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How To Start Your BDSM Journey

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Once again the question unintentionally revolves around Covid-19. At first, I wanted to keep the questions strictly on D/s and BDSM. But it seems the less you talk about it, the more it dominates our thought processes – like the elephant in the room. So, even though the following question is really about BDSM and not about the virus, it really is. Or something like that. So here goes!

Reader: My husband and I are in a long-term vanilla relationship. But recently, with these new “stay at home” directives, we spend a lot more time together, so we both want to include BDSM play in our lives. Do you have any starting points, pointers, or references for us?

Good news! My personal experience is that BDSM relationships have the longest lifespan when vanillapartners discover this lifestyle together. This is especially true if the duo is entering the BDSM world while still in a fulfilling relationship. So if my “polling data” is correct, this move bodes well for you. Now, how do you start? Simple…

First, read kinkweekly.com (plug, plug) – and the archives — to get a sense of the BDSM verbiage and other basics. Once you know the ropes, everything will seem that much easier.

Second, determine who is the Dominant and who is the submissive. If you are lucky, hubby will go one way, and you will go the other way. If you both want to be Tops or both want to be bottoms, we are going to have some trouble. The easiest way to find out what you are (if you don’t already know) is to talk about what turns each of you on. Surely your desire to add BDSM to your activities did not come out of the blue. Likely you both have concepts if what BDSM is about and how you want to integrate it into your lives. You are probably more semi-vanilla than straight vanilla.

I would suggest you take the activity that turns you both on the most and plan out your first “scene” together. What follows is my suggestion for a good way to get into BDSM play. This scene uses easy-to-find, inexpensive BDSM implements, does not require extensive BDSM furniture and is fun and easy to do! And it entails light rope bondage and cropping which are among the most popular BDSM activities of all.

First, pick your safeword. “Red” is the default safeword. Then, get some rope available at any Home Depot kind of store. And most are open. (Don’t forget your mask!) Make sure it is soft but strong. Get a riding crop with a large flat end. (Not the thin cropping end, as those tend to sting a lot). Crops are available at adult websites and should cost no more than forty bucks. Have the submissive lie face down. Tie up the hands and feet (not too tight until you get some experience under your belt!)

Then crop the submissive’s butt. Use light and soft strokes. Do not assume the lack of a safeword gives you the right to flail away. The butt should be reddened, but avoid any marking at this point. As you are man and wife, it is unlikely the Top here would want any harm to come to the submissive partner. I would give a ten to fifteen minute cropping to start. Then comfort (“aftercare”) and untie the submissive. This is just one suggestion; whatever you do keep your entry scene simple and safe.

Here is where my constant reminder to communicate comes in. Do not forget to discuss the scene you just did; I think this is a great way to begin.
I might add that, although this article might be a bit too “beginnerish” for most of you, if the pandemic continues much longer, I might need a refresher course. After all, it’s hard to hone your skills “playing in an empty dungeon”!

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Nesting Partner Doesn’t Always Win

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poly family, ethical non-monogamy
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We live in interesting times, which happens to be less than awesome for most of us.  We’re experiencing levels of anxiety and stress that our bodies may not be accustomed to.  We have uncertainty and fear, and some days it is a struggle for us to accomplish basic tasks.

What then of kink?  And non-nesting partners?  Is there any space for that in all of this?

I believe there is, but it can be difficult to achieve the head space for the first, or to have the additional energy required for the second. 

Having relationships requires energy.  We give up some of our energy reserves in order to invest in getting to know others or hearing about how their lives are.  When we have high stress levels and we are hearing about high stress from partners, it can be a challenge to keep our heads above water. 

Someone who does not live with a shared partner may be experiencing some feelings of jealousy or loss right now.  It may seem desirable to have someone there for comfort, but we don’t always account for how these emotions can affect a relationship.  It can be an odd shift to consider that partners who do not live together may have an easier time scheduling time for the fun things than those who do.

