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This week in kink, May 7, 2018

May 7, 2018 By Desdemona 5 Comments

Check out the on-going debate about consensual sadomasochism vs. violence and how our legal system handles such things. Click here to read more.

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San Francisco votes to recognize its Gay Fetish Leather District. Click here to find out more.

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Be sure to check out DomCon this weekend if you are in Los Angeles. Click here to check it out.

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Academia submits its final report for Consensual Relationships Policy. Click here to read more.

Welcoming partner


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”

Tagged With: bdsm, consent, D/s, domcon, fetish, gay, kink, leather, sadomasochism

Pro Dommes at DomCon LA

May 7, 2018 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

Sexy young woman with whip in mouth at night

With Mistress Cyan’s DomConLA coming up this week, it might be time to discuss the growing number of Pro Dommes in our community. Of course, as the popularity of DomCon has exploded over the years, it is not only for Dommes anymore. There are people attending from every part of the BDSM spectrum. That is what makes it fun. Still, the most obvious BDSMers are the Dommes, both pro and lifestyle – after all, who can ignore latex clad Dommes in their nine inch stiletto heels?!!! In this article, I will concentrate on the Pro Dommes, as they are making their presence known on all social media – especially Twitter.

Pro Dommes.  Now here is a BDSM subject that is rarely written about.  Yet, professional Dommes and bondage go together like chocolate chips and ice cream. Just go to any lifestyle convention – like DomCon in both Los Angeles and New Orleans — and you will see more pro Dommes than you can shake a stick (or cane) at.  Not only are pro Dommes plentiful, but – given their sexsational outfits – they are among the most flamboyant and hot members of our community. And they are one part of our community that keeps many D/s protocols alive. If we had to depend on the Fifty Shades people…need I say more?

The reason for this article isn’t to hawk the wares of pro Dommes (they do a fine job, thank you), but rather to spotlight another service other than just giving a sub a beating he/she can’t get conveniently at home. (Although this is a rather popular aspect of pro Dommery!)

I am often asked, “How does one learn about BDSM play?”  Obviously, reading the articles on kinkweekly.com, going to a commercial dungeon, being mentored and talking to people in the lifestyle are the best ways. There is, however, another often overlooked approach to “learning the ropes” – going to a pro Domme. Let me explain.

Let’s say you are a newbie Dom and sub. By hiring a pro Domme, you can see exactly how a professional Top uses the tools of torment in a safe and controlled environment; you can learn how to properly scene by experiencing it upfront and personal.

I recommend you only hire a professional who works out of a reputable  dungeon, or one with references or one you connect with at DomConLA! One advantage of a convention is that there are many Dommes to choose from and you can meet them face-to-face. You can also ask lots of questions – and asking questions is the best way to get an understanding of any subject.

Working with a pro Domme is not only a unique — and fun — way of learning for a beginner, but it can also work for the more advanced player.  As every Dominatrix has a specialty, you can hire one who is an expert in an advanced area – such as edge play – that you want to learn. I personally know a Master who learned needle play from a pro Domme. You do not have to become the Pro Domme’s submissive to hire her; you can pay for her time just to learn. Just ask and you will find out if this arrangement is acceptable.

If you are wondering why I say pro Domme and not pro Dom, it is because there are not a lot of pro Doms floating around.  Sorry guys, the fantasy of making a living by spanking women for a fee is a hard one to fulfill. And, though there are a few professional Doms around (many are riggers for BDSM photo shoots), most dungeons specialize in pro Dommes.  Such is life.

This is but a small preview of DomConLA – and in it I offered a new way to approach Pro Dommes to expand your BDSM experience. Obviously, not every Pro Domme will agree to be a “mentor for hire.” But as I said in last week’s article, “One size does not fit all.”

I might add an invitation: if you are attending DomConLA this week, I will be hosting a panel discussion (shameless plug) on “Are We All Switches?” at the convention next Saturday at 6 PM.

It is a live extension of my kinkweekly.com article of the same name.  In it I opened:

“I think that, in our modern society, it is nearly impossible for anyone to be Dominant 24/7. For example, many Dom/mes work for corporations and thus – unless they own the firm – have a boss. When Dominants, no matter how Toppy, are told at the DMV, “Go to this line,” chances are they will comply. Get a call from the IRS, they will jump like a submissive hit with a single tail. Get stopped by a cop for a ticket, who becomes submissive? Thus, most Dom/mes, whether they admit it or not, have “submissive events” in their lives.”

Join the discussion.  It should be informative, entertaining and fun!

 

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

 

Tagged With: baadmaster, bdsm, domcon, dommes, kink, Mistress Cyan, power exchange, Pro Dommes, sub

Over 1600 Kink Lovers Flock to DomCon LA 2017

July 17, 2017 By Jay E. Moyes 1 Comment

Los Angeles, CA – DomCon Los Angeles, the world’s premier professional and lifestyle domination convention was a huge success this year with over 1600 people attending. The event was May 17-21, 2017 at the Hilton LAX. The crowd was filled with BDSM enthusiasts, the kink curious, and high profile adult stars Nina Hartley, Irene Boss and Jewel Marceau, just to name a few.

Walking about the convention floor were fetish models wearing latex catsuits, dresses and hoods. Dominatrixes were clad in custom leather and boots. Vendors offered novel and perverse sex toys, along with electrifying fetish fashions. In the crowd were cosplayers, human pets in a variety of animal costumes, and elegant cross dressers. Regularly appearing onstage were rope bondage suspensions, whip demonstrations, spanking and burlesque dances.

A few of the lovely and talented Mistresses in attendance at DomCon LA. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.
A few of the lovely and talented Mistresses in attendance at DomCon LA. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.

Opening ceremonies were packed this year, and even shuttles to the Sanctuary LAX venue were standing room only. It marked the first awarding of the BDSM Hall of Fame winners. Among the initiated this year were Mistress Precious, Simone Justice, Mistress Tara Indiana, Domina Angelina and Mistress Servalan.

Puppies at the Pet Show. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.
Puppies at the Pet Show. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.

