power exchange

The Education of Amanda: Power Exchange

August 22, 2016 By Amanda Lee 2 Comments

My education in the kinkster world began when I met my mentor. I wasn’t even looking for a mentor, it just kind of happened. I was talking on kik with someone I had met on Fet. I told him that I usually seemed to intimidate men when they met me, so I hadn’t yet met anyone who could dominate me. He said he could change that perception with one phone call. That was a pretty bold statement, and I told him so.

He said he knew it was, but he was confident. I agreed to call him the next day. I did, and at first we just talked about general things you talk about when you first meet someone. Then he started telling me that you can tell when a woman is becoming submissive – by the way she lowers her voice, the catch in her breath, and so forth. He started asking me things and I noticed that my voice was lowering and becoming quiet, my breathing was halted. I started nervously sliding my finger around a little patch on the back of my iPad, and he asked me, “What’s that scratching sound?” Scratching sound? It was just a little felt patch meant for cleaning the iPad screen. How could he possibly have heard that? It was unnerving. All of a sudden he said, “Take off your clothes.” I was shocked. He said, “All of them. Right now.” To my surprise, I did as he commanded.

He told me to lie on my back with my legs spread, ankles up to my ass, and not move. No one had ever bossed me around like this and I don’t know why but wordlessly, I complied. As I lay there naked, legs spread wide, it was outrageous, yet extremely hot. It was scary exciting, even though he was thousands of miles away and I knew couldn’t physically touch me. I was getting more and more aroused, my hands started moving to my pussy, and my legs started to fidget. “Stop moving. Put your hands under your ass and don’t touch yourself.” How could he know what I was doing? It was driving me crazy. I planted my hands under my ass as ordered, and tried not to move, but my feet kept twitching. “Stop moving your feet.” How could he know that my feet were moving? I have never in my life felt so completely under the microscope as I did that night. Nothing escaped his attention, and I was controlled by the strength of his focus.

After getting my body under control, he asked if I had any toys. I said I had one. He told me to go get it, and then get back in position. I was going crazy at this point, and raced to do what he ordered. After determining what kind of toy it was, he directed me exactly how he wanted me to fuck myself with the toy – the direction, the angle – and then I learned how to find my Gspot.

I had been a squirter for a few years before this, but it only happened when I was actually fucking a man, or they were fingering me. I never knew how to find it on my own. I certainly hadn’t planned to learn that night, alone in my bedroom. But all of a sudden, once I lined up the toy the way he instructed, I began squirting like crazy. I wish I had known beforehand! I would have brought a load of towels to the bed with me. Instead, I just soaked my very expensive bedspread with cum, but I didn’t even care. Frankly I was in awe at what this man was doing, using only his voice. I would never have thought it possible.

That night, he started asking me if I was a slut, did I want to be his good little whore, and my first response was, “I’m not a whore.” Since then, I have learned to love being called a slut and a whore (in the proper context, of course), and let go of a lot of other useless ideas in my mind. With a beginning like that, it’s no surprise that my interest in this life has grown by leaps and bounds. Although fortuitous, I can’t imagine a better introduction into the world of kink than this first, very intense, lesson from my mentor. And I will always be grateful to him for that.

Amanda Lee is a lusty and enthusiastic newcomer to the world of kink who identifies with the submissive/slave/bimbo roles. After a lifetime of vanilla sex, she began to explore her dark side on Fetlife just five months ago and never looked back. Starting with a mentor who exposed her rather quickly to many dynamics of the D/s and M/s relationships via Skype, she has moved on to real life adventures. In her professional life, she is a writer.

Power Exchange Dating: Part Three

August 15, 2016 By Mistress Sky 2 Comments

Read parts one and two here.

The Search for a S-type Life Partner

This is the last of three articles that considers what dating issues to keep in mind if you want to ease on into a power exchange partnership. This article is for those who want to find their S – type (submissive or slave).

How can I know if my dating partner is The One? Let’s think of how a person prepares to be in a power exchange relationship. Just how does a dominant dating person sharpen their focus to reach a goal of finding their S (submissive or slave)?

Things to Know from the Get-go
Think of dating as your own personal system of discovery. Your goal should always be dominance/submission partnership. Always be headed toward negotiations. Negotiations officially mark the beginning of a wonderful structured (your agreements) relationship.

How Prepared are You to Be a Partner
Dominant is not domineering. Dominance/submission calls for real leadership. You can check out your leadership muscles by reading business leadership classics like Whale Done by Kenneth Blanchard. Peter Masters’ The Control Book is excellent for understanding the power dynamic. Additionally, Raven Kaldera’s Building the Team and Dear Raven and Joshua teach a M/s model that shows D-type and the S-type responsibilities as complementary. Read a lot.

Dominants take the most responsibility for the structural elements of the relationship. Expect to have the most focus on macro items like the direction of the relationship. Find a good mentor if you are new. Cultivate healthy community for yourself now and later for you and your partner.