Partners at home have to push through those pulls of life, like dishes and children, dogs and laundry, and the little frustrations that pile up on any given day.  We may have planned to do fun kinky things together, but the odds are good that when the time comes, one or both of us will be too tired to scrape up the interest.  Because outside partners are getting a specifically scheduled time, energy is often fresh when they meet up.  This means the likelihood of them being able to follow through with the fun kinky things is much higher.  Watching that partner get the thing that is desired but rarely received can create feelings of inequity in a nesting partner, particularly one who does the laundry and finds oneself hanging the now-clean rope to dry that was likely used on a meta’s crotch. 

What is the solution, though?  Understanding the issue doesn’t make energy suddenly appear from nowhere, or stir up desire that has been tamped down by stress and fear.  Perhaps the way to solve feelings of inequity in this area can be to schedule with nesting partners the way we schedule with partners outside of the home.  When we were used to making kink time together by going out to a dungeon before, that option no longer exists, at least not in a way we personally feel is safe. 

Perhaps reaching out to our local dungeon owners whose properties sit empty of patrons, monthly rent continuing to rack up, would be happy to allow a pair of patrons to borrow their location and equipment for an hour for a special night out.  Perhaps, as a friend of our suggested, creatively scheduling an exotic meal out, by exploring recipes or takeout from a particular culture, creating ambiance with sounds or music from the same culture, and dining in Paris for a night before getting one’s kink on might be just the right touch. 

It is important that we explore creative options to continue to show the people we love they are special.  It isn’t always enough to just be the stressed out warm body in bed with them at night.  At some point, this life of fear and uncertainty has to end, and it is the goal that our relationships haven’t ended before that.

Christmas bunny has been exploring kink since she was legal to do so.  Her serious writing started in college, where she accidently got some of her papers published in educational journals.  She has recently expanded her writing to include her kink journey.  She began writing in the physical realm, but shed some of her inhibitions and began sharing those entries with others.  She now keeps an active blog of her personal growth and her relationship with her Master / Daddy Dominant and writes helpful educational posts on a variety of subjects.

BDSM Doesn’t Always Mean Safe

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handcuffs, sex on the bed
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There are a LOT of “shoulds” in this world.

We should be able to walk unmolested.
We should be able to post pics and not get rude comments.
We should be able to go to a kink event and not have our consent violated.
We should…a million things.

People shouldn’t steal or lie either; but I busted 350 people stealing from grocery stores in three years and every fuckin’ one of ’em lied to my face. Repeatedly. I came to expect it, and learned not to believe a word out of anyone’s mouth. I have often said I’m so jaded the Chinese want to mine my soul. It comes from a tough upbringing. Not as bad as some, mind you. I’ll never say mine is worse than someone else’s. But tough enough that my opinions and attitudes are sometimes very hard-boiled.

I don’t live in the land of “should”.

I live in a world of reality and recognize that all those “should” moments depend entirely on the morals and ethics of another person. I know that if people are given the opportunity and think they’ll get away with it, they’ll do it. Whatever “it” is.

And that is a crying shame.

We know we can NOT depend on the morals and ethics of the other person in this new world of identity theft and cyberbullying. We live in a world where someone is assaulted somewhere every minute of every day and all we have to do is look at the news to see today’s version of the same story.

I lived in a town where a woman did NOT walk by herself after dark, and we drove with our doors locked long before the word car-jacking was coined. The neighborhood was irrelevant. They were all equally dangerous.

In some instances, just having your eyes down and looking afraid marked you as an easy victim and you’d get the piss pounded outta you. People make so much about subs lowering their eyes out of respect…but where I came from, that meant the opposite and could get you put in the hospital, if not killed. A kid was killed a block from my home, when a group of other kids crushed his head with a cinderblock.

I lived in a place where you had to be careful what color bandanna you had in your back pocket. Each color meant a different street gang, and having the wrong one on your head while walking on the wrong street would get you put in the hospital. Or killed.

These were very real things I lived with every day. Crips, Bloods, Ffolks, several others whose names I can’t recall now. There were so many gangs that a gang task force was created. What horrid place was this? Itty Bitty Toledo, Ohio…in the 80s and 90s.

Now I live in New York City. There are areas I’m not going to be going to alone at night, regardless whether or not I “should” be able to. Moving here didn’t suddenly make me stupid. “Should” doesn’t exist. But I do feel safe enough that I can walk home alone at 3am after the party if I need to. 