This year marked the first official “Kitty Parade,” through the vendor area, led by Mistress Porcelain Midnight in cat persona. Her human feline entourage followed, along with some pony players and even a
few puppy play friends.

Participants in the Pet Show and Kitty Parade. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.
Participants in the Pet Show and Kitty Parade. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.

First place in the pet show this year was Mistress Molly, who arrived as the unicorn pet of Mistress Porcelain Midnight.

Winners from the pony show on Saturday were Speckles, for the “High Point” award, Ms Mystie for “Best Trainer,” and Windu, for “Best in Show.”

The Whiplr Elite Lounge, hosted by Simone Justice, was a success at DomCon this year, offering Whiplr members a chance to get away from the crowds and socialize during the event. Among their guests were Mistress Bella Bathory, Snow Mercy, and Goddess Anat.

Simone Justice and anniebear at the Whiplr lounge. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.
Simone Justice and anniebear at the Whiplr lounge.

It’s not all about Femdom though. Master Kane was among the special guests of honor. DomCon also featured the Male Dom Social on Saturday, and Sir Valentino hosted a special Master/sub social on Sunday.

“This was Flirt4Free’s first time attending DomCon, and it was such an amazing and fulfilling experience,” said community outreach manager, Karly Kroft, Fetish Community Manager of Flirt4Free. “We were able to recruit some really great fetish broadcasters who we are very excited to have on our network. The connections we made are priceless, and we were so grateful for the warm and engaging welcome from the Kink Community!”

Vendors came from near and far to show off their latest innovations. Baroness brought her famous latex fashions from New York. Nix of Firebird Leathers displayed her “dragon scale” aluminum garments and light up feather Mohawk headdresses. Yet what got some of the most attention was the ultraviolet sex toy sanitizer from Kim Airs at the Leather by Danny booth.

Baby Love's Latex booth at DomConLA. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.
Baby Love’s Latex booth at DomConLA. Photo courtesy of SJ Studios.

“On behalf of myself, the staff and volunteers of DomCon LA, vendors, and our special guests, thank you so much for coming,” said Mistress Cyan. “We are grateful to everyone who came, and participated. Our kind thanks go out to the army of volunteers that make this event possible, and to our sponsors, Whiplr, Kink.com, Stockroom, and AVN.”

Mistress Cyan and the DomCon board are making strides in debuting a DomCon London or Australia event in the future. The next expo is DomCon New Orleans in October 5th-8th, which will include a fetish parade down Bourbon Street. Go to DomConNOLA.com to learn more.

Tagged With: bdsm, bdsm convention, domcon, domcon new orleans, domcon2017, DomConLA, dominatrix, Event

This week in kink, May 15th, 2017

May 16, 2017 By Desdemona Leave a Comment

DomCon LA is happening this week! This is Los Angeles’s largest and most highly attended event. I’m delighted to be speaking on a panel along with our regular contributor Baadmaster entitled “Old Guard vs. New Guard.” If you’re in the area we would love for you to attend Saturday, May 20th at 4:30pm. anniebear will also be in the audience giving out our famous Kink Weekly stickers. We’ve also posted up one of my favorite interviews I conducted with Mistress Cyan, the creator of DomCon. It’s a trip through the history of BDSM in Los Angeles.

-Dexx


Enjoy the incredible work of Sad Amish, a French tattoo artist. His themes focus on fetish, women, and mermaids. I’ll admit I got a bit lost in his Instagram and it takes a lot for me to say that!

Work by Sad Amish
Work by Sad Amish

I can’t even with this next story. You have to read it to believe it-an innocent mom mistakes a ball gag for a necklace. Check it out.


Have some kinky news to share? Tell us about any upcoming BDSM events, new products, dungeon openings / closings, collarings, kink in mainstream media, and anything else you think kinky folks might be interested to hear about. Send your tips through to news@kinkweekly.com, and it might just end up on next week’s “This Week in Kink”!

Tagged With: bdsm news, domcon, kink news, Mistress Cyan, sad amish, this week in kink

Dexx Interviews Mistress Cyan

May 15, 2017 By Desdemona 2 Comments

Cyan3

In honor of DomCon LA happening this weekend, we wanted to revisit this interview from last year’s DomCon issue. Mistress Cyan is the creator and visionary behind DomCon LA. You’ll get a glimpse of the history and importance of this annual event. Enjoy!

Dexx: You’re obviously a community leader, pioneer, and inspiration to a lot of the people in the BDSM community. I wanted to start at the beginning, when did you first come to realize you were kinky and have thoughts about BDSM?

Mistress Cyan: It actually goes back to when I was a kid, even just playing with friends; cowboys and Indians, cops and robbers. When you’d get captured for some reason it was almost a turn on about the restraint-either tying somebody up or being tied up whatever it was I didn’t even know what any of this was about but I knew I was attracted to it. I can remember even before having any sexual type of inclinations about doing self-bondage and just loving the feel of it all. Even to the point that at my age I grew up when they had the old Batman series and some of my favorite were the two parters and at the end of part one they would always be caught and there would be some kind of predicament thing. I thought that was so exciting. It’s something I think I was wired with. My upbringing was very normal. I had a good family, tight knit family. So there was nothing going on that was traumatic or anything else. I’ve looked back on it if there was anything that would have influenced me. I just can remember from a young age being interested in it.

And certainly the same for me and many other people I’ve spoken to in the community. It just seems to be something we’re prewired with.

Yes and there’s nothing you can point to and go oooh maybe that spurred it. There were times when I first got into the community or lifestyle legitimately playing and I was interested in bondage but things like spanking or flogging, that was the furthest thing from my mind. I was at a play party and met some people and they wanted to do birthday spankings and my thought was no I don’t want to do this, I’m not into pain but they talked me into it and it turned out to be very erotic. It wasn’t what I thought it was going to be and it opened my mind up to eventually some flogging, etc. and all of it was bringing me to a subspace that I really enjoyed. Having been dominant in every area of my life and doing sports in school I felt that maybe this was like yin yang, that balance that you need, being submissive. So for years I was submissive, collared and everything. My Master at one point wanted to switch and I thought oh my god I don’t want to do this its not going to be any fun but we did and it just sparked something in me. This was really where I belong and identify as much as the subspace was really nice, this was what really resonates with me. But I think that has made me a much better dominant, being on that submissive side and collared.

