power exchange

Domination Without Humiliation

August 21, 2017 By Baadmaster 1 Comment

beautiful redhead dominatrix holding riding crop — via stock.adobe.com

With the proliferation of Pro Dommes on the Internet, one would think Domination always entails humiliation. Granted, the Pro Domme community might be the one group that is keeping the traditional protocols of BDSM alive – surely the “Fifty Shades” Millennials are not doing it. Nevertheless, to the casual observer, it would appear that humiliation is an integral part of all Fem Domme activities. But what of those – masochists especially – who simply want their balls busted? Since few articulate their play needs, I am here to offer a purely “play only” beginners guide to CBT or Cock and Ball Torture. Without any humiliation!

As a beginner, whenever you are doing a BDSM scene that entails pain, avoiding injury is one of the prime directives, as Captain Picard would say. The cock and balls have ultra-sensitive pain centers for a very important reason – they are integral to our species survival (Darwin 101) and pain is the warning light that there is danger of injury. The correlation between pain and injury is thus significant when dealing with this area of the body. And the genitals are one area you simply don’t want to permanently injure. (This might not be as true for flogging on the butt. You can really flail away with a lot of pain here before you start to cause serious or permanent injury.) Although causing pain is one of the objectives in cock and ball scening, a good Dominant learns the skill of administering pain while keeping on the safe side of the injury line. This can be hard to learn when dealing with CBT – with its extreme pain and potential for injury — for the very first time.

If you are new to CBT, here is a two-part system that is both safe and fun. The first part is to agree on safe words and safe signals. Second, make a list of about a dozen CBT scenes that you would like to attempt, intrigue you or turn you on. Here, by way of example, is what might be a typical list.

1. Crushing the male’s testicles under high heels.
2. Using a leather ball ring to stretch the balls.
3. Adding weights to the leather ball ring.
4. Clothespins on the scrotum.
5. Rope bondage — tying up the balls.
6. Rope bondage – tying up the shaft.
7. Rope bondage – tying up the shaft and balls.
8. Using a “cock cage” on the penis shaft.
9. Using a “cock cage” on the balls.
10. Wax play.
11. Ice play.
12. Abrasion play.

Now, here is the important part. Rate these activities in terms of ease of learning and relative safety. Let’s get specific. In this list, I would say number eleven, ice play, is the easiest to learn and the least dangerous. Start here. Use ice on a bound bottom’s scrotum. Try it for various periods of times. Become experienced in ice play; then move on to the next CBT scene. I would say that number four – clothespins — are the next in our reverse safety order. Clothespins, although they look formidable, are really quite a benign tool, in terms of danger – especially when compared to other tools of torture in the BDSM arsenal. Clothespins can be applied gently; you can find wooden ones, which do not snap all that tightly; you control their ferocity by the total of clothespins used in the scene. They might look incredibly sadistic — but they are rarely fatal. You can continue on down the list as you get more experienced as both Top and bottom and know each other better. But still observe your safe words!

Notice that humiliation – such as “your worthless little shaft” – is not part of these activities. And it does not have to be. If degradation is not your thing there is no reason to skip your need for CBT because of it. Play is what you make it!

Using the system I have outlined, beginners can work themselves up gradually both in terms of difficulty and edginess. All on an S&M level and without humiliation.

By BaadMaster
After a ten year run as head writer for the legendary bondage.com, and an equally long run as the host of the hit internet show “Baadmaster’s Dungeon,” we are pleased to welcome the one and only Baadmaster to KinkWeekly. His thoughts about all things BDSM will now appear regularly on these pages. From the mental aspects of D/s to the nuts and bolts of S&M play, Baadmaster will cover every facet of this ever expanding lifestyle.

The Live-In Slave

August 14, 2017 By Baadmaster 4 Comments

When we first enter our lifestyle, we often are swept away by the allure of an ideal world of Masters and slaves living in perfect synergy. The Master is in firm control; the slave willingly obeys every command. It works great online. It is awesome every other weekend. It is mind-boggling at the dungeon party. But, the idealized concept of a live-in Master/slave relationship is quite different than reality, whether you are a newbie or an experienced lifestyler.