I have never lived in the land of “should” but in a world of “be smart and watch out for yourself.” I have always lived in a world in which my safety was directly put into my own hands and taking chances could easily end up badly. I learned to recognize the dangers and take the appropriate course to mitigate them. Dare I say it? I take personal responsibility for my own safety. It’s not up to anyone else to keep me safe.

I keep myself safe.

Do I live in fear? Nope. I’m not afraid of anyone. My x took care of that the night he held me prisoner with that sword. I just don’t trust them. I don’t trust them with my life, my hide, by backpack full of toys. I make the decisions appropriate to each situation, whether the decision is to take action or step back out of sight.

Being into BDSM doesn’t mean everyone suddenly got a shot of perfect morality and is absolutely trustworthy. Far from it. People will steal a toy left unattended. I couldn’t tell you how many “missing/stolen item” threads I’ve seen over the years. How many “he touched me” and “he/she didn’t stop when I said stop” threads have we seen?

Should people steal the toy? No. They “should” turn it in to the event promoter so it can find its rightful home. That’s the ethical choice. But there are those who will steal the paddle, steal the whip, steal the flogger. They’ll do it and not think twice.

Should people not touch? Of course they should not touch if they haven’t asked/don’t have permission. But they do.

I don’t live afraid. I live alert and vigilant and take into my own safety into my own hands rather than counting on the morals and ethics of strangers. I live ready to take action and assert myself if needs be.

If you’re expecting everyone to have perfect morals, because BDSM, you’re going to be extremely disappointed. 

You’re going to get yourself hurt.

TylerRose. is known as Dame Tyler in the NYC public SM/Fetish scene. She is an award-winning author who has written two “lifestyle”, four cartoon, and twentysomething fiction books.

Read her books on her Amazon page — https://www.amazon.com/TylerRose./e/B00HCPLSP2

You can also find more of her OP/ED work in Fetlife: https://fetlife.com/users/305828

She enjoys crocheting and baking, and will no doubt die with a thesaurus open on her thigh.

This week in kink: August 31, 2020

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We have all had to adjust during the pandemic including dungeons and clubs.

Below Liverpool Echo explains how Townhouse Swingers, a swingers’ club in Birkenhead, has adjusted their protocols to fit with the current times.

Society is becoming more and more digital as the quaratine goes on.

Check out KinkVR and see if it’s right for you on your kink journey. Click below to learn all about the pros, cons, and cost from the daily dot!

https://www.dailydot.com/nsfw/reviews/kink-vr/

Consent is everything when it comes to human interaction.

With this being said, the new Domestic Abuse Bill passed in the UK states that “consent can never justify grievous or actual bodily harm, even if it was perpetrated for the purposes of sexual gratification.”

Since some BDSM involves consensual instances of the above, this bill has some members of the BDSM Community experiencing negative reactions/concerns regarding the bill.

Click below to read more from Vice!

https://www.vice.com/en_uk/article/xg87v3/the-bdsm-community-is-worried-about-changes-to-the-domestic-abuse-bill

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Video: What BDSM Can Teach Us About Explicit Consent In The Workplace

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What can BDSM teach us about explicit consent in the workplace? | Megan Bloomer | TEDxSanJuanIsland

Don’t miss Megan Bloomer’s insightful lecture on how kink negotiation techniques can be used to gain a better understanding of consent and the art of saying “No” at work.

Despite BDSM still being heavily stigmatized, Megan shows the important values that the Kink Community can bring to all areas of life including the workplace.

Consent is sexy! This video is a must watch!

This week in kink: August 17, 2020

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Everyones needs some sort of aftercare when engaging in kinky fun. Jenni Skyler, PhD, explains the importance of aftercare in this riveting article, and gives readers some great aftercate ideas.

A must-read for newbies and veterans alike!

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a33397578/bdsm-aftercare/

Don’t miss the new erotic, melodrama Little Birds that explores sexual fantasy, domination, and feminism. We are elated that BDSM is further being incorporated into modern media. We hope this will keep happening to normalize everything kink, queer, and alternative.

The series is based on short stories written by Anaïs Nin.

