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What Would Happen Without Shame and Embarrassment In the BDSM/Kink Community?

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I hope you have been enjoying Rika’s Lair, my monthly column dedicated to thoughts and experiences  regarding power dynamics in Service-Oriented D/s relationships. Look up “Ms. Rika” in the search box  for links to all of my articles in KinkWeekly!  

Today’s thoughts evolved from another article I read regarding a news broadcast on feminism, in which  a female participant “admitted” to attending “spanking camp”: A BDSM-oriented gathering that focused  on corporal punishment. The author mentioned that, while they were happy that BDSM was being  discussed in an open and positive forum, they were disappointed in the amount of shame the woman felt – and the way the interviewer continued down the shameful manner of referring to the event. The  notion that a woman could enjoy being spanked (or participating in BDSM as a bottom or submissive)  was creating guilt and shame based on how it seemed to run against feminist principles. 

Don’t worry…my column today isn’t about feminism vs. BDSM. It’s about the concepts of shame and  embarrassment – where they come from – and why they’re powerful in power dynamics. 

The statement got me thinking about the shame and embarrassment of many of the practices of power  play and, more exactly, if we were to remove the stigma behind the acts – remove the shame – would  we participate in them? 

Many of us play with “Humiliation” within our scenes. We have the stereotypes of foot worship, ass kissing, bowing, humbling, exposure (e.g., CFNM, etc.), degradation, etc. These are practices that play  with the creation of shame and embarrassment within the submissive. They are so engrained in the  social imagery of BDSM, that they are often automatically brought to mind when we think about power  dynamics. So, I began to wonder: 

If the shame were removed…if the actions were stripped to the core of simply being what they are,  without the emotional implications of what the action MEANS…would people still engage in them? 

Of course, for me, this question gets back to my favorite topic of intent (oh my, what a surprise!). I tend  to feel that the pleasure we feel is a reaction to our intent in carrying out the activity – more than the  activity itself. If the action were stripped of its implied meaning, or if our partner weren’t on the same  page as to the implied meaning, we wouldn’t partake in the activity. For example, would you really bow  before someone, if it wasn’t understood to represent subjugation and submission? Another way to look  at it: If someone bowed before you, but didn’t feel that bowing was a symbol of relative power, would it have any meaning? 

Rather than being humiliating or shameful, these acts are SYMBOLS of intent that we interpret in our  dynamics. They need to be MUTUALLY UNDERSTOOD to be effective. Both partners need to be on the  same page as to what the implied intent is, or the action will not have similar impact on the partners.  Part of our communications in our relationships would therefore need to be a definition of intent for these actions. I go back to “Define before you Opine” and the importance of understanding the “unique  definition of submission to a specific dominant”. 

Some folks believe that D/s not only involves the intent of a sub to submit to a dominant, but it involves  a wide variety of ritualized behaviors that serve to confirm this intent and enhance the sub’s sense of  submission and the dominant’s sense of Domination. Humiliation serves to enhance this sense of D/s. 

Interestingly, these acts do not equate to submission to me. I feel nothing when a guy kisses my  foot…really. I mean, if I know what it means to him, I’ll feel something – but again, it’s not the act of  kissing my foot, it’s his reaction to it that stimulates me. It’s his INTENT in doing it that gets me going. It’s  what’s going on in his mind that has meaning, as long as I’m aware of what that is. 

Take, for example, bowing: It could be argued that an observer would interpret bowing as an act of  submission or respect. I would argue that there is a MAJOR difference between submission and respect!  Which does a person who bows before me INTEND? If he’s of certain cultures, it may well be respect,  and not at all submission. Submission is not just placing someone in a position of respect…It’s about  dedication and commitment. Although a bow MIGHT accompany such a commitment, the bow itself  doesn’t equal that commitment! The bow doesn’t matter – the intent of the bow does. 

Is there a chain of thought that these acts thought of as submission, are deeply ingrained in our social  consciousness? Is it evidenced by the fact that they mimic rituals of domination and submission that  have always been part of our culture, and at least some practices, such as spanking, may have always  been part of our behavioral repertoire? 

In my opinion, this is a stereotype, used, not only in porn images of BDSM, but in more mainstream  media depictions of power dynamics, and therefore it is an accepted reality. I’m challenging the  stereotypes in MY dynamics because they don’t fulfill MY definition of submission. I have found that  they don’t fit many people’s perception. In my dealings with couples, I always advise that, before you  base your reality on a stereotype, be sure it matches the reality of your partner! It may not. 