The most important thing to keep in mind is that there are both advantages and disadvantages in a live-in D/s union. I will attempt to identify the most critical areas in the live-in relationship, giving you both the pros and the cons of each as I see it.

• Trust. It is much easier to establish trust in the live-in situation because there is little left to the imagination. When you are with someone much of your non-job time, you can truly get a deep understanding of that person’s basic character. Since trust is such a critical area in a D/s relationship, the live-in relationship builds trust in a very deep way. Of course, it also can highlight any negative trust issues since little can be hidden from each other.

• Forget myths. This is real life, not social media. I never believed that the “myth of Dominant infallibility” had any relevance to a real life relationship of any kind. But, once you live together, there is no way to hide your warts and human faults. As a Dominant, don’t try to live up to some artificially perfect standard that you think your slave expects. As a submissive, don’t beat yourself up when you are less than faultless.

• Maintaining play levels. It is much easier to maintain an exciting level of play when you are together for brief periods of time. Here the live-in arrangement can easily erode play – even taking it for granted. One must keep your all aspects of play – including protocols and rituals — fresh and timely. After all, it is said that all relationships require work. Here the effort of maintaining your play levels will pay off handsomely over time.

• Honorifics. Here is where a little goes a long way. Calling your Dominant “Master,” “Sir” or “Mistress” on a daily, consistent basis truly reinforces the power exchange in a deep and profound way. Likewise, the Dominant’s “good girl” or equivalent phrase contributes mightily to the dynamic.

• Isolate key protocols. It is easy to gloss over protocols when you live together. Jobs, outside commitments and friends can make it hard to maintain essential rituals even in a low-protocol relationship. I suggest you identify one or two basic protocols that reinforce the fact that you are the Master/Mistress and she/he is the slave. I personally endorse the greeting ritual upon returning from work as a great way to keep the D/s dynamic fresh in each other’s mind.

• Slave diaries. I suggest the slave keep journals of your best scenes. In this way, the slave gets to emotionally re-live those scenes that were memorable and the Master can recreate those scenes if the play devolves a bit, as it easily can, over time.

• Slave contracts. Slave contracts have no legal standing. They cannot keep a bad D/s union working. But, they are powerful tools that can keep a D/s relationship strong.

• Discipline. As the Dom/me, you must be vigilant to see if and when your relationship might be eroding. It is much like weight loss. If you see a person every day, it is hard to notice any change in weight. Similarly, it is hard to notice when little things gradually go awry. I suggest that you take stock every so often correct small problems before they become big ones.

• Speaking freely. The Master must give the slave regular opportunity to speak her mind without fear of punishment. This is a simple human need and trumps all D/s theory.

• It’s a relationship. Don’t forget the “relationship” aspect of a D/s relationship! This obvious fact is often overlooked. Have fun. Go to movies. Laugh. A live-in Master/slave relationship should not be like working in the Siberian coal mines. The advantage of living together is that it makes it easy to develop a well-rounded relationship. Don’t neglect this advantage.

The key, as I see it, is for both the Master/Mistress and the slave to understand the pros and cons of a 24/7, live-in relationship. Obviously, not all of these suggestions apply to everyone. But, by being aware of the double-edged sword that such a relationship is, you can embrace the positive and avoid the negative.

The New 24/7 Slave

July 17, 2017 By Baadmaster 2 Comments

In a previous kinkweekly.com article, The Dynamics of 24/7 D/s, I had opined on so-called 24/7 D/s relationships. I would like to expand on that article and offer a 24/7 plan that can work in our fast-paced and demanding society.

There are a lot of differing opinions when defining the phrase “24/7” as it applies to slaves and submissives. Technically, the precise definition of “24/7 slave” would have to mean exactly that — serving twenty-four hours, seven days a week. Nonstop. This works fine in the cyber world of idealized relationships. But in the real world, there are life considerations that usually make this impossible.

Taken literally, one could never be a 24/7 slave or sub unless one were totally detached from our basically vanilla world. Thus, the world of 24/7 Dom/me/sub relationships would be left to the unemployed, the independently wealthy, those without kids and/or those without any obligations outside of the slave serving Master or Mistress. This would eliminate all but a few of us. Thus, what we need is a realistic definition that everyone here can live with. A definition that works practically — but one that doesn’t water down the intent of the phrase “24/7 slave.” This can be especially useful for the “New Guard,” who seem to have interests in many other areas besides BDSM.