Be sure to check it out!

https://www.metro.news/trends-skys-sexiest-drama-yet-takes-in-juno-temple-a-moroccan-dominatrix-and-1940s-erotica/2101913/

Amanda Chatel gives a great list of pornsites that focus on female pleasure.

Learn to think of erotica through a new lens by reading this insightful article.

For a long time, our society has been focused solely on male pleasure. It’s time to shake things up!

To learn more, click below.

Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to kinkweekly@gmail.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink.”

Video: Negotiating Boundaries & Limits In D/s Relationships

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In this video, Veronica Yahns steps through the five areas you should talk through when negotiating a D/s relationship with your partner.

“So, you’ve talked to your partner and they’ve said ‘yes’ to exploring a Dominant / submissive relationship dynamic with you. Hooray! But… what now?”

Find the answer to this and much more in this helpful video!

Integrity – the Key to Trust in Kink Relationships

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01_eve_marieEve Marie shot by Danny Stygion

To reach the most potent depths of power-exchange requires the highest level of personal integrity.

Aspiring to the highest level of integrity is critical to deepening trust and connection with a partner. I define integrity as having the intention and commitment to be responsible, accountable, risk-aware, actively listening, transparent, honest, and present.

It means telling the truth, starting with what you want…and what you don’t. Unwavering respect of boundaries is critical in power-exchange dynamics.

Clear, transparent, and fair negotiation with your partners should be standard procedure. Knowing proper techniques, risk/safety factors for your style of engagement, and the toys or tools involved, goes without saying.

Encouragement, discussion, and compassionate support of your partner, as well as yourself, before and after scenes, is a golden practice.

Adhering to these types of practices and principles builds the foundation for an ongoing and deepening exploration. This level of safety and trust offers the possibility of engaging and sharing our most protected and vulnerable erotic depths with our partners.

While this can seem a complex effort overall, the fundamentals of consciously engaging and exploring your Eros with integrity are easy to develop and learn as a practice.

The most important aspect is to have the clear intention to aspire to the highest level of integrity.

Here are 4 Tips to up the integrity, trust, and connection level in your power- exchange engagements.

  1. Negotiate Thoroughly

The potential for misunderstandings, perceived or actual consent violations, resentment, mistrust, or emotional/physical harm are excessive when there has not been a clear negotiation. I would discourage ever engaging in D/s-BDSM with someone you just hooked-up with, or even your own partner, if you have not already come to complete, conscious agreement on all fronts before the scene begins.

The point is to feel empowered, connected, and exhilarated after engaging your deepest desires, not wounded or disconnected.

Start the negotiation with the intention to make a deep, heart-felt, human-to-human connection before you enter into any level of D/s-BDSM. The foundation for exploring these powerful depths of our sexual desires is trust, whether for a one-time scene or long-term connection. Each side needs to know they are ultimately cared for while revealing and expressing vulnerable and often scary parts of their sexual desire.

Conduct your negotiation in the most honest, transparent, and revealing  manner possible. Be clear, direct, and thorough. All partners should share in full equality, voice, and advocacy for what they want and do not want at this stage of the journey.

  1. Intention, Pace, Trust

Be clear about intention. It is important to clarify your intentions, boundaries, and expectations beyond the initial encounter for yourself and your partner. If you want to enter the encounter as a one-off with no expectations afterwards, state that clearly right off the bat.

Make sure your partner understands your intention. Press for a direct response that they understand and agree.

Hold your boundaries firmly if a potential partner says they are looking for casual only, and you seek more, and vice versa.

Discuss clearly what may be involved in an initial engagement with your partner in terms of props, toys, roles, and intensities. Get clear about safe sex practices to maintain and sexual history.

Start slow and keep it simple if you are just beginning. Get clarity about options for what to do if something unexpected comes up during the engagement. This would include usage and agreement on safe-words.

Some issues that may arise as you engage may just need you to pause and check in with each other, and then continue. Others may require you to come to a complete stop, and check in about what has come up and/or what one or the other needs most in that moment.