So once you made the change to being a dominant, was it a case that you didn’t look back?

Exactly, that relationship changed that night. The collar came off that night and in the last eighteen or twenty years whenever we have played I’ve always topped him. The whole dynamic changed.

You don’t miss being on the submissive side at all?

You know I was a professional bondage model up until just recently before I got sick and that satisfied that subspace thing. I’ve always been into bondage and I was actually a semifinalist for bondage model of the year for four years in a row. That kind of satisfied that. I still loved that. It’s enough to surrender rather than be submissive. It gets those endorphins and subspace and energy going.

How did you come to discover and join the scene itself?

When I started there was no internet. I had read things like Penthouse Forum and there was always one or two letters about kinky stuff and were very very erotic and it just resonated with me. So one day I got the courage to go to an adult bookstore. I explored some more of it and the whole world opened up to me essentially. I found a magazine that was basically just contacts, so I started to write and it was back in the days where you put a code number on the envelope and put it into another envelope and you send it to the publisher and they forward it. So I actually opened up a couple of conversations via mail with people who were local who were in the scene.

One of them invited me to a party. She said its my birthday and she says its important that you don’t tell anybody this is the first time we met because the people that are going to be here are vetted and everyone knows each other, it’s a very tight knit thing. But we’ve talked on the phone and via mail and I feel very comfortable with it. So I went to this party and it started out just like a birthday party but as time went on it was less and less people and I was thinking everyone left early and realized I hadn’t seen people leave through the front door. And I asked where’d everybody go and she said they’re out in the playroom. She said come with me and we went out and their garage was converted to a dungeon. We walked in and opened the door and all these BDSM scenes are going on and one of the first ones I see is this woman who’s suspended upside down, they’re dropping candle wax between her legs, she’s screaming bloody murder and I’m thinking to myself oh my god I gotta get out of here! I was still working in the corporate world and thinking if I get arrested or if this gets raided and she put her hand on my shoulder and said everything is consensual, everything is safe here, and everything is legal. When I watched that seen and they let her down there was just this warm embrace and great aftercare. It touched me, that closeness. It opened me up to exploring a little bit more. From that point on they introduced me to other people. And play parties back then that I was invited to, they had no places like Sanctuary or Lair it was all at peoples’ homes. I was just in heaven for four years with being on the sub side of things and looked forward to it. They were very nurturing and caring, all about safety, protocol, what you see and what you hear stays here. I felt that for the first time I could disclose things to them that I couldn’t even tell my closest friends. Unfortunately these days I think it’s more like information today is ammunition tomorrow with the internet. There’s less sense of responsibility to each other. But it opened up a whole world to me not only in the kink aspect but ethically and how you live your life as far as respect goes. It taught me a lot of things about the submission part, self control, self discipline. There were a lot of life lessons to be learned just from getting involved in it. But again it all went back to contacting people and asking questions and then having them open their arms and accepting me.

I guess for me having just come into the scene a lot more recently, it still seems to me like there’s now this wonderful community of people that you can open up to and talk to about things you’d never be able to say to people and generally without any fear that its going to come back to get you even despite the whole internet age which has been really nice.

I think that BDSM and the leather community have been integrating a little bit more because the leather community is all trust honor respect and the Old Guard. That goes a long way in how you live your life. We used to say BDSM is what we do, leather is who we are. I think in the last five years I’ve seen the two communities integrate a little bit better. I think some of the BDSM communities are starting to realize some of the ethical and lifestyle things of the leather community.

You talked about how you discovered your dominant side and then was it some time after that that you then actually transitioned into being a Pro-Dominant?

Yes, it was years actually. There was a dungeon in Los Angeles called 665 and many years ago they used to have a play space down in east Hollywood across from a church. I would go there and play and I got to meet people. I got mentored on how to do some of the stuff I did. Eventually met more people in 1986 I believe and moved in with some friends in Riverside. They had a big five bedroom two story house on an acre and a half of land and there’d be a party every second week of the month. I started getting entrenched in the lifestyle part of it and one day in I think 1991 somebody invited me to participate in doing a scene with them. I did it and it was like wow this was great we get to play and do all this stuff and I can actually get paid too that’s amazing! This is great! But my thought of ever doing it professionally was not even in the picture.

My background coming out of college; I worked myself up from a low level position to a director of operations for a 3.4 billion dollar company. Then when at one point the company relocated to North Carolina I chose not to. I was also managing bands at the time, so I went to full time doing that for years, so being a pro was a past time for me. In 94’ I met someone at a party and she invited me over to her space to see it and asked me if I’d be interested in working with her and partnering on the dungeon. So we started this little dungeon in Glendale. And as I started going, the interest in the Domination did not wan. It seemed like it fueled it. I enjoyed meeting people and playing with new people. So I made the decision to stop managing bands and concentrate on Pro-Domming and that’s what I’ve done ever since.

And did you have any particular influences or mentors during that period that helped you?

Yes actually there was one Pro-Domme who’s actually now retired named Jennifer Antone. She was a big influence. When I was submissive she had been playing with me and then taught me. But there were people that were teaching at Society of Janus and TES in the east coast and those were some of my mentors. Not just technique but what you’re trying to accomplish from it and having experienced it I could understand it. I felt that I had really good mentoring and training. When I started to do it professionally, the clients that I had would come to me about how there was magic between us, how I could sense it. What I realized I had learned through my experiences as being a submissive and being mentored is that when I was playing with someone, their body would speak to me more than their words were. If I really paid attention their body would tell me how far to go. That made them want to come back and see me. That launched my career.

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In your time of both personal and professional play do you have any particular memorable or creative scenes that you’ve been involved in?