I think the key to defining a “new 24/7” lies not exclusively in the physical realm. You do not have to literally be at the Master’s or Mistress’s feet all the time. It is really the depth of dedication, not the weekly duration of service. (Of course there are purists who will disagree with me. But what is a debate without opposing views?) The key is to examine the emotional foundation of the Master/slave relationship.

What makes a slave a slave? Surely, slavery is illegal; “slave contracts,” appealing as they are, cannot be legally enforced. Master/slave is, and must be, a consensual agreement. But, it has to be more than just a “consensual agreement” if it is to have any meaning other than a semantic one. It must be more than just BDSM play and service to a Dominant figure. Since “slavery” is consensual, how exactly do we measure it? The key to “slavery” being more than just another form of dating lies in the fact that, at some point, the slave becomes bonded to her/his Master/Mistress in an incredibly deep way. At this point, the slave cannot leave the Master/Mistress without incredible amounts of mental agony; he/she is welded to the Master/Mistress; he/she needs the Master/Mistress to complete his/her existence. Once this point of mental enslavement and dedication is reached, it is, by definition, 24/7. The slave is owned without regard to the time of day or what he/she is doing. The Master or Mistress owns the slave all the time, whether he/she is working at a job, at the DMV or on safari in Africa.

Thus, we can define 24/7 Master/slave as a mental state rather than a physical one. Using this definition, the slave is owned, emotionally and mentally, twenty four hours, seven days a week. Even when apart, the slave’s world revolves around the Master/Mistress — whether the slave is physically with the Owner or not. Once in this TPE “slavespace,” the actual number of hours and days served per week is irrelevant. The slave can be at a job, applying for a loan, or even be at a PTA meeting. As long as the slave is mentally connected to his/her Owner 24/7, then we can effectively say he/she is a “24/7 slave.”

This is one compelling reason for the collar. Worn at all times, it serves as a constant reminder that the slave is connected and owned by the Master or Mistress – twenty-four hours, seven days a week. The collar also has its spiritual component; it symbolizes the Owner’s touching the slave’s neck at all times. It is, to many of us, a lot more than just a vanilla necklace. Besides the collar, technology, such as cellphones, can connect the slave to the Master or Mistress at all times no matter how far apart they might be. 24/7 is a bit easier now than it was in the pay phone era. (“Slave, keep a roll of quarters on you at all times!”)

But does eliminating the physical 24/7 requirement make it easy to be a 24/7 slave? Of course not. To be a slave, 24/7 or otherwise, requires trust, devotion and the need to serve one’s Master. So, to those of you who want to own or be a 24/7 slave, this article offers yet another approach. Keep in mind, that when you wear your Master’s or Mistress’s slave collar, you wear it 24/7. You are owned 24/7. Even if you are on safari!

You Can’t Have Everything!

June 26, 2017 By Baadmaster Leave a Comment

With L.A.’s Bondage Ball ahead of us, and Kinkweekly’s Launch Party behind us, I thought it would be a good time to see how new BDSM players transition from play to D/s relationship – if that is what they want (and many do).

More often than not, upon first play, it seems that all is fine. But when it comes time to get to the next step, I was asked the following question — “My new partner and I have played lightly at a dungeon party. She is hot, and she really turns me on, but is only into light pain. I am a male Dominant, and the thought of flogging and marking her excites me. How do we proceed? Is this a do-able arrangement because of the pain disparity?” (As the question was asked by a male Dom, I will address it in male Dom/female sub terms.)

My answer: Before you worry about the pain/no pain aspects of your relationship, I suggest you first try to establish a D/s hierarchy. If you cannot get to this level, all other concerns are immaterial. (And I don’t mean presenting your sub with some phony-baloney Fifty Shades-style “slave contract.”)

The easiest way to proceed is by introducing small aspects of D/s into your off-dungeon life with your prospective submissive. For example, choose a restaurant and order for her. Start to be more Dominant when you meet outside the play room and see how she takes to it. It is one thing to want to be a Dominant or a submissive; it is quite another thing to actually do it. Thus, small forays into the world of the power exchange are a good place to begin.

