Will Hunt

What Is Sex Even For?

September 1, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

What is sex even for?

Everything in the world is about sex, except sex. Sex is about power. – Oscar Wilde

Sex is a social obsession. The pursuit of it, the commercialisation of it, the regulation of it. Wherever we turn someone is telling us how to get it, how to do it, who to do it with, etc…

Cultural expectations and norms change from generation to generation, providing each argued agenda with a mythical past to call back to as the standard by which we should judge the attitudes of today. The idea of Victorian family values, the liberation of greek society, the nuclear family, the debauchery of the regency period, all ideas that exist more firmly in the mind than in the actuality of history.

So let us explore our current cultural domination and how it can benefit us in the kink community.

I hope it is not a generalisation to say that I believe the majority of those who will read this live in a country with a capitalist economy. While capitalism is an economic model it can also be explored from a sociological perspective. The manner in which we engage with the economy has become the manner by which our value is judged. How can this be to our advantage?

Make them work for it

Let us look at the steps of sexual liberation as they have happened under the currently dominant economic system.

“Sexual expression had increasingly entered the realm of choice. Our culture has developed a notion of sexuality linked to reproduction and genitality and to “deviations” from these, which have denied us the full enjoyment of the bodily pleasures that are potentially available to us.” (Weeks, J. 1980)

Children and childbearing use to be required as part of the self-sufficient household economy of the American colonial era. During the industrial revolution of the Victorian era entire families would need to work to sustain themselves. Children served as indentured workers for the parents as well as the only sort of insurance against age or injury. The family was a single, self contained economic unit.

Capitalism has led to the separation of sexuality from procreation. Human sexual desire need no longer be harnessed to reproductive imperatives. Scientific advances allow procration to be more and more of a choice, divorcing it from the tyranny of heteronormativity, chance and time under which it has suffered for thousands of years.

This role of social security has now been taken on, to a greater or lesser degree depending on yours country of residence, by the state.

As capitalism expanded it allowed us to move away from reproductive sex as a economic necessity to sex as a pleasurable past time activity. The space for sexual identity can only be formed in an environment when procreation as an economic necessity is no longer a matter of personal survival, in the same way that gardening became a hobby only once it was no longer a necessity.

Only as an individual economic unit rather than a familial economic unit is there space for the exploration for individual sexual identity rather than have it be subservient to the need for survival as part of a unit. This should in no way be seen as a deletion of alternative sexual identities from history but rather as a critical examination of how it has been difficult for sex itself, in any form, to be a leasure activity let alone be a part of a complete identity. Historically non familial sexual identities have had to exist in a parallel social space, perhaps the best known being the greek concept of pederasty. (Hubbard, Thomas K. 2003.) Sex could occure outside of a breeding pair for purely pleasurable reasons, but only if the society was still able to sustain a minimum level of reproduction.

Paradox

Capitalism contains a fundamental paradox at its heart. While it weakens the imperative for the individual becoming a reproducing unit, it also needs reproducing pairs to provide the next generation of workers. It praises the power of the individual while trying to incentivising the forming of reproducing pairs. This urgency has been eased by the advances in biological sciences that expand the option of parenthood far beyond a single mating pair.

While there may no longer be the economic need to direct sexual expression to reproduction as its only justification there is a still a lingering stigma around the idea of sex being a possesed activity of personal enjoyment. Societal acceptance and the hollow cries of morality trails behind the almighty power of the dollar. Infallible, eternal morality has a strange habit of bending to economic demands eventually.

I believe the historical sanctification of reproduction for economic reasons is why it is one of the most contentious areas of debate. As there is no longer a reasonable economic argument it has transitioned into the ethereal realm of spiritual and moralistic argument.

Kink does not face the same inherent contradiction in full. It challenges society only with its sexual divergence from necessity to pleasure, from reproduction to indulgence. The ability to control reproduction and relegate to an option rather than a risk allows us to explore our sexuality without “purpose”. With no need to justify our sexual desires we become less bound to the control of others. Contraceptives have liberated women in ways we could never have imagined (Pierre‐André Chiappori and Sonia Oreffice, 2008).

We have a number of advantages over other sexual identities. We can largely blend in without compromising our sense of self. Our communities have access to far greater anonymous social networking. An expanded social vocabulary of sexual identity hard won by those who have not been able to, or have not wanted, to hide their divergence from the expressed social norms of the time.

However, this can work against us. As we are not forced to publicly declare our sexual identities simply by existing we can hide in plain sight. By not being identifiable we may escape the prejudices of the moment but we suffer disenfranchisement, especially from the economic rights granted to identifiable demographics.

Greed is good

Kink is not cheap, for many it is not only our sexual identity but also our hobby and social life. We invest vast amounts of time and funds into the development of skills and items wholly dedicated towards our own sexual exploration.

“Most lesbian and gay men in the 1960’s first discovered their homosexual desires in isolation, unaware of others, and without any resources for the naming and understanding what they felt.” (Hansen, K V. 1998)

While the first step in our empowerment might be our self identifying as part of a homogeneous group, our true strength lies in the unification of our economic identity. Where once we had to order our fetish wear through strange magazines we can now support physical stores. Sex shops now exist on Oxford street selling floggers and latex hoods.

Capitalism serves those groups who are able to wield the power of mass, we must always strive to be identified, to infiltrate the social consciousness so that more might identify with us. There is a tipping point to be reached, that which propels the unnoticed, uncared for, into the heady heights of economic engagement.

This is where the second part of the argument comes to a head. By becoming a recognised, marketable demographic we can be engaged with economically. This is the true measure of acceptance by a capitalist society, can we be sold to and can we produce things of value? Meet those criteria and while social acceptance may take a while, economic acceptance is far quicker. Moralising often takes a back seat to economic gain.

The greater our representation in the mainstream the better. While it may be clumsy at first it should be taken as a positive step. Netflix shows that just miss the point, books which lack even a basic understanding of consent, fashion houses failing to credit the designers from whom they draw inspiration. All of these are imperfect ways that our community has been represented, but rather than rejecting them I suggest we embrace them. Take the flawed representations, encourage the discourse and buy the product. Reward those who try, and embrace those who succeed.

We have, and shall continue to, suffer the prejudices of sanctimonious outrage and accusations of moral corruption, but these are the hollow arguments of those rendered otherwise impotent by the inevitable march of a new, marketable demographic. Does the pub that you rent for a munch care that you wear latex underwear? No, they only care that they get paid. Does the leather supplier care what you use that hide for? No, they only care that they get paid.