Actually for me almost all of my scenes are memorable in a way. I’ve had some pretty crazy ones. I had one guy come in and want to do an interrogation scene and he wanted it to be very intense, be threatened and shot-to actually be shot. I’m a pretty creative person. He said nobody would do this and I said ok I’ll do it. He was kind of shy and we planned a date. He came over and we started doing this whole interrogation scene and what I’d done was get a paint ball gun and red paint balls. We’re doing the whole scene wanting him to talk and him not wanting to talk so finally I drag him into the main room and put him up and pull out this gun and all of a sudden the fear of God is in his eyes. I start telling him I’m going to shoot him, but he has one more chance. He’s thinking as scary as this is I’m not really going to do it. He declines so I shot him with the paint ball gun. All of a sudden VOOM! the projectile hits him and the red splatters! He was just blown away with it and it was one of those scenes that was a roleplay that really took a life of its own and went there. What heightened it all for him was because he wasn’t expecting it to really happen. He was expecting it to be a toy or something. The effect of the paintball and visual of the red was very intense. It was just an amazing scene.

Did he talk!?

(Laughs) At that point he was talking more saying thank you mistress that was incredible!

So I know that the Sanctuary space used to be Passive Arts and that ended with a a particularly tragic incident and I guess I’m curious to know what impact that had on the LA community?

Severe. Severe. I was very close with John who owned Passive Arts and as a matter of fact I had done some of my fundraisers here. John was a really great person, he cared about the community, he cared about making people happy. So when the tragedy happened it was pretty devastating. A large part of the community felt a big loss. Not only the loss of John but this place was so big it held so many people this was like home to so many people. And the estate contacted me and said we’ve got a lot of people coming here with money and want to redo it but we don’t think any of them are doing it for the right reasons. It looks like it’s a financial investment that people want to make that think it’s a cash cow and we know you were close with John and you’ve got a good reputation and in a nutshell we would like to find out if you would be interested in taking the space over.

Up until then I thought there was no way I could ever do that. I don’t know if I could take it and feel good inside, benefiting from the loss of somebody else. They explained to me if there was anybody John would want to take it over it would be me. So I got a couple of investors together and we scraped up enough to get the thing open again. The community has been very supportive. My commitment to the estate was that Passive Arts was Passive Arts and it couldn’t be replaced so what my goal here at Sanctuary was to take what John had to the next level. I’d bring it to another stage of its evolution.

And do you feel that you’ve achieved that objective?

Yes I do. And I’ve gotten that from the community but its still a work in progress and every day, every month we’re doing something different. Where we wanted to be is still not there but despite what people might think this is not a cash cow, we don’t get rich here (laughs) and having been in the corporate world I understand about growth and if you grow too fast it can be bad. So we try to maintain our budget and grow slowly and put money back into the business that we can afford to. But we’d rather take baby steps to get to the big goal rather than do it all at once and stumble and have something happen where we have to close the doors.

Most dungeons seem either cater to lifestylers or professionals. But clearly here you cater to both. Why do you think other dungeons don’t do that and do you think that that’s presented any unique challenges to you?

Number one I cant say why people don’t do it I can only say for me since the year 2000 I’ve been actively promoting truth in this. Kind of like the story about how I started DomCon. I was in a Yahoo group, a BDSM group and one day I went to log on I couldn’t log on, it said I wasn’t allowed. I thought I’d forgotten the password. So I contacted the moderator and she responded and said well you’ve been banned because you’re a professional and this is a lifestyle group. And I said I’ve been doing lifestyle for ten years, I’m lifestyle before I’m professional I just happen to be able to choose a career that I happen to be able to live with and not have this as a job as a life. They said sorry there are no professionals. So I started setting my goals on trying to change that. That’s how I came up with the concept of DomCon because it’s professional and lifestyle.

But as far as the dungeon goes, there was no reason why the professional people and lifestyle people cant mingle. My philosophy if you’re going to be a successful professional it has to be something that you love. A kid can watch Kobe Bryant play basketball and find out he makes fifty million dollars and if he’s motivated by money and says oh I’m going to do that playing basketball, if he doesn’t like doing it he’s not going to be very successful with it. If he loves basketball he’s going to do well and succeed. The same thing with our business. If you don’t like what you’re doing or doing it for the money you don’t last. It was not a way to get rich quick. So most professionals are lifestyle people who came from the lifestyle. They didn’t just decide one day they’re going to wake up and be a pro. And those that have generally aren’t around. Some simple guidelines for my staff, my pros know that in our lifestyle parties its not about soliciting, its not about business, its about the lifestyle. If you come to the parties you’re here to play. You’re not here on business or anything like that. And during the day we treat it as a job, as work. So there’s a certain amount of separation even though the venue itself caters to professional, lifestyle, and also we’ve got promoters coming and doing men only parties so we have the gay and lesbian and pansexual communities, we’ve got classes and workshops so we’ve been able to use the facility because of its size to incorporate and try to do more of a community center of BDSM so we can bring people together.
You asked me about the complications there have been some. There are some people that say oh that’s a pro dungeon you don’t want to go there its just a pro dungeon or we keep trying to get categorized in one thing but we try to not be categorized. We’ve had weddings here. We’ve had memorials. As being the biggest dungeon in Los Angeles we feel we also have a responsibility to community. That’s one of the reasons why I think we try to do so much.

I guess my other question would be clearly almost all of the professionals you see are women, is there any demand for male pros?

Not very much. And the reason I think is that they –and there are exceptions-in general some of the fantasies that submissive guys have as far as seeing a master is sexual. And being a professional dominant in a professional field we cant cross sexual lines. There cant be oral/genital contact or penetration. And I’ve experienced the same thing even as transsexual. They seem to think that well if somebody hasn’t had their surgery they can? And that’s what’s attracting them. Most female dominants that they see they know there’s not going to be sex involved and they’re going for the BDSM part of it where if it’s a male or somebody who’s transgendered they assume there can be more to it and it can fulfill some other fantasies and when they found out they cant it’s the sexual fantasy rather than BDSM that attracts them so most men would do some sessions but there are very few out there that can make a career out of it.

You’ve suggested based on that answer that most clients are men is that true?

Yes.

So very few women would come through for pro sessions?