Establishing honorifics should be the next item on your agenda. Addressing the Dominant as “Sir,” “Master” or some other honorific reinforces the D/s aspects of your relationship. Surely calling your Dom “Sir” packs a more powerful wallop than calling him “snookems.” These might appear to be minor changes. But, a D/s relationship is a compendium of many minor behavioral modifications. Starting with the proper honorifics is a small but vital step.

I might also start to add some protocols, like the greeting ritual. You should instruct your new sub how to great you when possible. Typically, this consists of kneeling down and kissing the feet or shoes of the Dominant. Or, in a less “Old Guard” greeting, it can be a specific verbal salutation. You can vary it to your desires, but a show of submission is often just what is needed to reaffirm the hierarchy of your relationship.

Now comes the fun part! It is time to establish a D/s dynamic in the playroom. You might not have a Master/slave arrangement at this point; but, at the very least, you should have established enough of a power exchange to have a fun time both in and out of the bedroom. But, if you want to expand into the pain end of the BDSM spectrum, I will suggest a strategy that might work wonders. (This is my opinion and my opinion only.)

While you are having sex, make sure to spank your sub in the butt. As she will be in the throws of passion, she will learn to associate pain with the pleasure of sex. Many women enjoy the pain of spanking during sex – even vanilla women. But, in your case, you must make a special effort to give some serious spanks that are BDSM-specific and pack a bit of a sting. The key is to make her connect your spanks (or some other pain) with the pleasure of sex. This is a great way of turning her on to pain without making a big deal of it. If she likes it, then you can negotiate a full-blown BDSM scene. As her trust level goes up, so will her willingness to let you push her limits.

If, on the other hand, she just won’t countenance any pain, you might still be in luck. Because, if all attempts fail, at the very least you now have a well trained submissive both in and out of the bedroom. And that isn’t all that bad. As Steven Wright, the comedian said, “You can’t have everything…where would you put it?”

Reader Question: Non-sexual Rewards & Punishments

May 16, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

This question was recently sent in to Kink Weekly: “My Dom and I are moving into a nonsexual version of our relationship due to personal reasons. But after so many years of sexual play, He is having a hard time separating sex from our D/s relationship, but I have told him it is possible. Can someone help me with nonsexual ideas for rewards and punishments that do not include humiliation?”

I am going to offer what I can to help, however, “humiliation” has not been defined specifically. I realize the reader is looking for non-sexual and not humiliating, however, humiliation is subjective. Keeping this in mind I will do my best to give this reader some ideas and, hopefully, in the process – give other readers ideas whether or not their relationship is sexual in nature.

Let’s begin with rewards since it’s a bit easier to know that humiliation can be avoided. The ideas are endless really. What does the s-type enjoy? Perhaps a nice outing to a favorite museum or restaurant. Cooking their favorite food or allowing for an extravagant dessert. Having a “date night” – movies, club, concert, etc. Other ideas include pampering – giving the s-type a foot rub or drawing them a bubble bath. If this seems to “servicey” (probably not a word? Lol) to you as the D-type, then perhaps buying them a professional massage or day at the spa. Footing the bill for a mani/pedi, tickets to a favorite sporting event, new items for a favorite hobby, book shopping, etc. From small rewards to bigger ones – just basically consider what the s-type enjoys and would like to earn.

Now let’s discuss punishments. This is a bit trickier when looking to avoid humiliation. I will do my best to give some ideas that I wouldn’t consider humiliating, however, they may still feel humiliating to others. I will, however, obviously steer clear of any sexual humiliation.

Some ideas that are very service oriented tend to work well. Cleaning is one example. Especially if cleaning isn’t normally expected or if extra cleaning can be added. For example, cleaning out the oven, bathtub or refrigerator. Re-organizing the garage or going thru the closets and doing a “spring cleaning” no matter the time of year. You could do extra errands for the D-type like doing their grocery shopping for the week or their laundry.

Another idea is simply taking away something they enjoy. Perhaps every night they like to have a bowl of ice cream – punishment is to not allow that for a night or a week. Perhaps they splurge on Starbucks on their way to work every day – punishment is to brew at home and take in a travel mug. Perhaps if they are really bad you don’t play that weekend.

Gasp!