Capitalist acceptance is decided on the grounds of monetary democracy. At the end of the day you add up the dollars and whichever trend, event or product has the most is valuable. We must enter into commerce with the community, this is our willing Toleranzgebuhrer (Leo W. Schwarz, 1963), our tolerance tax which we pay to wider society. Let them identify us, let them factor us into their marketing plans, let them think about our wallets with lust.

We are the leather dollar, sell to us, embrace our subculture, whisper sweet nothings into our ears as we fuck on a bed of newly discovered economic viability.

References:

Weeks, J. Capitalism and the organisation of sex, Homosexuality: Power and Politics [Gay Left Collective], 1980.

Hubbard, Thomas K., ed. Homosexuality in Greece and Rome. California: University of California Press, 2003.

Hansen, K V. Families in the US, Philadelphia, Temple University press, 1998.

Leo W. Schwarz, Memoirs of My People, Schoken Books, New York, 1963.

Pierre‐André Chiappori and Sonia Oreffice, Journal of Political Economy, Vol. 116, No. 1, February 2008

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.
https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

In The Kinky Closet

June 30, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

Yes Mistress!

I am fortunate enough to know some truly wonderful dominatrices…AS FRIENDS!!! (Let us make that clear before you let your imagination run away with you.) I sometimes feel that these individuals represent a neglected field of outreach for our community, that of fantasy exploration. Many of us are lucky enough to be able to explore our kinks and fetishes with friends and at events. However there are many kinksters who cannot explore and express this part of their personality for a range of reasons, family, work, self-confidence, etc…

Those isolated members of the kink community still need an outlet for their sexual identity.

The dominatrix provides a safe, private haven for self exploration, for fulfilment of an emotional need in a place of acceptance. Perhaps there is something the rest of us can all do for those who are still in the fetish closet?

You can look but don’t touch.

There has been a debate recently regarding kink representation at Pride events. Does it have a place? It absolutely does, with provisos; lewd public acts, public sadism and nudity is not needed to express kink publicly, and can be genuinely inappropriate. Given that consideration Pride is still about being provocative, challenging how we define love and what role society has in an individual’s relationships. Pride does not ask what is acceptable. It shouts this is love, this is okay and it doesn’t need your approval.

There is a huge amount we can learn from the journey our friends in the LGBTQ community have been on. Very much thanks to them we now have advantages that they did not when they began their emergence into social consciousness. The groundwork for alternative art has already been laid, fashion actively searches gay and fetish styles for inspiration and the internet gives us access to a geographically unbound community.

We are extraordinarily fortunate to have a connected community. We are able to find those who share our general BDSM interests, and to even find those niches within those. Do you like D/s? Great! Do you like Puppy/trainer D/s? Great! Do you like gay leather puppy/trainer D/s? Great! You even get your own float at pride, more forums than you can handle and probably a dedicated munch!

Do you like what you see?

Kink being seen, being celebrated and becoming somewhat normalised has changed how people are able to identify their interests. Historically kink may have always been the itching in the back of your skull which you could never scratch. You may not have ever known anyone else in the whole world had the same itch, and you would have lived your entire life without ever getting to scratch it. The loneliness of being kink isolated is something we should all try to break.

Kink is not for everyone, for many people seeing something kinky will only ever inspire a type of carnival interest. However, for some people it can be the first stirrings of an answer to a question that has been with them their whole adult lives.

It is up to each of us to decide how public we can be with our kink and the type of role we want to take on in the normalization of our lifestyle.

Some of us can live our kink day to day, be public, be known, show our faces and happily present an open face to the non-kink world. Even going so far as to become an active resource for those looking to learn more.

Others might be able to be part of the community but keep it quiet, attend events but dodge the cameras.

Some of us might not be able to be active with our kink. It forms a secret part of our lives. If that is the case yet you are reading this then I am glad, and don’t forget to use incognito mode! Even if you cannot enact your kink and join us in ours we are still your community.

How about something special?

One of my favourite phrases is “Don’t kink shame me!” I have heard it used consistently in a joking way by kinksters and vanilla people alike. Some might worry that it mocks those who have kinks, but I rather take it as a positive. It begins to normalise that everyone has kinks, of varying degrees. I want people to laugh about ridiculously over the top claims of kink shaming, because at the same time it projects the idea that everyone has kinks, and that is normal.

Being publicly visible is something we do for all those people who cannot be seen. We shout so they can hear us. We don’t need them to do anything, we just want them to know they are not alone, they are loved, and they are valid.

The challenges we face today are less than we have, but there are still members of our community that are more vulnerable than others. If we can help each other we should, but if we cannot then that is okay, protect yourself, be safe, we shall always try to have a community here for you.

Supporting our kink venues, attending local munches, discussing our kinks, these are all ways that we help this community stay strong and make it easier for others to embrace it. The simple act of being demands acceptance.

About the Author

Frame The Experience

June 2, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

A friend of mine and I were talking the other day. We were discussing the word “slut”, it was a word that had been used to hurt her in the past, now it was a word she was claiming back. I was impressed by her strength and determination, while also being reminded that words can leave invisible wounds that we carry with us through daily life. The word slut had been used to intentionally hurt her, and it had succeed. The very same word that had been so hurtful to her was the same I used with affection or kinky cruelty, as the situation dictated, with partners of mine.

I have no negative association with the word “slut”, nor do any of my partners. It is a word that is used in our play, sometimes to tease but never with real malice. It is not a word that hurts them, although sometimes they might blush depending on the context.

Do you really want to hurt me.

We often play with things that hurt; floggers, whips, words… In play we help make dangerous experiences safe by letting our partners act out fantasies of helplessness or victimhood while we keep them safe. Some people find a catharsis in play, reenacting situations and reclaiming them by doing so (Even as we talk about some of the psychology of play we shouldn’t lose sight of the fact that plenty of times we just do it because it is fun).

When we are swinging away with a flogger it is easy to notice where the blows land, to judge how hard the strike are. With words it is far harder to measure, but the damage can be far more severe.

If someone wields a cane carelessly it can easily split the skin and leave long lasting scars. Words can certainly do the same, so we must treat them with just as much respect and care.

Do you really want to make me cry.

There is a practice I use in my D/s dynamics to encourage certain behaviors called experiential framing. It is the method by which we provide a positive or a negative structure to an event. One particular aspect of it is the use of affirmative, encouraging terms when describing behaviors we wish our partners to repeat. There is a risk that we might assume the correct method to discourage behavior would be the reverse of this practice. We might therefor think that we should use negative terms to discourage negative behaviors.

We should pause before doing so.