When you engage in a power dynamic, you need to understand your partner, determine their  preferences, and learn their imagery. You need to discuss the definition of submission and get on the  same page as to what is, and what isn’t, service to that dominant. Only then can you establish a power  dynamic that has meaning your unique dynamic! 

Ms. Rika is a lifestyle dominant, educator, and author; living in the suburbs of NYC with her  husband/slave. She has written several popular books on her approach to adding Dominant-Centric,  Service-Oriented D/s to relationships. You can find her books (in both print and eBook formats) at  Lulu.com (http://www.lulu.com/spotlight/msrika), or at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, the iStore, Books-A Million, Kobo.com, or anywhere books are sold. Search for “Ms. Rika”. Write to me at  Ms_Rika@hotmail.com

The Challenge Of Being A Pandemic Newcomer

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I think back on occasion to the challenges I encountered when I was first seeking my local kink community.  It was a different time then, and the books I’d read suggested searching for information wherever I was purchasing my kink implements.  Spoiler alert, that was a bust.  It took someone familiar with the local community, a Fetlife account and some determination much later to find my people.

I see some similarities in some of the people who have been searching for kink over the past year.  For a moment, really take a moment to image how challenging it would be to attempt to find local kinky people without munches, without events, with many of our local groups dormant and the only options as some sparse Zoom educational events, some swink events that never seemed to take a break or enact safety measures and won’t be in many folx’s risk profiles, and with the majority of kink social media divided sharply down a political line that didn’t seem to be drawn quite so determinedly some six months prior.  Even those who had a party or two under their belts were suddenly left to flounder, with no partners, no mentors, no education, and no options.  They had a hunger for their brief tastes of kink, and no options to feed that other than to take chances on dating sites and meeting strangers from Fet.

To be quite frank, that sucks. 

The others who came searching for us along the way have had an equally difficult time, though at least they only have a vague idea of what they’re missing.

My local community slipped sideways to Telegram, creating a virtual spiderweb of chats that are all run by kinky folx for kinky folx.  Of course, newcomers and veterans alike had to find it or be told it was there to go looking.  We aren’t going to advertise, for goodness sake.

As a project to keep my spirits up, I have tried to stay active in planning educational Zooms, participating in conversations which may have educational value, and writing here.  But for these newcomers, what does their path look like?  What should they do to engage their local communities as they begin to sputter back to life?

First and foremost, we each have to look out for our own self-interest.  We cannot depend on others to value our physical or mental health, and we cannot trust that someone random we’ve met at a kink event has our educational best interests in mind either.  It is up to each of us to seek knowledge.

Read.  Find books, read fet articles, read Kink Weekly articles, do searches on topics of interest.  Don’t take my word for anything, do the research.  I don’t mean read one article that took two minutes and then make a snap decision, I mean research.  One of my graduate professors insisted that 50 sources was the absolute minimum to truly cover any subject, and while I admire his enthusiasm, many of the BDSM topics I want to read about won’t have that many research opportunities, and most will be opinion rather than data, though hopefully it will be informed opinion, which is sometimes the best we get.  I’m happy to find 10 different viewpoints on any given topic.  Regardless, make sure to inform yourself.  Read about negotiations.  Read about communication.  Do self-work you encounter.  Figure out what sparks your interest and notate it.  Figure out what scares you and notate that.  Those things will quite likely change drastically, then change again once you encounter these things in the real world, but knowing what interests you is an important way to start finding what you think you are seeking.

Vet.  Get to know people.  Ask questions.  When I say vet, figure out what that means to you.  To me, that means finding experienced community members I trust and asking questions.  It means watching and seeing what kind of person someone is.  To others, it is a more or sometimes less involved process.  Don’t take it lightly, from either the bottom or the top side.  There are people you’ll wish you’d avoided of all genders and kink identities.  If you can weed those out on the front end, it can save heartache, pain, and potentially even trauma you may wish you could have avoided.  If you’re going to meet someone in private, for goodness sake, please have safe calls lined up with a friend ready to call the police if things go sideways.  Your safety is your responsibility and it is important to not treat it lightly.  Pretend you are making arrangements for someone you love dearly to meet someone.  How can you set that up as safely as possible so they will return to you unharmed (or in your case, as unharmed as you want to be)? 

Find group leaders locally and ask them how to access educational events.  If you can’t find any locally, search Fet for digital offerings.  They are becoming more common, and range from subjects such as poly and jealousy to demonstrations of different kink skills, to social meetings with assigned topics of discussion.  Regardless of how long you’ve been in the community, these events are great opportunities to learn.

