negotiation

Resource: BDSM negotiation checklist

March 21, 2016 By Desdemona 1 Comment

BDSM negotiation checklist preview — BDSM negotiation checklist

This is a companion resource to Jenn’s excellent article about BDSM negotiation, and the first in a planned series of free BDSM resources for our readers.

When I was negotiating play with new play partners in the past, I thought I would look for a template online which set out various types of BDSM play so that I could go through and cover all bases by checking things off the list. To my dismay, I couldn’t find anything! Well, nothing good anyway.

So, I went ahead and made one. I have used it as part of negotiation with a number of different play partners now. I find it very handy, and it ensures that neither person “forgets” something that should be discussed – either a hard limit, soft limit, or indeed if something is a fantasy.

It might be overkill to use this for negotiating a short, basic scene for pick-up play at a dungeon. But, if you are planning a longer scene or expect to play with a new someone more than once, then the great thing is you can get everything down on paper and then refer back to it later.

There a few different ways that you can use the checklist. You might print it off and then go through it together as part of a negotiation conversation (either in person or on the phone), making notes on the paper as you go. Or, you could email it to your play partner and have them fill it out and send back to you. I typically stress that they should answer based on what they are ok with doing with me in the immediate future. Which might of course be different to what they are with doing with someone else, or with me at some point further down the road.

Generally, it is most important for a submissive / bottom to be clear on their feelings about the items on the list. And that is for the simple reason that the Dom / top is the one in charge and leading the scene, aren’t likely to cross any of their own limits in the process. However, it could still be useful as an extra element of communication for a Dom / top to also complete this for their play partner. It will help provide a better sense of the types of play that each person likes and is looking for.

Of course, not every possible kind of play is included on the list. I left off some of the more advanced edge play activities, and some more specialized kinks – you might leave those to discuss and plan once you have played a few times. But it’s a pretty good general starting point for BDSM play, and you can tailor it to your own needs from there.

You can find the negotiation checklist here.

Remember, negotiate any play activities well in advance of a scene. Find out about any health issues, limits and triggers you should be aware of. And even your play partner said they are ok with something in a negotiation, they still have the right to change their mind and / or use their safeword at any time.

Do you use a checklist for your negotiation? What do you think about mine? Let me know your comments below.

Writer, photographer, hedonist, Dom. After years of at-home BDSM, Dexx finally embraced the kink community and met many fantastic fellow kinksters in the scene. Along the way, it occurred to him that it would be just super if there was a magazine-style web site which catered to people interested in BDSM, and he recruited some of his friends to help create it.

“Trigger” is just a word

March 15, 2016 By Jenn Masri 4 Comments

So earlier today I was at my local MAsT meeting. Side note: for those that don’t know what this is, it stands for Masters And slaves Together. It is a monthly discussion group focused on the M/s dynamic. Today’s topics were wonderful as always and I could probably write more than one article based on the entire meeting. However, I am going to focus on one part of the discussion that I found very insightful.

The person leading the discussion (not going to name them due to the fact I have not asked permission to do so) said that they didn’t like the word “trigger”. They went on to explain that this is because they’re experience with partners using the word trigger led them to a wall being put up. As in, “Don’t trigger me. That will trigger me and I don’t want to be triggered.” I realized that how I use and view triggers is very different and this was an enlightening moment.
Let me step back for a minute and explain first, that the word trigger can be used to describe something that incites a positive or negative reaction, emotionally and/or psychologically. For the purpose of this article I am using it to describe the negative reactions. An example of this is something like your partner is being silly and grabs your nose. In your past an abusive partner used to grab your nose and squeeze until you couldn’t breathe and it hurt. You have an automatic emotional response. Perhaps you swat your partners hand away and angrily yell at them to stop. Your partner is honestly just trying to be cute and is confused and hurt by your response.

Now – if you use the word trigger to avoid the issue or avoid personal growth, as the MAsT leader was accustomed to experiencing, then perhaps you tell your partner that grabbing your nose is a negative trigger and to never do it again. While this may lead to never being triggered in that way again, it doesn’t actually contribute to resolving it. It also doesn’t let your current partner “in”. You are putting up a wall instead.

Instead of treating triggers this way, I suggest using it more as a cue word. By the way, this issue was not an issue of disagreement during the discussion. Only the fact that I disagreed that the word “trigger” itself isn’t bad, it’s the way you use it.