There are more common punishments like writing lines or doing corner time. I don’t know how humiliating those would be considered. Again, much of this is subjective.

Be creative. When you really sit down and start thinking of things the ideas will probably start to flow. I hope this helps the reader that wrote in and I hope it helps others as well!

Jennifer Masri is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, specializing in Alternative Lifestyles for individual and relationship issues. She also teaches the BDSM 101 class series at Sanctuary LAX in Los Angeles every Monday evening. Read more about Jennifer on her blog, A Kink Shrink.

“Coca-Cola Dominance”

May 1, 2017 By Baadmaster 7 Comments

Definition: “Coca-Cola Dominance.” In a D/s relationship, when a Dominant asks only for behavior that the submissive would do anyway.

I had touched on the “Coca-Cola Dominance” question in a previous kinkweekly.com article, “Does being in love diminish a Dom/me’s power?” In theory, love does make the Dom/me less likely to release the sub and thus diminishes the Master/Mistress’s greatest threat. Thus, less power. But a monarch does not have to rule by intimidation. And the power drain of saying “I love you” can be made up in other ways — the sub’s love for her Dom/me might make her/ him a better slave. Surely, a “Coca-Cola” Dom/me and submissive might have a relationship with 100% obedience – then again I get 100% compliance at any McDonalds. Dominance and submission, in my opinion, should have some degree of difficulty or it is not D/s.

Anyone can be a slave if Master only asks things that the slave could do easily — like drinking Coke and not Pepsi. In the world of BDSM relationships, even when things are going swimmingly, a Master/Mistress must ask for things that stretch the sub’s “expectation range.” The Master/Mistress must ask for things outside this range if only to reinforce Dominance. A personal example: my newly collared slave wanted to order clam chowder at a restaurant. I simply said “No.” For no other reason than to say “No.” I really could care less if she had clam chowder. But she wanted it and I thought it was a good place to show her that she eats what I want her to eat. She made no mention of it; she just ate her salad. She accepted it with not a second thought. She respected our contract, which included ordering food, and behaved accordingly. She passed my test, albeit an easy one.

Clam chowder aside, a Dom/me may need to periodically, and deliberately, require a slave to do things they don’t like. Call it pushing soft limits or a test, the purpose in doing so is to remind the slave that he/she must submit to her Dom/me, even when it’s difficult to do so. Neither Dominance nor submission should be taken for granted. Besides, pushing limits is fun – and let’s not forget we are all in this for fun!

All of this dovetails into the broader – and very important — question of how to keep a long term Master/slave relationship alive. It’s not good for Master/Mistress or slave to allow D/s to lapse or get lazy – most notably by allowing “Coca-Cola D/s” to become the day-to-day hierarchy. Dominance and submission is very difficult to maintain if it isn’t actively practiced.

I think to be able to serve or be served without fear for the relationship should be the aim of any long-term D/s relationship. That’s not so easy to achieve. And going “Coca-Cola” doesn’t seem to me to be a viable solution. It might work for a scene at a play party or a short term relationship, but – even in a vanilla relationship – there must be demands placed on both parties. In our ever evolving lifestyle (which we will be discussing at DomConLA’s “Old Guard vs. New Guard” panel presentation May 20th) there are still some bedrock principles that should be respected. First among them is that “Coca-Cola Dominance” is not dominance “Coca-Cola submission” is not submission!

Dom Wants to Submit

April 3, 2017 By Baadmaster 5 Comments

Often my articles are inspired by questions I receive regarding BDSM, D/s, relationships and all kinds of kink-related queries. (After all, this is KINK weekly!) One of the most intriguing questions I have been asked is the following one:

“If my sincere desire is to be completely dominated, and I have a dominant personality outside the playroom, can my fantasy truly ever become a reality?”

The answer is an unequivocal “yes!” In fact, when one examines the real life dynamics of dominance and submission, you will find that there is a lot of role reversal in this lifestyle. For example, many bigwig executives, who are among the most dominant, type-A individuals you can find, seek domination in their off-hours. Ask any pro-Domme and you will find that many of their clients are high-powered business types. This stems from the most human of needs – to reverse roles when in relaxation mode. The last thing many a captain of industry wants, after a week of non-stop decision-making, is to spend the weekend making more decisions. It can go deeper than that psychologically, but the overview is still one of role reversal. Conversely, there are pro-Dommes who, when they are not working in the dungeon, like nothing better than to be dominated. And this has little to do with switching; this is a situation where the dominant businessperson, for example, wants his play life to be as a submissive.