I would say that we’ve got about 85-90% men. We have some couples that come in who are exploring and because of movies like Fifty Shades and things like that that opens up a door of curiosity and they’ll come here and they can meet with a Domme and get walked through it or both experience a scene being flogged or bondage, those kind of things. Or if they’re dominants they can come and play with a submissive because they may not be able to find somebody.

Have you had some challenges from employing so many professional Dommes and subs under one roof?

(laughs) Yea, like herding cats sometimes. There can be drama. When you’ve got forty women working for you it can be challenging. And not everyone sees eye to eye as far as personalities. But generally, as a rule the challenges are minor. As I’ve said I come from a large corporation and I dealt with different challenges. Whatever it is you’re going to find it. Here its more of a sisterhood or family. New girls that come in get taken under our wings and taught technique. We work with them.

I’ve spoken with several different people in the community some of whom work for you, others who don’t who have mentioned you as a mentor. Is that something you think you’ve been drawn to?

Again this goes way back to the old way before the internet. When I first came into it you got in by meeting somebody and I was taught no body ever charged me. Nobody ever said yea I’ll show you how to flog if you schedule time with me. It was all about showing me. Back then there were no classes like there are today so it was impressed upon me, our community is going to grow because we pass on the knowledge and experience. So we’re investing our time in teaching you, we expect you to spend your time teaching somebody else and they’re going to teach somebody else. So I’ve always been in a mentoring capacity. In 2007 the LA Leather Coalition awarded me the mentor of the year. I was very honored two years ago LA weekly wrote an article on me calling me the most respected Dominatrix in Los Angeles. A lot of it is because it feels very rewarding to give back. And I love it when I see somebody who sees me florentine and says oh I can never do that and you’re working with them and they get it down and its just a pleasure to know you’ve helped them on a journey. Unfortunately I don’t have the time and energy to teach one on one as many people as I would like to. We do a lot of fundraising and charity events and that gives you a feeling inside that can’t be replaced just like teaching does. I’ve been a guest speaking at UCLA, Long Beach State, Occidental College, Northridge and I’m scheduled at a three day speaking engagement at Stanford later in the year. It’s very exciting because it seems like the colleges are opening up so that stigma of what we do is being put more in perspective and then understanding is coming and its not all about being sick. They’re trying to understand.

Do you run into any difficulties with local government or law enforcement?

No. One of the things here is we’ve been the only dungeon in LA and probably in the country that actually has our address running on our websites. We’re totally above board. We don’t do anything that crosses lines legally so we have the support of our landlord and neighbors. The sheriffs, when they get a new officer they bring them down for a tour. For our parties they drive by and wave. They really watch out for us.

I see the district attorney’s card up there. (In Mistress Cyan’s office)

Yes! They’ve been very supportive. As a matter of fact when I was out having my cancer treatment they did a fundraiser and a lot of people showed up to the point that the parking lot was full and people were parking down the street. We have a guy who watches the parking lot and walks people out to their cars. He volunteered to drive people parked far away. So he was driving people and on one of the trips he got the red light on him and the sheriffs pulled him over and he thought uh oh. And the sheriff came up to the window and said do you work at Sanctuary and he said yes and they said tell Mistress Cyan we’re pulling for her. It really warmed my heart and surprised me and it sent a message to the people that were there that they are aware of what we do, they’re supportive and they care. We are very respectful. The fire department comes in checking the fire extinguishers. We try to do everything on the up and up and not do anything to cause trouble. There was a commitment I made to myself back in 1999 that I wasn’t going to put time and energy and money into space where we had to hide it because if I had a landlord or police coming in and shut us down all that was gone. So it’d be much better to be open and disclose everything and if we’re going to have a problem have it early on and not later.

Do you think that the law generally is working for people who are in the BDSM lifestyle in California and elsewhere or do you think there are any laws that need to be changed?

Well, I think that there’re a number of laws that should be changed. But in California in Los Angeles technically what we do is illegal because of domestic violence laws. Most states have a law that says you cannot consent to being assaulted and they passed that because in domestic violence the wife would get beat up and then wouldn’t want to press charges. So they enacted these laws that say even if she doesn’t press charges, the state can press charges. So essentially if we’re spanking someone we could be arrested even if both people say its consensual. But in Los Angeles and society as a whole are growing to learn the difference. There are some places in California and the country that that’s not the case. Unfortunately depending on where our future goes with the government there are some people that would like to see us not be able to do anything. There are some people who understand it and feel that the law should be expanded. We don’t do strap on play because its penetration. There’re a lot of people that come from Europe other Dommes and they’re so surprised when they get here for DomCon and say “You cant do that here?!” There’s a feeling in a lot of the industry that there should be a difference or something that’s loosened up a little bit. But then you get into a whole sociological situation about what is prostitution. Right now pro domination has got a pretty clean cut line and we try as much as possible to maintain that image. But again the independents and there are people out there that do that and already do prostitution and will add BDSM so it tends to blur the line to some people who don’t know what we do.

I imagine its pretty hard to find a politician that will champion the loosening of BDSM laws when so many people who are into BDSM are unwilling to come out and say that publicly.

Yes. Again we have a mayor Gil Garcetti who is very open. We just finished the LA Leather week here. He’s been very supportive. He gave one of the gay leather bars The Bullet an accommodation for their service and commitment to the community for the last twenty two years. I’ve got something out here that I received back in 2007 from the City of West Hollywood, an accommodation for leadership and community support. There is a lot of them that are but for every one that is willing to champion the cause there’s a hundred who aren’t. In an election year you never know which way its going to go.

So lets talk about DomCon. You’ve been doing this for quite a while now?

Yes, this will be our thirteenth year. In LA and Atlanta.

You mentioned before about what inspired you to start it, wanting to create an event for both professionals and lifestylers.

Yes I wanted to bring it together because being from the lifestyle and being professional and knowing a lot of the other professionals who started in the lifestyle and trying to bring an understanding that if somebody is going to be a car mechanic, they don’t get up one day and decide they’re going to be a car mechanic. They go to school and learn. Instead of going to school for it we got involved in the lifestyle and we lived it kind of like on the job training. So it was very disturbing to feel that we were being not accepted by the lifestyle community. Also when I started I realized that some of the professionals were getting a little jaded after they had come out of the lifestyle and become professional feeling like maybe they were a little bit above the lifestyle people because lifestyle people do it once a week but we do this every day. So it was like lets try to bring something educational to bring people together to understand it. The first year or two it was a little challenging but when I first started I envisioned it as a nice LA event. I had no idea it was going to be this huge. But within three months it became a national event, it blossomed.