Find out if any local groups are offering safe options for meetups.  Are they offering parties for vaccinated folx?  Are they enacting safety measures you feel are within your risk profile?  If not, are there other towns or larger cities nearby who might have better options? 

Are there experienced kinksters who can offer advice or information on their specialty areas?  My partner and I have taken a newcomer under our collective wings and are training him in impact play, leatherworking, and teaching him general kink skills and communication.  He sarcastically calls himself “the most experienced newbie ever.”  To be fair, he probably is at this point.  He was writing articles on impact implements last week and laughing at all of his practical knowledge outweighing his physical experience.

Opportunities are out there.  There are chances to learn and grow for all of us right now, regardless of how active our local communities are choosing to be.  Maybe those come in the form of individual relationships, and maybe they come as digital learning, but we can find them if we seek in the right places.  The trick, as it always has been from back when I first came seeking, is in the knowing where to look.

An Analysis Of BDSM’s Old Guard

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The More Things Change, They Stay the Same

“I have problems with the way in which the distinction between ‘Old Guard’ and ‘New Guard’ is sometimes deployed. While there are many differences between leather/SM as it was practiced in the 1950’s and as it is practiced today, the shorthand terms can exaggerate and oversimplify our past and present.

Most of the alleged differences popularly thought to differentiate ‘Old Guard’ and ‘New Guard’ – formality versus informality, strict etiquette versus a more casual style of social interaction, deliberate training versus less organized acquisition of skill and knowledge – are more a matter of degree than absolute distinctions.” (Old Guard, New Guard; Cuir Underground; Gayle Rubin; 1998)

Even though this was published 23 years ago, it is as true today as it was then. Just change the terminology from “Old Guard” and “New Guard” to “New Guard” and “The New Generation.” Nothing which is being done today, is new. It has come full circle back to the beginning of Leather and kink in the 50’s and 60’s. Not quite back to the free for all and burgeoning organization(s); more of an organized chaos where there is less emphasis on exclusive organization and more on the individual and the sharing of information. Leather, both organized and unorganized, was near the beginning of a more overt kink culture in the United States. Their ideas, culture, and some of their traditions are still defining our journeys today, whether we want to admit it or not.

The Spirit of Kink Preserved

“All through this Handbook I will be at great pains to point out that much of what I have to say is opinion….. Your reaction may be entirely different, and your desires may exceed or fall short of the action I describe. This is exactly as it should be. No one – Larry Townsend or anyone else – can even begin to set the standards for your sexual needs and/or behavior.” (The Original Leatherman’s Handbook; Larry Townsend; 1972) This was the spirit of kink from the beginning which still pervades today. That there was not and will not be one way, one true way, or one way to be/conform to. Kink has been and still is a rare bastion of freedom in a world where everything we do from the wearing of socks to what shop we buy our coffee from becomes scripted.

If you are interested in, or are part of, a clan/house/family in BDSM you most likely have agreed to a structure and set of rules to be part of that organization. All well and good. However, all of that is dependent on being in the organization. Not kink, not Leather, not BDSM. It is their way, and possibly yours. I am not arguing against organizations, only saying that the structure and rules, are not kink dependent, they are organizationally dependent. Kink is its own animal; wild, untamed, and free. How it is expressed by the multitudes is up to each individual which can include a thousand rules, or none at all.

There Are No Magical Answers – Only History

There is still a lot of debate regarding what, if anything, the “Old Guard” was. I hear some people talk today about how they are like the “Old Guard.” How, if three generations back they were confused as to what it really was? Guy Baldwin, in a speech he gave in Tacoma, WA (September 20, 2014) referred to the subject by characterizing it as the, “….single most troublesome, misunderstood, divisive, and distracting issue to bedevil our leather world, and for succeeding generations: of course, I refer to The Old Guard.”  (Full text of the speech available here Old Gods Die Hard | by Leatherati | Leatherati Online)

Even Jack Rinella stated he was a relative latecomer to Leather (circa late 70’s). Having done research into this subject himself he freely opined he had a hard time pinning down what the, “Old Guard,” was and he was much closer to the source than we are today.

They did not refer to themselves as, “Old Guard,” and by admission (through available essays and writing) many who were around in that era freely stated it was chaotic, a jumble of expectations getting loosely defined by organizations which began to form over time. Feeling their way through life, just as we are now. Figuring it out as we go along. There was no roadmap to help them preordain the way it would turn out as many historians would like us to believe.