Sometimes, even with clear negotiations, there are things that can present unexpectedly. The best thing to do in these situations is to breath, stay calm, shift to full compassion, and care for the partner needing support. These will likely be rare, if ever occurrences, with proper preparation. Furthermore, considering them in the initial negotiation builds trust, which will most likely reduce the likelihood of these occurrences even further.

  1. Understand and Allow the Paradox

The nature or essence of the dynamic in D/s-BDSM is power-exchange.

One takes control, one surrenders for an agreed upon time. This exchange is inevitably both sacred and profane in its nature. There is a noble (D/s) and a taboo (BDSM) context that is occurring simultaneously.

It is very important to understand the distinction between the two, and how both are engaged during a D/s-BDSM encounter.

Embracing either Dominant or submissive role in this kind of dynamic can bring one in touch with deep-seated instinctual, historical, mythic, and/or archetypal aspects of the collective human experience. These are mythic themes and sensibilities that have been part of human theater, epic mythical tales, and cultural cosmologies for thousands of years.

It is not just the physical sensations and sex that are compelling in D/s-BDSM. It is also the intoxication of the sacred ritual of regal power and devotional surrender, and the primal instincts of being devoured or ravaging another.

  1. Time and Space

I recommend you set aside a minimum of 2 hours to immerse yourselves in this compelling personification of your erotic nature.

You might find you could easily go 3 to 5 hours or more. Some scenes can be designed to go for an entire weekend or more.

Before you engage your partner, take time to prepare yourself by getting present, clear in intention, and embodied in whatever way works for you.

Take care in preparing the space you will engage in. Bring in ambiance of light, sound, texture, aromas, and all that sets the right tone for the way in which you and your partner wish to journey. Make this a sacred space, whatever that might mean to you.

Also, prepare in advance a good aftercare plan that includes access to emotional support if needed. This applies to both the dominant and submissive. Moving deeper into your authentic, sexual desires is an opportunity to both be empowered and to heal if these steps are followed.

In conclusion, the key to coming to terms with our sexuality and creating healthy power-exchange dynamics, is to learn how to express and experience our desires safely, honorably, and consciously, in a way that aligns with the integrity in our agreements we make with ourselves and others, and that encompasses our core values.

We must also compassionately examine and resolve the unconscious concerning powerful, negative cultural messages we’ve internalized about our sexuality and ourselves. That is why this is both an empowering and healing journey.

One short article cannot cover all the important considerations of exploring your Fetishsexuality or Kink desires, but I hope this gives you a starting point to launch your own journey into the depths of your sexuality, and aids you in building your dynamics.

About Galen Fous MTP 

Kink-Positive Therapist, Author, Educator & Sex Researcher

Galen regularly speaks at universities, grad schools and conferences about sexuality and Kink. He offers AASECT and APA approved CE classes for therapists on various accredited online educational platforms.  His research focuses on understanding the unconscious psychological dynamics of Kink, Fetish and D/s-BDSM sexuality. Galen Has a Masters in Transpersonal Psychology from ITP.

He works with clients within a Transpersonal psychology framework that helps individuals and couples get honest, shame-free and confident in expressing their authentic sexuality. Galen helps clients shift from compulsive, dishonest, risky sexual behaviors to negotiated, consensual authentic sexual practices.  This framework includes resolving the embedded fear, shame and judgments entangling one’s desire.

An important component of his research into the nature of Fetishsexual and Kink desire is the development of the Discover Your Personal Erotic Myth Survey.   ( http://galenfous.com/pem ) This ground-breaking and ongoing research survey with over 4000 participants so far, is the first study that begins to document the mythic archetypal aspects of Fetishsexuality by mapping of the sexual unconscious.

Galen’s latest book, “Decoding Your Kink – Guide to Explore, Share and Enjoy Your Wildest Sexual Desires” has been praised by sexual psychologists and educators as “Visionary …Masterful …Groundbreaking …Cutting Edge…Worth its Weight in Diamonds … Highly Recommended…A Must Read!”  He is also the author of “The Sharp Edge of Love – Extreme Sex, Mythic Passion, Primal Intensity.  Learn more at http://galenfous.com

In 2000, he introduced the world renowned Tetruss Shibari Suspension-Bondage Rig, Portable Dungeon, and Sex Swing, the world’s most versatile adult toy. (http://Tetruss.com)

Why It Broke

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hooper-glory-103Dirk Hooper Professional Photography-http://www.DirkHooper.com

I know now why my marriage was a short one. Time and distance have given me insight. I was naïve; I thought love was solely sacrifice. I thought love was staying even when things weren’t okay. Most of all, I thought that love, once promised, could never be revoked. I truly believed I had no right to renegotiate my relationship. How could I end something that had endured so much? Wasn’t our growing hardship proof that the relationship was strong?