The very first one?

Yup! And we had people come from Europe and everything. One of the most satisfying things after we did the first one was the chatter online. The people talking about how they met some of the pros and we thought they were just all about the money but they’re real people, very polite and nice. And the professional community was talking about being really surprised. Some of the lifestlye people, the technique they had was amazing. So it kind of brought some of that together a little bit. It started out as just a Friday night meet and greet and then Saturday, Sunday convention and we expanded it out to four days and now its five.

Essentially DomCon was trying to have an educational event to bring people together, predominantly professional and lifestyle communities. Then start to integrate the other areas of alternative lifestyle; the leather community, gay/lesbian, anything that celebrates our commonality but respects our diversity. DomCon was never about trying to homogenize it. We’re not all one big happy family but we do share some things. Everybody fits in at Domcon

So DomCon must be some of the largest BDSM events in the country.

Yes. As a matter of fact we’re the largest professional and lifestyle Domination convention in the world. There’re some other fetish events that are much bigger but as far as what our niche is we are the biggest. This year we have people coming from Australia, Belgium, England, Mexico, all over.

DSC_0007

How many people are you expecting to attend?

Last year we had about 1500. This year I think this is going to be bigger because of the hotel rooms selling out much earlier. The buzz seems to be much greater this year.

You talked a little bit about some of the different subgroups within the BDSM community, do you think that now that we’re getting a lot of newcomers into the scene particularly in the last couple of years that there’s a clash of culture between some of the old guard and newer?

There was about two three years ago and what we noticed was that the times are changing and things are changing. Some of the more established Dommes have been doing this for ten or twenty years and are used to it a certain way and we started to realize that maybe there seems to be a bias between some of the newer Dommes that are calling themselves online Dommes. They get the comments that say they’re not real. How can you be Domme if it’s just an online thing. You know what, we cant allow our culture to fall into the same trap that it was twenty years ago when we started all of this. We started because there was a separation, there was inclusiveness. Just because there are things that are being done right now that weren’t done in the past, doesn’t mean they’re wrong or there should be judgment against them. Really what we should be doing is making sure that we embrace even though things are done differently now and there may be online domination or things that traditionally weren’t done. Doesn’t mean its wrong or not legitimate. I have an advisory board of ten pros and lifestyle people that are very experienced and we made a commitment; let’s not allow the convention or our professional community to walk into a judgmental thing. We embraced that. As a result some of the people that came to that are starting to teach some of the older pros who have been established about some of the online stuff and what can be done and they’re also learning now and going to class and learning techniques so instead of just doing virtual stuff they’re actually learning how to flog and about the safety and psychology.

So you touched on something which is interesting, online and financial domination. I guess from the outside it might appear to be something that is a scam. But in your experience is this a legitimate thing which some people are into and is satisfying to them?

Yes it is. One of the things we have to never forget is that with what we do both sides have to benefit. Whether it’s a personal relationship, D/s or BDSM. So if a Dominant is forcing you to give you their money that’s not going to last. The people who are into financial domination they for whatever reason are feeling some kind of fulfillment. I’m not in a position to judge why but they’re not being forced to do it. They’re doing it because they care about the person or its their way of submission or giving back. If financial domination exists and its an ongoing thing its because both parties are getting something out of it. It may very well be that the person who’s just sending money is having an online relationship. My experience is that financial domination isn’t about someone just writing a check and that’s it.

One criticism that is often made about BDSM is that it can be a haven for predators. Do you think there’s any truth in that?

I think there’s an element of truth in that. Again, the internet has opened us up to the world. When I was coming through it you had to walk in the footsteps of people. They taught you. These days, the internet teaches but its also opened a door to people who are predators and can go online and learn what you’re supposed to say and how to say it they can really lure somebody in. Our community the BDSM/fetish/leather is going to be like any other community. You’re going to have your good and your bad. You’re going to have some people that really care and others will be there to exploit. We’re not special. Just because we happen to be kinky doesn’t mean everyone has a halo and that’s why I’m a big advocate of doing classes. We have BDSM 101 classes here every Monday night for beginners. Just because someone calls themselves a Dom does not mean they’ve mastered the art of how to be a dominant person they’re just dominating someone. But realistically we’re just like any other community.

On more of a serious note I know you were diagnosed with cancer last year. How did that feel when you first heard that diagnosis, what was that experience like for you?

Very disturbing. Actually a little bit after DomCon I had a bit of a sore throat and I had a little lump in the side of my neck. I went to the doctor and they did a quick look, they checked for strep throat it wasn’t and the doctor said if it persists come back. So I waited about ten days and it wasn’t changing. I went back and a different doctor looked at me and said I see your right tonsil does not look good, its not normal. So they sent me to a specialist and they did a biopsy and a CAT scan and tests. They called and told me the biopsy came back as cancer. All of a sudden in a week’s worth of time, I’ve never had any health issues so I was disturbed and worried about it. My dad died of lung cancer, he smoked for forty years and I saw how he went and this is not the way I want to go. I’ve never smoked anything in my life, I live a healthy lifestyle and here I am being diagnosed with this. I immediately went online and researched what I was going to be going through. It was scary reading about chemo and radiation. I even went as far as to thinking if they tell me it’s really bad, I’m going to look into Oregon’s assisted suicide and have myself surrounded by friends and family and go peacefully on my own terms. Kaiser called and scheduled an appointment with a team of dentists and doctors and they told me it was a stage 4A and it was a slow cancer I’ve probably had over a year and didn’t know it. They said this was a type of cancer that responds well to treatment and rarely comes back. Their biggest concern was that I’m skinny and going through this treatment was really hard. If you don’t stay strong psychologically you’re going to give up. It was an experience, life changing. Last week I had my scan that confirmed I was cancer free, it’s all gone. The prognosis is that this cancer rarely returns. I’ll be sixty two next week and they expect me to live another twenty or thirty years and die of old age so it was a load off of my shoulders. I’m still working, I’m not 100% yet, I’m at about 75%.