(I will not address the question of whether a Dom/me ordering a submissive to “spank me” is an act of dominance. I might tackle this in another column.)

Of course, there are men and women who are dominant in their profession and dominant in their relationship; there are submissive/submissive people, too. You are far from alone in your needs and your ability to fulfill them. The first step is to let things happen naturally. Let me explain. Since you wish to be completely dominated, you must look for a potential partner who stirs your submissive feelings. This could pose a problem as many will perceive you as a dominant and be skeptical of your need to submit to any degree. So it might take time for you to find a partner that dovetails into you submissive needs. “Complete domination,” as you put it, is a state that you gradually arrive at over time; you won’t get there right off the bat. But finding a Master/Mistress who stimulates the inner submissive within you is the first step toward that goal. If you have spent time with a skilled pro-Domme you will understand your needs – and limits — more deeply.

The second step is for you to acknowledge that you will never be able to shed all the domineering characteristics of your personality. A sensitive Master/Mistress will never ask you to do that. What you must find is a Dom/Domme whose control of you in the dungeon dovetails into your kinky needs while encouraging you to continue your day-to-day dominance. A wise Master/Mistress knows he/she can affect some behavior modification, but will never want to change you completely. Nor should he/she try to. When you look for your “dream Dom/Domme,” make sure he/she instinctively gives you “domineering latitude” – without it, it will not work.

The third step is to actually find your ideal Dominant – and the best way to find him/her is to be honest from the jump. Tell any potential Master/Mistress about your domineering personality. Don’t hide it; don’t play “perfect slave” as a way of enticing that person. Many people use this technique and it is doomed to failure.

The key is to find a Dominant – whether a pro Dom/me or a relationship Dom/me — who finds your “domineering personality” appealing, and is willing to accept and even encourage your “outside the dungeon” dominance. After all, it is always best to accept a partner “just the way he/she is.” If you truly enjoy exploring your submissive side after a hard week of being “domineering,” you will likely find a Master/Mistress who will work with you. After all, there is nothing a Dom/Domme likes better than a partner who really needs to be a dominated! And you seem to fit this mold to a “T.”

Maintaining Connection in a Power Exchange

March 5, 2017 By Jenn Masri 1 Comment

When two people are in a power exchange dynamic, sometimes staying connected requires some creativity. These days most people are very busy. So what are some ways to maintain that feeling of connection and power exchange when vanilla life and schedules get in the way? Many of the ideas I lay out in this article can be used in different situations.

Let’s start with an example where both partners live with one another. Perhaps they are married, perhaps not. Maybe they have children. One or both of them work. If they share a home there are, for one, plenty of tasks that can be considered service. Household chores, meal preparation, keeping the kid’s schedules together, etc. Yet how can we step it up to another level of power exchange? Let’s assume for this example the s-type is home more and perhaps works part time while the D-type works a standard “9-5” job. Rather than the s-type simply folding and putting away the laundry, they fold the D-types clothes a certain way that the D-type prefers. Or perhaps they prepare something for when the D-type gets home – their favorite drink waiting next to their chair, a bath drawn, or a special “outfit” under their clothes in case the D-type feels frisky before dinner! (Maybe all three – who needs to eat? lol) If there are children at home then, of course, that needs to be considered.

Let’s then look at partners that don’t live together – with or without others. (Remember that whole poly thing?) Maybe both have demanding jobs with little time to do tasks. Here are some ideas. The night before, the D-type tells the s-type what style and/or color underwear to have on the next day. This may sound silly or trivial, however, every time that s-type uses the restroom – guess who they are going to think of? That’s right – their D-type. And the D-type knows that as well. Perhaps an addition to that is that the s-type sends a quick picture from their private stall – pic of the undergarment, a flash of skin or a sweet smile. Even if this only happens once or twice a day – that’s once or twice that both people feel connected to the other and the power exchange is reinforced.