I strongly advocate the use of positive reinforcement in the development of consensual D/s training while keeping negative activities safely confined to play environments. This extends to the situational use of words. If I use the word “slut” to refer to my partner during play, and only during play, then it doesn’t have any weight outside of that situation. However, if I start to use the word “slut” disparagingly outside of play then it takes on a negative connotation which extends into both the real world and the play space.

Think of play as a one way space, things that happen within that space might be safely contained within it, but things from the outside world might well leak into it. During a scene we might make someone feel scared of us, but at the end we are the one cuddling them with tea and chocolate, making them feel safe. If we scare someone in the outside world then they will almost certainly carry that fear into any scene with us.

In the same way that we do not want our partner to flinch in the day to day world when we raise our hand quickly, we do not want them to flinch when we call them a “slut” during play.

Words that burn me.

24/7 style D/s should be a positive experience for everyone involved, the intentional disparity of power matched by a disparity in the obligation of care. If we take on the responsibility of framing another persons experiences we also take the responsibility for possibly redefining their relationship with words. We need to know the impact that our words can have.

If I want my partner to always feel a negative association with a word then I would use it in our day to day interactions intentionally. I would surround it with words designed to make her feel bad about herself, her actions. If I did this I would want to be very careful about why I was doing it and what word I would want to use. It is like loading a gun and leaving it lying about for anyone to use, but even worse, many people might mistake it for nothing more than a water pistol.

Empowered words which are commonly used in the outside world can open up those invisible wounds without any intention. As such it is the responsibility of the person who first causes the wound. Every single time that person is hurt by a word you loaded with intention it is your responsibility.

Words are tokens.

Society condemns many of us for the simple fact that we enjoy sex, in a multitude of ways. There is a rich vocabulary of words developed to shame people, especially women, for their sexual natures. We can help with the reclaiming of words, the rejection of condemnation, by using kink to re-frame our relationship with these words. We also have the power to give meaning to words, to emotionally load them.

It is our responsibility to be as careful with words made to hurt as we would be with any tool we use to inflict pleasurable pain. In the same way we would ask about using certain toys in play perhaps we should consider checking about certain words? While it may well not be our responsibility that invisible wounds are there we can still show care for those we play with by checking, and do our best not to cause any new wounds.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

No Easter Bunny For Me

May 26, 2019 By Will Hunt 3 Comments

Like most people I started practicing rope in the bedroom long before I realized there was an active community. Trying my best to replicate what I had seen in porn or in photos. My long suffering partner at the time kindly sat through incompetent hours of practice.

There were no terms for the two of us involved and certainly there were no names for the unrecognizable patterns I was tying. When I really became involved with rope I voraciously consumed private tutorials, classes and books. During this time I began to learn the language of rope. As I learnt the names for certain ties, cinches and patterns I also learnt that my partner was called a bunny and I was a rigger.

Without thought I started to use these terms, and for almost 10 years I continued to. I have referred to some of the most skilled and physically able people I have ever met as a bunny. I find it embarrassing to admit that I absorbed this term without thought for its meaning; it was just a defining word. I gave no consideration to strength of a label.

We are what we say we are

For years I happily went along absorbing information and regurgitating it without question. I uncritically parroted what I learnt with absolute confidence. But then something changed, it was a small thing and hard to identify at first, I found that the term bunny had began to sit uncomfortably with me.

Something itched in the back of my mind and would not settle. I found myself compelled to find the source of this discomfort. I turned to exploring the word itself and what weight it might carry.

Labeling theory argues that the description or classification of an individual directly influences the perception and self-identity of that same individual. Consider the words we use for the person who ties, Rigger, Rope Top, Nawashi, Teacher… All of these are strong, evocative words. And what term do we use for partners in all this? Bunny, a young rabbit, helpless, cute and weak.

These partners are tied, swung, suspended, risk injury, suffer the pain of our mistakes and look amazing while doing it. This was the source of my discomfort; I felt the name I had been taught to use to define my rope partner inherently placed them in a position of weakness.

I had ignored the incredible power in the naming of a role.

Now I should pause before I go further as I fear I may sound as if I am condemning people. I do not have any judgement to pass on anyone who uses the term affectionately or self-identifies with the term. I felt that I had made a mistake in not questioning why I chose to use it.

Hop off

Consider the impact of saying; the person who does this thing is a bunny. As a community when we introduce a classifying term it forms the basis of our perception of that role. If we ascribe all our terms of respect to only one individual in a partnership without regard to the nuances of that relationship what impression does that give? We fix the power dynamic without regard to the people involved.

Our willingness to allow such infantilising terms to be used is symptomatic of a lack of thought regarding the effect we have on those we work with. If we absorb and repeat without thought then we only perpetuate.

There is of course a secondary aspect of this which is when we say; you are a bunny. In this case we place an identity on a person, placing a value on them. There is no agency granted to this individual even if they rebel against the word because it has become an accepted identifying term used by the community they have entered into.

Welcome to the real world

“The fact of the matter is that the ‘real world’ is to a large extent unconsciously built up on the language habits of the group” (Sapir, 1929).

As a group we have developed a habit betrayed in our use of words. The one doing the tying is portrayed as the one in control, the powerful one and is granted equally powerful terms, while the one tied is relegated to a weaker, supportive role.

To define someone with a powerless term is to rob them of the authority and respect they deserve. To use the term in ignorance is the fault of the community, I think we need to challenge ourselves to think about why we use it and if we still want to.

Model behavior

I don’t have a perfect solution to what I perceive as a problem. I hate to present an issue without a solution, so instead I can only offer what I have found sits comfortably with me.

Rather than refer to those I tie with as bunnies I refer to them as models. As anyone who does modelling will tell you, it is not easy. It is hard work that requires skill.

Clothes, like rope, are lifeless. Throw rope onto a floor and it does nothing, tie rope about a mannequin and it has no passion. It is our model who brings life to our work, gives energy to our rope.

We tie the same ties with different people because of the uniqueness of what they add. If all the beauty of rope came from the ties and the rigger then we could achieve nothing new with different people.

Respect your partners in word and action. I have found the way that works for me, find what works for you. The first step is simply thinking, thinking about what words mean, why you use them and the impact they have.

About the Author

Something Is Going to Go Wrong With Your Scene

March 31, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

Perhaps you will have noticed that the title of this piece does not contain the word “if”. In kink it is rare that something won’t go wrong at some point, and given enough time something certainly will. This can be relatively minor, a flogger swing that goes too high, all the way to scaring someone with a poorly judged whip strike. Today I writing all about when it does go wrong and how to minimize the damage, however this article is NOT about consent violation, that is a very serious topic and it deserves a considered article entirely of its own.