Be prepared to articulate an excellent description of your understanding of dominance/submission. Be ready to answer questions about how you would like to proceed. Be flexible in your thinking. Practice inclusive decision making so that you and your partner can act as an effective team.

In the Big Picture What Should a S-type Be?
Self-assurance, self-respect, and self-development equal healthy self-efficacy as opposed to dependency. Learn to recognize the difference. How well does the S-type speak up about their needs?

Think of the S-type as the implementing partner. The implementing partner takes your mutually held goals and runs with them. You want a good follow-through kind of partner. You should be experiencing their supportive energy and actions even as you date.

Your right person consistently will show you kindness, respect, and support as your dating history accumulates.

What are the Traits of Your Ideal S – type?
Know what your Dealbreakers are and be honest enough to discuss these openly and early. Your Must Have list should be short if it is to be realistic. Now, keep these in mind but hold them loosely, not with a closed-minded iron hand.

You, the dominant, must lead explicit discussions about control in the relationship. You should really like and enjoy the S-person’s reactions to what you have to say. How you handle yourself in one situation after another should be a shared pleasure.

Notice when your Big, Bad Dom(me) energy seems to rise to the surface. This is a good clue about the S-partner that you need. Can you associate this feeling with any people traits? For instance, in the movies a strong, independent hero(ine) comes on the screen and your dom(me) energy swells. Or, the hero part of the film comes and you see yourself as that hero saving the day for some curly haired, dimple-cheeked sub girl or boy. Was it the dark curly hair or the dimples that did it for you?

What Should You Avoid While Power Exchange Dating?
We, all, want to avoid dishonest, unethical people. Ask the person you are dating for references and check them. If they balk then consider their absence in your life as no loss.

You want to avoid manipulation and power grabs. Power With, not Power Over. Power With refers to sharing and true consent throughout the relationship, inclusiveness, excellent communication strategies, and empowerment for all. Power Over equals abuse. At the first signs of manipulation you have serious decisions to make about whether you are going forward. As for power grabs from the S side, watch out for struggles over control. You want to be vigilant about control that’s been ceded to you but then withdrawn later—a power grab from the S side. Such struggles can be dealt with or maybe this isn’t your person.

Some S-types will seem to run out of energy and/or lose focus as time passes. In that case, avoid a second date.

Always be Headed toward Negotiations
You, the dominant, should want to conclude dating with formal negotiations. Be gracious even if your date isn’t The One for You at This Time. But with one or more prospective S-types you’ll notice an easy partnership forming over time. Through your agreement-making you and your S-type partner are forming a vision of who you want to be. Congrats.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

Who Has the Power

May 17, 2016 By Baadmaster 7 Comments

With DomCon Los Angeles coming up this week, I thought it enlightening to examine the basis of all D/s relationships – the “power exchange.” After all, if you are attending, you will see lots of Dommes – from professionals to lifestylers – in their fetish wear. Thus power exchanges will be front and center — in your face, so to speak. And likely a vanilla or newbie friend of yours will say something like, “D/s isn’t real, it is just role play.” Not so fast!

In our world of consensual power exchanges, there is always the argument as to whether there is an actual exchange of power and who, in fact, wields it. Those doubters always use the argument that, “Slavery is illegal in the United States” or, “You cannot legally consent to be someone’s slave.” Those statements might be true in a technical sense; but I always counter with, “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” When I see a slave serving his/her Master or Mistress, it appears that they are in a Master/slave state. I haven’t yet seen a slave tell her Mistress “get your own fucking cup of coffee” — as I have with vanilla couples. Until I see Masters/Mistresses and their slaves bickering like vanilla couples, one can only conclude there is definitely an exchange of power.

As to who wields the power, that is a more complex question. I think the actual power exchange is a two stage process. The first one is the negotiation phase, which I have covered in previous Kink Weekly articles. Here, in my opinion, the submissive holds the power. The potential slave has the veto power and is the one generally stating his/her hard limits. This “veto power” is, by its very nature, un-submissive and, from the Dom/me’s point of view, can be a bit unsettling. But, as I have stated, “Until you actually negotiate a D/s agreement, no matter how rudimentary, you are not anyone’s submissive.” But once we get to the next stage – the actual power exchange – the dynamic changes.

After the hard limits and parameters are worked out, the submissive, duh, submits. Now the power is ceded to the Dom/me. The Dominant is given authority over a negotiated range of the submissive’s life – from sexual to lifestyle aspects. The degree of this power varies from couple to couple, but the power is clearly in the hands of the Dom/me. And the power is real.
So, if your vanilla or newbie friend says something like, “D/s isn’t real, it is just role play,” it is time to set them straight. Yes, there are role play aspects in all relationships. But once in a committed D/s union – either by slave contract or any other means – there is definitely a power exchange.

Those sexy Dommes at DomCon LA – or at any BDSM or Fetish Club — might put on a good show, but they do have real, negotiated power over their slave or slaves. And even if the power exchange is just for a scene or a play evening, the power that the Dom/me has over the slave is quite real. And can also be a lot of fun!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

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