Yet, there are many aspects of that era which survive today and things which we have added along the way. This forms an ever-evolving way of looking at and practicing kink. Where there was once S/M now there is BDSM which was not coined until decades later. Where safety and accountability were certainly mentioned in points of S/M history; Safe, Sane, and Consensual became a watch phrase born in the early 80’s. Early on there were not even Tops or bottoms let alone Dominants/Masters and submissves/slaves. All of this evolved through time. Much of which during can be considered in the, “New Guard,” era. If there is such a thing. 

Even through evolution, the best ideas and values seem to survive. 

Honesty and Integrity: “Real Leatherman keep their word: they do not borrow or lend money; they conduct their affairs with honor and integrity – they don’t lie.”

Recognition of experience: “Experience in the Scene determines social seniority (Top or bottom), not age, not size, not amount of leather worn, and not offices held in organizations, awards received or titles won.”

Courtesy: “….all are expected to observe rules of social courtesy – bad manners are inexcusable and can lower one’s status in the Scene….”

(The Old Guard History, Origins and Traditions; Drummer Magazine; Late 80’s; Guy Baldwin)

These are just a few examples of values set early on in the kink scene, which survive today. A quasi roadmap which did not exist in the 50’s. At least today, we have these bits and parts to lean on as a tacit guide. We may not be standing on the shoulders of giants, but path was certainly forged for us (and still is being forged) by some rather brave individuals. 

Without their contributions to kink and the Scene, we may not have some of the generally accepted values today. Those values and contributions, in my opinion, are what lead people today to have a certain reverence for the past, keep us guessing about what it was really like, and if we are doing it “right” today. 

Does it really matter?

Yes….. and no. It matters if you are like me; who understanding where we came from, can help inform us why we are the way we are today. If you are one who just likes to forge ahead without putting a whole like of pondering into it, maybe not. But those basic values and concepts which run through our community such as respect, courtesy, honesty, integrity, safety, etc inform our lives and the way we practice kink. Even for those who may not realize (or care about) how it all began. 

Lessons hopefully passed on and learned; some traditions preserved and better ways of doing things being thought of every year and incorporated; and a spirit of freedom are at the heart of what it is that we do. An oral (sometimes written) history. Knowledge passed from the older generation to the younger in hopes they will carry the torch and keep improving on it. Some of the changes over the years have chapped my ass. But that is the nature of change and, “The New Generation,” certainly has the right to live kink in a way that makes the most sense for them. 

We have a more conscious way for kink which fits with this era. One which is much more inclusive, much more safety conscious, and dare I say, much more, “out.” I cannot say the last decade has been entirely comfortable for me since the release of Fifty Shades of Grey (2011) popularized kink, but it has been certainly exciting, as well as exhausting. I look forward to the developments coming in the next ten years.

Note: For more information on the authors referenced in this article, please visit the links included below (in order of reference):

Gayle Rubin –  Gayle Rubin – Wikipedia 

Larry Townsend – Larry Townsend – Wikipedia 

Guy Baldwin –  Guy Baldwin – Wikipedia , Guy Baldwin – Leather Hall of Fame

 Jack Rinella — Jack Rinella’s Home Page (leatherviews.com)

If You Aren’t Enjoying It, Why Do It?

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Not everyone is cut out to be balls deep in this lifestyle and there is nothing wrong with that. I have seen more posts than I can count in educational groups about people who are absolutely miserable trying to be a slave/submissive or master/dominant. Why? The definition of stupidity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Somewhere in the same post is often a statement, “I think I am just going to give it all up.” Again…WHY? Because it has to be all or nothing? Hogwash!

You do not have to be a fulltime “lifestyler” in a dynamic to enjoy what BDSM and kink have to offer. There is no rule saying you must be all in or get out. 

Like a menu at a Chinese restaurant, you can find enjoyment in the pieces and parts that are on offer. So what if a Total Power Exchange is not for you. Maybe you just like taking or giving over control once a month. Who cares if you are not a massive pain slut and would rather a good tickle. Good for you. The world would be a boring place if everybody was meeting a, “kink standard.” 

Make your own mosaic of what fits you and roll with it. If you are unhappy as a submissive and hate having rules, you might be a kinkster who just likes to bottom occasionally as a play partner. Great! If you are a Dom/me who is struggling and frustrated constantly, same deal. Maybe being the occasional top is for you. There have certainly been points in my kink life where I backed off the lifestyle and just spent some time playing. 