Everyone involved in a scene has a responsibility to be as aware as possible of what they are agreeing to. We, as a top, also have an added responsibility to be confident that everyone involved fully understands the risks involved. There is a disproportionate level of responsibility that we as tops take on being the active participant of a scene. We should also accept that it is an unfortunate reality of kink that at times things will not go as planned. It is entirely possible for two people to do everything with the right intentions and for something to still go wrong.

Put them on the rack

There is a consent shorthand we use on the scene, R.A.C.K. (Risk Aware Consensual Kink). Let us break that down a little.

First is Risk; we need to be honest with ourselves and our partners that there is a risk involved in what we do. If I am going to tie with a rope model who has 10 years of experience and I have tied with before I shall be quite confident when she tells me that she knows all the risks involved. However, if I am tying with a new model who has only done rope a couple of times and never done a suspension before it is my responsibility to satisfy myself that she really does understand the risks involved in what we are planning to do. My risk also goes up when I am tying with a new person, am I willing to take on the added responsibility of an inexperienced partner? I need to satisfy myself that they understand the risks.

This leads very naturally into the second part Aware, does everyone involved appreciate what is planned and what could go wrong? Do we all know what could go wrong and do we all still want to go ahead? Before you go ahead with a scene you need to be confident in what you are about to do. If this is the first time you are doing something your partner deserves to know that, and in return if it is the first time they have ever done something then you deserve to know.

Consensual, this is a term that is hopefully ubiquitous on your local scene. However, it cannot exist in a vacuum. An individual cannot properly consent if they are not informed. Knowing the risks and then communicating those risk has to happen before consent can be properly given. Satisfy yourself that everyone involved is consenting, and everyone agrees on what they are consenting to. Remember that consent does go both ways. If a partner has an issue that they are aware of, an injury perhaps, and they don’t inform me then I cannot give informed consent. If I have a scene with someone who withholds information in the negotiation and consent phase then my consent is violated. I consent to tie with someone with no injuries, but if they have lied about that then it is the same as if I had offered to suspend someone without telling someone I have never done that before, or that I has a sprained wrist.

Finally we have Kink, hopefully this part doesn’t need explaining too much, it is the reason you are reading this article. Kink is about taking risks, the thrill of the extreme, the new, the exciting. Our kinks are important and we should take them seriously so we can enjoy them fully, but we have to be careful not to let them come first.

I have a cunning plan

There is a reason most rope riggers have safety shears on us. It isn’t because we intend to end every tie by cutting our model out of the rope. We have shears for when something does go wrong. It is not a sign of a lack of confidence or a indictment of someone’s skill because they have something to hand in case they cannot get their model out quickly enough.

A rigger who has never had an accident doesn’t impress me, one who knows exactly how to manage it and shows care for their model does. Accidents can happen, regardless of how prepared we are, how hard we try to make sure they don’t. We cannot eliminate all risk, and prepare for all situations, but we should try.

There is a danger in complacency, and it is a risk more often born by the bottom than the top. Even if you start with all the best intentions and planning yet you fall into the trap of thinking that because something bad hasn’t happened it never will you are becoming more and more dangerous. Your partner has not consented to your complacency.

Health and safety madness

A few friends of mine were planning a kidnapping scene for one of their partners. Having never done this before they asked me to step in as a sort of kink consultant. They recognized that is was a complicated scene with a number of risk factors.

The first thing I did with them was to sit down and go through their plan from the least kinky perspective possible. Does she need any medication? What is her schedule like? How are we transporting her? It became a discussion about logistics, not about kinky fantasies.

Kink is often about fantasy fulfillment, responsible kink is about planning before things get kinky.

There is no shame in asking for advice, acknowledging what we don’t know and trying to place safeguards. It is rather the sign of someone who takes their responsibilities seriously.

What happens next

So lets say it has finally happened, despite all the planning something has gone wrong. Your partner has had to safeword, or perhaps you stopped a scene after a swing went wide, or any number of things have gone wrong.

There are a number of articles on this site which will help you plan the practical parts of how to care for your partner, and I encourage you to seek them out. While these practical elements are very important another essential part is the mental process. How you need to think when you are caring for your partner after something has gone wrong.

About the Author

Learning From, And For, Our Bottoms

March 24, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

I’ll have what she’s having

I like to order for my girl when we are out for dinner. This is not a new part of our dynamic, but it is one I am still developing. I started by recording her allergies and basic dislikes. That was enough to make sure I was not going to poison her or try to feed her something she would flatly refuse to eat, but it wouldn’t let me do much more than that. It wasn’t enough, I didn’t want to just know what not to feed her, I wanted to be able to confidently make a choice that she would enjoy.

My objective was two fold; to continue taking more control in our relationship by expanding the breadth of our D/s, and to make her feel like I knew everything about her. I want her to know that I can pick the one item she would have chosen from an entire menu without checking with her. I want her to feel that I know her that well, that intimately.

So how do I achieve this, it is simple really; I ask! Whenever we eat a new cuisine I let her order, I may even ask her to point out what she does and doesn’t like on the menu. The second and third time I will order, but still I will look to her for affirmation, encouraging her to explain any issue to me. This lets me learn each and every time until I can stop looking to her for confirmation, and she knows she only needs to tell me if their is a problem with what I have selected.

Now this is a very mild example, but it does matter. If I cannot trust myself to learn something simple, then what about when it comes to knowing her more extreme limits or desires?

With great power comes great responsibility

It takes a while to learn you bottoms dinner preferences, and even more to read their mind. The more control you want to have in your relationship the harder you have to work at it. Each from of control carries with it a range of responsibilities and new sets of information to learn. The information we have and our gentle escalation is a buffer against major mistakes.

It is arrogant in the extreme to think that you know everything, and you are dooming yourself from the start if you assume that your partner will fit into a preconceived box. Just because something has worked with ever other sub you have played with it does not mean it will this time. It behooves us to open ourselves to the possibility that what has worked before shall not work this time. If we stop learning then we consigning ourselves to eventual, complacent failure. This applies to so many aspects of being a good top. Always be learning, always be practicing.

While I hope none of us would contemplate using medical staples without having learnt how to use them, in the same way why would we try to take control of our partners clothing without learning the nuances of what that means? Their work dress code, what outfit is too hot for summer, too cold for winter, etc..?

It can be easier to identify and develop these skills which we class as hard skills; using sharps, cracking a whip, swinging a flogger, but there are soft skills which are essential in the mental aspects of kink. We risk getting to caught up in the acts of kink, and forget the thinking of kink.

There are numerous events where you can pick up hard skills from some excellent teachers, but when it comes to the specific soft skills of your partner then they are our best teacher, even if they don’t know it, and as their unknown students we must be twice as attentive. What we can be taught are the questions we need to ask, but only our partner can give us the answers we need.