I hadn’t figured out yet that we were trapped in an unnegotiated state of codependence. I hadn’t realized that not only were my needs not being met; neither were hers.

You might be asking yourself, why the hell is she giving me her life story right now? What does this have to do with me? Well…everything, actually.

In the Vanilla World, it’s commonplace to see relationships fail for the same reasons mine did. A lot of things fall to the wayside when you’re trying to live out the “forever and always” fantasy. A healthy marriage was one concept I never got to discuss until it was too late. Ironically, about 1/3 of the people I’ve met in the scene are also divorced, and it got me wondering why. Is it truly coincidence, or is there something more to this?

Three things that killed my marriage were lying by omission, codependency, and fear. I’ve noticed that in the scene, there’s a lot less of these things going on. I mean, it certainly happens, and no relationship is perfect, but being a part of the Kink Community is such a vast improvement. People express themselves without fear of judgement. Polyamory is more commonplace than monogamy, which I find leads to more openness and less jealousy overall. Relationships are directly negotiated, sometimes in contract form. In my opinion, all of these actions/attributes lead to healthier relationships and individuals. In the following paragraphs, I will explain why.

Lying by Omission

Many vanilla relationships have a “sweep it under the rug” attitude that can lead to resentment and dissatisfaction. The refusal to discuss the hard stuff has a damning effect on the relationship. Things go unsaid that need to be said, and secrets start to take root. It may be easier in the short run to conceal feelings of discomfort, resentment, and fear, but the only way for a relationship to healthily work long-term is if all partners are willing to be transparent with each other. In the Kink World, how we play and the type of dynamics we form require extra trust and communication. There’s so much more at risk for us if we make a mistake or treat our partners carelessly (due to a lot of us engaging in more extreme forms of play and relationships that can have serious physical, emotional, and mental consequences if not handled properly). As a result, most BDSM/Kink relationships practice more open communication and negotiation than their vanilla counterparts.

Codependency

Poor boundaries and an unwillingness to take responsibility for your own emotional state equal one horribly codependent relationship. In my opinion, any partnership that doesn’t encourage each person to take responsibility for their own emotional wellbeing is a flawed one. For example, jealousy is often dealt with by one partner placing restrictions on the other. Not only does this erode trust over time, but it also creates tension and irritation that can shatter a brittle relationship. Taking personal responsibility means addressing where those feelings of jealousy come from, and not assigning blame or micromanaging your partner because they arose. Codependency takes many forms-from overly relying on your partner like a crutch to being utterly unwilling to let them lead a life of their own. While the Kink Community is not immune to enmeshment and codependent behavior, because we spend so much time practicing our negotiation skills, there is more opportunity for us to state our needs and to reflect on what’s going on internally. Debriefing after a scene is a perfect example of this behavior. And hey, at the very least, if somebody is micromanaging their partner’s personal life, it was pre-negotiated and consented to (if one is practicing BDSM/Kink healthily and safely of course)!

Fear

True love cannot survive if you are acting out of fear and suspicion. Fear of being abandoned is a huge reason why most people stay in unhealthy situations. Even fear of what your partner might do if you leave can shape whether or not you feel safe stepping away from a harmful relationship. When leaving isn’t on the table anymore…everything else is. Who knows what you’ll have to endure if walking away isn’t an option? It’s a horrible way to lose somebody, and this slow death was what ultimately killed my relationship. It was an act of love when I finally said goodbye. I no longer had to force myself to settle for vanilla sex. I no longer had to be somebody I wasn’t just to make things “work”. That’s the real reason why so many of us in the scene ended up here after a divorce. Fear kept us in the closet. Self-love unlocked the door.