Another idea – the D-type knows that the following day their s-type will be running errands. Their task is to wear a plug and “squeeze” at every red light. Or maybe at certain times throughout the day they must snap a pic of whatever they’re doing – with the purpose of going thru the pics the next time they are with their D-type and sharing what their day or week was like.

Remember – just because one or both of you are busy day to day, that doesn’t mean you can’t find small ways to stay connected and maintain your power exchange. You may need to get creative – and that part can be half the fun! Just don’t think you are less of an s-type simply because you aren’t available for your D-type 24/7. You are still there in your heart and as long as you make the effort, your D-type knows that.

There are a million more ideas – I have laid out some to get you started. I’d love to hear other ideas that you have used in your relationships!

Opinion: How S-types See Their Dominan Deeply

October 31, 2016 By Mistress Sky 2 Comments

It is my experience that my submissives relate to me on several different levels all at once. In this article I’d like to play with the possibility that there are five identifiable levels. Their way of looking at their dom(me) and breathing your greatness can be thought of as falling into five categories. These groupings start at a barely human, earthy level and escalate to a spiritual high, landing you and your S-type at again a barely human level but this time up in the clouds.

I am a domme of twelve years experience. My submissive male partner and I have been together for seven years and counting. I am polyamorous and have had other relationships. As Mistress, my kink life has included temporary subs plus relationships with males and females. This is the context in which I bring you one of my deeper thoughts for your consideration.

Now, I need to say that there is no judgment about any level. These are happening with great overlap. On an everyday basis, three or four levels may be operating at once. It’s never five at once, however, since the highest and the lowest cancel each other out.

Remember, these are my ruminations about how S-types view their particular D-type and not D’s in general.

The S-type is making a one-to-one correlation in their imagination but more than that in their subconscious about what a dominant has to be. A character trait or physical trait is being associated with what it means to be dominant. For the most part the submissive or slave has no idea that they are doing this. The Inner Self needs what it needs. It goes looking for what it needs. A S-type that deeply needs a very large bodied dominant is never, ever going to take a skinny-bodied person seriously as their dominant. This is not a conscious choice.

What are these levels?:
1. At the top is a demi-god reverence.
2. Just below it is a best self.
3. An everyday self.
4. An everyday self.
5. At the bottom is a reverence for something base and earthy.

Demi-god means that a dominant is a representative for god or gods. The submissive or slave is making his dominant a stand in for their religious or spiritual practices. The S-type is not considering the Master or Mistress or Owner as the literal human who stands before them. That serves a great need for the S. Service is the point. But service at this level is a momentary thing and the S is grateful to get a glimpse at this higher self for themselves. They are the ones who are lifted higher. I know a couple who swear that in these moments she lifts him, too.

Best Self level is you or me cleaned up and presentable and more than either of us can hold at every moment. We can pull this one out if we need to though. The S-type has certainly seen this one repeatedly.

Everyday Self. Well, this one has two levels because comparatively one is shiny’r than the other. Let’s say this one is you or me before we have gotten that first cup of coffee in the morning and the other is one of us after the caffeine has kicked in. The S-type sees their dominant most strongly and that’s the point.

The Bottom level is really the bottom. It probably is not you or me. It is less than we can put out on an everyday basis. However, I have known a couple that seemed to like to hover around the earthy level as often as possible. The female dominant told me that she enjoyed gardening. Her slave male liked to catch her before she’d taken a shower. The smelly, naturalness drove him wild, literally. He was triggered into his animal persona. He met her on all fours as she entered the house and would not let her ignore him. She had special chains and cuffs on the bed for restraining him. Neither thought that the base reverence of his Mistress was a bad thing. This could also be the dominant who has not had much sleep or for any other reason really does not have themselves together temporarily and their S-type is particularly drawn to them right then. I’m thinking of myself at the airport after many hours of flight. I was lucky to have a slave who was eager to serve by getting my bags and driving us home and tucking me into bed.

What is the importance of thinking in levels to the submissive or slave? Well, there’s the S-type who is looking for their dominant. It’s good to know what the strongest attraction is for them. What if a brainy intellectual dominant does it for them? That information should be the strongest lead as they search. If a particular body type rings their Inner Voice then lead with that. Other traits can be secondary. Once the S-type has their desired dominant then, in my opinion, it is good to understand the dynamic between them. Instead of a mysterious, wondrous something that draws you to me you’ll know why. For instance, it is better to know that the highest level can only happen in momentary events. Your appreciation of those moments and of me will be greater.