Mistakes makes us, they don’t break us

Good tops don’t just burst forth fully formed and all knowing. I have learnt huge amounts from those incredibly supportive bottoms that I have messed up the most with. Mistakes will happen, we can regret that fact, but should never ignore it, nor think ourselves immune from them. We should be upfront, and always willing to apologize for mistakes.

I believe that a real apology leaves us with a burden to do everything within our power to make sure the same mistake is never repeated. If we only say sorry and don’t follow through with actual improvement then it is a feeble apology.

It is okay to make a mistake, it is not okay to constantly repeat the same mistakes. If we go back to the example of my ordering for my girl at a restaurant for a moment. If I make a mistake and order something she really hates she will tell me, that is okay. If I order it for the second time, or even a third time it is clear I am not paying attention, I am not learning. A sorry does not always make everything better, actively working to make things better can.

Be kind to yourself though. As a top we can sometimes place too much of a burden on ourselves to be perfect. We should never pretend we are perfect, not to ourselves and not to our partners. Everyone involved in a scene should know that we are all humans, and that there is a risk involved in playing. Take responsibility where it is due, but do not become crippled by indecision, keep learning, keep moving forward.

Step by step

Each escalation in our transfer of power has to be built on a solid foundation. The importance of knowing her better than she knows herself really matters when I am asking her to strip naked while blindfolded in a club. That is when the months and years of built up trust pays off.

In every relationship there is a period of time in which we are learning each other. All the normal things of relationship, which side of the bed they sleep on, how they take their tea, and then there are the kink things, do they switch, do they prefer rope or leather, etc…

Each new aspect of D/s should be approached as a new relationship, with all the excitement, and trepidation that entails. You don’t learn everything about a relationship on the first day, and you won’t get everything right on the first try, but remember; as long as you are learning you are not failing.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Drop and Aftercare

February 3, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

The situation I want to discuss is often referred to as sub-drop. It can be very unsettling to have had a really good scene with someone, have a lovely chat with them afterwards, give each other a hug, only to find out that the next day they are feeling really low. Having had a lovely night, they are now feeling sad, even upset, often without being able to put their finger on exactly why.

I want to explore how we can prepare for, and best support our play-partners when this happening. However, better than a cure is prevention so first we shall look at good aftercare practices which can help mitigate the risk of sub-drop occurring at all.

Our responsibility extends beyond just the actions of play. If we think of our scene as taking our partner on a journey then it is also our responsibility to bring them all the way back.

Aftercare can take a few forms, broken down here into a number of steps. Be aware though that individuals may have different things they really like, or really hate, as such I would suggest that aftercare feature in your pre-scene negotiation. Better to talk it through than just try and wing it. There are people I do not play with because I know the aftercare they will need is not aftercare I can provide. So while some aftercare activities are unique there are some rather common activities which are certainly worth knowing.

Safe space

Once a scene is over the first step is often making sure the bottom knows the scene is over. It is hard to help anyone start to relax if they don’t know that the scene has ended. Some play has a very clear end point, some does not. There is no harm in letting our partner know a scene is over, and often highlighting that they have done really well. No one can start to relax if they are waiting for the next strike of a flogger. As you are unstrapping them from the cross or taking off a blindfold just whisper to them that they have done well, that they are safe now, you are satisfied with them, whatever phrase will properly communicate that they are entering a safe space where you will take care of them.

Don’t underestimate the power of a blanket

After a scene it is not uncommon for the bottom to feel cold, even to the point of physically shaking. A large blanket can be an incredibly welcome sight after a long scene. If the bottom likes physical contact then a blanket and a hug, and if they don’t want physical contact then snuggling in a blanket alone is still enough to warm them up. This is where negotiating aftercare in advance can be so valuable, you never want to unknowingly make them feel uncomfortable while trying to offer care.

Keep them sweet

Now they are warm and feel safe the next step is often getting some sugar into them. If you already know their preference then some sweets or chocolate in your kit bag is often a good idea, also a sugary drink (not diet) is a quick and easy way to perk them up again. Make sure you know about any food issues before trying to feed them anything, at the time they might well not be in a fit state to express any dietary requirements or allergies.

Time is relative

All of this it can just be a matter of time. Some people bounce right back and will be full of energy afterwards. Others might need taking home and a good nights sleep. Most will fall somewhere in the middle. Let them direct the timing, check in on them, ask them if they need anything, then just let them relax as long as they need to.

Take it to the extreme

More extreme play, especially those which involve piercing of the skin or severe bruising, may involve a physical recovery time. You should know what will help with this recovery, how to keep a wound clean, or a bruise heal, and communicate this information, even to the point of making sure that instructions are being followed over time.

Drop the beat

Lets now explore what sub-drop is. I have seen it happen after intense physical play scenes, as well as after purely psychological scenes. There is no simple A causes B scenario when it comes to sub-drop. Some people always drop, some people think they never do. It isn’t their responsibility to not drop or to always know when they will, it is our responsibility to prepare.

Our first step should always be maintaining contact and to highlight that we are contactable. If we don’t have clear lines of communication then we cannot gauge how our partner is doing. It is often the case that those we play with have lives to go back to, Saturday and Sunday might be all about play, kink and fun, but Monday is back to work. Following up on people we play with should become habit.

Sub drop has often been described to me as falling back into the real world from the endorphin high of kink. For some people the escape from responsibility is their chance to have a release from the stress of ordinary life. It can be hard going back to the complexities of the real world from the simplicity of just being able to obey and have someone else make the choices. That, unfortunately, we cannot change.

The reality of sub-drop is there is often not much we can practically do, especially if we can only offer support at a distance, in the case of a casual play partner perhaps. Sometimes all we can do is reach out, and if our play partner is feeling down we can only reassure them that it is okay and it will pass. Talking is the best cure here, and you should keep it in ready supply for them.

Top drop

Having spoken about how to care for bottoms who drop it might be tempting to think tops are immune, but we most certainly are not. The post play drop can happen to us to. I have had days after a big weekend scene when I felt really low, and I didn’t know what was happening. I tried to look around and find something to hang those feelings on, to work out why I felt low. Something must have gone wrong, the scene must have been bad, I wasn’t very good at what I did, etc…

We need to take care of ourselves and learn how we work. Know what your drop is, and how to manage it. Ignoring it, trying to just push through it, doesn’t actually help. No one is awarding dom points for being a big, tough sadist who doesn’t need a hug. So be honest when you feel you need comfort, tell a friend when you are feeling down, remember that on Monday you are also having to adjust back to the real world.