So to use it as a cue, given the same example of the nose grabbing, here is how that might look different. You have the initial emotional reaction – because much of the time when a trigger is unexpected you don’t have much control over that piece. However, the initial response is followed by an open dialogue, transparent communication. A good place to start is by assuring your partner that your response had nothing to do with them, that it was a trigger and they did nothing wrong. The next step is explaining why it’s a trigger, opening up about your history, letting them understand what just happened. The next thing to do is to discuss the level of the trigger and how, or if, you can resolve the trigger.

It’s ok to have steps toward eliminating a trigger and it’s ok if it takes a little time, especially if it’s a strong trigger. It may take an initial period of avoidance followed by small, slow, trigger initiation until you get to the point that the emotional reaction becomes less and less and eventually becomes neutral – perhaps even positive. Your partner assuring you that their intention is positive and nothing to do with your past experiences.

Keep in mind I am giving a very general example of the process. This will need to be customized to your situation. The main point is that triggers shouldn’t be ignored and avoided. The word “trigger” should be seen as a cue that you need to sit down with your partner and work as a team to grow, connect, and hopefully overcome some of the negativity of your past.

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

Submissive Dilemma

March 15, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

When speaking to relatively new submissives, I have found that many have been introduced to the lifestyle, or at least some of it, via “Fifty Shades.” And with a sequel in the works, chances are many more will be.

Most subs have questions regarding the “slave contract” portion of the movie. Although, in the movie, a contract is offered rather suddenly, with little explanation of exactly what it was (I guess if you have a helicopter, explanations are not required!), the submissives I interviewed wondered exactly what the slave contract procedures – or protocols — are. Time for a little clarification.

The confusion usually arises when a sub initially makes contact with a prospective Dom/Domme. We usually refer to this initial stage as “negotiation.” Typically, the prospective Dom and sub (no more Dom/Domme and he/she; it’s too hard on the eyes!) discuss their BDSM interests, play preferences, hard and soft limits, needs and requirements, etc. It is during these initial stages that a predicament hits many submissives. “Isn’t strongly stating my needs and requirements ‘Topping from the bottom?’” Fear of “Topping from the Bottom” (to be explained in a subsequent article) has stopped many a sub from firmly stating her needs and requirements to a prospective Dominant. What to do?

The answer is actually quite simple and elegant. To put it into a pithy sound bite, “During negotiations, you can’t ‘Top from the bottom’ because you are not yet his bottom.” Even if you are his play bottom, you are not yet his slave so all bets are off negotiation-wise. At this point, you are two equals negotiating a power exchange. The submissive has not ceded any permanent power to the Dominant. Until negotiations are concluded successfully, no power has been exchanged. Pending signing the slave contract, the submissive is free to be as hard-headed a negotiator as LeBron James’s agent.

Another dilemma concerns the timing of slave contracts. While I am a firm believer in slave contracts (there are sample contracts in a previous Kink Weekly article), I found it a bit odd that the fictional Christian bum-rushed his prospective slave into a permanent one. In my universe, a permanent contract – as opposed to a temporary and/or play contract — is usually presented to a slave well after the D/s relationship has started and negotiations concluded; anywhere from two to six months is most common.

Our last dilemma concerns what to do about a slave contract that bears little resemblance to that which you negotiated. Ideally, after negotiations, the “final” contract should not have any surprises. But if the contract demands things you hadn’t consented to, violates your stated hard limits or bears no correlation to protocols you have previously negotiated, this speaks badly of his skills as a Dominant. In this case, you should simply reconsider signing. After all, a contract must be one that you can honor. Signing a contract that you cannot possibly live up to is a prescription for failure.

On the other hand, if there are a few points in the contract – ones you might have agreed to but now have second thoughts about — you must discuss them. Suffering silently is never a good strategy. A good Master will likely amend it if he feels it is in the interest of the relationship.

Every D/s relationship is different; there are no hard and fast rules. In fact, there is no decree that says the contract must be prepared by the Dominant. I personally know a Master who had his slave write her own deed. Is this “Topping from the bottom?” Maybe, maybe not. But who cares, other than the two people involved? The key is to never let protocol get in the way of communication.

Slave contacts can be sexy and exciting, and can build a strong foundation for a great BDSM relationship. Ultimately, honest communication between Master and slave is the best way to conduct any relationship.

By Baadmaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Negotiating a BDSM scene

October 12, 2015 By Jenn Masri 10 Comments

SAFE, SANE, AND CONSENSUAL – we hear this all the time, but what does it mean? I want to take this opportunity to discuss a portion of this, which is the ‘consensual’ portion. One way to make sure that what you’re doing is consensual is to negotiate.