What is the importance of levels to the dominant? How might this way of thinking make the D a better D? Might there be better care of the S? The D is experienced at using everything that presents itself in making the power dynamic sing. If the S is particularly excited by the body type or the spiritual persona or the deep voice of the dominant then the D can play with that aspect. They can make it more enhanced and draw the S to them tightly or knowingly reduce the attraction. The D really should remember that the S has a great desire for the highest levels so offer your S those special moments—the D/s or M/s moment of circulated dominant and submissive energy and true intimacy—so that they get there. If your S gets there through the base level then have at it.

The goals for the couple get played out in whatever form of power dynamic the couple has established, which has at its core some unique attractants like the S being drawn powerfully to his/her master/mistress.

Mistress Sky is a tantra practitioner, bondage queen, and hypnotist. Professionally, Sky is a life positive counselor for alternative lifestyles at Gates Counseling. She gives presentations and workshops and writes about Unequal Partnership, the dominance/submission model that she developed over the last ten years.

Bottoming From the Top

August 29, 2016 By Baadmaster 3 Comments

This article is addressed to the more advanced Masters/Mistresses among you, especially those who are involved in – or want to be involved in – Master/slave relationships. As opposed to many of my other articles, this one is mostly my own personal opinion. You might or might not agree with my observations; but I am presenting it as food for thought. (For the purposes of this article, I will use Master, Mistress, Dom, Domme, slave and submissive interchangeably. I have covered in kinkweekly.com – and will cover in more detail – the differences between these terms.)

On the surface, Master/slave relationships seem pretty simple. But the dynamics of maintaining them can be a bit tricky. In previous articles, I have addressed the many common problems of maintaining BDSM relationships. Here I will discuss a more obscure problem I have noticed in some Master/slave relationships. I call it “bottoming from the Top.”

In any relationship, be it vanilla, D/s or M/s, both participants want it to work. This seems pretty obvious. But how you make it work is the trick. Theoretically, in a Master/slave relationship, the Master requests, the slave obeys — within, of course, the negotiated limits. And except for times when the Master makes an asinine demand outside those limits — like the “bus question” (below) — this should work just fine.

(For those of you unfamiliar with the “bus question,” which I referred to in a previous kinkweekly.com article, I will repeat it here:

The infamous BDSM question, “Would you walk in front of a bus if your Master ordered you to?” is usually answered, “Yes, but Master would never ask me to do it.” That is fine in theory. It sounds good. It works great online. But in reality, ask your submissive to walk in front of a bus and the answer will be “F*ck you, Asshole.” Notice, the word Master was quickly replaced by Asshole. Make a demand that can’t be honored, control can disappear in a N.Y. minute.)

But the obverse of making insane demands — “bottoming from the Top– can create problems, too. In this scenario, the Master/Mistress only asks for things they know the bottom will like or are easy to execute. “Master orders you to drink Coke, not Pepsi.” If this is done occasionally, then there will be few problems. It is when the Master/Mistress is constantly skewing his/her requests in such a way to please the slave that problems arise. Being a “Coca-Cola Dom,” as I put it, eats into the dynamics of the relationship and takes the “top” out of the Top. There must be some challenge for the submissive; predictability and dullness are not what BDSM should be about..

So why is “bottoming from the Top” as widespread as I have observed? Most times I have noticed this is done out of fear of upsetting the relationship; fear that if the Master screws up and asks for something the slave will refuse to do, he will lose the relationship. It is a totally justified and human fear and a hard one to overcome. To a greater or lesser degree, this fear is always present in any relationship. But being a Master or Mistress requires the ability to work around this tendency.

Naturally, a Master/Mistress should not ask for things that the slave would find abhorrent, even if not pre-negotiated as a hard limit. On the other hand, the Master should not be constantly thinking of only “what the slave will like.”

Ideally, Master/slave means the Master asks without guile, without over-thinking the request and without skewing his/her demands out of fear that the given request will not be precisely what the slave wants.

The closer you can come to this ideal — and it is an ideal — the closer you will come to a solid Master/slave relationship.

power exchange

Footer