Stay Connected

For some of us kink is the only time we can let extremely important parts of our personality out. Maybe only once every few months do we get to really let ourselves go. Top or bottom, it doesn’t matter, it is about being free and wholly ourselves in a way we normally cannot, regardless of the end of the whip we are on.

Consider all the effort that goes into holding that kinky part in, the tense coil that is the naughty, socially unacceptable part of our personality. The bit that likes to feel helpless, or make people cry, the aching desire to be ground underfoot, or spit on someone’s face. That tension has to be released at times, but then we have to coil it back up. While most of that has to be done by ourselves it can really help to know you are not alone.

Reach out to the partner you played with, see how they are doing, let them know they are good, that you had fun and that you are there for them. Whatever naughty things we are doing with each other we should always care; before, during and after.

About the Author

Sorry Should Be The Hardest Word To Say

January 6, 2019 By Will Hunt 2 Comments

Model: Domina Mara

Taken by: Domina Mara

Disclaimer: This but one person’s opinion/perspective in the community. What this writer is describing still falls within SSC (safe, sane, consensual). He is not describing anything non-consensual. Before the practices he is describing take affect the submissive must consent to said terms and protocols. Please note this when reading this article.

I often write about words, single words. I enjoy burrowing down into their meanings, how and why we use them, what effect they have on people. Words have a power and a depth we often miss in day to day. We may be primed to explore them at a poetry reading, or when listening to a song, but we often forget their depth in casual conversation.

For this article I have chosen a word I have long felt was underestimated, the humble Sorry. We hear it in so many situations; Sorry, I didn’t mean to, sorry, I forgot, sorry, that was a mistake…

Sorry can be an immensely powerful word, and as many of us have kinks which veer so strongly towards the consensual inequality of power in a relationship we need to pay very close attention to those words I refer to as power words. I define power words as those words and phrases which carry with them a limited number of social acceptable responses. Sorry is a word that triggers a limited range of acceptable responses; ideally of acceptance and then either direct forgiveness, or consequence then forgiveness.

However, if it is used callously, sorry can be abused and lose its meaning entirely. It is our responsibility as tops in D/s dynamics to safeguard the importance of the word.

Make it mean something

Ideally in a D/s dynamic the person who is sorry takes a submissive position, expressing their weakness or failure and requesting that it be forgiven. If the expression of sorry is said with an assumption of forgiveness then the person saying it is using it rather as a method of absolving themselves from the repercussions of their action, rather than placing themselves genuinely in the position of submission.

We, as the top, are responsible for continuing to give the word sorry meaning. Our response to the use of sorry is what gives it value.

As a top it can be very hard when they say sorry, and you know they really mean it, to not respond with instant forgiveness. The big, tearful eyes that tell you they really are sorry, that they never wanted to fail. Even harder than not immediately forgiving them is not even letting them say sorry, but that is exactly what I am advocating. I am going to suggest that you do something emotionally very difficult here, and please do remember I am only sharing my philosophy, it may not work exactly this way for all of you.

With that said here is my advice:

Do not even let them say sorry until you say that they can. Even more than that, punish them if they say sorry without permission.

Say it when I say you can

It can be the hardest thing to not let them say sorry, to delay that apology and the forgiveness that shall follow. However you have to, if this is the path you have chosen to take you have to be strong in it. You have to be the unwavering figure of authority, in you the stability and safety of the rule governed relationship resides. So tell them you know they are sorry, that you will let them say sorry, but not yet. The rules you have set, and the security those rules provide, are more important.

By controlling the access to apology and forgiveness we also emphasis the dreaded power of failure. Failing so badly that they will need to say sorry is its own punishment, there is no easy solution to their failing. Not only is forgiveness yours to give, but even the right to apologize is controlled by you.

I break an apology down into a number of steps. First, sit with them and have them explain to you why they want permission to say sorry? What is it they wish to be forgiven for? Have them tell you what they have done, and why it is wrong. Make them understand that if they wish to say sorry it shall only be after the punishment, in whatever form it takes.

It should be clearly understood that the permission to apologize will only be granted after the punishment, they don’t even have the right to say sorry until you have punished them for their mistake. Then they can say sorry and have the catharsis of forgiveness directly.

We grant the right to use such a powerful word, we control their ability to express their sorrow

and allow it only at our direction. We are choosing what happens when our partner wants to apologize, how they will be allowed to do and if they will be allowed to. Even when all of that is done there is another step, we need to think about how we punish them.

Make sure the punishment doesn’t fit the crime

In ordinary life sorry might be accepted in one case without greater consideration, and in the second not. Spilling coffee on a stranger might mean nothing, or might result in a shouting match. This makes sorry an inconstant word, who’s weight is unknown when uttered. We can provide it with a constancy by taking control of the use of the word and its consequences. There is a comfort in knowing where you stand and what consequences there shall be. So if rather than sorry being something they can just say with unknown consequences, change it and give it a constancy of meaning, or consequence. We can do this by letting them know there will always be a punishment.

We live in a society with a concept of proportional response. Any consequence should be proportional to the act. We are taught that failings, crimes, mistakes are ranked on some sort of cosmic scale of moral righteousness. As such all punishments should fit the crime, they should be proportional.

The risk to making the punishment fit the crime is that we allow our partners to, consciously or unconsciously, to run risk/benefit analysis. Is a certain action worth the 10 strikes of a cane? It provides an unconscious ranking of rules, not sitting on a sofa is less important than not making permanent physical changes without permission. Because one results in a talking to and the other in 500 lashes. Of course one seems more important than the other, perhaps the first even seems trivial in comparison.

I prefer for it to be understood that if they have done something bad enough that they need to say sorry it will be a straight 100 lashes. It doesn’t matter how great or small the transgression, the simple act of having done something which actually requires an apology is enough. There are no small failings when it comes to my rules, because there are no small rules. In this situation the rules cannot be ranked, a risk benefit analysis cannot be done, because any rule that is broken will result in the same punishment.

Other punishments may be laid on top of that as well if required, however, in my experience, if it is something they are truly sorry for then the act of having to sit, explain themselves, and beg to be allowed to say sorry is enough to reduce them to tears as it is.

The catharsis of forgiveness follows the punishment, and they don’t get the punishment unless they are going to be immediately forgiven. In this way the punishment is something to look forward, as they know that they won’t be punish if you are unwilling to let them say sorry and forgive them immediately afterwards.