In the end, the reason there are so many people who’ve experienced divorce in the scene is because we are a culture of pioneers who value consent and transparency. It takes a hell of a lot of strength to admit you’re into kink to begin with, and it also takes a hell of a lot of strength to walk away from a relationship that isn’t working anymore. Love shouldn’t be compulsory, ever. It shouldn’t just happen without conversation, and serious commitments need to be looked at very closely before they’re entered into. We might be a group of eccentrics, but we sure know how to communicate. Maybe the Vanilla World should take a page out of our book. Who knows? Maybe then the divorce rate would go down. Until then, for all of you readers out there who’ve been through a vanilla breakup…welcome home. The Kink Community is happy to have you.

About the Author:

Eden studied Creative Writing and Theater at one of the many Cal State Universities. She is a self-identified poly queer woman who draws on her experiences as a submissive to talk about various issues and hot-topics in the Kink Community. She hopes that her writings will reach other new people in the scene to let them know they are not alone. If you’d like to contact Eden, please feel free to look her up on Fetlife under the handle little_miss_eden.

Rules

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evaMistress Eva with sub
https://www.youwillpleaseme.com/

From time to time, I respond to submitted BDSM questions whose answers might help some of our readers. Here is one that I found fascinating; and though it is written by a female submissive, my answer should apply to male subs too.…

“I am a relatively new female submissive. A potential Master I met gave me a complicated list of rules he wants me to follow. The prospect of following them is very scary to me. What should I do?”

The first thing you must understand is that every Dominant – and every submissive – is different. We might all be learning from similar playbooks, but all of us pick and choose different paths and preferences. There are high protocol and low protocol Dom/mes and subs, weekend and 24/7 practitioners, switches and fetishists. Before you choose a Dominant, it would be best to familiarize yourself with all these different possibilities.

When you first meet a Dominant, even if you like him, you really owe him nothing — other than respect and honesty. Technically, until you decide to enter into some sort of D/s arrangement, you are a free agent. And so is he. Thus, when he sends you a long list of rules he wants you to follow, you are not compelled to obey them immediately. You are still in the “negotiations” phase. This is really a two part discovery process. The first is to find out if you actually like each other. This can border on vanilla considerations; but, human concerns are always critical in any relationship, BDSM or otherwise. After you determine that you like him – or you discover you want him only as a play partner — then you should enter into the “lifestyle negotiations” phase, of which his rules are but one aspect.

The great advantage of BDSM relationships – if you do them “by the book” and don’t skip the negotiations phase – is that all aspects of your interactions are up for discussion.  Whether it is your Dom’s rulebook, play, pain, fetishes, sex, polyamory, hard & soft limits or levels of protocol, nothing – other than agreeing on a safe word — should be off the table. The key is that these discussions should be as complete and wide-ranging as possible. In your case, his rules are the first thing, but not the only thing, to be talked about.

Before you discuss the list with him, I suggest (my opinion) you examine it and separate the rules into three categories. One should be those rules you actually like. For example, a popular rule that many subs love is that the submissive gives oral sex on demand. The next group would include those rules you don’t find overly objectionable. For example, asking permission to cum can be a pain for many submissives, but few would consider this a deal breaker. Then you must list those which are hard limits. This often happens when a low protocol sub meets a high protocol Dominant who might require her/him to ask permission to go the bathroom – even when at work.

Once you have these categories firmly in mind, you should ask this Dom whether “category three” rules are negotiable or not. If he refuses, and there are lots of “hard limit” rules in the list, he simply might not be the Dominant for you. If, on the other hand, he is willing to bend his rules a bit, then you can start to get a handle whether this will work. Don’t expect him to tailor his protocols to completely satisfy you. After all, who is the Dom here? But, if you are cool with a lot of his rules, and he is willing to change some before finalizing them, then all might be fine.

The key in all relationships, as stated here ad nauseam, is communication. Your Master’s list can be a good jump-off point to see where you both stand. Plus, after the rules are finalized, you will find that having them in place can be the cornerstone of a great union.

Remember, his list is not an ending, but merely a beginning!

About the Author:

After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.