You mentioned that the cancer impacted some of the projects you’ve had going on and amazingly you’ve carried on.

Well I’m surrounded by a lot of great people. All of the toy and food drives I do, everyone is always thanking me but if they didn’t come out to support then there wouldn’t be anything.

You mentioned before about the mental strength that helped get you through. Where do you think that comes from?

Well I think it’s realizing that people care and realizing that you contributed something to this world. There’re things that I’ve done over the years that have improved peoples’ lives or made their life better. Early on from the very beginning it’s about giving back. Nothing comes for free, you have to invest something. The investment I’ve made over time was about helping people and being there so when the time came that I needed help and support the people were there emotionally for me, people were there letting me know that I was missed that I meant something. It was knowing that all these years of helping people and giving to people, now I’m in a situation where I need their support and needed financial help. People told me they were pulling for me and I would be missed. That made me feel really good.

Or being a pioneer in the community itself and changing a lot of peoples’ lives and enabling them to come out and explore.

Yes, and I still think I can make more of a difference.

Mistress Cyan is a lifestyle and professional Dominatrix in Los Angeles. She is the owner of Sanctuary LAX, the largest dungeon in the greater Los Angeles area and the producer of DomCon LA and Atlanta. You can contact her here.

Tagged With: coming out, domcon, dominatrix, interview, Mistress Cyan

New Organization Founded, Los Angeles Consent Summit

May 30, 2016 By Wry 1 Comment

Los Angeles Consent Summit: A Coalition of Communities

On Wed May 18th, the first Los Angeles Consent Summit took place at The Hilton LAX, in conjunction with DomCon. The basic concept began as a gathering of the many underground and alternative communities in LA, as represented by various leaders, venue owners, party throwers, and event coordinators. Rather than a lecture or gathering of academics, the summit was held as a round table, open forum discussion in a town hall meeting format.

The intention was to create conversation and, eventually, a united consensus among our many overlapping and merging underground cultures, including: Burner, raver, electronic dance music, BDSM, fetish, goth, industrial, swinger, polyamory, Cosplay, Ren Faire, Fantasy, Costume Culture, Rocky Horror Picture Show, and more. The goal was to take the first steps toward consensus and discuss consent, especially the realities of law, community standards, liability, prevention, solidarity, Restorative Justice, and enforcement.

Consent Summit organizer Wry.
Consent Summit organizer Wry.

The general public was not invited, as attendees were vetted and hand chosen for their standing in our communities. We trust that the leaders of our communities will disseminate our conclusions to their personal sphere of influence, as they see fit. At a later date, we may conduct a larger event intended for the general public. Also, the founding of an organization and association, administrated by a Board of Directors, is in process.

Firstly, I thank everyone who participate, plus all who couldn’t attend and yet still supported the cause. Thank you very much. Special thanks to Mistress Cyan for providing us the time and space to make use of the Hilton during the opening day of DomCon. Mistress Cyan owns and operates the legendary Sanctuary LAX dungeon and club, a leader of the BDSM community in high standing, and the founder of DomCon, the largest BDSM and fetish convention in SoCal. This was my fifth year attending and a great honor in my 2nd year as a presenter.

This first LA Consent Summit was a resounding success regarding a specific goal: creating an in depth and productive conversation among the leaders of a vast array of subcultures who call LA their home, on equal footing. As far as we know, this is a first in the modern history of LA.

We defied expectations, which I must admit were grim in the eyes of many. Some people were expecting a dramatic yelling match, which would amount to more tension and less peace. Similar things have happened in the past, but not this time.
Our moderator was the ever engaging Sex Nerd Sandra (Sandra Daugherty), a recognized sex and relationship educator with over 14 million podcast downloads. Having played similar roles in the past, she volunteered to keep the conversation civil, on task, timely, productive, and efficient. In her own words:

“I was thrilled for the challenge. As a facilitator for such a tense subject, I made sure everyone knew I had made missteps around consent. I was impressed at how much people were glad to get into the advanced leadership skill sharing portion. I figured we’d talk 101 feelings and airing out of grievances, but it was clear our group was rearing to get proactive and solution-oriented.

“I was impressed and pleased with everyone’s patience and wisdom. The last thing I wanted was to be the boss of consent. I got to run around, hand people the mic, crack jokes and keep us to time. These LA community leaders made my job easy. Thank goodness. I was shaking at the start, all eyes on me, no one quite sure where we were headed that night. I kept reminding myself that this was a neat adventure we were creating together. ‘Twas pretty radtastic.” – Sandra Daughtery, SexNerdSandra.com

Sex Nerd Sandra Consent Summit

Congratulations and gratitude go to Sex Nerd Sandra for her extensive contributions to this first effort, including defining elements of the format and direction. Several recognized leaders of our communities have expressed interest in filling these shoes in the future. Due to privilege and the nature of power, we intend to keep in mind women, trans, POC, LGBTQA+, and other underrepresented groups for this moderator role.

Some of our goals:

– Discuss the future of consent and bring us one step closer to consensus on these matters.
– Determine the difference in enforcement and consequences regarding legal matters, community standards, specific event rules, and common decency.
– Assemble lists of resources for victims, including access to free initial consultations with lawyers, therapists, EMDR specialists, and psychiatrists who are kink and non-monogamy aware, as well as LGBTQA+ aware.
– Develop a Big Sisters, Big Brothers, and Big Non-Binaries program, providing victims and their families direct access to solidarity, wisdom, and friendship.
– Discuss how best to address the endless list of unaddressed violations from the past. If the victims wish to do so, this may include bringing justice where necessary, while keeping in mind that forgiveness, education, and redemption may be possible.
– Discuss how to prevent violations in the future.
– This is only the beginning. If the task list grows too long, we shall create an ongoing dialogue with possibly a biannual event, which would take place in late September.

Sandra in action during the discussion.
Sandra in action during the discussion.