Learn what it actually means

As always there is a second layer to kink, if we want there to be. In my D/s dynamic this training extends to teaching my partner what is actually their responsibility. I have seen far too many people who apologize for things that are not their fault. It is a deeply unfortunate truth that too many people have been taught to take responsibility for things that are not actually their fault, sorry my friend was drunk, sorry that someone else did a thing…

When our partners are no longer just allowed to say sorry but rather have to explain why they want permission to say sorry they are forced to think. This means they have to consider why they feel the need to say sorry for things that may well not be their fault.

My partner has had to learn that she cannot apologize for things that are not her fault. If she says sorry without permission she has broken a rule and it is a straight 100 lashes. If she wants to say sorry she has to ask permission to say sorry, which I will challenge. If she has asked to say sorry for something that isn’t her fault I will lead her through the situation and help her to understand that it isn’t her fault before finally telling her that she cannot say sorry to me.

Say it like you mean it

In my experience kink happens in the mind first of all, and the more we play in that domain the hotter and kinkier we can get. Taking control of what their words mean and even when they are allowed to be used can be very rewarding to both parties.

As with many aspects of D/s kink we can choose to restrict it to specific times and places. Use titles only when alone, collars only at kink clubs, but manners of behavior often stretch far beyond just a scene. Taking control of language and superseding social norms with our own structures is far more than a causal scene, and if that is what you want to explore then you need to take your time and plan what you are doing very carefully. If you do take that time, plan your actions, consider the reasons for your rules, you will be rewarded with a rich D/s dynamic where control is enforced more with language than with the crop.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

Trust and Kink

December 30, 2018 By Will Hunt 3 Comments

We talk a great deal about consent in the kink community, as we should, however, I fear we sometimes do so at the the expense of other important aspects of a healthy kink relationship. In this article I want to go beyond consent and explore the role of trust in D/s dynamics.

We are going to explore it from two perspectives, that of the responsibility of the Top to be trustworthy and the reciprocal responsibility of the Bottom to be trusting.

Trustworthy tops make trusting bottoms

Trust is the solid foundation upon which a kink relationship may be built, it is what lets us explore further, take risk and be able to be our complete selves with another person. Being open about our kinks can make us very vulnerable and we take an additional risk with every new revelation. When our partner reveals a new kink to us they may be battling against every voice that has ever told them they won’t be accepted. As the Top we have to be the calm voice of acceptance, gently teasing out of them what they want. We must build ourselves in their mind as such a figure of authority that we can counter all those negative voices. Our partners must trust us more than fear the spectres of their own imagination.

When someone has enough trust in us to reveal a desire we must respect that and act to encourage further trust. Even small things are important, because it is only if we can be trusted with those little things that we can ever show that we can be trusted with the big stuff. Why would any of us ever reveal a deep kink if our partner responds to our interest in something relatively minor, spanking maybe, with ridicule or disgust?

To do and to be seen to do.

I believe it is not only important to be trustworthy but also to be seen to be trustworthy. We want and need for them to feel that they can come to us with anything. Be active in acting on information they share. If they have taken the risk of revealing something that makes them vulnerable then show them the respect of making the effort of engaging with it, don’t just say they are accepted, show they are accepted. If they say they want to engage in an activity, you be the one to suggest when it could be done.

Given all that I have said I think it is important to highlight that acceptance does not mean we need to engage in every kink our partner expresses an interest in. There are kinks that partners of mine enjoy, and I do not. That certainly doesn’t mean I would ridicule or condemn those kinks. If I am not into them it does not make them wrong. I will say that isn’t a kink of mine, but I always want them to feel safe exploring and enjoying the wholeness of who they are. Just because I do not want to do a certain activity does not mean I don’t want to support them in their right to have an interest in it.

I am lucky enough that even if I don’t enjoy an activity I probably know someone who does, and who is very good at it. Within the dynamics of my relationship I can encourage a partner to explore their kinks with others. The key here is encouragement, acceptance and support, even if it is something I am not actively doing with them.

So far everything I have touched upon has been about how we as Tops can respect and encourage trust. However there is an element of trust in D/s relationships that may be overlooked, that of the Top trusting the Bottom to communicate well and to be honest about their needs and wants. If our first step is in making ourselves trustworthy then the second step belongs to the Bottom.

Death by awkwardness

I am sure we have all been trapped in the horrific British awkwardness of the “Where would you like to eat?” “Whatever you would like to.” “Well how about Indian?” “If you would like to.” “Do you want to?” cycle. In thousands of years time archaeologist shall find the mummified remains of many a British couple so trapped in an endless cycle of indecision to the point of death.

Confidence, that is what is needed to break out of this cycle. How do we develop this confidence? It cannot happen in a vacuum, we need our Bottoms to help us, we need to trust them.

Let us explore the British awkwardness cycle of death. Someone desperately needs to make a decisive choice. There are two ways out of this, making a choice when you do not care about the other person’s opinion, or the other when you know them well enough that you feel confident making a choice for both of you. Now the first solution, of not caring, is not one I would entertain at all, and the second means we need confidence.

So where do we derive this confidence from? As with so many things I believe it comes from information.

One honest conversation

I often say to my bottoms that we need to have one honest conversation. Just once I need to have them tell me what they want, how they want it, what their desires are. After that one conversation I can take the lead, I can be confident in knowing what my partner wants.

One of the great tricks in good D/s is the Tops pretending that we are big bad Doms who do just what we want all the time and the poor Bottom is helpless. We can keep this up if we feel confident that the information we are working with is accurate and honest. I would feel terrible if I set up a big scene based on what I thought were a Bottoms likes and desires, only to find out afterwards that they hadn’t enjoyed the scene. That might make me hesitate, question my every action in future and that in turn has a knock on effect on the confidence my Bottom might have in me. We may even get sucked back into the British awkwardness cycle of death. “Is it okay to spank you?” “If you would like to.” “I would like to if you would like to.” and so on ad infinitum.

If I am to pretend to force them, to take on the role of the confident sadist I need to not be double checking everything I do. This means I need to be able to trust my Bottom to have honestly told me what they want. It also means I need to be able to trust them to communicate mid-scene as well. I need to know they will safeword if the need arises.

Finding our feet

It may take us a while to find our feet, to learn what we want from each other in a new relationship. As such it is okay not to know exactly what you want to begin with, just make sure to express that.

The Top needs to be trustworthy from the beginning even as we are learning how we will engage with this new person. The Bottom has the luxury of having time to learn what they want to do. However, once they have they need to remember their Top is not a mind reader, and they have to tell them.

We can only do so much to make ourselves a safe person to confide in, we then need our partners to be honest. We cannot effectively lead with any sort of confidence if we don’t believe our partner. The responsibility for when people act in good faith on false information rests squarely on the shoulders of the one who provided the false information. Bottoms need to be aware of that and accept it when they consider how they communicate with their Tops. There is only so much responsibility we Tops can take on. However that does not absolve us of our responsibility, we are in a position of greater authority and thus our responsibility is greater.