If you do change from one role to another, you can always change back, or into something completely different. Being a certain something or that if you are that something, a certain way, in not required. No matter what the peanut gallery has to say. 

If you are one of the many out there who have found yourself in limbo, frustrated, and confused. Have hope. There is a place and kink for damn near anybody in our carnival of paraphilias. So do not jump out of the clown car just yet.

Take Time to Define Your Needs

Take some time to really evaluate yourself and your needs. Without comparing yourself to anyone else. What kinks pique your interest? What makes you feel good/bad? What are the things you are unsure about? Why are you unsure about them? What are the things you absolutely have to have? How often? Etc. 

As I said, without comparing yourself to anyone else. You are the one unique you. There is no expectation that you become Super-Master Single-Tail Esquire, or the ultimate slave. Do not worry about living up to an image you have in your mind or what you think everyone else in kinktopia will consider, “legitimate.” Just be you. 

And if you have not got that figured out yet…… so what? You will get there. Be patient.

It can be OK to just play.

Not everyone has to have a deep personal connection when they are practicing their kink. Sometimes play for play’s sake, is a good thing. As long as it’s safe and with someone you can trust. It is how we figure out what we like; by trying things out. 

I have several play partners (bottoms) who are friends, but not romantic interests at all. The scenes are rarely emotional. What they want one in a while is to get broken down, beat, and sometimes humiliated. Seems to recharge their batteries and they are good for a couple of weeks. After the scene, we go back to being just friends. I do not view them as less than a dedicated submissive, or somehow inferior in the lifestyle. That is just them, and I accept them for who and what they are. 

When you are ready, explore!

Like those bottoms I described, you have a niche, even if you have not found it yet. Explore different things, with different people if you can. How one person tops in fire play can be completely different from someone else. Conversely, if you are a top who enjoys impact, not all masochist bottoms are going to get your motor running. Sometimes physical and/or intellectual chemistry matters.

There are plenty of kink inventory charts out there for reference. Pick one and start making a bucket list. We do it with everything else in life why not this? Make friends in the community and start learning who is good at what and who likes what. Share your goals with people. A lot of people in our little world want to be helpful and for others to have good experiences. You might be surprised how easy it is to check some of those kinks off your list.

Do not be afraid of change.

Everything changes, as much as we do not want it to at times. Learn to embrace it. Who you are today regarding kink, is not who you are going to be two years from now, let alone ten. Your experiences will mount, preferences evolve, and your skill/knowledge will be greater. All of this is a good thing. Try not to hold on too tightly to the way things are now. If you do, you may get stuck in a rut and find yourself being disappointed in the future. Our partners are growing and changing also, so we need to be looking forward and evolving with them (for long term relationships). 

To borrow a cliché, it’s not the destination, it is the journey. Enjoy where you are now. In the future, look back on it fondly, but do not let what might have been weigh you down. There is always a new adventure right around the next corner. If you spend too much time looking back, you might miss it. 

Sometimes things just end.

In the wide world of kink, there has been a massive influx of those who want to jump in the deep end feet first but have not figured out how to swim yet.  Most dynamics are doomed before the ever get started. Poor communication skills, unrealistic expectations, or just plain not being committed take them down on a regular basis.

If this has happened to you, do not be too hard on yourself. Do he honest. Look at yourself and own your part in why something went sideways. Then commit to being better and make a plan to do so. Breakups are almost never one sided. Even if your partner was silent on the issue, you have an idea of the things you need to work on. 

While you are a free radical, practice your communication and being honest to a fault. Think about your expectations and if they are realistic. Where they may have been with one partner, they may or may not be with your next. 

Not every dynamic has to be a forever one. I have entered into dynamics where we both knew it had an expiration date for differing reasons. They are looking for their forever man/woman/partner; or they have a primary (poly) and are wanting to learn/gain experience for a time – are a couple of examples. As long as you both know what those reasons are and are comfortable with the arrangement, go for it. Something to keep in mind the next time you are vetting if you dive back in the pool.

Above all, enjoy yourself.

If you are not having fun anymore, there is a reason. Take a beat and figure out what that is. There is a ton of crap in our regular lives to drag us down, kink should not be among them. What it is that we do  should build us up! Inspire self-confidence; be a means to learn about ourselves; and be a reasonably safe haven from the mundane world. Yes, there are going to be rough patches. Those are opportunities to grow and change. Take them for what they are, learn, and move forward. 