At a later date, I wish to give credit where credit is due for the initial wisdom and inspiration of others. Inspiration has come from many places. None of us can do this alone and all of us can achieve something meaningful together.

Other similar events and Consent Summits exist, but in particular, our format differs. Our event featured no VIPs. No special guests. No scheduled speakers. No stage. No key note address. No hierarchy of importance among the attendees, other than the actual invite itself. This was by design and no accident. If you were invited, it was due to your role in our communities: past, present, and future.

Some basic guidelines for our future events:

– A townhall, group conversation, not a lecture.
– 2 mics: moderator and participant from the roundtable.
– Each event features a different moderator, as to avoid repetition and to increase inclusion.
– Time limits per speaker, with soft reminders leading up to cut off.
– Basic discussion structure, primarily driven by the audience.
– Diversity, individually, regarding race, gender, sexuality, age, and other orientations.
– Unity of various communities, as well as clear distinctions among them.
– Realistic action plans for the short term and long term.
– Increasing awareness of currently available resources and concepts, rather than reinventing the wheel.
– As free as possible, in a non-profit situation
– At differing days and times, as to appeal to various work and social schedules.
– And most importantly, a commitment to admitting that we can all do better, not only in our individual lives, but as a city. Our communities make up this city, not just our personal realms of influences.

Example of one of the major topics discussed at the summit; rape culture mentality.
Example of one of the major topics discussed at the summit; rape culture mentality.

The original intent was an annual event. Now, a quarterly schedule is being considered. One event each 3 months or so, taking place at various venues around the county. Furthermore, I personally will be hosting these summits across the nation over the next 18 months, side by side with my tour for my “Polytalks and Wry Relationships”. The task ahead of me is extremely ambitious and request your support. The next dates taking place are in San Diego (weekend of June 25th) and San Francisco (weekend of July 23rd).

Full disclosure: This article was written by the organizer and director of this event. My name is Wry. I am a relationship, sex, and BDSM educator specifically focused on Non-Monogamy and Polyamory. In addition, I’ve been the event coordinator for numerous events throughout Los Angeles, the co-founder of the Los Angeles chapter of Kinky Salon, a leader and event host with Sex Positive LA, and a frequent performer in the BDSM lifestyle community. My full bio can be found here.

Tagged With: consent, consent summit, domcon, rape culture

Top Ten Things I Learned at DomCon 2016

May 23, 2016 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

DomCon logo

Now that DomCon is over, those of us that attended are kind of “bondaged-out.” So instead of offering my typical seven hundred word BDSM article, I thought it was time for a lighter take on the world of kink. Thus, “Top Ten Things I Learned At DomCon” — a ridiculous, politically incorrect list that probably makes no sense. (Thanks to David Letterman – a Dom!) Feel free to add to it!

1. Being a fetish photographer is better than being President of the United States.
2. Donald Trump, a sub in real life, was a no-show. Or in disguise.
3. Latex clad Dommes always look the hottest. This never changes.
4. All the Dominants staying at the hotel were on the top floors.
5. All the submissives roomed on the bottom floors.
6. The service slaves were in rooms next to the ice/vending machines.
7. Cross dressing has nothing to do with the Catholic Church.
8. Not one Dom arrived by helicopter.
9. There’s no betting on the DomCon Pony Show.
10. Conrad Hilton is spinning in his grave!

The Kink Weekly crew met a lot of lifestylers and had a blast. For those of you who missed the convention, we’ll be posting a full recap in next week’s issue.

See you next year!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: domcon, domcon la

Who Has the Power

May 17, 2016 By Baadmaster 7 Comments

lucy article

With DomCon Los Angeles coming up this week, I thought it enlightening to examine the basis of all D/s relationships – the “power exchange.” After all, if you are attending, you will see lots of Dommes – from professionals to lifestylers – in their fetish wear. Thus power exchanges will be front and center — in your face, so to speak. And likely a vanilla or newbie friend of yours will say something like, “D/s isn’t real, it is just role play.” Not so fast!

In our world of consensual power exchanges, there is always the argument as to whether there is an actual exchange of power and who, in fact, wields it. Those doubters always use the argument that, “Slavery is illegal in the United States” or, “You cannot legally consent to be someone’s slave.” Those statements might be true in a technical sense; but I always counter with, “If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s a duck.” When I see a slave serving his/her Master or Mistress, it appears that they are in a Master/slave state. I haven’t yet seen a slave tell her Mistress “get your own fucking cup of coffee” — as I have with vanilla couples. Until I see Masters/Mistresses and their slaves bickering like vanilla couples, one can only conclude there is definitely an exchange of power.

As to who wields the power, that is a more complex question. I think the actual power exchange is a two stage process. The first one is the negotiation phase, which I have covered in previous Kink Weekly articles. Here, in my opinion, the submissive holds the power. The potential slave has the veto power and is the one generally stating his/her hard limits. This “veto power” is, by its very nature, un-submissive and, from the Dom/me’s point of view, can be a bit unsettling. But, as I have stated, “Until you actually negotiate a D/s agreement, no matter how rudimentary, you are not anyone’s submissive.” But once we get to the next stage – the actual power exchange – the dynamic changes.

After the hard limits and parameters are worked out, the submissive, duh, submits. Now the power is ceded to the Dom/me. The Dominant is given authority over a negotiated range of the submissive’s life – from sexual to lifestyle aspects. The degree of this power varies from couple to couple, but the power is clearly in the hands of the Dom/me. And the power is real.
So, if your vanilla or newbie friend says something like, “D/s isn’t real, it is just role play,” it is time to set them straight. Yes, there are role play aspects in all relationships. But once in a committed D/s union – either by slave contract or any other means – there is definitely a power exchange.

Those sexy Dommes at DomCon LA – or at any BDSM or Fetish Club — might put on a good show, but they do have real, negotiated power over their slave or slaves. And even if the power exchange is just for a scene or a play evening, the power that the Dom/me has over the slave is quite real. And can also be a lot of fun!

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

Tagged With: D/s, domcon, dominatrix, dommes, femdom, power exchange

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