Trust in turn

Trust goes both way. Each of us involved in the relationship might have a greater or lesser role in developing that trust, but we must never forget that while it is Tops who may be supposed to lead it is good Bottoms that make us good Tops.

D/s relationships are filled with nuances of emotional meaning, here revealing a kink is not just saying “I want to do naughty things with you.” it is also saying “I trust you enough to tell you these secrets.” and when we reply by saying “I would like to do those naughty things with you.” we are also saying “I accept who you are, you are safe being who you are with me.”

About the Author

Why My Girl Isn’t Allowed To Say “No”

December 2, 2018 By Will Hunt 4 Comments

I am sure we have all heard the sweaty, uber-dom declare; “True submissives I play with don’t have safe-words.” and “My partner isn’t allowed to say no to me.” followed by a grin which could only be described as unfortunate.

I would argue that such an attitude is at best pointless posturing and at worst an indicator of dangerous abuse. So let us explore these two points, the role each has to play in kink and why I would disagree with this attitude.

First; safe-words.

Safe-words are an integral part of how we provide clear lines of communication throughout our community. Whatever the situation, I don’t think there is a one of us whose ears don’t prick up at the shout of “Red!” in any environment. I think it would be arrogant in the extreme for any of us to think we are so skilled in the reading of body language as not to need, and appreciate, a verbal cue for when things are going too far.

But there is a risk to these short cuts, to relying too heavily upon a presumed common language. Kink lexicography is not yet set and as such can be treacherous.

I have played with people for whom Red! meant: “Stop the scene, untie me, get a blanket it is aftercare time.” While for others it means: “Stop doing what you are doing, check in with me and maybe we shall continue.” For others it even means: “Stop using that item, but carry on with something else.”

These are just three definitions of the same word, and none of them are wrong, just different. However what happens when I expect someone to use Red! to mean stop using the cane and switch to a flogger, where as for them it means: “Untie me and give me aftercare, asap!” In my mind I have respected their consent rules, but for them they are still tied down and only thing that has changed is that I am now using a flogger. What they need and have expressed hasn’t been respected.

This precise concern is what has lead to some refinement of our kink language, many people now use a “traffic light” system; Green, Amber, Red. Green to mean carry on or even do more, Amber to say slow down or switch what you are doing, and Red as a clear indicator to end the scene.

I am a huge fan of pre-scene negotiation which doesn’t just include what they want to do, but also what to do if things go wrong. What kind of aftercare do they want at the end of a scene? What about if they need to safe-word, what kind of aftercare do they need then? What does Red mean to them? How do they let me know something has gone wrong if they cannot talk? The more time we spend learning all this before a scene the better we can mitigate the risk of needing to use any of the information.

This is also the time to check with them what type of safe-words they use, do they use a traffic light system? What does Red mean for them?

Communication is so important at this time, so that we can properly understand each other in the midst of play. Defining how safe-words work for you and your partner is far better done while having a cup of tea than when one of you is hanging upside down on a cross, blindfolded, whips cracking and music going.

Now is the bit where I horribly contradict myself! Remember that less than pleasant fellow I described at the beginning; the uber-dom with the regrettable smile. Yep, him, well here is the confession, I don’t let my partner say no to me either.

So why would I say all that I have about safe words, and the importance of communication when I am now saying I don’t let my partner say no to me? First let me explain that just because my partner cannot say no to me it does not mean she cannot disagree with me. In fact it is precisely because of my love of communication that she is not allowed to say no. When I am playing with someone who I am not in a relationship with, with whom the scene shall be self contained, safe-words are perfectly sufficient and they can say no about anything we discuss, but in my D/s relationships I need more.

I draw a clear distinction between my play relationships and my D/s relationships. One of the biggest differences is that in my play relationships there is no expectation on either party outside of the scene, we play, play ends, we are back to being friends. However, in my D/s relationships a scene is just part of the greater relationship, there are expectations which exist at all times. During a scene the dynamic might be heightened but that relationship does not end when the scene ends.

My D/s relationships thrive when I am fed information, the more I have the better I can structure and direct our relationship. I encourage clear communication whenever possible, and so I don’t let my partner just say “no”. They have to give me a reason, they need to explain why they don’t want to follow an instruction. They know that they need to be able to articulate a problem to me, it forces them to think about why they don’t want to do something, what reason they have and then to express it to me.

If I were to make a statement about an intended activity and she responded simply with “No” then that shuts down the conversation. I am left with no new information and, in my attempts to discern the reason for her having said no, might well settle upon a mistaken idea.

She said “No” to going to an event naked; “But why?” I ask myself “Is she feeling self-conscious about her body? Perhaps I need to work on building up her sense of self worth?” Now I am performing mental acrobatics trying to discern the reason for her reservation rather than focusing on our upcoming event. While in reality it might be as simple as she knows the venue is often cold.

Now in the scenario described above one would expect that such a simple thing would be explained. However, by placing the explanation at the forefront of the conversation it helps with those more complex issues. Is there an issue I am unaware of, does something make her feel uneasy? Then it must be explored, expressed and dealt with. Rather than place the conversation ending word “No”at the beginning of the conversation we remove it entirely.

If me partner ever responds to me with just “No” she knows that she is going to be in trouble, but if she comes to me with a problem and does her best to explain it then she knows that will only be met with care and support. This restriction and forcing of dialog is about more than just the issue being addressed, it is about training her in how to express a problem. I believe it is something us tops should be very aware of; we have to encourage and positively reward our bottoms whenever they come to us with a well articulated issue. They have thought about an order, considered your instruction and found there to be something they see as a real problem in carrying it out. That kind of dedication and care towards our instructions should always be rewarded with positive attention. At times they may come to us with half formed idea, maybe something just doesn’t feel right, then we should encourage them and work together to understand the root of the problem. We should never be angry that an instruction is being questioned when it is being done in a constructive way.

Even though my approach to two distinct forms of consent in the kink community are very different on the surface I believe they have the same underlying motivation, to draw out clear communication between everyone involved. For me communication is everything. Whether it is just confirming what Red means to a person I am about to scene with, or learning about a problem my D/s partner has with an order, through their communication I am learning, and getting better at what I do because of it.

About the Author

Will Hunt has been involved in the UK kink scene for the last 10 years; running clubs, teaching workshops, performing and generally encouraging naughty behavior wherever possible.

https://fetlife.com/users/2976273

Will Hunt

Taken by: Domina Mara

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