BDSM and Kink can be as fun as you want it to be. Sure, it takes some effort and self-reflection at times to keep it on track. In the end, that effort is worth it. Better than being stuck in a negative loop wishing things were better. 

Be the genuine you. Be in control of your own destiny, and Be adventurous. When you are 80 and looking back, it will put a smile on your face.  

TAC is a lifestyle writer, dominant, and mentor who contributes to several online educational groups such as the BDSM Alternative Lifestyle Discussion and Education; Information Exchange for Dom/mes, Masters, and Mistresses; and the Virtual Munch. His writing includes information on self-improvement, growth, dominance, trauma, power dynamics and power exchange, and safety. His goal is to continue giving back to a community of friends who have supported him for nearly three decades. He can be found on Fetlife at TAC_1

How is Old School BDSM Different from New Wave Practices?

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As far as sexual desires and fantasies go, BDSM is considered one of the more popular choices (thanks, 50 shades!) From bondage to discipline and erotic practices, it takes many forms. While BDSM dating proves to be extremely fulfilling, it’s evolved with the changes in dating and lifestyles in general. However, the changes come in the form of new wave practices, but what is the difference between old school BDSM and new wave practices?

Does Old School BDSM Still Remain in the Community?

Bondage dating might have changed as the ideas and minds of people have changed with society. Despite this, there are many people who are still following the old traditions of bondage dating of one partner unquestionably dominating the other. There’s no denying that the new, more humane forms of this fetish provide new opportunities for people to explore their needs in a way that gives them a level of control that differs from traditional relationships or fetishes.

Some modern, younger people might consider old-school BDSM quite brutal in some respects. The boundaries are pushed to their limits, but both participants understand what they’re getting themselves involved in. The strict rules are followed and obeyed, too, giving no room for movement in the submissive partner. Once the rules were implemented, they were understood and taken at face value, proving that old-school BDSM really did go that much further. Some might consider BDSM a fetish that goes too far, especially when considering the older rules and boundaries.

Furthermore, there was no give and take when it came to the submissive’s rights to change something. Once the rules are agreed upon, the dominant partner ensures that they are followed, which means that the submissive partner has to do as they are told. What this means is that the experience takes the old-fashioned route, and no changes are made. However, times have changed, and with most things in life, a new wave of BDSM has emerged.

What Embodies the New Wave and the Reasons for its Emergence?

We now live in a more accepting and understanding world whereby people have more rights and views when exploring new things. This is particularly true when it comes to BDSM. Culture plays a significant role in shaping kinks because more people are connecting like never before. This means that a greater level of acceptance and understanding is required to ensure that specific boundaries are not crossed. This has caused a new wave of BDSM to emerge.

However, while men once had dominance over women, we live in an equal society where this way of thinking is no longer apparent. Therefore, taking care of partners from a psychological aspect is crucial because mental health is now an important part of our lifestyle. Let’s imagine the situation: someone could be intrigued by a particular kink and want to try it out, but the whole experience leaves them struggling with mental issues. This has meant that aftercare forms an important aspect of new wave practices after sex. As this fetish can really become rough and brutal, taking care of partners really is important. It’s not about a lack of care because, during the experience, it’s about fulfilling needs, but once it has ended, people are required to check on partners to ensure they’re safe, well, and feel at ease with the overall experience.

Despite this, the arrangement becomes more formal when you meet guys and gals who practice new, modern BDSM. The understanding of boundaries, pain thresholds, and what’s morally right or wrong is a prominent feature of BDSM in a modern world. This means that people are now openly discussing the arrangements prior to partaking in kinks involving domination and pain. This involves discussing what’s expected, what’s going to happen, and what to expect. This discussion before embarking on a journey of BDSM is vital to ensure that both partners enjoy the experience. The conversation doesn’t end there because it also takes place during the arrangement. This gives both people the opportunity to inform each other of their concerns or wishes, which can work to enhance the experience or slow things down. Of course, stop words and safe words are also a part of this arrangement because of cultural differences, boundaries, and what people are fully comfortable with. Safewords are designed to give people control over how far things should go. If the situation evolves to a point where it becomes something more, then the stop words can be used to bring the experience to an end. All of these things are new wave practices that have now become a part of BDSM in a modern world.

BDSM has changed, but that’s expected given the society that we live in. New wave practices are considered safer and provide more control of both partners’ situation, which is no bad thing as that can mean that things become a lot more enjoyable.

Linda Raley is a Psychology Faculty student, a freelance writer on sex and relationships, and a relationship beginner psychologist-consultant.