Dominant male legally named Darren?

Beautiful female TPE slave, 31,

tattooed “Property of Darren” and now released,

ISO Master with same name.  If interested….

I am not sure if this was a real ad or a put-on, but it does illustrate one important point.  Tattoos are permanent. Even laser surgery cannot always flawlessly remove a tattoo. There is a tattoo artist’s myth that a “Property Of…” or a lover’s name tattoo is the kiss of death in a relationship.  I cannot vouch whether this is true or not, but keep it in mind before you do the tattoo thing.

Brandings are even less removable.  Cuttings, too, when rubbed with sand, can also be permanent.  So proceed with caution

On the other hand, there are many non-permanent types of markings.  Given this range of options, marking requires a lot more thought than just about anything else in BDSM.  

When discussing “how far you should go,” the key is the state of your relationship with your slave.  I would think that if the relationship is new, a less permanent marking would be wise. Surely, if you are not at the collaring stage, a “Property of…” type of tattoo is a roll of the dice.  Keep your laser tattoo removal money ready. (Dr. Tattoff, he of the omnipresent billboards, is out of business so you might find it daunting to get that tattoo removed.)

The problem with a less permanent marking is it just might not turn on the Dominant.  It can be argued that a temporary mark like a magic marker or even a light cutting is no mark at all.  To me, the beauty of the mark lies in the commitment it signifies; the sensuality of the mark derives from the level of submission allowing such a mark implies.

From my personal point of view, as a prelude to the “big one” (a tattoo or brand), may I suggest a piercing?  A piercing entails pain and has a submissive component to it. It can contribute mightily to the bonding of a slave to a Master.  The actual piercing can be likened to a ceremony. What follows is a description by a female submissive of her nipple piercing.

Master took me to the piercing parlor.  We looked at all the nipple jewelry in the display case.  Master selected a ten-gauge barbell. It looked so thick my knees got week!  Thank God he is only doing one nipple. We went upstairs and met the piercer; she was female with lots of facial piercings, and I let out a big sigh of relief.  Master told me to take out my breasts and told the piercer he wanted her to do the left one (I wonder how he decided that – “eeny, meeny, miny, mo” perhaps?). She took a magic marker and oh so carefully put a dot on either side of my nipple.  She was a perfectionist and explained that this was so it will be level. She reached into the autoclave and from that point on I shut my eyes tight. Master held my hand. I felt secure with my hand in his. Suddenly, I felt a searing pain that shot through me.  What a rush! It felt like when I go into sub-space but it was sooooo different. “You can open your eyes,” Master said. He led me to a mirror. “You look so beautiful,” Master said. I almost cried. He held me in his arms and I knew that he was my Master. Now and forever.

I started with nipple piercings when I first started with my current sub.  We graduated to tattoos later on. The beauty here is that a piercing is not permanent.  It can be removed and it heals up. But in the above case, I doubt the piercing will ever be removed!

About the Author

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

As BDSM becomes more popular – especially among an edgier, more experimental crowd – the tendency is to try the untried. What is the last frontier?  That changes constantly. For example, today’s accepted tattoos would have gotten you a job in a circus a hundred years ago. Regardless, what still seems “on the cutting edge” is fisting.  The question:

Reader:  Please elaborate on vaginal and anal dilation. I’ve tried fisting before, but I didn’t get very far because of my big hands.

The key word here is “dilation.”  In order to successfully fist — when you have large hands — you must dilate the orifice you want to fist even more than if you had normal hands.  Having large hands – although an asset in basketball – is a definite liability in the sport of fisting.

First of all, unless the woman/man is a natural fistee – or has had prior fisting experience – don’t expect to do a complete fisting right off the bat.  Before you begin, follow this pre-fisting checklist.

Cut and file your nails!  This might seem obvious, but you would be surprised at how many Tops forget this detail.  Personally, if I were fisting my submissive for the very first time, I would get a professional manicure with clear nail polish (the old “Mafia Manicure”!)  And ask the nail tech to cut your nails as short as possible. This applies to males and females. If you are a Domme and want to fist your submissive for the first time, the long nails have got to go!  Fashion and fisting, in this case, do not go well together.

Use latex gloves.  When you fist, you can easily tear internal blood vessels.  The uterus is a great environment for infection; cleanliness is next to Godliness in the world of fisting.  Wash your hands before and after putting on the gloves with a liquid, antibacterial soap.

Don’t use any device that can hamper communication — like a ball gag.   Make sure you have a safe word.  And a safe signal just in case the submissive cannot get the words out.

Don’t only rely solely on a safe word or safe signal.  Be vigilant for any signs that the bottom has had enough. A good top takes into account every factor, not just one or two.

An enema before an anal fisting is a good idea.  But as enemas can wash out natural lubrication, make sure you use tons of lube.  