Negotiating tends to get easier the more you do it. In addition, as you play you will learn more about yourself including more things you need to include when you negotiate a scene. (Negotiating a relationship or D/s dynamic is a whole separate article.) The conundrum is that while you want to cover important things when you negotiate, you also don’t want to negotiate the scene to death. Many scenes are about an exchange of energy and may include elements that the top/D-type doesn’t want to necessarily divulge to the bottom/s-type. This is true especially for players that know each other well, are regular play partners, or in a dynamic/relationship. The negotiation I’m focusing on is the “newbie negotiation”. Assuming you are fairly new to kink or new to your partner, or both. Below is an easy way to remember what should be covered and descriptions for each element.

As I have been teaching the BDSM 101 series I have gone over what should be covered (in general) when negotiating play almost every week. I decided to come up with an easy to remember acronym. They are not necessarily in order of importance, but I had to make it into a “word”!

Negotiation Acronym: S.M.A.S.H.T.

An easy way to remember the basic things that should be covered in a negotiation for play.

S – Safewords
M – Medical
A – Aftercare
S – Soft Limits
H – Hard Limits
T – Triggers

Safewords – sometimes it’s not enough to just agree that the typical “stoplight” system be used (note: if you are using other safewords and playing at a public club, be sure to inform a Dungeon Monitor). “Green” means it’s all good and you are enjoying what’s happening. Most people don’t actually shout “green”! Although that may be kinda funny! Usually giggles or moans are good indicators. “Red” is also pretty straightforward. It means you STOP. Stop whatever is happening and immediately check in with the bottom. I have found that people’s understanding or expectation of “yellow” can vary. It’s important to make sure you are on the same page. If the bottom expects the top to simply “lighten up” when they call yellow but the top assumes they should stop and check in (similar to a red with perhaps less urgency) – this may affect the bottoms head space. The bottom should tell the top during negotiation that, “if I call yellow it just means you’re going too hard but don’t stop and talk to me because it will interrupt my head space.”

Medical – not just obvious things like surgeries, joint issues, injuries, etc, but also things like asthma, blood sugar issues, or allergies. Allergies can be food related but also if they have any allergy to natural fiber, you may need to double think about the type of rope you’re using (if any) or if other toys have been stored with rope that can cause a reaction. Also, if there are animal allergies and you have toys made with any kind of fur, etc.

Aftercare – this varies from person to person and possibly scene to scene with the same person. Some people enjoy close snuggling or putting their head in the tops lap while others may need some time alone or to not be touched. (side note – even if they ask to be left alone they should always be somewhere that you can keep an eye on them) Always have water at the ready for both parties and food may be desired as well. If you know you need to eat right after, I suggest having something that you bring so that you are not relying on the club to have food once you’re done playing. Even just throwing a protein bar in your bag is a good back up.

Soft limits – this refers to limits that the bottom isn’t interested in or has concerns about, but are willing to try them or push. This may also include activities that the bottom knows they don’t like, however, is willing to do them from a place of service or submission.

Hard limits – limits that are a no go. Not happening. Nope.

Triggers – psychological or emotional responses that can affect the scene (usually negatively). These can be body positions, for example the bottom may be fine on a cross but if they are bent over furniture it makes them feel too vulnerable or exposed. It can also remind them of childhood punishments and cause a negative response. Verbal triggers, often in the use of humiliation and/or degradation play. The bottom may not be ok with any “negative” talk – only affirmations or positive feedback. They may also be ok with some types of humiliation but not others. For example sexual humiliation is ok but don’t call them anything negative in reference to their intelligence or weight. Certain implements can trigger someone. Perhaps as a child they were hit with a belt as punishment. For some they may seek out belts for impact due to this experience OR it may become a negative trigger/reminder. Particular parts of the body is something else to consider. You can have a bottom who is a heavy masochist that you can do almost anything to…..except don’t touch their feet! (for example) Maybe you have to stay away from face slapping due to it triggering memories of past abuse, or their stomach due to insecurities, etc.

All of the above should be discussed with concern for both parties. The top may have medical issues or triggers that the bottom should be aware of, both should be on the same page as far as safewords and limits, and the top may have their own requests for aftercare!

Also, make sure you understand the intention of the scene. I know two people that did a full negotiation – listed all the things they both liked – then as they began, realized they BOTH assumed they were the Top! Decide together if this is more of a casual, teaching scene. Perhaps one or both of you are looking for experience but not necessarily power exchange. Do you want it to have a certain energy? Energy of the scene isn’t always something you can control, and in my opinion it’s usually best when you don’t try to, however, if one person is looking for a very sensual energy and the other desires a more strict and disciplined energy that’s good to know up front.

You may need to add to this depending on the type of play or intensity of the scene – but this should cover all your basics.

I hope this helps!

What do you think is important in negotiating a scene?

negotiation

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