Don’t forget aftercare.  In the context of fisting, aftercare is very important.

If you are ready t begin, it’s time to get out the industrial drum of lube.  This is a matter of personal preference, and there are many on the market, but I think Astroglide (product placement?) works best.  Don’t be stingy with the lube; use tons of it. Work it inside the orifice to be fisted (that sounds so technical). OK – put it in the bottom’s pussy or asshole and then glob it all over your hand.  Now, go slowly. Carefully dilate the opening. You can even use progressively larger dildos if that is your bent. But the key is to slowly dilate the orifice. Even with your big hands, you should at least be able to get up to the knuckles vaginally.  

Getting past the knuckles is the tricky part.  Relaxation is the key here. Make sure your fist-side manner is such that the fistee relaxes.  Since trust adds to relaxation, you might find you need a few sessions to build up the relaxation/trust aspect of your play.  When you finally get five fingers inside and go past the knuckles, it is time to carefully curl your fingers into a fist. This will occur somewhat automatically.  

Now a word about anal fisting.   How one can stretch the anus to take a fist baffles me, no matter how many times I have seen it done.  The few times I have witnessed anal fisting (I have only been able to do it to one of my subs), it was done by a female with small hands.  

Thus, it is possible that even after assiduously following our advice – go slow, use lots of lube, relax the fistee, don’t expect to do it in one session, etc. – you just might not have the hand size to anally fist a given submissive.  They simply might be too big — just as I am too small to play in the NBA. As Steven Wright has said, “You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Reader: I have a question about how submissiveness and co-dependence coincide. Is there a dilemma between the two? Or are they basically one and the same? Is co-dependency inherently destructive as so many of my vanilla friends say?

Baadmaster: Anti-BDSM forces often use the co-dependency argument in an attempt to make our lifestyle seem deviant or somehow wrong. Deviant we might be; say it loud, “I’m a perv and I’m proud!” There is nothing wrong, as I see it, about co-dependency in any relationship – BDSM or otherwise.

The fact remains that in most human endeavors, we are all co-dependent to one degree or another. I have yet to find a person who can do anything worthwhile alone; we all depend on others for everything from businesses to relationships.  

That being said, the extreme bonding that occurs in most BDSM unions can be construed as co-dependency on a higher level than in your typical vanilla relationship. And that, to me, is not only a good thing, but is also a necessary part of any D/s power exchange. After all, even in play, the submissive must depend on the Dominant to keep the play safe and to make those decisions that ensure a good scene. This technical play co-dependence is matched by an analogous psychological co-dependence in most BDSM relationships.

Ideally, the Dominant makes all of the critical decisions in a D/s union. That, by its very definition, introduces a deep aspect of co-dependency into the relationship. After all, the submissive is depending on the Dominant to steer the ship. Without decisions, the ship will sink. Thus, submissiveness and co-dependence are, duh, co-dependent! You really can’t have one without the other. Thus, the short answer to your question is, “Yes, they are basically one and the same.” I offer as proof the popular slave contract. In this document, often the negotiated cornerstone of a Master/slave relationship, the co-dependency areas of the partnership are very evident. Here is a small excerpt from a typical “slave contract.”

Duties of Slave

Above all, it is the duty of the slave to please.

Personal Duties: Physical/emotional needs of Master, amusement, sexual toy/plaything, physical comfort, obedience, honesty, loyalty, waiting on Master as desired and needed.

Household Duties: Cleaning and keeping the home straightened, laundry, shopping, cooking, run errands as needed.

Responsibilities of the Master

Master shall provide a room for the slave during the period of contract.  This shall either be, at Master’s sole discretion, in the Master’s bedroom or in a separate room.

Master shall pay all utilities.

Master shall provide for slave’s sustenance.

Master shall be responsible for the health of the slave.

Is this not a perfect example of Master/slave co-dependency? In fact, it can be argued that it is the very basis of this type of relationship.

Of course, problems can arise when this co-dependency becomes pathological. Sometimes a submissive can lose his/her ability to function in the world because of a total dependence on the Dominant for virtually everything. This can be especially troubling if the Master releases the slave; he/she might fall apart at the prospect of being alone. There are also instances where a Dom/me diabolically takes advantage of the power exchange. This can lead to rather abusive situations. A third danger is when the co-dependency dwarfs all other parts of the relationship. Co-dependency might be the currency of D/s, but it does present dangers when misused.

These abuses notwithstanding, there is nothing wrong with being dependent on your Dom/me or submissive. Just because the “Dr. Full-Of-It” types look at co-dependency as being bad doesn’t mean it is.  The fact that Master/slave and Dom/sub relationships have a co-dependent foundation is a wonderful thing. After all, would you want a Dom/me whom you could not depend on? Or a submissive who really didn’t need her Dom/me? After all, without co-dependency, we just might be…alone!  

About the Author
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.